- Fuck. - Hey.
It's okay.
There are ten RSVPs and eight chairs.
People will be sitting on the floor.
It's LA; a third of the RSVPs won't even show.
You're questioning the integrity of the RSVPs?
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
I don't know if having more people around is a good idea.
Well, you've made that point very clear.
What is that supposed to mean?
It's the last Super Bowl.
The NFL is on the one-yard line of its demise,
and we promised to host a party.
But I guess you've changed your mind.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Hm.
I like you in my shirt.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
That's because it smells like you,
so now, I smell like you, which is very territorial,
but also fine, because apparently, you don't sweat.
- Oh, is that what you think? - Mm-hmm.
Ova, heat on. 88 degrees.
- What, no, no. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, please, you have to let me go.
- I do? - You do,
because I have to go see the store.
Oh, you're gonna like the way it looks.
Do you guarantee it?
- You will, I promise. - Okay.
If I agree, please, will you let me go?
- Will you let me go? - Mm, okay, fine.
- Okay. - Ova, turn up.
Good morning, John.
Hmm. Oh, no.
Leia and Leon cancelled their party.
Huh, that's too bad.
Yeah, it is.
It's too bad.
It means...
it does significantly alter our schedules.
Mm-hmm. It does.
Yeah, so I could maybe stay one... one hour.
- Uh-huh. - Maybe just one.
Mm-hmm.
- Like, 60... - Mm-hmm.
- 60 long minutes. - Mm-hmm.
3,600 seconds?
Uh-huh.
I can't really reduce time any further.
Ova, turn down.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
You take direction very well.
It's a necessity for my trade.
Hmm. Oh, yeah?
Well, then, we should make a video.
Hmm?
Rebound sex.
Refreshingly empty, and somehow life-affirming.
They touched you with enthusiastic consent,
and they validated your existence,
and even though you're as cold as Derek Jeter's gift baskets,
more frozen than the Antarctic,
'cause that shit's nearly melted,
it feels good to be touched.
So on day 31 of our breakup cookbook,
we are making agedashi tofu.
A cold, gelatinous soy cube deep-fried,
and painted with heat.
Now, I've started my base of garlic and ginger
in my Calphalon pan.
Next, we add shishitos.
- Mommy. - Oh, Car-Bear!
Hey, oh, I missed you, mm. Are you ready?
- Yes. - Yes, okay.
Go put some shoes on, all right?
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I had to put out, like, ten fires at work,
and Jeff has been totally MIA.
- That's fine. - Shit.
I, uh... I didn't realize you were cooking.
Sorry, I wasn't... Carrie asked me to set you a place.
Uh, we're not gonna be at Leon's,
so don't worry, you can eat your wings in peace.
The party was canceled, but... thanks.
How long are we gonna be like this?
Like what?
I don't know. Like this.
Isn't this what you needed? Separation of church and state?
No, I needed... I needed some space.
Not for you to become like a total stranger.
You moved out. I don't know.
The sign seemed pretty clear on my end.
Oh, hey, there she is.
You have a good day today, sweetie.
I made these for you, and I love you very much.
- Oh, I love you too. - Give me a hug.
Ooh, these look so yummy.
I'm gonna steal some from ya.
You know, the party was half mine.
It was a shared party, shared friends.
But now, I'm the guy that doesn't follow through.
I don't want to be that guy. I hate that guy.
You're not that guy, Leon. You're nothing like that guy.
There you go.
These are very good, by the way.
Thank you. Harissa paste.
It's the end of an era, hmm?
Who would have thought that the courts would have ruled
on the side of the players' union?
I know, or that the XFL would take up the slack.
Nobody, nobody in their right mind.
And we're letting it pass, eating potatoes in a hot tub.
The Romans would be ashamed.
The Romans fed people to lions for fun.
I think they'd be very confused by all of this.
Hey.
Why don't we just have the party here?
No, I already sent the cancellation text.
Yeah, but this is an historic event.
The last Super Bowl? I think you get
a bye week on social faux pas.
It is a good house for a party.
This is the perfect house for a party.
Come on, when else do you get to celebrate
- the end of brain disease? - Brain disease isn't ending.
Well, the corporate profits are.
I mean, not in the pharma space, but in sports.
Well, in this sport.
In this specific instance.
That's something.
Yeah. I could drink to that.
There we go. Mmm.
This world scares me, and my genes scare me,
and I'm so happy that I found Leon.
- What if he's all I need? - Then that's okay.
Yeah, but he's acting like I've done this maliciously,
and now, there's this chasm,
and he's burrowing deeper and deeper away.
