What are you doing? That's 3 hours of chess on the floor!
Oh, calm down.
Another glass of tap water, please Rose.
Well, that was a very impressive display of memory.
You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
- I have several of these suits. - Why would someone do that?
Einstein wore the same suit every day.
He didn't wanna waste time deciding what to wear. Actually,
he had ten suits, all exactly the same.
Did he also sleep in them like you appear to have done?
Just the tap water please.
Sure, I'll get right on that third free beverage, sir.
- What is it? - Dad, we have a problem.
People keep asking me what my name is,
and I can't keep saying I don't speak English.
You've been telling people you don't speak English?
Yes, and the more I explain it to them, the less they believe me.
Look, I know how important it is to seem normal
and obviously the name thing is our biggest problem.
If we don't come up with one soon,
I really think I'm going to start to attract attention.
And we don't want that, do we? Wink.
In 1991, the British government began a secret project
to create the first human clone.
Intended to be a prototype super soldier,
that experiment went horribly wrong.
Now he and his creator are on the run,
trying to find the key to unlock the clone's superhuman abilities
before the government finds them and kills them.
This is their story.
The government is hunting us. You are not appreciating the threat.
You are not appreciating being naked. The air against your skin.
The sun against your skin.
The sofa against your skin.
Being naked is not normal.
Unless you're a baby or a mental patient.
That's not true. Everybody does it.
I see naked people all the time.
- Where? - In their houses,
when I look through their windows. They're naked a lot.
Sometimes two people,
and they appear to be wrestling in a very gentle way.
- You've got to stop that. - OK, from now on
- I'll watch them with my clothes on. - You've got to stop that too!
I didn't work on this project for 17 years in order to fail.
Or die. If MI7 finds us,
they will kill us.
I need you to be a normal person with a normal name,
like Albert.
Except how about instead of Albert, we call me Zesty?
We're not going to do that.
Now that's settled. Albert, we need to find more clothes.
Gasp! MORE clothes!
We've been wearing the same things for days.
People are beginning to notice.
Well, if I have to wear clothes, I will only wear purple.
- It will be my signature colour. - No.
I need you to look like everybody else.
Hang on. Just because I'm a clone
doesn't mean I have to be an exact copy of someone else.
At ease.
Any leads on Victor's location?
Nothing yet, Colonel Black. He's dropped off the grid.
Did I not make it clear
that the men who had this job before you did not retire?
I retired them.
With my bare hand...
... and this gun,
fired from my bare hand.
Sir, we're monitoring every call, email and credit card transaction.
Plus we've got two satellites in play.
So, as long as he doesn't pay in cash or wear a hat you'll find him.
Victor Blenkinsop knows how to disappear, sir. The man's a genius.
He designed the invisible helicopter.
That reminds me, any sign of that yet?
It could literally be anywhere.
Can you find anything?!
Like the word "surveillance" in the dictionary?
If I put this mug behind my back, would you remember where it was?
I understand your frustration,
but we're going to need to be patient. Eventually he'll make a mistake.
All right, so just to clarify,
your plan is to "wait"?
Basically, sir, yes.
Keep up the good work.
He was surprisingly reasonable.
Sometimes men like that just want to know the truth.
You know what's weird?
- I smell almonds. - You know what's weirder?
I can't lift my arms.
That is weird.
Hello, Wham.
- What can I get you? Tap water? - No, thanks, Rose.
I'm just walking my son to work on this beautiful morning.
Savouring our bucolic existence.
In fact, I've bought some postcards
I'm going to send home.
There are 12 of them.
I'd like you to take a nice long look.
They're all very similar with just some minor differences.
Now, I'll just give them a quick shuffle
and let's see if you can put them back
in to their original order.
- Why? - Why not?
Very good. What are the odds?
No, seriously. What are the odds?
479,001,600 to one.
Is correct.
Well, see you later, Albert.
I'm just going to buy some milk.
- You don't look like an Albert. - That's what I said!
- Twinge! - Are you OK?
Yes, and my name is Albert.
Now remember, don't stick out.
They'll find us if we attract attention.
