Damn. What you got going on today, girl?
Oh, nothing. I'm just, uh... you know,
- working in the studio. - Well, I'd like to stay
and get to know you better, but I got to get to work.
Get out of here, perv. That's for Montana.
- Oh. - She's just here
going through some of my old paintings
to see if anything's worth including in my next show.
You know, not every boss
wants to sleep with their assistant.
Besides, she's straight. I tried.
Sure you're not still trying?
Montana, this is my roommate Liza.
Oh, hi. So nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you too, Montana.
- Bye. - Bye.
Why don't you sit down, take a break.
I made us some delicious avocado toast.
Oh, thank you,
- but I'm actually gluten free. - Oh.
Of course you are.
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
Marketing research I did on influencers.
I'm not sure that's going to come up today, but thank you.
Morning, everyone. I'd like to jump right in, if we could.
Oh, I have some news. But it can wait.
Invitations went out for Bonfire,
the top-secret Achilles retreat
for leaders in publishing.
Regrettably, Empirical did not get invited.
But...
Millennial did.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
- What? - See for yourself.
Oh, my God.
This is huge.
Rod Stewart sat next to me at Sushi Nakazawa last night.
What does it mean?
I assume it means he lives in the Village.
No, I mean, is this something
that we need to prepare for?
You have been asked to be
on the "Future of Publishing" panel,
so prepare some thoughts for that.
Otherwise, have a good time.
Moving on. Congratulations.
Kelsey, Diana.
Can I see you both in my office?
- Is something wrong? - It's about Liza.
What do you two think
about giving Liza a promotion?
What would that look like for me?
I don't plan on
leaving you without an assistant, but...
I think she could handle
more responsibility with Millennial.
Actually, I think that Millennial could use someone a step above Liza.
We are... growing really fast.
Well, in my opinion,
Liza is up to the task...
but I'm open to exploring other options.
Make a reservation.
We need to have lunch.
- Thank you. - That's enough for her.
This is nice.
What's the occasion?
Liza, we have a heavy afternoon,
so I'll cut to the chase.
I know that Kelsey stole your boyfriend.
She absolutely did not.
But she's living with him.
Yes, they are roommates.
But Kelsey hasn't done anything wrong.
Then... you must have.
Whatever, it doesn't matter. Just fix it.
Kelsey is in a position now to make decisions,
and I would hate to see you let personal drama
get in the way of... a promising career.
Of course. You're right.
If you care to talk about it, I'm a pretty good listener.
Well, the truth is...
the reason Josh and I ended
had absolutely nothing to do with Kelsey...
Shh! Richard's ex-wife just walked in.
- What? - Don't, don't...
How do you know?
Because I Facebook stalk her. Is that what you want to hear?
Her name is Winnie.
She also happens to be a therapist.
Her best friend Cindy lives in Nyack.
Uh... well, we can leave if you...
Don't be ridiculous. We are not in high school.
Hi.
Thank you.
Should I introduce myself to her?
No, I don't think so.
- I feel like I know her. - You don't.
- Diana. - No, I'm fine.
Hello, Winnie?
- I'm Diana Trout. - I'm sorry, do I know you?
No, no, but we have a...
mutual acquaintance. Richard Caldwell?
How do you know Richard?
We're dating.
You're Richard's new girlfriend?
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, you seem very nice.
Hi. We'll take these to go.
- Hey. - Hey.
I found a bunch of stats on publishing trends.
"Wall Street Journal" did an article.
So did "Publisher's Weekly."
I thought those might be useful for the panel.
Yeah, what I really need is for you
to book a rental car from the Burlington airport.
I'll send you a PDF of my driver's license...
I'm assuming you don't want to be in the system.
No, it's okay. I figured out
all the ID tricks a while ago.
Of course you did.
- Hey, you sick of me already? - Uh-huh.
No.
- I got invited to Bonfire. - Oh?
¿Qué es Bonfire?
That internet company, Achilles,
sponsors this invite-only conference
for people in publishing to network.
Mm-hmm. Sounds like an excuse
- to hook up. - Oh, yeah, that too.
I need to go on a little retreat.
I'm telling ya...
Mm. Hello, beautiful strangers.
- Tinder? - What?
Do you have a better suggestion here?
- No. - All right.
I fully support you.
Aww, thanks.
Hey, I found some camping gear
that some old girlfriends left behind.
I thought you could use it for your adventure in the woods.
Uh, thanks, but I think this is going
to be more like "glamping" than camping.
What's this?
Oh, it's a bunch of stuff that Josh left.
I feel like I should get it back to him.
Well, you only take stuff back
if you're looking for an excuse to see him.
Are you?
No.
Well, then it's yours.
You should see my pile.
A hot/cold canteen is a little less valuable
than his vintage leather jacket.
- Not to Gretchen. - Really? This says "Lani."
