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_
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[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]
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[Whirring]
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♪♪
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Man: It's alive!
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♪♪
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♪♪
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[Thunder rumbles]
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♪♪
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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You'll never get me to talk.
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Perhaps you'd like to see your
wife again, Mr. Potato Head.
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No! No! Nooo!
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♪♪
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Archie, you better not be up to
any mischief, or it's detention.
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Gosh, Miss Grundy,
I don't have time for mischief,
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what, with all
the homework you gave us.
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- Oh, wow. It's so hot.
- Oh, my!
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That is some grade-A
ginger beef right there.
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Ahem, give you a lift home, Archie?
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Jeepers, Miss Grundy,
that would be swell.
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Listen, Archie,
you're never going to get
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- a passing grade in my class.
- Aw, shucks.
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However, I'll give you an "A"
if you give me the "D"...
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in the "A."
[Both moaning]
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Oh, Archie! Oh!
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[Bell rings]
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Oh, why can't I resist
that silver minx?
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She's like a fine steak,
aged to perfection.
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- Oopsy!
- Oh!
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[Both moaning]
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- Oh, Archie!
- Oh, Miss Grundy!
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- Call me Geraldine.
- Well, somehow that's even
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grosser sounding
than Miss Grundy.
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[Moaning] Oh, your tongue
is rough. Hmm.
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- You've a bad girl, Miss Grundy!
- Is that the best you've got?
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Hi, I'm producer Greg Berlanti.
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You're watching the original
un-aired pilot
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for "Riverdale" on the CW.
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The first note from the network was
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"For the love of all that's holy,
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please make Miss Grundy 22
instead of 82."
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Bad note, but whatevs.
Their second note was to definitely
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cut this next part out of the script.
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Who's up for a human centipede ...
with cheese?!
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Encyclopedia Brown, who forgot
to flush the toilet again?
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For the answer to the mystery
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of who forgot to flush the
toilet again, turn to page 196.
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It was me!
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I hate snakes, Jock, I hate 'em!
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Henry, I know you're taking
the divorce very hard,
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but there's someone
I want you to meet.
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- Steven?
- Hiya, sssport!
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Your mom sssays
you're a real ssspecial guy!
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How'd you like a catchersss mitt?
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- Huh, little man?
- [Grunts] I'll never love you!
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- Henry! Oh!
- Give him sssome time.
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You've got a ssswell...
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ssssssson there.
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[Applause]
[Music]
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Hey, legless, you're in my seat.
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Now, sssir, you're sssloshed.
I think it would be better
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for everyone if you'd ssscram.
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Why don't you unhinge that
jaw and ssssuck my cock?
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- Stop! You'll kill him!
- Aah!
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I don't know, Indy, it
doesn't sound like any of that
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- was the snake's fault.
- Also, he swallowed my mother.
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Wow, talk about burying the lede.
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Rock, paper, scissors.
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Shoot!
Oh! Rock beats scissors.
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Narrator: Edward threw "paper"
that time, but how could she know?
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How could she know?
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Man: As kids, we attained
the ability to transform
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into any animal we touched.
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Yeah, we're Animorphs,
and we're in college, yo!
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[Cats meow]
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[Purring]
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Ha ha, yeah!
All right! High-five!
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Man #2: Oh, Cassie,
you're a girl and I'm ...
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- This is gonna make my father furious!
- Bark, bark, bark!
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- Bark!
- Whoa?!
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- I knew you were cheating on me!
- Jake, I can explain! [Cries]
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Hey, just out of curiosity, what
was your explanation gonna be?
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- Oh, no. We forgot to study!
- No worries. I got this.
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[Buzzing]
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Oh, God!
Marco!
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Man #3: So, Dexter, tell me why
you think you're M.I.T. material.
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Surely you are joking!
Ah, I see.
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Trying to justify your salary.
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Well, I was a boy genius.
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I built a secret laboratory
at age seven
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where I created
brilliant inventions.
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Right, but I don't see
any extracurriculars here.
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Um, extracurriculars?
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
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Like, you know, sports,
clubs, student council,
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- a single kiss from a girl.
- I can clone human beings.
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I've made time machine
and a time expansion helmet.
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So no extracurriculars?
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[Groans angrily]
I'll show you extracurriculars.
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[Laughs]
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♪♪
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Dexter, Dexter, guess what?!
I got into M. I. T.,
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Harvard, and Yale because
I'm so well-rounded!
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What were the last two?
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Harvard and Yale!
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[Laughs]
Harvard and Yale.
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At last! A mini bust of
Burgess Merediths' 1966 Penguin.
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Ah!
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Oh, not that my collection of
nerd paraphernalia is complete,
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I can finally start living
a life of rewarding personal
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relationships and get on a healthy
regiment of diet and exercise.
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[Breathes heavily]
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Get, get ...
Get right on that.
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_
♪♪
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_
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Man-E Faces, you are...
not the father!
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I knew it! Yes!
