Thindor, my 20-sided die may have failed me,
but I won't wail,
my father's sword shall not.
MAN: Oh, my god.
- What, too harsh? - No.
- L-l don't want to get flagged by a moderator.
MAN: No, a plane crashed, you [bleep] hole.
Shocking video of Presidential candidate Xander Crews'
campaign jet slamming into the dirt outside of the town.
XANDER: Man, I'm glad we weren't on that.
STAN: Yep.
That plane was, like, boosh! - Yep.
19 people perished,
including Team Jaguar's own Darcelle Jones.
But Xander Crews parachuted to safety.
Ka-kow! [ beep ]
Okay, first thing is I need a bigger, ass-kickier jet.
No. No more jets. - Stan.
STAN: Besides the fact that they're a magnet for stinger missiles...
Yeah, who do you think did that?
...you've got a serious image problem.
XANDER: My only problem is I don't have a jet,
and me and Fred Dryer aren't on it.
. It .. - Shut up.
[ Beep ] Ashley, where are we on Fred Dryer?
Fred Dryer?
XANDER: Yes, Fred Dryer.
ASHLEY: Oh, no.
What?
ASHLEY: I've been calling for Fred Hunter.
You know what I think happened?
You got 'em mixed up?
ASHLEY: I think I got 'em mixed up.
Yeah, 'cause he's Hunter and you got 'em mixed up.
- Yeah. - God, you know --
ASHLEY: I have a mnemonic device.
Just hang up.
ASHLEY: Fred Dryer is hunting.
Oh, for [bleep] sake!
Just get him on the phone!
Dee McCool. [ laughs ]
[beep] Ugh!
Now, what is this you're talking?
You're a billionaire playboy.
XANDER: Ka-kow!
The American public can't relate to you.
Duh!
We've got to remold your image,
get people to look at you and say, "now, there's a fella
with whom I'd like to share a cold b-r-rewski."
Yeah, and I bet that's just how they'd say it.
For starters, you'll campaign in a bus.
Then you need to get married.
Uh, spit take!
A bachelor cannot win the Presidency.
Well --
Freaks people out.
So you need to bite the bullet and marry Grace Ryan.
[ laughs ]
You know...
What are you doing here?
[ Sighs ] Apparently wasting my time.
Well, not just your time.
You know?
I'm trying to run for President.
DOTTIE: But we have got a serious image problem.
Well, everybody loves me.
Greenpeace, the Sierra Club.
Who is it -- NORML.
Yes, but the environmentalist vote --
And Taqu'il's been out, you know,
rallying the negroes.
Man, I'm just trying to get back the votes you already lost.
And Stokely Avenue A.M.E. Zion Church, just remember this.
Somebody's probably going to assassinate him
and then guess who will be President.
[cheers and applause]
Can I get an "Amen"?!
But, yeah, we're making strides.
Ooh, what if we gave out little bottles of grape soda
with our logo on them?
Man, you got to stop with the grape sodas.
Orange.
And you need to broaden your base.
Well, now we're just all over the map.
DOTTIE: Listen--
Mr. Ford, what do you think?
MR. FORD: I think why you call me on Sunday?
Me and Vernon James is fixing to make the turn.
Then five is one hitter for the back nine.
KILLFACE: We were just wondering about the poll.
Yeah, I got your pole right here.
[beep] Ugh!
Talking about my penis!
Come on, Vernon.
Let's burn one down.
Hello? [ dial tone ]
You know, how much do we pay him?
Heh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.
[ Chuckles ]
We need to win over middle America.
You know, get the NASCAR crowd.
- Ew. - What's NASCAR?
And I can't think of a better way to do that
than for you to go --
...to the annual North Fork Duck Hunt.
Um, I'm assuming that's as rednecky as it sounds.
All the big candidates do the North Fork.
No kidding.
Tromping around in the boonies, killing some birds.
Fantastic photo op.
I go hunting every year.
That's not hunting!
Yeah, so, this is probably on the down low,
but every year I go on these sort of --
I guess they're like gray-market safaris.
MAN: Is that a panda bear?
XANDER: Yep, the most dangerous game.
MAN: Man -- man is the most dangerous game.
Well, tell that to a mommy panda protecting her cubs.
MAN: That's disgusting.
You should see when they skin it.
MAN: God.
Seriously, you'll puke your guts out.
So, you're doing the North Fork,
and that's just all there is to it.
All right, bossy! God!
So, should I just stay here?
Yeah, you just...
keep doing what you're doing.
[ Quacking ]
[sighs] I look like a pushup.
Well, I think you look dashing.
[ laughs ]
You know, you should be out doing this, too.
Two movies --
"Surviving the Game," "Deliverance."
Not gonna happen.
It could be a lot worse.
Impossible.
You could look like him.
Whoa-hoe!
Boosh !
Now, what's he doing here?
Just enjoying a day of hunting, as so many regular Americans do,
and perhaps later he'll enjoy some NASCAR.
Seriously, what is that? Is that a band?
Mr. Face, aren't you worried you'll alienate
the environmentalist vote by participating in today's hunt?
I cured global warming, all right?
So if I want to bag a few birds...
Shut up.
All right, I think that's enough.
Xander: Hey, "Douchington"!
Nice bus, little rascals!
Well, nice plane you had.
NOW, see?
KILLFACE: Past tense!
- What's he mean by that? - Buddy!
Think he might have been involved.
Ooh, can you hear me? I thought I bit off that ear!
I got a prosthetic one, dick!
Which, pretty sweet we make these.
STAN: All right.
I bet I kill twice as many ducks as you!
Ha!
This marsh will run red with the fruits of my vicious slaughter!
