1
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,723
As we stand here this morning
2
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,327
in an unknown galaxy
on the outer reaches of the solar system
3
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,844
and I claim this planetoid,
rich in Helium 7,
4
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,241
on behalf of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation,
5
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,927
it is only fitting we remember
the generations that came before us.
6
00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:01,641
It is to their memory, their greatness,
their infinite glorious accomplishments,
7
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,883
that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".
8
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,129
In the same spirit of benevolence,
9
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,603
I've also graciously agreed to lend
my name to the star this moon orbits,
10
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:17,685
which from this moment on,
will be known as "Sunny Rim".
11
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,442
Gentlemen, to Rimmer,
12
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,084
a moon rich in Helium 7,
the most valuable gas in the universe.
13
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,683
To Rimmer... so full of gas.
14
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:34,771
Sirs, there appears to be
15
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,446
some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west?
16
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,204
You should engage skedaddle mode.
17
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,964
But the Helium 7. We need to mine it.
18
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,969
There's no time, sir.
19
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,688
But Helium 7's incredibly scarce.
20
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:49,367
It's rarer than an ungroped bottom
at the BBC in the 1970s.
21
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,161
It's worth a fortune.
22
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,368
If we ever get back to Earth
in the 23rd century,
23
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,771
I'll get a finder's fee.
24
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,565
One hour, that's all I'm asking.
25
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,331
Bud, can't you see,
26
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,607
if you're hanging around here
when that storm's brewing
27
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:02,966
you're gonna get wiped.
28
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,407
I'm begging you, stay!
29
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,490
I'll still be rich
beyond my wildest dreams just with this.
30
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,524
Don't worry, I won't change.
31
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,724
That's the tragedy of it.
32
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,247
Check this. That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it?
33
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,971
It looks like a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
34
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,451
and it's heading straight for us.
35
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,691
I want a full Space Corp
verified diagnostic on that thing.
36
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,649
- Already printing, sir.
- Well? What is it?
37
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,446
It says, "It's a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing
38
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,170
"and it's heading straight for us."
39
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,120
Here it comes!
40
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,564
What the hell just happened?
41
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,491
People have had acid trips
that have made more sense than that.
42
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,882
I've had directions
from drunken Scots men
43
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,564
that have made more sense than that.
44
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:04,441
Any theories?
45
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,689
I believe the ship may have been hit
46
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,570
by a temporal wash
from a time wave, sir.
47
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,321
It's been what by a what from a what?
48
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:17,122
Much as a tsunami is caused by a large
displacement of water in the sea bed,
49
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,887
a time wave is created
by an imploding black hole,
50
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,368
causing space
time to contort into a series of waves.
51
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,285
Much as a what causes a what
into a series of whats?
52
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,529
Now, when the wave moves forward,
53
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,730
artefacts from the past
can be washed up into the present
54
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,564
and when the wave withdraws,
55
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,723
artefacts from the present
can be swept back into the past.
56
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,531
That sounds like a free ride
out of here. Show me where to stand.
57
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,125
Sir, whoever is hit
58
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,807
is likely to be swept in
to an uninhabitable part of deep space.
59
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,445
Quick! Show him where to stand.
60
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,649
We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.
61
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,247
- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.
62
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,005
- So what do we do if this wave shows up?
- We'll have to outrun it.
63
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:02,161
Maybe if we lost some weight.
jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.
64
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,242
Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.
65
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,249
Wait, check this in vector four.
66
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,289
There's a ship
just shown up on the scans.
67
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,326
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th century Earth
68
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,404
and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.
69
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,527
Something's wrong.
70
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,769
They're locked on to a crash course
71
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,207
straight into the heart
of Planet Rimmer.
72
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,802
Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?
73
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,244
The impact is likely
to cause an explosion
74
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,243
which could well ignite the Helium 7.
75
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,606
And kill Planet Rimmer?
76
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,567
- And kill everything in this vicinity,
- Including Planet Rimmer?
77
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:38,887
Including everything!
78
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,088
We need to board that ship
and stop it crashing.
79
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:42,650
And save Planet Rimmer.
80
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,207
- And save the crew.
- And Planet Rimmer.
81
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,569
This mechanoid is reversing.
82
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,324
This mechanoid is reversing.
83
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,366
How long before we dock, Kryts?
84
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,930
Just thirty minutes, sir.
85
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,843
So I thought now might be a good time
86
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,571
to share the intel
I've uncovered on the Enconium.
87
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,211
It appears they have
some rather strange laws.
88
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,281
Strange how?
89
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,410
On their ship, criticism is illegal.
