Previously on What Would Sal Do...
Sal is not exactly Hollywood Jesus.
But the Bible isn't a manual, okay?
- NICOLE: Daryl asked me out. - What'd you say?
I need stability in my life.
Somebody who knows what they want.
You come by my house, when I'm not home, and you hit on my husband?
- I still wear my purity ring. - So, what?
Just 'cause I have a wedding ring, doesn't mean I'm faithful.
- It doesn't? - Not me.
I'm just saying, a ring doesn't mean anything.
I wanted to be a painter.
Sal, I want to, for lack of a better term,
manage you.
You think it's true,
everyone's got one person they're meant to be with?
I hope not.
It'd be a pretty cruel world if that were true.
(SIRENS IN DISTANCE)
Hey, what's up?
Chillin', chillin'.
Haven't seen you here in a while.
Yeah, I've been busy. Crazy busy on that whole, uh,
I'm trying to be a better person tip.
- Oh, right. - So...
Plus, you're banned. (CHUCKLES)
So, how are things with that shithead Daryl?
- What are you doing here? - Loretta messaged me.
She wants to hang out or something, so...
She hasn't worked here in months.
- Really? - Mmm-mmm.
So, you don't know what she wants, then?
No. Why, what did you do?
- Nothing, I didn't do anything. - Yeah, right.
We had a little thing, I borrowed some video games,
she probably wants them back.
- So, then, what's the problem? - Fuck her, that's the problem.
- I haven't passed them yet. - Wow...
You really are a changed man.
- (LAUGHING) - I am, okay, I am.
I know it sounds bullshit as fuck,
this whole trying to be a better person thing, and help people stuff, but...
You know, it's working.
I feel great.
I'm really good at it, too, you know, making a lot of people really happy,
so...
I'm not surprised.
You're not?
No, things are looking up for me, too. I'm...
This is my last week here.
- It's your last week? - Mmm-hmm.
Why, are you like, uh,
- going somewhere, or... - LORETTA: Sal!
SAL: What's up, Loretta?
So, what, is it take your kid to work day or something, or...
It's take your kid to work day.
And his name is Ace.
Well,
I'll let you get back to all of those good deeds that you're doing.
Yeah, yeah, that's your daddy.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Subtitle by peritta
This is a disaster, Sal.
SAL: What do you want me to do, okay?
She begged me to plow her. Begged me!
Vince, back me up!
The Second Coming cannot be a dad.
But if you are, you're taking responsibility, believe me.
Ma, when have I ever done anything
that would make you think I'd be a good father, huh?
The way you look after the backyard is nice.
- I need a drink, please. - FATHER LUKE: Me, too.
When did you start drinking again?
Well, I like to indulge every time a 30-year plan goes up in smoke.
Maybe I should just be this shithead's father.
- FATHER LUKE: What? - Yeah, I mean,
I know how hard it was to grow up without a dad.
You have a father!
- And you need to start praying to him. - No, no, I have a deadbeat father.
- No. - Yeah!
I mean, I've had, what? Over 30 birthdays and Christmases
- without a fucking peep from this guy? - I give up.
That's a deadbeat, is what that is.
(VINCE SIGHING)
(DISHES CLATTERING IN KITCHEN)
Sal, I'm a piece of shit.
- Yeah, I know, Vince. - I had sex with her, too.
Loretta. Same night.
- Where was I? - You were asleep.
- In the bed? - Maybe I am Judas...
No.
No, you're a fucking life saver, is what you are.
Hey, everybody get in here! Vince has something to say.
But in future, if I'm in the bed...
- Don't have sex in it? - As a courtesy, okay?
What is it?
So, turns out,
Vince smashed Loretta same night I pounded her.
These words mean the same thing, right?
Yeah, what it means is that Vince is probably the dad.
I jerked off in her underwear, too.
- Oh, for the love of God! - SAL: What the fuck, Chooch!
- Vince! - That is terrifying!
And I take confession from murderers!
