ALLY: Previously on Ally McBeal:
- I have a son. - Why didn't you tell me this before?
Because I'm ashamed.
- Where is he? - He's in Detroit...
...with his mother.
- I thought I'd surprise you. - You're from out of town?
Detroit.
- So you must be... - Sam's mom.
Ah, yeah.
- Murder? - She drove over her boyfriend.
What's the defense?
She has Tourette's.
Splat.
John, she likes you. Do you like her?
- With her syndrome and perhaps mine... - Poop!
[STUTTERS]
...that would be a very dangerous combination.
- I think she gets you. - I know I come with a few quirks.
I'd love to go out with you.
I still love you.
I know you still love me.
- She wants to be a family. - What'd you say?
I agreed.
If there's any way we can work it out, we should.
I didn't think there was any way...
...since I'm so totally in love with somebody else.
You're not nervous. If I were getting married, puke city.
Not that Ling wouldn't make an excellent wife. You're quiet.
- Well... - Whoo!
LING: Tourette's is so cool.
It'd be so great to just annoy people. You whoop and twitch.
Any other good ones?
Sex.
Did you say "sex"?
The hyperactivity involved can be released through either tics or sex.
I'm planning on relieving myself later.
We've picked up on each other's tics.
Anyway, Ling, I'm sorry, whose friend are you, Randy or Lisa's?
I'm Lisa's friend now. I'm a bridesmaid.
But I used to be engaged to Randy.
You were saying about sex?
It's an issue, John. What if she whoops during?
Is it you or the Tourette's?
You gotta know what's making her scream.
Randy, you seem awfully quiet.
Of course, you're getting married. You sure she's the one?
Because, honestly, I don't see it. How are things with you and Ling?
Tepid, I hope.
Thoughts? Anybody?
The floor is open.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Ex-files
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
- You don't like it. - No, no, no, I...
- What? - Well, it's just, you know...
Several birds might try to nest on it at the same time.
They could fight, die, and nature could suffer.
Yes. That's the first question I posed.
Hats like this, they eventually bear fruit.
You're very funny.
My first brim job.
WOMAN: Hey.
Hey, Larry. Ally.
Hey, Jamie.
I'm sorry to barge in, but, Larry, can I talk to you?
Oh. Oh, well, yeah. Because, well I... I have...
- I was just... I have... - Work?
I gotta go to work. It's...
- Tuesday. - All-day Tuesday grind. I'll be...
- Going? - Yeah. Out the door.
- See ya. - Later.
Yep.
What's up?
Well...
...I've decided to move to Canada. Be near my family in Parry Sound.
Since I'm taking Sam out of the States, I need you to sign off on it.
Canada?
It's a country.
- Why is she back? - I don't know. I left.
Did you have to leave, or did you run out?
I had to leave. She wanted to have a moment.
You know, Renee, despite my many character flaws...
...jealousy is not one of them.
I worked with Georgia, who was married to the first ass I sniffed.
- Now, I am actually... - You're feeling jealous.
With this woman, yes. I don't know why.
One could argue that she's the last one I should be jealous of.
If there's something between them, they'd work it out.
But she oozes something that makes me crazy.
- Open up. - Excuse me?
Your mouth. Open.
Bite down.
If you trust him, then just let it be.
If you start acting all nuts, you'll do more damage that way.
Tough it out through what you feel. Everything will be okay.
- You were so out of line. - I was making conversation.
You talked to me about having sex with Melanie.
Have you?
Never mind. I don't even know her well enough yet for you...
- She brought it up. - As a joke, damn it.
That doesn't license you to... With Randy, you talk about wanting to puke.
- He looked green. - Unacceptable.
- Look... - I'll see you when I get back.
Back from where?
Melanie wants me to watch her class. She's reading from her new book.
- What if she...? - Unacceptable.
Fine! Next time, you make the conversation.
Should've picked up the check.
I just came from the bridal shop. My dress is perfect.
It's really so, so gorgeous.
I'm thrilled.
You came all this way to give me good news?
- Well... - What's wrong?
I don't know how to say this without sounding insane.
You know how I always said that I'm fine with your history with Randy?
- Yes. - Well, that's a lie.
I'm a little threatened by...
I'm concerned that, deep down, you're still the one he loves.
What?
