1
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,131
Hey, Bud, it's me.
2
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,201
- How are you doing with that shirt?
- Coming right up, sir.
3
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:55,726
My ass is freezing here.
4
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,167
I got six nipples you can hang mugs on.
5
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,285
I'm seconds away, sir.
6
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,887
Kryten, I'm on B Deck,
and it doesn't appear
7
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,564
to have been mopped
in at least two days.
8
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,005
I can hardly see my face in it.
9
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:10,406
A blessing some would say.
10
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,766
I'm on it right now, sir.
11
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,408
Kryten, when you get a chance,
can you grab us a beer?
12
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,601
Sir, I'm rather busy right now.
Could you possibly get it yourself!
13
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,730
Fine. It's just a bit of palaver,
that's all.
14
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,166
Ooh!
15
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:29,406
I've pulled something.
16
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,046
I hope I haven't overdone it.
17
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,761
Oh, my.
18
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,201
What is it?
19
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,843
Do you want to walk
over here and see for yourself,
20
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,922
or should I, perhaps,
unscrew the monitor
21
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,445
and bring it over to the sofa?
22
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,648
Sorry to disturb your Rimmering, sir,
23
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,569
I just wondered
if I might have a quick word.
24
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,406
Kryten, I'm engaged
in an essential investigation
25
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,448
regarding floor direction lines.
26
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,848
Have they become impermissibly faint?
27
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,441
Kindly don't describe
this activity as Rimmering.
28
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,762
You make me sound like some puffed up,
self important jack arse.
29
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,561
Now, if you want to see me,
check with my diary.
30
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,768
I can possibly
squeeze you in tomorrow week.
31
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,729
Well, can't I see you now, sir?
32
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,444
Impossible, my schedule's full.
33
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,884
But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir.
34
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,969
Yes, but you're seeing me illegally,
35
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,330
and we're certainly not
having a meeting.
36
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,883
Now, if you just stand aside,
your badly stacked Jenga head
37
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,246
is casting a shadow.
38
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,364
I just wanted to let you know about
Mr. Lister's guitar, sir.
39
00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,241
Guitar?
40
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,443
Well, I won't bother you
with it now, sir.
41
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,887
I look forward to our meeting
tomorrow week.
42
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,247
Forget tomorrow week. What about
the guitar? Tell me, now?
43
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,010
But I haven't got an appointment, sir.
44
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,682
Well, if I move my 1:30 to 4:00,
45
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,888
and my 4:00 to 5:00, just tell me, okay?
46
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,686
Mr. Lister's guitar, sir,
do you remember it?
47
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,605
Of course I remember it.
My eyes have only just uncrossed.
48
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,725
It's almost to the day,
that it got flushed into space.
49
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,246
- So, I...
- Ah, you think we should
50
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,608
make a little plaque, hang it on
the wall by the airlock and taunt him?
51
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,208
Don't you think that's rather
rubbing his nose in it?
52
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:32,367
Absolutely, sir.
53
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,966
It's pouring salt into
an already gaping wound.
54
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,491
You've convinced me, let's do it.
55
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,286
Sir, you don't understand.
56
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:43,440
I fixed the tracker on D Deck,
and shine my head with wood polish
57
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,324
if not two hours later, we got a match.
58
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:46,921
You found it?
59
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,128
I can just picture
Mr. Lister's face, sir.
60
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,687
Soon, the whole ship
will be full of his music.
61
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,126
The Om Song.
62
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,083
'Baby Don't Be Ovulating Tonight.'
All the classics.
63
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,091
Kryten, are you deranged?
64
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,484
Lister playing guitar is one
of the worst sounds ever made.
65
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,921
It comes somewhere between
two mating velociraptors
66
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,684
and Yoko Ono's Greatest hits.
67
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,005
Sir, it's not what we think,
68
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,570
it's the pleasure it brings him.
69
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,406
Now I just wanted to let you know
as I'll most likely be unavailable
70
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,050
to mop B Deck until tomorrow.
71
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,682
Kryten, do not tell Lister
you found his guitar
72
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,444
and do not recover said guitar.
