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00:00:02,030 --> 00:00:04,164
You ever feel like
every day of your life
2
00:00:04,166 --> 00:00:06,333
has been leading up to one moment?
3
00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:08,868
- [Pachelbel's "Canon in D Major" plays]
- The wedding of the century,
4
00:00:08,870 --> 00:00:11,805
live on "Morning Mimosa!"
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[Gasps] Look how
nervous the groom looks.
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Hayley: Wait. This is a hamster wedding?
7
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Oh, here comes the bride.
8
00:00:18,747 --> 00:00:20,280
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays]
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She's radiant,
10
00:00:21,650 --> 00:00:25,185
like Kate Middleton
at Westminster Abbey!
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00:00:25,187 --> 00:00:26,753
This is so stupid.
12
00:00:26,755 --> 00:00:28,722
This show is all fluff, no substance.
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00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:31,024
Your mom prefers fluff.
It makes her happy.
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00:00:31,026 --> 00:00:32,993
But there's so much real news out there.
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I feel like I get all I need from
"Morning Mimosa!"
16
00:00:35,764 --> 00:00:37,530
and I start my day with a smile.
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And that smile takes me
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all the way to my 4:00 p.m. OxyContin.
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You need to expand your mind.
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There's a lot of real news out there,
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- but you need to seek it out.
- [Door closes]
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Seek the truth.
The truth will set you free.
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Hey, who are you?
24
00:00:51,446 --> 00:00:53,246
Mom needs to get out of her bubble.
25
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And end up like you?
26
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Look what real news has done to you.
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- Excuse me? Sir?
- Those scowl lines.
28
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Mom looks 20 years younger than you.
29
00:00:59,655 --> 00:01:01,021
- Sir!
- 20 years younger?!
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Wha... I'm 19!
31
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Trish:
I now pronounce you hamster and wife.
32
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Hayley, I have something to tell you,
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but it can't leave this room.
34
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Last weekend,
I was at that hamster's bachelor party
35
00:01:11,933 --> 00:01:13,833
in Key West, and he...
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Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm betraying his trust.
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He was not faithful.
38
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You missed my birthday dinner
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for a hamster bachelor party?
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[Patriotic music plays]
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
44
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♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
45
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
46
00:01:44,066 --> 00:01:46,499
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
49
00:01:52,441 --> 00:01:55,542
[Birds singing]
50
00:01:55,544 --> 00:01:57,444
Welcome to Conspiracy Con!
51
00:01:57,446 --> 00:02:00,180
Will you be paying with
untraceable bitcoin or...
52
00:02:00,182 --> 00:02:02,248
a big jar of filthy change.
53
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Nice. Keepin' it O.G.
54
00:02:03,719 --> 00:02:06,086
Now, here's your badge and
two pumps of deer urine
55
00:02:06,088 --> 00:02:08,288
to repel Bigfoot... and a little CK One
56
00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:11,091
because now you smell like piss.
57
00:02:11,093 --> 00:02:13,026
Roger, who are these people?
58
00:02:13,028 --> 00:02:15,095
They're here for Conspiracy Con.
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00:02:15,097 --> 00:02:17,664
They're truth seekers
looking for a safe haven
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00:02:17,666 --> 00:02:19,199
from our corporate overlords.
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Trust no one...
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except Verizon's 4G Network.
63
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I may have let a few
corporate overlords in.
64
00:02:24,673 --> 00:02:26,906
Lizard people have
infiltrated everything...
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the government, sports,
even Tinsel Town!
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00:02:29,878 --> 00:02:31,010
Elizabeth Taylor?!
67
00:02:31,012 --> 00:02:33,413
You mean "E-lizard-beth" Taylor?
68
00:02:33,415 --> 00:02:34,647
Ryan Gosling?
69
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Very lizard.
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[Gasps]
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00:02:36,985 --> 00:02:38,752
They don't talk about any of this stuff
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on "Morning Mimosa!"
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Paper towels are just tall toilet paper.
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00:02:42,691 --> 00:02:44,991
Is that man okay?
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00:02:44,993 --> 00:02:47,894
Better than okay.
He's got the "truth twitch"!
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00:02:47,896 --> 00:02:51,030
Right now he's seeing
the world as it truly is.
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I can help you see the truth, too.
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Are you about to sell me drugs?
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No. I need my drugs.
