[Glen singing nervously to himself]
[Yelps]
I don't understand why Glenn needs the shots
if you're the one carrying the baby.
If I have to pump myself full of hormones
in order to carry his child,
it's only fair that he go through the same pain.
Yeah, but with saline, so that
my male parts don't turn into female parts.
Yeah, that's how it works.
I just can't believe you guys are making a baby.
You don't even like each other.
If I wanted to avoid doing things with people I hate,
I would literally never leave my house.
And believe me, I am only doing it for the money.
And believe me, if there was any other usable, affordable
womb within 1,000 miles of here,
I would not be using hers.
It just sucks that you have to get so many shots.
Well, I had the option of taking them orally.
Then why did you pick shots?
[wails]
That's why.
[upbeat music]
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com
Amy, you're old, right?
Um...
Like you were alive during the '90s.
Yeah, I was. Yep, the roaring '90s.
So, what would you say would be the best piñata
for a Green Day-themed birthday party for a two-year-old?
Um, okay.
Let's back that up real quick.
Harmonica's into Green Day?
I doubt she's ever heard of them.
She's two.
But it's my mom's favorite band,
and it's just easier not to argue with her.
Wouldn't your mom be okay
with something a little more kid-friendly?
Like, I don't know, "Minions?"
She just got out of jail. Minions are criminals.
That could suck her right back in to the lifestyle.
Good point. Um...
All right, well, what about, like, mermaids?
I don't know. My mom really wants Green Day.
Mermaids are a lot like Green Day.
They're half-fish, half-human,
they're like rebels.
You know, down for whatever.
In fact, they used to call Green Day
the mermaids of '90s rock.
- Is that true? - Mm-hmm.
It's totally true.
Jonah, which puzzle seems more fun for the cabin?
"Bubbling Mountain Brook," or "Ankylosaurs?"
Let's go "Bubbling Brook."
Ooh, bad boy. I like it.
Okay, I'm gonna go hide it so nobody else
buys it before we can.
Ooh, good idea.
Pretty steamy weekend you guys got planned.
[chuckles] Yeah, I'm excited.
Not as excited as I am.
I got the apartment to myself, Randy's gonna come over,
we're gonna strap into our video game chairs
and not move for 70 hours straight.
Oh, um...
Randy's coming over.
Cool.
You're gonna be having sex on a jigsaw puzzle in the Ozarks,
and you're jealous of Randy?
No, no, jealous? No.
I just didn't know he was gonna come over,
so that's just, you know, news to me, is all.
Cool.
20,000, for the most beautiful gift...
Okay, I ran out of space again.
I'm just gonna void this, and I'll do another one.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
No, I am not starting out this journey with a mistake.
Here, you can fill out the forms
while I write another one.
Forms?
"Gestational surrogacy agreement."
You're making me sign a contract?
It's what they say you're supposed to do.
"Regular checkups," "custody release..."
Okay, wait, you think I want to steal your kid?
And then what? Have to spend years explaining
why it's good thing to be chosen last for dodgeball?
No, it's just better safe than sorry.
No, no, no, that's fine, that's fine.
You know what? I am gonna give this a read,
and I'll let you know if I have any thoughts.
It should be fine. It was the first one on Google.
Oh, look how cute!
Mermaid treasure for the treasure hunt.
The treasure is seashells?
Wouldn't mermaid treasure be something
they don't have general access to?
Like, human garbage would be treasure to them.
I wish I were a mermaid. I would clean up.
I think you'd be a mer-man.
Yeah, I don't really buy mermen as a thing.
Then how did they use to, you know...
[bleep]?
Unless that's why they went extinct.
They didn't go extinct.
They lost their tails over the course of centuries
and turned into humans.
It's called evolution.
I don't think so.
Okay, fine, God made us.
Look at the human eye.
It's too complicated.
No, I believe in evolution.
I'm just saying it's make believe... it's like unicorns.
