NARRATOR: Previously on What Would Sal Do?
All we're asking for now is that you just try to be a good person.
This is coming from the woman who barely talks to her own sister.
So, how'd we do financially?
- I think you actually lost money. - Oh.
I'll make you a deal.
You just start doing some good deeds, okay?
- I'll make up with Leena. - Fine.
NICOLE: Thanks to you and that fucking hobo, I'm getting evicted.
FATHER LUKE: If I'm going to break the sacrament of confession for you,
- I want in! - Fine.
But that means you have to listen to me.
Okay.
You come by my house, when I'm not home,
- and you hit on my husband? - What?
You know, you two aren't the only ones with unfinished business.
I never cheated on you, Joe.
Good news, you can stay.
Holy shit! Look at that! It's a miracle!
Joe is not interested in me anymore.
It's not Joe I'm worried about.
Just take your time.
Whenever you're ready.
I... I do have other things to do. So...
Well, it's, uh... Remember, this is just confession.
There's no judgment here.
Okay, so...
The other day... I was, uh...
In the bath and, uh...
Well, I spent a little too much time
touching my, uh...
You know, my...
Elderberry bush.
You had a plant in the tub?
- My vagina. - (GASPS) Oh.
Well, uh, I really, really don't know what to say.
If it helps at all, I never
ventured indoors.
I just kind of wandered around the sanctuary.
- Okay. I don't need any more details... - With your fingers?
- Pardon? - Nothing. Just...
I'm curious, what made you...
You know... Why?
I saw Joe the other day, and... (INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES DEEPLY) It just happened.
- Is it that wrong? - Yes.
It's very wrong.
Well... But since you didn't go inside,
- I think you get a pass. - Does it say that in the Bible?
Well, I'm paraphrasing.
But remember, no more of that nonsense.
Masturbation is a grave moral disorder.
(SIGHS) What's my penance?
Let's start with ten Hail Marys
with two Acts of Contrition at both ends.
And, Maria, please, stay away from your...
My happy hole?
Let's stick with fruit, okay?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Subtitle by peritta
(GULPING LOUDLY)
(EXCLAIMS WITH SATISFACTION)
That is such a waste of time.
Don't start attacking my things because you're nervous.
I don't attack your little things...
What are you two doing in here?
- You can't drink beer in the church! - But wine's okay?
Well, that's the blood of Christ!
- You're drinking his piss... - Don't get him wound up, okay?
I'm trying to relax, please.
Sal...
You have absolutely no reason to be nervous.
I heard that you were very good at the condo board meeting.
That's 'cause it's easy to talk in front of a bunch people
when you're just calling them on their shit.
Jesus was a great orator.
That's how he gained a lot of his followers.
Which is why the weekly sermon is such an important part of our mission.
Well, can't I just take, like,
a bunch of crippled kids to the zoo or something?
I broke the sacrament of confession for you.
You owe me this.
VINCE: Can I...
Sal...
If it turns out you're not the Second Coming,
the public speaking is a great transferable skill for you to have.
- Does he have to be here? - You mean Judas?
No, I didn't say Judas but it's funny that you would go there...
I don't think that's funny at all. I think that's what you mean.
- So many words you could've used. - You're not my dad.
- Come on, guys, just relax! - What?
Please!
Okay? I don't need this right now.
You know what I need?
I need another beer.
I think you've had enough.
Sal. Hey, there. Are you all right? I brought a good luck beer.
- Oh, thanks, Ma. - Okay, Maria... Please, can we go?
- He needs to be alone. - Oh.
Thank you. We'll talk later. Thank you.
What are you doing?
- Would you please get out of here? - Me?
Yes, the ship is sailing... On your way...
(CLEARS THROAT) You're not my dad.
What? What? What are you talking about?
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
(EXCLAIMS IN SATISFACTION)
- Yeah. - (GROANS)
You know, Sal.
I have an idea.
Why don't you pray for guidance?
Nope. I'm not gonna do any praying.
Well, I think it's a really good idea.
You know, talk to your father.
You know what I think would be a really great idea?
If my father spoke to me.
Wouldn't that be something, huh?
That would clear this all up.
If he just said, "Hey, you know what, son,
it's me, God, your dad.
It's legit. You're the Second Coming.
Don't worry about wasting time with the cripples." The end.
(GULPING)
Don't worry about this public speaking thing, okay?