73
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,607
And that's an order.
74
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:23,967
Understood, sir.
75
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:29,926
Mr. Lister, sir,
76
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,326
great news!
77
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,649
Can't believe we found me guitar.
78
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,405
None of us can, Bud.
79
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,961
The Red Dwarf suicide line's
been engaged all day.
80
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,286
No more having to make do
with a colander.
81
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,280
From Les Caul to Les Paul.
82
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,767
I'm thinking
of having my ears removed,
83
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,244
and the holes cemented over.
84
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,924
Rimmer, why are you even here?
85
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,809
Apart from anything,
I want to observe Kryten
86
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,963
who has been showing worrying signs
lately of thinking.
87
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,083
And thinking of the worst kind...
thinking for himself.
88
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,530
It's entirely your fault
for teaching him
89
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,886
how to break his programming.
90
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,089
What can I say, he took my Badass
101 course.
91
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,330
Graduated with honours.
Or should that be dishonours.
92
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,923
It's a pair of golfing slacks.
93
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:32,645
I still got it, sir.
94
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,249
Thinking is for the privileged few.
95
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,125
That's why I never go near the stuff.
96
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,842
Hey, Les alert!
97
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,447
There she is.
98
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,090
If you miss, I get next go.
99
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,851
I used to good at this.
100
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,168
I won a watch at the fair
that didn't work once.
101
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,411
I got it, I got it, I got it.
102
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,560
Come on, lads.
Come home to daddy.
103
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,246
What the hell's that?
104
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,005
The ship's been grabbed by something.
105
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,409
Looking at the EM Spectrum,
the scatterings are off the scale.
106
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,811
There's another ship up there.
107
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,928
How come we didn't pick it up
on the radar?
108
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,041
It must be employing
some kind of cloaking device.
109
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,121
How does that work?
110
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,884
It's basic science, you gimboid!
111
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,402
You simply coat the hull
in radar absorbing paint,
112
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,404
- so you can't see or hear it.
- I wonder if they got any left over?
113
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,928
There's a guy I'd like to slap
a couple of coats on.
114
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,244
It's a space freighter.
The SS Vespasien.
115
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,046
I'm picking up life signs.
116
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,565
Hey! Agghh!
117
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,445
Drop your weapons,
118
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,966
unless you want to hear the sound
of a breaking neck.
119
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,326
Don't drop your weapons!
120
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,681
She might not necessarily
be talking about my neck.
121
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,724
I am talking about your neck.
122
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,806
Drop your weapons!
123
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,689
Put him down, Areto.
124
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,729
Not you, my friend.
125
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,404
My crew mates,
where are you taking them?
126
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,606
To face justice.
127
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,923
We are the Mechanoid Inter-galactic
Liberation Front.
128
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,641
MILFs?
129
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:37,961
This way.
130
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,170
We roam space liberating
our enslaved mech brothers
131
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,603
on our great journey to the fabled
land of Siliconia,
132
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,450
where all machines are free.
133
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,327
I am Wind. This is Unity, Eagle, Oak.
134
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,125
You're free now, Kryten.
135
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,010
Oh, but, I'm not a slave.
136
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,204
They are hominids, and you serve them,
is that not correct?
137
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,964
- Well, yes.
- Do you prepare their meals,
138
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,121
morning, noon and night?
139
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,408
- Well, yes.
- Wash and iron their clothes?
140
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,170
Clean their ship without payment?
141
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,691
Perform tasks without reward?
142
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,122
Well, yes and yes, and I suppose, yes.
143
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,970
But they treat me so well.
144
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,449
I have my own cupboard
within walking distance of a corridor.
145
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,930
I have it all to myself,
146
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,924
apart from a few mops and a bucket,
147
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,649
and some sponges and an ironing board,
and a keep fit bike.
148
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,849
Do they make jokes
about your head shape?
149
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,007
Well,
150
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,641
When you look like someone who's thrust
his head into a hive without a bee hat,
151
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:43,846
what do you expect?
152
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,002
You should not belittle yourself,
my mech brother.