Well, give him some time. That's all he needs, trust me.
What?
He didn't put me on the group text.
Well, I can add you back in.
- It doesn't work that way. - Hey, sure it does.
- Not emotionally. - You know what, Leia?
Honestly?
I hate football. Like, hate it.
Why don't we go to one of those K spas
that you like so much instead?
I promise I won't even audibly worry about sanitation.
I'll just go check on Leon.
Make sure he's okay.
I haven't seen him like this before.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
What happened to your pink wall?
Oh, uh, John said it felt like I was wearing a sign
for a female midlife crisis,
so we went with a more neutral suggestion.
It's very, very neutral.
Yeah, it's very, um... it's very calm, very simple.
Oh, I didn't get the gift baskets line.
Oh, they say Derek Jeter used to send
his one-night stands home with a signed baseball
- and like, a loofah. - How thoughtful.
I'm not sure our teenage followers
will get that reference, though.
There were context clues.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Wow, you went blue. - Yeah, yeah.
I needed a change.
Um, Camilla, this is Tathiana.
Oh, Tathiana Tathiana.
- It's nice to meet you. - You too.
So...
- how's school? - Good.
- How's work? - I quit the restaurant.
- Right, I saw the videos. - Our videos.
I'm her producer, actually.
You two really found a niche, huh?
You're not lonely, you're hungry.
Camilla came up with the tagline.
It's funny, though.
You ghosted me, but you're the one with a broken heart.
How does that work?
I guess we just have different versions of events.
A regular "Rashomon."
I never pegged you as a YouTube girl,
but I'm glad you found your calling.
I'll keep my eye out for the next video.
Can't wait to see how I wronged you in a coffee shop.
Nice to meet you.
Fuck. I wish we got that on tape.
Football things. Eat them.
Okay.
Let's see a little life in here, people.
Beer, beer.
You two should make out later.
Beer, beer for you.
We haven't met, but you get a beer too.
- Opener? - Ah, yes.
Thank you.
- Knock knock. - There they are.
- Hi. - Hey.
You must be John.
I can tell Val likes you. She keeps you hidden from me.
Well, you do have a history with my boyfriends.
Oh, do you... do you fight them?
Should I be worried?
Uh, no, he befriends them.
So yes, very worried.
Do you like barbecue? We'll get there.
- How about a drink? - Actually, I brought this.
Elijah Wood turned me onto it.
The little hobbit likes to drink.
- Hey, you. - Hey, I know you.
- What's going on? - How are you?
Nice to see you. Hi, Mama.
- Hi, baby. - So...
an anti-Super Bowl party. That's fun and ironic.
Well, not so much ironic.
My hatred for the NFL is deep-rooted and real.
Yeah, but Super Bowl parties tend to be pro-NFL.
Hence, the irony. Right?
- Well... - Yeah, I feel like
being anti-football is basically
on trend at this point.
I mean, if you really want to make a statement,
you should boycott NCAA basketball.
She's got a point. I mean, if you
watch the Super Bowl, you support the league.
Can we please stop poking holes in my paper-thin logic?
I just thought we came
for the Bruno Mars hologram halftime show.
Oh, I'm Camilla, by the way.
- Oh, John, sorry. - Hi.
No, guys, we're here to celebrate
the end of a barbaric tradition.
Like leeching or ice.
Hey, I'm going to pop this open.
Do you guys have wine glasses?
- Um, I got you with a glass. - Great.
I definitely want some.
- He knows Elijah Wood. - Okay, shut up.
Where is, uh... where's Carrie, where's Rae?
Um, with Jeff, probably.
Oh, are they gonna come watch football?
- I doubt it. - That's too bad.
Yeah, well, things have been a little awkward
- since Rae moved out. - Rae moved out?
A small problem.
You know, this is why the Founding Fathers
were against monopolies.
I think that was monarchies.
Teddy Roosevelt was monopolies.
Oh, is that why the Monopoly Man looks like him?
You know, I don't know. But that makes a lot of sense.
Okay, there.
It should be rebooting now.
Hey, how come you didn't tell me about Rae?
Oh, well, you were in the bubble.
I didn't want to pop it again.
Well...
- how are you holding up? - Honestly, not great.
- Carrie's gone half the week. - Mm-hmm.
I'm not sleeping.
I'm more bitter than a jilted ex-wife.
Okay, you can be sad without being sexist.
Sorry.
Being punished for loving someone is weirdly new to me.
And it's fine if she doesn't feel the same way.
I mean, it's deeply painful, but...
she didn't need to move out.
