[ Down-tempo music plays ]
MONARCH: I always wondered what was up
with this creepy building.
Welcome to The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
Ta-da!
Please step on the grating and put these on.
Have you eaten breakfast?
- No. - Not yet.
- Good. - [ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Thud ]
Here she is... Guild Strategic Operations.
Research and development, agent training,
covert undertakings, scams, shams, and "oh, damns"...
This is where it all goes down.
WATCH: Every one of these doors leads into the future
of organized evil.
Shut the fuckin' door!
E-Except for that door. That's the men's room.
THE SPLOTCH: Ladies' room!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Women moaning ]
- I-It's not what it looks like! - Dude!
You have the wrong door again.
- Right door. - This is the B.T.C.
Blackmail Training Center. These women are Guild agents.
WATCH: And that man has the job I apply for every year.
And denied.
The S.A.C... the Surgical Alteration Center.
Here, after multiple surgical processes,
we alter our agents to take the place
of the world's most powerful people.
MONARCH: Dave Grohl?
You made a guy into Dave Grohl?
Nobody refuses Dave Grohl.
He got a Beatle to be in his band.
And King Diamond! You try that, smartass.
The Guild H.T.C... Hypnosis Training Center.
Here we train agents in the use of our own method
of speed induction.
[ Scoffs ] Hypnosis doesn't really work.
Oh, yeah. It's a complete myth.
Sleep!
[ Animals growling ]
- No way. Screw this! - Relax!
This is the H.T.C... the Hologram Training Center.
Observe.
These are harmless projected imag...
- Okay. No. This is real. - [ Cat hisses ]
Wait. No. This is the V.A.T.C.
The Vicious Animal Training Center.
[ Animals growling ]
Who's a good ocelot?
Let's just leave really slowly.
[ Door closes ]
WATCH: See? We really need to label these doors.
This the Guild Interrogation Hub.
What, it's not the G.I.H.?
No. Why would it be that?
So, anything interest you?
We were looking more for fieldwork...
you know, something to help us level up.
The best thing for that is to be a good "earner."
You bring in looted technology, intel, severed heads, cash.
Oh, there's the Big Villain program.
Tutor a Guild newbie for a day,
get massive brownie points at your review board.
I don't know. Maybe? I... Who do I got to tutor?
Uh, the only one available today is St. Cloud.
Level one.
Arching Billy Quizboy and the Pink Pilgrim.
Dude! They work for Venture!
It's big-headed Billy and that albino guy.
We got to do this.
Sweet! We are so in.
- Ooh. Sorry. - Please do not touch anything.
Hey, that's my wife. Hi, sweetness!
That's secret Guild business, Mr. Monarch.
Let's get you to your Little Villain.
We can make this nice and comfortable for you.
You just confess to being a member of the Peril Partnership,
and you're a double agent for the Guild by lunchtime.
I'm buying. Turkey subs?
And if I don't?
Well, that's treason.
The punishment for that is a classic.
It's called the tub.
It's filled with milk. You lay in it.
if you're hungry, we pour honey on your face.
That sounds kind of nice, actually.
At first... you know, till the milk spoils.
Soon the tub fills with your excrement,
then the flies and their maggots.
At first it itches a bit.
Then it starts to burn.
Your skin peels away with every scratch
you can't stop yourself from making.
The blood mixes with the foul milk and excrement,
seeping into your open wounds.
The smell of your own death causes you to vomit
into your already-toxic coffin.
Then the rats.
Oh, right.
Yeah. The Peril Partnership.
Is that what you're... Yes. Let's talk about them.
#21: [ Gasps ] He owns the X-2?
How the hell is this guy only a Level One antagonist?
Right? The X-2?
I haven't been aboard this thing in years.
It's like visiting the house you grew up in...
if you, like, buried a dead guy behind it.
Ugh. So eerily familiar.
#21: You know what looks familiar?
That. That's Blue Thunder. Roy Scheider flew that!
Dude, remember how ripped he was in "Marathon Man"?
He was like Bruce Lee.
Friggin' Roy Scheider, "Jaws" dad.
Secret six-pack. Who knew?
Ahoy, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard the X-2,
as seen on "The Rusty Venture Show."
Ah. Uh, hello, there, uh, son.
Uh, do you know where Mr. St. Cloud is?
Oh, goody!
I'm being hazed by my Big Villain.
I wore my rubber panties just in case you tickle me.
I always make wee-wee with tickles.
Are you fucking kidding me? That's St. Cloud?
[ Horns honking, door opens ]
DR. VENTURE: I brought crullers!
And one apple fritter that's mine.
And two of the crullers are mine as well.
- Where are you guys? - Freeze!
All right. Prove that you're the real Doc.
