ALLY: Previously on Ally McBeal:
Oh, don't you...
Don't you even think of shooting me.
Something wrong?
It must be, but I don't know what. Probably just the birthday blues.
- Time for change. - Subpoena me?
Yes, you've been subpoenaed to California.
- Pardon? - A two-day R and R.
- Los Angeles? - We look to broaden culturally.
Oh, my.
The head hunter said, "Litigator looking for an associate."
I can't be a lawyer here.
- In my mind I'd already hired you. - You did?
- Actress? - You can tell?
I get a feel.
- I got a take on you. - You do?
Willing to get in the same room as your dreams?
Why are you here?
Oh, it seems to be the year for skipping my party.
He said he'd be back?
He'll leave.
We're both emotional surfers. I'm making a point with my tip.
Maybe to puncture the surface you glide on.
Surf on your own time. This is Ally's day.
That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah.
- I have an explanation. - She's alone. No excuse.
DOCTOR: Numbers? NURSE 1: Pressure's dropping, 70/40.
NURSE 2: Losing blood. DOCTOR: Put her on bypass.
DOCTOR: Heparin in? All right, we're going on.
Clamps are off.
Come on. There we go. Full flow?
- Scissors. Pickups. NURSE 2: Rate is dropping.
Wait a minute.
Hold on a sec.
This heart's been broken.
It's been destroyed.
- Awful. - Terrible.
I can't fix that. Waste can.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Home Again
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
- It was a dream, Ally. - Dreams mean something.
Plus at dinner, something happened.
What do you mean?
Well, it was at one point so...
...romantic.
The waiter brings this cobbler. As I'm eating it...
...his face fell a little.
Either he doesn't like the way I chew...
...or something just happened.
CORETTA: It didn't happen? - The dessert was at the wrong table.
- What? - Yes.
A table where the man was breaking up with his girlfriend.
As wrong tables go, this was a good one.
So, now what?
Maybe it was an omen.
What omen? It was a stupid waiter.
You don't find omens in waiters.
Propose again, the old-fashioned way. The dessert was corny.
- It was your idea. - You're a corny couple.
Really. Ally and Larry?
That's the way couples like you do it. That or skydiving.
My chute's in the cleaner.
Just ask her straight out.
Look in her eyes and say:
"Let's do this for the rest of our lives."
Doesn't get more romantic. And no berry goo to get off the ring.
- You okay? - I'm a big believer in omens...
...and my track record...
There's no such thing as an omen.
- Hey, Larry. - Helena. Corretta?
Helena Fisher.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
She's my ex-wife.
Is she?
You free for lunch?
- No! - Sure.
You didn't have to fly here for some advice.
My wisdom in person is tough to take.
Plus, you seemed pretty upset.
Well, if these pictures get published...
- Again, how... - They were supposed to be...
Sometimes when you do love scenes they need to see how you photograph.
I was told it'd be good to...
Well, my roommate is an actress, and she did it too, so...
I don't know.
Maximum wants to publish them?
If my father sees pictures of me naked, Richard?
It says the photographer has the rights and is free to publish them.
I never read that. He said it was a standard release form.
My grandparents are all alive. One's weak. This would kill him.
Okay. May I see the pictures in question?
Oh, absolutely not.
If I'm gonna try to stop this, I need to know what I'm talking about.
- I've seen naked women before. - You've never seen me.
I'm your attorney on this. I'll view them as your attorney.
Well. First...
Oh, may I say, you have nothing to be ashamed of here.
- Richard! - Artful. They don't show George W...
- "George W."? - Never mind.
They are tasteful, Jane.
- My breasts show. If my father... - I'm...
...sees it...
- They'll be published? - Soon.
I'll schedule an immediate conjunction hearing.
I'll declare them unconstitutional.
Maybe we'll scare them with a threat of punitory damages.
I'll call my partner, John Cage.
See if there's anything I haven't thought of.
It's called an injunction, not conjunction.
You can't move to suppress. That's a criminal motion.
If you march into court threatening "punitory"...
...you've lost before you've begun.
You shouldn't practice law without adult supervision.
RICHARD: She sounded like she was in a panic.