I saw you two look at each other, and something just hit me.
Lisa, Randy and I were seven years ago.
I lay in bed awake all night thinking, "My God, I'm his second choice."
Okay.
This is what we call pre-wedding-day panic.
How did you two end, exactly?
- Neither one of you has ever told me. - Sweetie, I dumped him.
- And did it break his heart? - Well, I do that sort of thing.
I'm sure he's mended.
It's another country. People talk funny in Canada.
Forget drugs and guns, people up there are into hockey.
That's clever.
- What are the schools like? - You never asked that in Detroit.
- I don't want my son raised in Canada. - Why not?
It's bad enough he's in Detroit!
What's there?
His grandparents. His cousins.
On your side.
He's had no connection to your side. He's barely had one to you.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
Look, Larry, it'd be better there for...
I could get him out of the city.
It'd be better for me. This is...
Detroit's on the border of Canada, anyway.
You're just having an emotional reaction.
Don't say that like I'm not entitled. You want my kid out of the country.
Allow me to react with emotion.
If being closer to him is an issue, why the hell aren't you in Detroit?
No. That one I'm not sorry for.
It's the question that goes unsaid. They have courts there and law firms...
From my perspective I see only one reason you have for living in Boston.
Are you in love with her?
Yes.
- Is this about getting me back? - No.
No.
It's about...
It's about giving Sam a sense of family.
A sense he doesn't have at the moment.
"It wasn't so bad having two heads.
The head called Sally could eat ice cream...
...while the head called Sara could eat cake.
Sally could read while Sara could watch TV.
And best of all, they could always keep each other company.
Problem was, while Sally was good...
...Sara was sometimes very, very bad.
One day during naptime...
...Sara wasn't really asleep.
She had one eye opened, and she saw Sally asleep.
And Sara picked up a sharp pencil and raised it."
Whoo!
Oh.
Sorry, just carry on.
"And she brought the pencil closer...
...and closer to Sally, who laid there sleeping, unaware.
And then Sara smiled..."
And she stabbed Sally in the throat!
MELANIE: Hey, hey, hey!
That is not what happened.
Come here, you little chitlins. Nobody got stabbed. Come sit.
Ms. West, may I speak to you ever so briefly?
Well, I am in the middle of class.
This will only take a minute.
Sir, would you mind monitoring the class until Ms. West returns?
- Well, I... - Thank you.
- Ms. West! - I'll be back.
- Children frighten me. - Oh, just tell them a story.
Hello.
Well, let's see here.
Once upon a time...
...there was a train that went chugging down the track.
Choo-choo.
[NOSE WHISTLES]
Okay, that was not the train.
Pkip, pkip, pkip...
It was from the Bronx.
- Why did it do that? - What?
"Pkip, pkip."
I never heard of a train doing that.
- Well, it's... - You're a boring little man.
- I'm not boring. - Yes, you are.
I'm meek. There's a difference.
Why are you meek? It's not attractive.
Well, I...
Well, when I was a child, I misbehaved.
What you probably don't know yet...
...is that when children misbehave, there's a tradition in this country.
Their parents go into their rooms at night and snip off their toes.
I don't know why it's a big secret...
...kept from all children.
Especially those with the big mouths.
They always get their toes hacked off.
Mine were chopped.
It rendered me meek.
Usually happens on the 6th birthday. Snip, snip, snip.
Not so boring now, am I, you little snot?
- John. - Yes?
Melanie, they're all yours.
Lucy seems upset.
- We have to go. - Is class...?
I was just fired.
To be discharged for a disability is flat-out against the law.
It's a crime...
- It's not a crime. - Well, it's illegal, it's prohibited.
I'm not comfortable with them rushing to allege...
Wig!
My client has Tourette's. It's why she was fired.
- We're dealing with a despicable act. - She wasn't fired for her Tourette's.
I'm not comfortable with the personal attack.
Why was she fired?
She was discharged because she frightens the kids.
The stories she writes are scary. She startles them.
And she ran over the school's director.
- She was acquitted. - She ran him over.
- No intent was found. ATTORNEY: No consolation to a child:
"She runs over people but doesn't mean it."
I object to the sarcasm.
He does have a point. One of the functions of your client's job...
Hair Club.
