[ Music ]
That was great.
So we'll do it again, what, Tuesday?
I wanna see you before Tuesday, mike.
How 'bout dinner tomorrow?
Honey, I can't. I gotta take the kids
to the circus.
Oh, come on.
Wouldn't you rather go to dinner
with just you and me,
my parents, a nice bottle of wine?
Mmm.
Wait, wait, wait.
Back up, did you just say "parents?"
Yes.
Honey, are you nuts?
My parents are coming to town, mike,
and they really wanna meet you.
Yeah, I betcha they can't wait
to meet the married boyfriend.
Come on.
They're wonderful people, mike, you'll really like them.
Yeah, well, I don't know about that, honey.
I haven't met 'em yet and they're already pissin' me off.
What, you don't wanna meet them?
Let me explain a little something
about adultery to you, sweetheart.
It's the type of thing you wanna keep a lid on.
You know?
You don't send out "hey, look at me,
I'm about to commit adultery" cards,
you don't march in the "adultery day parade"
and you don't meet each other's parents, believe me, it works.
People have been doin' it this way for thousands of years.
So you don't wanna do this little thing for me?
Honey, it's not a little thing, it's huge.
It's gigantic.
Yeah, you might have to think of me as an actual person
instead of whatever it is you think.
[ Sigh ]
I really want you to meet them tomorrow.
Get ready for the end of the conversation, sweetheart,
'cause here it comes.
No.
I'll see ya Tuesday.
Bye.
See ya tomorrow.
[ Music ]
♪ This is modern day America ♪
these are the most comfortable pants
I have ever had in my life, ever.
That's great.
Yeah, they have plenty of room, like if I have
to run after somebody, but yet, they hold they're shape
when I'm at rest.
And soft, oh my goodness, feel the fabric.
No.
Come on, man, you won't believe it.
Yeah, I believe it.
You gotta experience it for yourself.
Feel the pants.
I'm not feeling the pants, okay?
Just drop the pants.
I mean, don't drop 'em, just stop talkin' about 'em.
Your loss.
Yeah, okay, Calvin Klein.
Hi, honey.
Look, Jan's got company.
Crystal blue.
Jan, just Jan.
So you're a cop?
Yeah, I'm a cop. I don't think so.
It's cool; you're here about the muggings.
Maybe you should find another spot.
Could I ask you a question?
Are you hooked up with anyone?
What do you mean?
I know this cop uptown, he's single, heart of gold,
helped me get back on the right track.
This is the right track?
Everything has always gotta be about you.
Here I am, all excited about my new pants.
What do I get from you?
Nothin'.
You know what?
I don't need this at work, okay? I get this at home;
I can get this at my girlfriend's.
And what is she thinkin' wantin' you to meet her parents?
That girl is crazy.
You gotta get away from that.
Oh yeah, right, and then what?
As incredible as it may sound,
you live with your wife.
Pip, you don't understand.
Havin' Toni makes me a better husband to Karen.
Oh, so you're cheatin' on your wife to save your marriage.
Yeah, it's workin', ain't it?
Yeah, like a swiss watch.
Yeah, well--
I'll find another spot.
You wouldn't really have dinner with her parents,
would you?
Hell no, that's crossi'' the line for me, man.
Oh, you still have lines?
Yeah, I have lines, okay?
I gotta lot of lines.
I'm the line king.
There's the car.
Let's go.
[ Car engine and siren ]
Hey, stop!!
You okay, you alright?
I'm fine, get him!
Get him!
Stop right here!
Let me go!
Shut up!
Hey, get your stinkin' hands off me, you fat bastard!
Whoa, what's my mother doin' here?
That's your mother?
If it's not, it's an incredible simulation.
[ Scream ]
What are you starin' at, you pig-faced freak?
Come on, miss manners, we got a cozy little cage
over here for ya.
If you don't let go of me, I swear
I'm gonna tear your head off and make you eat it!
Are there any more like you at home
or did you kill them all?
Here, lock her up.
Nice mom, tommy.
Same voice. It's eerie.
It's like being home again.
Did you see the way she was lookin' at me?
Like you were a bug she wanted to stomp on?
How's my hair?
You're a dreamboat.
You also need a ton of professional help.
