ALLY: Previously on Ally McBeal:
- Will you marry me? - I don't believe in marriage.
- You had sex? - Yes.
He's jealous of her old boyfriend.
The issue is, you asked Melanie to marry you, she turned you down.
You could be the love of my life, and I'd still walk away from you.
Maybe before either of us get too hurt, it should be today.
That's what I'm gonna do
- They must be biblical. - Quiet!
Why did you have to decide
Hey, buddy.
Hello, Richard.
You sound like Eeyore.
Perhaps that's the essence of our friendship:
I sound like an ass, and you act like one.
Something you want?
Ling and I are estranged.
We're taking a little break from each other.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - It's that Jackson. She's tempted.
You worried?
There's nothing I can do, really.
I hope at the end of the day she looks at us and sees I have more money.
Yes.
What happened to us, buddy?
Our women are gone, we're working late while the associates are out living.
- It's time for a change. - What, you subpoenaed me?
Yes, I have. You've been subpoenaed to sunny California.
- I beg your pardon? - We're going on vacation.
- To California? - Not just California.
That mecca that's aberrant enough for you and superficial enough for me.
- You mean...? - I do. We're going to L.A.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
The Getaway
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
You're going to Los Angeles?
- Just a two-day R and R. - Los Angeles?
We're looking to broaden ourselves culturally. Am I right, John?
- Indeed. RICHARD: Ally...
...you're senior partner pro tem. - What?!
Seniority. Okay, then. Well, off we go. Biscuit?
No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!
You can't name me senior partner and rush out.
John said, "If you name Ally, be prepared to rush out of the room."
Beyond that, it's necessary.
We have a plane to catch. Okay, off we go.
Yeah.
RICHARD: We missed the flight. JOHN: We won't.
You'll be glad we have protection.
- Sun lotion is sun lotion. - No.
- Nobody needs SPF 100. - Hey, strong sun, no ozone.
[BABY CRIES]
Sorry. Colic. We're very sorry. Thank you.
Poor little guy.
Newborn in first class. Newborn. Thank you. Pardon me. Sorry.
- Thank you very much. - Tearful tot.
We ask that passengers do not bring food or drink into the cabin.
I do love your rust remover. Bloody mary when you get a chance?
Could you speed it up, pokey?
Revenge of the coach people.
Why do you parade them through first class? It's not right.
[BABY CRIES]
[CRYING STOPS]
Excellent. Off we go.
Hello.
Nervous flyer.
The rest of us are at ease with you blocking the exit windows.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Attention, please. Before we get started...
...how many are going to L.A. For pleasure?
A show of hands, please?
Bloody marys for them. Let's start the vacation now.
The rest of you are going on business?
Bloody marys for them. Why should they be punished?
- Maalox with a twist? - Sir.
A little soot there. One more thing and then I'll sit.
Many of you are concerned, a lot of planes going down lately.
Don't blame the airlines. It's a competitive market, they cut corners.
Young pilots are cheaper. You've seen ours, by the way? 25, tops.
Luckily, I'm a lawyer, as is my colleague, John Cage.
It's not too late to draft a will.
We brought a portable fax machine.
To fly these days without one, it's reckless. I don't need to tell you.
[FARTS]
- Oh, there you go. - I'm getting the pilot.
He's got a will, trust me. He checks it before every flight.
Bloody marys, we're waiting.
Yeah. Okay.
You're gonna have to speak up, John.
Okay, and what is he doing now?
Okay. Okay. All right.
Give me half an hour to do the research and then call me back.
Okay, great. Okay.
What's wrong?
The captain ordered Richard not to speak for the entire flight.
Excuse me?
Evidently a captain, while in flight, has authority to do almost anything...
...including stopping passengers' speaking.
- That's ridiculous. - No, it isn't. It's true.
- This is ridiculous. - Shh.
Never mind "shh," John. I should be allowed to speak.
[FARTS]
Did you hear that? I paid 1500 bucks to sit in the horn section.
I will call Ally again. She's researching this.
In the meantime, try not to be gross.
- I suppose that was my fault. - Richard...!
We have a stewardess with the charm of Lurch.
[FARTS]
That does it.
[BEEPING]
- You can't do that. - Go away.
The oxygen masks are for emergencies only.
I'm sitting next to John Philip Sousa.
I'll get the pilot again.
Don't disturb him on his first flight. He's anxious enough, trust me.
- I'm warning you. - Right. What are you gonna do?
- Do I need to hire California counsel? - I'll be permitted to represent you.
Don't they just beat you up and send you to Mexico?
