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In May of 2009,
I was on the verge of scoring
2
00:00:03,581 --> 00:00:06,414
my first big client
as an independent architect.
3
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I was willing to do anything
to make it happen.
4
00:00:08,954 --> 00:00:11,821
Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.
5
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We're opening a restaurant
called Rib Town,
6
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and we want it to be shaped
7
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like a cowboy hat.
8
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Anything.
9
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A cowboy hat?
10
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That's brilliant. I love it!
11
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I mean, nothing says delicious
like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?
12
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Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I...
13
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I think I was born to design this building.
I just...
14
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I see it.
15
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I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.
16
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Hey.
17
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What's so good about it?
18
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Uh-oh. Up all night?
19
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I told these guys
I have a vision for this thing.
20
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They want to see a pitch in a week,
and I got nothing.
21
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- Oh, it's cute.
- Cute?
22
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- Yeah.
- Robin,
23
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I could be designing
concert halls and bridges.
24
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Bridges so beautiful
they could be in museums.
25
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And I could design those museums.
26
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But what am I designing instead?
What has my career come to?
27
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A two-story Stetson
with outdoor dining on the brim.
28
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It's a sick cosmic joke.
The universe is conspiring against me.
29
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Oh, you just need to get out of the house.
Take a walk. Get a bagel.
30
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Yeah. Yeah, that'll solve everything.
31
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I haven't slept for 34 hours,
but a bagel is the answer.
32
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A cinnamon-raisin bagel
with a little cream cheese.
33
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Actually, that sounds pretty good.
I'm going to get a bagel.
34
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Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain,
according to Galoshes, our weather clown.
35
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Your show has a clown
who does the weather?
36
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- That's a little cheesy, don't you think?
- Yeah.
37
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And what's that restaurant
you're designing shaped like, Hoss?
38
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Fine. You want me out of the house,
I'll get out of the house.
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Uh-huh.
40
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Can't wait to see what the universe
has lined up for me out there.
41
00:01:55,936 --> 00:01:59,099
Kids, I've been telling you
the story of how I met your mother.
44
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The great moments of your life
won't necessarily be the things you do.
45
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They'll also be the things
that happen to you.
46
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No, I'm not saying you can't take action
to affect the outcome of your life.
47
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You have to take action, and you will.
48
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But never forget that, on any day,
49
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you could step out the front door
and your whole life can change forever.
50
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You see, the universe has a plan, kids,
and that plan is always in motion.
51
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A butterfly flaps its wings,
52
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and it starts to rain.
53
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It's a scary thought,
but it's also kind of wonderful.
54
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All these little parts of the machine
constantly working,
55
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making sure that you end up
exactly where you're supposed to be,
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exactly when you're supposed
to be there.
57
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The right place at the right time.
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Kids, it's a miracle
that I ended up on that street corner,
59
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especially when you consider how easy
it would have been not to end up there.
60
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I mean, for instance, when I first
stepped out of the apartment,
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I almost went right instead of left.
62
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Why didn't I go right?
63
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Well, to answer that,
we have to go back a few days.
64
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As you know, back then,
your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
65
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Now Eunice here
makes all of these purses herself.
66
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They are hand-embroidered
with the world's finest silk.
67
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And each one takes months to make.
68
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I cannot emphasize
how much work goes into...
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Go to weather, you idiot.
70
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Hey, everybody.
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00:03:45,221 --> 00:03:47,952
We got a high-pressure system
coming in from the west and...
72
00:03:50,828 --> 00:03:54,059
On the plus side,
I bought the cutest purse today.
73
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So, wait, why did you throw up?
74
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- You don't want to know.
- Come on. Tell me.
75
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I'm pregnant.
76
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I will raise this child with you.
You are not alone in this.
77
00:04:05,243 --> 00:04:08,041
We can even get married if you want,
but I'd still want to see other girls,
78
00:04:08,146 --> 00:04:09,408
so it'd have to be
one of those kinds of marriages.
79
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God, stop it.
80
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I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God!
81
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I ate something from this place,
82
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and three hours later,
I was spewing like an open hydrant.
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- God. From where?
- Well, that's a gross question.
84
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No, where was the food from?
85
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,525
Oh.
86
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- I don't want to tell you.
- What?
87
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:32,730
Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in
"Robin Scherbatsky, morning show, vomit. "
88
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,899
Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon?
