Ever wondered what it would be like
if your 11-year-old kid earned more in a week than you do in a year?
Welcome to my world.
I'm Tony Carter, and this is my house in Milton Keynes,
the one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son, Harry, came up with Honc,
an app to help him talk to girls.
Used to be my shed.
(HE SIGHS) I miss my shed.
Anyway, I don't really get social networking.
_ If I did, I wouldn't drive
a minibus for OAPs,
but it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though.
(HE CHUCKLES)
Now, some big tech company wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us?
BOTH: Cannonball!
Nah.
Drink, Harry.
Let's get down to business.
Pocket money.
What do you want?
Ten.
Bold. You broke my Mr Tea mug.
I did you a favour.
- Four. - Eight.
That mug was older than you, five.
All right. Seven.
I can't go lower than seven, Tony.
Don't forget, I also taught you
how to delete your internet history.
That was useful.
Six, rising to seven, if you take the blame
for leaving the freezer door open last night.
So, it was you.
Hm.
Seven rising to eight, if I don't tell mum
you left the freezer door open last night.
That's blackmail!
That's business.
(HE CHUCKLES)
Deal.
Same time next Friday?
Yeah. I wouldn't miss it.
Actually, Dad, I got you something.
Oh! What'd you get me?
Oh!
Uh...
Thanks, son.
Synced and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com
What do you think of this? Wallingford Manor.
Am I going into care?
That ship has sailed, love.
Liz, we're not moving.
All right, I know. Doesn't mean I can't do a bit of window shopping.
We're just buying the windows?
(SHE LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's right, Ellie.
We're going to buy a house in installments.
We should get the roof first, in case it rains.
Good thinking, Ells.
Heyyy!
Oh, Harry, what have we said about not making yourself a victim?
It's his uniform! He's going to work with me today.
He's 11.
He doesn't want to ride around in a mobile old people's home.
It smells.
He needs to learn the value of money.
He's just been out and bought a car worth 60 grand!
- 80. - 80?!
So, it's the 4.4 SDV8 diesel?
With Bluetooth phone connection and voice control
and follow me home lights are standard.
Oh. No, no!
No, you need to learn your lesson.
Now, I get paid
24.8 grand a year.
So, over 52 weeks that's...
£476.92.
Yeah, exactly.
So, each day I get paid...
Um...
- 97... - 95.
£95.50...
- 30. - 32...
38.
£95.38 per day.
Come on then.
That Range Rover's worth God knows how many working days.
839.
(HE LAUGHS)
I literally had my hand upon your bell.
Apologies for disturbing you on a Saturday,
but I'm afraid there's some rather important
Honc business. (FRONT DOOR CLOSES)
Ah.
Alone and talking to myself.
How very like school.
(GROOVY MUSIC)
HARRY: Dad, why do all of these buses have girls' names?
Well, they're all named after inspirational women.
There's Rosa, there's Boudica,
and this one's mine, Anne.
- Frank? - Robinson.
I had a thing for strict gingers.
Wish my wife was as dirty as your bus.
You're not married, Glenn.
Glenn Stringback,
best driver in the depot.
You're the boy who's literally made out of money, then, are you?
- I suppose. Not literally. - Where do you keep it all?
- Your training bra? - Oi! Don't trash talk my son.
What's it like having a kid that's richer than you, Tone?
Uh, better than having one I never see.
Hey! I have supervised access to Galahad once a quarter.
We're hitting Legoland in June.
DAVINA: Next week's rota.
Davina, see you're taking sexy back.
I'm reducing your shifts.
The other blokes need them more than you.
Yeah. Me and Annie are taking over the funeral run.
But I've always done the funeral run,
they love having me on there. I always cheer 'em up.
Oh, diddums!
You can dry your tears on your kid's money, mate.
The nose, not the coins.
That wouldn't work.
Glenn's got a 97% punctuality record, Tony.
