1
00:00:02,031 --> 00:00:06,311
The Missouri lottery is the
highest it's been in 20 years.
2
00:00:06,365 --> 00:00:08,295
Oh, man, I'd love to win the lottery.
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,447
Yeah, I'd stop washing
the sheets on my futon.
4
00:00:10,563 --> 00:00:12,250
I'd just buy new ones every day.
5
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,913
I'd get a bunch of vintage Jordans.
6
00:00:13,915 --> 00:00:15,848
But like, Michael Jordan's Jordans.
7
00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:17,920
I want the actual shoes off his feet.
8
00:00:17,982 --> 00:00:20,520
If I won, you would
not see me here tomorrow.
9
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,889
That is for sure. I would be taking
10
00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,790
Thursdays off from now on.
11
00:00:24,826 --> 00:00:28,261
- I'd buy a private island.
- [gasps] That's my plan too!
12
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,812
I'd go to really expensive stores,
13
00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:31,697
hoping that white women
would be rude to me,
14
00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:34,100
so I could come back with
a bunch of bags and be like,
15
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,062
a ha, big mistake.
16
00:00:36,554 --> 00:00:37,390
Like "Pretty Woman."
17
00:00:37,453 --> 00:00:39,372
I'd drop everything
and travel the world.
18
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:40,940
You know? No plans, no ties.
19
00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,492
Just me and the open road.
20
00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:45,244
So if you're ditching Kelly, dibs.
21
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:46,753
- Oh, no, I didn't...
- Yeah, no.
22
00:00:46,855 --> 00:00:49,048
Enjoy the open road. Send me a postcard.
23
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:50,833
I could probably make Thursdays work,
24
00:00:50,919 --> 00:00:52,068
if they really needed me.
25
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,486
If I won, I would resurrect
26
00:00:53,555 --> 00:00:54,887
and then own the dodo.
27
00:00:54,956 --> 00:00:57,050
I'd donate my winnings
to my favorite charity.
28
00:00:57,105 --> 00:00:59,225
They pair wounded veterans
with dogs who have been rescued
29
00:00:59,294 --> 00:01:00,633
from dog-fighting rings.
30
00:01:00,635 --> 00:01:03,190
Part of their therapy is
making art that they sell
31
00:01:03,191 --> 00:01:05,373
to raise funds
for the children's hospital.
32
00:01:05,374 --> 00:01:06,235
It's beautiful.
33
00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:13,216
I, well, I mean,
I would also give to charity.
34
00:01:13,217 --> 00:01:14,458
Yeah, I mean, that's obviously...
35
00:01:14,473 --> 00:01:15,908
Of course I'd give.
36
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,623
Not me. I'll stick with my Jordans idea.
37
00:01:17,624 --> 00:01:19,364
The island would be more of a refuge
38
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:21,837
for like, animals
or orphans or something.
39
00:01:22,585 --> 00:01:23,674
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
40
00:01:23,775 --> 00:01:25,171
[upbeat music]
41
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:28,347
Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:30,344 --> 00:01:32,794
Ooh, someone's all dressed up.
43
00:01:32,795 --> 00:01:34,429
Family court? [Chuckles]
44
00:01:34,515 --> 00:01:36,844
Oh, God, I hope it's not
family court, is it?
45
00:01:36,845 --> 00:01:39,001
No, I'm asking Glenn for a raise.
46
00:01:39,086 --> 00:01:41,160
It's just, between the divorce
47
00:01:41,161 --> 00:01:43,455
and putting money away
for Emma's college,
48
00:01:43,524 --> 00:01:46,731
and my car just started making
this, like, maaaa sound.
49
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,760
So it's like, what am I supposed to do?
50
00:01:48,762 --> 00:01:50,249
Wait a minute, are you actually nervous?
51
00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:52,991
- This is Glenn, he loves you.
- I know, it's just, like,
52
00:01:53,429 --> 00:01:56,351
makes me feel self-conscious
to ask for money.
53
00:01:56,437 --> 00:01:58,935
See, this is the problem.
Women aren't socialized
54
00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:01,073
to advocate for higher wages
despite the fact that...
55
00:02:01,141 --> 00:02:02,997
Mm-hmm, I'm going to need you
to turn off podcast mode.
56
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:03,702
Thanks.
57
00:02:04,545 --> 00:02:05,471
Fair enough.
58
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:10,423
- 3, 22.
- Oh, those are good.
59
00:02:10,424 --> 00:02:13,452
I picked random ones like 14 and 34.
60
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:14,687
Those are like, the random ones
61
00:02:14,688 --> 00:02:17,127
that no one picks, so
that's kind of a good plan.
62
00:02:17,128 --> 00:02:17,793
Okay.
63
00:02:19,026 --> 00:02:21,749
Hey, if you won, do you think
we'd still be friends?
64
00:02:22,025 --> 00:02:23,228
Chey, of course.
65
00:02:23,431 --> 00:02:24,734
You'd be my friend from my poor life
66
00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:26,147
who keeps me grounded.
67
00:02:26,406 --> 00:02:27,839
But, then again, I don't
know if I want to keep
68
00:02:27,876 --> 00:02:29,748
a poor person around,
just bumming everyone out.
69
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,514
Ugh.
70
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:33,648
We could buy our tickets together
71
00:02:33,925 --> 00:02:36,964
- and whoever wins, we split it.
- Cool, let's do it.
72
00:02:38,379 --> 00:02:39,624
Oh, my God, what if I pick
73
00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:44,255
something super out
there, like 41 or 50?
