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What'd you do, nephew?
Mickey, l didn't do it.
They think I stole Miss Crandall's Golden Apple.
But I didn't. No one believes me.
It's unfair!
Oh! Are you kidding me, Gibbons?
This guy rather be a stripper 'cause I refuse to believe
you called the cops on a seven-year-old.
He's not a stripper...
It's a separate matter.
Is that a real gun?
It better be or I'm in trouble.
Cool. Can I play with it?
No, you may not, but if it's okay with your mom,
I'll let you turn the lights on in my cruiser.
Can I, Mickey?
Sure, if you don't mind getting bacon grease on your fingers.
- I don't mind. - Okay.
Come on. Hurry up.
GIBBONS: Thank you for coming.
- The reason we called you... - Oh, yeah.
Ben, Ben brought me up to speed.
You're having a full-blown meltdown over missing fruit.
- Well, not exactly. - Let me save you the trouble.
- He didn't do it. - Unfortunately,
one of Ben's classmates claims that she saw him take it.
Even if he did take it, who cares?
Miss Crandall cares.
The Golden Apple is a teaching award
- given annually to the... - [SNORING]
Very mature.
[LAUGHING]: Look, Gibbons, I got a Granny Smith
rolling around in the back of my car; she can have that.
[SIGHS] Ms. Molng, I...
I have a thousand other students at this school,
one of whom was just arrested
with a backpack full of illegal contraband.
And yet, here we sit discussing inedible apples.
The point being, ever since you showed up,
far too much of my bandwidth
has been taken up with your family.
Oh, I see.
This was never about Ben, was it?
This is about you and me.
- This is about you. - And me.
Look, either get your house in order,
or perhaps the Pembertons
should continue their education elsewhere.
Consider it a warning.
Warning considered.
Oh.
[BEEPING]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[SIREN WHOOPING]
[OVER SPEAKERS]: Hi, Mickey.
Got something for you.
Pop that in your mouth.
We'll be back in a couple hours to turn you over.
- I'm sorry? - You should be.
Your principal's a real knob, you know that?
Hey. Pay attention to me.
His school's crawling with cops
and he's having a panic attack over missing produce.
Cops? What cops?
Some kid got caught with a bag of dope or something.
They nabbed McCormick. Boo-yah!
Suck on that, you frickin' pusher.
Why are you so excited?
- 'Cause I ratted him out. - You what?
He was throwing a rager for the formal after-party.
He had Molly, booze, fireworks, the whole shebang.
So you ruined the party?
- Uh-huh. - God, you are such a coward.
Eh, doesn't bother me, but with McCormick out of the way,
that crown is as good as mine.
- What crown? - Formal prince, you know.
It's like prom king, but for junior high.
I've been picking off all the other nominees one by one.
[LAUGHING]: I put eye drops in Aaron Sustata's milk,
so he'd crap himself during assembly.
And then I started a rumor that Tim Deegan
had his ribs removed so he could swallow himself.
You know, Madison Prescott, she's obviously
- a shoo-in for princess. - Obviously.
And once that crown is mine,
she'll be trapped with me all night.
- Don't say trapped. - Call it what you want.
Point is, she won't be able to escape.
[MICKEY GROANS]
[SABRINA PANTING, GRUNTING]
Oh, my God.
♪
- [MICKEY LAUGHING] - [SHRIEKS]
[LAUGHING]
Do you ever knock?!
[GASPING]
Oh, Sabrina.
What are you doing?
Get out of my room.
Is this about that dance?
I thought you were better than that.
- Get out. - No.
Look, if you want to learn how to dance,
I-I think I have someone who can teach you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Jimmy. - Oh, screw you.
His mom was a choreographer for the Ice Capades.
- Yeah, right. I don't believe you. - All right.
Believe whatever you want.
I'm gonna go.
Just real quick, before I do,
can you please do that again?
- Get out! - Oh!
