Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
Margarita on the house for the old married couple!
Happy anniversary.
[DISTINGUISHED ACCENT] I thank you.
[TAPS GLASS] There. Excuse me.
This is our 45th anniversary, and, uh, I get to talk.
She's finally coming out of her shell. Quiet, everybody.
Shh.
Now, we're not gonna sit here
and tell you guys how great we are.
You're gonna do it!
I want somebody to make a toast.
I'll do it.
Oh, pipe down, everyone. Forrest Gump's talking.
I just wanna say how amazing it is
to see a marriage that lasts 45 years.
And, Mom and Dad, you set a great example for all of us,
and it's a pretty high bar.
I mean, Darlene couldn't get over it,
and Becky's stuck under it,
and my marriage is... It's not really a picnic.
I mean, my w...
Thank you!
Anyway, Mom and Dad, happy 45th.
Oh, Becky, since you're our waitress for this evening,
do you guys have any special anniversary song here?
Nice try. We only do birthdays.
- What a coincidence. - Don't do it.
It's my birthday today!
Yay!
Hey, everybody! It's Darlene's birthday!
She's 60!
[TO TUNE OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"] ♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪
♪ Feliz cumpleaños ♪
♪ A Darlene ♪
♪ iFeliz cumpleaños a ti! ♪
Ay-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Thank you!
Ah.
So, are you guys doing anything special for your anniversary?
You got to do something.
45 years... I mean, people get less than that for murder.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, got it!
Wait, do you guys get points on your credit card?
We get threats. Is that the same thing?
[CHUCKLES] No, you get points for every dollar that you spend.
It's like a reward.
You can use 'em for, like, travel or to buy things.
Yeah, you can stay - at some nice hotel in the city
for your anniversary.
Put in your password, Dad.
Let's see how many points we have.
Well, this is the credit card we used
to pay off - all the other credit cards,
so we probably got a bunch.
We got enough for one night
at the Radford Suites,
with points left over for...
[GASPS]
H-Hold me, Mama, 'cause I'm fit to bust...
A Honey Baked ham!
Did I mention the hotel has a pool?
Like if you had a ham and a room,
you'd ever come out of there to swim.
[LAUGHS]
All right. I'm booking it.
And, as my anniversary present to you guys,
I'll babysit the kids.
It's not babysitting when they're yours!
♪
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING]
"Roseanne" is recorded live in front of a studio audience.
Right, we'll be there at 3:00.
And it's our anniversary,
so I really want this to be special.
I want to reserve the biggest, nicest one you got.
Just like we had on our wedding night.
Is that the hotel?
No, it's the ham people.
Oh.
We're picking one up on the way.
Thank you. Thank...
You have a Honey Baked day, too.
Hey, we got a problem.
Two, if you don't think leftover Chinese food
belongs in an omelette.
My knee is killing me,
and a bunch of my pain pills are missing.
- [LIGHT RATTLING] - This thing was, like, half full.
How many did you take?
Just a couple for my back.
Are you sure you didn't take more than you thought?
If I was taking handsful of these pills,
I'd be in a way better mood.
Have you noticed me in a way better mood, Dan?
The only thing I've noticed
is that I love you more every day.
Sir.
Well, somebody must have taken 'em,
so we have to find out who it was.
We have a serious opioid problem in this country.
Let's examine who else had access
to the narcotics!
Everybody in this house.
You know, back in the day, I busted up a hashish ring
in the... in the Model U.N.
down at the junior high.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It was Luxembourg.
[CHUCKLES] It's always Luxembourg.
Darlene!
Good morning.
What brings you to the kitchen?
I was following a rainbow.
Uh, I just came down for coffee.
Mm. Interesting. Because you're groggy?
Unable to deal with the real world?
Oh, my God. Are you selling vitamins again?
Some of your mom's pain pills are missing.
Oh, well, I don't take pills of any kind.
I don't like to feel out of control,
or I can't manage my multinational empire.
How come there's sweet-and-sour shrimp in the eggs?
You know, I don't think I've noticed before...
Are you wearing eyelash extensions?
I literally can't even afford ChapStick.
Oh.
Because your natural lashes are fantastic.
Open up your eyes real wide.
Hmm. No slurred speech or pinpoint pupils.
Mom, what is this?
She's clean!
We're never gonna find out anything like this, Rose.
There's been a ton of people through this house.
Let's just hide the pills in a safer place.
Well, that doesn't solve my problem.
I can't get a damn refill for two more weeks,
and my knee is holding a gun to my head.
Well, I could go to my doctor
and tell him my back's flared up again.
That's so sweet.
Tonight I'm gonna give your back a reason to flare up.
[FRENCH ACCENT] Zut alors!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey, Crystal.
Hey!
Hey, everybody.
Guess what today is.
A fundraiser for your dignity?
No, no, no. You're such a stitch.
It's my last day before I retire!