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[Birds singing]
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Snot, this is gonna be
so amazing for you.
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[Laughs] As if.
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Of course I'll help!
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Got it. "Chesterbrook..."
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00:03:10,285 --> 00:03:11,885
- [Receiver clicks]
- Were you about to write
86
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,753
"Chesterbrook Townhouses"?
87
00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:15,188
Uh... yeah.
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Snot's mom is dating this guy,
Del, who lives there.
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And get this...
he invited them to move in!
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00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:22,562
Del sounds like a catch, bro.
91
00:03:22,564 --> 00:03:26,699
Chesterbrook is high end...
nice landscaping, tennis courts,
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communal pool with tons of noodles.
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Uh, you can help them move with me.
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00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,539
Oh, hell yes!
95
00:03:32,541 --> 00:03:35,008
I've been dying to get a peek
inside a Chesterbrook unit.
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But, remember, we're there for Snot.
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Steve, I am deeply offended.
98
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Have I ever not been there for Snoot?
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[Birds singing]
100
00:03:47,151 --> 00:03:49,219
Francine. Celery?
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Those better be giant gummy celeries,
102
00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:52,899
or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.
103
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Sorry, I didn't get
to the market yesterday.
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Stan, you'd tell me
if you were a lizard, right?
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Okay, I'll bite.
106
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,008
What in God's name
are you talking about?
107
00:04:02,010 --> 00:04:04,777
Roger's hosting Conspiracy
Con in the attic.
108
00:04:04,779 --> 00:04:06,279
That's what's going on up there?
109
00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:09,015
I assumed those creeps were
here for a Roger sex thing.
110
00:04:09,017 --> 00:04:12,485
Don't beat yourself up, Stan.
We're also having sex.
111
00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:15,355
The electro-radiation
booth's running low on foil.
112
00:04:15,357 --> 00:04:17,724
[Chuckling] Those guys
use it for everything.
113
00:04:17,726 --> 00:04:21,961
The condoms hurt like hell,
but I'm not ready to be a mother.
114
00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,530
Francine, there are no conspiracies.
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They're all fake junk.
116
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But what about George Soros controlling
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00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:30,937
the Federal Reserve from
an underground bunker?
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00:04:30,939 --> 00:04:33,106
Shh! Francine, he's Jewish.
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That's what he should be doing.
120
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He's helping us.
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You're all worked up over nothing.
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Oh, look! Almost time for
someone's favorite program.
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"Morning Mimosa!"?
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Mwah. That's right.
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Just sit back and let
gentle morning infotainment
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fill your head.
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Trish: Up next,
what our frisky newlywed hamsters
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can teach you about
pleasing your lover in bed.
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Ooh! Stan! You forgot your lunch!
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Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me.
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Francine, if you're going to the store,
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pick me up some Plan B and a magnet.
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In honor of the "Great Snot" moving in,
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I took the liberty of
stocking the fridge.
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Specialty sodas?
136
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Damn!
137
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Cucumber? Toasted marshmallow?
138
00:05:19,421 --> 00:05:22,388
Hey, look,
they take all the eggs out of the carton
139
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and put them in the little
egg spots in the door.
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That's the Chesterbrook difference.
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[Applauds]
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And the final stop on the grand tour...
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your new bedroom!
144
00:05:38,373 --> 00:05:40,239
Del wanted to convert his home office,
145
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but I thought it might get
noisy next to our bedroom.
146
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Me have sex with the Great Snot's mom?
147
00:05:48,383 --> 00:05:52,051
Uh, yes please.
148
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Del seems great.
149
00:05:53,455 --> 00:05:57,190
He is. It's just...
Isn't it a little depressing
150
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living in the basement?
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00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:00,226
- [Whap!]
- Are you serious?
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You have been given a finished basement.
153
00:06:03,064 --> 00:06:06,099
It's like a blank
canvas to be awesome in.
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Just imagine...
air-hockey table, Jamaican flag,
155
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and an Aerosmith mirror
some older brother won
156
00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:15,608
at a carnival ring-toss before
he died in a car accident.
157
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You know, the classic basement!
158
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,014
I guess that does sound cool.
159
00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:22,949
Who cares if you think
it's cool, shithead?
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It's for the ladies!
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00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:27,520
They can't resist the
power of a sweet basement.
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Then you add music,
maybe something like...