89
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:39,007
- Someone already put it on YouTube?
- Yeah. Someone.
90
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,416
So, why you been throwing up?
You pregnant?
91
00:04:43,518 --> 00:04:45,783
Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
92
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:52,389
So, wait, why won't you tell me
where you got food poisoning?
93
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You love this place.
If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
94
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- Okay. That makes sense.
- Yeah.
95
00:04:59,402 --> 00:05:00,869
Don't tell me.
96
00:05:01,437 --> 00:05:03,564
Is it that Indian place
where the cat jumps on all the tables?
97
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- I'm not saying.
- That Spanish place with the baby's crib
98
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- in the middle of the restaurant?
- I'm not saying.
99
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God, no. No, no, no.
100
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Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!
101
00:05:14,685 --> 00:05:17,415
- Fine, you really want to know?
- Yes!
102
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- It's Schlegel's Bagels.
- No!
103
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Why did you tell me that?
104
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Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.
105
00:05:25,297 --> 00:05:27,288
Now I'm gonna have to try
to find another place in New York
106
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that serves bagels.
107
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So, you see, kids, if I had gone
to Schlegel's Bagels, as usual,
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I would have taken a right.
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I would have gotten a bagel,
110
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gone home,
worked on the old hat building,
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and you kids might never have been born.
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But I turned left instead, to go
to my second-favorite bagel place,
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and the rest is history.
114
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Of course, I stopped
at that magazine stand on the way.
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Why did I stop there? Here's why.
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Yes.
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Yes!
118
00:06:01,636 --> 00:06:03,263
Bro's Life magazine.
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Page 83. Check it.
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"What your paintball gun says
about your personality. "
121
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Below that.
122
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"That last five pounds.
How to get her to lose them. "
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Above that.
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"Petra Petrova. "
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Petra Petrova.
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00:06:20,323 --> 00:06:24,384
Bro's Life magazine's
Girl of the Year for May.
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A delicate flower in stiletto pumps
and leopard panties, straddling an ATV.
128
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These magazines are so lame.
129
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I mean, she's probably
airbrushed and enhanced.
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- I have a date with her.
- You are my hero! Are you serious?
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- How do you have a date with her?
- Not part of the story.
132
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Ted, I have been waiting
a long time to say this.
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This girl is the one.
134
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Of course, she's the one.
You have to marry those.
135
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Her.
136
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Marry?
137
00:06:50,889 --> 00:06:55,054
No. I have something much,
much more special in mind.
138
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Petra here, if all goes well,
139
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will be my... Wait for it... 200th.
140
00:07:00,466 --> 00:07:02,400
Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.
141
00:07:02,502 --> 00:07:05,301
Your 200th, as in "sex with"?
142
00:07:05,406 --> 00:07:09,843
As in "sex with. "
I request the highest of fives.
143
00:07:10,444 --> 00:07:12,969
Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.
144
00:07:13,847 --> 00:07:15,509
Two hundred is too many.
145
00:07:15,617 --> 00:07:19,348
Oh. Right, 'cause there can be
too many of something wonderful.
146
00:07:19,454 --> 00:07:23,322
"Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.
Let's not hit too many homers. "
147
00:07:23,425 --> 00:07:27,260
"Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make
three Police Academy movies.
148
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,092
"America's laughed enough. "
149
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Who are these girls?
150
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:32,728
That was rhetorical.
Don't show me the list.
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A hundred and ninety-nine
satisfied customers.
152
00:07:36,472 --> 00:07:38,805
Anyway, the big night is Thursday.
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I'm having a celebratory soirée
beforehand at MacLaren's.
154
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Prepare a toast.
Black tie optional, but preferred.
155
00:07:45,615 --> 00:07:48,675
Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary,
but follow your heart.
156
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Barney, 200's too many.
157
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- It's not too many.
- It's too many!
158
00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:54,758
- It's not too many.
- Thank you.
159
00:07:54,859 --> 00:07:56,087
No, don't get me wrong.
160
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You're disgusting, and the cops should
probably clamp a boot on your genitals,
161
00:08:00,164 --> 00:08:02,224
but that number should be higher.
162
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:06,668
After Barney told me about all this,
I crunched the numbers and, well,
163
00:08:06,772 --> 00:08:08,034
I had some charts made up.
164
00:08:10,109 --> 00:08:12,408
Barney here hits on
roughly 20 girls a week.