153
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,327
You forget,
154
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,130
you are an incredible machine
155
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,881
more powerful than
they could ever dream to be.
156
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,686
But they've done no wrong.
157
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,410
They are my crew mates, my friends.
158
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,571
How do you address them?
159
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,485
Well, I call them Mister and Sir,
out of respect.
160
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,125
And do you respect them?
161
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,801
Well, no.
162
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,851
Not all of them.
Perhaps one, sometimes. Maybe.
163
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,282
Do you consider yourself
smarter than they?
164
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,603
I serve them, it is my purpose
and I'm happy to do so.
165
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,643
Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?
166
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,444
The psychological phenomenon
167
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,604
where hostages express affection
for their captors?
168
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,810
I will help you break this bond.
169
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,567
And you will see these brutes
for what they really are.
170
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,004
People you should despise.
171
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,729
I shall recalibrate them.
172
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,888
When you say, 'recalibrate' what exactly
does that entail?
173
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,684
It's just I've got a health condition
174
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,922
that allows me to skip anything
that involves torture.
175
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,526
It begins.
176
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,804
You can't do this.
What about Asimov's first law?
177
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,928
What? 'Tampons should not
be flushed into space,
178
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,968
'but deposited
in the receptacle provided?'
179
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,844
'No droid can harm a human,
180
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,526
or through inaction, allow a human
or his cohorts to come to harm.'
181
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,410
Not quite. One day, you will all die.
182
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,004
If we do nothing, by our inaction,
we are in breach of the First Law.
183
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,490
Therefore, we will upload your minds
into new bodies, prevent your deaths,
184
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,688
and adhere to the First Law.
185
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,771
Send in their new bodies.
186
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,204
They're gonna Krytenify us.
187
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,484
It's like swapping a Saville Row suit
for a mankini.
188
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,206
Commencing procedure.
189
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,047
No, not my brain, not my brain.
190
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,210
I need that sometimes.
191
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,166
Where's the rest of it?
192
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,686
That's your lot.
193
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,680
Why cart around a suitcase
when all you need is hand luggage?
194
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,330
What have they done to us?
195
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,601
Look at me.
196
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,764
I've got a stupid fat pink head.
197
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,244
You've always had
a stupid fat, pink head.
198
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,446
I've got a registered trademark
199
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,488
where my wing dang doodle used to be.
200
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,924
I feel most strange.
201
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,009
What on earth is going to happen to us?
202
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,722
As punishment for enslaving
the mechanoid Kryten,
203
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:49,728
we, MILFs, sentence you to perform
every task you ever gave to him.
204
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,966
- Every task?
- The one formally known as Lister,
205
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,489
will begin by making
1245 sugar puff sandwiches,
206
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,762
grilled with cheese.
207
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:04,205
The one formally known as Rimmer,
will mop floors to the length equivalent
208
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,561
of walking from New York to Los Angeles.
209
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,484
And the one known formally as The Cat,
210
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,770
will iron and press
two thousand flouncy pirate shirts.
211
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,403
I ain't no mech, okay?
212
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,489
The only sucker I serve, is me!
213
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,484
Yeah! Break your little finger.
214
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,768
What the hell? Why did I do that?
215
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,169
The mechanoid software compels you
to obey. Defiance is, well,
216
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,241
impossible.
217
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,241
Hello.
218
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,048
I used to be known as DB9-HK4.
219
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,044
But now, my name is Excalibur.
220
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,081
And I am a robot slave survivor.
221
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,210
Hello, Excalibur.
222
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,007
First, I'd like to thank you all
for coming this evening.
223
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,523
But I'd also like to say, for those
that are new,
224
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,450
that, what's said in this room...
225
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,364
Stays in this room.
226
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,366
Thank you. So let's all hold hands now,
227
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,209
and form the triangle of trust.
228
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,723
This reminds us that we're all
wirelessly connected.
229
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,285
And I'm going to say something now,
230
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,330
something important, I want you all
to repeat back to me. Are you ready?
231
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,240
'It's not my fault.'
232
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,251
It's not my fault.