[Audience gasping]
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- But you are!
- Aw, damn it!
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[Robotically] Cash me outside.
How 'bout that?!
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Livewire, Toyman, show me
your plans to destroy Supergirl
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- and I will fund the best idea.
- Feast your eyes, Maxwell Lord.
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A military assault vehicle
made out of pure kryptonite.
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- Very intriguing.
- What the hell is that?
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- Kryptonite vibrator.
- That is absurd.
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Why not make a kryptonite
sword or use kryptonite bullets?
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This way, she does
all the work for us. [Laughs]
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That's ... that's idiotic!
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Tell you what,
I'll fund both projects,
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then we'll see who kills
Supergirl first.
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_
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The time has arrived.
Livewire, show me your device.
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[Rattling]
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Money well spent.
Toyman, your turn.
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Oh, me, ready for me ...
um, okay, here we go.
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So I might have over-promised.
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It turns out there's a reason
Ford and GM
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don't build cars out of fucking rock.
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Well, at any rate, now
it's time to kill Supergirl.
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- Now?!
- Now?!
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[Kid laughs]
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There she is!
Run her down! [Laughs]
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No matter.
Fire the weapons.
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Uh, yeah, so no weapons.
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I actually spent my entire
budget on the stone workers.
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Freakin' prima donnas.
They all think they're Michelangelo.
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Ow! Ooh!
Livewire, you're up.
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Look.
Um...
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I tried to make a kryptonite vibrator,
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but I ran out of time,
so I painted a regular vibrator
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with glow-in-the-dark paint.
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Just take it. Please, please?
I'll give you $5.
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Come on, take it.
Take it, take it.
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You're making me look
like a real asshole
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in front of my friends.
[Groans]
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All right.
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I really shouldn't but... [Chuckles]
it's a Tuesday.
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[Bell tolls]
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I lied! It really was
a kryptonite vibrator.
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So you mean to tell me that
Supergirl accepted a vibrator
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a super-villain handed
to her on the street
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- and actually put into her...
- This is a Goddamn funeral!
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Oh, I'm so happy
to have my boys home
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from a long day of fighting.
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Oh, no!
Grandma's having a stroke!
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But whatever does not
kill us makes us stronger.
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Up your butt, Nietzsche!
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Ow, mein arm!
Ah!
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Yah!
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[Zapping]
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Announcer: And now
watch a guy named Chet
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choose a girlfriend
by dating her mom!
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It's MTV's "Date My Mom!"
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A castle?
This family's loaded!
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Just call me Belle.
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I like Belle 'cause
she's super smart and shit.
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She was reading on our date
and using big words and shit,
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so that's kind of hot.
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- So tell me about your daughter.
- She loves reading Tolstoy
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- and Gabrielle Garcia Marquez and...
- Totally. Same.
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Is she hot, though?
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[Doorbell rings]
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Whoa!
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I wouldn't mind Mrs. Rabbit
gnawing on this carrot.
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- So tell me about your daughter.
- Well, she's so sweet
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- and gets very good grades.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
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Uh-huh. Huh?
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The best part of my date
with Mrs. Rabbit
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was when she had big boobs.
The worst part
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was when I realised I had
to throw away my swim trunks
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'cause I peed white.
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Yeah, he did jizz
his pants a few times.
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I pretended not to notice,
but I definitely noticed.
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[Growls]
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My final date is
with a bear, seriously?
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[Growls]
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You want me to ask them
to put up the bumpers?
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00:09:23,643 --> 00:09:25,743
[Roars]
Okay, okay, no bumpers!
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The worst part of my date, when
the bear mauled a little boy.
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I watched the light leave his eyes,
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and I realized life is fleeting
and we gotta make the most of it.
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Tomorrow, I'm gonna
choose the big-boob lady.
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Belle, I had a chill time with you.
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But time spent reading
is time not boning!
204
00:09:43,329 --> 00:09:46,097
Sorry. I do not want
to date your daughter.
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No, no, rejected.
Get back in the limo.
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Bear, you're a bear, and I'm
afraid your daughter is a bear.
207
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So I do not want
to date your bear.
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[Roars]
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Damn!
That bear is hot!
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So, yeah, Mrs. Rabbit,
I obviously chose your daughter.
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Let's see her!
Come on, baby! Bring her out!
212
00:10:05,318 --> 00:10:06,784
[Laughs]
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00:10:06,819 --> 00:10:09,153
- No!
- Give me a kiss!
214
00:10:09,188 --> 00:10:11,222
Can I take it all back?
Is the bear-girl still here?
215
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- Please!
- Start making babies, you two.
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- Oh, yeah!
- No, no!
217
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- Babies, give me!
- No, no, no!
218
00:10:17,163 --> 00:10:22,767
IIIII...
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fuuuuuuu-ck
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youuuuur...
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moooooo...
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mmm.
Slow burn.
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♪♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
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♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
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- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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sync & correction by f1nc0
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