Within the legal limit, of course.
Yeah, maybe at your mom's house!
Well, m-- wait, what?
[ Snorts ]
And so now Mr. Crews will hunt.
Well, then put down the bamboo.
What [bleep] bamboo?
You got to put a big pile of it down,
and then the mommy panda comes out and she's all,
"I'm gonna find some bamboo for my babies."
And you're like "pow!"
[ quacking ] Peel her one.
Get out there, you idiot!
What, out there in the mushy wet part?
Well that's where the ducks are.
Oh, he's kidding. He loves to hunt.
What if there's snakes?
You have a shotgun.
Oh, right.
Big believer in the second amendment.
Yeah, whatever that is. All right, I'm off.
Hey, try to shoot a fish for Lamont!
[ Quacking ]
Bird, this is a duck hunt.
You got to chill on the quacking.
[whimpers]
[duck call sounds]
Hah!
What?
Those aren't even real.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
That's what I'm saying!
Ah!
You know, security-wise, all these guns around,
nobody's checking credentials.
It's totally unsafe!
I almost shot your face off.
Well, somebody's gonna get shot out here.
You can pretty much bank on that.
ASSASSIN: Yes, you can.
[ laughs ]
Oh [bleep] I forgot to go to the bank.
But don't you worry, Papa Bear.
Old Wendell's got your back.
Yes, and it's a good feeling.
And, hey, look at me.
All right.
Look at me.
All right.
You stay frosty out here.
Well, Wendell, I'll --
Hmm.
Like to have a thought balloon over that guy's head.
[duck call sounds]
Ooh, maybe that's some ducks.
I'll run over there.
[duck call sounds]
Ha!
Hey...
jerk.
Yeah, nice one... jerk.
You lost, too?
Yeah, I've been following the quacking.
Yeah, it keeps getting farther and farther
away from the drier bits.
Yeah, I am soaking-ass wet.
It's freezing.
You have any food?
Aw no, do you?
No, and I'm about to keel over.
Yeah, usually by this time,
I'm honking down a big old panda steak with home fries.
Well, I don't know what that means.
You think they're looking for us?
Both Presidential candidates out lost in a duck bog?
They must be.
TAQU'lL: Man, I can't believe this.
Well, it's not like we can stay out there all night.
No, I can't believe
I've been missing out on this white-knuckle thrill ride.
Lookit! Junior's making a move!
God love him.
All right, who's ready for another Tom Collins?
See? Now, he gets me.
Damn it, now I think we're even more lost.
Yeah, kinda of reminds me of that
time we were wading through the sewer.
- Really? It's almost the exact same plot.
Because it kind of reminds me
of the time I wish you'd shut up.
Oh, you got me.
I said, "are you sure this is the way?"
And you said, "yes, Killface, this is the way.
I'm sure of it."
That's how you talk.
[ High-pitched voice] "Yes, Killface, this is the way."
- You talk like that-- - It was a take-charge moment.
Oh you wouldn't --
[duck call sounds]
What was that?
Crews, blow your thing.
Why don't you blow my thing? [ laughs ]
KILLFACE: Damn it.
- I'm sorry... - You know...
You can't softball it in there like that, man.
- You know I'm gonna dog it. - Ass.
Oh, lighten up.
Come on, it's over that way.
Dibs on the dark meat!
- Shut up! - She said.
Killface: Turn 6 already!
Xander: It's what she said!
Killface: God!
Well, why did you take -- of course they're cold.
Why did you take your shoes off?
So I could kind of feel around with my toes.
Why?!
For frog eggs to eat.
Ribbit.
There's not frogs's eggs down there.
Well, not with that attitude.
And I definitely heard some frogs.
Your lack of Woodcraft is...
Ribbit.
- Damn it! - What?
I used to have this kick-ass flare gun,
which actually would be handy right now.
KILLFACE: Wait that's it!
What's it?
Our guns -- we shoot them in the air.
Well, there's definitely no ducks.
No, you idiot.
It's the international cry for help in the wilderness.
Bang, bang, bang. Three quick shots.
Where'd you hear that?
It was in -- oh, god, what was it?
There was this whacking great bear.
Oh, was it that movie, "The Bear"?
Shut up. No. It was--
XANDER: "B.J. and The Bear"?
Tony Hopkins was in it.
Oh, god. Is he great?
I could watch him read the phone book.
And pay to see it.
I'd like to just smell his hair.
Anyway, he did that, got rescued, and, I think,
reunited with Elle Macpherson.
You're sure that's not "The Bear"?
Yes! Now cover your ears.
Wait, why do you get to do it?
Well, it was my idea.
Yeah, but I got us lost.
Well, just more lost.
We were pretty decently lost to begin with.
But I put our actual lives in jeopardy.
Well, do you want to argue about
it until we both die of hypothermia?
No, but I'm prepared to.
Fine, we'll do it together!
[ laughs ]
Would you turn 6, please?!
Sorry. Here we go.
Three quick ones on three.
Wait, why do you get to count?
KILLFACE: God, all right. You count.
All I'm asking.
- One... - No...
- Shut up. - Oh, my god.
- Damn it. - "The Edge"!
Tony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Elle Macpherson,
black guy from "Oz," whacking great bear.
"The Edge."
Why aren't you counting?
Are you going to count or what?
Shut up!
I'm just saying. You know--
I'm counting.
Well, then count!
One...
- It was "The Edge." - Yeah, I got it.
Tony Hopkins. Here we go.
Two...
[splashing]
Three.
[duck call sounds]
EN .sub/.idx subtitles: METdeath Demon retime + .srt convert: agi24cz