We don't know that there were never unicorns.
I read that we discover like 50 new species of frogs each year.
Maybe scientists just haven't discovered unicorns yet.
Frogs are tiny. I think somebody
would've noticed a unicorn.
A lot of people believe unicorns exist.
A lot of people believe in Bigfoot.
A lot of people believe in angels!
I believe in angels.
[scoffs] No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
I used to think kangaroos were real.
[scoffs]
[Green Day's "Paranoid" plays on the muzak]
♪ Sometimes I give myself the creeps ♪
♪ Sometimes my mind plays tricks on ♪
"Surrogate shall be reimbursed
for all tailoring expenses?"
I'm gonna have to have my clothes converted
to maternity clothes and then converted back after.
"In the event of a baby over eight pounds,
lessee will reimburse leaser for vaginal reconstruction."
Hey, I was happy to have a gentleman's agreement.
You're the one who wanted to get all formal about it.
I'm gonna have to take some time to review these changes.
Sure, oh, FYI, clauses 30-49 are all vag-related,
and the last page is the before photos.
Whoa, Oreo really upped its game while I was in prison.
It's like a fat kid's fever dream.
Oh, Amy, this is my mom.
Oh, my gosh! Hi!
You're the famous Amy.
I've heard so much about you over the years,
I feel like I know you.
I'm so sorry about the divorce and how your life is going.
Oh, um, thank you.
Uh, so what brings you to the store?
Oh, she was just bringing me this shirt that she got me
that I forgot to put on this morning.
It's more professional.
And I gotta get some stuff for the party.
Do you have a Green Day-themed bouncy house?
Green Day? What happened with mermaids?
My mom thought we should go back to Green Day.
Mermaids is a little juvenile, don't you think?
Well, I mean, it is a two-year-old's birthday party,
and Chey really liked the idea...
Amy, I don't mean to be rude,
I know you've been kind of a mother figure
for Cheyenne while I've been away, but...
I'm her actual mother,
so don't you have some shelving to do or something?
Yes, sure.
Yeah, sorry.
- Okay. - Bye.
Bye.
Cinnamon bun Oreos?
[sighs]
Technology.
"I'm her actual mother."
What does that even mean?
Hard to say.
It either means she's the one who gave birth to her,
or...
that's the only thing that it means.
Well, it doesn't give her the right to just swoop in,
and start changing up perfectly good shirts,
and perfectly good parties.
I mean, mermaids is a better theme than Green Day.
Like, that's an objective fact, right?
- I like Green Day. - Really?
Name three of their songs.
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams," "Good Riddance,"
"When I Come Around."
Okay, well, those are the obvious ones... name three more.
"Basket Case," "Longview," "American Idiot."
You are a very irritating person.
I just don't think that you should butt in.
You... you butt in all the time.
That's why your butt is so big.
"Welcome to Paradise."
"Wake Me Up When September Ends."
I love Green Day.
I've never really hired a lawyer before.
But I just wanted to make sure everything
Dina put in was kosher.
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
I'm sorry about using the word "kosher."
That wasn't a comment on your religion.
Oh, I'm not Jewish.
Okay.
I don't mind, though.
Well, is it basically okay?
Yeah, mostly there's just a couple small, little nitpicky
things that might be worth discussing with Dina.
Oh, okay. I could go get her right now.
Yeah.
I'll bring in a bagel and a smear.
Again, I am not, uh...
You know what? An onion bagel would be great.
Onion bagel.
Do you think Green Day is a mistake?
Well, you know, I-I don't want to butt in, or...
But yes, I do, it's crazy. Cuckoo bananas, makes no sense.
You think mermaids would be better?
Yes, 100%, I think you should do mermaids.
Look, Chey,
you don't have to do everything your mom tells you to do
just because she's your mom.
I just... I have a hard time standing up to her.
She never listens to what I want.