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♪ I tried so hard ♪
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♪ Unt got so far ♪
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♪ But in ze end ♪
166
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♪ It doesn't even matter ♪
167
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♪ One thing, I don't know why ♪
168
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,505
♪ It doesn't even matter
how hard you try ♪
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♪ Keep that in mind ♪
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♪ I designed this rhyme
to remind myself ♪
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- ♪ How I tried so hard ♪
- ♪ I tried so hard ♪
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00:06:51,112 --> 00:06:52,545
♪ In spite of the way
you were mocking me ♪
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00:06:52,547 --> 00:06:54,180
♪ Acting like I was
part of your property ♪
174
00:06:54,182 --> 00:06:56,282
- So, I guess...
- ♪ Remembering all the times ♪
175
00:06:56,284 --> 00:06:57,884
- ♪ You fought with me ♪
- ...I'll go get the stuff.
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00:06:57,886 --> 00:07:01,788
- ♪ I'm surprised it got so far ♪
- ♪ It got so far ♪
177
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:05,258
Trish, Sues,
emergency production meeting onstage!
178
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,161
[Indistinct conversations]
179
00:07:08,163 --> 00:07:12,231
Shh! The executive producer
is approaching the stage.
180
00:07:12,233 --> 00:07:15,701
So, I'm head honcho,
and I still have to open my own doors?
181
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,070
Sorry, sir. Y-Your coffee?
182
00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:18,738
It's too late. You're fired.
183
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,239
[Sobbing]
184
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:22,041
Wait. Gimme that coffee first.
185
00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:24,010
Damn. All right, team.
186
00:07:24,012 --> 00:07:26,412
Most of you know I took over
"Morning Mimosa!"
187
00:07:26,414 --> 00:07:28,347
when I realized I could
use it to protect my wife
188
00:07:28,349 --> 00:07:30,839
from the harshness of the real world.
189
00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:34,287
Why did Stan come here?
190
00:07:34,289 --> 00:07:36,389
Unfortunately, Francine was exposed
191
00:07:36,391 --> 00:07:38,257
to some scary ideas yesterday,
192
00:07:38,259 --> 00:07:40,259
so we're gonna need
to turn up the fluff.
193
00:07:40,261 --> 00:07:42,361
I'm talking cute animals,
I'm talking makeovers,
194
00:07:42,363 --> 00:07:44,464
I'm talking 2-year-olds who break-dance.
195
00:07:44,466 --> 00:07:48,534
Because if we don't,
I fear her ignorant, fragile mind and...
196
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:51,070
if I'm being honest...
her backwoods sensibilities
197
00:07:51,072 --> 00:07:52,972
will be thrown into upheaval.
198
00:07:52,974 --> 00:07:54,507
- [Metal clatters]
- Francine?!
199
00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:58,611
Uh, you all know my brilliant,
stable wife,
200
00:07:58,613 --> 00:08:01,247
the sheer essence of
continental sophistication?
201
00:08:01,249 --> 00:08:04,417
You told me conspiracies were fake junk,
202
00:08:04,419 --> 00:08:08,988
but... but I'm in a conspiracy.
203
00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,892
And, Stan, you put me there.
204
00:08:12,894 --> 00:08:15,328
This isn't a conspiracy. I'm, uh...
205
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:17,096
I'm doing all these people.
206
00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:18,731
It's just an orgy.
207
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,032
See?
208
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,553
What exactly did you hear?
209
00:08:28,555 --> 00:08:31,255
That you have been secretly running
210
00:08:31,257 --> 00:08:34,859
"Morning Mimosa"
for years to keep me in a bubble!
211
00:08:34,861 --> 00:08:36,861
And to also provide a reliable lead-in
212
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:39,530
for "The Young and the Restless."
213
00:08:39,532 --> 00:08:41,165
I can't trust you.
214
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:43,801
I can't trust anything.
215
00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:47,138
The bubble... has burst!
216
00:08:49,642 --> 00:08:50,642
_
217
00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:52,276
[Laughs] Nice.
218
00:08:52,278 --> 00:08:55,413
Whoa-ho-ho! Cool room, sport!
219
00:08:55,415 --> 00:08:58,583
Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I mean "Del."
220
00:08:58,585 --> 00:09:01,953
No, it's okay. You can call me "Dad."
