ALLY: Previously on Ally McBeal:
- Look at that. - What?
- The wrinkle. Was it there yesterday? - Here we go again.
RENEE: What's the big deal? - It's two years from 30.
I'm a year from 30.
I thought I'd make plans at the bar to celebrate your birthday.
I suppose you have a musical number?
Is this the big three-five?
No.
I'm 30.
You might hate the idea of being the object of a man's desires.
What you truly loathe is the idea that you might not be.
The question burning deep, deep, deep, down under the lip gloss is:
Has that day already arrived?
VOICE ON ALARM CLOCK: Hello? It's time to wake up. It's your birthday.
You're not stirring. You don 't want to waste a single minute. Tick-tick.
Don 't you ever want to have a baby? Your ovaries are shrinking!
Honey, your face is on borrowed time. Get up before your eggs dry up!
Now!
Oh...
...God.
- What's wrong? - It's time for my first face-lift.
Ally.
I'm not just saying it. I'm not just having one of my birthday reactions.
I really need it. Just...
...Iook at me.
You don't look a day over 40.
Kidding!
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Cloudy Skies, Chance of Parade
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
Okay, let's get started. First up...
- Where's Ally? - She called in "older."
- Excuse me. - Her birthday. She called in older.
Does that mean she's not coming in?
I thought we were having a party. How can we not celebrate?
She's a member of our family here.
You're entirely too happy. I want to meet this computer date.
Next up, Dale vs. Hobey. Whose is that? A patient suing a doctor?
- What are you doing? - Beg your pardon?
You said, "Next up." That's what I say.
You're not vested with that.
As a senior partner, if a staff meeting stalls...
...I'm behooved to move it along. I can exercise that prerogative.
You say, "Move along," but I say "First up. Next up. " Those are my sayings.
Well, fine. Forgive me. Move along.
Fine. Next up, Dale versus Hobey.
Patient suing doctor for a bad nose job.
The client'll be here at 11. John? Nelle? If you could jump in...
- I'm sorry. - What's the matter?
[STUTTERS]
I'm not... It's not a case I want to take on. Thank you.
It's malpractice. We've looked to get into this. I need you.
It's just I have a thing...
...about that. - About what?
Noses. Okay, I'm not proud of it.
I was traumatized once by a teacher with a big...
Caught me staring at his n...
Look, John, I need you and Nelle...
Could I be allowed to rest on occasion?
One of the perks of being a partner is getting associates to do the work...
...while partners go off and eat waffles! Move along! Next up...
...what have we got?
We're interviewing here?
- In the waiting room? - It's not...
It's where I was waiting.
- What about there? - The conference room.
- Where's your office? - This is it.
- The waiting room? - It's not.
- Where would my office be? - Lf you could...
The headhunter said "young, respected litigator looking for an associate."
How do I work without proper facilities? Where's the computer?
Where's the assistant? Where's the library? Where are the clients?
I would see clients if there were any waiting. I'm in the waiting room.
I don't think I can be a lawyer here.
That's too bad. In my mind I'd already hired you...
You did?
Mm-hm.
- Why? - Because I like you.
Now you're messing with me.
Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr. Larry Paul.
You're Sting.
Yes.
I'm Larry Paul.
What is this, to impress me?
Because I'm not.
I'm impressed with you, just not with him.
We'll be with you soon. Mind waiting? You're in the right room.
If you don't mind, I have a bit of a legal crisis.
Okay.
Okay. I'll open a file.
Last name?
From what I understand, you requested the surgeon enlarge your nose.
But not like this. This is too big. I'm disfig...
I apologize.
Why did you ask him to make it bigger?
I'm a female impersonator, Ms. Porter.
Over the years, Barbra Streisand's become my biggest character.
Many events hire me to do Barbra Streisand alone.
Anyway, the prosthetic nose I was using...
It distracted me in my performance...
...so I thought I'd have mine enlarged a little.
So you asked the surgeon to make you look like Streisand.
I asked him to make my nose a little bigger.
You see, I'm also an actor. And this...
I apologize.
I just came out of a relationship...
So you're suing your surgeon for...
Look at me. Do you really have to ask?
It was a concert. My client gave a concert to 17,000 people.
But his affection, Your Honor, was directed to one person.
My client's wife, seated in the second row.
WALSH: You allege Mr. Sting tried to break up your client's marriage?
