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[Whirring]
[Theme music]
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[Whirring]
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Man: It's alive!
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[Thunder rumbles]
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Hey, did somebody down here
order a pizza?
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- Oh, whoa!
- Cowabunga, dude!
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Uh, oops.
I, like, left my cash inside.
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00:00:45,829 --> 00:00:48,830
Why don't you come in while I,
like, grab it.
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00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:52,333
Oh, bummer!
I can't find my cash.
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00:00:52,369 --> 00:00:55,904
How else can I, like, pay you?
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00:00:55,939 --> 00:00:58,706
Uh, bro, I don't know what's
happening, but I'm a hard pass.
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[All chuckling]
[Claps]
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00:01:02,512 --> 00:01:04,279
Yeah.
Great job, Mikey.
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00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,648
That schtick always
gets us free pizza.
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[Chuckles]
[Chuckles] Yeah, that was my goal.
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One day, someone will make
me come out of my shell.
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Uh, yeah, I'm supposed
to meet Melanie here?
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I'm ... I'm Melanie.
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You don't look anything like
your pictures online.
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Wait, did you human me?
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[Music]
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Happy Easter, kids!
And don't forget the true
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meaning of the holiday ...
chocolate and Easter egg hunts.
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- Yay!
- Who's next?
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Oh, that would be me.
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Chocolate and Easter egg hunts, huh?
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Nothing about a certain someone
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dying for a certain
everyone's sins?!
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[Bleep] off, man.
It's just business.
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Hey, is there a problem...
Ow!
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Ow, my [bleep] hand!
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[Sobbing]
Hey, hey!
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[Music]
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[Grunting]
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Happy Easter!
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All right!
Look, I'm sorry, man. I just ...
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I couldn't turn down $300 a day.
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You committed this blasphemy
for $300 a day?!
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Happy Easter!
Ho ho ho!
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Eggs!
We're splitting it 50-50, right?
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Uh, 60-40, Bugs.
I rose from the [bleep] dead.
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Jeepers, you're
Unsinkable Molly Brown.
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You survived the Titanic!
Can I have your autograph?
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Certainly, my dear. [Chuckles]
[Screams]
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Oh, shit!
[Grunts]
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We can now confirm King Kong
fell from atop
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the Empire State Building, landing on
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Unsinkable Molly Brown,
crushing her to death, and ...
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[Gasps] Wait, I-I don't believe
what I'm seeing.
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Rescue workers are pulling
a victim out of
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the great beast's mighty
anal cavity.
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Let's ... let's listen in.
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[Squelching, woman gasping]
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It's Unsinkable Molly Brown!
She's alive!
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What incredible luck for
the creature to land on her
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in such a way ...
all things considered.
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Molly Brown truly can't be killed.
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Gee willikers, aren't you King
Kong's Butthole Molly Brown?
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- Can I have your auto...
- Get the [bleep] out of my face!
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And I was like,
"Unh-uh, my makeup is perf.
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You're getting a dry handy
or nothing."
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[Laughter]
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00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:12,140
[Phone chimes]
Who is Carol Young?
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00:03:12,175 --> 00:03:16,644
- That's my mom. Why?
- She just followed me on Twitter!
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[Chirps]
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Your mom just sent me
a friend request!
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She's blowing up my Insta.
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She just commented on a picture
I posted from Cancun in 2015!
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"Looking hot, chicas!"
Sombrero emoji, poop emoji!
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What?!
[All scream]
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- Hey, hey!
- Mom! Get out of here!
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[Panting]
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She's coming, she's coming!
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What are you guys, on roller skates?
[Screams]
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- #Squadgoals, right, girls?
- Just kill me now!
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[Laughing]
A selfie!
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[Laughing]
[Screaming]
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[Smacking]
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[Crunching, smacking]
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[Squelching]
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[Phones chiming]
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[Horn honks]
Ew!
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Ugh! That young man
over there is mooning us.
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What?!
[Squeaking]
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Ugh! Oh, no!
He's full-mooning us, Karen,
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- I'm ... I'm a werewolf.
- You're a what?
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Oh, Karen, take the wheel!
Aroo!
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[Music]
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[Tires squeal]
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Hey, I've got some candy in
my van. You want to come see?
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Hey, I've got underage boys in my van.
Want to come see?
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Well played.
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Pick a card, any card.
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For the souffle, you
must make sure to use
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room temperature eggs.
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Un, deux, trois.
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00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:52,947
Oh! Hey, you killed my sisters,
you [bleep] bitch! [Gunfire]
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00:04:54,778 --> 00:04:58,179
Hi, yes.
30 boxes of Sudasmurf, please.
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- "Sudasmurf"?
- I mean, Sudafed.
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Smurfed that up.
[Chuckles]
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00:05:01,985 --> 00:05:04,218
We don't sell to smurfs.
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I'm not a smurf. I hate smurfs!
What's a smurf?
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00:05:06,423 --> 00:05:07,956
Smurfs are what we call people
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who buy Sudafed
to make crystal meth.