She was in distress. Can I claim that?
Oh, yes, bring a punitory injunction for emotional distress.
It's a contract case, Richard. Did she sign it?
- Yes. Is that good? - No!
Don't yell. Give me some good law stuff.
Oh. Oh, my. Gotta go.
Richard. You are?
- Nicole. - My roommate.
Oh, the roommate. You also did naked photographs?
- Yeah. - Show up in a magazine?
- No. - Really? I mean, that's excellent.
All right. Jane?
I'm gonna schedule a meeting with their attorney.
Nicole, I'd like you to be there too.
If we don't get satisfaction, let's go to court.
You don't have to do this. I just wanted some guidance.
Well, I'm here, and when in L.A. Practice law. Right, Nicole?
- He's funny. - I told you.
- But he's old. - Shut up.
What?
[BARRY WHITE MUSIC PLAYS IN FAST FORWARD]
- What was that? - You saw that?
- Yeah. - I lost Barry...
...because I didn't access him a lot.
Because of the time, with my full days.
So I conjure him up at fast speeds. Did you want something?
No, no, I just...
I just came by to say hi.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
It's just probably one of those blue moods that I get.
- Specifically? - Work's been a little tedious.
- Specifically? - I'm tired.
- And? - He'll dump me.
- What? - He's been acting a little...
...differently, odd.
He took me out for this romantic date.
Sound the alarm.
Men do that to manufacture feelings they've lost.
And at the end of the night he was somber, like the plan didn't work.
I can feel that something's up. He just canceled lunch.
No, I feel that something is up.
Look, come on. I'm free for lunch.
First of all...
...you can't condemn marriage because of us.
Why not?
Afraid?
- Want a list? - I'll take a list.
That it's arbitrary. That it is temporary.
That it's never fiduciary. With kids, add that it be exemplary.
Something without "ary."
That you can't say anything without being corrected.
That's about me.
And that when a ring ends up in the wrong cobbler...
...somebody somewhere is trying to tell you something.
- Would you bring me whipped cream? - Sure.
You showing up, that's not an omen?
Not when you call me last night and ask me to come by.
Remember what you'd do to me when I'd get depressed?
Vaguely.
You'd say, "Hey, the whipped cream is right at the end of your nose."
Excellent. I feel better.
- I don't want ice cream. - Sugar high.
Larry brought me here.
They have amazing sundaes. You will make room.
- Okay. - We can split one.
How about pizza?
Hey, Larry.
Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Watching our cholesterol? - She's my ex-wife.
- Hey, John. - Hey.
Your ex-wife? Oh.
Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?
Uh, well, um...
- Nothing. - Nothing.
Nothing over ice cream. Great!
Maybe you can talk under it.
Are you done? Good.
Oh, this will warm you up.
WOMAN: Oh, man!
- Oh, one minute. - Take your time.
There we go. Okay. Come on, John.
Bye now.
- She seems nice. - She's a sweetheart.
LARRY: I hate goodbyes.
It'd be better if I skip ahead to the...
Okay.
Your dream where I left with a note? That'd be what I'd do.
- Larry... - I can't handle goodbyes.
Bear with me on this. Just know that I...
...Iove you and I'll be back.
Okay.
And I'll swing by on the way, real quick, and then...
I won't say goodbye, I'll...
- Leave a note. - Yeah.
- The ex-wife? - Yes.
- What were they doing? - They certainly weren't at odds.
Sorry to call. She won't let me in.
- Ally! ALLY: Just go away, please.
- Come on. Honey? Let me in. - No.
Going to work.
- You didn't talk to her? - I didn't have a chance.
You have to talk!
I plan to. But perhaps I'd do it without hot-fudge hair.
Nuts. I hate when they put nuts on it.
Another omen.
Oh, enough with the stupid omens!
It's good when a woman dumps ice cream on your head.
It means she loves you. I said not to lunch with your ex-wife.
Be grateful you didn't have soup.
Whipped cream on the nose? Sounds like you deserved it, fudgehead.
- Corretta... - Go talk to her.
Contract is a contract.
Except when it's not. Fishism. Can I call you Hank?