90
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,409
A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.
91
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,968
A world where
no one is blamed or rebuked
92
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,804
and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.
93
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,611
That's what they say, but they'll never
hold out after they meet you.
94
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,201
You screw up and no one tells you.
What's the good in that?
95
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,770
That's easy for you to say, Lister,
96
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,361
but how would you feel
if you were ridiculed every day,
97
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,680
wedgied every night,
98
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,967
and sometimes even have your head
shoved down the toilet
99
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,041
and the chain pulled?
100
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,724
But we've stopped doing that now.
101
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,850
Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school
102
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,490
so I could get my confidence back.
103
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,845
Games weren't competitive
at St. Trembles.
104
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,365
So what did you do on Sport's Day?
105
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,207
Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run
in any direction you wanted.
106
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,086
Or paint a picture
or stay at home and watch TV.
107
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,847
And everyone got
a "You're Really Special" trophy
108
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:12,921
and a party bag.
109
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,411
Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.
110
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,960
You get knocked down,
you get back up again. You slug it out.
111
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,407
If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism I ever got,
112
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,686
where do you think I'd be now?
113
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:22,966
Not single, not podgy,
114
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,169
and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut.
115
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,045
Sirs, please.
116
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,930
When we board the Enconium,
117
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,721
we must remember to respect their laws
and not criticise each other.
118
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,001
How long we gotta hold out?
119
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,162
- Just an hour, sir.
- A whole hour?
120
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,450
In that case you'd better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.
121
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,971
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?
122
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,329
Well, according to their data banks,
123
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:51,088
they believe when people criticise,
they feel esteem-inflating superiority
124
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,369
which causes the pleasure chemical,
dopamine, to be released in the brain.
125
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,601
And dopamine's bad?
126
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,490
Too much dopamine
is like taking cocaine, sir.
127
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,650
It overexcites the receptors
between brain cells,
128
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,764
causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.
129
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,049
So people who criticise
get high on criticism?
130
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,845
It seems they become addicted,
131
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,686
needing to criticise more and more
to produce the same original high.
132
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,489
This explains so much.
133
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,086
Junkie.
134
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,604
But criticism can be good, can't it?
135
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,286
I mean, it forces people
to become better.
136
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,681
Oh, not always, sir. Take you.
137
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,161
What about me?
138
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,609
Well, as a guitarist you've been
criticised, belittled, decried,
139
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,251
vilified, panned and slammed
your whole life.
140
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,281
- And your point is?
- You still utterly suck, sir.
141
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,965
No, I don't!
142
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,245
I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day
I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,
143
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,561
but I took that criticism on board,
144
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,483
I dedicated myself to getting better,
145
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,849
and now, so long, Plucker,
hello, Davy "Three Chords."
146
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,329
"Journey to the Stars"
147
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:25,800
Aw, look at that one.
148
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,484
Have they got little kids
on-board as well?
149
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,564
By First Lieutenant Edward Moore,
aged 34 and a half.
150
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,641
So everything these guys do,
no matter how garbage,
151
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:38,721
gets to go on the wall?
152
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,370
Just like at St. Trembles.
153
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,041
And the Tate Modern.
154
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,247
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
155
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,850
Hey guys, check this.
156
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:54,609
...power of the moon you will learn
that we are all part of the tree of life
157
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,730
and on the tree you are a fruit.
158
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,242
♪ I am a fruit, a lovely fruit
Let me play the flute ♪
159
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,645
Let me remind you, gentlemen,
160
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,291
what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.
161
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,084
My friends.
162
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,442
A duct tape on stand by, sirs.
163
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,565
Welcome to our ship.
164
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,405
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
165
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,290
Apologies for not returning
your handshake,
166
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,966
but our communication system
is being repaired
167
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,088
and the hairdressers
who are carrying out the work
168
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,447
haven't quite determined
what's wrong yet.
169
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,402
Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced
by the catering department,
170
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,881
so therefore to the stairs.
171
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,721
Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were
serviced by the lift service people?
172
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,043
Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy
working at the hospital,
173
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,602
trying to figure out
why no one's getting better.
174
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,730
This way, my friends.
175
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,610
I don't know if you're aware,
176
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,365
but you've been washed up
three million years into deep space
177
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,649
and you're on a crash course
straight into a Helium 7 moon.
178
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,090
I love your accent.
179
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,368
It's is cuter than a kitten
with a toilet roll.
180
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,400
Now, let me take you along to our diner
181
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,370
and then I'm gonna
hunt down our Captain. Okay?
182
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,646
This way.
183
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,450
What the hell's he doing?