74
00:02:44,344 --> 00:02:46,285
Oh, my God, yes. You have to.
75
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:53,727
Hey, so, uh, before.
That wasn't anything, right?
76
00:02:53,728 --> 00:02:57,387
Like, of course I wouldn't just
ditch you if I won the lottery.
77
00:02:57,450 --> 00:02:59,384
Yeah, I know, I was just
giving you a hard time.
78
00:02:59,385 --> 00:03:01,736
Okay, good, yeah, yeah,
I mean, you know.
79
00:03:02,686 --> 00:03:04,269
I wasn't, like, saying what I would do.
80
00:03:04,338 --> 00:03:05,940
I was just talking, like,
wildest fantasies.
81
00:03:05,941 --> 00:03:08,851
Oh, okay, so yeah, no,
all you're saying is,
82
00:03:08,865 --> 00:03:10,582
I'm not in your wildest fantasies.
83
00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:12,444
No, no, no, no, I just meant like,
84
00:03:12,513 --> 00:03:14,803
a hypothetical world
where you're not there.
85
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,375
- So dead in your fantasy.
- No, no, no, no.
86
00:03:17,376 --> 00:03:19,734
I just meant, no,
it's like an alternate timeline
87
00:03:19,735 --> 00:03:21,669
where, like, you never
existed in the first place.
88
00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:23,396
[laughing] Okay, seriously, stop.
89
00:03:23,961 --> 00:03:25,894
I can't take this much romance.
90
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,594
Oh, hey, uh, Glenn, um,
whenever you get a chance,
91
00:03:32,595 --> 00:03:34,297
could we talk about something?
92
00:03:34,442 --> 00:03:36,676
Oh, well I have a chance right now.
93
00:03:36,729 --> 00:03:39,210
- Shoot.
- Oh, um...
94
00:03:39,781 --> 00:03:42,441
No, no, I meant like, later.
Like, in your office.
95
00:03:42,509 --> 00:03:44,548
But, or now. No-no-no, now's good.
96
00:03:44,549 --> 00:03:46,283
- Now's great yeah.
- Now, okay.
97
00:03:46,284 --> 00:03:48,658
- Uh, so...
- [both chuckle]
98
00:03:48,659 --> 00:03:50,204
Uh, as you know...
99
00:03:51,085 --> 00:03:53,652
Well, I mean, before I...
before I go there,
100
00:03:53,721 --> 00:03:56,587
I should say that I, um, [clears throat]
101
00:03:57,156 --> 00:03:59,747
Uh, I feel like, um,
102
00:04:00,172 --> 00:04:03,474
I feel like I've...
I've proven myself to be
103
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:06,907
uh, reliable, and pretty sturdy,
104
00:04:06,908 --> 00:04:10,117
Um, well, sturdy's not
really the word...
105
00:04:10,118 --> 00:04:11,970
Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
106
00:04:11,971 --> 00:04:13,955
How do these toilet stools work?
107
00:04:13,956 --> 00:04:16,241
Do you just sit down
and put your feet on it,
108
00:04:16,310 --> 00:04:18,715
or double over and
grab onto it for dear life?
109
00:04:20,398 --> 00:04:23,016
[groans] Well, that's annoying.
110
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,013
- I know, right?
- Why are you agreeing with me?
111
00:04:26,153 --> 00:04:27,419
You don't even know
what I'm talking about.
112
00:04:27,488 --> 00:04:28,196
Sorry.
113
00:04:29,008 --> 00:04:31,315
Check out this text from
Colleen at the Bel-Ridge store.
114
00:04:31,316 --> 00:04:32,580
"Biggest jackpot ever.
115
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:34,410
Wonder who's gonna
sell the most tickets."
116
00:04:34,411 --> 00:04:35,932
[scoffs] She's so competitive,
117
00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:38,523
with her smug cancer survivor smirk.
118
00:04:38,524 --> 00:04:40,275
She sounds like a real piece of work.
119
00:04:40,276 --> 00:04:41,800
You don't even know her.
120
00:04:42,321 --> 00:04:44,986
Why are some women so quick
to judge other women?
121
00:04:44,987 --> 00:04:45,962
I don't know.
122
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:48,979
I need to find a way
to sell more tickets than her.
123
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:51,474
- Beat her at her own game.
- Uh-huh.
124
00:04:51,912 --> 00:04:53,038
Don't say "uh-huh."
125
00:04:53,135 --> 00:04:54,765
You don't even know the rest of it.
126
00:04:54,825 --> 00:04:56,145
I don't know why I do it.
127
00:04:56,575 --> 00:04:58,095
Without going into too many details,
128
00:04:58,096 --> 00:05:00,114
the Squatty Potty
basically saved our marriage.
129
00:05:00,115 --> 00:05:02,045
You don't have to push.
It just slides out.
130
00:05:02,046 --> 00:05:03,154
I want a raise!
131
00:05:05,492 --> 00:05:06,861
I'm sorry, that was bad timing.
132
00:05:06,862 --> 00:05:08,975
I was looking for a pause
in the conversation.
133
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,292
Really. There wasn't one.
134
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:12,241
It was surprisingly a very rich topic.
135
00:05:12,609 --> 00:05:14,266
Okay, well, I will give it a try.
136
00:05:14,828 --> 00:05:15,937
I can always bring it back, right?
137
00:05:15,938 --> 00:05:17,733
Yeah, though you won't want to.
138
00:05:18,764 --> 00:05:21,732
- So...