221
00:09:01,955 --> 00:09:03,788
- [Sighs]
- All right, Pops.
222
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,389
Back upstairs.
223
00:09:05,391 --> 00:09:07,225
- Want to play darts?
- "Darts"?!
224
00:09:07,227 --> 00:09:09,393
I didn't pimp this
basement to play darts.
225
00:09:09,395 --> 00:09:11,863
I know. It's your make-out castle.
226
00:09:11,865 --> 00:09:14,432
Palace. And it's not mine. It's Snot's.
227
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:17,768
What we need right now is to
get some babes in this castle.
228
00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:19,470
See, you did say castle.
229
00:09:19,472 --> 00:09:21,009
Go get girls!
230
00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:25,810
[Laughter]
231
00:09:25,812 --> 00:09:28,946
[Laughs]
232
00:09:28,948 --> 00:09:31,749
I know they say it's
a dog-eat-dog world,
233
00:09:31,751 --> 00:09:33,251
but this is ridiculous.
234
00:09:33,253 --> 00:09:35,086
Good thing no one heard that.
235
00:09:35,088 --> 00:09:36,587
[Gasps] Francine!
236
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:38,156
How much did you hear?
237
00:09:38,158 --> 00:09:39,991
Conspiracies are real, Roger.
238
00:09:39,993 --> 00:09:41,526
I can trust no one.
239
00:09:41,528 --> 00:09:43,761
Would ya' look at that?
240
00:09:43,763 --> 00:09:45,630
Got yourself a "truth twitch"!
241
00:09:45,632 --> 00:09:47,932
I can see so clearly!
242
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:50,268
My eyes are finally open!
243
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:54,038
Oh, good.
So you can feast those peepers on this.
244
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,072
The spliiiits.
245
00:09:59,746 --> 00:10:03,147
All right, there's a group
of babes by the Noodle Chest.
246
00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:05,383
Work your magic.
247
00:10:05,385 --> 00:10:07,418
Whew, it's warm out here!
248
00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:12,757
Would you girls like to cool
off in a cold, dark basement?
249
00:10:12,759 --> 00:10:15,193
[Laughs] I'm sorry.
250
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,562
What my friend meant to say is
251
00:10:17,564 --> 00:10:21,098
you girls'll fit in real
nice with the other treasures
252
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,748
in his basement.
253
00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:26,037
Aah!
254
00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:28,673
Beat it, pervs.
We're going to my uncle's
255
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,107
so he can take pictures of us...
256
00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:33,467
Tasteful nudes to launch
our modeling careers.
257
00:10:35,615 --> 00:10:39,817
[Eerie music played on synthesizer]
258
00:10:39,819 --> 00:10:43,120
Broadcasting live via
short wave from a little RV
259
00:10:43,122 --> 00:10:46,691
on planet truth, this is...
"Truth Planet."
260
00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:52,830
[Playing Laura Branigan's
"Self Control"]
261
00:10:52,832 --> 00:10:55,733
First of all,
I want to say hello to the government
262
00:10:55,735 --> 00:10:57,568
if you're listening...
of course they are...
263
00:10:57,570 --> 00:11:00,671
and a quick shout-out to Stamps.com
264
00:11:00,673 --> 00:11:02,340
for sponsoring the show.
265
00:11:02,342 --> 00:11:04,809
Soundboard: Show me the money.
266
00:11:04,811 --> 00:11:08,079
Today, we're going
to sit down with legendary
267
00:11:08,081 --> 00:11:10,147
Yeti hunter, Randy Ojai.
268
00:11:10,149 --> 00:11:13,784
But first,
are we really safe in our homes?
269
00:11:13,786 --> 00:11:16,020
Truth bomb.
270
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:18,256
[Explosion]
271
00:11:18,258 --> 00:11:19,690
Take your kitchen.
272
00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:23,160
Toasters... what do we really
know about them?
273
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:25,663
Does the bagel button do anything,
274
00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:28,299
or does it just put you on a list?
275
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:31,168
Shabbat shalom.
276
00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:33,604
You think you're safe in the bathroom?
277
00:11:33,606 --> 00:11:34,939
Think again!
278
00:11:34,941 --> 00:11:36,874
We all bring our phones in there!
279
00:11:36,876 --> 00:11:41,145
The government hacks your
camera and boom, they gotcha.