184
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:26,170
Best guess, the Enconium crew
are encouraged to express themselves
185
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,447
without fear of scorn or ridicule.
186
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,081
Bring back scorn and ridicule,
that's what I say.
187
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,286
Sir, please.
188
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,251
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?
189
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,243
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
190
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,685
Hey, bud, you should stick around.
191
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,849
The Om song could go platinum here.
192
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,482
I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.
193
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,166
No one cares if you're right or wrong,
good or bad.
194
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,446
Maybe they're on to something.
195
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,931
I mean, take me, back in the day,
196
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,083
I misrepaired a drive plate
and killed over a thousand people.
197
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,569
Now, in our culture that sort of thing
is really frowned upon.
198
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,604
But here, you just move on.
199
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,889
Here's your coffee, sir.
Be careful it's very, very hot.
200
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,371
Argh!
201
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,000
Whoops-a-daisy.
202
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,849
She's just broiled my love spuds
and she doesn't even say sorry.
203
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,361
She's moved on.
204
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:35,681
Look at the state of me.
205
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,645
Okay, here we are.
206
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,765
I have one processed sausage
with sprouts in a radish jus,
207
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,366
and one warm goat salad.
208
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,291
We didn't order any food.
209
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,244
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
210
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,005
Though I wouldn't mind
ordering a fresh pair of testicles
211
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,445
'cause these two are ruined.
212
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,641
Are you criticising me?
213
00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,330
No, no, he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
214
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,683
Critics! Help!
215
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,126
Let's get out of here.
216
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,771
Easter Island head's right.
Let's scoot while we still can.
217
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,683
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.
218
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,603
Nothing works here.
Especially the people.
219
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,202
- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Officer.
220
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,570
Do you know
why I've pulled you over, sir?
221
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,444
No, I haven't got a clue. No.
222
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,606
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?
223
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,328
Criticising? No, not at all. No.
224
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,444
It's just we've had a report
of some illegal castigation
225
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,363
in the diner this evening, sir.
226
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,041
What about you lads?
227
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,490
Been doing any criticising this evening?
228
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,561
No.
229
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,730
- Little bit of chiding perhaps?
- Chiding? No.
230
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,525
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.
231
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,601
Harping?
232
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,364
- Little bit of panning?
- No.
233
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,124
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.
234
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,170
You won't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me then, will you, sir?
235
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,201
You what?
236
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,489
Go on. Blow as hard as you can.
237
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,364
You've got a reading of 95, sir.
238
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,363
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
239
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,530
It means that your friend is way over
the criticism limit, sir.
240
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,564
I may have to take him down
to the station.
241
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,483
Now wait a minute.
242
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,324
- Are you telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.
243
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,290
Implying I'm going too fast,
and therefore criticising me?
244
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,530
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?
245
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,122
Insinuating that my attention
isn't focused in the correct direction,
246
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,247
- therefore implying that my focus...
- I'm not criticising you, okay?
247
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,483
Look, we're here to warn you that
you're ship is on a collision course
248
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,927
with a very important moon
called Planet Rimmer.
249
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,404
I'm going to let you off with a caution.
250
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,404
Caution? How dumb is this guy?
251
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,045
Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,
252
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,482
if you don't move
your dumb ass spaceship,
253
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,484
we're gonna be flatter
than your wife's droopy ass titties.
254
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,561
Capisce?
255
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,807
Wait a minute. Why have you
taken his straight jacket off?
256
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,442
While he's in here,
he's not a danger to anyone, is he?
257
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:07,881
Well, he is to us.
258
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:09,646
No one cares about you.
259
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,248
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact.
260
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,321
Pretend he's not here.
261
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,604
All right, mate, how you doing?
262
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,442
I been better. I'll tell you that.
263
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,689
- How long you in for?
- Life.
264
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,245
- What for?
- Tutting.
265
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:30,807
Tutting?
266
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,085
They drove me to it.
267
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,642
I'm in the queue,
in the canteen, queueing.
268
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:43,240
Finally, I get to the front,
my turn to get served
269
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,680
and they say,
"Sorry, love, we've just closed."
270
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:49,441
So I go...
271
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:54,441
You just went...
272
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,646
...and you got life?
273
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,850
I just called that cop Lieutenant
Asshole, so what am I gonna get?
274
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,049
It don't bear thinking about.
They'll probably drain you.
275
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,121
What's that?
276
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,328
Not that I'm implying
there's anything wrong with draining,
277
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,526
it's probably really lovely.
278
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,691
What the hell are we going to do?
279
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,330
We've got to get out of here.
