Okay, honey, have a good day at the office.
- Tell everyone hi for me. - Mom. It's been a week.
Are you sure you don't want to come back?
The newsroom's been so quiet without your phone blasting
"La Cucaracha" every time you get a text.
It's for the best. Plus, if I was working,
I wouldn't be able to drive you to work or pack you a lunch!
Mom. I'm 31 years old.
I don't need... Lunchables! Sweet!
Oh, and I've gotten to reconnect with
all my New Jersey friends.
I've missed so much gossip.
Okay, did you know that Angie's brother's plumber
is dating Linda's sister's dog walker?
- Oh, that's nice. - How is that nice?
They're brother and sister!
- Mom. - Mm-hmm?
I think maybe there's another reason
why you don't want to come back.
People didn't take you seriously
at "Morning Wined Up,"
and now you're down on yourself.
Honey, don't worry about me.
I'm fine. I got a lot going on.
Oh. It's Angie.
She just wants me to know "The View" isn't on yet.
Okay. Still not on.
Hmm. There you go. Still not on.
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
So, obviously, because of the lawsuit,
the network has put some restrictions
on what stories we can run.
However, the show must go on, so... who has pitches?
How about an investigation
into high-frequency trading on Wall Street?
Too risky.
Diana!
What about an investigation
into how nice it is to get a card on your birthday?
Hello, Diana. What brings you here?
I have some exciting news.
We've reached an agreement with Fenton Pelt,
and he's willing to drop the lawsuit.
That's terrific!
His only stipulation is that Chuck read
a prewritten statement at the end of tonight's show
and retire from news forever.
Oh. Wait.
Does this mean he'll never work again?
Or worse, host a podcast?
Well, he has no choice.
Fenton already sent out invitations
to his post-revenge nacho party.
- Robert, up. Up, Robert. - _
I said up, damn it!
Okay, Robert... down.
It... okay.
But maybe there's a way we can fight back.
I'm still trying to track down Anthony Lyon,
Pelt's old business partner.
Now, I know he's from New Jersey,
so I did a search on Anthonys in New Jersey,
and there's only 17 million of them.
There's no time for investigations.
Either Chuck Pierce retires on the show tonight,
or else "The Breakdown" is off the air for...
- Dude. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you guys watching that?
- Hey. You wanted to see me? - Yes.
I'm sorry it took so long, but I want to be with you.
I've already talked with Cat, and...
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, you guys didn't break up.
Oh, no. Quick, how do you take a kiss back?
What I was gonna say was, I have talked with Cat,
and although we have not yet broken up,
I have begun the process.
I've scheduled a "we need to talk" coffee
where I will plant the seeds of dissatisfaction
in the relationship, which,
after two or three conversations,
will flower into a wonderful breakup.
Okay, you know what?
This feels like Groundhog Day.
That's what I call the day my school took a field trip
to a slaughterhouse and I saw a hog get ground up.
It was kind of a bad day.
Katie, I want us to be together.
I just have to be careful with Cat.
She's an actress,
so who knows how she'll take it:
screaming, crying, a one-woman show
where she talks to Joan of Arc about my penis?
Mm.
Hello?
I'm Chuck Pierce?
I'm supposed to be on the show tonight?
- Chuck? - Justin!
Oh, I missed that face!
Oh, my beautiful boy.
So, um... Chuck.
What've you been up to?
All kinds of stuff.
I sat on a lot of benches.
I looked out all the windows in my house.
I even went to an apple orchard.
It's not apple season,
but I thought the trees might enjoy some attention
in the other parts of the year.
Very cool.
So, uh, what's your plan for tonight, Chuck?
What's my plan? Why, to go on the air
and retire in shame, of course.
Why else would I be here, you knucklehead?
Boop.
Thanks for coming to rehearsal, Chuck.
I have the statement Fenton Pelt wrote for you.
Maybe we should talk it over first.
Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
Okay, well, whenever you're ready.
I'm Chuck Pierce, and I'm more trash than man.
Fenton Pelt, however, is a brilliant young genius,
and I made up lies about him and his businesses
because I was jealous.
This will be my final broadcast.
If you ever see me on the street,
please tell me I suck, and mush gum in my hair.
Good-bye. Was that okay? I can do it faster.
Chuck, you can't say that on air.
- Why not? - What has gotten into you?
Don't you want to fight back?
I did. It didn't work. Fenton won.
And to be honest, I'm glad he did.
