Dad?
Yeah, pal?
Can we get a cat?
Don't we already have a cat?
No.
Who's that bowl of cat food out on the back patio for?
Oh, that's Tabby's. She lives next door.
She comes to eat here sometimes.
So, you get to play with her and stuff,
but you don't have to clean up after her?
Right.
We're not getting a cat.
We'll see you then. Okay, Ron.
Okay, bye.
Who's Ron?
He lives down the street.
Me and Davey are meeting him and his son in the park.
Is Ron gonna bring his marionettes?
Not today, buddy. Go, get dressed.
Marionettes?
He puts on a little show.
I'll bet.
Kind of curious about a guy who'll take off from work
and spend the day sticking his hand up a sock's ass.
Marionettes have strings.
And he's not taking off of work. His wife works.
Ron stays at home and takes care of the kids.
He's a housewife.
He's a stay-at-home dad, and he's a very nice person.
What?
I get it.
What?
He's staying at home and doing his little tea parties
and puppet shows for the neighbor ladies, so that
eventually he can bang them.
Yeah.
You know, not every man would do what you would do.
Honey, that's not what I would do, okay?
By the way, have you seen the women who live
in this neighborhood?
It's like we're living on big ass avenue.
I know.
I hate to burst your sick little bubble,
but Ron's been a perfect gentleman.
Oh, yeah. All part of the evil plan.
Perfect gentleman, perfect gentleman,
tongue down your throat.
That's lovely.
I'll tell Ron you said hello.
Yeah, you do that.
Puppets. Unbelievable.
[ Music ]
♪ This modern day America ♪
hey, mike.
Hey, how you doing? How's it going?
Jerry.
Right, jerry, I know.
You lived next door for, like, two years now.
It's 10, it was 10 years.
I work a lot.
Oh, I think our garbage cans got mixed up,
mine are a little greener.
So, uh, you know, when you get the chance.
Sure, sure.
Now let me ask you something.
Sure.
You know this guy, Ron, lives a few houses down?
Ron kegler.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a nice guy.
That's what I hear.
He, uh--you know Linda franks, lives in the blue house?
Blonde, fat?
Redhead.
Fat?
Yeah.
What about her?
Well, rumor is, Ron was banging her.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, thanks, gar.
See you around.
You want us to spy on your wife?
You're not spying on my wife, you're spying on the puppet boy.
Okay, mike.
Al and I, we've been talking.
And the--the--the thing is, is that, we're just
getting a little tired of doing your personal errands.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, we want you to respect us.
But we don't think that we can gain that respect
if we're always running around like a couple of errand boys.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
You feel the same way?
Okay, I can respect that. But I got to warn you--
it's not a good respect. It's not good.
It's kind of a pissed off respect
where I'm basically gonna make your life a living hell
every chance I get.
Bu-bye.
Mike.
Yes?
We're only going for an hour, and that's it.
Great, guys, great.
Now, just keep an eye on him, and see if he makes a move
on her or anything, right?
And whatever you do, don't let Karen see you.
We can handle it, okay?
All right. Thanks.
Why didn't you say anything?
Just forget it.
You don't want to find it? Is that what you're telling me?
He doesn't want to find it.
Find what?
Deniro's dog.
What?
Robert Deniro's dog.
Friend of mine from downtown called,
said they got a call first thing this morning,
Robert Deniro's dog is missing.
He thinks he's gonna meet Deniro.
He's my hero. Ask me anything.
What did he have for breakfast?
A real question, about one of his movies.
All right.
Okay.
In "Stanley and iris"--
he was retarded, right?
No, that was the robin Williams one.
That was "awakenings."
And he wasn't retarded, he had a disease.
What do you think being retarded is, a flu?
[Phone ringing]
Manetti.
Yeah.
When?
Okay, we're going.
Somebody saw the dog down near canal.
Come on, let's go.
Tommy, it's Deniro's dog.
If it was his wife, that'd be a different matter.
You ever see her? Gorgeous.
She's black.
Move your ass.
I never was with a black woman.
One time I was with a girl who was a mix, black and white.
What do they call that, milano?
That's a cookie.
Come on.
Cookies are good.
I just got a call from the mayor's office.
