ALLY: Previously on Ally McBeal:
I was disappointed you didn't kiss me last night, okay?
- I did. - On the forehead.
- You can't catch anything from that. - I don't want to blow it.
- Are you seeing anyone? - She's really a...
- I didn't tell him! - You were about to!
- Why didn't you just say it? - She has a penis!
- I'm influenced by how others see us. - Let's just be adult about this. Bye.
- A date? - Yes.
- With you? - Yes.
This is stupid but I'm gonna ask...
- I don't have a penis. - Excellent.
I've never been this forward.
- But would you like to have dinner? - I'd love to.
- You don't mind that Mommy's here? - Oh, no.
She usually comes on all my dates.
You're mama 's yapping in the back seat
Tell her to push over And move them big feet
Well, this morning I'd fight And tell her I give up
Tell her she wins She should just shut up
Is he singing about me and Mommy?
Of course not.
It sounds very on point.
You can tell her there's lots...
Don't be ridiculous.
She'll be walking down this block She can take the subway back
He's really good.
Isn't he?
Gross.
But I didn 't count On this packaged deal
He's singing about us!
He is!
Don't be ab-ab-s...
- silly.
She keeps talking She'll be walking down this block
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Love On Holiday
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's not natural that you haven't slept with him.
- Why? - You've been together a month.
Not every couple jumps right into bed, Ling.
Oh, that's right, Elaine. You wait and count to three first. I forgot.
NELLE: A relationship doesn't have to be about sex...
...but I'd ask myself, "If he doesn't want it?"
- He wants it. - Just not from you.
Look. When you meet the right man...
...which none of you have, with the exception of Ling.
Richard Fish is your perfect soul mate.
You do not rush it.
You hold longing stares. You have an extended courtship.
That first touch of the hand? You relish it.
The first kiss? You savor it.
You become, um, patient when you know that it's right.
You don't race.
Now, I love where I am with Larry at this moment.
I am not gonna let these times get preempted by a horny moment.
It's...
No...
First up. We have that charity auction tomorrow at lunch.
It's one date for a good cause. This year, I think it's cripples.
I got names in a hat... Cup.
First man and woman drawn will do it. I don't want any complaints.
Me. Damn it. Do-overs.
- No, no, no, no. - All right. All right. Nelle.
Oh, yuck.
Bid on me, Ling. I don't want to be stuck with a beast.
Forgive me one second. Ally...
...was your little squeezebox making fun of my Kimmie situation last night?
My "little squeezebox"?
I heard him sing "Package Deal." "Tell the mother to stop yapping"?
He looked at us too. Now, I don't appreciate that kind of garbage.
Um...
John, Bruce Springsteen wrote that song.
- I don't think he had you in mind. - Oh, yeah.
Get flippant. That'll mitigate the offense just fine.
- He marked on John's turf. - We needn't hear from you, Goldilocks.
Excuse me. We've been sued by the Peanut.
- Excuse me? - Sexual harassment.
Who's the Peanut?
This librarian clerk, left a year ago.
Sexual harassment? Anybody here harass him?
- Right. - Well...
Elaine? In my office, please.
Ling, Mark, you two will handle this. I'm tired of getting sued for this.
- What was that? - What?
Oh. It's nothing.
I think you know that Larry wasn't ridiculing you.
Oh, maybe I feel deserving of ridicule.
I'm a grown man dating a woman who takes her mother on dates.
I mean, what the hell is that?
Didn't she go on the first few dates alone?
But as the relationship deepens, she's more prone to emotional intimacy.
For that, she needs Mommie Dearest. Look, Ally, I'm an odd man myself...
John.
Obviously, you care about her.
So much so, that you even pretended to be a rock 'n' roll singer.
Why don't you talk to her and tell her the mother is unacceptable?
She's fine for holidays, but not dates.
It says you repeatedly offered him sex.
It was a joke. He knew I was joking.
We're friends. It makes no sense.
It also says that you made him eat your underwear?
I never made him.
I just showed my inventions to him.
I invented edible cherry underwear and offered it once as a light snack.
- Ling, you're fired. - What?
This case is legitimate. I need a real lawyer, outside counsel.
Mark, hire Larry Paul. Do it now.
I'm very disappointed.
Hey, bitch. What's up?
You seem happy.
I'm fired from the Peanut case. Let's go shopping.
Might as well. I need something for the stupid auction.
It's for a good cause. Maybe somebody rich and handsome will bid on you.