Well, you just gotta sit her down, and tell her,
"I am a grownup. I make my own decisions."
You want me to brag about you to my mom?
Uh-uh.
[stammers] Sorry.
You would say you were a grownup,
you make your own decisions.
She knows she's a grownup.
Why don't we go talk to her together?
Okay.
- Okay. - All right, yeah.
I was reading about our Airbnb,
and it said that the toilet is sensitive,
so maybe don't flush your baby wipes.
Yeah, of course, totally.
Um, hey, earlier, uh, when you were talking about
how you believed in angels,
you meant, sort of, like a general, ineffable
sense of spiritual presence, right?
Not... not like magical little creatures flying around?
What, you mean like fairies?
Yeah, I mean, I...
- Oh, no, no, I'm not a child. - Okay, all right, okay.
Okay, I was just... I was just checking.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah, no, by angels, I meant like regular-sized,
celestial beings who look out for us.
Right.
Right, yeah, but not... not with, like, with halos and wings.
No, they have halos and wings, they're angels.
Right.
Okay, cool, yeah, no, I was just, um...
I was just checking, so.
Are they goat? Are they dog? I don't know what they are.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys! - Shh! Shh!
Two chupacabra sightings,
two remote Mexican villages,
same exact description.
And you know those people don't have the Internet.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay, I'm sold.
I'm putting it in real.
You know what should be in mythical?
A man who knows where the G-spot is.
Justine,
contribute, or leave.
It's the third time you've made that joke.
Oh, so now, we're lawyering up, is that it?
No, no, no, no. Bruce is a friend.
He's here to help us.
It's more like we're "friending" up.
I'm not here to make anything contentious.
I just want to make sure
there's no misunderstandings down the road.
See? He's a nice guy.
So, as I understand it,
you both mutually agreed to this surrogacy, so...
- Mm-hmm. - If you were to fail to honor
your agreement, we would be forced
to go after you with extreme prejudice.
Wait... [stammers]
Go after me?
I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear.
Um, we would sue you for every penny that you're worth.
We would own you, 'cause you mess with Glenn Sturgis,
you get the horns!
Okay, this is not... this is not what we talked about.
So you either sign this contract,
or we're gonna bury you under so much paperwork
you're gonna need a machete
to get from your bedroom to your bathroom!
Well, the joke's on you, because I keep a machete
in every room in my house.
Okay, we're losing the magic
of the journey that we're going on together.
Sign the contract, Ms. Fox. You sign it!
You want to come after me, Glenn?
- No. - Well, bring it on.
And as for you, I have a cousin at the Bar Association,
so you better pray to God your CLE credits are up to date.
Well, I think that was a nice opening bid.
Oh, is this whitefish?
Do you believe in angels?
Uh, which answer leads to no follow-up questions?
Kelly believes in 'em.
Like believes believes, you know?
It's like wings and halos and harps.
Well, I didn't ask about harps, but I assume...
So she believes in angels. Who cares?
I don't care, no, I just... [scoffs]
I just think it's interesting, you know,
I mean, I don't believe in angels,
but if she wants to believe in angels,
then I respect that, you know?
Doesn't bother me.
Is that something you think would bother you?
Maybe, I don't know. Hey, when do you guys leave?
Because I'm about to order a 22-foot sub,
and I'd prefer to keep it intact,
so one end has to start in your room.
So there are a couple issues.
Wow, that's complex.
That is [bleep] complex.
Um, your daughter is trying to have a conversation
with you, so if you could put the cookie down,
and try to engage meaningfully...
I'm so sorry, I was just recently in couple's therapy,
and that just popped out.
All right, I'm engaging meaningfully.
I don't want to do a Green Day party.
I thought I asked you to mind your own business.
This is all Cheyenne, I'm just here for support.
But she agrees with me, okay?
Green Day is dumb.
And you know what? I'm not going to college.
What? Huh? No, we didn't talk about that.
