Hey, Esther. Is the Internet back up yet?
No. I'm getting zero connection on my nanny cam.
Wait, you have a kid?
No, for my nanny.
I have no idea what she does all day when I'm not there.
Probably trying to chew through the restraints?
Hey, guys.
Thank you for all the articles you submitted.
I looked them over and decided to get you coffees.
Sweetheart alert.
Because we are gonna stay here and improve your articles
by starting from scratch.
Come on, Jack, it's Friday night. They all have plans.
Yeah, I'm supposed to go visit my sick Aunt Becky.
And Greg and I are going to an event at the planetarium.
No way. I am also going to that thing.
You're going to my boyfriend's high school reunion?
Sh... yeah...
None of us are going to Greg's reunion.
Outdoor Limits has standards,
which are not being met by articles like
“Nature Has Geysers, But What About Girlsers?”
But we can't work tonight.
The Internet's down.
Is it even safe to be in this building right now?
The Internet is down because Brooke refuses
to tell our I.T. guy that he sucks at his job.
Come on, that's a bit harsh.
You're right. Someone look up a nicer word than “sucks.”
Oh, that's right, we can't. The Internet's down
because he sucks at his job.
His name is Ricky, and he's trying as hard as he can.
To do what? Smell like vegetable soup and touch your hair?
Because those are the only things he's good at.
All right, Ricky might be an incompetent weirdo
who lords his job over everyone, but bear in mind,
I just described every I.T. guy ever.
Hey, everybody.
Just fixed your Internet.
- MASON: Rick! - Ricardo!
I-I don't smell soup.
Y-You've been up there the whole time, have you?
- Yeah. - A-And you heard, uh...
- Every word. - Right.
Every word.
Brooke, I left behind a lucrative career
in revenge porn to work here, because you assured me
this was a family environment.
We are a family,
and I'm sorry, and none of that was on his résumé.
No. I want an apology from Jack.
Ricky, I'm sorry...
Thank you. ...but that's not gonna happen
because you are terrible at your job.
You know what?
I quit.
You all have grossly underestimated me.
Until Jack tells me he's sorry, you'll all be sorry.
BROOKE: Oh, nice one, Jack.
You've just lost us our I.T. guy and three staplers.
Why would you say those things?
Because it was the truth.
And it tickled me.
Well, we would never say anything bad about anyone.
Look, I am direct with people
because it helps them get better.
Now, you write better articles,
and Brooke can pick a better I.T. guy,
and Ricky can get back to,
I assume, collecting eyelashes in women's restrooms.
[phones chiming and buzzing]
MALE VOICE: You've got mail.
You're still on AOL?
Name another place that you can get your own e-mail address
for less than $29.99 a month.
Oh, it's from Ricky.
“Apologize, or this won't be the last.”
It's a huge batch of our personal e-mails
from the work server.
EMMA: So now any of us
can read what any of us has written about...
any of us?
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
EMMA, CLARK and MASON: Wait. Why did you say, “Oh, God”?
Well, Jack. Thanks to you, we are now the victims of...
Ricky Leaks.
We're not gonna actually call it that, are we?
[eagle screeches]
♪ ♪
♪ Synced and corrected by javiernv ♪ ♪ www.addic7ed.com ♪
[phone ringing]
Okay, so we were all just sent a batch
of each other's personal e-mails.
This is a bit of a sticky situation... ooh.
Sticky Leaks.
No. Take that back.
Guys, what is there to worry about?
I would never write anything I wouldn't say to someone's face.
And you guys never make fun of anyone, right?
- EMMA: Right. - Of course not.
Clark's a sweet boy.
Well, then, there's nothing here to see.
So let's just delete Ricky's e-mail,
and focus on what's really embarrassing: your work.
He's right, guys.
I mean, what do we have to hide from each other,
other than... orange soda?
[gasps]
Yeah.
We're totally fine.
Except for Operation Jail Break.