[ Screaming ]
Hey, can I help you?
Oh, I'm Barry breen, I work uptown.
You're Jan?
Yeah, do we know each other?
Not yet.
You met a friend of mine last night.
Crystal.
Oh, yeah.
How you doin'?
Great now, crystal was right about you,
you're gorgeous.
You're kidding.
I'm sorry, I'm being way too forward.
Oh, no, no, no.
Do you think it would be alright if we had a drink
after work?
[ Music ]
Who ate the last cruller?
I've been thinking about that for 45 minutes.
You ate it.
I did? Did I enjoy it?
Forget about that.
What did she do?
Who?
The blond chick with the vocabulary
and the bullhorn implant.
Oh, the nut?
Yeah.
Well, she nearly beat the holy hell
out of her boyfriend.
He managed to call 9-1-1 from under the sofa.
By the time they got there, he was holdin' her off
with bug spray and a Louisville slugger.
No kiddin'?
Well, let's see, we got her on assault,
disturbin' the peace, and being a giant
pain in the ass.
I think we can add assaulting an officer.
She assaulted you?
With her saliva.
Every time she opened her mouth it was like a trip to the falls.
Hey, when you brought her back there,
she say anything about me?
[ Music ]
So is this weird?
What?
You know, getting set up on a date by a hooker?
It makes me feel a little, I don't know--
like you're a hooker?
Thanks, Ruben, that was really helpful.
[ Telephone ringing ]
Fendrich.
Hey, Jan.
Hey, Karen.
Who's Toni?
I don't know, let's ask him.
Your wife's on the phone, who's Toni?
Hi.
I just got a weird call from a woman named "Toni."
She said she was looking for you.
[ Music ]
She works here.
I mean not here here, here in the building here.
Not in the office here, but she's, uh, she's in burglary.
She didn't sound like a cop.
Oh, you know what?
That's one of the things that's held her back career-wise.
She's got a really bad voice for a cop.
Well, you should call her 'cause I didn't understand
half of what she was sayin'.
Okay, I'll talk to her right now.
It's nothin', forget about it, okay?
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Oh, thanks.
Oh yeah.
Well, thank god we're all just here to help you get laid.
What the hell's the matter with you, are you nuts?
I want you to meet my parents.
No.
Either you meet my parents or I call your wife again.
You wouldn't dare.
Wanna try me?
[ Dial tone ]
[ Music ]
Hey, sweetie.
Oh, you look so cute and you're wearing a tie.
Yeah, I always wear a tie when I'm getting blackmailed.
Hey, can I get a double bushmill's and a beer, please?
Sure thing.
I thought you were gonna come up
with some bogus excuse to get out of this.
I'm running through my bogus excuse list as we speak.
When I come up with one, you'll be the first to know.
Excuse me, your table's ready.
I have a drink order here, can you make sure
it gets to the table?
Absolutely.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, you can set a watch by them,
they are always on time.
There's my baby, hello, sweet potato.
Look at you!
Oh, you two look great.
Wonderful.
Oh, so this must be mike.
Hi, how are you?
How are you?
Well, well, well, mike, at long last.
I've heard a lot about you.
All lies, I can promise you that.
[ Laughter ]
Well, come on, our table's ready.
Let me get a waiter and get you guys some drinks.
We don't drink.
Oh.
Being a man of the cloth, I have never felt the need
to expose myself to the temptations of liquor.
It's a weakness.
Yes, yes, it is.
That's why I quit.
Um, this is before I met you, honey,
I was blessed with a message from above and temptation
lost out to sobriety and strength,
yes-siree-bob.
No, no, this is a mistake.
No, I ordered milk, actually.
Yeah, I'll just take care of this,
I'll be right back.
So this is how you meet women?
Get crystal to hook you up?
She knows I've been kinda lonely,
lookin' for someone special.
She sure guessed right about you.
How did you meet her anyway?
I pulled detail on some prostitute beatings
a couple years ago, kept an eye on the girls for a while.
What?
So you're like the most decent guy I've been out with
since 'bout eight grade and I have great radar for jerks
and there's absolutely nothing coming up on the screen.
So what are the chances of turning these drinks
into dinner?