- Amy, you deserve a raise.
139
00:05:22,199 --> 00:05:24,126
- Thank you.
- But ever since Laurie
140
00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:25,904
was made district manager,
I'm not allowed
141
00:05:25,905 --> 00:05:28,294
to give raises anymore. Or hugs.
142
00:05:28,519 --> 00:05:30,151
Yeah, no, I, uh...
143
00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,967
I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have brought that up.
144
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:35,423
Aw, Amy. Come here.
145
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,673
Nope, I can't do that.
146
00:05:38,659 --> 00:05:40,411
Look, why don't we hug ourselves,
147
00:05:40,412 --> 00:05:42,410
- and then imagine it?
- No, I'm okay.
148
00:05:42,496 --> 00:05:44,429
- No, no, come on.
- I'm... I'm...
149
00:05:44,498 --> 00:05:46,013
- Here you go.
- Okay.
150
00:05:46,731 --> 00:05:49,029
There you... there you go.
151
00:05:49,201 --> 00:05:52,437
♪
152
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,420
I know we're not going
to win, but if we do,
153
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:58,118
should we get our money
up-front or in installments?
154
00:05:58,119 --> 00:05:59,651
Hmm, I don't know.
155
00:06:00,057 --> 00:06:01,832
Some of my cousins might
try to kill me for the money,
156
00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,881
but with installments,
they'll need me alive.
157
00:06:03,882 --> 00:06:06,171
Okay, but if we get the money now,
158
00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:08,148
we could buy something really baller.
159
00:06:08,149 --> 00:06:10,830
Like, maybe a robot that plays music
160
00:06:10,831 --> 00:06:12,779
and is also your dentist and stuff.
161
00:06:13,104 --> 00:06:16,469
Or a yacht, but the captain
is an ape wearing a sailor hat.
162
00:06:16,841 --> 00:06:18,491
If we get a yacht,
do you think we can get
163
00:06:18,492 --> 00:06:20,732
- Mariah Carey to perform on it?
- Oh, yeah.
164
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,414
I want her to sing all of her songs,
165
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:24,469
and then tell her, "Sorry, Mariah."
166
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,087
"It's not 1994 anymore.
167
00:06:26,088 --> 00:06:28,400
Go cut up some cucumber for our water."
168
00:06:28,486 --> 00:06:29,512
[laughs] Yes!
169
00:06:29,513 --> 00:06:31,516
Not only did you not get the raise,
170
00:06:31,929 --> 00:06:34,093
you ended up apologizing to him?
171
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:35,552
I hadn't planned on asking for a raise
172
00:06:35,553 --> 00:06:37,380
while holding a toilet accessory.
173
00:06:38,008 --> 00:06:39,540
I'm sorry, how is this okay?
174
00:06:39,706 --> 00:06:41,430
Isn't there a problem
with people eating these?
175
00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:43,934
Yeah, that's not good.
So wait, hold on, that's it?
176
00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:46,268
You're just going to
take no for an answer?
177
00:06:46,337 --> 00:06:49,075
- Well, what more can I do?
- Take it to Laurie.
178
00:06:49,481 --> 00:06:51,207
Okay, yeah, I'll just mention it to her
179
00:06:51,275 --> 00:06:52,235
the next time she's here.
180
00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:53,515
Ooh, vanilla flavored.
181
00:06:53,945 --> 00:06:55,002
Now I kind of want to try one.
182
00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:56,086
You can't keep waiting around
183
00:06:56,087 --> 00:06:57,656
for the perfect time to ask for a raise
184
00:06:57,657 --> 00:06:59,165
or it's never going to happen.
185
00:06:59,298 --> 00:07:01,783
You should do it now while you
still got your business suit on.
186
00:07:01,784 --> 00:07:03,198
It would be a phone call.
187
00:07:03,199 --> 00:07:04,092
Yeah, but,
188
00:07:04,556 --> 00:07:06,522
she'll hear that business-suit energy.
189
00:07:06,524 --> 00:07:09,378
My mouth is watering.
I can't be around these.
190
00:07:11,516 --> 00:07:15,664
For the next number, uh, 30? 31?
191
00:07:15,733 --> 00:07:17,032
There's really no wrong answer.
192
00:07:17,101 --> 00:07:18,901
You just need to pick another number.
193
00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:21,584
30. No, no, no, no, 31.
194
00:07:22,039 --> 00:07:24,095
- Great, 31 it is.
- No, no, no, mm-mm.
195
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:26,289
You sounded like
you weren't too into that.
196
00:07:26,291 --> 00:07:27,874
[laughs] Was 31 a mistake?
197
00:07:28,116 --> 00:07:29,897
- What would you do?
- Well, it's tough.
198
00:07:29,947 --> 00:07:33,572
Because if you pick 30,
you're not gonna win.
199
00:07:33,573 --> 00:07:35,628
- Mm-hmm.
- But if you pick 31,
200
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,570
you're also not gonna win.
201
00:07:37,571 --> 00:07:41,295
So it really depends
on how you want to not win.
202
00:07:43,294 --> 00:07:44,902
- You're a dick.
- Mm-hmm.
203
00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:48,975
Wait, no, it was 31 the whole time.
204
00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:53,602
Dina, I thought about what you said
205
00:07:53,609 --> 00:07:55,671
about women not
supporting other women...
206
00:07:55,672 --> 00:07:56,952
Jesus, just get on with it.
207
00:07:56,953 --> 00:07:58,802
I don't have time for the preamble.