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We are not here to make meth.
We're here ...
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I mean I'm here because
Papa Smurf ... I mean,
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Papa Human Being Person ...
ugh!
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Has a bad head cold
and asked me to smur...
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Ugh! I mean, buy some cold
medi-smurf for him!
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- Nailed it.
- Uh-huh.
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- I need to see some I.D.
- Of course.
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Smurf on a sec.
Uh, Handy, smurf me out here.
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Handy is what I call my hand.
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[Chuckles]
Oh.
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Here you go.
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Uh, this I.D. is made of cardboard.
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Hey, Brainy, smurf him this.
[Laughs]
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We all chipped in
and smurfed you a gift.
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- And, again, by we, I mean me.
- Hmm. Odd, but, okay.
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Got it!
Hefty, get us out of here!
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Whoo-hoo!
We're gonna get so smurfin' high!
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I'm gonna smurf crank
right into my eyeball.
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[Jail doors slamming]
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Der-di-ker der, der, der, nnn!
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[Sighs]
I don't understand you, sir.
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You're going to have to return
to your country of origin.
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Dergin do!
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[Cackling]
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[Idyllic music]
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[Chuckles] You know that's
a mole's dick, right?
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[Spitting]
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Oh, no, it's not.
Actually, I'm a mole down here,
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and I can see clearly that
it's a worm!
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Now get that worm!
Get it!
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Ziggy, we found a way to double
your productivity ...
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with Silly Putty.
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Talk about your suffocating
work environment.
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Hey, good looking.
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00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:37,512
- Hey, you look like me.
- No, you look like me.
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00:06:37,547 --> 00:06:39,580
- No, you look like me.
- No, you look like me!
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Sometimes it's hard to feel
unique in this world.
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What do you want me to do,
Ziggy? Profits are up 1,000%.
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00:06:45,288 --> 00:06:48,122
- And just look at them out there.
- You know, sometime I wish
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00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,525
the water cooler would make
me a little cooler.
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When I wished for a paycheck,
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00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:54,428
I should have been more specific
about the numbers on it.
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They're all so dull.
My God, what have I done?!
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We have to end this.
Burn them.
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Burn them all.
[Screaming]
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- Ow!
- Ow!
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[Screaming]
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Ow!
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00:07:06,809 --> 00:07:08,110
Ow!
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00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:10,912
I always wondered
what bacon feels like.
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00:07:10,947 --> 00:07:15,082
[Chuckles] They always told me
my career would catch fire.
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00:07:15,118 --> 00:07:16,946
- Oh, [bleep], even one's too many.
- Whoa!
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00:07:16,981 --> 00:07:20,154
Is this your way of
telling me I'm fired?!
159
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,559
You just used a fire pun!
Just burn faster!
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00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,093
[Ziggys screaming]
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00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:27,461
Looks like somebody's got
a case of the Mondays.
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00:07:27,497 --> 00:07:30,064
[Music pulsing]
163
00:07:30,099 --> 00:07:32,867
- This is a raid!
- All: Raid?!
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00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:35,336
Announcer: Fox News has fired
yet another host.
165
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:38,172
Filling in tonight,
an actual fox ... Swiper.
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00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:41,409
Caution, you're about to enter
the Swiping Zone!
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First up tonight,
the president continues
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00:07:43,494 --> 00:07:47,081
his immigration crackdown,
deporting a suspicious senorita.
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I was born in East L.A.!
I'm not leaving!
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00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:53,154
Oh, no!
You can't tell me where to go!
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[Grunting]
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00:07:54,524 --> 00:07:56,390
Anyway, what's next?
Lori?
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00:07:56,426 --> 00:07:58,292
Hey there, boobs.
Looking good.
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Doesn't she look great?
I could fox with that.
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00:08:01,197 --> 00:08:03,130
Swiper, no swiping!
Swiper, no swiping!
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00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:06,267
- Swiper, no swiping!
- You're too late!
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[Chuckles]
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00:08:07,937 --> 00:08:11,606
[Music]
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00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:13,741
Little boy of wood and string,
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00:08:13,776 --> 00:08:16,143
for you the gift of life I bring.
181
00:08:16,179 --> 00:08:18,846
Hey, that's pretty nifty. Can ...
can you do that on anything?
182
00:08:18,881 --> 00:08:20,848
W-What kind of rules are we
working with here?
183
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,517
Oh. Achoo!
184
00:08:22,518 --> 00:08:24,819
Oh, this hay fever is killing me.
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00:08:24,854 --> 00:08:26,854
- Drop the narcotics.
- What's that, son?
186
00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:28,923
Suspect noncompliant.
[Gunfire, screaming]
187
00:08:28,958 --> 00:08:31,258
You cannot purchase antihistamines
188
00:08:31,294 --> 00:08:33,227
without proper identification.
189
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:35,096
Suspect noncompliant.
190
00:08:35,131 --> 00:08:37,999
[Sobbing] Oh, my foot!