280
00:11:41,147 --> 00:11:44,615
Hook, line, and stinkerrrr!
281
00:11:44,617 --> 00:11:47,285
[Toilet flush]
282
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:49,020
- [Knocking at door]
- Stan: Francine!
283
00:11:49,022 --> 00:11:50,521
Come on, Francine!
284
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,857
I know you're upset I
was controlling your mind
285
00:11:52,859 --> 00:11:54,158
with "Morning Mimosa."
286
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,926
And I know it hurt to
find out your husband
287
00:11:55,928 --> 00:11:57,361
has six Daytime Emmys.
288
00:11:57,363 --> 00:12:00,231
Wait, are you jealous
of my monster success
289
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:02,466
in the notoriously
fickle 11:00 a.m. slot?
290
00:12:02,468 --> 00:12:03,934
Well, you should be flattered.
291
00:12:03,936 --> 00:12:06,537
I may have dedicated all
six Emmys to my lawyer,
292
00:12:06,539 --> 00:12:08,773
the brilliant, ruthless Irwin Klein,
293
00:12:08,775 --> 00:12:10,825
but I won them for you!
294
00:12:13,146 --> 00:12:14,545
Klaus: No babes?
295
00:12:14,547 --> 00:12:16,881
I've got this basement
pulsating with power,
296
00:12:16,883 --> 00:12:18,683
and you're wasting it, Steve!
297
00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:19,750
Gah!
298
00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:20,918
[Crash]
299
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,420
Everything okay down here?
300
00:12:22,422 --> 00:12:27,058
Oh, you turned this into a
darling little rumpus room.
301
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:29,226
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
302
00:12:29,228 --> 00:12:31,062
Gosh, I haven't been
in a basement like this
303
00:12:31,064 --> 00:12:33,431
since high school.
304
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:36,233
[Journey's "Lovin',
Touchin', Squeezin'" plays]
305
00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:40,518
Ooh, this song. It really takes me back.
306
00:12:43,242 --> 00:12:45,643
Did I ever tell you about the summer
307
00:12:45,645 --> 00:12:49,780
I went on tour with
a Journey cover band?
308
00:12:49,782 --> 00:12:52,316
This is literally the
first time we've met.
309
00:12:52,318 --> 00:12:55,219
Mmm, air hockey?
310
00:12:55,221 --> 00:12:57,188
No thanks. I don't feel like playing.
311
00:12:57,190 --> 00:13:00,758
Aw, you're gonna make me
play with myself?
312
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,628
♪ Lovin', touchin', squeezin' ♪
313
00:13:04,630 --> 00:13:07,098
Oh, no. The basement has her.
314
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,232
Listen to me.
315
00:13:08,234 --> 00:13:13,938
We must leave this place right now!
316
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:18,442
♪ When I'm alone ♪
317
00:13:18,444 --> 00:13:20,077
♪ All by myself ♪
318
00:13:20,079 --> 00:13:22,513
[Muffled] Oh, boy.
319
00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:26,417
Why so glum, chum?
320
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:28,753
My wife found out I was using
"Morning Mimosa!"
321
00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:30,154
to control her mind.
322
00:13:30,156 --> 00:13:32,890
Marriage... it's a real tightrope walk.
323
00:13:32,892 --> 00:13:34,592
Did you mention your Daytime Emmys?
324
00:13:34,594 --> 00:13:35,993
No, I like to play that cool.
325
00:13:35,995 --> 00:13:38,028
And now she doesn't
believe anything I say.
326
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:40,965
She's embraced all these
crazy conspiracy theories.
327
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,167
UFOs and Bigfoot.
328
00:13:43,169 --> 00:13:44,335
Yeah, and she's blabbing about them
329
00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:45,936
on some crackpot radio show.
330
00:13:45,938 --> 00:13:47,705
Today she was going on
about how the government
331
00:13:47,707 --> 00:13:50,408
is watching us poop
through our cellphones.
332
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:53,144
And she's broadcasting
this on the radio?
333
00:13:53,146 --> 00:13:55,079
I have to walk to my office now.
334
00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:56,915
Goodbye. Don't follow me.
335
00:13:58,232 --> 00:14:00,618
Project Toilet Cam has been compromised.
336
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:03,788
We need to eliminate Francine Smith.