I understand, in retrospect...
- SAL: No, wait, wait... - FATHER LUKE: Never mind that.
This might be good.
This might be very good, in fact.
Vince, I know it sounds crazy,
but you need to claim this baby as yours...
I'll do it!
- Oh... - Who's the Judas now?
- Probably the guy that keeps saying it. - Fuck...
LORETTA: He's asleep now. Shh, shh, shh.
What a perfect little screamer.
Just like his mother.
Yeah, for your sake, I hope he outgrows that. So annoying.
Yeah, well, he's going to have a great father figure
- to model himself after, Sal. - Speaking of which...
That's my boy.
- I'm the father. - There is no way.
Oh, yeah?
- Why'd I bring these? - (OBJECTS RATTLING)
There's no dyes, there's no BPA's,
I'm doing tons of research... Take 'em.
Yeah, you really lucked out, he's gonna be a great dad.
Yeah, nice try.
But it's Sal's.
Why would you even want me to be the dad, okay?
- I mean, I got no job... - No education.
I'm not going to get a job anytime soon...
- Probably has diabetes. - Never passed a drug test,
and no offense, but I hate that fucking kid.
I know guys with educations and jobs,
I jerk them off for a living, and they treat me like shit because of it.
But you're different, Sal.
That is why I could feel myself getting pregnant with your seed.
You came inside of me like a volcano.
Well, that for sure sounds like me,
but Vince also jerked off in your underwear.
- No... - What the fuck, man?
I think we can agree, it was worth it.
So, two-to-one odds it's Vince's kid.
I'll take a paternity test.
Way to go, buddy. You'll do it tomorrow.
- Yeah, but I know it's Sal's. - Well, I know it isn't.
- Well, you take one, too. - What are you doing, Vince?
- Why would you say that? - Yes, I'll agree to that.
Well, I don't know it's your kid, so you gotta take one, too.
- Well, fuck off. - Fuck you.
- No, fuck you. - Fuck you.
- Yeah, well, fuck you. - You know what, fuck you!
- Fuck you. - Fuck you, Vince.
(BIRDS CAWING)
I can't believe you don't trust me.
Oh, yeah, we're all shocked.
Look, if you're so sure that kid's mine,
why didn't you tell me while you were still pregnant?
Well, you wouldn't have believed me then, either,
- so what's the difference? - Well, the difference
is we could've gotten rid of it.
(WOMAN SCOFFING)
Together.
Could have gotten rid of it together.
(PHONE RINGING)
Why don't you put your eyes back in your head, huh?
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
(CHUCKLING) Life's funny, though, isn't it?
Sal had sex with her, yet there's a chance it isn't even his.
Funny...
Funny?
Well, not "funny" funny. Just... Funny.
Anyway,
maybe with some luck, we can make this all,
you know, disappear.
What are you talking about?
Oh, get serious, Maria.
We need to make this problem go away.
Make it go away?
I think I can scrape up enough money
to convince this woman to move to Winnipeg.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
But Winnipeg's nice in the summer!
But nothing.
People need to take responsibility for their kids.
Maybe you should just butt out for a while.
What? Why?
You pushed too hard, too soon.
And all so you could reap the rewards of finding the Second Coming.
Oh, let's not play the blame game, Maria, 'cause you'll lose.
- Every time. - Excuse me?
I warned you for years.
You coddled him, and now look.
He has no concept of actions and consequences.
Watch it, Luke. I am serious.
He needed discipline!
And just how was I supposed to discipline Christ?
A spanking?
Spank the savior of the world?
Ground the only begotten son?
How bad a mother do you have to be to ruin Jesus?
(MARIA EXHALES)
- (ACE CRYING) - Oh, Maria...
Maria!
- (CRYING CONTINUES) - Maria!
So, which one of you big spenders paid for the same-day paternity test?
Me.
Okay, this is obviously important to you all,
- so I won't... - Look, um...