Right. Got it.
Can I not have your attention please?
- Please can I not have your attention! - What are you doing?
Just act like everybody else.
Just copy them and you'll be all right. OK?
- I just lost two grand on the horses. - I just lost two grand on the horses.
My wife told me this would happen.
This is an amazing coincidence.
Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe I should give Gamblers Anonymous another go.
Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe I should give Gamblers Anonymous another go.
I'll see you at the meeting on Tuesday.
- What the hell? - Hello, Ian.
Hello... lift?
It's me, Victor.
I've hacked into the CCTV.
- Where are you? - It's better that you don't know.
Listen, very carefully. I want you to go to my place.
I've got £4,000 hidden in a squash racket case
underneath the water bed. Get it for me.
I don't think I can do that.
It's not like I'm asking you to perfect cold fusion
or attract a woman.
It's not that, Colonel Black has already been there.
What?
Bastards!
Look like we'll have to move on.
Ah, I see they've finally fixed the voice in the lift.
Yes, it seems that they have.
Going down.
What's that smell?
It's you!
It's homemade perfume.
I use vanilla extract.
Like you use in baking.
You smell like cake. I bet you taste great too.
I didn't think we'd be having this conversation again so soon,
but I'm another thing in the pub you shouldn't lick.
It's starting to feel like there's nothing in here I can lick.
It's not my rule, Albert. It's society's.
I can't get used to calling you that. What's your...?
What do your friend's call you?
- Do you have a nickname? - What's a nickname?
It's like a name your friends give you that reflects who you are.
Like, that's Bullseye.
Over there, that's Hunger Strike.
That's Lazy Pete.
And this is Shit For Brains.
Nice hand.
- So, why do people call you that? - Why does anyone do anything?
Why do people buy drawings and photographs
but not buy my drawings of photographs?
Why isn't my cat circus sold out?
I don't know. Crazy world, my brother,
crazy world.
You're the first person I've met who actually makes sense.
I'm even more convinced this woman Rose
could be exactly what I need to repair the clone.
- Don't pick your nose. - Sorry, go on.
Well, she's completely normal.
But she's got savant-level maths skills and a photographic memory.
She's accessing parts of her brain
that are completely dormant in the rest of us.
If we can find out how that's happening we could
use that information to unlock the dormant abilities in the clone.
All the military skills.
No, Ian, I'm hoping he'll become really good at the French horn!
I don't know what my next move should be.
You need to get her medical history.
She barely tolerates me.
How am I supposed to get her to reveal
some of the most intimate details of her life?
I'm not one of her gal pals.
Gain her trust. Be charming.
Flirt with her.
She's much too young for me.
Well, not much too young.
She's on the young side of my lower limit.
You don't have to marry her. Just gain her trust.
I suppose I could try.
I'm a bit rusty, but...
I mean, you know, in the old days you should've seen me.
I was so cool, you had to measure me in Kelvin.
Maybe don't lead with a science joke.
Although that one you do about synthetic polymers is hilarious.
Oh... covalent.
Stop it! Stop it. We've got to be serious.
What's the Clone's status?
Well, all his vital signs are normal. Everything else isn't.
And I'm not calling him Clone any more. He's Albert now
and I think I've finally got him to the point
where he won't blow our cover.
Clone! Clone!
Hey, Dad! Look, I'm totally blending in!
Clone! Clone!
What are you doing?
Learning about peer pressure and alcohol. Peer pressure
is how they get people to drink it.
Allow me to introduce Hunger Strike. He's got a...
Oh, dear. Look what's happened.
Somebody's had too much to drink.
I think I'd better get him home.
Where am I?
What made you decide to tell everyone
you're a failed science experiment?
Oh, that? No.
No. Clone is just a nickname.
You chose our secret as your nickname?
You don't choose your own nickname, Dad.
- How did you get yours? - I was doing what you told me to do.
I was being exactly like other people. Copying their every move.
- That's not what I meant. - I actually get that now.
Anyway, this guy who I was copying was, like, "Hey, you're the copier"
and this other guy called me Duplicator
and then Bullseye suggested Echo
and this old guy suggested, "Help me, I'm having a heart attack!"