This is totally a laser gun.
No. And what is that, a caulk gun?
Show him what we got in the mail this morning.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
"Welcome to your demise," yada, yada, yada...
Mm-hmm. [ Mumbles indistinctly]
Yeah. You guys, this is a boilerplate Guild threat.
- Please. - I tried to tell him that.
Liar! You were as freaked as I am, White!
Billy, it's a scroll. Hello?
It's like being scared of a book report
on the Declaration of Independence.
Did you not read the part that mentioned disemboweling?
It personally threatens my intestines!
[ Sighs ]
Come in, Brock.
We have a Level One Guild arching threat.
BROCK: So? What do you want, an aspirin or something?
See? It's nothing.
Where do you keep the caulk? I got to load this bad boy.
Just keep an eye on basic Peril Partnership operations.
You're more like a concerned friend than a spy.
And you'll help me with my problem?
Sign it, and I'll do everything I can...
So you don't want to talk, huh, punky pal?
Does a cat have your tongue?
Well, I am just the dog to get that cat off of your tongue!
Where is the disrupter ray, Mr. Think You're Tough Guy?
What are you talking about?
He's agreed to work with us
if we help him get his girlfriend back.
Help get his girlfriend back?
Is this interrogation room 8C?
This is room 8B.
My mistake.
You have no need
of my super-intimidating bad-cop routine.
What you need... is a makeover!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Laughs ]
Then we all get milkshakes!
- We're not going. - I don't want to do that.
#21: Look at all this stuff!
That's the 1973 "Sigmund and the Sea Monster" suit.
Where did he get this?
I like his albino. Quiet.
You should take notes on this guy.
Ta-da! My snazzy villain ensemble.
- Uh, I don't get it. - No. No. He's a lightning cloud.
You know... St. Cloud? Cloud hat?
Should it be tighter, mm, sexier?
Oh, God, no! It's already...
Okay. No... It's a start. So, what's your weaponry, huh?
Can you lay down, like, a blinding smoke cloud,
or does lightning come from your hat?
These are made of foam core.
Do you have any superpowers?
Like, you know, were you bit by a radioactive bug or anything?
Mm, well, I do have lupus, fibromyalgia,
and restless leg syndrome.
Well, maybe we can work with the restless leg?
- Stop! - Super restless leg.
- That's dumb. - All right. Fine.
So you have no special abilities?
- I have money. - Perfect!
We'll get a top-of-the-line lightning rifle, and, uh...
Cloud bombs loaded with nerve gas.
Level One, dude. Level One.
Cloud bombs with laughing gas.
DR. VENTURE: Billy!
Let's go in there.
Come on! You can't hide in the can all day.
I got a belly full of crullers and a delicate colon.
Let's go!
There are like 10 bathrooms in this...
- Ow. - [ Laughs ]
- You're dead. - What the hell?
- I thought we were in time-out! - I told you this...
Never be standing behind the door you open.
It could've been a killbot with my voice programmed into it.
I actually made one of those.
His name was Guardo, and he could've just killed you.
Behind every door is a threat. Every sound is a warning.
Every shadow is a villain. Every step is a...
- [ Silenced gunshot ] - Aah.
- How in the hell did you... - Billy looked at you.
I'm armed, but my back is still turned.
You're only wounded. Come at me, hand to hand.
Keep low. Break my balance. If you have an edge weapon...
He just ran away, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure he was crying.
THE MONARCH: More smoke!
Now throw your catchphrase!
ST. CLOUD: Look out, do-gooders.
Use the P.A.!
You're supposed to be big and scary!
Reset!
[ Echoing ] I hope you brought rubbers,
because a storm is coming.
That's nasty... and not even a little scary.
- Rubbers? - ST. CLOUD: Uh, rain booties.
Don't improvise! Reset!
ST. CLOUD: Hey, what flavor is this fog?
- It's making me hungry. - MONARCH: Pineapple!
Now come out of the smoke and give your evil laugh.
Over here! You're facing the wrong way!
The fog is disorienting.
MONARCH: Evil laugh!
I will get you. [ Chuckles weakly, sighs ]
What the hell was that? Are you having an asthma attack?
That was my evil laugh.
Oh, disgusting.
I mean, it's scary, but in, like, that gross way.
You need a real, from-the-gut, bone crusher of a laugh.
Reset! Real evil laugh!
Do not embarrass me in front of Venture!
Mwuah-ha-ha-ha-ha... Mm.
Ew! Will you stop putting that weird groan at the end?
Here. Listen to a pro. Show him an evil laugh.
[ Chuckles ] Gladly.
[ Bones cracking ]
[ Laughs evilly]
Reset!
[ Siren wailing ]
[ Bell chimes ]
Don't put on the kettle. I'm not staying.