Just the aliens.
- This is unacceptable. - Repugnant.
People vs. Richard Fish. Obstruction of justice, assault...
We waive reading of these charges. They're just so ridiculous.
They shouldn't be uttered.
My client was first given a mandate by an overzealous pilot...
...to stop speaking on a six-hour flight.
- He was upsetting the passengers. JOHN: He was doing no such thing.
I was there, you weren't.
My client, Mr. Fish, was merely engaging his fellow passengers...
...in a discussion of airline disasters.
Now, is there some rule you can't talk about that on a jet?
First class turned into a police state with this militant flight attendant.
He pulled down an oxygen mask.
After a large man who was encroaching into my client's seat...
...repeatedly expressed himself with flatulence.
It's hard enough these days with airlines...
...deliberately canceling flights, causing untoward delays...
...serving food with the life expectancy of cardboard.
More times than not, it is cardboard. It's hard enough.
They herd you on like cattle, flight attendants treat you like pigs...
All the while you're seated next to a hog...
...blasting sulfur all the way from New York to Mississippi.
Is it beyond reason to rebel...
...for three measly breaths of bacteria-free air?
We're here because he talked about crashes and pulled down oxygen masks?
The flight crew's description's a little more colorful, but yes.
Those are the main infractions.
I'm going to give you a break and dismiss this one.
If I could make a statement...
Absolutely not.
Case is dismissed.
[RANDY NEWMAN'S "I LOVE L.A." PLAYS]
RICHARD: We're off to a bumpy start, but we're in business now.
A little pool action, meet a couple of L.A. Girls, get a little L.A. Wattle.
Is that you, John? For a second, I thought you were Lenny Kravitz.
You think it's right for us to try to meet women?
I'm just going through a rather tough breakup.
I don't even know what you and Ling are going through.
I won't deny our pain, but didn't God make women to ease hardship of man?
Even if the hardship is in our shorts. Vulgarism. Say the motto.
"We're in L.A."
Oh, come on, what is it?
We're in L.A.
Come on. One more time, with feeling.
- We're in L.A. - There you go!
Yeah, brother!
[WILD CHERRY'S "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC" PLAYS]
- I'm already burning up out here. - Look cool. Move cool.
I don't think we'll do well.
- Must you be so negative? - I'm not.
- You are. - I am not.
You're complaining...
We don't maximize our potential by taking our clothes off.
Oh, my.
I think she looked at me.
JOHN: Where's she going? RICHARD: Where?
RICHARD: Coming in.
Look. Two empty lounge chairs next to her.
- She's alone. - Hurry up.
Act cool.
How you doing?
I'm fine, thank you.
How are you?
A little concerned, truth be told. Hot sun here.
I put the lotion on, but I couldn't reach the middle of my back.
Your friend couldn't help you with that?
I asked, but he's a little homophobic. You know, to each his own.
The sun sure feels hot though, huh?
- Would you like me to do your back? - Would you?
I feel funny. I don't...
My pool tote.
I don't even know you. Richard Fish.
Jane Wilco.
Pleasure.
So you're an actress?
Well, yeah, actually. You could tell that?
I get a feel for people. I got a pretty good take on you.
- You do? - You feel your life is on call.
Your agent could page you with an audition.
Your career could turn on whether you're ready to react fast enough.
- Well... - Jane, dreams work the same way.
They're suddenly there, ready to come true.
But only if you're ready to react and not fear them.
I got a suite upstairs I'd love to show you.
Are you willing to get in the same room as your dreams?
Okay.
That's excellent. John? Watch our stuff.
Oh! Oh.
Hello.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
I suppose it is.
My name's John.
Wow! Nice room!
Well, you know, you get what you pay for.
What are you doing?
It looks like you're dancing.
- A little Hustle action. - The Hustle?
- I know that. - You do?
- I'm a VH1 junkie. Where Are They Now? - Really?
I swear.
Jane? Hustle with me.
[VAN McCOY'S "THE HUSTLE" PLAYS]
You're kind of fun.
Hey, of course I am!
- Are you rich? - Loaded. It's yours. Make me happy.
- Freeze! - Get down on the floor!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What did I do? - On the floor!
You have the right to remain silent!
I know my rights. Just tell me what I'm arrested for.
Solicitation? Well, how?
Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down, Richard.
Richard, slow down, okay?
Okay.
Richard, you're speeding up again. Slow down. Okay.
All right. Take your cell.
I will track down John and...
Okay.
Under the prenup, because I had an affair...