But that seemed too wordy and then Rose said Clone.
And I gotta say, it felt kind of right.
Oh, it's not the end of the world.
Sort of like hiding in plain sight.
- What's your nickname? - What?
- What do your friends call you? - Victor.
Sir.
BT calls me The Homeowner.
Oh, that is so you! Bravo BT.
You really must miss hanging out with him.
What sort of things do you get up to?
Maybe I could do some of those things with you.
Well, I like reading, crossword puzzles,
horsing around on internet science forums.
Sometimes, sometimes, I'll have a sherry
and think up a particularly frivolous username.
Aren't those things you do alone?
- What is that over there? - What?
We just ran out of tap water. Sorry, you'll have to buy something now.
I love it that we have this thing.
Can I buy you a pot of tea?
We can share. You couldn't drink a whole pot, so why buy two?
That would be wasting my money, Rose.
I barely dodged that charisma bullet.
OK. So, I'm going shopping now. Bye.
If there's one thing I like more than tea, it's shopping.
I don't even have to choose.
I can shop for tea.
We're going to have so much fun, Rose.
Package from London. Oh, la de da!
- What is it? Crime? - It's socks.
We sell socks here, you know.
It's not some advanced technology that our village hasn't caught up with yet.
- Thanks. - It's a tube with a hole in one end.
What do you do when you're not on holiday?
Actually being on holiday is my job. I'm a travel writer.
- Well, that explains a lot. - Yes, it does. It explains everything.
It's water tight. So, just leave it.
No wonder you act like you own the place and expect everything for free.
What other job could you have?
It was either that or be Queen.
And I don't have the wave for it.
So, what's your story? Were you born here in Bletherford?
- No, Dublin actually. - Really? I have an aunt in Dublin.
Do you know what that reminds me of?
Have you ever had an MRI scan?
- Excuse me? - Auntie used to show me all her scans.
We'd look at her low bone density and myriad fractures
and laugh and laugh.
Do you normally exchange personal medical details
- with someone you've just met? - Do you not do that here?
Well, it's all the rage in London nowadays.
Last year it was those social networking websites.
This year, the cool thing to do
is exchange personal medical details.
For instance, I have acid reflux.
The bottom of my oesophagus is red and irritated.
OK, your turn.
Would you like to ask me about my memory?
Gosh! I hadn't really thought about it.
But, is it hereditary?
Does any other member of your family have the same condition?
- Preferably buried nearby? - No, it's just me. It was an accident.
My family was on holiday.
Are you writing down everything I'm saying?
Just my shopping list.
Wouldn't it be more helpful to to write that before you go shopping?
I like to be more spontaneous than that.
Sham... poo.
Shampoo. Check.
Sorry, you were saying?
A lot of it's still pretty foggy, but, I was in the Mediterranean.
There was some sort of an accident and I was lost at sea.
Eventually, I was rescued by some Greek fishermen and somehow
I knew how to speak to them in Greek.
Over the next few days I discovered all these other amazing skills,
like my photographic memory
and my ability to fight five men at one time.
- Really? - No, you idiot.
That's the plot of The Bourne Identity. I was messing with you.
Why would you mess with me?
I'm the guy who offered to buy you up to two cups of tea,
- depending on the size of the pot. - Because,
money bags, the only reason you're interested in me
is because I'm a freak and I can do weird stuff in my head.
That is so far from the...
Hurt, Rose, I'm hurt.
Oh, give it a rest.
You want to take me to a casino so I count cards for you.
- That's not what I want. - Rubbish!
I can smell you bastards coming from a mile away.
Why don't you just go to hell
and write a travel book about that!
You're back!
- Have you heard from Victor? - No, sir.
I'm sorry I had to have that man punch you.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do it myself. Squash injury. Where are they?
Don't you know?
You've got the footage, the IP addresses.
Only on your side. Victor found some way to mask his location.
I wish I could help. But honestly, I've got no idea where they are.
Wait outside.