[ Music ]
It's been ten minutes where you--
did you drink all that?
I'm nervous, okay?
Thanks.
Hey, mike, what's with all the lying?
I don't know,
I just opened my mouth and it just came out.
Not just a little fib,
I made a giant total falsehood.
I mean, I lie on a regular basis, but this is insane.
I quit drinking?
Where did I get my balls big enough to say I quit drinking?
Oh my god, I feel like I have a disease
or somethin' or some kind of a flu.
Like bill clintonitis or somethin'.
Take that.
Come on, they're waiting for us.
Okay.
Cool and calm.
So had kind of a tough time with your boyfriend, huh?
Hey, you can cram it up your ass, loser.
I don't have to tell you squat without my lawyer.
Take it easy, I'm not interrogatin' ya.
Yeah, then what are you doin'?
Tryin' to get to know ya.
You hittin' on me?
Yeah, like that.
How's your ziti?
What is this, a date now?
Yeah, if you wanna call it that.
So why'd you beat up your boyfriend?
He irritated me.
Yeah?
I asked him to do one thing: take out the trash,
he didn't do it.
He forgot?
No, he didn't forget.
He had to work late.
So he couldn't do it.
Life is about choices, he chose to ignore what I said
and to work late.
Now, if I don't do something about that,
then I'm the idiot, right?
Absolutely.
I understand completely.
You know, I like a girl with strong opinions.
I could beat the piss out of you
with both hands tied behind my back.
What would I be wearing?
So the drinking?
Yeah, I used to drink because of the dangers of the job,
plus I've had no family, so I'd come home
to an empty apartment and, quite frankly,
I would drink to a dull deep pain.
Both deep, physical and psychological pain.
And--but then I woke up one morning and I just said:
"hey, that's it.
I'm quittin' cold turkey."
Yeah, so, the drinkin', the smokin', the cursin',
the whole nine yards.
And quite frankly, I think I'm a better person for it
and I met your lovely daughter and-- Aghhh--
it's a wonderful life.
Compliments of the bartender.
See, I haven't seen him in years,
I really should just go and fill him in on everything.
What a man.
All the pain he's in.
Such dedication.
Yeah, he's dedicated alright.
[ Music ]
Bad news.
Can't get a table for an hour.
Oh, I'm starving, I'm never gonna last that long.
I kinda have a back up plan.
Really?
I'm a pretty decent cook,
if you don't mind comin' over to my place.
Uh-huh.
How much did you pay that guy so we couldn't have a table?
Twenty bucks.
Oh, that's good.
What the hell was that?
I don't know honey; it's out of my control.
It's weird, it's like I'm superman
and your dad is kryptonite.
It's unbelievable.
He asks me a question and my eyes just explode
out of my head.
I can't do this, this is wrong.
Lying is a science; it's a very complicated thing.
It's like being in the army; you gotta have map and plans
and the whole back up system.
You can't go haphazard like this.
I mean, I can't work this way, you know?
I can't talk to him anymore.
I'm afraid of what I might say next.
I don't know, I'm a virgin, I read the bible,
I fought in Vietnam, anything is possible.
Ooohhhh!!!
What did you do that for?
Take those.
You go back to that table,
you suck it up, you keep it simple, yes and no answers.
You make this work or else I will put your testicles
on display in a pickle jar in the middle of times square.
Capice?
Great, I'm having an affair with tony soprano.
[ Music ]
You know, mike, Toni doesn't usually introduce us
to her boyfriends.
So I'm guessing this is serious.
Am I right?
Yes.
Don't put him on the spot, daddy.
Oh, he can take it, this man impresses me.
He puts his life on the line everyday for his community.
And I imagine he's the kind of fellow that doesn't take
too many risks.
He thinks things through and when he makes a commitment,
it's for real.
Mm-hmm.
And that's what it takes to hold a family together.
Commitment.
I see it in my work, mike, and I'm sure that you see it
in your work as well.
Oh yeah.
Plan to have a family yourself someday?
Mm-hmm.
Mike, hi.
What a surprise.
What are you doing here?
I thought you guys where going to the circus tonight.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm patty, Karen's friend; mike's wife.
Oh, will you tell Karen that Thursday is great
for a play date with the kids?