All right!
It's about time.
You've been working that saloon since when, 1865?
Give her a break, Roseanne.
There's a cattle drive a-comin' through town,
and Miss Kitty wants her to be real friendly-like
to all the cowpokes.
Laugh all you want, but I'm about to start living
the best years of my life.
I'm retiring from the casino with full benefits!
- Full benefits? - That's amazing, Crystal.
No one has that nowadays.
I brought you champagne for tonight.
Hey, Crystal.
Uh, I didn't know exactly when the women's movement would end,
but now seems like a pretty good time to call it.
Hey, Darlene, you still looking for work?
'Cause if I recommend you for my job, you're as good as in.
Aw, that's really sweet, Crystal.
Did I mention the benefits package includes mental health?
I just found out I hate my mother.
Which is really weird because I love my mother.
Wait, you have full benefits?
If you don't want it, Darlene, I'll take it.
Um, you know what?
I-I appreciate the offer, but it's not really my thing,
so go for it, Beck.
If you don't feel like you're betraying your Mexican heritage.
Are you sure you want to turn that job down?
For full dental and medical, I'd wear that dress.
Oh, well, you got to that pretty quick.
Anything you want to tell me, Dad?
I gotta be honest, Darlene,
I don't know how you can pass on a job with full benefits.
Uh, I have some pretty good reasons.
Shall we start with the riverboat-whore vibe?
Hey, you know who wasn't too good to wear that dress?
One Mr. Bugs Bunny.
Dad, I still want to be a writer.
I mean, I've gone from novels to textbooks to menus.
If I take this waitress job, I'm just giving up completely.
What are you gonna do if your kids get sick, write about it?
Well, we managed so far.
You've been lucky. One emergency can wipe you out.
You know what I'd give right now to have full coverage
for your mother's knee?
Sometimes you just gotta suck it up
and put your family first.
Okay. You made your point.
Good.
I know a little bit about how this world works.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to go jam a sleep-apnea mask
and a seven-pound ham into an overnight bag.
Good evening.
Checking in.
Points?
Last name?
Hilton.
Staying under the name Conner.
Perfect. I have you right here.
We have a superior deluxe room with a view.
Ooh! Were we upgraded?
Oh, no, sir.
"Superior deluxe" is our lowest level room.
You have a mini-bar,
and you also have 24-hour access to our business center.
Oh, great. I can't wait 'til we're checked in, Dan,
so we can get down there to the business center.
Capital idea.
I need to fax a copy of my ass to our associates in Singapore.
If I could just get - a credit card for incidentals?
For who?
The points cover the room, but the card is in case
you want to order room service or purchase a movie.
Oh, sure. I-I guess... I'll just use this one.
Our platinum card's in the shop.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
Do I smell ham?
Hm.
I'm sorry, sir. This card was declined.
Would you like to try another one?
Uh, listen here, my good man,
we won't be getting any incidents,
so you can just skip that part.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I can't check you in without a credit card.
It's just the policy of the hotel.
And every hotel in the world.
What the hell's this country coming to
when you need money to get free stuff?
Let me tell ya something,
I don't even want to stay here now.
I just want to go home.
And if you saw where we live,
you would know what an insult that is.
Look at this.
This is not who I am.
It's what you've made me!
♪
You know, screw that hotel.
The two most important things about our anniversary
are right here.
What, me and ham?
[LAUGHS]
I was gonna say "liquor and ham,"
but I'm glad you joined us.
And now...
[CORK POPS]
...Mexican champagne.
Ooh!
It's pink. I guess that's the salsa.
Does Madame approve?
Hells, yeah, Madame does!
To the woman who makes it a pleasure
to wake up every morning.
Here's to you, Little Debbie.
♪
- Yes! - Who wants whipped cream?
Me.
Where are my baby birds?
Just for the kids.
[GROANS]
Hey, look.
When you connect the dots, it makes a giant bean.
You couldn't tell that without connecting the dots?
- Hey, chica. - Hey, gringa.
So, while I have you alone for a minute, um...
I've really been thinking about it,
and I'd be pretty irresponsible not to go after that job.
It doesn't work like that.
You can't say - you don't want a job one day
and then turn around and say you want it.
Well, I see you're well-versed in labor law.
I don't have any other options.
You don't need this job. You have a college degree.
Well, unfortunately, Walmart has no more openings
in their English Lit department.
You still have a better chance of finding something than I do.
I don't know what to say, Becky. I'm not doing this for me.
My kids need medical and dental.
Don't you want them to have that?
So because you have kids,
my problems will never be as important as yours?
Oh, you're right.
Us single moms have had it too easy for too long.
Uh, you might want to get back there.
Harris found some dirty phrases in the word search,
and now the little ones are asking questions.
[ROSEANNE LAUGHS]
Hey, my turn to spin the bottle now.
Okay.
Ohh!