...I forfeit all alimony and community property except 100,000.
Wait, even though he was also having an affair?
I'm afraid so.
It's not that I care that much about money.
I must admit to being quite used to having it.
I'm faced with losing my art studio.
And he set up my affair.
What do you mean, he set it up?
The man I had the affair with was hired by my husband.
That's probably the most humiliating of it all.
My adulterous lover...
...was only in it for the money.
- Your husband set up the... - To disqualify me...
...from alimony under the prenup.
- Excuse me, are you John Cage? - Yes.
Your friend needs you to call him on his cell.
Oh.
- She was a hooker? - Evidently she's a call girl.
The hotel was suspicious. They hired some P.I. S with the police.
- Did you fraternize her? - No!
We were just doing the Hustle. There was no exchange of money.
We didn't exchange fluids. It's the worst vacation.
- When is the arraignment? - Tomorrow. I have to sleep here.
All right, look, Richard, we'll deal with it.
I should have been suspicious when she willingly went to my room.
But I figured, this is L.A. You know, maybe girls do that here.
Oh, the worst vacation ever.
I thought he was my, you know, date.
I was told by my boss he'd find me at the pool, so...
So you are a prostitute?
No. I work for an escort service.
I go on dates for money, but I don't, you know.
The hotel filed some complaints about hookers hanging out at the pool.
Well, I am just an escort. I thought he was...
...a weird old guy who liked disco.
Oh, so you didn't even really like him?
- Well, actually, I kind of did. - Oh.
- But I wasn't about to sleep with him. - Your arraignment is tomorrow morning?
Yes.
Could you represent me?
Would you be willing to flip on your boss?
What does that mean?
They'll want to crack the service.
You give the name or names of who you work for, and they'll let you go.
But I'd lose my job.
- Jane, how old are you? - 22.
I'm going out on a limb and say you can do better than being a call girl.
I am not a call girl. I am an escort. There's a difference.
Without my agent paying for my headshots and my demos...
...I'm not going anywhere.
It's your agent sending you out on these escorts?
I've only been here six months, okay?
I have to start at the bottom.
If you tell the court there was no agreement for sex...
...no money... - There wasn't.
All right. All right, I'll represent you.
Do you believe he's innocent?
Oh, I believe they both are.
She's not a prostitute, and he didn't hire one.
Yeah, I think I can beat it.
Thank you for asking me out. I appreciate the company.
Thank you. I'm in a strange city, I don't know anybody.
My travel mate's in jail, so cheers.
Cheers.
You live here at the hotel?
No. No, no.
I'm moving into an apartment. It's being painted.
I've had to scale down a little.
You know, I don't know the history of your case...
...but that prenuptial, I think it can be challenged.
The language is pretty clear.
And, technically, I did cheat. I went to bed with a man.
Yeah, but while there may not be such a thing as civil entrapment...
...technically, it's only because nobody's ever tried it.
I'd be happy to take a whack at you.
[STUTTERS]
"Lt." Take a whack at it.
Are you a good lover?
[MIMICS STUTTER]
Lawyer?
Forgive me.
My sense of humor's a little naughty.
Are you a good lawyer?
I'm very good.
Well, then I'd...
...Iove for you to take a whack at it.
[NOSE WHISTLES]
I'm sorry.
First of all, there's no evidence that Ms. Wilco...
...was anything but an employee of a legitimate escort service.
Women are allowed to keep the company of men for a fee.
They were found almost naked.
They were in bathing suits.
- They were grinding. - It was the Hustle.
Would you stop twisting the facts?
- This man is a serial fact-twister. - Second.
Even if you could establish she was in an illegal enterprise...
You can't, but even if you could, there's no evidence of any deal.
Any exchange of money, any sex.
It was about to happen.
Mr. Fish said, "I'm loaded, and all my money is yours.
- Just make me happy." - That's evidence?
- That's how men propose marriage. - Was he?
Why were they tailing this woman?
Where's the informant? Where was the warrant?
Where is the evidence that any crime was committed?
I have to agree, Mr. Woople.
Mr. Fish, once again, you catch a break. As do you, Ms. Wilco.
The charges against both defendants are dismissed.
- Free at last. - Thank God.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
I wish I could pay you somehow.
- Do you know where Cindy Margolis is? - Excuse me?
- He wants to broaden himself. - Culturally.
Well, I can't help you there, but if you want something cultural...
[THE BEACH BOYS' "I GET AROUND" PLAYS]
It was all business, you going to my room?
Well, I thought you were funny.
Funny, amusing? Funny, laugh at me? Funny, strange?