It isn't my name. It's Henson.
Why not call me by my last name? It's Line.
About as easy to remember as the requirements for a contract:
Agreement, consideration, and signature.
- All of which we have here. - She didn't know what she signed.
The very point of a signature is to presume intent of agreement.
Don't talk like I never went to school.
- Did you? - Off and on.
Take off your shirt.
- What? - Her roommate.
She posed for the same guy, same release.
Now, I ask you...
- Ask me what? - Lf she was never put in Maximum...
...what expectations did she have of being published?
She didn't know what she was signing.
Look at her.
This is your argument? Her friend wasn't put into Maximum...
Please, Mr. Line, my father will disown me.
Young lady, the reason these...
Please clothe yourself.
Photographers take pictures hoping that we pay for publishing rights.
- I didn't know. - Have a heart.
What was your school? "Have a heart"?
What school made you extinguish yours?
I have a conscience that will be tested when I bill my client for this.
Nice meeting you.
And, of course, you too, Nicole.
You make a big mountain out of the smallest molehill.
So he had dessert with her.
Coupled with feeling something's up...
...and that she dabbed his nose in sex cream.
- Whipped cream? - It was sexual. You saw it.
Couple that with his very strange behavior.
- Tripled. - What?
You can't couple three things. Ice cream, whipped cream...
...his behavior. That's three. It's tripled.
- Quadrupled with him canceling lunch. - Why not talk to him?
Why? So, what? So that he can lie and...
- He won't. - He cheated.
- He didn't cheat. - He canceled lunch to get creamed.
- Ally. - No, I don't trust him.
If I trusted him none of this would bother me.
- I think you need to talk to him. - Well, I did.
I called him 20 minutes ago.
Okay. How did it go?
Not well.
I broke up with him.
It wasn't your fault. I signed the contracts.
You did the best you could.
- Wasn't he good? - He was funny.
You know what? We need to hustle tonight.
You should see him.
I bet he's funny.
I'm a better business man than I am an attorney.
Others do the legal work. I get the money.
That sounds smart.
I have a motion scheduled. Let's take one last shot.
- Do I take my shirt off again? - We'll save that for appeal.
He's funny.
- Why did she dump you? - She thinks I lie!
- That's a man thing. - What?
All men lie and cheat. You take it personal?
Is this the counsel you give your clients?
Women are insecure about infidelity. Most of them have been cheated on.
Statistically, most husbands stray. Men don't like to lose control.
When two people are about to marry, those fears rise up.
That's what's going on here, and that's all.
She doesn't know anything about marriage.
Okay. True. Well...
I have an ex-girlfriend and I have an ex-wife I'm still close with.
These women, however much I failed, are in my life.
That's not gonna work for Ally. Not now.
Or probably ever.
Know what, Larry? You're sounding like a loser.
You'd be wrong. On relationships, I'm a two-time loser.
Maybe I'm afraid of strike three.
LARRY: Help you? ALLY: I'm looking for Tracy.
She moved to Foxborough.
Foxborough?
She didn't tell me that.
Are you Ally McBeal?
Yes, actually. How did you know that?
She took all her files except one.
Ally McBeal. Catchy theme song. I'm Larry Paul.
What are you doing?
Uh, oh, um...
Thinking.
I knew the first time I ever met him...
...that he would make or break me.
No man is capable of that.
You know that.
No, you're right.
Whenever you'd get like this, we'd always have ice cream.
But under the circumstances...
Under the circumstances I'm gonna go to work.
- Broke up? - That's the rumor.
How awful.
He never got over me.
- Over you? - We had a date.
Men want her if they can't have me.
Yes, I keep forgetting what fantasies you both are.
What?
Is she devastated? Is there anything I can do?
Just knowing you're there, Ling.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? What do you mean, going into court?
I got it all, John.
I've got an ear piece, and the mike fits on my lapel.
Well, don't be ridiculous, Richard.
I can't argue your case over the phone.
No, you don't. You feed me the arguments.
Just like that show. What was it?
Cyrano de Burger King. Whatever.
Get another lawyer.
Jane wants me. Just a motion.
You'll hear the lawyer, tell me what to say.