NARRATOR [IN FILM]: Many of the GIs passed the time away
from the battlefield smoking opium
and visiting local prostitutes.
I hope you put a bag on it, you dirty old man.
ALBA: Mickey.
We got a problem. I was doing Ben's laundry...
Well, hold on a second. You still do laundry?
Look at this.
[GASPS]
- I can't believe Ben lied to me. - Mm, believe it.
- He's never lied to me before. - That you know of.
- I mean, why would he do that? - 'Cause he doesn't respect you.
There's got to be some explanation.
Mm. There is. He thinks you're an idiot.
Stop that.
He-He probably just got scared.
Right? That's what kids do.
They think all grown-ups are narcs.
Whoa. I ain't no narc.
We just got to do that
proverbial bump of cocaine with him.
What, you got coke?
No. Proverbial coke.
Well, what does that mean, like primo?
Primo? What?
Y-You're confusing me.
I'm getting all crossed up.
Just follow my lead.
Hey.
You busy?
[SIGHS] What can I do for you, Sabrina?
Mickey said that you're some sort
of dance expert or something?
Ah, she did, did she?
[SCOFFS] That's nice of her.
Anyway, there's this dumb school dance and I was just
wondering if maybe you could,
like, teach me or something.
[INHALES] First, tell me why.
I just told you why.
I need to learn how to dance.
Let's talk facts.
Fact: You're Sabrina Pemberton,
arguably the coolest girl in Lockwood history.
You going to this dance flies
in the face of everything you stand for.
So I'll ask you one more time, Sabrina...
[BELCHES]
why?
Fine.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be me?
To be beautiful and smart and popular?
Well, as a matter of fact...
You do not.
People take one look at me
and they think they know exactly who I am.
Well, screw that.
I want to do something that nobody sees coming.
So I am going to that dance.
And I'm taking the power back.
What the hell is this?
10:00 a.m. tomorrow,
and not a minute late.
Patience, my sweet Madison.
- Soon we'll be togeth... - Heads up!
[SHRIEKS] Ow! [GROANS]
Uh, crud, did I get ya?
Yeah, you did, Farble.
Where's your frickin' spatial awareness?
Dude, I called "heads up."
What were you gawking at, anyway?
Nothing. I was just...
What the hell is going on over there?
FARBLE: You didn't hear? Elliott Saputo
broke his neck wakeboarding.
He may never walk again.
Dang.
That's a frickin' tragedy.
Everyone's rallying to get him elected formal prince.
You know, give him the sympathy vote, lift his spirits.
No, no, no, no, they can't do that.
Nominations closed a week ago.
He can't even frickin' dance.
Actually, my dad's an Army medic,
so he sees this kind of stuff all the time...
Yes, I know, Farble. I was at assembly
when he FaceTimed the school from Iraq.
Then, as you know,
the mental obstacle is the toughest one to overcome.
A positive support system can go a long way.
Yeah? How's this for support?
[EXHALES]
- [GASPING] - [SCREAMS]
Oh, my God! Help!
- Somebody help him! - FARBLE: Chip.
Hello?
Farble, I'm gonna...
I got to...
[GROANS]
- Hey, Bento Box! - [ALBA CHUCKLES]
We got a surprise for you.
Whoa. Is that for me?
ALBA: Oh, you bet.
Looks proverbial, doesn't it?
Okay.
Here, go ahead. Dig in.
- Cool. - MICKEY: Yeah. It is cool.
And speaking of cool,
you know you can trust us, right?
Yeah. Hey, we got your back, no matter what.
Yeah. So, are you sure you don't know what happened
to your teacher's apple?
Haven't seen it.
You don't think maybe you could've taken it?
Even if it was just by accident?
No. Mm.
Okay. Okay.
You swear to God you do not know where it is?
I swear to God I don't know where it is.
Ben, swear on my life you didn't take that apple.
I swear on your life I did not take that apple.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
Screw this.
Going somewhere?