Edward, I see you're wearing brown shoes.
What a fun twist on regulation uniform.
- Thank you, sir. - Not at all.
Kill him.
Ian, this problem we have.
It's larger than you think.
If the public realised we were cloning humans,
they might start waking up and having opinions.
And there's no room for that in a democracy.
We've had PR problems before.
Can't you just distract them like you did last time?
We can't kill another princess, Ian.
No-one's got a song ready.
This is your moment to shine. You can save us all.
I just need you to use that big brain of yours
to try and figure out where they are.
I have no idea how that would even be possible.
Does this gun in your mouth give you any ideas?
Actually, I just had a very good idea, yeah, a good idea.
- Hi, Dad. - You've got your jeans on backwards.
Right.
How was your day?
Not good.
It makes me long for the day I walked in on my parents having sex
with a group of other parents.
What's sex?
That's not a talk we're going to have right now.
Maybe when I get back from my Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, you can't. It's anonymous. Itchy.
Wait,
do that again. Walk past the TV.
Stand next to it.
That's weird.
The little tool sold me out.
How could you do this?
Especially after he rescued you from underneath the sofa?
Not the remote. Ian.
He's told them about the tracking device in your wrist.
- There's something inside me? - It takes three minutes to initialize.
Then MI7 will have our location down to the centimetre. Oh, God,
I'm going to die.
I'm not worried.
- Well, you should be. - Why?
You're always going on and on about what a genius you are,
and now I finally get the chance to see you in action.
Save the day, genius.
If they don't kill you, I will.
You don't work well under pressure, do you?
Because there's a lot of it right now and, well,
you seem kind of all over the place.
How can you eat chocolate at a time like this?
- I like chocolate. - I like not dying,
but since that's not an option right now,
perhaps I'll eat chocolate too.
Let's all eat chocolate and then die.
You took my emergency Twix! Brilliant!
Oh, sorry.
Have you thought of anything yet?
I mean, I don't want to be a drag, but tick-tock.
Is there something I can do to help?
Do you have a radar jammer?
I can have a look.
Do you have one of the tiny handful of substances
- that could deflect an infrared signal? - What are they?
Well, one of them is classified, one of them is photorefractive titanium
and the other one is mylar...
Jesus Christ, you've got mylar!
- I love you! - I love you too!
I was talking to the mylar! Now, give it here.
If we... Oh, God,
it's all wet.
Put this on your wrist and...
There, perfect.
Dead man.
I'm so pleased we're not going to be killed.
I'd miss all my new friends like Rose, Bullseye, Hunger Strike,
Shit for Brains, Dave, Lucy, Warren,
Jeff the Vomit Guy,
Emma, Robin, Martin with an I, Martyn with a Y.
How did you make so many friends so quickly?
I just treat everyone with love and respect
and put their happiness before my own.
How nauseating.
So, who would you miss if we got killed?
- Lots of people. - Like who?
Don't you have a Gamblers Anonymous meeting to go to?
I bet my sponsor I'd get there before him.
Could I have a talk with you? Could you give us a moment?
Sure, yeah.
We've got a matinee at three anyway.
I'd really like to apologise.
Look, I'm very nervous, so please bear with me.
I've always had an insatiable curiosity.
I mean, I'm the sort of person who stops to look at a road accident.
Are you comparing me to a road accident?
It sounds like I am, doesn't it? Let me begin again.
It's very rare to meet a woman who's almost as smart as me.
- I'm doing it again, aren't I? - Yes.
See, I've always found it very difficult to admit to my mistakes.
It's probably why I don't have any friends.
- Oh, that's sad. - It is, isn't it?
It's probably why I don't have a nickname either.
Not that I wouldn't be curious as to what mine might be
if someone were to give me one.
You want to dance?
I think you can assume the answer to that question will always be no.
Why aren't you happy? We're safe.
Only for today.
There's something after today?
Chameleon.
- What? - That's your new nickname.
Why? Because I've so quickly integrated myself
into the fabric of the village?
No, because you're cold blooded and your eyes stick out a little bit.
One medical history coming up.
We just want to talk!