I got it on lock.
FATHER LUKE: Now we have a very special speaker,
a new permanent addition to our weekly sermons.
Some of you might even know him.
He's a real rising star.
Please welcome
Sudbury's own Sal Camilucci.
Hey, everyone. Hey...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm Sal... Yeah.
(EXHALES)
Hey, Ma.
Um...
Okay.
Here we go. (CLEARS THROAT)
"I will betro... "
"Betrowthed"?
Is that right? "Betrowthed"?
"I will betrowthed you to me forever."
"Yes, I will... "
There it is again. Right in the next sentence.
- "Betrowthed"? - "Betrothed."
"Betrothed." Duh. (LAUGHS)
Sorry, of course.
"Betrothed." It's just...
(STAMMERS) That one's a fuckin' toughy.
(ALL MURMURING)
What?
Uh... It's just...
It's a hard word, "betrothed." I mean...
Why's this even written in Shakespeare?
- That's what I don't get. - (VINCE SNICKERS)
(WHISPERS) Vince, don't! Don't laugh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Such an idiot. Of course it's "betrothed."
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
"I... "
Look man, I told you I can't do this.
You can do it.
The guy gives me a thing with a thousand betroths here.
This book can betroth my balls.
(GASPING)
Shittily written.
He wasn't ready.
I blame you for this.
Maria, Sal has entrusted me to take the reigns on this.
- You need to do the same thing. - Oh.
I want Sal to take a two-day public speaking course.
- Oh, I don't know. - He can handle it.
And so can you. Now, go home. Relax.
You've earned it. Just keep it above the waist.
Hello there!
You made me look like an idiot up there.
That's why you need to take this public speaking course.
No, no. That's why I need people who have my back, okay?
Look at this guy. Look at all the people he had.
You'll gain apostles, too, Sal.
- VINCE: You got me. - Bit of a placeholder, but sure.
Yeah, but this guy had his own justice league.
Well, it was a different time, too.
I mean, you're not gonna be able find a restaurant anymore
that sits 13 guys on one side of the table like that...
That doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, that is weird. Who sits 13 people on one side of a table?
Yeah, well, "I'm gonna make a reservation.
I have 13 friends, we all like
- to sit next to each other... " - They wouldn't take that reservation.
Sal, speaking in public takes an awful lot of practice.
I had problems in the beginning, if you can believe it.
Granted I never said the Bible was "shittily written",
but I had my own stumblings.
(SIGHS) Okay. So, um...
Where is this course?
It's at the Hebron Hotel.
- I can stay at the hotel? - No.
- Well, then I'm not going. - Sal?
Fine.
- Does it have a pool? - Probably.
- Great. So, Vince can come, too. - Yeah.
- No! - Well, then, I'm not going.
- Fine. - Yes!
But go easy on the room service.
And no blue movies.
We're going swimming and renting a bunch of blue movies.
Blue movies...
Is that Judas on the end there?
He doesn't look like he's ready to betray Jesus,
he just looks like he can't hear the conversation.
He's got an awful seat.
Why are 13 people sitting on one side of the table?
What you got there?
Communion wafers. I stole 'em. You want one?
Mmm...
Ten tattered tailors testing tacos in a tent.
Welcome. My name's Gurt,
and pronunciation is the key...
I didn't like that.
Pronunciation. Bop bop.
Pronunciation is the key
to communication.
(VOCALIZING)
The Ks, soft palate.
(VOCALIZING) Can't cancel my crackers.
We're leaving at the break.
This could be good.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
GURT: Bop bop.
Tacos.
- Oh, thank God. - GURT: Bop bop.
GURT: Hit the back of the wall with your breath.
- Tattered tacos. - PARTICIPANT: Tattered tacos.
No!
Yeah, Ma. What's up?
How's it going?
How's the teacher? Are you learning?
Are you behaving? Did you eat?
Don't have too much junk, okay?
Relax, Ma. I got this. Okay? Look...
Take a day. You know, take some time for you.
Well, you know, I have to do your laundry,
and I wanna clean your room and...
I'm sure you're gonna be hungry when you get home.
Ma, I said take some time for you.
This is for me. I love helping you.
I know, I'm just saying, maybe, you know, one day,
you do a little bit less for me, huh?
Oh, 'cause now you got Father Luke helping you,
you don't need me, is that it?