I mean, the man's obviously a complete tit,
but you can't argue with his stats.
Hey, Davina, what say we go through the new rota
on the back-seat of my bus?
See if you got any shifts need filling.
I am never going to have sex with you, Glenn.
Cool.
Catch you later.
So, you see, Harry,
if you break the cost of things down into work time hours,
you get a sense of the true value of things.
What are you doing?
Oh, busted.
Or should I say, mini-busted!
(HE LAUGHS)
Two minutes and I'll be right back with you, I promise.
Mr Zebrisky needs Harry to sign off on some changes to the app.
Well, we're taking some pensioners to armchair aerobics.
Sorry, Dad, it really can't wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
How did you know where we were?
Come, Watson, I have the nose
- of a bloodhound. - Oliver!
We've fitted a tracking device to Harry's phone.
What?!
You might has as well have tagged him!
It's nothing sinister,
we just simply need to know the whereabouts of your child
24 hours a day.
In the bus. We're leaving.
But, Dad!
Um, but Tony... Tony, really, um,
I really will get in rather a lot of trouble if I don't...
Tony! Tony!
OLD LADY: Driver!
Oh, sorry! Sorry!
Yeah, I know, but we need to act rich.
Talk about soaking up the ambiance and stuff like that.
Can we say I'm the reason we made loads of money?
Yeah, if you like.
So, how did you make your millions?
I'm a Chinese princess!
But you're not Chinese.
Oh, OK.
What if I say I'm a child genius who invented a website?
Or we could just say you're a Chinese princess.
She got knocked up by One Direction.
We don't know which one!
So, this is the atrium.
Oh, my God! It's massive.
Hello! (FAKING ECHO) Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
- It's the echo. - Yes.
If you'd like to follow me into the drawing room.
There's a room just for...
Actually, Geraldine, would you mind leaving us,
so we could just look around on our own?
We want to soak up the ambulance.
We won't touch anything!
♪ Word Up! by Little Mix playing ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Word up ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Word up
♪ Everybody say ♪
♪ When you hear the call you've got to get it underway ♪
♪ Get it under way... ♪ ♪ Word up ♪
♪ It's the code word ♪ (CHUCKLING)
♪ No matter where you say it, you know that you'll be heard ♪
♪ Word up ♪
♪ It's the code word
♪ No matter where you say it, you know that you'll be heard. ♪
OLIVER: So, Harry, we thought it might be rather fun
to have a horn sound every time you get a message on Honc.
Let me run a few of the options.
There's this one.... (HONKING)
Not so keen on that one.
Mm-hm. Then there's this one. (HONKING)
Or this. (HONKING)
Or even this one. (HONKING)
My catheter's coming out.
Dad, Peter says his catheter has come out.
Oh, right. OK.
- Uh, this is what we call a code yellow. - What about this one? (HONKING)
Actually, I think it's coming down my trouser leg.
Do you like this one, Harry? (HONKING)
Harry? Harry?
OK, stop! (TIRES SCREECH)
It's pooling in my shoe.
Oliver, can we do this another time?
Well, I... Wait.
What is that soul-stirring sound?
♪ Sail Away by Enya playing ♪
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪
(MUFFLED) ♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away... ♪
- Toot? - No.
Just offering you the pipe of peace, my friend.
Glenn, you're in the last disabled parking spot.
- I've got a code yellow. - Code yellow?
Nasty. That's just two away from brown.
(HE LAUGHS)
Of course you can have the spot, compadre.
In an hour.
(TONY SIGHS) (GLENN CHUCKLES)
I guess there's just some things money can't buy.
(PUTTING OUT HIS ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE)
Tony, it's making the seat wet!
I mean, my thinking is I'll just wear your dad down.
I mean, if we could just get him to come and see this place.
Ellie, are you having a wee?
Fair enough. I went twice.
There you are!
Out of the pool, now!
Give me a minute.
I knew you two were time wasters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
We are not time wasters!
