Ever wondered what it'd be like if your 11-year-old kid
earned more in a week than you do in a year?
Welcome to my world.
I'm Tony Carter, and this is my house in Milton Keynes,
the one with the yellow shed.
That's where my son Harry came up with Honc,
an app to help him talk to girls.
It used to be my shed. Oh, I miss my shed.
Anyway, I don't really get social networking.
If I did, I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAP's,
but it seems to have gone massive.
Harry still can't talk to girls, though.
Now, some big tech company wants to pay millions for it.
But will it change us?
- Cannonball! - Nah.
I usually like to be blindfolded in
the comfort of my own bedroom, Oliver.
Oh, but I have a rather super surprise for you.
Oh, my God, are we at Disneyland?
We've only been in the car ten minutes, Ellie.
Now, mind your step and that discarded prophylactic
and three, two, one,
ta-da!
Welcome to Honc HQ!
Looks like somewhere you'd dump a body.
Well, yes, but imagine it transformed.
Slides between floors, ball pools for creative thinking sessions,
mini golf on the roof.
It's amazing.
Just think, all of this was something that came out of your head.
Honc is on the up and up!
Hearty congratulations, Carters.
ALL: Yay!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Oh, Trent, hello. Right.
Understood. Save your whoops and hollers. You're being sued.
Another child is claiming to have co-created Honc.
What?!
Save the whoops, got it.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
William Gosling, 11,
claims he met Harry two years ago at a summer computer camp.
I remember him, he was the weird one.
Tony, it was a computer camp, all the kids were weird.
- Mum... - Oh, come on, son.
You arrange your vegetables in alphabetical order.
William is claiming that the two of you became
best BFF's forever
and created Honc together.
He's lying. We weren't even friends.
He had a pet moth and kept on showing everyone his willy.
Reminds me of being at Eton.
This is all obviously a big misunderstanding.
Harry invented Honc on his own.
But how to prove it?
Just use my notebook. The one I have all the Honc code in.
I can dig it out, it's all the proof we need.
And that is all you need to do.
Trent has some of his top men on this.
ELLIE: You're one of Trent's top men?
OLIVER: No, no, if anything I'm one of his bottom men.
My role is merely to ensure that you do not contact the Gosling family.
So, whatever you do, do not approach them.
Is that clear?
We'll just tell them straight, "We think you made a mistake."
Yeah, if you don't back off I'm going to damage you with my hands.
Liz, if you can't control your temper,
then I'm going to send you back to the car.
Do you want to go back to the car?
- No. - Do you?
- No. - Good.
Because we're going to deal with this like civilised adults.
Hello?
BOTH: Argh!
Don't mind us, we were hiding.
We thought you were the social worker.
Get away, you're not taking my child!
Anyway, how's it hanging, Carters?
Yeah, we haven't seen you guys since the boys were at computer camp.
And now you're suing us for millions of pounds.
I know, isn't it weird?
So funny how things turn out.
Life.
Actually, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
Look, just because we're taking you to court
doesn't mean we can't be buddies.
You're just in time for the Gosling family music hour.
Guess who's on triangle?
We're playing the songs of Destiny's Child.
♪ Question, tell me what she thinks about me. ♪
Do you think we could come in and talk about this?
No!
OK, then, why don't you come to us?
Tomorrow night, dinner, eight o'clock.
BOTH: It's a date!
Brillo pads, we can put all this silly Honc nonsense to bed.
Later, Carters!
What did you do that for?
Now I've got to cook for them.
I panicked, he had a ukulele.
I don't believe it.
You found my notebook?
Even better, it's Mr No, You Shut Up.
- No, you shut up. - TOY: No, you shut up.
See? That's his name cos that's what he always says to me.
But his name could be anything because it records whatever you say.
No, his name is Mr No, You Shut Up.
- TOY: No, you shut up. - No, you shut up.
- TOY: No, you shut up. - See?
We'd argue like this for hours.
Fine.
Right, that's the last from the loft.
Dad, look what I found.
Liz, she found it!
Hide the batteries.
Dad, I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
Really? You've never not wanted to go to school.
Not even when those big kids set fire to your backpack.
I can't find my book,
and everyone's going to think I'm a liar.
Harry, Harry, Harry.
Listen, you've got nothing to hide.