Right. Hi.
But also there's...
Emma, I need to speak to you in private immediately.
After you, milady.
[chuckles]
Crap!
I talked about how I'm in love with Emma in an e-mail.
- Who was the e-mail to? - My barber.
Former barber.
Something about boundaries.
Clark, what the hell? What was that about?
I don't know. What was “orange soda” about?
Seems like we've all got something to hide.
Question is, which one of us is crazy enough
to make the first move?
Well, I know I'm curious.
So let's do this like Christmas Eve.
Everyone gets to open one e-mail.
No. No.
No, no, no.
We have too much work to do.
Joke's on you, I was wearing my glasses...
Damn it.
E-mails.
Drag them to your trash.
Now.
Now, Brooke and I will go get you guys dinner,
while you rewrite the articles.
- Esther! - Yeah.
[shouts]
Uh, any of these guys try to leave, light them up.
Ah, that's okay, Jack. I brought my own.
EDDIE: An e-mail scandal.
I can only imagine all the stuff everyone wrote about old Eddie.
[laughs] Wow.
Oh, I don't think anyone...
Hey, don't tell me.
Okay, tell me one thing they said about me.
Oh. No, we trashed the file
before we read the e-mails.
Sure you did.
[chuckles]
You couldn't have just apologized to Ricky, could you?
Oh, no, I-I could've.
You don't always have to be brutally honest.
I mean, do you know how I got the title of “Cool Beans Boss”?
Who told you that?
'Cause it was very cruel.
It's because I pay attention to their feelings
and I've earned their trust.
Why do you think Mason opened up to me about his sick Aunt Becky?
- I'll stick to telling the truth. - Really?
Well, you seem to go out of your way to hide the fact
that we once slept together.
And, frankly, I just want to see Clark's face.
[laughs]
Doesn't count, wasn't work.
Eh, it was a little bit of work.
Okay, so I get a little floppy
when I mix rum and over-the-counter nasal spray.
Oh, you were also on that combination in the morning.
[chuckles]
So.
What did people say about me?
All right, across the board, everyone agrees.
You're really good at slicing limes.
Okay, cool.
[elevator bell dings]
Esther, what are you doing?
I told you to keep an eye on everyone.
I was, and then I heard there was a juicy e-mail leak.
Did you know that Brooke is Roland's daughter?
BROOKE: Jack, when you told these guys
to put their e-mails in the trash,
you did make sure they emptied their trash?
I'm suddenly realizing I don't know much about computers.
Guys, did you read the electronic mails?
Why don't you ask
the narc who rats me out to Brooke
every time I'm late to work?
Tough talk from the woman who e-mailed Clark
about how cheap I am,
just because sometimes I return milk after trying it out.
CLARK: Well, I found out
“orange soda” was a clever, secret code
for something that actually meant... orange soda.
Mason took an unfortunate photo of me opening a can...
...and ever since then,
these two have been e-mailing each other
hilarious Photoshopped pictures.
Guys, it is unacceptable that you spend work hours on this,
and not share it with me, I mean...
Are you honestly enjoying this?
Oh, big-time.
You see, the Muppet Babies here
act all high and mighty, but it turns out,
they're even more critical of each other than I am.
They just share it behind each other's backs,
which is so much worse.
Incoming call from RickyThelTGuy.
Uh, Emma, I actually remember
what I wanted to talk to you about,
so if we could just go this way.
[chuckles] After you, milady.
Jack! You have got to apologize to Ricky
before he releases something
that makes Emma realize I like her.
I'm not gonna lie to Ricky about how sorry I feel
just to support your kindergarten crush.
So you won't do this one thing for me?
Because I can't have Emma see what I wrote to my barber.
[gasps] Or my dentist.
Clark, what is happening?
Greetings.
I hope you all enjoyed
my explosive e-mail dump.
Had to be a better way to say that.
Are you ready to apologize, Gordon?
Not a chance.