337
00:14:03,790 --> 00:14:05,156
[Phone beeps]
338
00:14:05,158 --> 00:14:08,826
[Moaning, whistling]
339
00:14:08,828 --> 00:14:10,494
[Laughs]
340
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:13,597
This bank of monitors reminds me of
"The Brady Bunch."
341
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:18,235
Except all these people
are taking craps, not just Alice.
342
00:14:21,542 --> 00:14:25,544
[Video game beeping, gunfire]
343
00:14:25,546 --> 00:14:27,380
I can't believe no one's ever tried
344
00:14:27,382 --> 00:14:29,248
stretching the zombie gun over here!
345
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:30,383
The other one's getting away!
346
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:31,984
Yank that Sea-doo over here.
347
00:14:31,986 --> 00:14:34,320
Let's run this [bleep] down.
348
00:14:34,322 --> 00:14:35,488
Sir?
349
00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:38,457
Okay, are you in position
at Dave & Buster's?
350
00:14:38,459 --> 00:14:40,693
Yes, sir. Stan is distracted and happy.
351
00:14:40,695 --> 00:14:42,828
You are clear to eliminate Francine.
352
00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,029
Excellent!
353
00:14:44,031 --> 00:14:46,132
And I only mean that professionally,
354
00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:48,501
not because I derive
some sexual pleasure
355
00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:50,102
from killing my friend's wife,
356
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,071
as you're so heavily implying.
357
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:53,973
[Phone beeps]
358
00:14:53,975 --> 00:14:56,842
I needed something like this
to forget about Francine.
359
00:14:56,844 --> 00:14:59,245
Wait, you told him
Francine's getting whacked?
360
00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:00,813
Shut up, dumb-ass!
361
00:15:00,815 --> 00:15:01,914
What the hell is going on?
362
00:15:01,916 --> 00:15:03,916
Dick's buying me more nachos.
363
00:15:03,918 --> 00:15:05,151
No, with Francine.
364
00:15:05,153 --> 00:15:07,527
[Sighs] Bullock put a hit on her.
365
00:15:07,562 --> 00:15:10,089
My wife's getting killed,
and I'm at Dave & Buster's?
366
00:15:10,091 --> 00:15:11,624
We were trying to protect you!
367
00:15:11,626 --> 00:15:14,527
I don't need to be protected.
I can handle bad news.
368
00:15:14,529 --> 00:15:15,428
[Gasps]
369
00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:16,929
- We got to stop him!
- Whoa!
370
00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:18,497
- [Music plays]
- Announcer: At Dave & Buster's,
371
00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:20,299
we've got the slippinest-slidinest
372
00:15:20,301 --> 00:15:21,967
nachos in the world!
373
00:15:21,969 --> 00:15:23,869
Mm-hmm.
374
00:15:23,871 --> 00:15:25,346
Don't eat 'em!
375
00:15:27,241 --> 00:15:28,808
[Sighs] It's too bad we didn't get any
376
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:31,177
sweet-ass girls to come
down to the basement.
377
00:15:31,179 --> 00:15:32,611
The girls will come.
378
00:15:32,613 --> 00:15:37,049
For now,
I've got a sweet-ass man I can call Dad.
379
00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:39,221
That's a very mature observation.
380
00:15:39,256 --> 00:15:41,754
I think Del's already having
a great effect on you.
381
00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:43,489
[Panting]
382
00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:45,458
We need to get the [bleep] out of here!
383
00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:47,359
Del: I take you into my townhouse,
384
00:15:47,361 --> 00:15:49,495
and this is how you repay me?!
385
00:15:49,497 --> 00:15:51,130
Mrs. Lonstein: It's not my fault, Del!
386
00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:53,032
[Tearfully] It was the basement!
387
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:56,001
- What did you do?
- [Screams]
388
00:15:56,003 --> 00:15:57,436
Phew, thought this was a gonner.
389
00:15:57,438 --> 00:16:00,406
All right.
Let's beat it before security gets here.
390
00:16:00,408 --> 00:16:02,408
[Tearfully] You ruined it!
391
00:16:02,410 --> 00:16:06,979
You ruined it when you
sat on that fish's face!
392
00:16:06,981 --> 00:16:09,114
What's happening, Steve?
393
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:14,153
[Sobs]
394
00:16:14,155 --> 00:16:17,723
Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!
395
00:16:17,725 --> 00:16:20,025
♪
396
00:16:20,027 --> 00:16:23,562
Let's keep it simple.
