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Roseanne, get in here.
What?
You can't just stand on the front porch
staring at your Muslim neighbors.
It just so obvious you're spying on them.
No, it isn't. I've got a rake.
Holding a rake and staring is not a cover.
Raking is a cover.
Now come on.
We need three people
to make this into a fun coupon club.
Otherwise, we're just two poor people
trying to save a nickel on tuna.
Did you see the crazy amount of fertilizer
they got stacked up near their garage?
That's how they make bombs.
What if this is a sleeper cell full of terrorists
getting ready to blow up our neighborhood?
What proof do you have, Roseanne?
This proof... anytime something bad happens,
it's always somebody who
lives next door to somebody.
Oh, my God, you figured it out.
Terrorists are always neighbors.
So, all we have to do
is arrest everybody!
I'm telling you, this is what people from Iraq
and Talibanistan do!
They hide out in neighborhoods like Lanford.
Don't you watch the news?!
You don't mean the news, you mean Fox News,
and, uh...
there is no Talibanis... Oh, forget it.
Jump in, here, Anne-Marie.
Oh, because I'm black, I'm the expert on racism?
Oh, geez, I am so sorry.
- I'm willing to learn from my mistakes. - Well, good.
So, in that case, if you just give me the 50% off
on this cream cheese, we'll call it even.
If you're so sure they're not terrorists,
go out there and look at how much fertilizer they've got.
If it makes you shut up and stop with this, then fine.
That's not that much fertilizer. Hold on.
That is, like, a crazy amount of fertilizer.
But... it doesn't mean anything.
I'm done talking to you people.
- Hi, Chuck. - Oh, hey, Rosie.
Dan, our new neighbors
have way too much fertilizer.
After 45 years of marriage,
you run out of things to talk about.
Okay, so neither one of you are worried about this?
We don't have time.
We're getting ready for this meeting.
They're probably just regular folks
who want to make a home here.
They painted their fence, they put in a new mailbox.
They have an American flag, for God's sake.
Oh, Dan, I don't know.
I'm gonna have to go with Rosie on this one.
It sounds like they're trying a little too hard.
When I drove through the South,
I had a Lynyrd Skynyrd bumper sticker.
Granny Rose! Grandpa Dan!
Hey.
Oh, that's quite an outfit, Mary.
Did Daddy let you dress yourself today?
No.
That's what I figured.
Later, Oscar De la Renta.
So, is it cool if Mary spends the night with you tonight?
I have a really early appointment
at the V.A. tomorrow in Danville.
You're all mine!
Why are you leaving tonight if you've got an appointment
in the morning?
'Cause the line will be all the way down the sidewalk.
A lot of vets live on the sidewalk,
so they have an advantage.
Hey, Deej. Hi, Mary.
Uh, nothing happened to you in the Army, did it?
You can still see patterns, right?
Okay, I almost forgot.
Tonight is Mary's Skype call with Geena.
It's on Afghanistan time, so it's 2:00 a.m. here.
That's oh-two-hundred.
I don't know how to do the Skype
or get up at 2:00 a.m.
After my nighttime meds kick in,
I'm legally dead till 7:00 a.m.
Darlene, will you help Mom with the Skype call?
Oh, sure, waking Mom at 2:00 a.m.
to explain technology's kind of what I live for.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, now, you be good tonight for Granny.
- Can't you stay here, too? - I can't, honey.
Hey, you know what would be super-fun?
An all-girls slumber party 'cause we could put a tent up
in the living room and do each other's hair and makeup
and watch videos and make brownies
and tell ghost stories.
- That sounds fun. - That sounds horrible.
But what if I can't sleep?
Well, then, I'll tell you a bedtime story
about two of my dear friends,
applesauce and Benadryl.
I loved that story as a kid.
I can never remember how it ends.
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
Me llamo Becky.
What can I get you?
Don't try to pronounce anything, just point to the pictures.
Okay, but just so you know, when you get it,
it won't look like that.
Make it two.
Nothing for me. Thanks.
Check it out, Al.
I got these little "sign here" stickers for you
so you'll know just where to sign.
I will need those back, though.
All you got to do is sign, give us a deposit check...
And in three months, your apartments
will have beautiful drywall
that your renters can knock holes in and spackle badly.
The savages.
Uh, listen, Dan, Chuck,
I-I wanted to come here and tell you in person.
I'm not gonna be able to go with you guys on this one.
What's the problem, Al? My guys are lined up.
We've done a dozen jobs for you. You've always been happy.
And we work for union minimum. Nobody's gonna beat that, Al.
Somebody did, and I can't pass it up.
Beat my bid?
They must be going non-union.
Oh, Al, you're not hiring illegals?
Uh, Dan, please say "undocumented workers"
until our tamales get out here.