Before you say anything,
I just want to say that if Ace is mine, which I hope to fuck he isn't,
because, I cannot stress this enough, I do hate that fucking kid, but...
If he's mine, I'm gonna do the right thing.
- Thank you, Sal. - Yeah.
On that note, with 99.6% accuracy...
- Sal, you are not the father. - Boom, yes!
Did the crime, won't be doing the time!
Oh, shit! I gotta raise him.
No, you're not the father, either.
- SAL: Yes, Chooch... - Oh... That's good news.
VINCE: Thanks, Sue.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, look...
You know where I live, right?
Yeah.
Okay, good. Could you get that fucking kid out of my house?
Vince and I are gonna go get polluted.
Vince, let's go, bud!
(DOOR OPENING)
Call me!
(FOOTSTEPS FADING)
(QUIETLY) Fuck...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIREN IN DISTANCE)
SAL: (MUFFLED) I feel like The Matrix, 'cause I dodged that bullet.
I dodged it!
Who wants a cigar, huh?
You want one of these? 'Cause we're celebrating!
We are celebrating.
That's right, we're celebrating the fact that this guy is not a dad.
That's right, and neither are you, buddy,
- you're not a dad, either! (LAUGHING) - (YELLING) Yeah!
I need to get rid of all those baby shoes,
I need to stop saving up for Disney World.
Fuck Disney World!
VINCE: Yeah, fuck it!
I never wanted to go, anyways.
All right, I'm gonna be right back, okay?
FATHER LUKE: Another round for the both of us.
MAN: What's going on, Ace of Base?
(SAL SIGHING)
- (SAL EXCLAIMING) - MARIA: Hmm...
Oh!
It's a good night.
What's going on, Ma? You okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just, uh...
Oh, I was thinking about Loretta, you know...
... and how hard it is to be a single mom.
Well, you did it, right?
- Hmm? - I'm just saying, you did it.
You were a single mom, so...
Yeah, which is why I'm worried.
I mean, it's really tough. She's in for a hard time.
(SAL SIGHING) Okay.
How about, um...
If I check in on her sometimes?
That would mean so much to me if you did that.
All right, well, consider it done, then, Ma.
You wanna get out of here? You want to go?
No, I think, uh...
I think I'll just hang out, and finish this wine.
How you gonna get home, Ma?
I'll probably call a cab.
All right...
I wanna go see Loretta and Ace.
- I wanna go. I wanna go. - Give it up. Give it up, Vince.
(VEHICLES PASSING)
I didn't even know you drink.
I don't.
But I figured I needed it, after all this.
All what?
You didn't almost have a baby.
You're not allowed to have babies, you're a priest.
You're a priest.
You got micropenis, too.
- What? - You got micropenis.
Watch it, Vince.
I mean it, watch it.
I saw it.
On the church swim trip.
I saw it.
I couldn't take my eyes off of it,
and I know that you saw me see it.
Keep your voice down.
(VINCE CRYING)
What are you doing?
(SOBBING) You don't like me, because I saw your micropenis.
What are you talking about?
(SOBBING) You fucker!
What are you... What's wrong with you?
- I saw the belly button on your balls! - Please...
It's not funny! It isn't funny!
What I have is a real medical
- condition... - You got like a baby thumb.
- You got like a... - Shut up!
- Like a pink little... - Be quiet!
Like a fucking... And then, you just go...
- Shut up! - So, that was why you become a priest!
- Shh! - That's why you become a priest!
- Because I've gotta cut my dick! - Shut up... No...
- And that's the only job... - Shut up!
(VINCE GRUNTING)
- What's going on, boys? - Heads up.
- (VINCE VOMITING) - Ohh! (LAUGHING)
- (VINCE VOMITING) - Oh, get it out, buddy, get it out.
Don't sweat it, he's a puker.
(VINCE GROANING)
Sal looks good.
Yeah, yeah...
It's nice to see you out having a drink.
Yeah. Wine.
More of a beer guy.