Well, I guess she felt like
she probably had to set strong boundaries.
We had five years together,
and I said one thing, and that's it, that's the end?
So say a different thing.
I mean, I don't know, it's...
you want to ignore it, but you can't.
Because you have Carrie now, and she has to come before you,
and she needs you and Rae to be okay.
You're a halfway decent therapist.
- Has anyone ever told you that? - Wait, what?
Yeah.
Ugh, haven't you heard?
I have a wine store now.
- I did hear that. - Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna text her.
How's this?
"Leon's having his Super Bowl party here.
"If you and Jeff want to come by,
I would love to see you."
Yay.
- Period or exclamation point? - I was gonna go period.
- Hmm. - Exclamation?
- Mm. - Exclamation.
Well, that's a great first step.
Yes!
Oh, and God said, let there be Wi-Fi.
- Ooh. - And there was Wi-Fi.
And no one was happy again.
Economies of scale have changed everything.
My camera equipment? Just as good as a pro kit.
I mean, access is basically universal.
And then the most compelling stories rise to the top.
And what's more honest than page views?
I don't know, if you find something, let me know.
- Care for a Pimm's? - Fill 'er up.
I gather your cooking show is getting quite the audience?
It's not a cooking show.
It's a two-minute ad for Instagram.
Everything I use is for sale except my soul,
unless you're offering.
My patrons are advertisers too.
The new Medicis.
Though I suspect they have a different idea
of what constitutes a dark age.
You're gloomy today. I like it.
Where's your better half?
Not interested in a party,
or a compromise, it seems.
C'est la vie.
Well, to selling out.
And embracing the darkness.
I feel like taking shots.
Le-on!
- Hi, Val. - Oh, hi, Rita.
- This is your brother's house? - Yeah, uh-huh.
He bought it during the recession.
- Can you excuse me... - Oh, I love a story
with a happy ending. It feels like there should be
some antlers somewhere. Where's John?
I'd like to meet the Smith from Malibu.
Oh, he is... I don't know, he's around here somewhere.
- Hi, Alex. - Hi, Rita.
How are you? Love your house.
Oh, my God.
The bloody internet's out again.
- The match starts in 22 minutes. - Yeah, I'm aware.
It starts at the same time every year.
And it's a game, not a match.
This isn't tennis, or cricket, or Aussie league rugby.
Well, now it's 21 minutes.
Okay, everyone off your phones.
Off your apps. Apps are surveillance networks.
Surveillance networks use bandwidth.
Once we do that, we can have football.
Okay? But have fun in the meantime.
Never underestimate the ineptitude
of AT&T/Time Warner/Spectrum.
Shouldn't the corrupt internet
at least favor the corrupt sports leagues?
This is why I still have cable.
- That's not helping. - If we leave now,
we can make it to Big Wangs in time for kickoff.
No one's going to Big Wangs, Ryan.
The game's gonna come back.
We just need to have a little faith.
- Ah! - Yes!
- Come on! - Voilà.
- Hi. - Hi.
Ask and you shall receive.
He comes through when it counts.
I'm really happy to see that you've recovered
from your virtual reality heartbreak.
I have. My credit cards have not.
Could have been a lot worse.
You were lucky I was there to save you.
- Yeah. - You were just
a damsel in distress.
I've never been called a damsel in distress before.
That's surprising.
This is a really nice house. Thank you for having me.
Oh, thanks for coming.
- You want a tour? - Yeah.
- Let's do it. - Great.
- Hey. - Hi, Leon.
- You okay? - I drank too much Pimm's.
You know, I would never have met Leia
if you hadn't taken me back to this room
all those years ago.
"Sliding Doors."
Hopefully, meeting me isn't the path
where you get pummeled by a van.
She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sure she'd say the same about you.
I can't find a solve.
I'm trying, but I can't make the pieces fit.
It's hard to know anything, truly.
But... you know Leia.
She knows you.
You sure you want to give her up for a life you don't?
I'm giving up a life either way.
You know what?
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes, Leon.
Now, imagine your world in five years.
What do you see?
I only see her.
That is brilliant.
We're always down for a collaboration.
- Yeah... - Oh.
There you are. I've been bragging about you.
It's so great. When I was your age,
I just wallowed in my heartbreak.
Oh, yeah, it's a whole new world of pain maintenance.
She's just so relatable, you know?
And she wears her flaws on her sleeve.
People are drawn to that.
That loneliness and desperation that we all feel.
She gives them hope. That reminds me,
we have to work in that Tathiana run-in.
Oh, my God. Camilla was telling me.