Bye.
I'm gay.
♪ The look of love is in your eyes ♪
come on, tommy, you gotta get out of here.
Give me a second. No, now. We gotta situation here.
So can I call ya?
Oh, you got balls.
You ain't kiddin'.
You play your cards right and you'll get visual confirmation.
I'll be back.
Don't move.
What are you doin'?
I got a beautiful thing goin' on in there
and you're bustin' it up.
You gotta lay low, pal.
Psycho bitch's boyfriend's back and he wants to drop
all the charges and take her back home.
Well, where is he?
You don't want to see him.
[ Music ]
I'm droppin' all the charges.
That's the guy she beat up?
This is gonna be great.
You're not gay? No.
But you are married? Kinda.
And you drink? Like a fish.
Oh, no.
Now you see?
You see what lyin' has wrought?
Calm down, Esther, take a breath.
Mom, it's okay.
You're an animal.
Don't I get any credit for trying the honesty thing?
It's okay, mom.
I gotta go.
Sit down.
Okay.
And don't you tell your mother that this okay.
You've made it abundantly clear to me,
once again young lady, that you lack the ability
to keep your personal house in order.
Rev, aren't you comin' down kinda hard on her?
She might've crapped out in the boyfriend department,
but, you know, she's a good--
excuse me?
I just don't think that Yellin' at anybody
is gonna help things.
You are defending my daughter?
Yeah.
Do you love my daughter?
Sure.
You wanna be with her?
When?
Call your wife, tell her everything.
Now?
Tell her your marriage is over.
Tell her you love my daughter.
But isn't that the kind of thing
you should tell a person in person?
[ Music ]
Wow. I'm really glad we waited.
Oh yeah, definitely.
I think waiting till nine o'clock makes you appreciate it
so much more.
You know what we should do?
Do you think that there's something we haven't done,
'cause my bag of tricks is pretty much empty now.
I wanna celebrate this amazing night.
How 'bout some San cristobel champagne?
I think I could probably choke some down
just to be polite.
Great, we'll take it on the roof.
Do you have a robe?
Check the closet.
[ Music ]
There you go.
I was looking for the--
sexy little red bustier.
Well, you know, now that you mention it.
That belongs to crystal.
Really?
Does she stay here sometimes?
Yes, she does. It's me, I'm crystal.
Okay, okay, gettin' the picture.
Jan, I'm totally straight.
It's just every now and then I like to go out,
dress up as a woman, and get hit on by strange men.
Oh, well, it's nice that we have that in common
and such a shame that I have to leave now.
Is this a problem?
You know, it kind of is.
But thank you god, thank you for not breaking your streak.
[ Music ]
I refuse to give up on you, mike.
You can start leading a life of truth and decency right now
with one phone call.
That's all it takes to redeem yourself
and those you love.
Alright, but this is gonna suck.
Honey, hi, it's me.
Look, um, I'm in love with somebody else
and I'm gonna move in with her.
That's it.
You have hit absolute rock bottom, Michael.
Well, there's nothing we can do about it now, so--
You know what?
Men suck!
You're not from mars, you're from hell
and you're goin' back barefoot, all of you.
Good bye.
She's a little upset.
Welcome to your new life of decency and truth, mike.
It's not goin' to be easy, but I want you to know that
we are gonna be there with you every step of the way.
[ Music ]
And you smoke.
A little.
[ Music ]
You haven't returned my calls.
Crystal, oh, Barry, what are you doing here?
I had to see you,
I can't stop thinking about you Jan,
that sex we had was the most amazing sex of my life.
There's just one little problem, why can't you accept it?
Could you please shut up, there are people in here?
I can't let it end.
Barry, I can't handle this.
This is just a little part of who I am Jan,
like if I were into pottery or something.
Oh, come on.
This is much more serious than pottery, pal.
Kiss me.
No, not here.
Come on, just once.
No, I can't do it, Barry.
I have a child.
I have a really overbearing mother and six men
I have to explain myself to every morning.
I'd never know if you were here for me
or because you want to borrow my clothes.
I can't do it.
I understand.
Good bye.
Speaking of borrowing, that little silk blouse
from the other--
oh, good bye, Barry.
[ Music ]
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