Just got to pick my clubs.
What the hell are you doing here?
Shh. Brock is training us to fight.
So I'm doing what I do best, which is to secretly cower.
Oh. Hey, that reminds me.
- Damn it! - Ha!
I said trust nobody!
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
Ugh. I want this car so bad.
I know you do.
So, ready to pull your first P.E.N.I.S.?
That sounds unappetizing.
Oh, no. P.E.N.I.S. is just an acronym.
For Preliminary Effective New Information Schooling.
It's like recon, but, uh, you bust shit up.
Then why not call it recon instead of P.E.N.I.S.?
- [ Snorts ] Instead of what? - Instead of P.E.N.I.S.
- [ Chuckling ] - Of what?
- Of P.E.N.I.S. - I can't hear you back there.
ST. CLOUD: P.E.N.I.S. I said P.E.N.I.S.
P.E.N.I.S.!
WARD: [ Humming ]
Yeah. the O.S.I. never changes their passwords.
And boom, here she is... Agent Kimberly McManus.
Ooh-la-luscious!
Way to go, S-464.
Ladies do love exposed brains.
How do you know what she looks like?
That's melt-in-your-mouth code we're looking at.
She's working daycare...
Level One arches, surveillance, intervention.
Do we have any Level One arches scheduled today?
One... Augustus St. Cloud.
He just put in a requisition for a Level One lightning rifle
and laughing gas grenades.
And he paid in cash.
- Dolla dolla bills, my brotha. - All right.
Uh, upgrade the lightning rifle to Level Six and send it out.
Mm. Six-level lightning. That should get her attention.
She'll have to intervene on a treaty violation.
So will we. And you will get your lady back.
Isn't that, like, dangerous?
We're The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
We're the bad guys. Own it, gentlemen.
- [ Glass shatters ] - ST. CLOUD: Enh...
Ow. [ Sighs ]
[ Clears throat ]
I am Augustus St. Cloud, archnemesis of the Quizboy.
I'm here to bust things up and chew bubble gum,
and I find bubble gum unpleasant.
[ Scottish accent ] Oh, laddy boy.
You chose the wrong place to talk tough.
- [ Whimpers ] - Rose? Rose, dear?
There's a wee little pest in here!
You're stronger than anticipated.
Oh, they're just water bugs, Horace.
Honestly! Oh, hello there.
He says he's here to bust things up.
Apparently he's your son's nemesis.
You want to hurt my Billy?
Horace, put him down.
Mama bear wants a piece of that action.
Oh, you're in for quite the pummeling there, sonny.
I'll let you take the first swing,
and if you don't put me down,
I'll beat the living shit out of you
till my arthritis kicks in.
And I just took my Humira.
[ Helicopter whirring ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Ugh. Who the hell is this now?
Didn't you say I'm clear for a while?
This isn't for you. It's for them.
I'm sorry! I had to put this place down as our sanctum.
My place is filled with helpless old people.
What does it say?
[ Sighs ] "I will get you.
Mruu-haha."
Who's Mruu-haha?
[ Sighs ] It's an evil laugh, Billy.
Wait a minute. That's exactly how The Monarch
spells his evil laugh... with the stupid M-R and two U's.
You think that's a coincidence?
I think it just got personal.
Boys, get your coats on. We're stepping up our game.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Pei put makeup on me. How does it look?
Less like an old woman beat your face,
but more like if Michael Kors worked at the Wonka factory.
Mm. Goody. So, what's in the case?
That, my Little Villain, is your new lightning rifle.
21, why don't you tell him what six figures gets you
at the Guild company store?
Rubberized titanium stock and hand guard,
air-assisted charging handle,
activation bolt, energy magazine release.
Gives you 10 Level One-rated blasts,
regulated here at the ejection port.
Balance at the handle, which doubles as a rear sight drum.
And that's all the cookies I need to sell
to get my merit badge.
- Here. Give her a go. - [ Groans ]
Owie. I landed on my bum-bum.
Ugh.
Help him up and get him changed for his arching.
Damn it. It was so cool until then.
[ Lighter clicks ]
QUIZBOY: Four months?!
We need these costumes tonight, like in a couple hours!
Oh, you no just-a steal suits
like-a this beautiful rogue here?
Ah! Enzo no stay mad.
Rusty good man... mostly.
Enzo. Enzo?
You don't have any old rentals for special friends?
You play-a Enzo's heartstrings! Okay!
For the pink man, yes, but for him?
He's like a bambino!
Oh, but his head is like big strong man,
like a man maybe six meters tall.
Molto grande!
I'll pay double rental.
I want these guys invincible for their first New York arching.
Oh! First-a time? So exciting.
I set you up.
But Enzo no hear that!