- Oh! - [LAUGHS]
You got to kiss the ham.
[LAUGHS]
I've kissed worse.
[LAUGHS]
Mmm! Oohmm!
[LAUGHING]
What's so funny?
[SNORTS] Oh!
"Ham" is spelled the same way frontward and backward.
[LAUGHS]
Wow.
Methinks the lady hath been overserved.
[LAUGHING]
Arf!
[GROWLS, BARKS]
Are you growling at me?
Ruff!
I see how this is.
It's time to take this party to the bedroom.
[LAUGHS]
Arf!
[GROWLS]
Down, girl.
Ham!
[GROWLS]
Oh!
I gotta tell you,
I don't even recognize what it is we're doing anymore.
[LAUGHING]
What the hell, Rose?
You only had a couple of drinks.
[LAUGHS]
Well, it's not my fault.
The champagne on the Vicodin should say
"Do not take with label."
[LAUGHS]
But the good news is my knees are gone!
[LAUGHS]
How could you possibly have taken more Vicodin?
I didn't even get the prescription yet.
Well, you better get on it,
because my secret bottles are running low.
Hey, you look like my husband.
Hi.
Busy. Can't talk now.
I got an 8% tip riding on this.
Wait.
Crystal called me.
Thank you so much for not going after that job.
You don't have to thank me.
I didn't want to leave here anyway.
We just got cream-filled churros.
It's an exciting time.
Okay. Um... I won't thank you.
But I will give you a gift.
[GASPS] Brochures? Thanks!
I've seen these at the bank,
but I never dreamed of owning one.
Just read it, dork.
There's a program in hotel and restaurant management
at U of I, St. Charles, and I checked into it.
You qualify for a state grant
because, luckily, you're poor and old.
I work full time. I don't have time to go to school.
But they have night classes, or you can do it online.
Come on, Becky. You were always so great in school.
I'm 43 years old.
Okay, so in two years,
you can be a 45-year-old waitress hustling for tips
or you can be a 45-year-old with a degree
pulling down almost six figures a year.
And look, between classes, you can sit under a tree
and play guitar with one friend of every color.
I gotta get back to work.
I'll think about it.
Okay.
Thank you.
All right, I think I have one more thing to show you.
[SIGHS] I know you gave up a lot for me, so...
I feel I owe you this.
[LAUGHS]
♪
Good morning.
Afternoon, actually.
You okay?
My mouth hurts.
That's because the tug-of-war over the ham bone
took 20 minutes.
When did that happen?
Right after you tried to eat my pants.
Let's talk.
Not until I get a pill. I'm hurtin'.
You want pills?
[LOUD RATTLING]
I got pills.
Wow.
That's a lot of pills, Dan.
I think you might have a problem.
I do have a problem.
I found these pills hidden all over the house.
Why don't you tell me how big of a problem I have?
Well, you already admitted you have a problem,
so that's your first step.
So now you should go find a meeting.
Roseanne.
[SIGHS] Okay, I'm in pain,
so I take a few extra pills.
It's not like I'm a drug addict.
Really?
Who's Billy Kreski?
His mom gave those to me.
He got 'em when he got his wisdom teeth out.
If it wasn't for me,
the kid might've got hooked on pain pills.
You're hoarding pills,
you sent me out for more,
you blamed the kids... All lies.
45 years of marriage,
you've never lied to me like this before.
Or have you?
No.
I just didn't say anything
because we can't afford the surgery.
And I got these pills
'cause I'm gonna be dealing with this for a long time.
You don't have any idea how bad it hurts.
Yeah, I do. I got a bad back.
And when your back goes out,
you lay on the couch for two weeks,
and I wait on you hand and foot.
You know what happens when my knee hurts?
I do the cleaning, - the shopping, the cooking...
Fine! I'll do all that.
Just show me where the water bucket is
and the sponge on the stick thingy.
I'll cut back.
No, you won't.
You're taking these for more than pain.
Book the surgery.
[SCOFFS]
Where are we gonna get $3,000 for the deductible?
Look, if it's between you OD-ing
and me coming up with the money, I'll figure out something.
In the meantime, I'll give you one pill
"every six to eight hours for post-operative pain."
What the hell? Are You sure Marcy Bellinger doesn't need these?
When you get new boobs, compliments should be enough.
I got to take a walk.
I know you can do this.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[GROANS SOFTLY]
[SIGHS]
Ohh.
Oh, boy.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
♪
Here's your Crown and diet, ma'am.
Thanks, drank skank.
Ooh, you forgot my lemon.
Would you be a dear?
When I get back with a lemon,
are you gonna ask me to bring you a lime?
I wouldn't want to have to tell the manager
you mistreated me on my... birthday.
I'll be right back.
♪
Excuse me, sir.
That blonde over there asked me to give you her number,
and she loves when guys send pics.
There you go. Good luck.
♪
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com