Lani's someone that Gretchen dated before...
Jeez, I'm a lesbian archive.
Yeah, I don't want this bedroom to turn into
- a Josh museum. - You know what?
I'll get his stuff back to him.
You don't have to be involved.
Done.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Liza Miller and Kelsey Peters. - Wonderful.
We have you both in cabin 12.
Oh, what's the Wi-Fi code?
There's no Wi-Fi in the Achilles Forest.
It's a chance to unplug,
so people can actually talk to each other.
- That's nice. - You're kidding me.
We do have a counselor on-site if you experience withdrawal.
This map will show you how to get to your cabin.
Would you like two keys?
- No. - Definitely.
Can I get another map?
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Bonfire.
Wow, is that Boomer?
He doesn't actually come anymore.
He just beams in.
I'm honored to be in the presence
of some of the greatest minds
in the publishing industry.
I hope you all came here ready to give
and open to receive.
Boomer's a little creepy, am I right?
Said the woman who's talking to herself.
If there's anything you need,
don't hesitate to ask your Boomer Bots.
Panels begin in the morning, so... have fun tonight.
- To you! - To you.
Did you have fun last night?
I did.
Good. We have that panel in a couple of hours.
I know, Liza.
What?
Nothing.
No. What is it, Liza?
Nothing. No big deal.
Yeah. I was out all night.
I slept with a stranger. I drank too much.
I have no problem being honest about who I am.
So go ahead, don't hold back. Say what you were gonna say.
Your tit's out.
- You feeling okay? - Mm-hmm.
Great.
Good morning, and welcome to
"The Future of Publishing" panel.
My first question is for Millennial.
What was your most innovative marketing campaign
of the past year?
Well, we did an Instagram campaign,
with influencers posting "shelfies."
That was quite successful.
- "Shelfies"? - People posting photos
of their bookshelves, because they want you to see
- what they're reading. - Or at least pretending to.
Is there a book this year you wish
you'd gotten to publish, but didn't?
Absolutely. Colin McNichol's "The Algonquins"
could've been a huge hit
if they published with Millennial,
but instead, they went with some big,
mainstream publishing house that fumbled the ball.
Perhaps that's why no one
from the aforementioned publishing house
is here at Bonfire.
Oh, excuse me.
Ah... Liza Miller?
- Right? - Uh, yeah.
Hi. Jay Mallick.
I'm with Macmillan. I saw the panel.
Millennial's killing it.
Yeah, Kelsey's doing an amazing job.
Mm-hmm, well... she's not doing it alone.
- Well, it is her baby. - Right.
And that's why I wanted to talk to you.
Look, Macmillan is launching its own Gen-Y imprint,
and we are looking for someone to head it up.
I don't mean to be too forward, but would you be interested?
Me?
Okay, that was entirely too forward.
I'm sorry. Um, let me just back up.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure. A drink sounds
- much more manageable. - Oh, look, there's a bar.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
- Thanks for coming. - Yeah.
How's it going? All right?
Good. Thanks for bringing my stuff.
Yeah.
- That's not mine, though. - No, no, no.
That's a gift. There's a couple of flares
in there, a pair of women's long johns...
- Canteen? - Yeah, knock yourself out.
- Thanks. - Here you go.
Thank you.
- Hey. - Hey.
Can I get you something?
You get the friends-of-Maggie discount.
Mm. Yeah, I'll take an Americano.
- Okay. - Thanks.
Damn.
I see why you wanted to get coffee here.
Yeah, she works for me part time.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- She's hot. - If you like straight girls
with sexy hair.
That's kind of my thing.
I'm sorry how it went down with Liza.
Yeah.
You mean how I caught her cheating on me?
Yeah. She messed up.
But it wasn't that night.
It was the night that she met you at that bar
and thought it was just gonna be fun.
I mean, you were way more than she bargained for.
Well, she definitely taught me a lot...
like if someone tells you they're a liar...
you should believe them.
Yeah, well, I'm exactly the same age
that I told you that I was,
so I hope we can still be friends.
What are you talking about? You never mentioned anything
- about your age. - Yeah, let's keep it that way.
All right.
Okay, okay...
Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, and Virginia Woolf.
Go.
That is tough. All right.
Virginia would not be happy either way, so...
- She's gone. - Mm.
And... I guess I am
gonna marry Charlotte and give it to Jane.
- Nice. - Yeah?
- Hey. - Hi.
- Excuse me. - Okay, uh...
You've been talking to that guy for over an hour.
- Move on. - I've talked to other people.
I talked to that independent publisher from Indiana.
- The nun? - Her name's Sister Angela.
She's got a really great story.
We got invited to Bonfire because we're millennials,
and our brand is young and fun. So I'm gonna need you
to be a little more on-brand, okay?
Keep up.
Move.
- You're my 7:00? - Hi.