Being suspended really forced me to ask myself the question,
why am I even doing this?
Why did I get into news in the first place?
And to be honest, I couldn't remember.
Well, I do remember why I got into the news.
I remember it like it was yesterday...
Really? When was it?
I just told you. It was yesterday.
Greg? How come there's nothing in tonight's show
about how Nazis just opened
a theme restaurant in Times Square?
Diana won't let us do anything politically charged
because of the lawsuits.
But what about journalistic integrity?
I thought this was America!
Wait. Who said that?
Oh, my God.
Do I, like, care?
I realized something, Chuck.
All that stuff you've been saying over the years
about truth and principles wasn't just dialogue
from your unproduced screenplay, "Sex Man."
The news is important,
and I want to be a real journalist...
because of you.
Oh, Portia. I'm so proud of you.
So you won't read that statement?
Oh, no, I'm gonna read it.
But the men's group I just joined
has a Granddaughter Day event coming up.
Would you care to accompany me to an all-egg breakfast?
Any luck finding Fenton Pelt's business partner?
Not really.
Hmm. Well, I have some news.
Cat and I are officially broken up.
Oh. Oh.
Okay, yeah, so... So how'd she take it?
She broke up with me. Before I could say anything,
she told me she was leaving me for Mr. Mistoffelees.
Not the character from "Cats."
Just a really old rich man named Alistair Mistoffelees.
Okay, so, let me see.
You didn't actually... what's the phrase
I'm looking for here... do anything?
Exactly. Thank God I waited it out.
Just imagine if I had to actually break up with her.
How uncomfortable.
Is something wrong?
No, I just, um...
this isn't how I pictured this moment happening.
Okay. This is a cultural thing.
You're American, so you have an expectation
for some grand romantic gesture,
but British romance is different.
We prefer a more reserved, dignified display of affection.
Like in "The Duchess' Mule" when Lord Hestershire gets
the governess Nancy's uncle released from debtor's prison.
She thanks him silently,
then he says...
"One does what one can."
Could be that.
Hey, Chuck!
- Carol! - Ah!
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Are you back on the air?
Very much not.
I'm taping my last show tonight.
Retiring for good.
What?
Now, you listen to me.
Being a newscaster is what you were born to do.
You can't give up just because of a setback.
Well, you quit your job.
But you're the great Chuck Pierce.
I'm horse plop on a farmer's boot.
Yet, here we both are.
Look at us, with our visitor passes.
Just two stupid quitters waiting to die.
Anyway, great seeing you.
Okay.
Hey, Katie!
I realized I forgot dessert for your lunch,
so I brought you some salted caramel meatballs.
Oh, thanks, Mom. You didn't have to do that.
They're from a little place in Toms River
I found out about from my roofer
who lives in Teaneck, but he splits a rental
down the shore with this disgraced cop.
I'm trying to find this source, okay,
I really don't have time to hear a meatball origin story.
So he introduced me to his cousin Georgio,
a really disgraced cop in Piscataway
who's always talking about these meatballs.
Mom, you know everyone in New Jersey, don't you?
Not everyone!
I did have brunch a couple of times with Ray Liotta,
but it was a big group, and we never sat
very close to each other.
Ooh!
Hey!
- Carol! - Hello!
Everybody, I think I found a way to save the show.
One of my mom's superpowers is her ability
to connect herself
to every person in New Jersey by six degrees.
It's true, I can sometimes do it in four
if I use Angie twice.
Anthony Lyon is from New Jersey!
Guys, she could help us find him!
Now, wait, wait, that sounds like work.
Okay, I quit being an intern, remember?
Mom, please, you've gotta know somebody
who knows somebody who knows this guy.
Chuck needs you.
He's lost his entire sense of self.
It's like when he got his face painted at the fair
and thought he was Leopard Man.
- Come on, Carol. - Please, Carol.
Okay, just one last job before my retirement!
Oh, that sounds like that movie.
Oh, gosh, what's it called?
- "Ocean's Eleven." - No.
- "Carlito's Way." - No.
- "True Grit"? - "The Perfect Storm."
- "Heat." - No.
Oh! Wait, I remember.
I was thinking of an Eggo commercial.
Okay, if you want to find anyone in New Jersey,
the first place you go is the gabagool shop.
- Hey, Steve! Hey, how you doin'? - Good.
Listen, this is my daughter, Katie.
And she just has a question to ask you.
Yeah, um, we were wondering,
do you have any information about a man named Anthony Lyon?
