So, what do you think?
Heh. Are you the sheriff of a Chuck E. Cheese?
Are you a pilot for Definitely a Virgin Airlines?
Fawz got me a temporary gig working security.
That's right, we've had some break-ins
at one of my apartment buildings,
so I hired a couple of expert security guards,
and Tush.
Why didn't you ask me?
I've been a police officer for 30 years.
Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. Of course!
Randy, do you know any cops who might be interested?
Me! I'm on a leave of absence.
I could use the extra money.
- Great. You're hired. - Oh.
Oh. And one more thing.
Every time I enter the lobby, you have to salute me.
Oh. Can I use my middle finger?
So that's a no on the salute.
I have great news.
You found another bathroom to use?
Aw, we'll miss you.
No. I just booked my first catering gig.
- Congratulations, Sofia. - Thank you.
Arthur, I need somewhere to prep.
- Can I rent your kitchen for the night? - Nah.
- No one uses my kitchen. - Oh, c...
- Please? I'll pay you 300 bucks. - No.
Yo, we're not open tonight. What's the big deal?
1988. Barbara O'Bannon wanted to make pies here
for a fund-raiser.
A crew of two turned into 12.
The next day my sprinkles were gone.
And there was jelly on my ceiling.
Thank God. I thought that was blood.
Guess I'll call the guys
who own the diner over at Ashland.
They're always asking me to speak Spanish to them.
That's nice.
They're Korean. It's weird.
Yo, if you're worried about your kitchen,
why don't you pay me to work that night?
I can keep an eye on Sofia.
Mm, I bet you'll keep an eye on Sofia.
Whoo...!
Okay, what are you talking about?
And why do you sound like a flamboyant ghost?
Oh, come on.
We've all seen it.
How you laugh at her stupid jokes,
choking down that healthy garbage she sells.
Come on, face it,
you got a crush on her.
Whoo...!
Okay, do you have any idea how ridiculous y'all sound right now?
Oh, don't be embarrassed. I think it's cute.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, look, if renting out my kitchen
helps you court this young lady, then great.
Might turn into a carriage ride, huh?
- If she gets chilly, you offer her your coat. - Oh. So, what,
go back to the 1800s?
'Cause that wasn't a great time for my people.
Diner guys said no.
Well, look no further,
'cause Arthur said you can use his kitchen.
Under the condition that Franco is with you.
Whoo...!
What's going on?
Okay, so, uh, these guys think
I volunteered to watch you
because I want to go on a date with you.
Oh. Well, it's a little too late for that.
Why?
What?
Well... we've already hooked up.
Does "hooked up" mean what I think it means?
It means...
Whoo...!
Hey, hey. We're done with that, man.
Are we?
Whoo...!
Well, well, well.
You two have been sneaking around
and secretly dating.
Ain't a secret, ain't sneakin', ain't datin'.
And ain't really none of your business.
Ah, well, we respect your privacy, Sofia.
But we don't respect Franco's.
They do not.
Okay, so I'll let you enjoy all this. Bye.
Get a life.
What up, Shorty La-La?
Nope. Not doing nicknames.
What's got into her?
Apparently, Franco.
Why would you...
So you finally
told them about you and Sofia, huh?
How do you know? I didn't tell you.
We live in a tiny apartment, man.
Just because you zip me up in my sleeping bag
does not mean I can't hear stuff.
Well, I'm glad you two are dating, Franco.
Yeah, it's been a long time since you had a girlfriend.
Would you stop? We're not dating.
And she's not my girlfriend.
Nobody does that anymore... People our age don't put labels
- on everything like you guys did. - That's just what
two hot people do when they get together.
Uh, thank you for the creepy compliment, man.
Look, I just got into college, all right?
I don't have time for any of that serious stuff.
That's kind of how the kids are these days.
Except, of course, my daughter, the nerd.
Her and her boyfriend are taking things slow.
They study together,
watch movies in the dorm,
you know, hang out as friends.
- Ha! - Ha!
- "Study together." - Hook up in the library.
- "Watch movies." - Hook up in his room.
- "Hang out as friends." - Hook up in her room.
Aw, damn!
She's a chip off the old block.
You know, Franco, I think that your generation likes to keep things casual
because you, uh, you're afraid of getting rejected.
No, look, no, you just got to put yourself out there.
Look, that's how I got Joanie.