208
00:07:58,990 --> 00:08:00,504
Garrett's being rude to the customers.
209
00:08:00,519 --> 00:08:02,607
A few of them left
before buying lottery tickets.
210
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,161
- What?
- I thought you might want to know
211
00:08:04,162 --> 00:08:06,365
since you're trying to
sell more tickets than Colleen.
212
00:08:06,450 --> 00:08:07,750
Thank you for letting me know.
213
00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:08,794
This is helpful.
214
00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:11,770
Also, Elias has been stealing
discontinued light bulbs.
215
00:08:11,856 --> 00:08:13,123
I hate tattletales!
216
00:08:15,166 --> 00:08:17,059
Laurie Neustadt's office. This is Skye.
217
00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:20,752
- Uh, yes, hi, um, is she in?
- Who is calling?
218
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:22,111
Amy Dubanowski.
219
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:25,067
She's not available right now.
Can I take a message?
220
00:08:25,136 --> 00:08:27,393
Um, yeah, could you just
let her know that...
221
00:08:27,394 --> 00:08:29,884
No, no, sorry, is she there?
222
00:08:30,241 --> 00:08:31,956
No, she's not available.
223
00:08:31,957 --> 00:08:34,188
Because you asked who was calling,
224
00:08:34,189 --> 00:08:36,438
and only then did you say
she was unavailable
225
00:08:36,439 --> 00:08:38,650
which implies, to me,
that she is available;
226
00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:40,366
she just doesn't want to take our call.
227
00:08:40,451 --> 00:08:43,723
Um, she's just not available.
228
00:08:44,813 --> 00:08:48,773
Listen, Skye.
I think you're lying to me.
229
00:08:48,942 --> 00:08:52,118
So why don't you do your job
and get her on the phone?
230
00:08:53,347 --> 00:08:54,775
[sniffles] I'm sorry.
231
00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:56,598
I don't really know what I'm doing.
232
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:58,136
But Miss Neustadt is...
233
00:08:58,137 --> 00:08:59,768
she's a friend of my dad's friend and...
234
00:08:59,769 --> 00:09:01,437
You know what, I'm sorry.
235
00:09:01,505 --> 00:09:03,238
This really isn't my phone call.
236
00:09:03,307 --> 00:09:05,388
- Take it away, Amy.
- [Sobbing]
237
00:09:05,389 --> 00:09:07,476
Uh, hey, uh, Syke?
238
00:09:07,545 --> 00:09:08,247
- It's Amy again.
- Hi.
239
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,826
Um, you're doing great.
240
00:09:09,827 --> 00:09:10,941
- [sobs] Thank you.
- You're doing really great.
241
00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:13,388
Listen, could you just
tell her that I called?
242
00:09:13,481 --> 00:09:16,185
Okay, and what is this regarding?
243
00:09:16,253 --> 00:09:19,766
Um, it's regarding me
asking for a raise.
244
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,824
Oh, um, well, if it's
just about a raise,
245
00:09:21,859 --> 00:09:23,915
Laurie has a protocol for that.
246
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:25,712
Money.
247
00:09:26,439 --> 00:09:29,445
No matter how much you make,
it never seems like enough.
248
00:09:29,446 --> 00:09:31,841
But with a little planning,
you'll see that a budget
249
00:09:31,842 --> 00:09:33,978
is like a raise you give yourself.
250
00:09:34,472 --> 00:09:35,938
["Ladies Night"
by Kool and the Gang playing]
251
00:09:36,006 --> 00:09:38,006
♪ Oh, what a night Oh, what a night ♪
252
00:09:38,075 --> 00:09:42,010
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night,
and the feeling's right ♪
253
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:45,640
Let's look at a typical budget
for a Cloud 9 employee.
254
00:09:45,641 --> 00:09:48,296
We'll call her Penny Wise.
255
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,533
Oh, because she's a killer
clown that lives in the sewer?
256
00:09:50,534 --> 00:09:52,189
What? No.
257
00:09:52,454 --> 00:09:53,686
What, wait, I don't think so.
258
00:09:53,779 --> 00:09:56,175
I don't see any expense for food.
259
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:58,894
I mean, personally, I... I like food.
260
00:09:58,979 --> 00:10:00,746
Anybody else a food person?
261
00:10:00,831 --> 00:10:01,930
[all agree]
262
00:10:01,999 --> 00:10:03,247
Wow, almost all of you.
263
00:10:03,248 --> 00:10:06,411
Well, there's $100 under "other."
264
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:07,919
That's probably for food.
265
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,773
So we're supposed to live on
under $4 a day for food?
266
00:10:10,841 --> 00:10:12,106
Just don't go eating lobster.
267
00:10:12,107 --> 00:10:14,042
Or just get one lobster and just eat it
268
00:10:14,111 --> 00:10:16,218
a little bit at a time over
the course of several weeks.
269
00:10:16,219 --> 00:10:17,103
That's what I do.
270
00:10:17,104 --> 00:10:18,401
There's no line for
271
00:10:18,402 --> 00:10:20,576
child care, or going to the doctor.
272
00:10:20,577 --> 00:10:22,919
Probably because
they're just planning on us
273
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,488
not getting sick, right?
274
00:10:24,607 --> 00:10:27,007
I eat two-week-old
unrefrigerated lobster.
275
00:10:27,175 --> 00:10:28,504
I'm going to get sick.
276
00:10:29,026 --> 00:10:32,561
So, I just managed to get us
a reservation tonight
277
00:10:32,630 --> 00:10:34,944
at the Italian place with
the Irish name that you love.