Huh...
You know, when we lived in Parsippany,
there was a Lyon family who went to Our Lady
of the Divine Heart of Mary Mother of Our Hearts.
Ask Sister Patrice.
Thank you, Steve. Okay, good, come on.
We got a lot of New Jersey to cover.
Okay, Mom, it says take a right here.
It's gonna be the next... Your next right.
Your next right. This right. This right!
That we're pa... okay.
You know what the one thing about her is?
She does not understand...
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!
Whoo! Ha!
Hey, Angie!
Hey, girls!
Okay, it feels like we could've started here.
We just hit a deer.
Anthony's been in hiding for years.
I would never tell a stranger his whereabouts.
But anything for Angie's cousin's nun's
deli man's friend.
This is his mother's address.
Hey! You were sitting four people away from me at brunch.
- Yes! - You didn't pay your bill.
Run!
You know, it's funny.
This is what I always pictured working together would be like.
You and me, cracking stories, like Rizzoli & Isles.
At least, I think they're reporters.
You know, watched every episode.
Didn't understand it.
Does it make you maybe want to come back?
No. I'd just mess everything up.
I wasn't that great at being an intern.
I shouldn't have meddled with you and Greg.
No, Mom, you were not the problem.
I don't know what it is, but something's just off.
Yeah, well, you just never had your moment,
when he did something to show he cared,
and you just knew he was the right guy.
So you don't think I'm just being picky?
You know what being picky is?
Knowing you're good enough to deserve something great.
Chuck, you don't have to read that statement.
Katie and Carol are working on a way to keep you on the show!
I admire your chutzpah,
which I believe is Jewish for "a good body,"
but the show's in an hour.
Even if I wanted to stay on the air,
there's no time.
But I found something that could buy us time.
I did a journalism.
I was reading through your contract
to see if they could legally force you to retire.
And it turns out they can.
Also, apparently, you have to sing a jingle
every time someone mentions Lay's potato chips.
♪ Make 'em Lay's, make 'em Lay's ♪
♪ Make 'em La-a-ay's ♪ Chht!
But you also have a clause in your contract
that on your last show,
they have to let you say your piece.
Oh, that's right.
I requested that after Brokaw's last show.
He never got a chance to say how he really felt...
That the greatest generation was actually
kind of stupid and racist.
As long as you keep talking, they can't end the show.
That's how we're gonna buy time
for Katie and Carol
to get the dirt on Fenton Pelt!
- That's amazing. - So you're in?
Oh, no. Sorry.
I was just thinking about this crocus
I saw on my walk.
Fine, you know what? Forget it.
Since you obviously don't care about your legacy anymore,
I guess you wouldn't mind if I destroy your trophies,
like your News Emmy for Clunkiest Segue.
Or your Kid's Choice Award for Oldest Person.
Portia! You're scaring me!
Then run away, you coward!
Hey!
Woodrow Wilson!
- What? - I remember.
I remember why I got into news!
Ms. Mallory!
Look what they're doing!
Did you do this?
Yes! Punish them.
I love to tattle!
That's why I got into news, because journalists
are the greatest tattletales of them all!
Does this mean you're back?
Cram it, sister, I'm in the middle of my speech.
He's back.
Okay, everybody. Grab your snacks.
Chuck Pierce is about to publicly debase himself.
Good turnout tonight.
Martin Shkreli?
The eviler Koch brother?
Oh, no. This is so embarrassing.
My clone is here.
Fenton. Hey!
D-d-d-don't. Don't look. Don't look.
On a sad note, tonight will be
my final broadcast, but not before...
I've said my piece.
I'd like to begin by naming every single person
who never believed in me.
Alison Abrams. Alison Abramson.
Alison Abramson Jr. Kofi Annan.
Stall, man. Stall like the wind.
Hi. Are you Anthony Lyon?
- Yeah? - Great. I'm a reporter.
- I don't talk to reporters. - Why?
Okay, that's all the memories I've ever had.
Where are Katie and Carol? He's dying out there.
They're coming. We just need to give them time.
Well, he's running out of things to say.
Quick. What are all the topics we avoid
because Chuck won't shut up about them?
Today's music.
People that are more famous than he is.
Discrimination against the small-footed male.
Exactly! Go, go, go!
Uh, so, therefore,
I personally believe that our education,
like Africa and, uh, Iraq...
_
Uh, sandwiches are too crazy!
Oh, don't get me started on that.