ATTORNEY: That's exactly what we allege.
Her obsession has interfered horribly with their marital relations.
Oh, please.
I'm not confident you appreciate the severity of these allegations.
You can't hold a performer liable for his stage performance.
The defendant engaged in emotionally and sexually suggestive conduct.
My client's wife became enraptured, which threatens to break them up.
Mr. Sting knows he has this effect on women.
It's foreseeable his conduct could be counterproductive to a marriage.
To excuse his responsibility because he committed this action on a stage?
Well! None of us can be...
...comfortable with that.
I think it's ridiculous, but I won't kick a case out without discovery.
- Let's depose the parties, then. - Your Honor? You can't be serious.
Despite my perky nature, I am quite capable of being serious.
- My client's only here until tomorrow. - Then take the depositions today.
Adjourned.
Come on, you'll be late for work.
If it's my birthday, can't I let it be my day?
If you were celebrating, that would be great, but you're miserating.
You're not a pathetic, lonely, single, desperate woman...
...on the verge of spinsterhood, like last year.
You got a man.
All you ever wanted out of life:
To latch on to a husband and wear nice outfits.
This is your dream. It's coming true, so be happy.
Seriously, Ally.
Is something wrong?
Well, I guess something must be, but I just don't know what it is.
It's probably just the birthday blues. Go to work. I'm fine.
- You sure? - Yeah, sure.
You won't get out of going to the bar, though.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh.
- Can I call you Al? Do you prefer Mc? - It's Ally.
The guy obviously doesn't want to marry you.
- How do you know? - Did he ask you?
What makes you think I want to marry him?
You don't seem like the mistress type.
If you were moving in with a guy you have no intention to marry...
- I never said I had no intentions. - Are you a mistress?
No, I am not a mistress.
- Why live with a guy afraid... - How do you know...?
He didn't ask!
Oh, don't you even think of shooting me.
You're not real, okay? You don't scare me.
You want to shoot me, you go ahead. Go ahead, I dare you. Shoot. Shoot!
SURGEON: The nose he contracted for, and the nose we gave him.
Can I see that in profile?
With pleasure.
Okay. Could you turn, Harold?
[STUTTERS]
All right. It does look bigger on Harold.
We adhered strictly to the agreed-upon measurements: Three centimeters.
- He asked for Barbra Streisand. - You gave me Karl Malden.
- I didn't give you Karl Malden. - All right, all right.
- Keep it constructive. - Durante would've sent this back.
You said Streisand's the biggest part of your act. It's what you wanted.
Look, why can't we just redo it? Get a new nose job.
Yeah. Tell him.
The cartilage is...
...compromised now. Another surgery...
So he's stuck with that hooter? Uh, honker?
[JOHN STUTTERS]
Poop. Sorry, I just came out of a relationship.
What about this, doctor? Can you not reverse the damage?
Unfortunately, it'd be tough.
This is the nose he contracted for! I can show you the specs and plans.
Plans? We're not talking about a new kitchen. That'd be a smaller job.
- I'm offended. - All right.
This is good work. The septum's perfect. He has no problem breathing.
- Nor is this a ventilation issue. - No, it's an aesthetic one.
Aesthetically, that's exactly the nose he hired me to give him.
And this? This is about something else altogether, isn't it?
- No, it isn't. - I know the real reason.
- It's not about that. - Do they know?
When no one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
This isn't a duet.
You give me hope and consolation
And it's not hot.
You give me strength to carry on
And you're always there
It's not a duet.
It's not hot.
- When am I even supposed to sing? ... do
That's the wonder
The wonder of you
- Elaine. - It's your verse. Make it hot.
- I won't sing this. - It's for Ally.
And when you smile The world is brighter
You touch my hand And I'm a king
I don't care how many people were there. He sang directly to my wife.
- He knows it, she knows it, I know it. - Don't tell me what I know.
I'm not comfortable with you here. You're not party to these proceedings.
My love life's on trial. He wants me here. He can't say so in public.
- I don't even know you. - You know my heart! You sang to it!
We have one day to do this. We'll hear from Lewis.
- Then you'll get your chance. - Fine.
He sang to it.
What do you think Mr. Sting did, exactly?
He sang the song "We'll Be Together" and he looked straight at Melissa.
- He did. - Ma'am?
- He wooed her. - He wooed her?