278
00:10:34,945 --> 00:10:36,498
O'Brien's Osteria?
279
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:38,108
Oh, they have the best spaghetti.
280
00:10:38,109 --> 00:10:39,668
It wasn't easy, by the way.
They don't have a host
281
00:10:39,737 --> 00:10:42,070
that takes reservations,
so I had to track down
282
00:10:42,139 --> 00:10:43,505
the owner at a spin class.
283
00:10:43,574 --> 00:10:45,267
I feel like you're just
trying to make up for
284
00:10:45,268 --> 00:10:47,897
totally ditching me in your
lottery fantasy world.
285
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:50,790
Could be, but I won't be ditching you
286
00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:53,715
as we go home to watch
the Hallmark romantic comedy
287
00:10:53,784 --> 00:10:55,184
of your choosing,
288
00:10:55,252 --> 00:10:57,715
and I won't poke holes
in any of the stories.
289
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,108
Not even if the guy is revealed to be
290
00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:02,418
- the girl's childhood pen pal?
- Nope.
291
00:11:03,344 --> 00:11:04,619
That's, that's just a...
292
00:11:05,629 --> 00:11:07,528
wonderful coincidence.
293
00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:10,200
What else can we do to have
luxury on a budget?
294
00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:11,800
Sometimes, I pee in the shower.
295
00:11:11,869 --> 00:11:13,245
It helps save toilet water.
296
00:11:13,246 --> 00:11:15,580
It's not why I do it, but it's a plus.
297
00:11:16,019 --> 00:11:19,227
I do it to wash my feet.
Urine is sterile.
298
00:11:19,228 --> 00:11:20,742
I save my bathwater to water
299
00:11:20,794 --> 00:11:22,641
the plants in my garden, and vice versa.
300
00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:25,207
We could cut down
on things like lotto tickets.
301
00:11:25,583 --> 00:11:28,171
Or buy more lotto tickets, depending
on whether we win or not.
302
00:11:28,172 --> 00:11:30,152
My friend, Corona,
just keeps her webcams on
303
00:11:30,221 --> 00:11:32,126
all day in her bedroom and her bathroom.
304
00:11:32,127 --> 00:11:33,815
She makes thousands of dollars.
305
00:11:33,816 --> 00:11:35,703
You could be on the lookout
for loose coins.
306
00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:37,459
Vending machines, couch cushions,
307
00:11:37,545 --> 00:11:39,940
the ground near parking meters,
fountains.
308
00:11:40,107 --> 00:11:43,091
ABG. Always Be Gathering.
309
00:11:43,217 --> 00:11:45,695
Or, what if this company
just gave us a little bit
310
00:11:45,696 --> 00:11:47,166
more money so we wouldn't
have to scrounge
311
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,925
for money like street urchins?
312
00:11:48,926 --> 00:11:52,091
This one guy paid Corona $10,000
313
00:11:52,092 --> 00:11:53,397
to fart on a cake.
314
00:11:53,577 --> 00:11:55,071
She went to Cabo.
315
00:11:55,072 --> 00:11:56,499
Oh, well, uh...
316
00:11:57,189 --> 00:12:00,657
Okay, moving on.
Section three, Social Services.
317
00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:03,593
Uncle Sam has your food. Now go get it!
318
00:12:04,135 --> 00:12:05,934
While you were at the
meeting I was checking out
319
00:12:05,935 --> 00:12:08,860
Laurie's Instagram
to see how unavailable she is.
320
00:12:09,649 --> 00:12:10,124
What?
321
00:12:10,751 --> 00:12:13,431
"Nice day for a drive, a golfing drive,
322
00:12:13,704 --> 00:12:16,164
'cause this minx is hitting the links."
323
00:12:16,595 --> 00:12:17,216
Jesus.
324
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,902
The course is not that far from here.
325
00:12:19,903 --> 00:12:22,191
You could just happen to run into her
326
00:12:22,192 --> 00:12:23,320
and then bring up the raise.
327
00:12:23,321 --> 00:12:25,457
I think stalking her on social media
328
00:12:25,458 --> 00:12:27,932
and then hunting her down
while she's playing golf
329
00:12:28,018 --> 00:12:29,634
might come off as a little pushy.
330
00:12:29,636 --> 00:12:31,366
It would come off as a lot pushy.
331
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:34,689
But pushy people are the ones
that get what they want.
332
00:12:34,725 --> 00:12:36,547
You got to have chutzpah.
333
00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:38,945
- "Chutzpah"?
- Chutzpah.
334
00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:42,857
Okay, fine. But you're coming with me.
335
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:45,494
- Deal.
- God, you're annoying.
336
00:12:45,819 --> 00:12:48,621
- Annoying or pushy?
- Annoying.
337
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:56,878
Went with 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
338
00:12:57,393 --> 00:12:58,837
You picked the numbers from "Lost."
339
00:12:58,838 --> 00:13:00,092
Yeah, are you a fan?
340
00:13:00,093 --> 00:13:01,959
No. Take your business elsewhere.
341
00:13:03,753 --> 00:13:05,337
Hey, you're scaring off customers.
342
00:13:05,338 --> 00:13:06,860
I'm scaring off gambling addicts.
343
00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:08,757
Oh, and you don't care
about the $5,000 bonus
344
00:13:08,842 --> 00:13:10,425
that goes to whoever sells
the winning ticket?