Sliced pear on a sandwich?
For what reason?
He has been blathering for hours!
What do you mean, he can go on as long as he wants?
Well, do something.
People are leaving my amazing party!
Hey! This was so fun!
I'm gonna jet.
Okay.
He said he doesn't talk to reporters.
We're screwed.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
Ugh, well, on the bright side, the wind's picking up,
so the Jersey stench will be on our backs
on the ride home.
Wait a minute, you're not a reporter!
- Maybe he'll talk to you! - Oh, no.
Mom, you have to convince him to be on the show.
You're our only hope.
I can't, Katie.
I'll screw it up like I screw up everything.
Why do you keep saying stuff like that?
Seriously, you had one little setback,
and now you're just giving up on yourself?
I don't get it!
You're always building me up when I need it.
Oh.
It's because you don't have a you.
Moms are always making everyone else feel
like they can do anything, but who does that for moms?
It used to be Oprah.
But now her show's off the air.
I haven't read a book or had a favorite thing
in seven years.
Okay, what do you say to me every time I want to quit?
Quit? You're amazing.
And what do you say to Chuck whenever he's down?
"Don't you give up. You're the great Chuck Pierce."
Okay, so what do you say to Carol right now?
You are a no-good good-for-nothing!
Short! Bad bangs!
No, Mom! No.
Look. Carol needs you.
What do you say to her?
I know you want to quit.
There's a voice in your head that keeps telling you
you're a failure and you shouldn't even try.
Do not listen to that voice.
You listen to mine.
You are brave,
and you're amazing.
You are the great Carol Wendelson...
and you've got this.
Good job.
Now, go get 'em, pumpkin.
And that's why, when you buy a gift certificate
at Red Lobster during an endless shrimp promotion,
endless shrimp should apply
whenever you use the gift certificate.
We're gonna need a new topic.
- _ - That's the last one.
This... ends... now.
Or else my lawyers do the legal equivalent
of turning your butts inside-out.
For my next topic,
uh, my next topic is, uh...
No, no. We don't have anything.
Oh, uh...
I have, uh, no more t-topics.
I've said everything I could possibly think of,
and I just wish I could think of more,
because I don't want to retire
and leave these people,
people who've done everything that they could
to help me tonight and every night.
People like Justin,
who sits on my feet when I'm cold,
and Greg, who always makes me look smart,
even though I've been diagnosed
as a medical idiot,
and Portia,
who's not the reason I got into the news
but she's certainly the reason I stayed in.
I love them all.
Well, too bad.
Because I just bought your local police force,
and they're on their way to murder all of you right now.
Wait!
What is going on?
Okay.
And now, joining us
for the seventh hour of the show,
Anthony Lyon, former business partner
of billionaire entrepreneur Fenton Pelt.
Anthony! Who did this?
I did.
I gave him an inspirational speech
about how he should be brave and come forward.
I also told him his NDA expired
and he could say whatever he wanted.
- Mom, is that true? - I don't know.
What's a NDA?
I founded an electronics company
with Fenton Pelt in 1991.
Around the same time,
I reconnected with my biological father.
After two of the best years of my life,
my dad fell ill and needed a kidney transplant.
Of course, I offered.
When I woke up from the surgery,
Fenton Pelt revealed that he had pretended
to be my father all along
and threw my kidney in a lake!
He told me that if I didn't sign
all of our patents over to him, that he would shoot me.
And when I agreed, he shot me anyway!
You'll regret this.
I'm gonna spend my life suing you,
24 hours a day, 13 days a week!
That's right. Rich people get six extra days.
Okay! But are you gonna sue them?
_
Or them?
_
- Or... - _
Okay, well, I guess not them.
Gah!
Fenton Pelt has dropped his lawsuit
and fled to everything rehab in the Super Hamptons.
Chuck, your suspension is lifted.
Welcome back.
Great, looking forward to tomorrow's show.
And Carol, I understand that you played
an important role in making this happen,
so I think it's time you got a paying job.
What? Really?
Honestly, Carol, it wasn't my idea.
You steal from petty cash, and your entire jacket
is tucked into your underwear right now.
But one of your superiors threatened to quit
if I didn't promote you.
Anyway, nice work, everyone.
- Hey! - All right!
You did that, didn't you?
- I... - Thanks, pumpkin.
Oh!
You did that, didn't you?
You threatened to quit to get my mom a job.
One does what one can.
I just gave birth in the stairwell.
Where the hell were all of you?