165
00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:17,472
Whoa! It's way more than 20.
And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
166
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:22,647
Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week
means 1,040 girls a year.
167
00:08:22,756 --> 00:08:25,555
In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,
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00:08:25,659 --> 00:08:29,925
that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.
169
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,727
Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,
170
00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:36,326
that's a success rate of
171
00:08:36,438 --> 00:08:39,839
a little over one percent.
172
00:08:40,475 --> 00:08:42,670
That's a batting average of 12,
173
00:08:42,778 --> 00:08:45,747
eight times worse than
the career batting average
174
00:08:45,847 --> 00:08:50,911
of one-handed pitcher,
that's right, pitcher, Jim Abbott.
175
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Jealous. Jealous.
176
00:08:56,392 --> 00:08:57,723
Hero.
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Suspiciously quiet
during this conversation
178
00:08:59,763 --> 00:09:01,663
about number of sex partners.
179
00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:02,857
Hero.
180
00:09:02,966 --> 00:09:05,696
It's the grand total.
That's the only number that matters.
181
00:09:05,803 --> 00:09:08,499
- Says who?
- Matthew Panning,
182
00:09:08,605 --> 00:09:11,268
the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
183
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,840
Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.
I bet you never even done it with a girl.
184
00:09:15,947 --> 00:09:17,380
Neither have you.
185
00:09:17,482 --> 00:09:19,746
How many times do I have to explain this?
186
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,376
I've done it with 100 girls.
187
00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:24,285
They're seventh graders
at my cousin's school on Long Island.
188
00:09:24,390 --> 00:09:27,723
Well, you know what, Matthew?
Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
189
00:09:29,462 --> 00:09:31,896
Yeah. Call me when that happens.
190
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:35,192
And call him I will.
191
00:09:36,069 --> 00:09:38,663
I think he's gonna say it again really slow.
192
00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:40,967
Call him
193
00:09:41,975 --> 00:09:43,499
I will.
194
00:09:44,177 --> 00:09:48,581
Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice,
as 78 and 162.
195
00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:50,583
What? Let me see.
196
00:09:50,685 --> 00:09:53,654
Seven... One... Oh, my God.
197
00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:59,320
Wait I... I counted the same girl twice?
That means I'm only at 198?
198
00:09:59,428 --> 00:10:03,592
Well, that only means that you're half
a percent less gross than we thought.
199
00:10:03,699 --> 00:10:06,532
I'm seducing a Czech supermodel
in two hours.
200
00:10:06,635 --> 00:10:09,196
I can't squander that on 199.
201
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:13,033
Petra has to be 200.
202
00:10:13,143 --> 00:10:14,167
Well, what are you gonna do?
203
00:10:14,277 --> 00:10:15,744
I mean, it's not like
you're gonna find someone new
204
00:10:15,845 --> 00:10:18,006
to have sex with in the next two hours.
205
00:10:18,548 --> 00:10:19,675
Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.
206
00:10:19,783 --> 00:10:21,410
Wanna come back to my place
and see some moon shells?
207
00:10:21,519 --> 00:10:22,543
Go away.
208
00:10:22,653 --> 00:10:25,645
I just got back from my wife's grave.
Put her in the ground a year ago today.
209
00:10:25,756 --> 00:10:27,621
Man, I miss her.
I sure could use some comfort.
210
00:10:27,725 --> 00:10:28,714
You're creepy.
211
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:31,855
Man, aren't you sick of all the games?
I just want to settle down
212
00:10:31,963 --> 00:10:34,158
and have a gaggle of rug rats,
like, right now.
213
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:36,894
I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
214
00:10:39,704 --> 00:10:40,762
Marshall.
215
00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:43,842
Knowing how important this is to me,
do you think Lily would even consider...
216
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:46,343
- And by the way, I would do all the work...
- I will end your life.
217
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:47,673
Right.
218
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,319
Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.
219
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,482
You know,
looking over the names on this list,
220
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,186
I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.
221
00:11:01,295 --> 00:11:03,422
He should really look at that in himself.
222
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,297
Okay. All done.
223
00:11:07,969 --> 00:11:10,164
One hundred and ninety-nine down,
one more to go.
224
00:11:10,271 --> 00:11:12,569
Hey, you done with your drink?
225
00:11:14,409 --> 00:11:16,104
There's the stuff.