Outdoor Limits does not negotiate with terrorists
or guys that look like butterscotch Abe Lincoln.
That's it!
My next dump is about to commence,
and I promise you, it is way bigger than my last dump.
Do you not hear how gross you sound?
[phones chiming and buzzing]
MALE VOICE: You've got mail.
Okay, no one check those e-mails.
We've already learned enough hurtful stuff
about each other for one day.
No, let's get it out in the open
and put it behind us.
Everybody dig in.
[exhales] No sign of my barber.
[chuckles] Guys, we gonna be all right.
Emma makes more money than me?
I've been working here way longer than you.
You think I'm the weak link on our kickball team?
You guys have a kickball team?
Yes.
Let it all out.
I am growing stronger.
You guys talk about how many times a day I say “literally”?
You guys have a list of reasons
why Emma might be the Zodiac Killer?
I never responded to that friendly Nigerian's
money-making proposal?
Okay, I am stopping this.
Thank you. Thank you. And don't encourage them.
You wouldn't want to hear this stuff about yourself.
Look, if that's how people really feel,
- I'd be glad to know it. - Okay.
Read this one. “Jack's a Disappointment”
Oh, crap.
I don't think this is a good idea.
You know what is a good idea?
Let's rub magnets on all of our computers!
- Sent from Clark. - Clark Mackatu?
The security guard? That guy is a loose cannon.
I'm just gonna turn this thing off and...
“Always been my dream to work under Jack Gordon”
Dude, this better not turn erotic.
“And his criticism has made me a better writer”
Esther, where are those magnets?!
“But you see, Mother,"
“he only cares about my work when it benefits him."
“That selfish jerk would never do a thing for me."
“P.S. To respond to your original e-mail,"
"I would go with the blue bikini”"
Jack, I know how that sounded...
N-No, you're right.
That blue bikini was slammin'.
But you wrote all this other stuff a long time ago.
True dat, true dat.
But, uh, a minute ago, I asked for your help and you refused,
so I kind of have to agree with Past Clark on this one.
Clark, it's fine. I'm not one of those people that can
[voice breaking]: dish it out but can't take it.
See you later.
Guys, Jack may not be as cool beans as I am,
but he still deserves the same amount of respect.
Hang on. “Operation Jail Break:
“Top Fifty Ways to Get Brooke
- to Give You a Day Off”? - MASON: Uh, so it's settled!
We'll delete all the e-mails
and put this terrible day behind us.
To Clark and Emma from Mason.
Mason Mackatu?
The security guard?
“Number one, invent a sick aunt.”
You lied to me.
No! Aunt Becky is very real and totally sick.
“Number six, laugh way too hard
at her jokes.”
You're a monster.
[laughing]
A monster? Girl, you are too much!
You've obviously been taking advantage of me.
I just hope you stocked up on cool beans,
'cause you are cut off.
Okay, who started the “cool beans” thing?
This e-mail dump has exposed the worst in us.
I can't believe we pissed off both our bosses.
Mom was right. The only things I'm good at
are state capitals and chasing away father figures.
Maybe Jack has a point...
We shouldn't be keeping our thoughts from each other.
Definitely. No more secrets.
Agreed, with the obvious caveats: Facebook passwords,
ATM pins, deep romantic obsessions...
EMMA: No, Clark.
We need to get it all out in the open.
I'll go first.
Mason, I know it annoys you when I'm late to work,
but there is a reason.
You can tell us. We're all friends.
The reason is Greg...
loves...
morning sex.
[groans] Oh!
- He just, like, needs me... - [strained]: Cool!
...on him. That's so dope. Keep on going.
Uh, guys, the reason I am so cheap
is because I put most of my money towards Aunt Becky.
- Aw. - Aw.
Who is not a person.
- Aw? - Aw?
Aunt Becky is the name of my party pontoon boat.
I bought her last month, and I wanted to tell you guys earlier,
but my boat friends can be a little obnoxious sometimes.