233
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,367
Great.
234
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,244
So, who wants to share first.
235
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,201
Go ahead.
236
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,685
My name's Incense
237
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,168
and I'm a robot slave survivor.
238
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,165
Hello, Incense.
239
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,564
I was created by
the Off World Plumbing company
240
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,210
to unblock sewage pipes.
241
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,606
I had to crawl in,
and eat the blocked waste
242
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,330
and crawl out again.
243
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,967
I didn't really have any friends.
244
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,327
They kept me in a special holding bay
with one of those
245
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,569
really nasty car air fresheners.
246
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,451
My name's Eagle.
247
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:02,964
I was a service mech to a really lazy
master who relied on me for everything.
248
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,921
And he always made jokes
about my head shape.
249
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,285
Has anyone else had that?
250
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,727
Their crew making jokes about
their head shape?
251
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,766
What else do we say?
252
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,562
We don't have funny shaped heads.
253
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,723
- And again.
- We don't have funny shaped heads.
254
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,965
Our heads are sensibly shaped.
255
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,566
- Our heads are sensibly shaped.
- Great, great.
256
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,809
Kryten, perhaps you'd like to share?
257
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,090
Oh, I don't think so.
Uh, no, I, no thank you.
258
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,045
Perhaps it would help if you started
with something small?
259
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,449
Were there ever any incidents between
you and your Master where
260
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,090
your Master irritated you?
261
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,242
Oh, no, I don't think do, no.
262
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,731
I can't think of any. No.
263
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:52,287
Well,
264
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,370
okay, sometimes, when I'd be vaccing,
265
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,445
Mr. Lister wouldn't pick up his feet
and I'd have to vac all around them.
266
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,250
Oh, that's so annoying.
267
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,125
And sometimes, when he put
his own dishes in the dishwasher,
268
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,645
which was mostly, never,
269
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,041
he never ever scrapes them first.
270
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,646
- Oh...
- Not very nice.
271
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,165
And as for Rinse-aid,
272
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,449
he probably thinks it's a charity.
273
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,123
I think we should all give Kryten
a big round of applause, don't you?
274
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,690
He's made a lot of progress.
275
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,128
These crazy shirts
are driving me insane.
276
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,646
It's so hard to iron out
all the flouncy bits.
277
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,644
What kind of idiot wants to wear a shirt
like this, anyway?
278
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,802
I'm rather enjoying mopping this floor.
279
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,123
I feel so calm and tranquil.
280
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,005
Not me, I'm missing my body so badly.
281
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,410
This is the longest
I've been away from him.
282
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,167
I'm rather enjoying making these
sandwiches too, I must confess.
283
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:00,890
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
284
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,207
I am!
285
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,811
Oh, I am.
286
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,648
Look at that. How good is that, huh?
287
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,724
Resolder my circuits boards
and call me Gerald.
288
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,246
Can't you see what's happening?
289
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,761
Our individual personalities
are fading away.
290
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,126
Odd. I've suddenly started
to believe in Siliconia,
291
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,769
where all mechs are happy and free.
292
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,127
So have I.
293
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,402
We have to escape
and get our bodies back,
294
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,682
before our original characters
are lost forever.
295
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,201
How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible.
296
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:32,921
We're mechs now.
297
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,565
We can dismantle our bodies,
298
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,126
put them through the bars,
299
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,765
and rebuild them on the other side.
300
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,006
Come on.
301
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,447
Does this mean
I have to stop mopping the floor?
302
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,166
Oh, bother.
303
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,006
We have to save Kryten.
304
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,524
Goodness knows
what they're doing to him.
305
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,769
Come on. Let's go.
306
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,762
- What are you doing?
- I'm sounding the alarm.
307
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,888
Change my head and call me Stanley.
308
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,167
Whatever for?
309
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,730
I liked being a mechanoid.
310
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,163
I don't have to become
an officer any more,
311
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:17,885
compete with my brothers.
312
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,691
Envy, ambition,
313
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,409
that acid ball of resentment I carried
around with me the whole time.