You've been in there this whole time?
I wanted to see how committed you were.
Jimmy, you just wasted half the day.
Then I guess we better stop bitching and start dancing.
[SIGHS]
What is this place?
Let's set some ground rules.
First, you don't tell anybody about this place
- or what goes on here. - I have no idea
- what goes on here. - [SNAPS FINGERS] Good.
- Let's keep it that way. Rule two... - Jimmy,
I don't care about your rules, okay?
I just want you to teach me a couple of moves
so I don't look like a total ass.
That's not how it works, okay?
We need to bring your soul to the surface.
Because somewhere deep inside you,
there's a glowing ember, and we...
[BLOWS] are gonna blow on it
till it explodes into a brushfire.
This was a waste of time. I'm out of here.
Oh, there she goes, clomping away on her two left feet.
What the hell did you just say to me?
Nothing. Just that your mother would be proud
that you're carrying on the tradition
of talentless Pemberton broads with no rhythm.
[GASPS]
Now, what do you say we quit screwing around and get to work?
- [GROANS] - Get your fat ass off the floor
and show me first position.
[DOOR SLIDES SHUT]
["THE ONE THING" BY INXS PLAYING]
♪
♪ Well, you know just what you do to me ♪
♪ The way you move ♪
♪ Soft and slippery ♪
♪ Cut the night ♪
♪ Just like a razor ♪
♪ Rarely talk ♪
♪ And that's the danger ♪
♪
♪ It's the ♪
♪ One thing ♪
♪ You are ♪
♪ My thing. ♪
♪
[SONG ENDS]
[IMITATES PLANE ENGINE]
We gotta move, now!
- What's going on? - What's going on is
that the cops are on their way to arrest you
for stealing Crandall's apple.
But I didn't steal it.
I already told you that. I swear.
Oh, yeah? Then what's this?
Yeah, the jig is up. You are going to jail.
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.
Ben! Ben! Focus! Okay, focus! Listen to me, right here!
You have exactly ten seconds to grab everything you care about.
But that's not enough time.
- Eight seconds! - [BEN WHIMPERING]
- Where are we going? - Mexico. How's your Spanish?
- Not great. - Well, you'll pick it up.
Right, Alba?
Yeah, no...
[SPEAKING SPANISH RAPIDLY]
[CRYING]: Please don't make me go.
I don't want to be Mexican.
I'm sorry I took the apple. I won't lie anymore.
[BEN SOBBING]
Okay. Okay, buddy.
Come on. It's okay.
Hey, we were just messing with you.
So, what do you think? Did you learn your lesson?
Yes. I took the apple. I admit it.
And every night I tell you I brush my teeth,
but I don't... I just wet the toothbrush and stand there.
And last night at dinner, when it smelled,
and you asked who farted,
it was me... I made a fart.
I make lots of farts. I'm so sorry.
Is that it?
What the hell, Ben?
Where'd you get all this stuff?
I took it from the policeman's car.
[MICKEY SIGHS]
- [ALBA GASPS] - Oh, God.
I'm sorry. I'll give it back.
No, no.
If anyone asks you about this, you lie.
- But you said not... - I said lie!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're just gonna stay calm.
Right? And let's just hold still.
Okay? What did I just say?!
Back up! Back up!
Back your asses up! You, too, Ben.
Give me some space while I think. All right?
I-Is this thing loaded?
- Oh! Ooh, ooh. - ALBA: Ooh...
- Okay, that's fine, - Oh. [WHIMPERS]
because the bullets and the gun together,
very dangerous.
But bullets and guns separate, very safe.
Right? We're safe. And Alba's going to
- throw 'em in the trash. - [WHIMPERS]
Guys, I'm proud of us. We stayed calm.
And because nobody panicked,
- we are all safe. - [GUNSHOT]
- I'm shot. - [BEN AND ALBA SCREAMING]
Oh, I shot myself.
- It got me. - [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Make a note... there's always one in the chamber.