I'm sorry, guys.
Hey, look, uh...
order lunch, put it on my account, okay?
- Uh... - Sorry.
Oh, man!
I'm not really hungry now.
Me either.
But I think we should leave the waitress a $300 tip.
This is some of my best work.
Done.
Hey, I've got a mustache.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm Mom.
Hey, Mark, pretend you're still painting her mustache.
I want to get a picture.
Do you want me to take the picture so you can be in it?
No screens!
There's your kid. Look at him.
A point that could have been made
without throwing the center of my life across the room.
- Brownies are ready. - Ooh!
Oh, great. Here's one for you, Mom.
Don't think I won't eat that later.
So, is it time to talk to my mom yet?
No yet. It's only 10:00.
Hey, Aunt Jackie, got any good ghosted stories?
I love ghost stories.
No, no. Ghosted stories.
They're a little different, Mary, but...
they're very scary.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
There was this guy.
I went out with him three times and...
Now I know that's made up.
I'll tell a good one.
This one is called
"The Last Sleepover."
Once upon a time, there was a little girl,
and she was having a sleepover with two of her cousins.
Wow, you really know how to take us to another place.
Shut up, or you will be eaten first!
Who's gonna eat her?
The monster that roams the neighborhood every night,
looking for brownies.
And nobody ever heard the monster coming.
Except for a car door slamming,
and only the little girl heard it.
I heard it?
And then, the monster came in the little girl's house...
...and all they heard was a door creaking.
And then the monster said what he always says
just before he eats all the children...
Hey!
Aaah!
Sorry about that. I stepped on a phone.
Yeah, yeah, that job... turns out it fell through.
I'll take anything you got.
And then they went bankrupt and lost their house.
What happened?
I got underbid on Al's job. He's using illegals.
What? We needed that money.
It ain't right, Rosie.
Those guys are so desperate, they'll work for nothing,
and we're getting screwed in the process.
It's Al that sucks. He's taking advantage.
All's I know is we can't pay our bills.
Too late.
I thought the money was for sure,
so I sent out the checks a couple of days ago.
I always try to pay the final "Final Notice" on time.
I hear that's good for your credit.
Great. Now they're all gonna bounce.
Not all. I mean, there's enough money to cover one.
Round and round it goes.
Who gets paid, nobody knows.
Well, at least the kids
are getting used to sleeping in a tent.
We got that working for us.
Roseanne.
We have a problem.
That's all we ever have, Jackie.
You got to be more specific.
We were all set up for Mary to Skype with her mom,
and then your Wi-Fi cut off, and she's starting to freak out.
Oh, my God.
That Internet check must've bounced.
But maybe there's a good chance
we can show our face at Sears again.
All right, last time this happened,
we just used the Gerskis' Wi-Fi.
Oh, that's nice. The neighbors gave you their password?
No, we figured it out.
It was StopUsingOurWifi123.
There's no Gerski network on here.
Well, I know. The Gerskis moved away.
Now the terrorists are living there.
Oh, my God, Mom, you have no reason to believe
those people want to hurt you.
They'd have to get to know you first.
The only signal strong enough is called Al-Harazi.
That's got to be their last name.
Or it's an Arabic word that means "stop using our Wi-Fi."
So, all we have to do is guess the password.
Try "DeathToAmerica".
This is ridiculous.
Nope.
Okay, "DeathToAmerica123".
Hey, we're in!
Really?
No! This is ridiculous.
I need to talk to my mom. It's almost time!
Calm down, baby. We'll figure it out.
We could be here forever trying to break into their Wi-Fi.
You have to go over there, Roseanne,
and politely ask those people to borrow the password.
Oh, my God, I'm not gonna go to somebody's house
at 2:00 in the morning.
I'm not gonna get to talk to her,
and my stomach hurts.
Okay, fine.
I'll go and wake up the enemies of America.
We should bring something.
We can't just go over there empty-handed.
You're right.
Normal doorbell.
Who is it?
Uh, it's Roseanne Conner.
I-I'm your neighbor from next door.
One moment.
Gimme that.
Nice work, Jackie.
Uh, here's a plant.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Um, we know that this is a crazy time
to wake somebody up,
but, you see, our Wi-Fi went out,
and we need to make an emergency Skype call.
And we were just wondering if you could be so kind
as to, uh, lend us your password.
Are you drunk?
No, no. That's really the reason why we came over.
But "drunk" is a good guess on any other night.
I'm Fatima Al-Harazi, and this is my husband, Samir.
Oh, I'm sorry. That was so rude of us.
I'm Jackie, Roseanne's sister.
I'm a certified life coach
if you're having any trouble assimilating.
Not now, Jackie!
Yeah, well, my little granddaughter, you know,
she needs to talk to her mother,
and it's a whole other time zone and everything
'cause her mom's in Afghanistan.