I just thought since we work in the same neighborhood...
and we have similar tastes in...
- Men? - Restaurants...
we might bump into each other from time to time,
so I wanted to come in and clear the air about something.
I'm listening.
When I told you I was dating Richard,
why did you laugh?
You weren't what I was expecting.
How so?
When Richard left me
after 18 years of marriage,
he said he wanted to recapture his youth.
According to him, that meant buying a truck,
which is impractical in the city, and...
dating models.
- Oh. - So you can see why I laughed.
Thank you for clearing that up.
That'll be $300.
And I don't take insurance.
Some big, mainstream publishing house
- just fumbled the ball! - Hmm.
- Right, Liza? - Right, mm-hmm.
- Oh! - I'm gonna cut myself off.
I've had four... already.
I'm feeling a little "whoo-whoo."
I've had six.
And he has had six, and Hat...
has had, like, seven or eight.
- Glass, please? - All right,
maybe I just need something to eat.
Okay, maybe not.
As I was saying...
Some big, mainstream company fumbled it!
Ah...
Uh... hey.
Hey. Where's your glass?
- I'm done. - What... we're having
- a great time. - I barfed, Kelsey.
- Well, boot and rally. - No, boot and go home.
What is the problem, Liza? Isn't this part of the fun?
You get to relive your glory years.
You get to pretend to be 27 again.
When I was 27, I was married with a kid.
I was boring.
This is the drunkest I've been in my entire life.
I love my job,
and I think I'm pretty good at it.
And if that isn't good enough for you,
then maybe this isn't working.
Maybe it's not.
You can't... that's crazy, right?
- You get... - I'm interested.
I'll call you.
Oh, my God, there's barf in here.
Hey.
Can, uh... can I still get a drink, or...
We close in two minutes, so can you drink fast?
Well, is there any other place around here
that stays open any later?
Yeah, I'm sure there are a lot...
Lot of places.
Yeah.
Will you be at any of them?
We can, uh...
- we can skip the tour, right? - Yeah.
I almost finished an entire "New Yorker" article
while you were in there.
Is everything okay?
I met your ex-wife.
Winnie?
Is there more than one, Richard?
No, uh...
- What happened? - I introduced myself,
and she proceeded to laugh in my face.
Ah, well, she was probably
just flight-testing some new meds.
She said it was because when you left,
you did so to pursue the fantasy of dating...
models.
I said a lot of ridiculous things
when I left her.
But then again,
I did end up meeting someone beautiful...
Inside and out.
I only care about out.
If I didn't know your real age already,
I would today.
I don't feel like talking.
Ah! My God, we finally have service.
What's going on?
- I'm sorry, it's my daughter... - _
_
- What? - She's in the hospital.
Come on, answer, answer.
It's Caitlin... holla at your girl.
Caitlin, it's your mom. I'm on my way, okay?
- Hey, what's going on? - I think her appendix burst.
Oh, my God.
- Here. - Hey.
I just spoke to Rose, Caitlin's roommate.
- She's out of surgery. - Is she okay?
I don't know.
I think so. She's gonna call me
- when she wakes up. - So what happened?
Well, apparently,
she didn't go to the doctor when she first started
having pain, because she was afraid
she wouldn't have enough money for the deductible.
God, I have been feeling like a shitty person lately,
and now I feel like a really shitty mom.
No, Liza, there's nothing that you could've done.
She got sick.
I could've answered the phone
and told her to go to the doctor,
but I was in the woods getting drunk.
What about her dad?
He's not the one you contact when you have a crisis.
It's me. It's always been me.
I'm really sorry.
I wish there was something I could do.
Oh, my God, it's her.
- Caitlin, hey. - Hi, Mom.
Hey, hi! You okay?
I've been better.
Ah, I am so sorry I didn't get your call.
It's okay. Are you coming?
I am on my way. I promise.
And, honey, just so you know, when it comes to your health,
money is not an issue.
I am so, so sorry you had to go through this.
Hey. Liza went hard at Bonfire,
so I told her to take the day off.
Oh, thanks so much for thinking of me.
You would've been so proud of her...
she partied with all the right people.
Oh. I'm surprised.
My bet was on you for being queen of camp.
Hey, Charles?
Good morning.
You were right. Liza definitely deserves
that promotion.
What do you think about bumping her title up
to "associate editor"?
Yeah, that's great, but she...
- also needs a raise. - Ah.
You can take it out of my salary if you need to.
I could not do this job without her.
That won't be necessary. I'll find the money.
She was lucky she got to the hospital when she did.
Yeah, they had to irrigate my abdomen, Maggie.
Ooh, that should keep you out of classes for at least a week.
Oh, yeah.
- How are you holding up? - I am so lucky she had Rose.
- A good roommate is key. - Absolutely.
Hey, did you happen to get Josh's stuff back?
Uh...
I did.
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