Oh, come on! You can't afford this place!
Oh, we can't, can't we?
Fine.
- We'll buy it. - Uh, Mum...
Yeah. We'll buy all your houses,
- be like Monopoly. - Mum.
Ellie, shush. Mummy's buying a house.
Really?
Yeah.
Actually, no.
But not because we can't afford it,
but because we haven't sold our place yet.
We'll take it.
Great!
(SHE LAUGHS)
See? We're not time wasters!
Your oldies love you.
Roy said that you're the best thing that ever happened to him.
Oh, thanks, pal.
Roy is actually very confused and thinks I'm his late wife, Mary,
but I'll take the compliment.
You ought to get yourself one of these, mate.
Always carry one on the dash in case of little accidents.
Tell me you're not going to be hanging around all day.
Nope.
Just one drop, finish here, then bingo.
It's bingo.
You're doing bingo as well?
Yeah. We both know there's only one disabled spot in Mecca.
Looks like you're going to be eating my dust again, Carter.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not racing you, Glenn.
What? Scared your kid will see you for what you really are,
a less skilled driver of a long wheelbase
community transport minibus?
Drag racing's illegal in Buckinghamshire.
Yeah, well, bingo's just over the Bedfordshire border.
Harry.
Round up the pensioners.
What does this have to do with teaching me the value of money?
Absolutely nothing.
OK.
Winner gets the funeral run.
And sex with the other man's wife.
Seriously, Glenn, you're not married.
- All right, my mum. - Let's keep it professional.
It's your loss, mate. She's fit.
But you can't say anything, nowadays, can you?
To be fair, Bernard, I think that word's always been racist.
Come on! We're racing Glenn to Mecca Bingo!
ALL: Oh!
I can't even imagine what that means.
(HORN HONKS) Wait, my hat.
I've left my hat.
- Oh, I'll get it. - Leave the hat. We need to go now.
No, Harry, I must!
After all,
what is a man without his hat?
Quick sticks, Bernard, go, go, go!
Are you coming to bed, Mary?
(HE SHUDDERS)
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away. ♪
(ROCK PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Harry! Harry, wait! Wait!
Oh, bobbins!
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away... ♪
(BOTH MUSIC OVERLAPPING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(BOTH MUSIC OVERLAPPING)
(ENGINES REV)
(TIRES SCREECH)
This isn't the way!
It's a short cut. I'll show him who's the hot dog.
It's like Top Gear!
Come on, Dad! Can't we go quicker?
I'm trying, son! I'm trying, I'm going as fast as I can!
(HE SCREAMS)
Dad, speed bumps.
How's your catheter, Peter?
Peter?
Dad! (TIRES SCREECH)
(HE SIGHS)
Balls.
- You all right? - Yeah.
What about them?
Fine, still asleep.
(HE KNOCKS)
You've rear-ended my beautiful Enya.
She's fitted with front and rear dash-cams.
This is by no means an admission of guilt,
but, uh,
is there any way
we can sort this out without going through the insurance? You know.
No chance! Come tomorrow morning, somebody's boss
is going to be hearing about exactly what's happened here.
By what's happened here, I'm talking about the crash.
When I said somebody's boss, I meant ours.
- You got that? - Yeah, I think I got that, Glenn.
Yeah, good.
Just, you know, text me if you've got any more questions.
(DISCO MUSIC)
Oh, Harry, hello. It's Oliver again.
Look, I'm really, really rather lost.
I seem to have stumbled into some sort of inner city ghetto.
There are youths everywhere.
It's the most hellish storm.
- Please, just call me. - Good afternoon!
(HE SCREAMS) Not today, thank you.
I hope it's Niall's. He's got the nicest clothes.
You do know that you're not actually pregnant, don't you, Ellie?
What you're looking at there is mainly cheese.
Oh, yeah. Keep forgetting.
How are you going to tell dad you sold the house?