Oh, I don't like this.
It seems a 10 year-old daughter of a friend of the mayor's
was leaving a dry cleaners with her mother--
getting worse.
And a dead pigeon falls off a window ledge
and hits the girl on the head.
Public health says that there's been 14 pigeons
found in this neighborhood, all poisoned.
Now the mayor wants to find out who's doing it.
Of course he does.
You know, all the problems we got in this city,
he wants to toss a guy in jail for killing 14 crap machines.
All due respect, lieutenant, we got a lot of stuff
going on right now.
We got the Rodriguez murder, we got this other case, we--
McNEIL, find the time.
This is very important to the mayor,
which means it's very important to me.
Do I need to finish this equation?
Did you know pigeons were originally
brought to this country as a food source?
Get up.
What makes you think the dog is still in tribeca?
He may have went uptown to see the sights.
Frank, dogs are very territorial.
They don't go far from home. Keep your eyes open.
How could I keep my eyes open for a dog,
when all I can think about is black chicks.
You know, I've never been with a black woman,
although I know a lot about them.
They're wild, they're uninhibited,
they're athletic.
Man, if I had a black chick, it'd be fantastic.
It'd change my whole life.
Ah, who am I kidding?
It'd be just like all the rest.
"Frank, take a shower first."
"Frank, get off me, you're hurting me."
"Frank, I told you I'd never do it like that."
"Go faster, frank. Go slower, frank."
Ah, who needs it?
Oh, will you shut up?
I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do when I meet Deniro.
I don't even know what to call him.
"Mr. Deniro's" too formal.
Robert?
That don't work.
His friends call him bob.
Yeah, but that might be a little presumptuous
coming from me.
What do you think?
I think you ought to get a cage, get in it,
and send yourself to the circus, 'cause you're a freak.
Just shut up.
Mulatto, that's it!
Boy, has that been bugging me.
Eyewitness is a girl working in the coffee shop,
was dumping bread crumbs out back by the dumpster.
Sounds like our killer.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take this down to the lab,
you want to talk to the girl?
I'll talk to her, yeah.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Ever had any women friends that you weren't interested
in having sex with?
Where's this coming from?
Answer the question.
Yeah.
I got a lot of women friends.
Really?
Where your interest is completely pure?
Yeah.
Women friends are great, man, they give you
a whole new perspective.
You go shopping, drink some tea, talk.
Okay, you know what?
Next time I have this conversation,
remind me to have it with another man, okay?
Oh, so that makes me less of a man,
because I actually might be interested in what a woman
has to say?
No, but the tea and shopping part?
Might want to check your testosterone, pip.
I think you're down a couple quarts.
So, you were just feeding pigeons.
Yeah. That's all.
We got a lot of bread crumbs, and that's how I get rid of them.
So.
Are you really a cop?
Yes.
Where do you work in, like, um, the bird homicide division, or--
look, if you see or hear anything suspicious,
don't, uh, hesitate to give us a call.
Okay.
Hey, um, do you just deal with cases involving birds?
Because I saw this guy step on an ant the other day.
You know, uh, I know on the surface,
this case may seem like it's just about pigeons,
but it's actually more than that.
Much more.
And, uh, we just don't want to alarm people.
But, uh, can you keep a secret?
Yeah, sure.
That is the biggest zit I've ever seen.
Bu-bye.
Ron's great, isn't he?
Hi, Jen. You look slimmer.
Diet. I've lost four pounds.
So, it's just you and Ron here today.
And Davey and Zack.
I just meant, I know you come here sometimes
with Suzie and her boy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mike's got me a little nuts.
He thinks Ron's some sort of romeo.
Psst! Can you hear anything?
He's got a really great ass, doesn't he?
Like a really nice peach.
Are you waiting for the restroom?
No.
Is someone in there?
No.
I'll be waiting right here, sweetheart, okay?
Hurry up, lard ass, we're gonna lose him.
Look at all this garbage.
It's like a tetanus shot waiting to happen.
We got him. We got him.
That's the dog.
That's not a dog, that's a purse.
It's the dog, I got this.
This fax came from Deniro's office this morning.
Look at the picture.
Give me a break, will you?