Ma, I'm not saying that. You know, stop that, okay?
Because, of course, I'm always gonna need you.
I'm just saying, one day, relax. It won't kill you.
I'm so proud of you.
I didn't even do anything, Ma.
You took it seriously, that's all I ask.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
GURT: Bop bop.
(SIGHS)
So, when are we going?
I talked to my mom on the phone earlier.
She said she was proud of me, bro.
Oh, God. That's the worst.
Yeah, so, I got to stick it out for a bit.
I mean, it's a fucking public speaking course.
- It's gonna be a piece of cake. - Yeah, we got this.
Yeah, we got it.
Uh-oh. Shit. Sorry.
I didn't know anyone else was in here.
It's all right, bro. It's a big pool.
I just had to get out of there for a minute.
Well, sit down, have a beer, and take a load off.
Thanks.
So, what are you in for, man?
Oh, my dad thinks I'm a fuck-up.
Join the club.
He thinks this'll help me in business, so he can
hand over the reins of the company someday.
Man, I understand that parent pressure shit.
It's hard.
Okay, you know what?
Here's what we're gonna do...
When you're up there, you forget the rest of those goofs are even there,
and you just talk to me, okay? Just the two of us.
- And me. - No. Just the two of us.
- That sounds good. - Yeah.
We're in this together, bro.
And, um, maybe
a little help from my friend?
I gotta sell it, but
we could have a little taste.
Bro, I don't want to get all preachy here, okay?
But that shit right there, that's not gonna maybe help you.
That's gonna definitely help you. Actually, it's gonna help all of us.
Vince, get your keys.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no,
what am I doing?
What is wrong with me?
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy name, Thy Kingdom come...
(WATER SPLASHING RHYTHMICALLY)
Oh, God!
Well, let's bear in mind that it was his first time speaking.
Yes, but isn't part of being a good Christian giving people second chances?
Yes, even to those who give the Bible the finger.
Well, let's not lose sight of the fact that the most important thing is
that we keep on going to church.
No, I don't think he'll pass gas every week.
Well, whether he was crucified or cruci-fucked...
I think we're both saying the same thing.
And how long ago did you think you hung up on me?
So, your dad wants you to follow in his footsteps, too, huh?
Oh, you don't know the half of it, bro.
I don't even know why I care so much. It's like I can't disappoint him.
There's nothing wrong with that.
No, I mean, what's wrong with wanting to not disappoint your parents?
If you can go your whole life without disappointing your parents,
you'll have done something that very few people can.
- Yes! - It's a fucking achievement,
- is what that is. - It's like climbing Mount Everest.
Which, by the way, is covered in human shit.
- Huh? - It's a big fucking problem.
People climb up there and just piss and shit wherever the fuck they want.
That's not why people are going up there, though.
I dunno why they're going up there, but while they're up there,
they're pissing and shitting on everything, it's a big fucking problem.
Here it is, you got this gorgeous mountain,
and it's just covered in human piss and shit.
- What are you talking about, Sal? - I'm talking about how, sometimes,
if you wanna make something beautiful in this world,
you gotta shit on it as you go, you know.
- DAVE: That's genius. Fucking genius. - Yeah.
It's not genius, it's life.
And really fucking good cocaine here.
Vince, you gotta get in on this, bro.
- You know what I'm like when I do it. - Yeah, that's true.
This is just me and you, Big Dave. (SNORTS)
- Bop bop. - Bop bop.
I'll do a bump, okay?
- I'll do a bump. One bump. - Yeah, just one bump.
I'm coming in for a bump.
For this exercise, we're going to talk for a minute.
And your topic is tigers.
- Tigers? - Bop bop.
- Go! - Uh...
Bop bop. Bop bop.
Uh, tigers... Tigers. Tigers!
Tigers are majestic creatures.
Majestic fucking creatures, okay?
These tigers, they got beastly claws.
They got orange stripes, they got black stripes.
They got sick fucking teeth. And we're losing them, people.
We are. Our children's children
may fucking never even see a tiger in their lives.
Can you imagine that?
Growing up in a world without tigers all around like how we did.
It's not the same world that we grew up in, people.
No, people. We got to do something.
We have got to fucking do something about it.
Even though it's not even mostly us.
I know that. And I'm not being racist here,
but this is a fact, okay?