- "Got Joanie"? - Yeah.
Like in exchange for a cow and bag of magic beans?
Well, laugh all you want,
but we were happily married for 45 years.
Well, as tempting as it is to take dating advice
from a bunch of single people over 50...
I'm cool with the way things are.
And Sofia is, too.
So if my daughter says she's "cramming for finals..."
You don't want to know.
Okay, rookie, let's go over a few simple procedures.
Tush, I'm a cop.
I think I can handle this.
You may know the streets,
but an apartment lobby, whole different beast.
Okay, smart-ass,
tell me this... what is the highest threat
to personal safety in this building right now?
It's feeling like this conversation.
The garage.
The perp waits behind a vehicle,
and then slips under the rolling door as it closes.
Interesting. I was just gonna tell you
all the places you can nap
without being seen on the security cameras.
You nap on the job?
Pretty sweet way to make 20 bucks an hour, huh?
Wait. $20?
I'm making $17.
Really?
Well, maybe that's because I was the assistant floor manager
at a tractor factory.
I'm a cop,
and a million times more qualified than you.
Just because I'm a man doesn't mean that wasn't hurtful.
Gee, I bet Fawz is paying me less because I'm a woman.
I can't wait to bust him on this.
Okay, but just keep this between you and Fawz.
I can't afford to get involved.
I need a job on my résumé that I didn't get fired from...
or start a fire at.
So you're not gonna back me up on this?
No.
But don't let me stop you...
You should speak up for yourself.
Back at the factory,
I found out that other guys were making more than me,
so I marched into the boss's office
and I insisted on a raise.
- What happened? - A week later
they shut down the factory, moved everything to China.
Oh, my God, I cost 300 people their jobs.
Ooh, let's get Chinese tonight.
Okay, just a few ground rules.
This area over here, off limits.
- That's the sink. - All right,
the sink is fine, but the rest... off limits.
I have memorized
every square inch of this place, and I expect to find it
- exactly the way I left it. - Okay.
So, open bag of flour, next to a bucket
of stale grease, on top of what looks like a shoe.
Oh, that's where my shoe went.
Also, don't use this chopping block
for anything other than chopping.
Unless "chopping" means...
In which case, no chopping.
Okay, I resent the fact that you think I would have sex
on your dirty-ass counter, all right?
I'm more of a walk-in freezer freak.
All right, look, if she breaks the rules
you might find it hard to lay down the law, see?
So all you got to do is bang on this pipe...
and I'll come running down from my apartment lickety-split.
Which also sounds like
something you shouldn't do on the cutting board.
Well, thank you, but I won't need your help.
All right. Okay, so, you kids, uh, have fun.
Not a lot of fun.
In fact, don't have any fun.
In fact, I'm taking this.
I'll just, uh,
get out of your way.
Uh. Unless you want me in your way.
'Cause I can do that, too.
First, I have
to make 20 pounds of arroz con pollo
and 200 empanadas.
Oh.
Good. That must be Joaquin.
- Hola! ÿCómo estás? - Hola, guapa!
Te ves sÃºper bien.
Disculpa que llegue tarde pero ya estoy aquí para ayudarte.
- No te preocupes. - Chicago te ha caído muy bien.
Juaco!
Hola.
Who are you?
Uh, Franco, this is Joaquin.
He's gonna help me with the empanadas.
Joaquin, this is my friend Franco.
Friend?
I understand that word. Okay.
Um, so, how do you two know each other?
- We used to work at a restaurant in Madison. - We were dating
up until this one picked up and moved to Chicago.
But now Joaquin's moving here.
He's opening up his own restaurant.
You're moving here?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh, that sounds kind of risky. Don't you think?
Like, I wouldn't call Chicago an "eating" town, you know?
ÿPor qué llegó este muchacho aquí si no va a ayudar?
Ah, él trabaja aquí.
Uh, el patrón le preguntó
que si podía venir...
Me gusta su chaqueta. ÿAdónde la compró Franco?
Whoo! Heard my name. Heard Franco. I heard my name.
Uh... wh-what'd he say about me?
He wants to know where you got your jacket.
Forever 21.
Please do not translate that.
No, no. I got it.
That's nice ink you got there, man. What are you, a...
a baseball fan?
Played a couple of seasons for the Brewers.
Just the minor leagues.