345
00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:11,843
Oh, boy, you think I'm that gullible?
346
00:13:11,928 --> 00:13:14,062
Hey, Sandra, how much does the employee
347
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,231
who sells a winning lotto ticket get?
348
00:13:16,266 --> 00:13:17,785
$5,000.
349
00:13:17,786 --> 00:13:21,042
Look, even if that was true,
which I don't believe it is,
350
00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:23,017
you think I'm just
going to start hauling ass
351
00:13:23,018 --> 00:13:24,593
in the 1-in-7-million chance
352
00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:26,074
that I'm going to sell
the winning ticket?
353
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,109
I didn't ask you to do anything.
354
00:13:32,836 --> 00:13:34,900
Damn it. All right, come on, people.
355
00:13:34,902 --> 00:13:36,047
Let's get this line moving.
356
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,696
You can't win if you don't play.
357
00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:39,051
Let's see what you got here.
358
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,344
We should have a
saltwater pool on the yacht.
359
00:13:41,345 --> 00:13:42,988
Not to swim in, just to be like,
360
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,392
"Hey, ocean, we don't need you.
We've got our own."
361
00:13:45,393 --> 00:13:47,946
And we should hire someone
to bury treasure for us,
362
00:13:47,947 --> 00:13:50,382
- and then we get to find it.
- Is this all on the yacht?
363
00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:52,327
Everything is happening on the yacht.
364
00:13:52,412 --> 00:13:53,404
We are done with land.
365
00:13:53,405 --> 00:13:56,193
You guys know you wouldn't get all
30 million if you won, right?
366
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,008
What are you talking about?
367
00:13:58,086 --> 00:14:01,187
Well, if you want it
all at once, you'd get 18.
368
00:14:02,312 --> 00:14:04,516
Oh, well, I mean, you know,
that's still pretty...
369
00:14:04,517 --> 00:14:08,056
And then, after taxes, 11.
So that's 5 1/2 each.
370
00:14:08,337 --> 00:14:11,687
5 1/2 million? [Scoffs]
371
00:14:11,688 --> 00:14:13,672
I guess that's something, right?
372
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:17,377
- I mean, it's more than we have.
- I guess.
373
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,945
Oh, is that her over there, by the tree?
374
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,188
No, that doesn't look
anything like her, either.
375
00:14:23,189 --> 00:14:25,164
Do you just think all
white women look the same?
376
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:25,828
No.
377
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,525
I think all these white women
look the same.
378
00:14:28,526 --> 00:14:30,416
Just keep your eyes peeled.
Tell me if you see her.
379
00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:32,120
Well, I mean, that's going to be tough.
380
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,245
At these speeds,
everything is just a blur.
381
00:14:35,246 --> 00:14:37,071
Shut up. I'm not used to these things.
382
00:14:37,072 --> 00:14:39,583
Not everyone grew up
going to country clubs.
383
00:14:39,739 --> 00:14:41,690
I feel like you just think of me as this
384
00:14:41,808 --> 00:14:44,179
like, spoiled rich kid
who spent all of his time
385
00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:45,524
playing tennis and golf.
386
00:14:45,827 --> 00:14:47,660
All right, well, what did
you grow up playing?
387
00:14:47,785 --> 00:14:50,116
- Mostly tennis and some golf.
- Uh...
388
00:14:50,117 --> 00:14:52,795
And I was a pretty decent skier.
389
00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:54,472
- Ugh.
- [laughs]
390
00:14:54,558 --> 00:14:56,305
Oh, wait, is that her over there?
391
00:14:56,555 --> 00:14:57,877
No, again, that's just...
392
00:14:58,572 --> 00:14:59,668
Oh, wait, yeah, no, that is her.
393
00:14:59,669 --> 00:15:01,901
Yeah, yeah, it is her. Okay, here we go.
394
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:06,033
I'm going to take a nap.
Wake me up when we get there.
395
00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:09,459
Attention shoppers,
come buy your lottery ticket
396
00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:11,072
at customer service right now.
397
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:13,727
There are some people who say
the lottery is basically a tax
398
00:15:13,728 --> 00:15:15,755
on lower income, less educated people.
399
00:15:15,756 --> 00:15:17,196
But you know who doesn't say that?
400
00:15:17,231 --> 00:15:19,790
People who win the lottery. [Chuckles]
401
00:15:20,458 --> 00:15:22,726
There you go, got to
be in it to win it, girl.
402
00:15:24,238 --> 00:15:27,323
Myrtle, what are you doing here?
403
00:15:27,408 --> 00:15:30,376
- Playing the numbers.
- How you been?
404
00:15:30,411 --> 00:15:32,328
Oh, I've been doing just fine.
405
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:36,318
I got a job collecting cans
and bottles from the trash.
406
00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:38,885
- Oh.
- It's not bad.
407
00:15:39,587 --> 00:15:41,351
There's some competition, but
408
00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:43,776
I just have to get there at 3:00 a.m.
409
00:15:44,091 --> 00:15:45,094
Yeah, wow.
410
00:15:45,805 --> 00:15:47,299
Hey, you know what? Um...
411
00:15:47,919 --> 00:15:50,832
why don't you give me these
and I'll give you the cash?
412
00:15:50,932 --> 00:15:52,287
Okay? Uh...
413
00:15:52,683 --> 00:15:54,804
$30 sounds about right for all of this.
414
00:15:54,805 --> 00:15:57,107
That's even more than I thought.
415
00:15:58,439 --> 00:16:00,768
- I hope you win.