I'm gonna call 9-1-1.
No, no, no, no, no. No, put that down.
I'll just tie it off for a few days
till we can find the right vet.
An-And look-look on the bright side,
now we know it's not loaded.
- CHIP: What the frick was that? - Oh!
Act normal. Act normal.
[GROANS, SIGHS]
Hey...
- Chip, everybody. - ALBA: Yeah.
Hey, what was that noise? Sounded like
a gunshot or something.
ALBA: No...
Definitely no noise down here whatsoever. No.
What's, uh...
what's going on with Ben?
You know, I-I bet him five bucks
he couldn't keep his face like that for an hour.
- Well, good luck with that. - [MICKEY GROANS]
- Anyways, I'm off to the formal. - Oh.
Gonna put the final nail in Saputo's coffin.
Dude thinks he can wheel away with my girl?
- [MICKEY SCOFFS] - Think again.
What a dumb kid for thinking that.
Yeah. I'm gonna plant a bunch of fake ballots on him
so it looks like he tried to hijack the crown.
Oh, clever. Clever.
Hey, don't wait up.
Probably gonna crash at Madison's.
Yeah, definitely gonna happen. Okay.
- ALBA: Hey. [LAUGHS] - [MICKEY PANTING]
- MICKEY: Is it bad? - ALBA: Oh, wow.
- It's... [GASPS] - How bad is it?
[ALBA MOANS]
What?
[GROANS] Thank you. Very helpful.
I'll do it myself.
[SCREAMS]
[SHUDDERING BREATHS]
- [BEN WHIMPERING] - All right.
We got to dispose of the evidence.
- What's this? - _
No, no. No. No, no, no.
That's the wrong bag. Where's the bag, Ben?
Uh, I think Chip took it.
Why didn't you stop him?!
I don't know.
It all happened so fast.
All right, we got to get the bag. Come on.
- I'm gonna need you to work the pedals. - All right.
[MICKEY PANTING]
[MICKEY GRUNTS]
- All right, let's go. Come on. - [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey. You're gonna be sore,
so I want you to rub this all over your...
Well, all right. I'll just leave...
Oh.
Ooh. "Hottest amateur action in the tristate area
on the first Friday of every month."
Don't mind if I do. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, no.
♪
CHIP: Ha frickin' ha.
Laugh it up, Saputo.
Your luck's about to run out.
Chip. Chip. Thank God.
What the hell are you doing here?
- You look like you're about to die. - I need that bag.
No way. Get the hell out of here.
Chip, I'm not feeling very well, all right?
So give me the bag before I embarrass you
in front of your whole school.
[SCOFFS] Please, you embarrass yourself.
Let go.
You let go. No!
- [GRUNTING] - [STUDENTS LAUGHING]
CHIP: Let go.
[HIGH-PITCH SCREAMING]
I got it!
No. Ben, no.
Ms. Molng, was I not clear in our meeting?
[STRAINING]: No, you were. You were clear.
I just... I... [GROANS]
I forgot to take Chip's picture.
Why are you on the floor? Wh-Whose bag is this?
You know, I think it's Elliot Saputo's.
You should check inside.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, don't check inside.
Excuse me?
You don't want to see what's inside the bag. Trust me.
[CHUCKLES] I don't trust you.
- It's my bag. - MICKEY: No, it's not.
- Shut up, Ben. - BEN: Yes, it is.
I took something, Mr. Gibbons.
Something bad.
Something that didn't belong to me.
What are you talking about, Ben?
- I'll show you. - MICKEY: No.
Ben, don't.
[MICKEY GROANING]
I know I said I didn't take it, but I fibbed.
I fibbed to you, and I fibbed to Mickey.
I'm a naughty little bad boy that deserves to be punished.
GIRL [OVER SPEAKERS]: All right, everyone.
It's about that time.
In a minute we're gonna announce
this year's Lockwood royal court.