- Oh. - That's where the modeling agency found me.
You're a model, a chef,
and a baseball player... You know, it sounds to me
like you're having trouble finding who you are, Joaquin.
Oh, that's the door.
I'm gonna get it.
Coming!
Oh, man.
- Yo. I got your text. - Yeah.
Where's Sofia?
And what's a Jo-quinn?
It's this dude she used to go out with in Wisconsin,
and now he's moving here.
But you know what? Maybe it's nothing.
- Just take a look and let me know what you think. - Come on, man.
You're Franco Wicks. This guy can't compete with you.
You really have to get in there and massage it.
- That dude's gotta go. - I know.
But I can't kick him out.
Sofia's gonna be pissed off at me.
But I do know somebody who doesn't mind
being the bad guy.
Yo. This is Sweatpants.
'Sup?
So, uh, sorry to interrupt,
but Arthur told me to check on things
every once in a while.
So, uh, counter... good.
Mm, desk... still desky.
And, uh, let me check these pipes.
You know, sometimes they get clogged up.
Nope, all clear.
Y'all good to go. Carry on.
Oh, last thing,
Arthur doesn't like it when there's two people
on the same side of the counter,
so we gotta...
Ooh, damn. You are solid.
Bet you got a seis pack, huh?
That's Spanish for "six-pack."
I think he knows, Sweatpants, let's go.
Randy, I got your text.
What's the emergency? Do I get to evict someone?
I mean, do I have to evict someone?
So, you're paying Tush $20 an hour, and me 17.
Is that because I'm a woman?
Well... yes.
But that's because men have to take care of their families.
I have a daughter. Who's Tush supporting?
She's got you there.
I have no one.
Well, Tush started before you... he has seniority.
Three days.
And he spent one of them
stuck in a stairwell.
You've got some pretty tough locks here.
I'm not sure why you need us.
Look, women in this country make 82 cents to the dollar
compared to men.
I'm paying you 85.
#resist, #thatswhatshesaid.
Fawz, you have got to make this right.
Equal pay for equal work.
Fine. Tush, now you're making 17.
Wait, what?
Randy, I said keep me out of this.
If you want to pay him less
because he's a dope,
that's your business.
But if you can afford to pay $20 an hour,
then you can afford to pay me that.
Sorry. I if you don't like it, you're free to walk.
#takeitorleaveit,
Hashtag "if you're gonna leave it let me know,
I gotta find someone else."
Asi esta bien?
No. Mas despacito. Tienes que tener paciencia.
Okay.
You know, I don't know what they're saying,
but, damn, that's a sexy-ass language.
This part gets a little messy,
and I'm meeting with friends later, so...
Hey, there's an apron right there, man.
Hey, what...
What the hell's going on here?
Who's this?
This is my friend, Joaquin. He's helping me.
Oh, nice to meet you, Joaquin.
Aren't you the spicy enchilada?
He's not allowed to be here. Get out.
- What? - I was very clear... just you and Franco.
This is Barbara O'Bannon all over again.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I need him. There's no way I can
make the empanadas without him.
Look, you knew the deal... either he goes or you go.
Seriously?
Okay, I'm so sorry.
Let me walk you out.
- Esta bien. - Okay.
Hey, yo, Joaquin, you still going out,
to, like, a club?
And might it be a plus-one situation?
Man, I'm sorry I woke you up, man,
but I know you wouldn't like some stranger
- messing with your stuff, you know? - Yeah.
Looks like he was messing with your stuff.
But you're not jealous, right?
I mean, you two are just "hooking up," right?
You don't know what you're talking about.
It's a little more complicated than that.
Well, it wouldn't be if you knew where you stood with her.
I-I-I'm just saying.
Hola, guapa.
Yo, I'm sorry about Arthur,
but you know how he gets sometimes.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
It's so crazy that he...
that he came down here for no reason.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What now, kid? Oh...
She found out about the pipe thing?
Mm-hmm, yeah. Maybe we should text next time.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't believe you.
Why did you get rid of Joaquin?
He took off his shirt. You know,
the food could have got contaminated with, like,
you know, chest hair and cologne and...
That is crap, and you know it.
I thought I was just doing you a favor.
So, hey, if you don't want me here, I'll just leave.
Whoa. Where do you think you're going?
I thought you was pissed off at me.