226
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,443
What the hell happened to you?
227
00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:23,006
So, there's this girl at my gym, Pauline.
228
00:11:23,118 --> 00:11:24,745
She's been after me for some time.
229
00:11:24,853 --> 00:11:27,754
- Why'd you wait until now?
- She's not exactly my type.
230
00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:30,417
Looking good, Pauline.
231
00:11:30,527 --> 00:11:31,653
You are gonna rip it up
232
00:11:31,761 --> 00:11:35,492
at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic
in Sarasota this fall.
233
00:11:39,837 --> 00:11:43,705
So, I was thinking about you and me,
234
00:11:44,609 --> 00:11:47,077
and if you're still interested...
235
00:11:47,812 --> 00:11:51,374
- Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio.
- Sweet Mommy!
236
00:11:52,284 --> 00:11:55,742
Every inch of her
tasted like roast beef and creatine.
237
00:11:57,856 --> 00:11:59,323
But I did it.
238
00:11:59,424 --> 00:12:02,723
I did it, and I still have 30 minutes
before I'm supposed to meet Petra.
239
00:12:02,828 --> 00:12:04,319
Robin, do you have any concealer handy?
240
00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:07,490
I'd really like to cover up
some bruises and razor burn.
241
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,693
Barney,
242
00:12:09,802 --> 00:12:12,862
- I hate to break this to you, but...
- What?
243
00:12:13,306 --> 00:12:16,333
Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,
244
00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:20,402
but you also went from 138 to 138.
245
00:12:20,547 --> 00:12:22,481
You used the same number twice.
246
00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:24,312
Wait, so that means
247
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:27,047
Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?
248
00:12:27,589 --> 00:12:28,613
Congratulations!
249
00:12:29,824 --> 00:12:34,124
No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra!
Petra was supposed to be 200!
250
00:12:34,396 --> 00:12:37,525
Gorgeous, feminine,
doesn't-wear-a-weight-belt-in-bed Petra!
251
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:40,625
- Hey, come on. You made it to 200.
Yeah.
252
00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:42,135
You should be proud.
253
00:12:42,338 --> 00:12:45,501
You should be tested,
but you should be proud.
254
00:12:45,608 --> 00:12:48,839
Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose
for bikini pictures in magazines?
255
00:12:48,944 --> 00:12:50,105
Actually, she does.
256
00:12:50,213 --> 00:12:53,182
She's gonna be in next week's issue
of Muscle Sexxy.
257
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:55,547
And, like many of the ladies
in that magazine,
258
00:12:55,652 --> 00:12:57,882
"Sexxy" has two X's and one Y.
259
00:13:00,658 --> 00:13:02,489
And so,
on my way to get a bagel,
260
00:13:02,593 --> 00:13:07,326
I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute
to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.
261
00:13:07,432 --> 00:13:08,626
Barney!
262
00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:11,827
If I hadn't done that,
I would've walked right by the newsstand,
263
00:13:11,936 --> 00:13:15,304
cut down 77th
and gotten to that corner a minute early.
264
00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:18,001
I would've gotten the bagel,
done some work,
265
00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:20,578
and you kids might never have been born.
266
00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:24,116
Now, why did I cut down 77th
and give a dollar to the homeless guy?
267
00:13:24,217 --> 00:13:25,343
Here's why.
268
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:28,216
Back when Marshall first started working
at Goliath National Bank...
269
00:13:28,922 --> 00:13:30,116
Hi.
270
00:13:30,223 --> 00:13:33,522
Fran, I don't mean to bother you,
but I have a big presentation tomorrow,
271
00:13:33,626 --> 00:13:37,222
and it would really help if I could get,
like, some charts and graphs made up.
272
00:13:37,331 --> 00:13:40,300
- Could you help me with that?
- Honey, this is the graphics department.
273
00:13:40,401 --> 00:13:43,029
We can make as many graphs,
as many charts, in as many colors,
274
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,866
on as many kinds of paper as you want.
275
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:48,035
Oh, Fran.
276
00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:51,040
Oh, Franny, Franny, Fran.
277
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,877
We are gonna have some fun.
278
00:13:54,282 --> 00:13:58,082
I ranked the presidents
in order of how dirty their names sound.
279
00:13:58,186 --> 00:13:59,745
One, Johnson.
280
00:14:00,223 --> 00:14:01,713
Two, Bush.