Robert Deniro wants a dog, he settles for this?
Drill a hole in its head, that's a tissue dispenser.
Hello puppy.
What a good boy you are.
Yes.
Oh, don't be afraid.
We're gonna take you back to bob.
[Growl]
Look at the way his ears perked up when I said "bob."
His ears perked up 'cause he's got sonar.
That's not a dog, it's a member
of the bat family.
Hello, baby.
That's it. Come here.
Come here, yeah.
It's gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Hey.
Get out of the way.
He weighs four ounces, and you're backing away?
Hey.
Hi, sweetheart.
Yeah.
Don't be afraid of frank, come on.
Ow, you little brat!
I don't care whose dog that is, I'm gonna shove
a pole up your ass, I'm going to roast you,
and I'm going to eat you.
Don't scare it.
I'm not gonna scare it, I'm gonna grill it.
Don't' eat it. All right?
Just, look at me.
Calm down, just keep an eye on it, all right?
I'll be right over here, I'm gonna call for backup.
[Growls]
Come on, you want to try that again, huh?
You want some of this?
Come on, tough guy. Come on.
Frank, put it away.
I know it sounds stupid, but I still want Davey
to play the flute.
It's not stupid.
Did you see that?
Guys, you want to step over here?
We're just waiting to use the restroom.
They've been here a long time.
We've had a problem with drug dealers here before.
No, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You guys dealing drugs, or are you just
kicking your kicks watching kids go to the can?
No, no, no. We're detectives.
From the city?
We're the two one.
All right, let's see your badge.
Slow.
Why aren't they in the city, then?
All right.
Look, you guys on official business, or what?
Yes.
No.
Well, it's, like, not exactly.
All right.
Then I got to ask you to move on, then.
We understand. No problem.
Hey, mom, look at the cops.
Hey, those guys work with mike.
[ Music ]
Hey.
Seen Ruben and Al?
No, but I got the report back from the lab on your pigeons.
Your birds ate a pesticide called "phenistryld,"
had respiratory failure somewhere between 15 minutes
and two days after ingestion.
Really?
Two days.
Isn't that, like, one day less than the birds
who aren't poisoned live?
Pip, I swear to god, if you tell me the average
life span of a city-dwelling pigeon right now,
I'm gonna shoot you.
Guess I'm watching discovery channel
for nothing.
Hey, why are you looking for Ruben and Al?
No reason.
Let me ask you something.
You got any guy friends who are just, like, friends?
Like, not interested in sex?
Oh yeah, of course.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Straight guys?
No.
Hey.
Nice shootin'.
There'll be a little something extra
in your envelope this week.
Hey, tommy, come on, we got to go, we got a call.
That's right. We got to go see Mr. Deniro.
No, no. Pauly the pipe's back in town.
They spotted him at his mother's house.
So? We'll get him after.
Pauly the pipe?
The suspect in the Rodriguez murders?
Come on, we've been waiting for this guy for three weeks.
Oh, frank.
You got no sense of priorities.
It was hard to hear, but at one point,
they started talking about a cook top.
What's a cook top?
It's like a stove.
Why don't you just say-- forget it.
What--what was the body language like,
how close were they sitting?
Pretty close.
Medium close.
Medium?
At one point, he sort of put his arm around her.
He's dead. I'm gonna kill him.
No, no, no. It wasn't a long hug.
Now it's a hug?
Not a hug, hug, an arm hug.
What the hell's an arm hug?
You know.
No I don't. Show me.
Come on.
What the hell's that?
Show me on Al.
You want me to hug Al?
I want you to arm hug Al.
Come on, quickly. Let's go.
That's it?
Yeah.
It was like this little squeeze.
Yeah, yeah, I can see the squeeze--Stop, stop, stop.
What else?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
We had to leave.
To go where?
We got a call, some case.
All right.
Hey, uh, she didn't see you, right?
Huh?
Did she see you--Karen?
No.
All right. Good job, guys.
[ Music ]
He told me he was here, I'm sorry.
We got to get some new informants.
Well, they're usually very reliable
when they're not high.
Oh my god, my car.
Deniro's dog destroyed my backseat.
You know what? That's not Deniro's dog.