Asians. Asians... (CLEARS THROAT)
Asians are fucking killing tigers,
so that they can eat their dicks, so they can tigerfy their own boners,
and they'll have wicked boners like how tigers get.
- I don't think that's entirely accurate. - No, that's a fact.
That's a fact, okay? Bop bop.
Save the fucking tigers.
- (WHOOPING) - (APPLAUDING)
Gurt, good fucking assignment, buddy!
- It was a good assignment. - Good. Okay, good.
- Oh, shit. - It was good.
Yes, boys!
Could've done without some of language and all of the racism.
But it was good.
All right, we're gonna move on.
And Vince?
You're gonna talk for a minute about tigers.
Yes, Vince! Go!
(EXHALES LOUDLY AND SNIFFLES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Tigers? - Tigers. Bop bop.
- Bop bop? - Bop bop.
Uh, tigers...
(SNIFFLES) All right. Uh, I'm Vince...
(SNIFFLES) Uh, tigers...
Tigers...
(EXHALES) Um...
Yeah, my stepdad actually loved tigers.
VINCE: Yeah...
And he molested me.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Ooh.
Thanks!
VINCE: It's good?
- Holy fuck, bro! - It was good?
All right. This is... This is precisely
why the topic is tigers, because
- there's an energy in the room... - Hold on, just take it easy,
fucker, okay?
(YELLING)
I want the three of you to get out.
Get out of the room.
- Easy, easy... - (SWEARING INCOHERENTLY)
- Sorry, Gurt, and everybody. - This is my life.
- Love you, man. - Okay, just go. Just go.
It's a very helpful class, Gurt.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SHOUTS) Fuck.
VINCE: All right, Gurt, all right.
Bop bop, buddy. Sorry, bud.
What the fuck was that, Vince?
- What? - I'm just saying. What was that?
I didn't really know what else to talk about, you know?
Well, next time, just talk about nothing, okay?
- Uh-huh. - Hey, hey, hey. Listen, man...
Did your stepdad really have sex with you?
I don't want to talk about this in front of that fuckin' guy.
You don't wanna talk about it now. Oh, I understand.
You need a stage and a microphone to talk to people.
- Oh, all right. Fuck you... - Fuck me? Fuck you. I'm your best...
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Ah, fuck. It's Father Luke.
Buddy, I don't have time for this asshole right now.
- Not a chance. - You don't have to deal with it...
That's exactly why I have so much respect
for fucking females in the music industry.
'Cause you know how hard you gotta rock
to fucking succeed in rock and roll as a woman?
- (SCREAMS) - Hey! (OVERLAPPING)
They came up from, like, really good families...
You gotta be a fucking singer...
- You gotta be a songwriter... - (STRUGGLING)
- You gotta be hot. - Dancer.
You gotta be a dancer, and because you are rich you had to work
- that much harder for it. - Yes.
And why do you think that they peaked in the '90s?
- Quit! Do you quit? - Yield! Yield!
I was dealing with that all my life.
So, when was the last good little affair?
- Count it! - Two!
- Count it! - Three!
You know who that is?
- Yeah, that's Dave. - No, it's Terry.
- That's your... stepfather, Terry. - What you guys talking about?
(SNIFFLES)
- What you guys talking about? - Shut up, Terry.
- I'm not Terry. - Shut the fuck up, Terry!
Dave, man!
- (DAVE SCREAMS) - (GLASS CRASHING)
(SCREAMING)
I mean, they're not just handing out rock and roll contracts
to women all the time.
That's why every woman is kicking ass on stage.
I'm like, "Yeah!"
Yeah, I relate to their music.
I mean, all of 'em.
I know that struggle. (SNIFFLES)
MARIA: I talked to him earlier. I'm sure he's fine.
Well, then, why won't he answer my calls?
I'm sure he's fine.
What's going on? What's wrong with you?
I entered my
sanctuary.
What?
I did it.
The bath was warm.
I thought of Joe.
Maria, Joe, first and foremost, he's a married man.
Oh, I know that very well. You don't think I know that?
So you did it. Fully.
- Fully. - With what?
- What kind of a question is that? - A fair one, believe me.
Let me tell you something.
Confession looks a lot different from my side of the wall.
One lady confessed to me that she used her shoe once.
A shoe!
I don't know what part.
The toe, the heel, tongue, maybe...
- Could we get back to me, please? - Yes, of course.
I've failed.