You did create Honc,
so you need to go into that school with your head held high.
No-one is going to think you're a liar.
THEY CHANT: Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!
You've let me down, Carter.
You're a fake and phony.
I've lost all respect for you.
You beat me up on a daily basis.
Yeah, out of respect.
Did you do my maths homework?
I thought you might've been the one.
Are you all right, Ellie?
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Oh, well, careful, you know what happens when you think too much.
I get really tired.
Really tired. You slept for a week after your SATs.
Dad, if we lose Harry's money, what's going to happen to us?
You know, you don't need to worry about this.
If we do lose the money, nothing will change.
Dad, I know you're just trying to stay strong,
and that's very nice of you, but that won't pay the bills.
I've decided I'm going to get a job.
What about school? Nailed it.
It's time for a new challenge.
All right, what are you going to do?
Well, I saw this advert in a phone box...
- Oh, God. - And it sounds perfect
because I like dancing
and I googled exotic and it just means foreign.
I'm just going to... I'm just going to stop you there, Ellie.
I don't think that's the job for you.
I don't know, Parville seemed really enthusiastic,
I just have to get somewhere called Pandora's Box tomorrow night.
No, no, no, no, no, something else.
- Definitely something else. - Like what?
Well, you know what, Ellie?
I think at this moment it's very,
very important that you stay in school.
Fine. I'll stay in school,
as long as you promise to stay strong
and keep the money coming in.
OK, Ellie.
I promise.
Why aren't you wearing your nice red shirt?
Cos you can see my nipples through it.
I don't want to send Sue over the edge.
She's already over the edge.
No, what I mean is, she's got a thing for me.
[SHE LAUGHS]
Oh, bless you.
She so hasn't.
Oh, trust me, I remember it from before.
She keeps giving me this sideways look.
- How does it go? - Like this.
What, she had a stroke?
No, trust me, girl, she thinks I'm sexy.
Well, she's clinically insane, so maybe.
I'll tell you what I think is sexy, a man who can cook.
No, no, no, no.
- I'm not falling for that. - Yes, you are.
- Oh, no, I'm not. - Oh, but you so are.
No, I'm not cooking the dinner just because you're promising me sex.
Yeah, but we both know that you will,
so I need to go upstairs and get changed
and in about five minutes' time, I will be completely naked.
- Completely? - Yeah, totally.
- Baby oil? - Oh, yeah.
Five minutes, can you make it ten?
I don't want to burn the rice.
[RHYTHMIC BANGING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Kids, get the door!
Why can't you get it?
We're putting up the picture!
Weird, they usually only put up pictures on Sunday mornings.
Ellie, I don't think they're putting up a picture.
Well, what's he banging then?
Quickly! It's the Goslings, we'll be down in a minute!
Sorry, the risotto is a bit burnt.
So, Harry, how's the Alma Mater?
HARRY: I'm going to guess at fine.
Talking about school, young fella.
Do you not study Latin?
William does, and Mandarin.
- ELLIE: The little orange? - No, Chinese.
It's the language of the future.
Quite right, Peter. [HE SPEAKS MANDARIN]
- What was that? - Mandarin?
No, I mean, you just called your dad Peter.
Oh, but he's Peter and I'm Sue.
I mean, Mummy and Daddy,
they're just Victorian constructs that perpetuate gender stereotypes.
Yeah, yeah.
Harry calls me Elizabeth all the time.
Why? Your name's Liz.
Which is short for Elizabeth.
Wow, game changer.
OK, so, Harry's just won his school's chess tournament.
Only me and the headmaster entered.
William is the under 13 chess champion,
and he swept the board at prize giving.
I won everything, apart from most popular pupil, that is.
Well, Harry's got loads of friends, haven't you, Harry?
- Two. - William also has
- a lot of friends. - WILLIAM: They're all moths.
Don't mention the moths, we discussed this.
So, Harry, have you got any friends who are moths?
William is the lead soprano in his local gospel choir.
- Sing, darling. Sing! - WILLIAM: No, I'm...
♪ When Jesus says yes ♪
♪ Nobody can say no ♪
♪ When Jesus says yes ♪
♪ Nobody can say no ♪
♪ When Jesus says yes ♪
♪ Nobody can say no ♪
♪ When Jesus says yes ♪
♪ Nobody can say no... ♪
What's the RAM on this thing?