Okay, I don't need the Sudafed.
191
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:40,668
I'll just go home!
Oh, God.
192
00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:43,204
Pseudoephedrine is a key
ingredient in methamphetamine.
193
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:45,072
You will not purchase
pseudoephedrine without
194
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,775
proper identification.
195
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,276
It's in my car!
196
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,244
Please, son, just let me
get to my car!
197
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:51,747
Suspect noncompliant!
198
00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:53,648
[Gunfire]
[Grunting]
199
00:08:56,486 --> 00:08:59,320
Whoa, man, this ain't
what it smurfs like, man!
200
00:08:59,355 --> 00:09:01,489
[Screaming]
201
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:06,360
Suspect noncompliant.
202
00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:08,396
[Beeping]
Hello, Sarah.
203
00:09:08,431 --> 00:09:10,098
[Beeping]
You never called me back.
204
00:09:10,099 --> 00:09:11,633
[Beep]
205
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,669
I miss you.
Me-ma, me-ma, me-ma.
206
00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,038
Hey, ALF, what ya doing?
207
00:09:17,073 --> 00:09:19,440
Brian, I'm just listening to
some old tunes I wrote
208
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:22,410
- back on Melmac.
- You were a musician?
209
00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:25,513
Yeah! I even have an old
music video I shot.
210
00:09:25,548 --> 00:09:27,082
Check it out.
211
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,450
[Rap plays]
212
00:09:28,451 --> 00:09:30,618
♪ Coming straight outta Melmac ♪
213
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,087
♪ That's where I'm at ♪
214
00:09:32,088 --> 00:09:33,255
♪ What's my favorite dish? ♪
215
00:09:33,256 --> 00:09:34,456
♪ You know it's cat ♪
216
00:09:34,457 --> 00:09:36,657
♪ Eat so many cats,
my belly's flabby ♪
217
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:39,092
♪ But ALF ain't eating
no regular tabby ♪
218
00:09:39,093 --> 00:09:41,129
♪ Got expensive tastes,
I get my pick of the litter ♪
219
00:09:41,130 --> 00:09:43,531
♪ Chomping deep-fried
Siberian kitten fritters ♪
220
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:45,700
♪ You eat skinny cats,
I like my felines fat ♪
221
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:48,302
♪ I eat fat, bald cats
that look like fat ass rats ♪
222
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,504
♪ Cat burgers, cat dogs, man,
you think I'm a liar ♪
223
00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:52,907
♪ Bitch, I once ate
a Sumatran tiger ♪
224
00:09:52,942 --> 00:09:55,209
♪ I eat cat tail churros
and declawed paws ♪
225
00:09:55,244 --> 00:09:57,545
♪ I eat kitty soup out of
an Egyptian vase ♪
226
00:09:57,580 --> 00:09:59,847
♪ While you're all eating alley
cats covered in fleas ♪
227
00:09:59,882 --> 00:10:02,149
♪ Your boy ALF's eating cats
that are Siamese ♪
228
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,685
♪ I eat Burmese biscuits
for breakfast ♪
229
00:10:04,721 --> 00:10:06,421
♪ Short-haired stack
for brunch ♪
230
00:10:06,422 --> 00:10:08,989
♪ In between a Manx
or a lynx to munch ♪
231
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,525
♪ Take down a Persian virgin
Sphinx for lunch ♪
232
00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,828
♪ For dinner,
I chow on Arabian Mao ♪
233
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,464
♪ Even got a snow leopard in
my tummy right now ♪
234
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:18,599
♪ So what you know about that? ♪
235
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,935
♪ I eat gourmet cat ♪
236
00:10:20,970 --> 00:10:23,771
♪ ALF's eating so much pussy, yeah ♪
237
00:10:23,806 --> 00:10:25,639
♪ ALF's eating so much pussy ♪
238
00:10:25,675 --> 00:10:28,209
♪ ALF's eating so much pussy, yeah ♪
239
00:10:28,244 --> 00:10:30,177
♪ ALF's eating so much pussy ♪
240
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:32,480
Maybe that's a good point to stop.
241
00:10:32,515 --> 00:10:35,116
Oh, that was awesome!
I want to be just like you.
242
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:37,184
That's great!
You want to rap?
243
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,420
No.
I'm gonna eat our cat!
244
00:10:39,455 --> 00:10:41,222
Come here, Lucky! [Chomps]
245
00:10:41,257 --> 00:10:43,624
Ha! I like your style, kid.
246
00:10:43,659 --> 00:10:45,327
Save me some butthole.
247
00:10:45,328 --> 00:10:47,028
It's the best part!
248
00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:48,996
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
249
00:10:49,032 --> 00:10:51,165
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
250
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,401
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
251
00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:55,469
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
252
00:10:55,505 --> 00:10:57,638
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
253
00:10:57,674 --> 00:10:59,674
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
254
00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:01,842
- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
255
00:11:06,524 --> 00:11:09,556
sync & correction by f1nc0
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