(Grunting)
Oh, Jill, I'm so glad we've married. I could do this all the livelong day.
Oh, it's lovely, Glen.
I don't know if you were leading on to normal sex, or something a bit more, you know?
Oh, Jill, not having really had much of any kind of intercourse,
normal's OK for me.
I thought we could try autoerotic aphyxiation.
- Is that involving a car? - No, it's a sort of strangling but not actually.
- Mm? - OK.
Then, at the moment of your ejection, it's that bit nicer cos you can't breathe.
I do recall reading something similar about a conservative MP with a Jaffa in his gob, so...
He probably just wanted something to snack on.
- Half-time at football. - Shall we try it?
Why not?
You're only young once, Jill.
(Both giggling)
Yeah.
I'd better get you warmed up, hadn't I then, Jill?
You're very sexy, in your top.
(Choking) Jill, Jill, Jill.
Jill.
Caught me a bit off guard there, Jill.
- Oh. - Should have more of a run-up to it.
- OK. Bit of foreplay. - Why not?
(Both simper)
Lovely long legs, Jill. Like a spider.
(Glen choking)
(Gargling)
Oh, Sandy.
- Hi. How's you? - (Glen gasping)
(Doorbell)
- Morning, Cath. - Oh, Jill. Hello.
- Sue. - (Sue giggles )
- How's you? - I'm OK, Jill.
Oh, lovely to see you, Sue.
Jill, this is Vicar Arno. Jill.
So what brings you down here, Sue? You hubby hunting?
Well, I'm just, you know, just staying for a while, to support Cath, really.
We're best friends.
Oh, bless you, Sue.
Mum, I can't find my trainers.
Erm, they're right by your bed, I think, Bruce.
OK.
- Talk about skeletons, Cath. - Oh, he'll, he'll fill out.
I'm talking about sons I've never heard of coming out the woodworm.
Oh, Bruce was at boarding school down here, so...
Mm.
There's always one you love less.
Oopidoops.
I'm, erm, just going to dash upstairs and have a quick shower.
Got my appointment at Trees with Jacques.
So, excuse me.
Cathy...
cappuccino'd be nice.
Righto.
How's Gordon, Sue?
- He's dead, Jill. - I know.
It was Jill's fiance, Glen,
that put Gordon in a coma.
Sorry, Sue.
Must be hard to forgive such a thing.
So, do you see any future for yourself, Sue,
or are you gonna call it a day?
I don't know, really. I just think I should hold on to my faith
and accept life as a useless old widow.
- (Giggling) - (Jill) Yes.
How many of those have you had, Sue?
Erm, four.
Never get a husband as a fatty, Sue.
Big is beautiful.
He would say that.
Oh, well, long as you're not after Don.
Cos we all know deep down, he's meant for someone else.
I know. It's wonderful.
Cath always loves being pregnant.
(Radio ) # Since you been gone
# Since you been gone
# I'm out of my head, can't take it
# Could I be wrong?
# But since you been gone
♪ You cast the spell so break it... ♪
Sorry to bother you, Miss Floella.
I got you a sandwich.
Congratulations, Cathy.
Oh.
Gosh. Thank you.
- Does Jacques know? - No. No, I haven't, er, I haven't told him, yet.
I think poor old Daddy's got the right to know.
Jacques's not the father, Jill.
It's, it's Don's.
Don?
I'm assuming you had IBS, Cath, at your age?
Jill, Cherie Blair had a child at 47.
I know, Sue. Have you seen it?
Sue, we'd appreciate you not creeping up on us like a dog at a disco.
- Just wiping off tea... - It's a private conversation.
Are you sure you feel OK about it?
Yes. Fine.
It's just, it's, it's quite a big step, Cathy,
to bring a backward child into a broken home.
- Thank you, Jill. - You know, it's not too late to, you know.
I mean, I do have contacts.
Linda used to work on a farm. I won't tell anyone.
No. No, I, no, I don't want to do that.
Well, no, Linda would do it.
- (Arno ) Sue. - (Sue, breathlessly) Hi.
Just, er, celebrating Cathy's forthcoming
and the little one.
Praise be.
- Thank you, Jill. - Praise be.
Maybe slip some pants on, Cath.
- Just so baby don't get the wrong idea. - Sorry. Thank you, Jill.
(Moaning)
- OK, Cathy. - OK.
Golly gumdrops.
Do you know anything about that, Jill?
Don't know, Cath. I mean, Sue was piling in them biscuits.
Maybe the vicar, you know, in his country.
Mustn't get cross.
Don's moved back in, which is...
He says I've just got to relax and chill.
(Moaning)
(Gagging)
(Cathy ) Oh.