- Can you imagine how much I'd get? - No, Ling. How much?
Tell you what.
Since it's such a great cause why don't you volunteer?
I'll bet whatever's bid on you that it won't be higher than my bid.
Nelle.
Come on, Ling, Ms. "Every Man Wants Me."
You couldn't possibly be afraid of losing.
It's just...
...how do I know you won't recruit someone to bid more than you're worth?
Here's a flash: Men go nuts for me.
I'll admit you have this whole dark-haired exotic thing going...
...but when it comes to a man's true fantasy? I am it.
I'm tall, gorgeous. I look like I have brains.
Which I, in fact, do have.
You?
You're short.
And you bite.
Ladies.
- Larry, I was just coming to see you. - I was on my way to see you.
You were?
It's a good sign when a couple can meet halfway.
Are we a good couple?
I see potential.
- What are you thinking? - I don't believe in that.
Believe in what?
Telling each other what we're thinking.
- Over-talking. It can make you lazy. - I'm sorry?
Well, part of communication is silent body language. Mood, you know?
Greeting each other. Figuring it out instead of just...
...flipping to the back for answers.
I'm having trouble reading you then.
All right. I'll tell you this one thing.
What?
Standing here, right now...
...I'm totally freezing.
- Let's go. - Where?
Back to your office. Richard Fish hired me.
He did? Why?
Something about peanuts.
PEANUT: Even that nickname...
...I find insulting. Peanut.
- I never... - Elaine.
- But you've always had that nickname. - That means I had to endure it here?
- But you're suing her for what she did. - Okay, look.
You wanted to dispose of this matter. I'm not comfortable letting him speak.
Either an offer must be presented or I must let my discomfort prevail here.
Daniel, you and I are friends.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I can't allow that. No, I cannot.
I'm not comfortable, off the record.
If you want to depose him, I suggest we adjourn...
...come back with a stenographer. Tomorrow.
Why don't we do that, then?
- Something's going on. - What?
They're friends a week ago. Now he's suddenly suing. He seems too angry...
Sorry.
I didn't appreciate that "Package Deal" number last night.
If you sing it again, I'll damn well have something to say about it.
John? I came as soon as I could.
What's wrong?
Is there a problem?
Well, yes.
A little one.
And I'd like to discuss it alone. As in the two of us.
If it's a problem, Mommy can help facilitate.
The problem is Mommy.
Notwithstanding all of the benefits with respect to facilitating intimacy.
I really don't need or want an emotional chaperon. I'm a big boy.
You're a big girl.
And I think we can navigate this terrain without Mommy.
Can she think about this?
Fine.
You're in the auction?
My heart beats philanthropy.
What's going on?
That bitch Nelle thinks she can raise more money than me.
- You think she can? - That's a tough one.
In my experience blonds are more expensive...
...but they don't have your warmth.
She had me try it on. A bra.
- It was for the face, was it not? - Yes. But...
Was there anything sexual about the bra or its purpose?
No, but...
It was about isolating facial muscles to prevent wrinkles.
It's still a bra.
You've remained friendly with Ms. Vassal, have you not?
Yes.
You've even had dinner together.
- Have you not? - Yes.
- What changed? - Since last year?
- You left on good terms. MARK: You had dinner.
- And now? - When you have...
LARRY: Obvious animosity. - Towards her.
I'm not comfortable with you teaming up to form a single question.
- My mistake. - I apologize.
We both do.
You're trying to rattle me. I'm thrown when two people talk.
It's this inner ear thing, which she told you. Nice.
- Daniel. - Objection.
What happened? One minute you're friends. The next, you're suing her.
I was traumatized by one of her little inventions.
LARRY: Which one? - The Vi-Bra.
I can't even look at another woman's breasts without experiencing vertigo.
The Vi-Bra?
What is the Vi-Bra?
It's a device deliberately designed to titillate.
It was the last straw. I left when she showed that one.
I thought maybe I could just get by it, but I can't. I just can't.
- This is not why he quit. - How does it vibrate?
Well, I hold a wireless remote and I control it.
- All right. Show us. - Okay. It has multiple features.
I can make them go up and down, together or in opposite directions.
Side to side, same thing, together or opposite.
Rolling, where they go round and round.
I got that idea from those massage chairs.
Soft vibrate, where they just kind of shimmy.
That feels kind of cool for me.
Nipple projection. In and out, varying degrees.
And then, augmented.