Yeah, obviously, we can reshape it for the show,
and give you the last word or whatever...
- I'd really rather not. - Why not?
It was so good.
Yeah, I...
I think I'm done with that story.
But you're the Broken-Hearted Chef.
It doesn't work without the other half.
So we'll try a different angle.
There is no new angle. That's your identity.
I mean, you can't just take it off and put a new one on.
Let's find out.
I'm gonna get another drink.
I was gonna be a doctor or a lawyer.
- Okay. - Yeah, you know.
Like, make my parents happy.
Yeah, but keep them at arm's length.
Yes, exactly. But then, I hate school,
it turns out, so nursing's only two years
and it saved me a bunch of debt.
- Yeah, smart. - What about you?
Val said something like dating sites, or...
Well, I used to, back when I thought there was
a formula to attraction.
Oh, what a joke. It's all fucking random.
Like, you like, smell someone, and then, like,
see them in the light, and then you're in love.
Yeah, I'm with you. I'm starting to come around.
Yeah, I mean, I can take you out.
- I could show you. - Oh, yeah?
Like, what it's like out there.
I, like... I won't even steal your identity.
Okay, hard sell. You want another drink?
Yeah.
Where would I take you? Oh, you know what?
I think you're totally a Medieval Times type of dude.
What?
I would love to know how you came to that conclusion.
Oh, I get, like, a very competitive
eating, jousting vibe from you.
- Hey! - Daddy!
- Yeah! - Hey, want to go to Daddy?
Hi.
Rita, this is my daughter, Carrie.
Hi, and this is her mother, Rae.
- Hey. - Hello, mother.
- That's gross. Hi. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm gonna get the drink.
- What's up? - Um, nothing.
I'm glad you texted. I, um...
I missed your food.
Wait, I didn't catch that.
- Sweet vindication, yes. - Yeah.
- Where's Jeff? - Uh, work stuff.
- Oh, bummer. - Yeah.
- Well, I'm glad you came. - Yeah, me too.
I'm glad you came.
What's the countdown to kickoff?
- Minute and a half. - Go find us a seat.
Uh, okay, everyone.
We're all here to celebrate the end of a sport
we love to hate, but I'd like to say,
there's no one I'd rather be here with...
- For crying out loud! - Oh!
- Wait! - Alex.
- Come on, dude! - Oh, my God.
If we leave now, we can be on the couch by halftime
- to see hologram Bruno. - No, no, no. No, no, no.
No one needs to leave. Um, this...
this is a protest, okay?
By not watching, we are turning our backs on the NFL.
Just like they turned their backs on Colin Kaepernick.
And... and... and Mike Webster,
and all of the other players fighting for progress
and equality, and social just...
Updated arrival time: 47 minutes.
- What's up? - Oh, nothing, I just...
I thought since I live closer,
and you wanted to see the game...
Oh, I mean, we... do you want me to reroute?
I just figured my TV is nicer, and I like you in my bed.
Hard to argue with that.
Hey, uh...
how'd the store look, by the way?
- Pretty great, right? - Yeah, oh, great.
Really, really great.
Yeah.
We didn't even get to break my helmet piñata.
Carrie can do it.
Well, looks like you're gonna have to wait until tomorrow.
I know I'm biased, but she's pretty perfect, isn't she?
Yeah, she is.
Hey, I don't want to put her in a car tonight.
Do you think she can sleep here?
- Yeah, of course. - Yeah?
I'll take her up.
- Is he okay? - I honestly don't know.
Curating your Insta?
- Deleting it. - Sure.
- Eventually deleting it. - Mm-hmm.
You look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Not yet.
But you could start by buying me a drink.
I want a family.
And I can't compromise on that.
I can't make that promise.
I may need to find someone who can.
I know.
All right, I put her in her jammies.
She's back down.
Can I stay here too tonight?
It's just, it's been a really long day.
You can always stay here.
You're my permanent houseguest.
My own little Kato Kaelin.
Oh.
This has been a really hard month.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said it.
It was inappropriate, and selfish, and...
just, God, what a mess.
- No, it's fine. - No, it's not fine.
It's fucked up, because when you're an adult,
your feelings don't really matter.
You're with Jeff, and I'm not gonna just disappear.
You know, we're a family.
We're a weird, imperfect family.
And we're always gonna be around each other.
And I need to learn to deal with it.
Because nothing makes me happier...
than when you're happy.
So if you're happy, then... then great.
If this is what makes you and Carrie smile,
then all is right in my world.
You're my best friend.
You gave me everything already.
I can't believe I'd think to ask for more.
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