Cheyenne, you're going to college.
No, I'm not.
Just 'cause you're my mom doesn't mean that
you get to tell me what to do.
Right, Amy?
Um, I mean, in general, that seems true...
See? She agrees.
I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions.
And so, I'm gonna buy a motorcycle,
or, I don't know, a monkey, maybe both.
Um, could we just quickly go back to the college thing...
You don't get to tell me what to eat, either!
So if I want to eat peyote,
I am gonna eat all the peyote I want.
And I'm getting a full-sized back tattoo
of the raccoon from "Guardians of the Galaxy,"
okay? 'Cause I love that movie, and...
[upbeat music]
♪
[alarm blares]
So you're saying reindeers actually exist,
like, in the real world?
We had a reindeer in the store on Christmas.
I didn't think it was a real reindeer.
I thought it was a normal deer
with antlers nailed to its head.
Oh, I don't think leprechauns should be in the real column.
Who knows, though, right?
- What? - What are you doing?
Is this still about the angel thing?
- Hm? - Look, I get it.
I mean, it must be hard to believe in angels
if you've never seen one first-hand.
Wait, you've seen an angel?
- Sure have. - When?
Shh! When?
Well, um, when I was five,
I fell into the indoor pool
at the Silver Dollar City Ramada Inn.
- [gasps] - And I mean,
I sank like a brick.
And I remember thinking I'd never seen my parents again.
When suddenly, this figure appeared.
Did he have wings?
He did have wings.
Knew it. I knew it.
And he sort of was like floating above me,
as if to say, "You're safe now."
Next thing I know, I'm back in our hotel room,
dry as a bone.
Oh!
Wow.
That's real. [Relieved laughter]
Is it possible that the figure was floating
because he was, you know, in a pool?
I know what I saw.
Yeah, and I believe that you believe that you saw that,
but you were also deprived of oxygen for a little while...
Why are you doing this?
Because he's jelly of your peanut butter.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm not... I'm not jelly, no.
I just... I just think, you know, maybe what you saw
wasn't, um, an angel.
Maybe what you saw was just a pasty hotel guest in a robe.
Yeah, maybe.
Mm-hmm. Maybe I'll consider that
when I'm home this weekend, alone.
Whoa, whoa, what are we talking about, now?
Trouble in paradise.
Have you been in the break room all day?
Yeah, I'm just not feeling it today.
Look, I'm sorry, I did not know that
she was gonna say those things.
All I said to her was that she should be able
to make her own decisions. But I am not her mom.
And if someone told my daughter not to listen to me,
well, then, I would be pretty upset.
So, I am sorry.
I just get so worried
she's gonna make the same mistakes I did.
- Yeah. - I get so scared
she's gonna end up in jail,
or still working here when she's our age.
Uh, yeah, I don't...
I don't know that those two are exactly equivalent.
I don't know which is worse.
Jail, probably.
Well...
Hey, what do you think about Bo?
Uh, I think he is an interesting individual.
I think he's a loser.
Clown. I mean, "clown"
is the first word that comes to mind.
When I think of him, like,
I half expect my hand to buzz when he shakes it.
I don't think clowns do that any more,
but that's very funny.
You're funny.
Hey.
Dina, I know things got a little heated...
Listen, I apologize if I overreacted.
Oh, thank God. Me too.
The things is, I'm gonna go have sex
- with Marcus in a few minutes. - What?
What?
That's the special project you needed help with?
Sweet!
- Why would you... - There's just an attraction
there, I can't deny it,
blah, blah, blah, the point is,
maybe I get pregnant, maybe I don't.
Who knows?
So this could be all booked up.
No room at the inn.
You can't do this.
Oh, I am going to with zero protection.
Zero?
Amy and I think you need
to start getting serious about your life.
So now you're on her side?
No, I'm not on anyone's side.
I just agree with her on this stuff.
So, now I think it's time for you to engage meaningfully.