12 gigs.
When we're rich from my Honc money,
I'm going to get the new one with 16,
full HD, water cord and over-clocks of 4.14 gigahertz.
William, why are you lying about co-creating Honc?
Peter told me not to discuss it with you.
Look, if you just tell the truth, I won't be angry.
Harry,
do you want to see my willy?
Daddy bird's home.
Does baby bird want her din-dins?
Yes.
OK, right, let's get down to brass tacks.
Harry says William didn't help him invent Honc
because he'd invented Honc before he even met William.
And William says he and Harry invented Honc together
during lunch breaks at computer camp
so they didn't have to talk to girls.
- Yeah, that, I can believe. - Look, one of them's lying,
and it's not my son.
Harry is prone to the odd tall tale.
He told William his dad was actually the Stig.
You're not the Stig.
How do you know I'm not? Could be anybody under that helmet.
And anyway, all parents tell their kids little white lies.
Yeah, I mean Ellie thinks her rabbit ran off
to join the other animals at Farthing Wood.
- And did it? - No...
Tony ran over it with the lawn mower.
When William's rabbit died, we dissected it.
So did I, technically, because half of it ended up as shit.
You know, when you're upset,
there's better things you can do than show people your willy.
You'll end up on the special list they put DJs on.
The tablets take the edge off,
but being an only child is hard, you know.
Peter and Sue expect so much from me.
I think my parents are a bit more easy-going than yours.
Don't you sometimes just want to run up a big hill
and scream and scream at the top of your voice,
"I am the moth king, watch me fly"!
- Where are you going? - To hang out with my sister.
I never thought I'd say this, but she makes more sense than you.
I'd happily go over her with the lawn mower.
We just need to stay calm and approach this rationally.
You've met them.
We're not going to fix this by being rational.
Hey, you might be right.
This might be time for a bit of the old Tony charm.
- Oh, yeah, that'll do it. - I'll sweet talk her,
and get her to admit this is all nonsense.
I mean it shouldn't be hard, look,
she's been giving me the eye all night.
Will you stop it with all this, Tony?
She doesn't fancy you.
- You're not all that. - Well, you didn't say that earlier
when we were putting up that picture.
Oh, well, maybe that particular painting was a fake.
I brought us some coffee, where's Peter?
Peter's having a poo.
He'll be gone for at least eight and a half minutes.
OK. Well...
seeing as Peter is busy, uh,
I thought you and I could talk.
I would love that.
Do you like me, Tony?
Yes?
What do you like most about me?
Oh, your hair.
I really like your hair.
You should see my chest.
- I sort of can. - I think we should have sex.
Well, this has escalated way quicker than I imagined.
Whoops, did I say that out loud?
But I think it would be fun, don't you?
- Please? - Now, Sue, we're both married.
Ah, but this was Peter's idea.
Oh, listen, you're a really nice lady but...
- Look... - What the hell is going on?
I did say.
Liz, your husband, my husband and I are going to make love.
- Tony? - I can't just switch it off.
I see you've started without me.
Whoa, Peter,
I'd love to say that this isn't how it looks, but...
But nothing, Antonio.
We all know what's going on here.
- ♪ It's getting hot in here ♪ - ♪ So hot ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ I am getting so hot ♪
♪ I want to take my clothes off... ♪
- Mahogany! - What?
- Her head or the banjo? - It's a ukulele.
What have you done?!
Played right into our hands.
- That's what you've done. - Thanking you very much, indeedy-doo.
So, you were lying.
Of course we were lying!
William's actually a very basic child,
he could never have invented Honc.
But no-one's going to believe you now
because you've just struck me and my wife.
Come on, William. We're leaving!
I'm the moth king, watch me fly!
Livid, whole-heartedly livid.
In fact...
apoplectic.
They're saying you invited them over,
poisoned them with bad rice,
sexually harassed Sue,
and when that didn't work, assaulted them with a...
small guitar.
It does sound bad when you put it like that.
We've been trying to keep this out of the courts.
But they confessed they made the whole thing up.
William didn't help co-create Honc at that camp.
He was too busy getting his winky out.
Yes, but we've got no proof.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello? Yes.