What does she do in Afghanistan?
Uh...
She's in the Army.
If you guys have any family over there, let us know,
and we'll put in a good word with the drone people.
We're from Yemen.
Oh, good. Yemen's not even on the travel ban list.
Yes, it is.
Roseanne, why don't you just bring your granddaughter
over here to Skype.
The signal will be much stronger.
Over here?
Uh, well, n-no, we couldn't.
W-We've already imposed on you enough.
You don't want us to see the Skype,
so we'll know where in Afghanistan
her mother is, right?
Because you think we'll find out her coordinates
and give them to our ISIS friends on Facebook.
You see, they hate us.
We don't hate you.
We're scared of you.
Yeah, we're scared of you, too.
Well, we have way more reason to be scared of you.
How do you explain all that fertilizer in your yard?
That's because genius over here doesn't know
every time you click on the Amazon order button,
you're putting another 50-pound bag in the cart!
What's happening?
Kazim, go back to bed.
Everything is fine.
Okay.
Wow, you only told him once,
and he listened right away.
I hate to ask how you discipline him
'cause that looks like a bulletproof vest.
Yes, it is.
Some people yelled
some pretty terrible things at us the other day,
and he started to have nightmares.
Helps him feel safer.
"Go Cubs".
Thank you. And, uh...
"Yay Yemen".
That's the password... "Go Cubs".
We're big baseball fans.
Oh, that is so funny because you should hear
what we were guessing that your pass...
No.
Well, it's so kind of you, and we really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
It's the right thing to do.
The ignorance of adults shouldn't punish children.
- Hey, son. - Hey, Dad.
11:00 a.m. beer, huh?
Well, it's 9:00 a.m. somewhere. Pass one over.
How was the V.A.?
It's a lot like Black Friday.
Except instead of waiting for a cheap TV,
everybody's waiting for a cheap doctor.
They give you a clean bill of health?
Yeah, it wasn't just a check-up.
I started seeing a therapist.
Oh?
You want to talk about it?
- Not really. - Good.
I felt like a girl asking.
I've just been going through some stuff
since I got discharged.
Well, that's probably normal.
That's got to be confusing,
trying to figure out what to do next.
No, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I wanted to re-up. They wouldn't take me.
Really? I didn't think they turned down anybody.
That was probably better as a thought than a statement.
Yeah, I told them I wanted to continue
defending our country,
and they said, "We're good."
How'd you know I needed a 3/16th?
Dad, I've been out here watching you rebuild bikes and drink
since I was 5.
I'm real good at both now.
Well, hell, maybe you and I should restore some bikes,
maybe make a few bucks.
I know I could use it.
What do you say?
Okay.
Maybe you could hand me the tools for a change.
If you're saying, "Will I watch you do the work
while I pound brewskis?"
I say, "Welcome to Conner and Son."
Hello.
Oh, hi.
How you doing?
A little tired. I was up at 2:00.
Sorry about that.
Uh, EBT card.
You can't buy prepared food with food stamps.
Why not? It's food.
The government doesn't want to pay for it because
they think that prepared food is a "luxury item."
You know how rich people have yachts and summer homes?
We have pre-cooked chicken.
That's $75.43.
It says "insufficient funds." You're $30 short.
Um...
I didn't know.
Sorry.
Maybe the American taxpayers forgot to fill it up last week.
Excuse me?
I'm an American taxpayer sometimes.
Put it on my EBT card.
You don't need to do that.
Well, we're stealing your cable,
so this probably makes us even.
Maybe you can help her carry the groceries
out to her camel, too.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know that saying,
"See something, say something"?
Well, I saw something,
and I'm gonna say something to your manager.
You are ignorant.
That woman is twice the person you'll ever be.
And she's dealing with a lot of stuff
you don't even know about.
So, next time she comes in the store,
you keep your damn mouth shut.
She's got enough fertilizer to turn this place
into a smoking hole in the ground.
Now, will you take a coupon from another store?
What's your 20, Geena?
It looks like you're out there in the midst of it, huh?
We do that to mask our location.
It's pretty cool.
I miss you so much, Mommy.
And I miss my sweet pea. I think about you every day.
Is there anything else you want to tell me about?
Granny Rose says we're stealing the Muslims' Wi-Fi.
Actually, so am I.
You know, one thing I always wondered about, Geena.
When you're, like, over there,
how... how do you tell
who's dangerous and who isn't?
The people who answer their doors are usually okay,
but I'm not living somewhere as scary as Lanford.
That's what I always tell Jackie.
I'm coming.
What's wrong, Samir?
My wife told me you lent her $30.
Here.
Did you have to bring it back at 2:00 in the morning?
Oh, yes.