- Me too.
416
00:16:01,108 --> 00:16:04,432
The nights at the motel
are starting to add up.
417
00:16:04,946 --> 00:16:06,508
[softly] Yeah.
418
00:16:07,485 --> 00:16:08,948
So we're just going to say
419
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:10,449
that we happened to be here golfing,
420
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,952
and that we ran into her,
and then I'll just segue
421
00:16:13,037 --> 00:16:14,954
- into talking about the raise.
- Got it.
422
00:16:15,039 --> 00:16:17,339
Do you want to go over
some possible segues?
423
00:16:17,425 --> 00:16:19,174
Uh, no, I think I'll just find it.
424
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,282
Okay, all right, but
you know, just... just in case,
425
00:16:21,283 --> 00:16:23,095
uh, speaking of golf greens,
426
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,166
I could use a little green myself.
427
00:16:25,466 --> 00:16:26,169
So dumb.
428
00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:28,336
You know what really tees me off?
429
00:16:28,337 --> 00:16:29,768
- Low pay.
- [Chuckles]
430
00:16:29,804 --> 00:16:32,361
Um, speaking of a hole-in-one...
431
00:16:33,630 --> 00:16:35,501
Oh, yeah, you're going to kill it.
432
00:16:36,312 --> 00:16:38,263
- Uh oh, she's moving.
- Laurie!
433
00:16:38,646 --> 00:16:40,758
Hey, Laurie! Laurie!
434
00:16:40,759 --> 00:16:42,573
Watch out for the hill right here.
435
00:16:42,854 --> 00:16:45,017
Hey! Hi, Laurie!
436
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,113
I thought that was you.
437
00:16:47,114 --> 00:16:48,675
Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy. Watch out!
438
00:16:48,676 --> 00:16:50,463
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- [grunts]
439
00:16:52,983 --> 00:16:54,618
It doesn't seem like anything is broken,
440
00:16:54,619 --> 00:16:56,652
But just to be safe, I'm going
to need you not to move.
441
00:16:56,794 --> 00:16:58,528
Laurie, I am so sorry.
442
00:16:58,529 --> 00:17:00,001
I was trying to pull up next to you,
443
00:17:00,002 --> 00:17:02,291
but those things
really just don't turn well.
444
00:17:02,292 --> 00:17:04,199
And I'm not saying
this is what happened,
445
00:17:04,285 --> 00:17:07,169
but it is very possible that
someone cut my break lines.
446
00:17:07,254 --> 00:17:09,218
[scoffs] Okay. Can I get up please?
447
00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:10,169
I'm sorry for the wait.
448
00:17:10,170 --> 00:17:12,679
They don't let us
drive the truck on the grass.
449
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,842
Well, while we're waiting,
and... and speaking of
450
00:17:21,935 --> 00:17:27,066
not being able to move,
I too have had trouble moving.
451
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:29,929
Lately. Past the poverty line.
452
00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,508
No, no way, no, what are you doing?
453
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,214
- Chutzpah.
- [sighs]
454
00:17:33,215 --> 00:17:37,445
So I would love... no,
actually, I think I deserve
455
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,643
an extra buck 50 an hour.
456
00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,036
I'm sorry, are you actually
457
00:17:41,121 --> 00:17:42,331
asking me for a raise right now?
458
00:17:42,332 --> 00:17:44,206
- Of course not right now...
- Yes, yes.
459
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:45,624
That is what I'm doing.
460
00:17:45,683 --> 00:17:47,432
Unless for some reason
461
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,517
I'm not allowed to,
like, medically speaking.
462
00:17:49,570 --> 00:17:51,103
No, no, no, not medically.
463
00:17:51,315 --> 00:17:52,869
But if you're asking
me if it's a good idea
464
00:17:52,870 --> 00:17:54,252
right now to ask for a raise...
465
00:17:54,253 --> 00:17:55,654
No, I wasn't asking your opinion.
466
00:17:55,655 --> 00:17:57,266
- I just needed the info.
- Okay.
467
00:17:57,838 --> 00:18:00,885
With the highest
lottery jackpot in 20 years,
468
00:18:00,886 --> 00:18:02,892
tonight's winning numbers are:
469
00:18:03,501 --> 00:18:04,711
- 4...
- Nope.
470
00:18:05,624 --> 00:18:07,059
- 8...
- Nope.
471
00:18:07,815 --> 00:18:09,068
- 15...
- Nope.
472
00:18:09,069 --> 00:18:13,053
- Dina, we sold 12,742 tickets.
- Yes!
473
00:18:13,054 --> 00:18:15,570
Suck it, Colleen, you pink
ribbon wearing bitch.
474
00:18:15,656 --> 00:18:18,315
If her jaw wasn't wired shut,
I'd make her eat trash!
475
00:18:18,659 --> 00:18:21,026
So this was about
Colleen from Bel-Ridge.
476
00:18:21,078 --> 00:18:22,661
- Oh, yeah.
- Pretty sure I know the answer
477
00:18:22,696 --> 00:18:24,863
to this question, but, uh,
there's no bonus, is there?
478
00:18:24,915 --> 00:18:26,356
Just the bonus of telling
Colleen she can suck it...
479
00:18:26,357 --> 00:18:28,667
No, Sandra. You're not a part of this.
480
00:18:28,702 --> 00:18:31,392
And now, for our
mega jackpot winning number...
481
00:18:32,539 --> 00:18:36,091
- 42.
- [All groan]
482
00:18:36,176 --> 00:18:37,865
It was the numbers from "Lost."