Yeah, some things never change. (CHUCKLING)
No, they don't.
(STAMMERING) I was gonna call a cab, you know?
- Yeah... - (MARIA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)
Well, or... If you want a lift...
Oh... Yeah, sure.
One more drink?
Um...
How often do you get out, right? I mean, what's the rush?
I think it's better if I call that cab.
Yeah...
Sal, that baby could have sunk us.
Well, it didn't, so... Another miracle, right?
Your mother has led a life of sacrifice for you.
- Still does. - I know.
Okay. Let's just not make it all in vain.
I get it. Fuck, okay?
Great, good.
- I'm glad you get it. - I get it, I get what you're saying.
I understand you get it.
What are you doing? Are you okay to drive?
Yeah! Boom, boom, boom, I'm all right to drive.
- You sure? - Yes! Come on.
(SAL GRUNTING)
The last thing this family needs is another car accident.
Car accident? What are you...
I drank too much. Get out of here, go!
- FATHER LUKE: Get him home. - (ENGINE STARTING)
- (VEHICLE SHIFTING GEARS) - (ENGINE REVVING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
We need to talk.
I think what you mean is, I need to apologize.
No, I mean, uh...
I need to confess something.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, my God, this is terrible.
(DEEP BREATH) Oh, God...
Maria, you of all people have nothing to fear.
All will be forgiven.
Joe and I kissed last night.
Are you insane?
We just escaped a disastrous PR nightmare,
and now you kissed your sister's husband?
I know, I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLING) I need a drink!
Yes, I'm drinking again!
Full-time. Happy?
Oh, what would possess you to do such a thing?
I feel like I don't matter.
(INHALING) I feel overlooked.
What have I done with my life?
You are the mother of the Second Coming.
Yeah, so, what? I'm like the oven that made a great lasagna?
Who cares about the oven?
(RAGGED BREATHING)
I never had my own life.
I want something for me.
I know that's selfish, and now I've wrecked everything.
No, you haven't.
You're a flawed human.
We all are.
But we can all be mended.
What about Leena?
I need her forgiveness, too.
No, you do not.
She doesn't need to know, ever.
As long as God forgives you,
other people don't matter.
That doesn't sound right.
Well, which one of us went to seminary school for eight years?
(VEHICLE DOORS CLOSING)
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Ring the door.
- (ACE CRYING) - What do you want?
Is that Ace I hear?
No, I'm listening to a screaming baby CD to calm my nerves.
- No, I fucking hate you guys! - All right, you know what?
You know, we came here to help you?
Yeah, we got diapers. Here.
You wanna, I don't know, go have a nap, or get drunk or something,
we'll watch the kid for a few minutes.
I never wanted to do this on my own.
I'm suffocating.
I am!
It's okay.
Look, I thought between the baby bonuses,
and the welfare cheques, I'd be rolling in it.
But that shrieking horror show wasn't worth the extra cash at all!
That dream crusher is a prison, and I have been given a life sentence.
All right, cut the shit.
You're in a dark place right now, so it's hard.
And you know what?
It's gonna get harder.
You know what else?
You and that baby are gonna form one fuck of a bond.
You're gonna love each other, and you're gonna take on this world together.
Sure, sometimes you're gonna wanna throttle him.
Like... Like when he's 12 years old,
and you come home, and he's doing hot knives.
Or when you find him in your laundry room,
getting head from the Filipino girl that lives down the street?
- They grow up fast. - You're gonna lose your shit.
But nothing will ever break that bond you two share. Ever.
So, fuck it.
Doesn't matter if you don't know who the dad is.
I know who the dad is.
You do?
Now that I know it isn't either of you, yeah.
- (ACE CRYING) - But there's no way he can...
It's complicated.
That's why I was hoping you would step up, Sal.
You tried to rope me in, too.
Yeah, not really.
It's not too late.
All right, fuck this,
I'm gonna go find that deadbeat, and make him take responsibility.