Sometimes you're in company where you want to be bigger.
Sometimes not.
You invented that?
There are a few wrinkles still.
Cell phones.
Okay, the bid is $2500. Who'll make it 25?
I will.
AUCTIONEER: $3000 in the back. We're looking for $3250. $3250 over here!
How about $3500? Come on, $3500. Look at how lovely she is.
Don't want to pass this opportunity. $3500!
That girl is way overpriced.
- She does look pretty good. AUCTIONEER: $4500! Thank you.
- Can we go? - We're here to bid on Richard.
- He's afraid that he won't get bid on. - How high can we go?
Up to a thousand.
AUCTIONEER: Now we'll look for an even $4000. The gentleman right there.
Looking for $4500. You, sir.
How about $5500? Down over here. Now we want a nice even six.
$6000 back to you again, sir. Thank you.
We have a bid of $6000. That bid of $6000 is going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $6000 to the lucky gentlemen in blue.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
John?
Lynnie. Hello.
- May I sit? - Certainly.
Obviously, Kimmie has some rather severe social issues.
She's very intelligent but, what can I say...
...she needs to have her mother there to...
She's in therapy. And one day, she'll hopefully feel the autonomy...
...to allow her to have a relationship without the...
I guess I'm here right now...
...because I sense something different in you, John.
You seem to see the beauty of my daughter beneath her eccentricities.
I'm here to beg your continued tolerance, if not indulgence.
I realize that even the best of people come with their little quirks.
But I don't see how anyone could carry on a relationship...
...under these circumstances.
Well, I guess you couldn't.
Until you try.
Couldn't we get together tonight and try and talk it out?
She can come to talk it out.
Either she will choose to trust me, or not.
Okay. I'll tell her.
Next, another lawyer. Senior partner in his own firm.
Please welcome Richard Fish.
- Richard! - Whoo!
We'll start the bidding on Mr. Fish at just $500.
There's $500 in the back. Now, $ 750.
$ 750 down in the front here.
Now an even thousand. We got a thousand in the back.
Looking for $ 1 250. We got $ 1 250. Now $ 1500.
We got $ 1500. Now $2000. We got $2000 over here.
- Looking... $3000 over here! - I think he wants you to bid.
- I'm only authorized to a thousand. AUCTIONEER: We're looking for five.
- He's trying to authorize more. AUCTIONEER: Looking for 55. Got it!
Who's gonna make it 65? We got 65 right here!
Anybody want to make further bids? $6500 going once.
$6500 going twice.
Sold for $6500 to the gentleman.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah!
Next up, please welcome Ling Woo.
Or should I say, "Wow!"
We are going to open the bidding at $5000.
I've got $5000 over here! $6000! $ 7000!
$8000, $9000, $ 10,000. We're looking for 1 2, 13, 14.
We've got $ 15,000. Sixteen, 17, 18, 19.
Looking for 20. Who'll make it 20? $20,000!
$21,000, looking for 22.
You can sit anywhere you like. Is there a required time limit thing?
- For what? - Our date.
Is this it? A trip to your office?
I'm busy. I can talk for five minutes to make it official.
Are you serious?
You really expect me to date a man who bids on women at auctions?
If I'm willing to date a woman who allows herself to be bought...
That was for charity.
- Yes. And you seem like a real giver. - Hey! What do you know? Time's up.
Guess it flies when you're having fun.
Let's see if you can fly, Superman. I'll open a window.
Funny. It's a testament to your unlikability that I didn't laugh.
- Do you not know where the door is? - You said you'd open the window.
Here.
I'll give you a nice hug and a peck on the lips.
You'll get your $6000 worth.
It was fun. Don't call me.
Look...
...I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm really sorry.
Good.
Sorry about what?
I have a few therapist friends that... I really didn't realize.
- Realize what? - You have an intimacy disorder.
I thought it was just hostility. But the rigidity of your body.
I do not have an intimacy disorder.
It's okay, Nelle. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
- I'm not ashamed of anything! - You shouldn't be. You're beautiful.
- I can be plenty intimate, buster. - Okay.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
- Lf you ever want to talk about it... - I don't need...
How's that?
Wow.
That was amazing, actually.
But, intimacy isn't about giving. It's receiving.
Well, kiss me, then.
- Go ahead. - I'm not going to.
- Put your mouth to your diagnosis. - Look.
Kiss me.
Well, okay.
Um...
Wow.
So.
Date's over?
We've been here three hours.