483
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:40,045
Guess it's back
to washing my futon sheets
484
00:18:40,097 --> 00:18:41,301
like a frickin' nerd.
485
00:18:41,515 --> 00:18:43,156
I like working Thursdays.
486
00:18:43,550 --> 00:18:45,870
You can talk about
how Friday's coming up,
487
00:18:45,871 --> 00:18:49,604
and how Wednesday was, and, yeah.
488
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,890
Enjoy your 5 1/2 million, loser.
489
00:18:52,529 --> 00:18:53,358
[chuckles]
490
00:18:53,394 --> 00:18:56,180
- I get seasick anyway.
- Yeah, yeah.
491
00:18:57,731 --> 00:19:00,555
I like living with my cousins.
It's... it's cool.
492
00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,617
In what world did you actually think
493
00:19:02,703 --> 00:19:04,364
she was going to give you a raise?
494
00:19:04,365 --> 00:19:05,424
I don't know.
495
00:19:06,073 --> 00:19:08,591
I thought she'd be like,
"You got moxie, kid."
496
00:19:08,592 --> 00:19:10,876
[laughs]
497
00:19:10,911 --> 00:19:15,020
Why, because she's a 1930s
Hollywood producer?
498
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,910
Yes, like, "I'm going to put
you in the pictures, see?"
499
00:19:17,911 --> 00:19:19,301
[laughs]
500
00:19:19,386 --> 00:19:20,556
All right, Sosa up.
501
00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:23,672
[gentle acoustic guitar music]
502
00:19:23,757 --> 00:19:25,640
[both laugh]
503
00:19:25,726 --> 00:19:29,358
This is a stupid game for stupid people.
504
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:31,313
If you want to move up
the corporate ladder,
505
00:19:31,398 --> 00:19:33,565
you're going to need to
learn how to play golf.
506
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,984
- Okay, golf camp.
- All right, just hear me out.
507
00:19:36,069 --> 00:19:38,320
Okay? So... [laughs]
508
00:19:38,405 --> 00:19:40,272
So when you pull the club
back, you want to make
509
00:19:40,324 --> 00:19:43,191
- a triangle with your arms.
- Okay.
510
00:19:43,277 --> 00:19:45,494
Just think of yourself as,
like, you're a pendulum.
511
00:19:45,579 --> 00:19:47,329
Okay? You're a clock.
512
00:19:47,414 --> 00:19:50,031
Yeah, but not so loose,
and let's please be careful.
513
00:19:50,117 --> 00:19:51,376
Okay, so next...
514
00:19:52,462 --> 00:19:53,475
Do you, can I...
515
00:19:54,121 --> 00:19:55,491
- Put my arms around...
- Just do it, Jonah.
516
00:19:55,492 --> 00:19:56,588
It's only weird if you talk about it.
517
00:19:56,623 --> 00:19:58,589
Okay, all right. [Inhales]
518
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:00,443
Okay, so, uh...
519
00:20:01,428 --> 00:20:03,595
- Hands overlap.
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:07,215
- Okay, um, back straight.
- [laughs]
521
00:20:07,301 --> 00:20:10,685
Bend your knees. Okay, all right, good.
522
00:20:10,771 --> 00:20:12,220
[phone buzzing]
523
00:20:12,306 --> 00:20:14,806
Now, when you pull back,
good, good, good, good.
524
00:20:14,858 --> 00:20:18,894
Hey, me again.
[soft laugh] Where are you?
525
00:20:18,979 --> 00:20:21,299
If you won the lottery
and are traveling the world,
526
00:20:21,306 --> 00:20:23,041
at least give me a call first, okay?
527
00:20:23,042 --> 00:20:24,608
So I can cancel our table.
528
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,067
[lights clank]
529
00:20:26,153 --> 00:20:28,201
Okay. [Giggles] Bye.
530
00:20:28,622 --> 00:20:32,374
♪
531
00:20:32,466 --> 00:20:34,950
Good, good, okay, now don't swing yet.
532
00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:36,828
All right, when you come forward,
533
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,998
we're going to move with
the power of our whole bodies.
534
00:20:40,067 --> 00:20:41,283
- Okay.
- Okay, not just our arms.
535
00:20:41,368 --> 00:20:43,568
- And...
- [gasps]
536
00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:45,070
♪
537
00:20:45,122 --> 00:20:47,239
Ah, yes!
538
00:20:47,298 --> 00:20:49,887
- I am so good!
- That was incredible.
539
00:20:49,888 --> 00:20:52,087
Who knew I would be so good at golf?
540
00:20:52,088 --> 00:20:53,828
- I certainly didn't.
- Whoo!
541
00:20:53,914 --> 00:20:55,247
- Yeah.
- Fore!
542
00:20:55,332 --> 00:20:57,465
No, no, no, no, not fore, nobody says...
543
00:20:57,551 --> 00:20:59,251
"Fore" is like a warning,
like you're going to,
544
00:20:59,303 --> 00:21:00,585
your ball is going to
hit somebody in the head.
545
00:21:00,637 --> 00:21:02,170
No, I'm pretty sure you say that
546
00:21:02,256 --> 00:21:03,421
whenever you feel like saying that.
547
00:21:03,473 --> 00:21:06,141
- That is incorrect.
- Fore!
548
00:21:06,226 --> 00:21:08,810
- It's fun, try it.
- Fore!
549
00:21:08,896 --> 00:21:10,812
- See?
- Yeah, that was really good.