If I win I might get sex.
Is that right? Or am I overstating?
- You might. - Do you hear that?
We're a team.
- Richard. - Bad connection.
I'll call back.
Yeah, he loves the idea.
- What? - You really are so sweet.
Oh...
I wish I could pay you.
Are you kidding? Seeing those pictures was enough.
Yeah, well, if my father sees them...
When I said I was going to L.A., he said I'd end up compromising myself.
- Look... - The truth is...
...I shouldn't be here, Richard.
I'm not a good actress. Not yet.
I should be doing theater in Ohio, getting more training.
I'm sure you're an excellent actress.
Are all Boston men as sweet as you?
No. I would be unique.
- We should go to court. - Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
WOMAN: Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Ally, something's wrong. - No, I am just calling to say hi.
- Sure? - Everything's fine.
Larry is... He's fine. Everything is... No, how is Daddy?
- Ally, something's wrong. - No! No.
Okay, maybe I'm a little tired, but I was really just thinking of you.
I was! No, why does there have to be something wrong?
This is why kids don't call. They get the third degree.
Next time I'll write.
Ally...
- He here? - Conference room.
- How's he doing? - They broke up.
Corretta, could you go out for coffee? Give me a minute?
Sure. Maybe I can bring you back some ice cream.
You're ready to propose, now you two are not right for each other?
- That's right. - You have to recognize how...
I don't need you charging in with your two cents.
Perhaps then you shouldn't have called for my two cents.
Lesson learned. Thanks...
You go from marriage to busting up?
- That's A to B? - Yes.
Isn't that a bit crazy?
Yes, it's crazy, it's insane.
The idea of me proposing was insane.
And it's in these acts of insanity you get vivid hits of clarity.
The sanest people are on the brink of nut-hood.
And I had my ticket stub to the rubber room.
Six pockets in the table that mark the difference...
...between a gentleman and a bum!
It starts with B, which rhymes with P, and that rhymes with me and that...
It's not her, it's me.
Okay.
It's you.
Given that you're on the precipice of clarity with your ticket stub...
...how's life so far without her?
- What are you doing? - I'm about to argue a motion.
- Here? - In California.
It's a long story. So if you'd please excuse...
How can you argue...
3217, Wilco versus Maximum Publishing.
Richard Fish for Jane Wilco. We seek an order to prohibit the defendant...
...from exploiting pictures.
Nothing unlawful here. We have a contract.
Permit me to finish, Mr. Line.
Any contract presumes a meeting of minds.
My client had no idea what she was signing.
We require signatures...
To create a presumed agreement. But it's rebuttable.
I have my client's declaration to refute that.
She understood what she signed there but not here?
Who is this putz?
- Who is this putz? - Richard!
- Bygones. LINE: The reason for...
...signed contracts is to avoid this debate.
What did the party intend?
RICHARD: A good point. Let me think.
Can you nose whistle? Buy me time.
Your Honor, Martin Luther King once said, "I have a dream."
He climbed a mountain with Lincoln.
And Teddy Roosevelt had a big stick.
- Oh, balls. - What relevance does that have?
Absolutely none. About as much relevance as...
...counsel's repeated references to contract law.
We don't have a standard contract, this should be decided...
...on a case-by-case basis. Consider the merits of this case.
We have a magazine up against Jane Wilco...
WOMAN: Hi. - Who are you?
- Who am I?
WOMAN: I'm naked right now. What are you wearing?
- Could you get off? - Don 't you like girls?
Fond of naked women, I assure you.
But, hello? Earth to John, hello?
We've been cut off. Oh, my God, he's on his own.
Mr. Fish, are you all right?
Well...
I'm a little lost, truth be told.
Like I said, I'm fond of naked...
...women, but it should be her right as to whether she gets naked.
Jane Wilco did not agree to a magazine publication.
But Mr. Fish, there is a contract here.
When you park your car in a garage...
...you get a ticket with legal language and disclaimers.
At a ball game, there's liability stuff on the stub.
There's legal language everywhere. That doesn't mean it's understood.
The Constitution grants us inalienable rights here.
- Are you a real lawyer? - Why do you ask?