280
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,882
Get to the engine room
and get this ship off the crash course.
281
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,361
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us.
282
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,323
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
283
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,291
Kryten, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.
284
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,044
He wears Odour-Eaters now.
285
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,650
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir.
From that moon this morning.
286
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,960
The Helium 7?
287
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,688
Which I can then fuse with the deuterium
288
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,764
I have in
my isotope sample store in my arm
289
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,411
and create a small contained explosion.
290
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,490
Why do you collect isotope samples
and keep them in your arm?
291
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,561
Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic
soldiers and keep them in your locker?
292
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,522
- You're weird.
- I'm weird?
293
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,964
At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.
294
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,446
Next time we're in a jam
295
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,410
and one of
your 6th regiment trumpeters saves us,
296
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,323
I'll eat my crevice brush.
297
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,601
There.
298
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,321
Excellent.
299
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,246
Here, boys, take me with you.
300
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,847
I promise I'm no danger
to the outside world any more.
301
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,161
I'll never tut again
302
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:31,966
Where are you taking us?
303
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,811
I'm taking you to where
all the worst criticizers go.
304
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,005
The back seat drivers?
They're all there.
305
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,242
Surely you can see, a society
without criticism is utterly...
306
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,924
You don't know what it was like before.
307
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,125
The ship was a shambles,
everyone arguing,
308
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,043
constantly choosing new captains.
309
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,729
So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.
310
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,525
Any smegger can see
that society can't function like that.
311
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,489
Yeah, but once
they'd outlawed criticism,
312
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,485
nobody could criticise the criticism law
because it was illegal to criticise.
313
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:04,921
Idiots!
314
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,010
I just criticised something,
didn't I?
315
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,768
Oh, God, I've not done that for ages.
That felt good.
316
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,884
Criticising's great, isn't it?
Gives you a real lift.
317
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,244
I don't like your shoes by the way.
318
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,245
What's the story with his head?
319
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,602
Looks like something from that TV show,
when circumcisions go wrong.
320
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,041
Look, you've got to help us.
321
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,722
If we don't get your ship
off this crash course, we're all dead.
322
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,326
The bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.
323
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,761
Won't you get in trouble?
324
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,806
How? Nobody can criticise you here.
325
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,844
Now get going before somebody comes.
326
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,330
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old
to be wearing leather pants.
327
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,242
Nobody move, please.
328
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,644
Did you help them,
did you betray us, did you?
329
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,925
Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
330
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,367
I betrayed this badge
and made this uniform, quite frankly,
331
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,846
an object of ridicule.
332
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,842
Well, there is no shame
in making mistakes, Officer. You may go.
333
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,642
To our visitors, we need to drain them.
334
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,290
Now, we are going to drain you
of all your critical faculties
335
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,771
by removing your inner critic.
336
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,731
That little voice in your head that
stops you achieving your full potential.
337
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,525
Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities
338
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,648
for fear of failure or humiliation.
339
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,291
You will only feel love for all things.
340
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,170
They're going to turn us into hippies.
341
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,646
I'm going to wind up
like that crazy guy on the flute.
342
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,723
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.
343
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,129
Oh, he's come so far.
344
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,451
Look. That's his inner critic.
345
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:14,002
Oh, my God,
what's he turned into without me?
346
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:19,086
Whatever it is, he's useless.
He'll fail. He's talentless.
347
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,006
Leave this to me.
348
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,768
As Stand-in Senior
Acting Commanding Officer
349
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,320
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,
350
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:32,601
and protected as I am
under Space Corp Directive 381286...
351
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,841
Kryten, shut up.
352
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,526
I demand that you
release us all immediately.
353
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,967
Or at least one of us
as a gesture of goodwill,
354
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,371
for which I'd like to volunteer.
355
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,810
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
356
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,451
Happiness awaits
and you shall be the first.
357
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,443
Let's bottle your inner critic.
358
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,770
Now, let your critical observations
flow forth.
359
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,003
You mean, I could end up loving
my parents and admiring my brothers?
360
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,048
You'll have nothing to remain dead for.
361
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,531
Resist, sir, resist.
362
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,524
If they remove your inner critic,
you'll be changed forever.
363
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,331
Changed forever? Listen to him!
364
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,246
My parents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful and supportive.
365
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,241
Argh!
366
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,600
I achieved all my dreams
and I'm admired and respected.
367
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,002
Don't fight it. Think of your childhood.
Were your happy?
368
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,050
I was so happy-
369
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,370
I can't hold out much longer.
370
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,760
Argh!