(KISSING)
Copper Cliff style, Vince.
Yeah.
- (ACE MURMURING) - Unbelievable.
Sweet stone siding.
That's a custom job.
SAL: Foggy as shit, though. What are we, on top of a goddamn mountain?
A guy rich enough to afford a house like this,
won't pony up some cash for hos own fucking baby?
That's the thing. It's not his money, it's his parents'.
Fuck 'em.
LORETTA: I don't wanna get him in trouble!
Oh, he's in trouble. Sal's a runaway train.
That's not what I meant!
Hey, off the top of my head,
wouldn't things be better if I just adopted him?
No. Sal, wait!
- (VEHICLE DOOR CLOSING) - (BANGING ON DOOR)
- (VEHICLE DOOR CLOSING) - Can I help you?
Yeah, yeah. This your house?
Is there a problem?
Yeah, I got a problem with your custom stone.
- (SAL EXCLAIMING) - VINCE: Whoa!
That's what you get for abandoning your baby, bro!
And for abandoning your baby's mama!
- And being a cunt! - Yeah, you fucking cunt!
- Nice one, Chooch! - Sal, no! That's not him!
What? You said this was his house, though!
LORETTA: Yeah, but he's not the dad.
Hey, get away from my dad!
Hey, baby...
Wait, you and him?
- (YELLING) You go with this kid? - No!
- What are you? How old are you? - No!
SAL: Come on! Geez!
- No! - Ahh!
(GARAGE DOOR SLIDING)
(GARAGE DOOR CLOSING)
What are you doing here?
I need to speak to Leena.
She's at Casino Rama for the weekend with friends.
What do you want to talk to her about?
Joe, what we did was terrible.
And it will never happen again.
But I think we need to get this out in the open.
- That's... - All of us.
Bad idea.
- But it's the right thing. - How?
Leena would be a wreck.
My marriage would be over. She'd never talk to you again.
It's done. Let it be done.
But my own sister, Joe. I have to say something.
Please don't do this.
Leena's good for me, okay?
I can't lose her.
I have to be honest.
You just want to make yourself feel better.
(STAMMERING) And I do that by being honest.
We just have to make sure
that it never happens again.
(MARIA EXHALING)
You know what, buddy, your son's a fucking goof poser,
and he knocked up Loretta, and now's he's gotta fucking step up!
Yeah, or else I will.
All right, everybody just calm down.
All right?
Do you know this woman?
No!
And I wouldn't touch her if I did.
That's a lie! You were all over me at the end of your shift at Burger King.
You gave me free onion rings,
and I gave you a lift home in my cousin's Tercel,
and we made love.
No, Harry's a good boy. There's no way this happened.
Yes, it did! He made me see stars.
You punched her, bro?
- No, with sex stuff. - Oh, nice.
(SIREN WAILING)
It's all right, it's all right.
SAL: No, it's okay, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
Hey, what seems to be the problem?
- Hey, Sal. - What's going on, Jacobs?
These two men assaulted me.
Buddy, are you kidding me?
Listen, this idiot is this goof's dad,
and this goof is her baby's daddy,
and now neither of them are gonna pay up!
- SAL: You believe that? - He is 15!
- Buddy, I'll 15 you again, okay? - JACOBS: Shh.
Son, this is serious.
Did you have sex with this woman?
- Okay, fine. - Boom!
(HANDCUFFS RATTLING)
- What the hell? - Whoa, what are you doing, man?
I'm placing you under arrest for statutory rape.
Wait a second, where's Ace?
I left him in the car.
(YELLING) No!
Oh, I'm sure there's a charge in there somewhere, too.
Sal...
(VEHICLE DOOR OPENING)
- (MARIA MOANING) - (KISSING)
(MOANING, KISSING)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Whoa, you're gonna do that?
I mean, I was thinking about it. Why?
- Well, it's... - What?
(STAMMERING) Because I, well, I mean, I know there's different positions,
but I don't know that one, or any of them.