Obviously, I'm very disappointed, Ben,
but I give you a lot of credit for owning up to it.
We'll discuss this more on Monday.
- Ms. Molng? - Hmm?
Go home.
Yep.
I don't understand. Where's...
It's still in the bag.
Oh, you are good.
No. No, you're not good.
Do you understand how hard I worked just to get here
and lose at the buzzer to a kid with wheels for legs?
Without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you
To the Prince of Lockwood:
Chip Pemberton!
[APPLAUSE]
What?
I won.
Oh, my God, I won.
I am the prince.
Son of a bitch pulled it off.
Let's go home, buddy.
[GRUNTING]
GIRL: And now, your princess.
We're so proud of the sacrifice her father makes
for our country.
Give it up for Emily Farble!
[APPLAUSE]
[QUIETLY]: Yeah.
I snagged the sympathy vote, right on.
I just want you to know that I really admire
- what you're doing. - Thanks, Bert.
Don't mention it.
And, as a feminist myself,
I think it's great.
Especially in these times.
Me Too, baby.
Me Too. Time's up.
Totally.
No, I'm serious. Time's up.
This girl can't dance to two songs in a row.
What, is she out of her mind?
Hey, that's enough now! What are we doing?!
- [RECORD SCRATCHES, SONG ENDS] - EMCEE: Show your appreciation by...
These new girls don't listen. That was terrible.
I'm embarrassed for you. I'll see you at home.
- Sabrina! - Oh.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Don't do this.
Excuse me, you're not the boss of her. Okay?
I'm her brother's father,
and you, my friend...
[BERT GRUNTS]
- [PANTING] - [SIGHS]
How could you lie to me like that?
Beat it, Jimmy. This has nothing to do with you.
And what was all the crap about defying expectation?
I'm still doing that, I'm just doing it here.
Sabrina, I'm not gonna pretend to know
what's going on in your head, okay?
Maybe you're scared, or maybe you're angry,
maybe you hate your mom
and you're doing this because she never could.
I don't know, all right? But what I do know
is that if hit that stage,
you will regret it for the rest of your life.
I am begging you,
as your friend, don't do this.
EMCEE: All right, folks, let's keep the party going.
First prize tonight
is walking out of here with $2,500.
- Amazing! Incredible! - [LAUGHS]
♪ Sensational! ♪
What can I say? I had a great teacher.
- Your cut. - Why, thank you.
God, I am so proud of you. I mean, I didn't watch,
- but the crowd was going nuts. - Yeah.
And you know, obviously, we cannot tell Mickey any of this.
Oh, I would never tell Mickey anything.
- Should we get some ice cream? - Yeah, I would love to.
[ENGINE STARTER WHIRRING, SPUTTERING]
[GRUNTS]
Well, no ice cream.
- Breakfast! - Thanks, Alba.
How are you feeling?
Pretty good.
The vet said if I was a dog, I probably would've died,
but I'm not, so I didn't.
I'm confused.
Is lying good or bad?
It's complicated. You know, the truth is,
lying is just sort of a part of life,
but important thing for us to remember
is that we don't lie to each other.
- Okay. - Well, well, well.
Good morning, your highness.
How was the rest of your night?
Frickin' amazing.
Madison and I just hooked up all night,
like I predicted.
- Right. - Uh-huh.
MICKEY: Hey. Speaking of last night, where were you?
- I didn't see you at the dance. - [LAUGHS] You know, it's like...
it's like you said. The dance was beneath me.
Why were you at the dance?
Uh, I forgot to take Chip... Hey.
Good morning, Jimmy.
How you doing?
- What? - You got in pretty late last night.
Yeah. You know, I went to the...
you know, like, all the...
What'd you do?
I-I...
[METALLIC THUDDING, ITEM ROLLING]
Golden Apple?
I'm sorry, I stole it back.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
Next time you want to steal something,
you come to me, and I'll steal it for you, okay?
Deal.