With the song. He wooed her.
It's hard enough making a marriage work. Any marriage.
What hope does a man like me have with a rock star pursuing his wife?
- I didn't pursue your wife. - Don't lie, Stinger!
- "Stinger"? - Not comfortable.
You brought a tape deck?
Yes. To show you. My attorney thought you'd like a demonstration.
- I think we'd all like that. - Oh, my God.
- Never mind, Melissa. - Don't do this. I beg you.
Why don't you show us now, if you don't mind.
Of course.
- I'm not a professional, like him. - Understood.
It was like this.
He looked at her and he danced at her...
...like this.
[STING TURNS UP VOLUME]
Not the same. Trust me.
Am I wrong, Stinger?
I see me and you
And all the things you do
Keep turning round and round In my mind
The doctor's unwilling to settle.
His insurance company will probably pressure him.
- The cost of litigating... - I want an admission of liability.
- I don't think I can get that. - Then we won't settle.
What don't I know?
If we go to trial, I can't be surprised.
My boyfriend.
We broke up after the surgery.
- Because of how you looked? - It wasn't that exactly.
He has problems with my...
My being a performer.
- He wanted me to give up the act. - Why?
He thought I lived for the spotlight more than for him.
Well, is that true?
I love him very much, Ms. Porter.
But I am a performer.
So the surgery...
My boyfriend...
He regarded that as the final straw.
That I would alter my looks...
...for the sake of the act.
So he left.
Yes.
And...
You're blaming your heartache on the nose...
...and therefore the surgeon?
It's not the nose I wanted.
That's why I'm suing.
Okay.
I have to sing, Ms. Porter.
This is who I am.
Did you tell him that?
Hey, Ally.
Since when do you have a key to my apartment?
Jackson had copies made. Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Well, is that why you came by?
The thought of you sitting alone with your problems...
I thought I'd distract you.
- Get you to focus on one of mine. - Did the market take a tumble?
No. Nothing that profound. No, it's...
...it's Ling. I think I want her back.
I know she really represents chattel, but...
You love chattel.
- I can't get her to notice me. - Make her jealous.
- That's juvenile. - Works.
- How? - Shopping.
- Sorry? - The first thing a woman does...
...with a new boyfriend is redress him.
If you get new clothes, she'll think there's somebody else.
That was quick. I got a little time left for your problem.
Want to talk about it?
- No. - Excellent.
- You know what? - Bugger.
We're in our 30s and we always talk about getting on with our lives.
We're on with our lives. This is it.
You have friends. You have nice clothes. You have a man.
Maybe that's the problem.
I have always been driven by my want. Now, maybe the quest is...
You don't have children yet. Although, 31.
Tick-tick. Bygones. They're overrated.
I think I hate birthdays because my life's always been about tomorrow.
You know, the possibilities, I guess.
And the idea that life is now...
...it's horrible.
And the problem with "now" exactly is...?
Nothing. I don't know, I mean...
Now is great. I feel happy. I have my family. I have my job.
And like you say, I have nice outfits.
But I still feel alone.
Alone by myself, I can take.
But alone while happy with somebody else...?
Oh.
- I'm not unhappy to sing by myself. - Clearly.
Don't give me that. You know what your nickname is around here?
"The man in the mirror."
- Who calls me that? - It doesn't matter.
You're as vain as I am. We both love to hog the limelight. Who better...
...to steal it from than Ally on her birthday? I want to be hot.
If I sing that number, it won't be an Elvis Presley thing.
Because I don't do Elvis. I'm smooth. You got that?
If we do a number together, it's got to be smooth.
Fine. Smooth.
And hot.
A woman knows when she's being spoken to.
- You feel Mr. Sting spoke to you? - Yes, I do.
You separated from your husband...
...because you thought you and Mr. Sting could get together?
I separated from him for refusing to recognize Sting loved me that night.
Why's that important...?
Because it was an important night in my life.
One I need to believe in and I need my husband to believe in.
- Why? - Look...
...I love Lewis. Did I think Sting and I would get together? No.
But in those brief minutes...
...I guess I realized...
...a dream. One I never believed was available to me.
- I'm not clear. May I? - Of course.
So you didn't separate from Lewis...
...thinking you'd get together with Mr. Sting?
No!
But the key to happiness, any happiness...
...is allowing for...