371
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,286
My brother, Howard,
what an utter bastard.
372
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,441
As for my parents,
the schools they sent me to,
373
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,406
the exams I failed
and the support I never got.
374
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,127
And why Yvonne Macgruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me.
375
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,041
And my sex life was an absolute shambles
376
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,922
ever since that day at school
my brother gave me sex advice.
377
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,807
He said the most important thing
was the clitoris,
378
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,402
and I thought what he said
was the most important thing
379
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:03,766
was to spit on her wrist.
380
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,803
Oh, the looks I used to get.
381
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:09,881
Wait, slow down.
382
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,850
You're criticising faster
than the extractor can cope.
383
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,251
I've hardly started!
384
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,449
Your inner critic's too powerful.
The extractor can't process it.
385
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,210
Well, why can't it process it?
386
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,802
Cheap, damn Minervan, negative energy,
inner critic bottling machines.
387
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,644
Will you stop criticising?
388
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,841
What the hell's that?
389
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,084
I'm Rimmer's inner critic.
390
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:40,920
I'm the voice inside his head
391
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,686
that reminds him he's an idle,
good-for-nothing, underachieving idiot
392
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,049
who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.
393
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,682
He hangs 'round with other guys besides us?
394
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,081
Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.
395
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,565
You need me. I protect you.
396
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,768
Remember the school talent contest?
397
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:02,691
Twelve years old.
398
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,646
You wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.
399
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,405
And you made me chicken out.
400
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,445
We'd have been humiliated.
401
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,322
Same with all those women
I wanted to ask out on dates
402
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,084
you claimed were out of my league.
403
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,525
Of course I did.
404
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:21,482
Anne Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes.
405
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,844
I hate you.
You'd never let me take any risks ever.
406
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,207
I stop you
from making a fool of yourself.
407
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,089
But he's always
making a fool of himself.
408
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,885
Yeah, he is always
making a fool of himself.
409
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,487
So hang on. You're not doing
a very good job, are you?
410
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,845
You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic.
411
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,160
Where were you when Rimmer was
412
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,686
fixing that drive plate,
wiped out the crew?
413
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,205
No one criticises me.
414
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,044
Why didn't you tell him
he wasn't up to it?
415
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,884
I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?
416
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,724
Well, yes, I suppose I...
417
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,330
So you failed.
418
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,127
Well, that's not fair.
419
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,725
I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.
420
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,280
You're right, it failed.
421
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,531
That's a bit strong.
I didn't fully succeed.
422
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,285
- It failed.
- Failed?
423
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,401
- I can't believe you just said that.
- It failed.
424
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,683
- That's really horrible.
- It failed.
425
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,928
- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.
426
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,844
It'll be back one day. Trust me.
427
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:26,568
You achieved a positive end
by using criticism to vanquish a foe.
428
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,122
Because you can't tar all criticism
with the one brush.
429
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,841
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
430
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,203
Are you criticising your own philosophy?
431
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,210
I suppose I am.
432
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:39,921
Wait.
433
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,010
Call together all the members
of the High Chamber
434
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,366
and warn them that
I've repealed the law against criticism.
435
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:54,324
From this moment on, everybody can
criticise without fear of penalty.
436
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:55,881
Release them.
437
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,091
What about Planet Rimmer?
438
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,090
The ship is on a crash descent course
439
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,970
and your engineering department
don't know what the hell they're doing.
440
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,690
We need to
get to the engine room.
441
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,923
No need, I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs
442
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,800
and then we'll be out of here
in a brief contraction of forward space.
443
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,049
I've been racking my brains
444
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,044
as to how I could thank you
for showing me a new way to live.
445
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,283
Now, my first thought
was we could upgrade your mech,
446
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,525
then I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
447
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,568
Then I thought we could upgrade
Red Dwarf's engine, make it FTL,
448
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,281
but again, I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."
449
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,602
I wanted to give you
something that would
450
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,684
truly show you
the depth of my gratitude.
451
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,850
For you. It's my finest work.
452
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,686
Don't take this the wrong way, but, um,
it's not that good to be honest.
453
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,646
I repeal the law.
454
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,525
Critics! I need help here.
455
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,401
Drain them! Drain them all!
456
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,882
♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
457
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,282
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
458
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,648
♪ Let me fly far away from here
459
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,451
♪ Fun, fun, fun
460
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,121
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
461
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,647
♪ I want to lie shipwrecked
And comatose
462
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,883
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
463
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,282
♪ Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
464
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,091
♪ Fun, fun, fun
465
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,607
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
466
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,605
♪ Fun, fun, fun
467
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,810
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