Why should that matter?
Why should it? A lawyer should know what a contract is.
He should know that a signed contract creates vested rights.
To hear you speak, I'd think you're a layperson who didn't know better.
- Exactly, Your Honor. - Exactly?
Jane Wilco is simply a layperson who didn't know any better.
Maximum had legal counsel. Jane didn't.
The contract is drafted so the layperson can't get it.
The tenant contract law is based on is fairness.
Simple fairness.
Her life will be compromised by the publication of the photos.
How fair is that?
It was just ice cream with Helena. Nothing more. It should go...
...without saying, but clearly it doesn't.
It might've gone without saying...
...if you hadn't canceled lunch, or if you had told me...
...why you were canceling and who for.
Well, the subject matter was you.
The subject was me?
Well, what does she know about me, Larry?
I've never met her.
Well, the subject was ostensibly about you.
But I guess I needed to talk about me.
And?
I don't really trust myself.
Look, I failed as a father, I failed as a husband.
I'd be lying if I said I understood what makes me fail.
The biggest lie of all...
...would be to say I'd never fail again.
He's probably just going through something.
No, he seemed erratic, Renee.
He didn't seem himself.
Well, if he's emotionally...
- He's gone. - He's not gone.
He leaves notes.
- Sorry? - He can't deal with goodbyes...
...so he leaves notes.
I'm gonna get a note.
- Hey, lady! - "Hey, lady," yourself.
- Mom? - I was on my way to you.
Why?
When everything is that fine, a mother worries.
What's wrong, honey?
I agree, Mr. Line.
The reason for contracts is to presume the party's intent.
But she wasn't represented by counsel...
...and Mr. Fish makes a good point here.
This contract is legalese, not meant to be understood by a layperson.
Given the potential for damage, I'm not holding her to it.
Contract voided. TRO is granted.
Richard?
Great. My winning streak extended to one.
- How can I ever thank you? - Sex?
You're no better actor than me.
You didn't fly here and do this for sex.
You're kind and sweet.
So sex is out?
Tonight we're gonna hustle.
- I'm on the 2:00. - You just got here.
That's me. In and out, like sex.
You can't just leave. You did that last time.
Jane, last time it was wise for me to leave. This time it's necessary.
Ally, you just broke up yesterday.
Let a little time pass before declaring it final.
It just feels so final.
- Have you decided? - We're not eating, thanks.
- Something to drink? - No drinks either.
We're here for the ambience.
I feel so embarrassed.
Why? For loving somebody?
I don't know.
I saw myself pushing a baby carriage down the street today.
And I thought, well, okay, sometimes I just crave what...
Remember when I'd stand in front of the mirror and recite Gloria Steinem?
I used to do that to distract myself because Billy didn't call me.
"Sex and race, because they're easy differences...
...have been the way of organizing human beings into groups."
I've believed in those words all my life. So now I feel really...
...embarrassed that I'm so incomplete.
Wanting family makes you a lesser person?
Not that you've made a habit of accepting any wisdom from me...
Family's everything.
It's where the strong live, and it's where they love.
I'm not sure I can live without him.
You're the toughest person I've ever met.
I hope things work out with Larry. I really do like him.
Even your father does. But if they don't...
...you'll go on.
That I know.
If you're not going to eat, we need the table.
I'll give you the table. Would you like a chair to start with?
Why don't you take the redeye?
- I could teach you to surf. - Really? No.
Why are you such a tease?
You promised next time you'd stay longer.
What's that look? Are you mentally undressing me? Here are the pictures.
- Were you serious about the theater? - Why?
Because Boston has theater.
- What are you saying? - I'd give you a job in my firm.
That way you could support yourself while taking acting classes.
I'm not about to move in with you.
I'm not asking you to move in with me.
I'm saying Boston's a good theater town. And you know somebody there.
- Ally? Larry Paul... - You know...
Elaine, I don't want to hear his name. And if he calls, I'm not here.
Not now, and not ever.
Well, he just came by to see you.
Oh.
Well, what did he say he wanted?
He dropped off a note.
- Don't you want to open it? - No, I know what it says.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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[ENGLISH SDH]