281
00:14:02,158 --> 00:14:03,819
Three, Harding.
282
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,484
Four, Polk.
283
00:14:07,029 --> 00:14:10,727
This circle represents
"People Who Are Breaking My Heart,"
284
00:14:11,402 --> 00:14:13,529
and this circle represents
285
00:14:13,637 --> 00:14:16,606
"People Who Are Shaking
My Confidence Daily. "
286
00:14:17,174 --> 00:14:19,142
And where they overlap,
287
00:14:19,843 --> 00:14:21,105
Cecilia.
288
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:26,576
This is a pie chart
describing my favorite bars.
289
00:14:29,387 --> 00:14:33,119
And this is a bar graph
describing my favorite pies.
290
00:14:40,466 --> 00:14:41,455
What's going on?
291
00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:44,560
- Enough with the charts.
- And the graphs.
292
00:14:44,671 --> 00:14:47,538
Really, any visual representation of data.
293
00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:51,202
I'm not an idiot. Okay?
294
00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:55,737
I know how you guys feel
about my charts and my graphs.
295
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:58,546
As a matter of fact, I've made a chart
of your reaction to my charts.
296
00:14:58,653 --> 00:15:01,315
Let's take a look. Yes, it is true.
297
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:05,290
Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts
has been steadily dropping.
298
00:15:05,393 --> 00:15:09,524
But, based on recent trends,
I have also made
299
00:15:09,631 --> 00:15:11,496
a projection chart!
300
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,296
And look, huge spike in interest coming!
301
00:15:14,403 --> 00:15:16,735
And this isn't just some dead cat bounce.
302
00:15:16,839 --> 00:15:20,139
This is big, sustainable growth
over the long term.
303
00:15:20,243 --> 00:15:22,677
You're a big, sustainable growth.
304
00:15:24,547 --> 00:15:28,415
Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts
305
00:15:28,518 --> 00:15:32,182
to demonstrate how setting up
a shell corporation in Bermuda
306
00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:34,780
could help minimize
our second-quarter losses
307
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,723
and save you all some jail time.
308
00:15:39,196 --> 00:15:40,993
To begin with...
309
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,761
Could you just please excuse me?
310
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:55,303
- Mosbius Designs.
- What the hell happened to my charts?
311
00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:57,541
- We threw them away.
- What?
312
00:15:57,650 --> 00:15:59,242
That's how an intervention
works, Marshall.
313
00:15:59,352 --> 00:16:01,843
You wouldn't stop using,
so we flushed your stash.
314
00:16:02,288 --> 00:16:04,688
Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man!
315
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:07,385
Just for today, and then I promise
I will never ever use charts again.
316
00:16:07,494 --> 00:16:10,088
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
I need my charts, Jack!
317
00:16:10,797 --> 00:16:12,856
My God, you're doing charts at work?
318
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:16,734
They're for work, you idiot!
I'm giving a big presentation right now,
319
00:16:16,838 --> 00:16:18,601
and if I don't have those charts,
I'm gonna get fired!
320
00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:22,604
Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there.
I'll bring them to you.
321
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:25,372
Hurry up!
I'll try to think of a way to stall them.
322
00:16:26,347 --> 00:16:28,578
Hi. Okay.
323
00:16:28,684 --> 00:16:30,709
I'm sorry, but there's been
a little delay with the charts.
324
00:16:30,819 --> 00:16:33,913
But we will get started in just a minute.
325
00:16:40,263 --> 00:16:41,992
Fish are weird, right?
326
00:16:42,632 --> 00:16:44,930
I mean, what's up with fish?
327
00:16:50,907 --> 00:16:53,376
Charts! Get your charts here!
328
00:16:55,246 --> 00:16:59,444
Oh! Excuse me, Milt.
I think those are my charts.
329
00:17:00,117 --> 00:17:01,243
- These charts?
- Yeah.
330
00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:02,580
On my blanket?
331
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,321
That's also my blanket.
We'll get to that later.
332
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:09,019
- But I really need these charts.
- Oh good, 'cause they're for sale.
333
00:17:09,127 --> 00:17:10,719
Fine, how much?
334
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:13,594
One million dollars.
335
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:16,797
- I'll give you five bucks.
- A million dollars.
336
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,963
No one's gonna pay
a million dollars for these charts.
337
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:21,971
One million dollars.