(Sighs ) Ah, there we are, then.
I will have to ask you for £46.50, I'm sorry, Cathy.
OK. For petrol?
Cleaning bill, Cath.
Oh, sorry.
Cathy, don't worry about petrol.
Oh, thank you, Jill.
We'll square up later. Otherwise it just gets nasty.
- (M People: Moving On Up) - (Over mic) One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight and nine, ten,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.
And stretch.
Come on, Cathy, keep up.
Leg yawn.
Papa's doing something...
that he shouldn't
on the lawn.
Split trumpet. Split trumpet.
Split trumpet.
And pig.
Rolling the sausage.
(Panting)
Hey. Good to see you dripping.
Oh, goodness.
Bit out of shape?
Erm, no, er, I'm, er...
I'm pregnant, actually, Jacques.
Hope that's OK.
Hey, your age needn't be an issue.
Pippa was 45 when she birthed my first.
Seeing that head emerge from the yoni.
- Phwoo, what a proud moment. - Yeah.
- No drugs. - No, I, I...
Cos usually, I was stoned...out of my box.
( # Extreme.. More Than Words)
Goodness. Jill, are you OK?
# Saying I love you
♪ Is not the words I want to hear from you... ♪
(Sobbing)
- (Mournful) Oh. - Jill, I'm gonna have to go.
Cath'll be wondering where I've got to.
Please stay with me, Don. I got a pot of ravioli in my bag.
Well...
Er, sounds great, Jill,
but I've got to go.
Please, Don. We can share some meaty cushions.
Mm.
Ow!
Sorry, Don. It's my diabetes.
Please.
I just wanna share some love with you, Don.
No strings.
And I'm not talking about tampons, Don.
Good.
Oh, Don.
Look, look...
- I'm sorry, Jill. - Oh!
Jill.
- God. - (Wailing)
Oh, God, Don, please stay with me.
Please stay with me. Just till I pass over.
Jill, look, I, I don't want to.
And even if I did, I'd never leave a pregnant woman.
( # Relaxing mood music)
Sorry, Cath. Sorry, did I wake you, Cathy?
- Yes. - Sorry.
- Oh, Cath. - What is it?
(Sighs ) I was looking at birthing pools for you on the internet.
- Oh, thank you , Jill. - I know.
And I found something, Cath.
Please don't look, Cath.
Oh.
- Oh. - I know.
But how...? Oh.
I don't understand.
I mean, I've done that one, that one.
I had a go at that once but...
I was just saying to Sue that Don's been fine
and really quite attentive.
Well, where is he now, Cathy?
Be out there somewhere, filling up on porn, like an elephant on buns.
No, no, he's at the hospital,
having a minor operation.
Oh, my God, Cath. Is he having his face shortened?
No, Jill. He's erm...
he's having a vasectomy.
(Vivaldi: The Four Seasons: Summer)
Aren't you supposed to hit it or something, Jill?
D'you want me to have a go, Jill?
Right.
Do I put it in the front bottom or the back bottom?
Linda.
Right.
Oh, my God, Linda. Get her steak and kidneys.
Thank you, Jill.
No. Me, Linda.
Oh, sorry, Jill. Are you hungry?
Linda, just tip it in there.
Oh, right.
Steak going in.
Onion going in.
Pea going in.
Kidney going in.
Do you want a bit of mash with that?
Linda, for God's sake, just tip the bloody plate up there.
What kind of images? I think it might be helpful
if you could describe some of the images that you saw.
Erm.
Well, erm, the woman was, er...
- lying on a bed - Mm.
And, er, her legs were open.
Mm.
- And, er... - Naked?
Yeah.
Yeah. Er.
And, erm, there was gaffer tape...
taping up her,
er, vulva.
Right.
And there seemed to be a thermometer
sticking out of her vaginal entrance.
(Laughs nervously) Er.
Erm, and her arms were bound
from the elbow to the wrist.
And her breasts, were they bound?
Er, they did, they had something round them.
Popping out, were they? Bursting?
Well, they, they looked pretty sore.
And some of the girls, you know, they were very young.
They really were very young
and what, what upsets me is that, you know,
I wouldn't mind dressing up as a schoolgirl
with the right person.
Often,
men who use pornography are frightened of women,
the power of the vulva.
Are you frightened of your vulva, Catherine?
Er, not at the moment, particularly.
I mean, with some guys, it's not a question of, ''Am I gonna eat pussy?''
It's more a question of, ''Is pussy gonna eat me?''
You know.
Yeah.
(Ducks quacking)
Getting a little excited on the ground floor, Jill?
No. Glen.
- Here. - (Both laugh)
I thought today, Glen, we could go feed the ducks.