It's nice to know that what's there for, I guess, the special people...
...is also there for me.
- I must say, I'm confused. - So am I.
You sell a lot of records singing about people like me.
People who insist on believing in love.
It's an act. He tours the world singing to the woman in the 2nd row.
The lady in the balcony.
I have no illusions about ending up with him, you dope.
But what happened that night wasn't an illusion, was it, Stinger?
You think my client was...
...actually, what's the word?
- Wooing! - Thank you, Lewis.
You thought Mr. Sting was...
...wooing you.
I'm not meant to get the leading man.
I know dreams don't likely come true for short Brighton housewives.
But, yes.
In that one moment, I felt he really did want to be with me.
And it was everything, I can tell you that.
I'm happy with you, Lewis. I love you.
To know that Sting wanted me...
...even if it were for only a fleeting second?
That's...
...that's something.
Okay. Just confront it.
Deal.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
I came back to check up on you. Obviously it wasn't necessary.
You don't go to lunch?
No. He didn't send flowers. All I got was a lousy abusive alarm clock.
You were diving across the floor to...
Oh, that. That stupid dancing baby is back.
I was just trying to kill it.
I'm fine, Renee.
It must be expensive. First thing Ling notices...
...about an outfit is the cost. - Gucci, 3rd floor.
What's going on down there?
RICHARD: Looks like a fashion show.
- It's Cindy Margolis. - Who?
Cindy Margolis, queen of the Internet. What's she doing here?
Apparently modeling some swimwear. And quite well.
- I gotta meet her. This is perfect. - Richard!
Ling knows I watch Cindy Margolis on cable.
She's even caught me appeasing myself sometimes after.
- Swell. Didn't realize. - It's perfect. I've got to meet her.
What are you gonna do?
I'll just let fate take its ugly little course.
$40,000?
He's willing to settle to avoid negative publicity.
HAROLD: Admission of liability?
All he'll say is that it was an unsatisfactory result.
He will not admit to negligence or wrongdoing.
Mr. Dale, we've reviewed the architectural drawings...
...the plans for your n...
Now, it complied to specs. It may have turned out a little bigger...
...but our advice would be to settle.
Excuse us a second.
Yes.
Listen.
My father always told me we should embrace our God-given looks.
- That must've been quite a challenge. - Why not embrace our man-given looks?
This is your nose now.
You're a performer. A man who can sing like Barbra Streisand.
Like you said, who else in the world can do that?
Take the $40,000, your new nose...
...and do what you love.
We can relax in style
Come on, stay a while
Oh, stay a little while
Just long enough
To take a little puff
- Doesn't that make you jealous? - With her? Please.
Well, what about me?
Come on, Ling.
We both slept with the guy. If I can deal, so can you.
You two slept together?
We had...
...dozed off one night...
...watching the news.
A little smoochier
And hoochie-coochier
Stay, buttercup Until the sun comes up
Just watching somebody perform...
...goes right to my veins.
- Well, why don't you sing one? - Me?
- We have connections here. - Oh, really?
Perhaps you could dedicate it to your new...
...life.
- And say you'll stay a while - Say you'll, say you'll
Say you'll stay
And say you'll stay a while
Stay a while
Stay a little longer.
Why aren't you at your party?
Well, it seems to be the year for skipping my party.
He said he'd be back after his deposition.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's gonna leave.
- What? Ally... - No. Christmas, holidays, birthdays.
He has this habit of sealing himself off on those occasions.
I think it's because...
...he's afraid of anything that smacks of tradition...
...or happy returns.
No, it's...
...it's because he doesn't trust it.
You're making too big a deal of this. I got Cindy Margolis downstairs.
I think she'll let me touch her. You can watch.
As hard as that is for me to resist...
You feel a little alone. Everybody's alone. But some people don't know it.
I guess that's my problem, because I know it.
Birthdays by nature are mood days.
Forget about being introspective or...
Birthdays should be a time to blow out candles, be with friends.
Just let it be a dance. Can you dance on your birthday?
I guess I could, Richard. It's just...
- Just what? - He hasn't asked me to.
You know, look. I know that it's no big deal. Really.
- What? - Because he's...
...he's gonna leave.
[KNOCKING]
- I was about to go to a deposition. - I know all about it.
I've got Cindy Margolis waiting.
- Who? - Here's a tip. You like tips.