Righty-o, yes.
No, no, I completely, completely understand.
All right, then. Yes, thank you, Trent.
All the best.
Well, I've been sacked.
Trent doesn't need a, quote,
"a big, dumb, English dumbass
"with a pumpkin for a head,
"screwing things up..."
- ... end quote. - But you didn't do anything.
Precisely.
My only task was to keep you from interfering, and...
I failed.
Well, thank you, Carters.
You've been like a second family to me.
Oh, I feel awful now.
Look, maybe this is a good thing.
Maybe it's best that we didn't find that notebook.
This is our chance, we can go back to normal.
We don't need all that money.
We're the Carters.
We've got each other.
Do we really need more than that?
Right, search this place from top to bottom!
Drawers, cupboards, boxes,
look in absolutely everything!
Careful, Liz, you're going to knock my figurine off.
- My mum bought me that. - Oh, yeah.
That'd be terrible.
MUSIC: Diamond Hoo Ha Man by Supergrass
No, nothing.
- [BAGPIPES WAIL] - Tony!
- Yeah, yeah, just looking.
- Anything? - No, it's not out here.
I've looked everywhere.
Have you properly looked or have you looked like a man?
Oi. Properly looked!
I even looked in the bin.
You know how much I hate bin juice.
Looked there, did you?
Ah!
Just the chap I was looking for.
Gosh, you remember when I asked you for eggs Benedict
and you brought me scrambled eggs?
How we laughed.
Are you staying here, then?
Oh, I see, yes, very good.
Golly, I shall miss our verbal sparring.
Oliver! Oliver, thank God we caught you.
We found my coded notebook.
Now, I'm not normally one to urinate on fireworks, but...
I'm afraid this notebook proves nothing.
There's no dates, no provenance of when it was written.
Harry could have done it yesterday.
But I didn't.
There must be some way of proving how old it is.
I'm sorry, Harry, but it's pointless.
The Honc dream is, well, finished.
I'll have my usual, Carl, and make it a double.
I've never seen you before in my life.
Well, being a millionaire was fun while it lasted.
I'll talk to work tomorrow and see if I can pick up some extra shifts.
I can never show my face at coding club ever again.
Oh, well, every cloud.
RECORDING: Of course, we were lying,
William's actually a very basic child,
he could never have invented Honc.
ELLIE: What's wrong with Mr No, You Shut Up?
And no-one's going to believe you now
because you've just struck me and my wife.
I didn't know you were married.
You know what this means?
Yeah, you punched my hamster.
Well, that's wonderful news.
OK, stay exactly where you are and whatever you do,
do not talk to the Goslings.
RECORDING: Of course we were lying,
William's actually a very basic child,
he could never have invented Honc.
Look, can we just talk about this?
There's nothing to discuss.
Either you drop the lawsuit, or you're going to jail.
And I'm sure there's plenty of inmates
would love to pluck your ukulele on the inside.
Good prison talk.
- Thanks, babes. - In your weird faces, Goslings.
Sue, Sue, just want to check something, Sue.
Did you find me attractive?
Nope, all right then, good.
Actually, Tony, I would.
Liz! Did you hear that?
She thinks she would?
Liz? Oi, don't pretend
like you can't hear me.
One more bottle
and then we'll tidy up.
All right, all right, right.
Hey, I would like to say a few words.
I would like to raise a toast to my animal magnetism
and to your mum's anger management issues.
ALL: To Dad's animal magnetism
and Mum's anger management issues.
And to still having a job.
[THEY CHEER]
Oh, more good news.
The Goslings have dropped the case
and need never darken your doorstep again. Well done.
Oh, and Trent has asked that I transcribe exactly the confession
as recorded on Mr You Be Quiet
as it is our only proof that the Goslings were lying.
In your weird faces, Goslings.
Right, oh, well.
Before I'm fired again, there is one other thing we ought to discuss.
- This is awesome. - Should it be bigger?
No, I think it's about the right size.
You would say that.
Right, who fancies Chinese? My treat.
I think you're beginning to enjoy being a millionaire.
It has its perks.
Can we have prawn crackers?
May I join you?
ELLIE: Let's get it from China.
Harry, yes, Oliver, no, Ellie, why?
So you can come to us.
You know what, Ellie? Let's do it.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com