Oh, I don't mind getting cosy in the long grass, Jill,
but I'd rather stay away from the actual water. Wee bit frightened of it.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
I've been known to pass out in the bath.
I once slipped under the water and came to on the hearth rug
in front of Stars On Sunday with Daddy pumping up and down on top of me.
- Oh, dear. - He was pumping water out my lungs, Jill.
These days, I tend to have more of a cat wash.
You know, just under the arms and, er, downstairs
and sometimes the face.
- You can't swim, though? - No, no. Can't swim.
Got to be careful round water, Mrs Bulb.
You gotta be careful round the ducks, Glen. Very dangerous, the ducks.
- Is that right? - Yeah. They can break your arm.
Break your knee as soon as look at you.
- (Impersonates duck) - Hello ducks.
- Come on, Mr Duck. - Hello, ducks.
They're all out today. Do you wanna have a little go?
I'll stand well back, if you don't mind.
Oh. We can settle up for the bread later, Glen, otherwise it just gets nasty.
- A lovely scene, Jill, isn't it? - Yeah.
Like something from a catalogue.
You in your mushroom.
- Oh. - Mm.
- I feel all safe, Glen. - So do I, Jill.
- Usually the other way round, mind. - Yeah.
- Oh. - (Both laughing)
Mind your high heels. Almost had me in, there.
- I've had enough of the ducks for today. - Oh, just a bit of horseplay.
Ooh. A bit of rough and tumble.
Oo-hoo. Hmm.
Oh, help. Jill, I can't swim. Jill, help me.
(Yelping)
(Gasping)
(Snoring)
- Thank you. - I am still not pregnant, Linda,
and it is your fault.
( # Muted hymns)
Bruce. Evening prayers are on TV.
OK.
(Low grunting)
- Aah. - Mm.
- (Panting) - (Sue ) Oh, God.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
Hi, Bruce.
- How's you? - Fine.
Nice to see you, to see you nice.
Lovely.
I used to be a model, Bruce.
- A model what? - Glamour model.
Yeah. I've actually brought you my calendar, Bruce.
Thought I'd show you a couple of pictures.
Erm, that's me, February.
Just bent over a pony.
Erm, November.
Just having a little shower with an orang-utan.
And then my favourite...
just dancing with an ostrich, December.
Cos I'm actually a very attractive woman, you know, Bruce.
I've actually been assaulted on more than two occasions.
Pick a colour.
Green.
G... R... Een.
( # Maroon 5.. This Love )
# I was so high I did not recognise
# The fire burning in her eyes
# The chaos that controlled my mind
# Whispered goodbye, she got on the plane
♪ Never to return again... ♪
Bruce.
Bruce. Do you like my dancing?
Not really.
# She said goodbye
♪ Too many times before ♪
That's good.
It's a really good picture, Bruce.
Is it a little piggy?
It's Mum.
- Have you ever done life drawing, Bruce? - Dunno.
It's things like fruit...
You know, like apples, bananas, sometimes pineapples...
and naked ladies.
Apparently, Linda, Bruce would like to paint you.
So I'd like you to go over there, please, take all your clothes off
and leave him with these tissues.
In case he starts crying?
# I spy with my little eye
# Something beginning with...
lamp.
Lampshade.
No, lamp.
It's my go now, cos I just won that one. See?
Yeah, OK.
# I spy with my little eye
# Something beginning with...
- Crayon. - Crayon.
Jill said I gotta give you these.
Thanks.
I'm looking for specifically pants, Linda. There's bound to be something on some pants.
I got some, Jill.
Yeah. They look yellow.
Yellow? Is Dennis' yellow?
- What's that, Jill? - It's an ultraviolet scanner for stains.
(Bleeps )
Oh, my God. (Gasps ) Look at his sheets.
Absolutely covered. Oh.
- Smells funny, Jill. - The sperms are strong at that age.
They're like angry little mackerel.
Don't worry, Jill, we'll get it in.
Every last drop.
Linda, I'm a very accommodating person but that sheet is a king-size.
Sorry.
(Linda grunts, Jill whimpers )
It's all over my hands, now, Jill. It's all sticky.
Well, put your hand up there, Linda. It only stays alive for 32 seconds.
Jill.
I can't get it out.
I think it's stuck.
Linda, we'll have to chop your hand off.
(Linda ) Thank you.
(Vehicle approaching)
(Thud)
(Splutters )
(Sighs ) Oh, I think that's the last of it, Jean.
Oh, jings, it was terrible down there.
I saw all sorts.
I thought I saw a monster.
But I remembered everything, Jean,
about that night, about what Jill did that night.
She's trying to frame me, Jean,
and I'm really quite...
cross.