They're on the surface, which you're happy to skim.
I get you. We're both emotional surfer boys.
People want to be with their loved ones on birthdays.
They feel pangs of loneliness when not with their loved ones.
I know this. I read about it. That's the tip. I'm making a point.
Perhaps sharp enough to puncture the surface you love to glide on.
Surf on your own time. This is Ally's day.
That's all I'm gonna say.
- I have an explanation. - She's alone. No excuse.
I will spend my whole life through...
... loving you
Loving you
Winter, summer, springtime too
You slept with her?
Ling, that was before we...
- You haven't slept with me. - The first night...
- We haven't re-slept together. - You won't let me. Anytime...
After you've been with that?
- Ling. - Don't talk to me.
Don't even look at me.
Don 't be blue
And isn't it true, Mr. Sting...
...that your performance is designed...
...to sexually engage the female demographic?
Not exactly. Occasionally, men have been turned on.
Why won't you admit what happened?
- Mr. Sting, I'll ask you directly. - Gee.
Sorry.
Did you want to...
...be with Melissa...
...that evening as you sang to her?
Yes.
- Did you understand the question? - I can't lie about it anymore.
- You with her? - It's not anything I acted on.
Nor could I in the future, Melissa. But yes. That night...
...when I sang that song...
...I allowed myself to dream.
I imagined myself in your arms...
...running away with you...
...making love with you.
- Sting? - I'm under oath, Larry.
Just one second, please, and we'll...
Do you mind telling me what that was about?
What would it cost to settle this thing right now? $50,000? $60,000?
It might. Yeah.
He's trying to give her a dream come true.
- That's noble. What's up with that? - Rock stars can't be noble?
Maybe they can, but they shouldn't hire lawyers to pull it off.
So you'd like me to settle?
Yes.
Thank you, Mr. Noble. I've sacrificed my own love life to do this case...
His girlfriend's birthday. Missed it.
Oh.
Okay. My client has admitted his infatuation...
...and, conditioned on total confidentiality, will agree...
...right here, right now, to pay your client $50,000, plus costs.
I'm...
I'm comfortable with that.
Let's draft and be done with it.
Told you.
I feel so inadequate.
Lewis, haven't I always told you what a vigorous lover you are?
You could've had Sting. How will you ever be happy with me?
I love you.
Lewis, he's a rock star. She didn't fall for anything real.
People have to be allowed their fantasies.
Did you remember? It's our anniversary Saturday.
Did I remember? I got Springsteen tickets.
Take her to a movie.
You'll be safe there.
I'll march my band now
I'll beat my drum
And if I'm fanned out
Your turn at bat, sir
At least I didn 't fake it Hat, sir
I guess I didn 't make it
Get ready for me, love 'Cause I'm a comer
I simply gotta march My heart's a drummer
Nobody No, nobody...
... is gonna rain on my...
... parade
- I'm glad I don't have to follow that! - You won't try, right?
He'll be here any second.
He wouldn't want to miss my birthday.
Look, it's getting late. So...
- You can't leave yet. - I'm tired, Renee.
He'll be here. It's only 10:30. He'll be here.
- That's Cindy Margolis. NELLE: Who?
- Internet queen. How'd he meet her? - Who's Cindy Margolis?
He's got a huge crush. He'd download her when I wouldn't put out.
Well, thank you all again. It was a great birthday.
Stay for one more drink? I'll sing again.
No, no, please. I really just want to go.
Can you all just let me go?
ALLY: Okay, what the hell is this? It gets dark?
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break Every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Happy birthday.
All right, now!
I'll be watching you
Oh, can 't you see?
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches...
... with every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
Hey, birthday girl, you want to...
...dance?
- I don't know. It makes me feel easy. - Well, I did bring Sting.
STING: I feel so cold And I long for your embrace
I keep crying...
... baby, baby, please
I'll be watching you
- I'll be watching you - Every step you take
- I'll be watching you - Every breath you take
I'll be watching you
- So you made a slight comeback. - Thank God.
Sting actually sang to me.
- So did I. Did you even notice? - Oh, you sang?
I noticed.
I'm sorry I missed most of your birthday.
- You halfway made up for it. - Halfway? A third, at best.
Oh. Oh, big talker tonight?
That's right.
I love you, Ally McBeal.
Happy birthday.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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[ENGLISH SDH]