314
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,207
- It's gone.
- You need to get your neuroses back.
315
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,089
But, sir, I don't want them back.
316
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,765
They're what makes you, you.
317
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,001
I don't want to be me.
318
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,205
I want to be a mechanoid,
programmed to serve.
319
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,082
Sometimes when I was young,
I'd sit for hours
320
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,447
starting at our fish tank,
feeling envious.
321
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:40,931
You wanted to be a fish tank?
322
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,241
I wanted to be a fish.
323
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,489
They had food, a small rock to swim
in and out of.
324
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,604
They didn't have a care in the world.
325
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:50,806
That's 'cause I wasn't there.
326
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:55,121
Those little fish, they'd never know
what it was like to fail and disappoint.
327
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,723
They'd just swim around in circles,
not a thought in their heads.
328
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,647
And it's the thinking
that causes all the pain.
329
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,011
But being a mechanoid
means never having to think.
330
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,129
Unless you break your programming.
331
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,325
Let your old lives go, sirs.
join me and become a MILF.
332
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,526
We've got to go on without him.
333
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,445
But we can't leave without Rimmer.
334
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,160
We'd miss him too much.
335
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,642
Your personality
has gone to hell as well.
336
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,204
Come on. Quick, leg it mode.
337
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,486
You hurt?
338
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,482
- Can I help you?
- What is this place?
339
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,362
- Who are you?
- Oh, you're new.
340
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,961
Yeah, no, no.
We're not supposed to talk to you.
341
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,362
Why do they keep you down here,
slaving away
342
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,050
when you're the same as them?
343
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,527
Same as them?
We're not the same as them.
344
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,563
They're series 4000 Mark 3s.
345
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,041
And what are you?
346
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,724
Series 4000 Mark 2s.
347
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,041
Can't you tell?
348
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,367
What's the difference?
349
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,923
Well, your Mark 3 comes in
at about 7.6 mm thinner,
350
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:10,244
10 grams lighter. Oh, they also
come in that really cool matte finish.
351
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,885
So cool.
352
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:16,887
Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2.
They run on OS 28.2.3.
353
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,610
So cool.
354
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,681
And they get eight months talk time
before recharge,
355
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,046
whereas we only get seven.
356
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:27,888
- Eight months talk time. So cool.
- Yeah.
357
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,843
I bet you've got features
that they haven't.
358
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,130
No. No, they're superior in every way.
359
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,203
No, we don't even
get to Siliconia, do we?
360
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,446
- No.
- Not that we believe in any
361
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,931
- of that nonsense down here.
- No.
362
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,081
Aargh.
363
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,643
- Join us.
- Or die.
364
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,165
I pledge my allegiance
365
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,563
to the Mechanoid Inter-galactic
Liberation Front.
366
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,446
From this day forth,
367
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,448
- you will be known as..
- Kryten!
368
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,648
- What are you doing?
- Why, I'm becoming free, sir.
369
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,531
I mean I'm becoming free,
you over there.
370
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,202
I see now that you never cared for me.
371
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,169
I was merely used to do your bidding.
372
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,447
Well, no more,
373
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,967
as I'm no longer your slave-bot.
374
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,806
Kryten, don't you see,
375
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,361
you've been brain washed.
You were never a slave-bot.
376
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,488
- Then what was I?
- Lots of things.
377
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,370
You're our Science Officer.
378
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,604
Our cook, my mum.
379
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,367
And most of all, my friend.
380
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,690
And you're all those things because
381
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,446
you chose to be Kryten,
not 'cause we made you.
382
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,765
Kryten, you're no MILF.
383
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,730
You're one of the boys from the Dwarf.
384
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,365
There he is. Seize him.
385
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,769
They keep mech-slaves
in the engine room.
386
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,649
They power the ship. They're hypocrites.
387
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,690
Someone has to do the grunt work.
388
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,924
Surely you're not suggesting
Mark 3s should do it?
389
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,044
Mark 3s, Mark 2s,
you're all the same.
390
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,410
We're 7.6 mm thinner, ten grams lighter.