Maria...
It's fine.
What do I do?
You've seriously never done this before?
Seriously.
- It should be good. - (MARIA EXHALING)
(KISSING)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
You mean, should be...
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Holy Mother of Pearl!
- SAL: Okay, so, um... - (INAUDIBLE VOICES)
They're making Harry take a paternity test,
and if he is the father, his parents have agreed to raise Ace.
(BELL BUZZING)
But there's one condition.
What?
You can't have anything to do with the baby.
That's fucking amazing!
- Okay. What do I have to sign? - You know you're still the kid's mother, right?
Yeah, but why should he have to suffer for it?
I can finally get my life back in order, you know?
Go back to my old job.
What was your old job?
I'm a hygienist.
What are you doing working at a rub and tug?
Don't get me wrong, being a hygienist pays the bills,
but working in people's mouths all day is fucking disgusting.
Yeah, it would be.
- (ACE MURMURING) - You're gonna be all right.
(ACE CRYING)
LORETTA: Thanks, Sal.
- (ACE CRYING) - (SAL SIGHING)
- (VINCE SIGHING) - (CLICKS TONGUE)
I think you did it again,
but I can't tell.
What, this?
This was a fucking disaster, Vince.
Well, I mean...
That woman had no business being a mother.
She knew it more than anybody.
But now, Ace is gonna grow up in a fucking mansion,
with people who actually give a shit.
Plus, they've agreed to let me visit him.
So...
Is that three miracles?
I don't know. (SCOFFS)
You don't actually think these are all coincidences, right?
I don't know.
(LOCK CLICKING)
(SAL SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)
(EXHALING)
MAN: (EXCLAIMING) So good!
So, another satisfied customer in there, huh?
(SAL CHUCKLING)
Well, hello, Sal.
Hey, I got a bit of an update for you.
Uh, turns out that kid?
He's not mine. So, a bit of a mix up there.
I am not the father. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's great news for the kid, right?
Well, yeah, 'cause I found the real dad, made him get involved.
Gave him one of those. Pow!
- Mmm... - Yeah.
So, you just came here to tell me that?
No.
Also came here to give you this.
- (BOX RATTLING) - Boom!
- What? - It's for you.
Remember how you told me you like painting and stuff like that?
Well, that's going to help you with your painting.
- Yeah, but... - No, no, no, no, no.
Look. I'm doing nice things now.
I'm doing good things, you're doing good things, you know what we should do?
We should go celebrate, get some dinner, maybe.
- I can't. - It doesn't have to be tonight.
- We can go out anytime... - Sal... (CLEARS THROAT)
Daryl and I are moving in together.
Really, huh?
That's fucking weird. Why would you do that?
Well, because
I want to go back to school, and he said he was going to help me.
Oh! Oh, fuck, you're just using the guy.
- All right, that's cool, then. - What? No!
- Why would you even say that? - Well, you said it.
You just said you were moving in with him
so he could put through school or something like that, right?
Yeah, but also because I like him.
Because we like each other.
Well, you and I kind of like each other, too, and...
Look, I can...
I can help you, too, because I'm really getting my life together right now, so...
But Daryl already has his life together.
Yeah, but not like I'm gonna have it together, trust me.
Come on, Sal.
You're going around doing good deeds for your mom.
No, no, no, that's just how it started, it's way bigger now.
- It's different now. - That's good, I'm happy for you.
Well, good, then...
Go out on a date with me then.
Just come on.
I can't accept this. It's really sweet, but...
Well, I'm not taking it back, so...
That's yours, you can keep it.
NICOLE: Bye, Sal.
(FOOTSTEPS FADING)
You're making a big mistake, Daryl is a fucking, fuck-face goof-shit!
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Ah, whatever. It's... Fucked.
Actually, you know what could actually make me feel a little bit better?
No, that priest is still paying us not to shuffle your deck.
This day is fucking bullshit.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) What the fuck?
Subtitle by peritta