Is that bad?
I only bought one date. I hate to think that this has been it.
It's almost over.
- Are you dying? - What?
I don't know what made me say that.
I just got this rush that I would never see you again.
Well, I certainly hope you're not psychic.
This is very unusual for me.
What is?
To blow off work.
To have feelings.
I mean...
...primal feelings.
I'm not sure I like having them.
If you were never to see me again...
...how would you want to spend the evening?
Why do you say that?
Oh, I don't know.
I've always said you should live life like there's no tomorrow.
And I suppose I never have.
If there were no tomorrow...
- You did what? - And I wanted to do more.
- Ling, can you believe it? - No.
It's not like me to ever feel...
...hot. I mean, I might even enjoy...
...you know. - Sex?
I don't understand it. I don't even know him.
He's a rich doctor. What else is there to know?
Ling? You gotta help me.
- What? - Paul, the man who bought me?
He chooses where we go on our date. He chose the bar.
That's nice. We'll be there to rescue you.
- But I'll be seen with a man! - I'm going to the bar with my date.
- Lf not to a hotel room. - Hello? I need some help.
Paul says he has a special feeling about me.
- Are you falling in love? - Forget it.
Should I wear a different dress?
- What if she's not at our exact table? - No! She can't be there at all.
John, my problem borders on a disorder.
Have you never been with a man?
Of course not. I'm chaste.
Is your acute sense of morality...
...a convenient way of dealing with your intimacy problems?
Perhaps.
Well, it's time to take the leap.
Will you catch me?
I'll try.
Elaine? Larry and I both think we should make an offer.
Peanut's agreed to come in tomorrow.
We can settle it within the policy.
Oh. Okay.
- Mark, is everything okay? - Fine.
- Will I see you later? - Oh. Sure.
- What's going on? - Excuse me?
- Why are you so cold? - I'm not.
If you have a problem, say it.
Don't make me be the one with the stones. We know you hate that.
Okay. My problem.
That's my problem, along with the cherry-flavored underwear.
Why?
I enjoy promiscuity less when it's coming from the girl I'm dating.
This is me. You either choose to date me or not.
But this is who I am.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Cell phone!
- You two are dating? - We were.
- Since when? - Since last week.
But all good things must end, I guess.
Hi, stranger.
Ah, oh, ah...
Ally, right?
Funny.
I've been, um...
...missing you. - On purpose.
Funny, again.
Sorry to interrupt. Hello, Mr. Larry.
I'm going on a date without my mother, which has left me fraught.
Could you go with me tonight to the bar as kind of a surrogate?
A surrogate mother?
Of course you can invite Mr. Larry. The truth is, you give me balance.
Um...
Kimmie...
You wouldn't have to do anything. Your presence would bolster...
- We'll be there. - Oh, thank you.
When I'm here, I feel as if I walked in halfway through the movie.
I'll get you up to speed.
You're just too good to be true
Can 't take my eyes off of you
- I can't believe I've known you only... - Ten hours and 13 minutes.
- You counted the minutes? - I sort of have to.
Why?
I have a long story.
A dance is part of the date, Richard.
- A fast dance, maybe. But... - No, no, no. See, I paid $6500.
You seem really swell, but I'm homophobic.
I have a note from the doctor. Tell him.
Oh, this is a fast one.
Night and day and night Day and night
You're just too good to be true
Thank you for being so understanding, John.
Is it difficult being without her?
Well, I'm coping.
Well, I'm glad. Because the other...
Mommy's over there, Kimmie.
Did you know?
You doing okay?
Fine.
- Just thinking? - Yeah.
I'm still not allowed to ask you what about?
I may not be psychic, Greg, but I can see something's wrong.
Well, I'm afraid you are psychic.
That rush you got earlier that you would never see me again?
I'm not dying.
But tomorrow, I do go away.
Forever.
What are you talking about?
Ever read about that doctor convicted of euthanizing his ALS patient?
I get formally sentenced tomorrow in court.
And begin serving a life term.
Murder?
Well, that's why he looked so familiar.
I'd seen his face in the news.
He gets sentenced today.
And he spent his last day of freedom with you?
- I mean, doesn't he have family? - He does.
He said he wanted to spend his last day anonymously, not as a victim.
Are you okay?
Me? Sure.
Hey, it's not as if I loved the guy. I only knew him a day.
Sometimes you can love somebody in a day.
Well, I guess you could still visit him.
Nah.
No. He...