All of the above.
- You really don't like the Hustle? - No, that I do like.
And it wasn't that I didn't like you.
I'm not about to go to a man's hotel room...
- Oh, unless you're paid. - Hey. Don't start.
I am an escort. I have never, ever had sex for money.
And never will.
You've got to leave this agent. Clearly he's not legitimate.
You can't get anywhere without a rep.
Yes, but one who's looking after your best interests.
This one doesn't, if he's sending you out as an escort.
I've signed papers. I'm exclusive to him for two years.
What if we get you out?
You're on vacation.
I'm working with another woman...
- Who? - You don't know her.
- I just want to know. - Pipe down.
Hey, guys?
If I get you out of your contract, will you Hustle with me again?
I'm not exchanging sex for any favor.
Well, I'm saying a dance.
I'd dance with you anyway. What about that?
MAN: It couldn't be more explicit.
She forfeits all rights to community property, save for $ 100,000.
- I read the agreement. - And the definition of infidelity?
"Any sexual contact." She slept with another man.
Your client had three affairs. One with a woman...
The prenup doesn't speak to his conduct. It refers only to hers.
Why are you doing this?
To bust your ass. But do I need a reason?
Not to be personal, but this is what's wrong with the practice of law.
It's not about justice or enforcing rights. It's baseless prosecutions.
It's attorneys going after what they think they can get...
...with no regard for law, nor spirit of contract.
We have an explicit legal agreement...
...which clearly lays out the rights of the parties.
You're threatening us with the big mighty bear of litigation...
...in the hopes that we'll roll over and give you something.
Unfortunately for you, you're in a den of conscience.
I may not be a man of fight, but I am one of principle.
I won't sacrifice the integrity of this profession...
...not to mention the process, in the name of expediency.
My next utterance carries no legal consequence...
...but I'm going to utter it just the same, when I say to you...
..."shame."
- May I respond? - Please.
Whatever the definition of infidelity in this document...
...there cannot be infidelity without the existence of fidelity itself.
You might concur the concept of fidelity is a bilateral equation.
Not only does it take two to tango, but also to trust.
And any such trust between our clients has long since been fractured...
...by his adulterous behavior with three women.
The last of which he was planning to marry after leaving my client.
Then he hires a man to get her to stumble, like Temptation Island.
This noble client of yours, as you sit so steeped in principle...
...actually employed a man to seduce his own wife for the sole purpose...
...and I mean "sole," as in the cruddy bottom of a gummy shoe...
...for the sole purpose of interfering with marital relations.
Well, that is unclean hands. Surely you know the term. It's a legal one.
One with unclean hands can't take advantage of a situation made by them.
I will vitiate that prenuptial contract.
I will break that agreement. If not with a judge, I'll go to a jury.
Consider that prospect, sir. I'd like your client to consider it.
The jurors will look at you, and her.
Who do you think they'll like more?
Let me conclude, before I walk out of here in all my "shame"...
...by saying one thing to you. I'll say it three times for emphasis:
I will get you. I will get you. I will get you.
Why, Mr. Attorney of Principle?
Because it's in my baseless little character.
Let's go, Cassandra.
Baby, come on
Don 't claim that love You never let me feel
I should've known
'Cause you brought nothing real
How you doing, old man? I don't want you to get culture shock.
This is just like Boston. Look at these girls.
And you know I'm outta love
They remind you of Boston?
Add 15 pounds and a mustache, I'd think I was home.
We can go someplace older to Hustle.
We can do the Hustle here.
Oh, really?
These kids will think it's new.
Leader leads, the follower follows. Fish-ism.
You, Tarzan.
We got something new, girls. Give us some space.
Watch and join in if you can.
- You have to make it happen. - Yes, sir.
Don 't you know
- You can 't handle me - No, no
I still can't get over what...
Are all the lawyers in Boston like you?
Are all the California lawyers like Mr. Bork?
What about yours? I'm surprised he didn't challenge that prenup.
I didn't consult an attorney, actually.
- You didn't? - John!
I did have an affair, however it came to happen.
How did it come to happen?
It was silly, really. I wasn't even attracted to the man.
He just seemed like a nice guy. Gentle.
And after what my husband had done to me with his infidelity...
...I was desperate to believe the world could still offer...
...a nice, gentle and honest man.
She hurt you, didn't she, this Melanie?
Oh, I...
Well, I love her, yeah.
Well.
I'm grateful to her for driving you to California.
I'm glad I got to meet you.
Would you dance with me, John?
I think there's a CD player.