- I'm a miserable sinner. - You are not.
You are a human being.
And you have urges. We all do.
- Even you? - Yes, even me.
I tried it once. It didn't work.
- What do you mean it didn't work? - Just don't do it again.
- There's something else. - Oh?
I can't find my purity ring.
Oh, okay, I will help you look for it.
Where do you think you left it?
In the sanctuary.
Oh.
Well...
(SNORING)
Sal?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
My fucking head.
We did half the coke.
We did half the fucking coke.
Nice one!
Nice.
- I was supposed to sell it. - Hmm?
Uh... (INHALES DEEPLY)
Everything's okay, man. We'll just fucking...
(INHALES HEAVILY)
Have some beers and then we'll do
a couple more bumps just to straighten this out. And...
Have something to eat and...
And we'll be okay. We'll figure it out, man.
You don't understand.
These are really fucked up guys, man.
Fuck.
My dad's gonna find out.
You... You want... You want a communion wafer?
Well, you'll be happy to know,
everything looks just fine.
Really?
There's nothing up there that shouldn't be.
Oh, thank goodness.
It's been a while since you've had a physical.
At your age, I think we should do a complete work-over.
Blood, breast exam.
- The works. - Oh, okay.
Um...
Yes?
Masturbation.
Pardon?
You know, masturbation.
I do.
Your thoughts?
It's perfectly healthy.
Some studies suggest it might be necessary.
Would you like some literature?
- Pornography? - No.
Information.
No. Thank you.
But, would you say that it's all right
morally?
That's not for me to say, Maria.
(GROANING)
VINCE: Sal?
(SNIFFLES)
Hey, bro.
You okay?
Yeah, bud. Yeah.
Yeah. (SNIFFLES)
I love you, buddy.
Yeah.
- Sal? - Hey, Ma!
What happened to you?
I can explain...
We went to the speaking thing,
and then I met this kid, Dave, there.
And he... He really needed help with some stuff...
What's wrong, Ma?
I did something.
What? There's no dinner? Or laundry's not done, what?
I masturbated myself.
- Oh, God. - I was in the bath and my fingers...
Yeah, okay. Okay...
Why would you... Why you telling me this, Ma?
- Because I need you to know. - No!
Look, I'm your son, okay? There's...
- boundaries and... You know? - No. You're right.
You're right. But the point is,
here I am telling you to be perfect,
and meanwhile, I stick my fingers...
Oh, okay. Night. Thank you.
(CRYING) I never want you to think less of me.
Less of you?
I could never think less of you, Ma.
Listen.
Nobody's perfect, okay?
I mean...
Fuck, look at me. The other day, at church...
I... I embarrassed you.
I embarrassed myself.
That was Father Luke's fault.
He pushed you. You weren't ready.
Yeah, I know it's easy to, you know, blame others,
and point fingers, but in this case,
it was 100% Father Luke's fault.
But I'm ready now.
Okay? I wanna make you proud.
(SNIFFLES) (SIGHS)
Sal...
Room service by the pool,
a broken lamp,
a towel in the toilet,
closet doors missing...
Ten movies with the word "Pussy" in it?
Yeah. Once Vince gets going...
How am I going to pay for this, Sal?
With the money from the collection plate.
What collection money?
The collection money I'm gonna earn by getting up on that stage...
- Altar? - And fucking killing it.
Yeah. I've learned a lot.
So the course worked?
Yeah, sure, the course, why not?
Money well spent.
Well done.
SAL: "The disciples only had five loaves of bread and two fish.
Jesus asked them to bring what they had.
Taking the five loaves and the two fish,
he gave thanks and broke the loaves.
Then he gave them to the disciples,
and the disciples gave them to the people.
They ate and were satisfied.
The disciples picked up 12 baskets full
of broken pieces that were left over.
And the number of those who ate
was over 5,000 men."
Amen.
- You did great. - Yeah, thanks.
- FATHER LUKE: Well done. - SAL: Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Sal!
- Yeah? - The loaf and the fish thing...
- Yeah? - You totally did that
with the cocaine and the communion wafers!
Oh, shit!
- SAL: With the hookers! - Same thing, but different!
Oh, my God. I did the same thing
with coke and hookers the other day.
(LAUGHS) That was crazy.
Gettin' my Jesus on!
- VINCE: Yeah. - SAL: Oh, man.
Subtitle by peritta