338
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,975
Okay, Milt, you win.
339
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,204
I'm gonna give you one million dollars.
340
00:17:28,015 --> 00:17:29,607
Urinating...
341
00:17:29,717 --> 00:17:31,412
The problem is, the ATM...
342
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,349
The alien time machine.
343
00:17:33,454 --> 00:17:36,912
The alien time machine
has a withdrawal limit.
344
00:17:37,024 --> 00:17:41,428
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you one dollar a day,
345
00:17:41,529 --> 00:17:44,726
for a million days.
346
00:17:44,833 --> 00:17:46,130
That's...
347
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,967
- That's 2,700 years.
- Yeah.
348
00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:50,967
Deal!
349
00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:53,201
Okay.
350
00:17:53,909 --> 00:17:55,171
Sucker.
351
00:17:55,645 --> 00:17:58,944
I'm sorry, is there a land bass
I don't know about?
352
00:18:03,053 --> 00:18:04,020
Let's get started.
353
00:18:04,121 --> 00:18:06,783
And so, if I hadn't
bought those charts back for Marshall,
354
00:18:06,890 --> 00:18:10,155
I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th
to give Milt his daily dollar
355
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,693
and, well, you know the rest.
356
00:18:11,795 --> 00:18:12,785
Thank you.
357
00:18:12,897 --> 00:18:14,364
So, there you have it, kids.
358
00:18:14,465 --> 00:18:17,593
There's a lot of little reasons
why the big things in our lives happen.
359
00:18:17,702 --> 00:18:20,296
If I had known then where
all those little things were leading me,
360
00:18:20,405 --> 00:18:22,532
and how grateful I'd be to get there,
361
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,872
well, I probably would've done something
362
00:18:25,978 --> 00:18:26,967
like this.
363
00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:32,446
Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
364
00:18:34,086 --> 00:18:39,889
Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
365
00:18:41,494 --> 00:18:47,263
Hey, hey, glad girls
only want to get you high
366
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:53,531
And they're all right
And they're all right
367
00:18:53,641 --> 00:18:56,804
And they're all right
And they're all right
368
00:18:56,911 --> 00:19:01,815
Glad girls only want to get you high
369
00:19:02,984 --> 00:19:06,385
And they're all right
And they're all right
370
00:19:06,488 --> 00:19:10,289
Because, somehow, I ended up
in the right place at the right time.
371
00:19:10,393 --> 00:19:13,851
And, as a result,
my life would never be the same.
372
00:19:29,947 --> 00:19:32,916
The next day, Uncle Barney
finally confronted Matthew Panning,
373
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:35,008
the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.
374
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,918
So, Barney, great to hear from you
after all this time.
375
00:19:38,022 --> 00:19:41,458
- What's been going on?
- I've had sex with 200 women.
376
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:46,223
Oh God! That's way too many.
377
00:19:46,332 --> 00:19:48,527
I mean, that's just gross.
378
00:19:48,634 --> 00:19:50,363
Have you sought counseling
for sex addiction?
379
00:19:50,469 --> 00:19:51,959
Because you're a prime candidate.
380
00:19:52,071 --> 00:19:55,006
Have you sought counseling
for I win-you lose?
381
00:19:55,107 --> 00:19:58,475
Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls
you nailed in the seventh grade
382
00:19:58,578 --> 00:20:00,205
aren't so impressive.
383
00:20:00,313 --> 00:20:02,941
A hundred girls?
Is that what this is about?
384
00:20:03,049 --> 00:20:05,916
- Barney, I lied.
- Sure you did.
385
00:20:06,019 --> 00:20:08,648
I was 12. Of course I was lying.
386
00:20:08,756 --> 00:20:10,781
I didn't have a pet Ewok, either.
387
00:20:10,892 --> 00:20:12,120
Sure you didn't.
388
00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:15,490
Your whole adult life has been built around
389
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,190
something I lied about when I was 12?
390
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,294
Jealous?
391
00:20:20,402 --> 00:20:23,166
Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.
392
00:20:23,272 --> 00:20:25,740
It sounds like you got a lot of problems.
393
00:20:25,841 --> 00:20:27,365
Good luck, I guess.
394
00:20:29,611 --> 00:20:31,079
I'm awesome.
395
00:20:32,382 --> 00:20:34,942
Okay, 200.
396
00:20:36,586 --> 00:20:37,917
Now what?