Pretty cold back in Boston.
It'd be nice to get in one dance under the Los Angeles lights.
Sure.
["WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES" PLAYS]
Is this acceptable?
It's perfect.
I guess it can get pretty cold in Los Angeles too, can't it?
Sometimes.
The main thing to remember is nice, rhythmic breathing.
What about sharks?
Well, you're in the pool now, so you don't need to worry about that.
- I think John is feeling left out. - Why?
He has that body language. I know it.
- Your lips are blue, John. - The water was cold.
You'd think they'd heat it.
- But they're really blue. - My chill, it's usually to the bone.
I've been told I have very warm lips.
Sorry.
- My naughty sense of humor again. BORK: All right.
Against my better judgment and principle...
...my client is willing to pay $3,000,000, because he cares.
It's non-negotiable. The offer's good for today only.
My advice is, take it and run.
Is that the product of your judgment, or your time-tested scruples?
You want to test this, Mr. Cage?
How's your malpractice insurance?
I'll discuss this kindhearted offer with the client.
Certainly.
Three million dollars from 100,000?
It's a nice bump. If he's claiming a net worth of 1 2,000,000...
...my suspicion is it's closer to 15.
If we vitiate the prenup, which is possible...
...you could be entitled to up to 7,000,000.
That would mean an audit and litigation. I don't want that.
Three million lets me keep my art studio.
It's more than I need.
- In Los Angeles? - Just settle.
What I want you to do is to get up...
...walk out of the room in a rage, and just keep on walking.
Why?
I'll say you're offended by the low-ball. I think I can chip it up.
If I can't, I'll settle for the three. But just go on. Don't look back.
Frankie... Can I call you Frankie? I feel a brotherhood here.
This is yours. Here's the thing.
I don't want to stand up and thump my chest about the law.
Jane likes you. She says you've been good to her.
I have been. I get her jobs. I look out for her.
Sometimes the key to parenting is knowing when not to. Fish-ism.
What I'd like to do here is help Jane fly. Let her spread her wings.
It's time for her to move up. To go to a different agency.
One of those places that don't rent clients as escorts.
I say this for Jane and for you. But mainly, I say it for money.
Whatever she makes as a legitimate actress, 2% goes to you.
Think, CAA goes out, finds her jobs...
...big jobs, maybe. You get two percent.
Frankie, please?
It's time for me to be a real actress now.
I could've given you up to the police.
I never asked you to do anything illegal. Not ever.
I know that. And I appreciate it. Believe me.
Please?
Three percent. And...
...tickets to the Golden Globes. If you ever get nominated.
- Oh, she'll... - Wait. And...
...a hug to say thank you.
4.2 million? What did she say?
Well, I mean, she was thrilled.
John, are we workaholics?
A two-day vacation and we practice law.
At least you learned to scuba dive. You hogged the instructor.
[DOOR OPENS]
JANE: Knock, knock!
Jane? Hey, well, long time.
I just wanted to say goodbye again. And thank you again.
Oh, it's not, um...
It's a little scary being jobless at the moment...
...but I'll make it happen. Fish-ism.
I'll probably go finish packing.
I'll stay.
Can you stay one more day?
There's a party tonight. I'd like you to meet my friends.
- Please? - I can't.
I'd be afraid to stay one more day.
You're a sweet, funny man, Richard.
- What, funny strange, funny...? - All of the above.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too.
Could I take one picture of you before we go, naked?
If you want to see me naked, you're gonna have to stay a few more days.
You're an actress in Los Angeles...
...and I'm a lawyer in Boston.
I think the best thing for me to do now...
...is to get on that plane.
Can I walk you down to your car?
- Sure. - Okay.
Two days is not a vacation. You need to come back.
- Maybe I'll open a branch office. - Great idea.
John?
Richard and Jane, this is Cassandra Lewis.
Hello. Richard Wattle. You've got a little...
...soot. - Richard.
I brought you a little piece from my studio.
It's called Gentle Soul.
The artist is unknown.
It made me think of you.
It's beautiful.
- You're leaving? - Yeah.
The plane leaves in 40 minutes.
We've got to leave.
Excuse us.
Thank you for everything.
Oh, Cassandra, it was my pleasure.
Mainly for the hope.
Would you mind terribly if I gave you a kiss goodbye?
Oh, well, I suppose, if you must.
That's nice, isn't it?
Yeah. It is.
Will you at least keep in touch?
Next time, will you teach me how to surf?
That was fun, huh, buddy?
It was good to get away.
Indeed.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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