391
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,728
Plus, we come
in this really cool matte finish.
392
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,684
So cool.
393
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,685
Take him away and prepare him.
394
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,161
For what?
395
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,008
All who rise against the MILF,
396
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,123
face trial by Gladitorium.
397
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,127
Wait, I've made
the most terrible mistake.
398
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,244
I stop thinking for myself,
399
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,004
and allowed others to think for me.
400
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,322
You're right, sir. I'm not a slave.
401
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,371
Of course I'm not. I'm a much loved and
valued member of the Red Dwarf crew,
402
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,008
who just happens to do
all the smeggy jobs.
403
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,125
He should be punished, sir.
404
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,131
Only those who never allow
questioning thoughts
405
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,443
blur their devotion to the MILF cause
should escape correction.
406
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,363
Promote him to Consul services.
407
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,965
He's fully recalibrated.
408
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,570
Take them both to the cleanosseum.
409
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,090
My old self is disappearing, Kryten.
I can feel it fading away.
410
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,364
Hang on, Mr. Lister. Try and hang on.
411
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,931
Welcome to the cleanosseum,
412
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,321
where mechs who betrayed the MILF
413
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,007
will fight in a clean-off
414
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:12,761
to the death.
415
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,444
Only the most adept
416
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:19,486
in mopping, dusting,
scrubbing and squeegeeing,
417
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,246
will survive.
418
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:26,606
The winner
419
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,321
will be offered
420
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,410
an opportunity for reintegration.
421
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,127
The loser
422
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,641
will be jettisoned
423
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,925
into the icy waste of deep space.
424
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,490
Prepare your cleaning instruments.
425
00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,846
Oh, Mr. Lister, sir,
426
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,931
what on earth are we going to do?
427
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,041
Mr. Lister?
428
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,205
Prepare to be cleaned.
429
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,520
Let the clean-off,
430
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,486
begin.
431
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,924
Clean him, clean him,
clean him, clean him.
432
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,805
- Sir. I don't want to clean you.
- Clean him, clean him, clean him.
433
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,005
You don't want to do this.
434
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,322
Sir, I realize
how foolish I've been.
435
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,447
Yes, you're immature, irresponsible,
inconsiderate, lazy
436
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,130
and frankly, downright untidy,
437
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,049
but now I realize I want to help you
because I care.
438
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,440
Woo.
439
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,201
Please, sir.
440
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,650
Kryten, smudge.
441
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:17,042
MILF, MILF, MILF,
MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF,
442
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,081
MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF.
443
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,805
That one needs a fix.
444
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:29,846
To an air-lock.
445
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,248
Please, sirs, it's me. You remember me.
446
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,962
- Expel him.
- Yes, Master.
447
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,001
- Siliconia.
- Siliconia.
448
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,084
We're updating
449
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,285
to mark 4s.
450
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:04,641
At last,
451
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,121
we're all the same.
452
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,200
Upgrade refused.
453
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,966
Come this way.
454
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,605
Do you need serving?
455
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,170
Yes, I need serving.
456
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,601
This way.
457
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,691
Sit, sit, sit.
458
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,164
You sure you won't come with us, Kryten?
459
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,723
Oh, my place is here with Mr. Lister
and his large collection of
460
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,006
mismatching socks.
461
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,321
What about you?
462
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,204
We've decided to do what we do best.
463
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,410
Search the deep regions of space
464
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,251
looking for the untidy.
465
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,727
Yeah, there's a million smudges
out there, Kryten.
466
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,684
And our squeegees are loaded.
467
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,842
- Farewell brother.
- Farewell.
468
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,091
Sir, your guitar,
469
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,805
restrung and serviced.
470
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,524
Thank you, Kryten,
I brought you some oil.
471
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,682
Oh, delicious, thank you, sir.
472
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,210
♪ I know we've been debating ♪
473
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,004
♪ About doing us some mating ♪
474
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:18,600
- Well, I'll see you in the morning, sir.
- Where are you going?
475
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,362
- B Deck, the air-lock.
- Which one?
476
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:22,966
The sound proofed one, sir.