I'm not. Don't tell dad.
Never tell dad.
Oh, I've really done it this time.
Mum, are you still looking at houses?
It's Rightmove. It's addictive.
All right? All right.
What have you done today?
BOTH: Nothing.
What have you done today?
BOTH: Nothing.
Excuse me, I'm so terribly hungry,
but I'm afraid I don't have a reservation.
I don't suppose there's any way
you could possibly accommodate one for supper?
♪ Cissy Strut by The Meters playing ♪
♪♪
(MUMBLING IN HER SLEEP)
(FAKING THE ENGINES RUNNING)
♪♪
(HE CHUCKLES)
Very funny.
(SHE LAUGHS) What are you doing?
(HE MOANS)
Oh! Heated seats.
Mm. Front and rear.
That's good 'cos I thought I'd wet myself.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, you're not going to take this back,
Tone.
- I am. - Honey, just think,
all the things that we could get up to
on a quiet lay by with that kind of boot space.
And the seats are wipe clean.
- Wipe clean? - Mm.
(CHUCKLING)
No. No, it's the thin end of the wedge.
So, we're just going to carry on as normal
with ten million quid in the bank?
Well, no.
We can, you know, start shopping at Waitrose,
get a dishwasher?
And buy a new house?
Look, we built this house.
It was you and me,
before all the money.
I just don't want to move.
OK, OK. We won't move.
(HE SIGHS)
Why is there a sold sign in the front of our house?
What?! What?!
That's weird, isn't it?
Must be next-door.
Very annoying.
I'll uh... I'll just, you know, get rid of it.
♪ Come Get It Bae by Pharell Williams playing ♪
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(SHE GRUNTS)
♪♪
You know I could just pay someone to fix it?
Yeah. And what will that teach you?
That if your car's broken, you can just pay someone to fix it.
I'm going to fix it myself.
I'll see my boss,
I'll own up, I'll say sorry
and I'll take what's coming.
I should come too, you know?
Face the music together.
That's my boy.
You're learning valuable life lessons.
Dad,
what's happening?
We're having a moment.
I don't want to have a moment.
We're having a moment, deal with it.
(HE GROANS)
OK. Moment's over
What do you reckon?
I think you're getting sacked.
Now, remember, son, whatever happens,
we must always retain our dignity.
I heard there was a little incident yesterday. Is that right?
I'm not going to lie, Davina.
- Yeah, there was. - Tony,
you are giving me no choice.
I can't have unsafe drivers.
(GLENN CLEARS THROAT) Um... Just... It was me.
- It was my fault. - You what?
The crash, it was my fault.
I backed into him.
Why did you do that?
Well, uh...
Just jealousy.
Tony being a better man
and a better driver, generally.
Um... I'd like him to have all his old shifts back.
- And... - And what, Glenn?
Just like him to have my bus,
and, yeah, I'd like him to have my Enya.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
I'll tell you what, she handles like a dream.
I don't get it.
Why would Glenn just give you his bus?
It's all down to a little thing called respect.
Can't put a price on integrity.
♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie... ♪
(HARD RAP)
I'm getting very mixed messages from you, Dad.
What? The message is clear.
Don't use money to solve your problems.
But if you need to, then do.
Simple.
♪♪
I'm going to pay you back. How does five pound a week sound?
I'm going to push for seven, rising to eight.
And that will take 307 years.
(HE SIGHS)
Come on, then.
Harry?
Harry!
_
Harry!
So, I've drawn up a list of rules
which we need to live by.
The Carter Magna Carta.
Item one.
Every new purchase has to be agreed
together.
Who votes we get a new house?
Aw, afraid you're one vote short.
Can I get a new bike?
- Can we get a butler? - Can we buy a jam factory?
Harry, yes.
Liz, no. Ellie, why?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hiya! Today is the day!
So exciting.
(SHE SCREAMS)
Synced and corrected by LittleDuck www.addic7ed.com