And, well, you know how boat friends can be.
All right, Clark, you're up.
Tell us a work secret we don't know.
Hmm, work secrets...
Secrets at work! [grunts]
Come on, Clark, give us something we don't know.
Okay. Fine.
I...
love...
Something special
for a fan.
I can't believe those little twerps
have been taking advantage of me.
Yeah, and I can't believe Clark thinks I'm selfish
and wouldn't do anything for him.
I always thought it was best to learn the truth,
until it hurt someone I truly care about...
me.
Well, at least you're not a doormat.
Maybe I need a little bit of you inside me.
You know the drill. We're gonna have to switch to mojitos.
No, you know what I mean.
We can't let those kids get the better of us.
I need to toughen up, and you need to be more sensitive
to their feelings.
So I need a little bit of you inside of me.
Which, as I told you at the retreat,
I'm totally down with.
If this is what you say out loud,
what is your inner monologue?
Oh, that's easy. It's the fiddle solo
from “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”
Clark Bombshell Secret Number 21...
...I am legally blind.
Emma, get Ricky on the computer phone.
Wait a second.
Aunt Becky is a boat?
[laughing]
A boat!
Girl, you too much.
But you just told me she is real and she is sick.
Yeah. She's a real boat, and she is the sickest.
Wait, so I sent flowers to a boat?
And my boat friends adored them.
Well, well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.
Well, Ricky, it's hard to apologize
to a guy who looks like the one uptight employee
at a weed dispensary.
But I'm sorry. I-I didn't think about your feelings.
Oh, and I'd like to count that as a blanket apology.
[laughs]
Ricky wins!
No, I will not keep it down!
Do you know what, Ricky?
I'm not sorry.
[groaning]
This may hurt your feelings, but it's the truth.
You have a bad attitude, you were terrible at your job,
and I know you made a doll out of my hair.
Wow, Brooke.
Your straightforward approach has...
truly shown me the error of my...
Just kidding.
Prepare for my final dump.
[phones chiming]
MALE VOICE: You've got mail.
[chuckles]
Brooke, what did you just do?
What I should have done a long time ago: stand up for myself.
So you can tell your Aunt Becky you won't be visiting her
for a while, 'cause you'll be catching up on your missed work
over the next eight weekends.
But it's prime pontoon boat season!
Oh, thank God. No new e-mails from me.
Whoa. Check out this one from Mason to Roland.
“His crush on her is bad."
“I'm worried it's getting in the way of work."
“I just saw him smell her sweater after she left the room,"
"and he's been drawing cartoons of them kissing.”
Yikes, that's a restraining order waiting to happen.
Who is this creeper?
Wait,
what's going on, Clark?
[exhales] So,
- this is... - The creeper's me.
Uh, it's embarrassing,
but it-it's time to come clean.
The e-mail's about me.
And Brooke.
It is?
It is!
A few years back, we hooked up at a company retreat.
It was a magical night
with absolutely no performance issues.
Most of that statement's true.
So what is this e-mail about?
Well, uh, I developed a bit of a crush on Brooke.
And, I mean, I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean, she's a perfect combination of Lara Croft
and a sexy librarian who knows QuickBooks.
So you smell Brooke's sweater when she's not in the room?
Yes.
Yes, I do that.
But it's okay.
- We're-we're all good now. - Yeah.
That's right. It's all in the past.
As is this.
We are starting with a clean slate.
No more grudges, no secrets.
Thanks for taking that truth bullet for me.
Hey, I've been hard on you,
so I just want to say I'm sorry...
- It's okay, Jack. - ...that you're such a baby.
So, going forward,
I'm gonna be more sensitive to your little baby bottom.
Hey, guys, we got work to do.
That was very sweet, Jack.
For someone who insists on telling the truth,
those lies came pretty easy.
Brooke, um,
I lie to you all the time.
Peace out, Cool Beans.