You gotta be responsible, and part of being responsible
means getting rid of Bo.
Wait, what?
He's a loser, Amy and I both agree.
You do?
No, uh-uh, I did never call him a loser.
Sorry, I think I'm the one who called him a loser.
Amy called him a clown.
I don't... I don't know how this is productive.
How about we get back to the college...
I can't believe you guys.
Amy and I are on the same page about this one.
I felt like that went so well.
She is so attached to Bo.
Yeah, they are married.
The same rules as last time?
No kissimg, no eye contact, I leave as soon as you're done?
We're not sleeping together.
That was just a negotiation tactic with Glenn.
Oh, right.
Of course. Smart.
I mean, if someone actually cared,
it could be super hurtful, but it's not me.
Dina, I'd like you to meet my new surrogate.
She's ready to rock.
Isn't that right, Sandra?
Yeah, I'm really excited.
And I have no problem signing all the paperwork,
so let's do it.
Sandra, mm-hmm. You're gonna go with Sandra?
Mm-hmm.
You are gonna leave your baby at the mercy of a person
whose judgment is so bad she moved from Hawaii
to St. Louis?
Yes, I am.
And as soon as I give Sandra the shot,
our deal is over.
Fine, good.
Marcus!
That was just foreplay, all right?
We're about to get this thing going!
Sandra, lift your shirt.
Marcus, take off your shirt!
Fair warning, I still have a bit of a Thanksgiving paunch
I'm working off. All right, this is happening.
Oh, oh, oh, well, you know what else is happening?
This thing over here! Yeah, look at this!
Here we go!
- Take this off! - Come on, go, go, go!
Guys, guys, guys!
You both know what you're doing, so stop pretending!
Glenn, you obviously don't want to use Sandra.
Of course I don't want to use Sandra.
Who would want to use Sandra?
You think I want to have sex with Marcus?
He starts every time by saying,
"I'm not really sure what I'm doing down there."
Oh, sorry for being honest.
Well, both of you clearly want this, so just get over it.
Fine with me.
All right.
So...
I guess we should go back to work.
Are you hitting on me?
I honestly... I can't tell anymore.
[laughter]
Hey.
Hey, join us.
So you two are getting along.
Yeah, we worked it all out.
Good, good.
See? All it needed was a little bit of communication...
Amy, we're gonna need you to engage meaningfully
for a minute.
I'm sorry, what?
Shh! You're not engaging.
Look, I love you, but sometimes,
you give a little bit too much advice.
Like, telling me how to spend my money,
or that my yearbook quote shouldn't be,
"Catch me outside, how 'bout that?"
Yeah, I was just saying that yearbooks are permanent.
You're pushy, you're manipulative,
and you were super mean about Bo.
Ooh, are you burning Amy? I got a good one.
Your hair. Boom.
That was harsh.
I don't know, man, I mean, today it's angels,
tomorrow it's, let's go ghost hunting.
Look, man, Kelly is cool, she's fun,
you guys should go away together.
Yeah, well, maybe we will. Just not this weekend.
No.
You have something special,
and you're gonna throw it all away
'cause she sees an angel or two?
Are you just saying this because
you don't want to miss out on your epic gaming weekend
- with Randy? - Screw the weekend!
This is about you and an amazing woman
that I don't want to see slip away.
Okay, you can drop the cheesy Rom-Com routine.
Jonah, the world is a lonely place.
Now, when two people find love, they need to celebrate...
Ironically, the content of everything
you're saying is true,
but you don't need to... to dress it up in some...
You have a real shot at happiness,
you dumb son of a bitch.
If you don't take it, I'll never forgive you.
But more importantly,
you'll never forgive you.
Okay, I'll go talk to Kelly.
You take that shot, man.
You go to her, and you never look back!
I'm going to, but not because of this thing, okay?
You get her back.
Sorry about that, dawg. Yes, we are back on.