That's Joe pesci's dog.
You've been a busy little psycho, haven't you, huh?
Hey.
Come out from behind that glass, you coward, I'll bop you one.
This car's four months old, it still has the new car smell in it.
Not anymore it doesn't.
Oh.
Yeah, you know what will get the stink out of the car?
What?
No, I'm asking you.
I don't think there is anything.
What are you doing?
Trying to find my wife.
Not home?
Nope.
Any idea where she is?
Nope, but I got a pretty good idea who she's with.
Not a good day, pip.
Not a good day.
[ Music ]
[ Dog growling ]
Shhh!
What are we doing?
All right. Give me a minute.
Let me think.
This is a big moment for me,
I want it to go right.
Hello, sir. We found your dog.
Hello, sir?
Yeah.
It sounds like I'm talking to my father.
Enough already.
Frank, what are you doing?
I'm trying to get this thing over with.
We'll meet Deniro, open the box, let the dog chew his face off,
and then we'll get the hell out of here.
But I'm not ready yet, give me a minute to--
can I help you?
Yes.
We'd like to speak to Mr. Denegro.
Excuse me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, is he in?
We found his dog.
Mr. Deniro's dog was found three hours ago.
Are you sure?
We got his dog right here.
Are you happy?
I called him Mr. Denegro.
Yeah, I heard that.
You know, in retrospect, and I realize this is easy to say now.
But, you should have gone with Robert, or bob.
Oh, well, next time.
Come on.
No, no, no.
I got to stay and apologize.
Just leave the mutt and let's go.
No, the man is my hero, frank.
I can't let it end like this. I'll take care of it.
All right?
Hi.
This is for you.
Come on, frank, let's go.
Don't look back.
You nitwit.
I know. Stay with me.
Hey.
You sent Ruben and Al to spy on your wife?
Who told you that?
Al.
Yeah.
This guy who lives in the neighborhood,
doesn't work, home all day. Does puppet shows.
Puppet shows, wow.
Yeah.
So I--I don't think she sees it coming.
Maybe I'm just paranoid.
I don't know. What do you think?
You know, I was kind of worried about you, Michael.
But this is a very encouraging sign.
You love your wife, you love your wife,
and the idea that you could lose her
to this puppet guy is actually kicking your ass.
Of course, I love my wife.
Then why the girlfriend?
You know, you always bring it back to the girlfriend.
Why do you always have one?
Go home. Show her a little attention.
Buy her some flowers, dinner. It's a cliche 'cause it works.
Really?
Yeah.
And for the record--
women love puppet shows.
Look at me, I'm billy the talking goat.
You're a sock.
No, I'm a goat.
You're my dad's sock.
Eat some pants, I'm--
hey.
What are you doing?
I'm billy the talking goat.
Hey.
Mom, can I go watch "spongebob?"
See ya, pal.
Ah, somebody told me that women like puppets.
Jan?
Yeah.
She's funny.
I didn't hear you come in.
Yeah, just, uh--
are these for me?
Yes.
Little present.
What for?
For being such a sexy young thing.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
Or, maybe it's because you feel guilty
for sending those two young guys from the squad
down to spy on me--
no, no.
And Ron.
Honey, I didn't send anybody--
ow. Ow.
The truth will get you this.
Oh.
Okay. Okay. I did send them.
Good.
That's good.
Yeah.
It's sick. It's twisted.
But at least I know you care. Let's go upstairs.
Yeah, but what about, uh--
he's watching "spongebob."
I know.
Who is sponge--
right now, he's our babysitter, come on.
All right.
I should spy on you more often, I guess.
Maybe I'll spy on you.
What?
Relax. I'm just kidding.
Here, let me get rid of the thing.
No, that's okay.
It--I--it works.
Yeah?
Yeah.
[ Music ]
That was great. That was really great.
Yeah.
I just wish we did it more often.
You know, once every three weeks.
I know.
It's not that I'm complaining, it's, that was,
I just think it's great when we sort of
go at each other like that, that was really hot.
Yeah.
And it's such a nice change.
Ron's always so touchy feely.
What?
[ Laughter ]
Oh.
Very funny. Very funny.
[ Music ]
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