[STUTTERING]
- Frank Sinatra. - Frank Sinatra?
I apologize. I stutter.
To correct it, I focus on phonetically preemptive sounds. Poughkeepsie's one.
It, being a town in New York, sometimes makes me...
...think of and say things relating to New York.
It triggered "New York, New York," which was sung by Frank Sinatra.
Perhaps you've heard of it.
[NOSE WHISTLES]
I have to say, I'm not comfortable with any of this.
Look, I can rule on this.
I would prefer not to, at least for now.
I would like the two parties to at least try to work something out.
Failing that, the matter falls into my...
- Hair! ...hair.
Hands. Adjourned.
Ling.
- Randy. - Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Sure.
- What's up? - Lisa's being very erratic.
I know she came and talked to you about something.
She's not sick or anything, is she?
Sick? No.
She's fine.
- She came in to talk about her dress. - You're lying.
- She's having second thoughts, right? - I think she's afraid you might be.
What?
She has this crazy notion that she isn't the girl of your dreams.
Is she?
Randy.
Guys don't always get the girl of their dreams, Ling.
A friend once told me that.
She thinks I still love you?
Do you?
I plan to take care of her, Ling. I love her...
...and I plan to make her very happy.
That's great.
Do you feel up to going back to your office?
Still feeling just as jealous?
And insecure?
Okay.
You stay right where you are then.
Have a fresh pencil.
The thing is, I'm meeting with a publisher next week.
My agent's already concerned about my arrest for murder.
If I'm to be an author...
...I have to be able to handle book tours and signings...
How does this affect that?
Well, I write children's books, John.
A reputation that I frighten 5-year-olds is not what I need.
If you were so concerned about your writing career...
...why were you willing to risk a life sentence only a week...?
- That was different. - Why?
[SQUEALS]
Oh, you faked that.
I know a fake squeal when I hear one.
Now, why this sudden future over your fervor?
[STUTTERS]
Why this fervor over your future?
Well...
I'm in a little bit more of an optimistic place than I was last week.
Suddenly life is full of...
Future.
Yeah.
I'll try to... I'll make this...
Discharge... I'll try to fix it, Melanie.
Thank you.
John?
Sorry. Mrs. Stiles and Mr. Milter are on their way up.
Thank you, Elaine.
You didn't come here to discuss it. You announced it as a fait accompli.
- I came for your consent. - Why didn't you call?
I didn't want to do it over the phone. It involves our son, damn it!
Look, maybe we should just let the lawyers handle it.
- Why not move to Boston? - Boston?
For the same reason Detroit isn't for you, Boston doesn't work for me.
- You've lived here. You know people. - Larry.
You could make a life here easier than I could there.
- There are problems here that... - You're making excuses.
- I'm not! - What problems?
You!
Look, Larry, who are we kidding?
I mean, we may not have been compatible living together.
But as we stand here, we continue to set records for how long we can be...
...alone together in a room without tearing each other's clothes off.
However much... And I know how wrong you are.
And however much you love this Ally, and I'm sure you do...
I don't want to have this talk.
No, let's just add it to the list of the great unspokens.
Here's the biggest unsaid thing of all:
For two people who have as much passion for each other as we have...
...and who have a son together...
...how can we not...? - Because we know it wouldn't work.
I can't do this again. That'd be one time too many.
Okay.
Just tell me that you know it's over.
I know it's over.
No.
- You'd think he would have called. - Yes, you would.
But, I could be wrong here, if he called...
...might he try you at your office?
- Oh. - Just a thought.
- Something is up, Renee. - Ally...
I have a radar about these things and I'm emotionally psychic...
...and something is up. What will I do if he loves her?
I do.
You're being...
You're the one who asked.
I've had it psychologically entombed. I love her.
I want to walk down the aisle.
I can't wonder for the rest of my life whether I had any chance with you.
Do I?
I enjoy nothing more than breaking up a happy couple, but Lisa's my friend.
I'm asking for the honesty you got from me:
Whether or not you think we could work out.
Do you have any interest?
I'd say "think it over," but I'm on a little bit of a clock here.
Could you see getting back with me?
No.
That sounded a little anemic.
Not a chance.
Was that clear enough?
Yeah.
Hey.
What about the wedding?
She's the next best thing.
And I love her very dearly.
And you're still invited.