He doesn't want that.
I'm fine. It's just...
Funny, huh?
Hysterical.
Elaine.
Everyone's in the conference room.
- What about you? - I'll be in soon.
- Mark. - Richard.
- John. - Richard.
- Oh, here. Here he is. - John.
I didn't know.
Chastity is a virtue I prioritize far less than honesty, Kimmie.
I just needed her to be in the room. I'm sorry.
It's hard to make a relationship work under any circumstances these days.
But, I find it impossible to make one work under these.
If I could just have one more chance.
It's not about chances. You're not ready.
You need to get some more work done before...
So that's it, then?
You're just dismissing me?
Without prejudice.
Come on, Mommy.
Something wasn't right. I couldn't figure out what.
You leave on good terms and stay friends with her.
Then suddenly a week ago you become angry, you sue.
- What happened, Daniel? - I object to the informality.
Please address my client as Peanut.
Mr. Robin.
- You found out she was seeing him. - What are you talking about?
I detect an undercurrent of emotion in this case.
It's not about the nickname.
Do you love Elaine?
No.
- Do you like her? - I'm not comfortable with that.
Daniel.
Please, talk to me.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be singled out...
...as the one male you don't want to be with?
And you walk around, throwing yourself at...
With me, it's just...
- It's just insulting, that's all. - I offered to have sex all the time.
Yeah, as a joke. Wasn't it a fun joke?
And then dress me up in the face bra? How fun!
You treated me like I was a pet.
Daniel.
It seems that I'm perceived as this promiscuous woman who...
It's more about...
I do things for attention.
I do things to get noticed.
Are you suing to be noticed?
It just seems like everybody's your type, Elaine. But me.
And it hurts.
LAWYER: And I'll remind the court just one last time:
This was a mission of mercy.
Dr. Barrett acted to spare a patient intense suffering.
The only reason we're all here...
...is because he didn't play games with some Kevorkian machine...
...that would have allowed us all to wink and circumvent the law.
Thank you.
JUDGE: I understand that, counsel.
But by not allowing us to wink, he has left me with no choice.
Dr. Barrett, would you stand, please?
As the judge who sat on your trial...
...I must say I have a deep admiration for you.
And compassion...
...though I doubt it would rise up to the level of yours.
But pursuant to the statute, I must nevertheless sentence you...
...to a life term.
I do so now, to be served at Cedar Junction.
God bless you.
Bailiff, take him into custody.
Don't cry, Mom. It's okay.
It's all right, Dad.
The Peanut loves Elaine?
It seems so. We settled it, anyway. Richard's happy.
And how did you figure this out?
- I just did. - Wow.
You seem to be really intuitive about what's going on with other people.
Look, Ally.
I know you're probably wondering...
...why things maybe haven't accelerated as fast as maybe...
You know, last week, I opened up to you more than I ever...
That was exhilarating. And a little scary. And it's...
Scared you.
Well, I'm not afraid of this. I'm really, really excited.
If you only knew how...
I'm doing a lousy job of explaining it.
No, you're not.
You...
...want to take it really slow because you want it to be right.
Well, slow doesn't bother me, Larry.
You and me, we're gonna get there, and we should just enjoy the ride.
- How about tonight we...? - How about I cook you dinner?
That'd be great.
One date with a gay man and you're already going down under desks?
Cindy.
Ow.
Hi. How's it going?
Fine, Richard.
- So how'd you know about my...? - Slow dance?
I orchestrated it.
That's why I'm here. I've come to apologize. It was cruel of me.
You orchestrated it?
I knew your firm was involved in the auction, and I figured you'd be...
So I sent some guys to bid on you.
- And paid $6500? - That's how much your homophobia hurt.
Anyway, it was cruel of me...
...and today I feel foolish.
- Paul wasn't really gay? He was... - No, he's gay.
Oh, well, no biggie. He seemed nice.
Good dancer.
Look, again, I'm sorry. It was childish.
But at least it was for a good cause, anyway.
Cindy.
Mark.
How's...? You know.
- How's it hanging? - Going. How's it going?
Fine.
- You? - Oh, fine. Fine.
That's great.
What brings you here?
I just had some business with Richard.
- You seeing anybody? - No.
- You? - Well, a little.
Great.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
Listen, about what I said...
It's okay. I'm over it.
You want to grab some dinner tonight?
- I try not to date men on the rebound. - What are you talking about?
I think you know what I'm talking about.
You stinker!
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