Kill Francine on three.
397
00:16:23,564 --> 00:16:25,231
One, two...
398
00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,332
Stan: St-o-o-o-o-p!
399
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:29,401
Leave my wife alone!
400
00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:32,738
[Wheels squeaking]
401
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:33,873
I won!
402
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,175
For the last time, I wasn't racing you
403
00:16:36,177 --> 00:16:38,639
and I clearly passed the mailbox first.
404
00:16:38,674 --> 00:16:39,512
Sir, please...
405
00:16:39,514 --> 00:16:42,848
Smith, I don't want to go to
war with you and your goons!
406
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:45,384
This is between me and
the woman who uncovered
407
00:16:45,386 --> 00:16:46,719
Project Toilet Cam.
408
00:16:46,721 --> 00:16:49,121
Compromising photos of
people on the toilet
409
00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:51,390
are the greatest ass-et [snickers]
410
00:16:51,392 --> 00:16:53,359
we have against terrorism.
411
00:16:53,361 --> 00:16:54,727
What? I don't follow.
412
00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:57,129
Think, Smith.
What's the most embarrassing
413
00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:59,098
thing you don't want anyone to see?
414
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,799
You leave my children out of this!
415
00:17:00,801 --> 00:17:03,269
Remember the time you ate poached salmon
416
00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:05,271
from an Amoco gas station?
417
00:17:05,273 --> 00:17:07,540
[Moaning]
418
00:17:07,542 --> 00:17:09,508
Delete that! I'll do anything you want!
419
00:17:09,510 --> 00:17:12,077
This is why I'm not worried about ISIS.
420
00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:13,512
Sir, we've searched the premises.
421
00:17:13,514 --> 00:17:14,947
There's no sign of Francine Smith
422
00:17:14,949 --> 00:17:17,182
or the Winnebago she
was broadcasting from.
423
00:17:17,184 --> 00:17:19,485
All right team, regroup at the CIA.
424
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:22,488
We'll pick her up on satellite.
She can't hide for long.
425
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:26,692
Release the satellite!
426
00:17:26,694 --> 00:17:27,760
Great job!
427
00:17:27,762 --> 00:17:30,029
Guys, I talked to the hunchback,
428
00:17:30,031 --> 00:17:31,664
and he's been feeling isolated.
429
00:17:31,666 --> 00:17:34,733
Could you maybe make an effort
to be a little nicer to him?
430
00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:37,236
Charles! Come over here!
431
00:17:37,238 --> 00:17:39,204
Here's a fresh herring for everyone.
432
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:40,839
Please, feed it to the hunchback.
433
00:17:40,841 --> 00:17:45,711
So, did everyone
catch the game last night?
434
00:17:45,713 --> 00:17:47,146
Mm.
435
00:17:47,148 --> 00:17:48,347
I see you looking.
436
00:17:48,349 --> 00:17:50,952
It's okay to ask about the hump.
437
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:55,187
Hmm. One day.
438
00:17:55,189 --> 00:17:56,755
Roger, we got to find Francine!
439
00:17:56,757 --> 00:17:58,757
Oh, she gon'! When someone that paranoid
440
00:17:58,759 --> 00:18:01,160
takes off,
they always head right off the grid.
441
00:18:01,162 --> 00:18:02,828
A grid runner.
442
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:05,230
The first thing she'll do is hide
443
00:18:05,232 --> 00:18:06,665
in a communication dead zone.
444
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:08,601
Needle in a haystack, Stan.
445
00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:11,637
That's the nation's most
comprehensive 4G network.
446
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:13,839
This ain't Cricket Wireless
we're talking about.
447
00:18:13,841 --> 00:18:15,407
Verizon's the big dog.
448
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:16,842
Big dogs got to eat.
449
00:18:16,844 --> 00:18:19,011
Is Verizon paying me to say any of this?
450
00:18:19,013 --> 00:18:20,479
There!
451
00:18:24,518 --> 00:18:28,787
I'm down to one bar. Spread out.
452
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:31,290
[Phone beeping]
453
00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:33,759
No signal. I'm off the grid.
454
00:18:33,761 --> 00:18:38,263
Aah!
455
00:18:38,265 --> 00:18:39,398
Huh.
456
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,500
Francine, we need to leave!