I am, but I still have 200 empanadas to make,
and you just kicked out my only helper.
So grab an apron.
I don't know how to make empanadas.
Well, figure it out.
Because if I don't pull off this gig,
I'm going to make you pay for it
for the rest of your life!
I'll stay. That's my choice.
I'm terrified, but that is my choice.
Oh, my God, these look terrible.
They look nothing like Joaquin's... I'm dead.
Hey, look, stop panicking.
He's not the only one who knows how to make these.
I'm gonna go on YouTube and find a tutorial.
And there we go.
Two million hits. The Shirtless Chef.
And... it's Joaquin. God...
What is up with you?
Why are you being all jealous?
I'm not jealous, I just don't like seeing you
with some other guy here.
That's literally the definition of jealous.
- You're being so territorial. - What?
I just don't like him all up in my space.
Which is the definition of "territorial."
Buy a damn dictionary.
And I don't... I thought we were just having fun.
It's not like we're dating.
Maybe we should date.
What?
Sofia, I like you. I like you a lot.
All right? And I want to take you on a date.
I want to pay for dinner,
and when it gets cold, I want to give you my coat.
I have a coat.
Maybe you forgot your coat.
Maybe you didn't think the carriage ride
would be so chilly, and you was like,
"Oh, it's a chilly carriage ride, let me get a coat."
I'm like, "Here take the coat."
I don't know, it was Arthur's idea.
Franco, I think you're awesome
and amazing, and I really like you.
But I just can't right now.
You know, I-I-I just, I don't have room
for a relationship with anyone.
I have big plans for my business.
A food truck, then catering,
and then a restaurant.
And you know what that's like.
You have big plans, too.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.
And who knows, I mean,
maybe someday, when we're not so busy,
we can go on that carriage ride.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm dying to see how that whole coat thing works.
And you know, just so you know,
that whole bulked-up, muscly vibe...
it's not really my thing.
See? It's so played out, right? Yeah.
You want a guy you can beat in arm wrestling.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
A dude you can give a piggyback ride to.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You want a guy you can share your jeans with.
And I know that 'cause I tried 'em on when you were in the shower.
Which was weird. I knew it was wrong when I did it.
- So, how did it go last night? - Not great.
When I showed up at the club,
Joaquin pretended like he didn't even know me.
I-I was talking to Franco.
Franco, how did it go after I got rid of Joaquin for you?
Well, I took your advice and I told Sofia
that I wanted a relationship.
- And? - She doesn't.
Well, good. You made some progress.
How the hell is that progress?
1971.
- Oh, man... - Ernie Menchilla.
The poker king of uptown.
I asked Joanie to be my best gal,
but she was so mesmerized by Ernie and his accordion,
she barely knew I existed.
But I hung in there, see,
and eventually everything went my way.
You just gotta be a little patient.
Okay. All right.
Wait, so what happened to that other guy?
Well, let's just say we never saw him again.
Arthur, did you kill Ernie?
I was just trying to sound badass.
He moved to Delaware.
Oh, Fawz, I've been looking for you.
- You have? - Yup.
Something occurred to me last night.
The reason women earn less
is because we never talk about pay,
so we never know if it's equal.
I agree, it's a great system.
What's your point?
I called all your female employees...
from your real estate office, your travel agency,
and your dry cleaners.
Now they all know that the men get paid more
for doing the exact same job.
Oh, well, if they have a problem,
they should come see me.
Oh, well, lucky for you they're outside.
Ladies?
Linda? Tiffanie?
You... from the travel agency?
We want a raise.
- Yeah... Right... - What?
No. Especially not Linda.
She just took three days off to have a baby.
I wasn't gonna get involved, but right is right.
Aw, thank you, Tush.
Dammit, these gals deserve a raise and maternity leave.
And it wouldn't kill you to pay us a compliment
every once in a while... they're free.
Wait a minute, if you're all here, who's minding my stores?
All those well-paid men.
What? No, they're idiots.
Well, that's all you got left.
Ladies, sit, have a donut.
Don't mind if I do.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
I will pay you exactly the same as the men.
All right.
Which is still 20% below the industry average.
Come on, I need a win here.
All right, we'll take it.
Okay, great, come on, back to work.
Back to work, let's go. Come on, come on.
And, Linda, please, no more breastfeeding during lunch.
We have a closet for that.
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com