Frankly, I think it's her stories that do the most damage.
The one about the two-headed girl...
It's about tolerance.
One of the heads seems to be evil.
Then there's the tale about the hippo who eats children and poops them.
That's the children's version of The Incredible Voyage.
I don't care. How enchanting can a journey be...
...when you get pooped through an animal's small intestine?
I'm not comfortable with the two parties having direct dialogue.
You have to admit to a slight bias.
Why should I be biased?
My client has a history of backing up over school directors.
Also, you only came to be the director because of her vehicular mishap.
- That's a compelling argument. - You know she's a good teacher.
- I'm not comfortable with that. - The children are afraid.
They call you Ms. Warm and Fuzzy?
There is no call for that.
I'm meeting with a publisher next week, so it's not the stories. Fat!
It's because of my tics and twitches.
I am not fat.
I'm not comfortable...
No, I'm not.
Oh, right. Play the squeal card.
You know, remarks like that make me see zeroes.
- Hey, Elaine. - Hey.
- Any calls? - No.
No? Not one single call?
One man wanted to know your long- distance service. Should I call him?
Are you sure the lines are working?
My phone rings.
Then why don't you go answer it?
- Bite my head off. - Don't tempt me.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Hello?
NELLE: Hi, sweetie.
Isn't it a relief to know it's working after all?
- Good arm. - Larry.
Hey.
What?
- You okay? - Yeah.
I am. I'm just...
Well, the truth is...
Well, I've been having this really weird vibe.
And it's not that I distrust you.
But I've been having this really weird vibe...
...that there was something between you and Jamie.
There was.
Oh.
I kissed her.
Oh.
How was that?
I started to kiss her, I should say. Because, you know, I couldn't.
There's no problem then.
I don't have a problem with the man I'm seeing kissing someone...
...if he breaks it off within five seconds.
- Ally... - No.
I am too old for games. And I am way beyond men...
Before you...
You expect some badge of honor because you came forward with it yourself?
If you'll let me speak...
I think you should leave.
No. I won't.
I have been down this road before, and I'm not...
- I really want you to go. - I think we should talk.
No. I can't.
I was walking by. I tripped. It's no biggie.
You better let love depart
I know it's so
And yet I know I can 't Get you out of my heart
"A heart will never be practical until it can be made unbreakable."
- Wizard of Oz-ism. - I feel so bad for her.
And I don't even like her.
You okay?
What?
I'm fine.
Oh, love
[PHONE RINGS]
ALLY ON MACHINE: Hi. Neither I nor Renee can come to the phone right now.
Please leave a message and we'll call you back.
Ally?
Can you pick up?
Please...
Hello?
Great.
What happened?
Oh, what happened?
I told her that you and I kissed.
What did you do that for?
I don't want to hide anything from her.
I want this one to work.
Because I am...
Please just leave. Could you do that?
Go to Canada.
Wow.
You really love this woman.
Yeah, I do.
Just because I'm sexually attracted to you, have a son with you...
You and I could never work.
- How do you know? - Because you're not...
...her.
I will always love you. You will always be in my life.
But she's it.
If it's now over between me and her, you don't want to be following her.
Because she's...
She's it.
I'll call about...
I'll think about Canada, and I'll call.
Okay.
MAN ON TV: This is the way you do it? Just show up?
WOMAN ON TV: You won 't answer my calls. You change your number.
I won 't be ignored, Dan.
Get him.
MAN ON TV: You don 't get it. You just... You don 't get it.
- It's time for work. - I'm sick.
I think you should talk to him.
Oh. Right.
I'm sure there's a good explanation.
She got bit by a rattlesnake, and he sucked the venom out of her tongue.
Ally, he did come to you. He was honest enough to...
He kissed her. This is early in our relationship.
When we get married, he's required by law to cheat.
You should see what the man has to say.
Give me one good reason why I should.
Well...
Because he's standing right there.
I wrote you a song. Is now not a good time?
I hope you came to return your key.
You know why I'm here.
- He loves you? - Yes.
He wants to get back together. He asked if I had any "interest."
- What did you say? - I told him Lisa's a close friend.
And I had no such interest.
Is that the truth?
MELANIE: Whoo!
Do you mind? Some of us have eardrums.
Repugnant.