457
00:18:41,502 --> 00:18:43,135
The CIA is coming to kill you!
458
00:18:43,137 --> 00:18:46,038
I'm supposed to believe you're
telling me the truth now?
459
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,874
Look, I'm sorry I didn't think
you could handle the real world,
460
00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:50,909
and for executive producing
a hit daytime show
461
00:18:50,911 --> 00:18:51,944
to hide it from you.
462
00:18:51,946 --> 00:18:53,579
Because I'm too fragile?
463
00:18:53,581 --> 00:18:55,047
That's what I told myself.
464
00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:57,349
But when the guys did it to me today,
465
00:18:57,351 --> 00:18:58,984
I realized they were being selfish,
466
00:18:58,986 --> 00:19:01,787
just keeping me happy to
make their lives easier.
467
00:19:01,789 --> 00:19:03,789
What were they hiding from you?
468
00:19:03,791 --> 00:19:05,491
The fact that the CIA's gonna kill you!
469
00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:07,426
So one of my theories was right!
470
00:19:07,428 --> 00:19:09,828
- Which was it?
- It was the toilet cams.
471
00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:10,896
Really?
472
00:19:10,898 --> 00:19:12,798
Not that Papa John and Peyton Manning
473
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,300
had a sexual relationship for 17 years?
474
00:19:15,302 --> 00:19:16,635
[Helicopters approaching]
475
00:19:16,637 --> 00:19:19,747
Bullock: Francine Smith,
surrender yourself!
476
00:19:19,782 --> 00:19:22,374
Look, I shouldn't be trying
to shield you from things,
477
00:19:22,376 --> 00:19:23,942
no matter how bad they are.
478
00:19:23,944 --> 00:19:26,812
I should be getting through
them with you... together.
479
00:19:26,814 --> 00:19:28,981
How are we gonna get through this?
480
00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:30,916
- Do you trust me?
- I do.
481
00:19:30,918 --> 00:19:32,718
Great. Now,
I know this is your bear trap
482
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,420
so I don't want you
to take it personally
483
00:19:34,422 --> 00:19:35,954
when I say that I hate it.
484
00:19:35,956 --> 00:19:37,456
It feels awful.
485
00:19:37,985 --> 00:19:40,958
Hold your fire! I'd to propose a deal!
486
00:19:40,993 --> 00:19:41,794
Of course.
487
00:19:41,796 --> 00:19:45,950
Kindly step out of the line of
fire to the negotiating area.
488
00:19:48,135 --> 00:19:50,069
Aah!
489
00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:55,040
N-o-o-o! Francine!
490
00:19:55,042 --> 00:19:57,309
What have you done?!
491
00:19:57,311 --> 00:19:59,278
I saved America!
492
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:04,683
Take the weekend to grieve!
493
00:20:04,685 --> 00:20:05,851
Mmm.
494
00:20:05,853 --> 00:20:07,686
This isn't part of the plan.
495
00:20:07,688 --> 00:20:09,755
No one's gonna believe
I'm Francine's corpse
496
00:20:09,757 --> 00:20:11,423
unless they see us having sex.
497
00:20:11,425 --> 00:20:14,226
All right, that's enough.
498
00:20:14,228 --> 00:20:15,661
Let's make a deal.
499
00:20:15,663 --> 00:20:18,831
From now on, no more lies between us.
500
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,266
Right. And no more conspiracies.
501
00:20:21,268 --> 00:20:23,969
Well, one more conspiracy.
502
00:20:26,373 --> 00:20:29,241
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
503
00:20:29,243 --> 00:20:32,244
I can't believe Stan brought
a date to his wife's funeral.
504
00:20:32,246 --> 00:20:33,846
What a baller!
505
00:20:35,516 --> 00:20:37,950
Yeah, and he certainly has a type...
506
00:20:37,952 --> 00:20:41,406
Blonde, beautiful, and named Francine.
507
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,582
And now, the Chesterbrook Quartet
508
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,846
will perform Dead
Francine's favorite song.
509
00:20:48,605 --> 00:20:52,101
[Playing Linkin Park's "In the End"]
510
00:20:55,745 --> 00:20:57,090
♪ It starts with ♪
511
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,466
♪ One thing! ♪
512
00:20:58,501 --> 00:21:00,267
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
513
00:21:00,268 --> 00:21:02,268
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com