- Ling, do you still like this guy? - No.
No, I'm with Richard now.
- I might. - What?
I didn't think so. I'm sure I don't. But Randy and I were pretty...
I mean, he's not Richard...
Richard has the depth of an ashtray.
He's got nothing to offer but money and sperm.
Which is maybe what this is all about.
With Richard, when you comparison-shop you see nothing but bargains.
Tell me about Randy.
We were engaged.
There's nothing more to tell.
He's wrong for a million reasons.
My real problem right now is, what do I tell Lisa?
You could try honesty. We've seen how well that worked for Larry.
- I don't know. - Ling?
Do you want to stop this for Lisa's sake or yours?
Sixteen-year-olds make absolutes.
I mean, what, he kissed somebody else, it's over?
- Life is more complicated... - I won't stoop to your maturity level.
- I'm not saying I was justified. - Well, that is a wise choice.
You have to understand my situation...
I don't have to understand anything.
And understanding is a very long way from excusing it.
Jamie is the mother of my son.
All I have to do to be with him is get back with her. For a second...
...I wanted to believe it could work. If I could...
God knows my life would be simpler.
- Then why don't you just do it? - Because I love you.
That makes it all better, doesn't it?
Did you hear what I just said?
I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
And I'm only at the beginning of loving you.
And you might think the smartest thing for you to do here is move on.
He's got an ex-wife, he's got a kid, he kissed somebody else. Move on.
Well, it's not smart, Ally. It's heart-stupid.
Because you love me too.
Love isn't always enough.
Yeah, it is.
You go without it long enough, and you realize it's everything.
- She's a goblin. - Is that what you think, Lucy?
She makes funny sounds. She barks.
She gives us bad dreams, and she bites.
- She bites? - She looks like she does.
ATTORNEY: This is the problem:
As wonderful as Melanie West may be as a person, as a teacher...
...if she even slightly scares the children...
Your Honor, may I?
Go right ahead.
Lucy?
- Are you afraid of me? - Yes.
Can you tell me why?
I'm afraid you'll cut my toes off.
Are you afraid of Judge Kopesky?
- A little. - Why is that?
Well, I think he killed an animal to make his hair.
All right.
Lucy, you can go back to your parents.
The teacher's job is to promote a safe environment for the children.
None of us can feel comfortable...
The teacher and a school's job is to promote a prejudice-free environment.
This woman was fired because she squeals and twitches.
Those are symptoms of a disability, and...
- I'm not comfortable... JOHN: The court...
...can see. I'm not comfortable with a school that can see...
...a gifted teacher, a woman who exudes magic, if you will...
...and see fit to discharge her for the benefit of the children.
I know her, and I will say this:
If those children's lives are enriched a fraction of how much mine...
It's a bad decision to fire this teacher, Your Honor.
Ms. West, we haven't heard from you.
What goes through your mind when you hear your students say they're afraid?
If any children consider me a monster, it comes from narrow-mindedness...
...which is a more dangerous and fundamental disability.
It is for the benefit of those children that I should be kept on.
JUDGE: Well, all I can really do here is make a gut call.
And I can't profess that I've always made a sound judgment.
Toup...!
The question that I ask is:
Would I be comfortable putting my child in your care?
And for whatever reason, I would.
The TRO is granted. The discharge is overturned. Adjourned.
Thank you.
The problem with putting it behind me...
...is that she will never be behind you.
She's the mother of your child, and she will forever be in your life.
Yes. As the mother of my child.
Look, Ally, I know it's complicated, but...
I've been debating if I should move to Detroit or Canada to be close to Sam.
But I don't have a choice.
Biggest part of me is here, and even if I moved away...
...the biggest part of me would still be here.
Me?
You.
I really did write you a song.
Lisa? Hi.
- What happened? - Excuse me?
I know he was here.
If you're feeling this insecure...
My insecurity's either justified or not. Tell me.
Oh, my God.
He said he's never loved anybody...
...nor could he ever love anybody...
...more than he loves you.
- Did you...? - No.
I wasn't gonna, and I didn't need to.
I know that you're the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
So can we drop all this nonsense?
Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don 't apply
I long to see you in the night
Tough note there.
Be with you till morning light
VONDA: I remember clearly
How you looked the night we met
I recall your laughter And your smile
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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