Enzo, he know nothing.
[ Horns honking ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Hey, move that thing out of here, buddy!
Not gonna happen, pal. The engine died.
Will you take West 56th already?
Agent McManus in position.
MONARCH: Level One arches are so cush these days.
They never blocked traffic for us when we were coming up.
- [ Hissing in distance ] - I smell pineapple.
It is showtime.
[ Crowd murmuring, shouting ]
Should we go watch now?
Mm. Yeah. After I finish this latte.
It was $9.
Nine. For a latte.
Ugh. Come on!
You got to get out there!
QUIZBOY: No way! I'm not wearing this!
Billy, from 1962 till puberty,
Delta Boy of Venus kicked ass in that suit.
It's nigh impenetrable.
Now get out there and kick some ass!
It can't be any worse than White's.
Seriously.
I really thought a guy called Killer Drone
would've had a cooler costume.
[ Clanking ]
Wow. You look like a real superhero.
You look like a can of Diet Pepsi.
At least I don't look like the girl from the Blind Melon video.
Well, her stinger didn't shoot darts,
and her wings didn't actually work.
Huh? Huh?
Yeah. Okay. These don't either.
ST. CLOUD: Billy Quizboy, A storm is coming for you.
Put on your rubbers. Mm.
#21: Oh. So close.
My God! Don't improvise!
ST. CLOUD: Hear my thunder.
Fear my lightning.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
W-What do we do? I don't have any weapons or anything.
Don't worry!
White shoots darts from his butt.
Your job is to give a heroic speech.
Now get out there and do me proud.
It's Level One, Billy. It's a show.
He stuns you, you stun him, he vows revenge,
and then you tell him that good always triumphs over evil.
- Does it? - Of course not.
Now get out there and get this crap over with.
You're blocking traffic.
#21: Oh, and he's taken out like it's trash day.
Swing and a miss!
Way to go, Venture! Love the costumes!
They look nothing like you rescued them from Lidsville!
Oh! He's coming out! And he's facing the right way!
Oh, you brought your albino?
Coward. I left mine at home.
I'm not his albino.
People don't own albinos!
Eat my darts, St. Cloud!
[ Grunts ]
Ugh. So undignified.
Were we this bad when we started?
Agent McManus, O.S.I. I'm shutting this down.
I have suspicions that your man has an unregistered rifle.
Kimberly. It's me... S-464.
Oh, fantastic. You're on daycare duty, too?
Perfect. Just great.
And in the darkest night,
even when you can't find a flashlight that isn't, like,
out of batteries or something, good always prevails over evil.
Take this, Quizboy.
[ Chuckles weakly]
[ Grunts ] Oh. Oh.
Evil laugh fail and he's just gassed himself.
- Ah. Geez. - ST. CLOUD: [ Coughing ]
What... What's my wife doing here?
[ Coughing, laughter ]
QUIZBOY: [ Laughing ] W-What the hell?
Is this laughing gas? You... You moron!
- WHITE: [ Laughing ] St. Cloud! - ST. CLOUD: [ Giggling ]
[ Laughing ] You asshole! It's go time!
Oh, I'm so woozy. White?
I'm gonna puke in my Delta Boy suit.
[ Laughter continues, thunder crashes ]
ST. CLOUD: [ Laughing ] Who has my rifle?
The Peril Partnership are scum. Honorless scum!
I said I was done with you, and I meant it!
Oh, my God. Will you give him a chance?
I'm sorry. Who are you?
- Uh, excuse me? - You heard me.
Uh, listen, you O.S.I. lackey.
I will wipe the floor with your fat trucker ass.
I don't care if he loves you, set all this up,
and is helping us spy on the Peril Partnership all for you,
'cause I am going to kick the shit out of you.
You're a double agent?
You did all this for me?
- Why didn't you just tell me? - No, no, no!
Screw this happy-ending crap!
This bitch is gonna get a beatdown.
Uh... Councilwoman Smith! [ Chuckles ]
I'm so glad you answered my call.
My Little Villain had a mishap with his rifle.
Why don't you two take off?
There's gonna be tons of paperwork,
and, uh, there's no reason to ruin all our nights.
We will handle this.
You would've lost your seat on the council if you'd fought her.
[ Sighs ] Thanks. You saved my life.
No, I saved your job. I just saved that woman's life.
You would've kicked her ass!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
QUIZBOY: So he shoots me with his rifle, right?
And I thought, "I'm dead. This is it."
Me too!
There were all these sparks flying around him.
But the suit, the giant suit, it absorbs the blast,
and there I am, still standing.
WHITE: And then I started kicking him, right?
Like "Goodfellas" style, just... just whalin' on him.
Beatin' on his rib cage with his foot.
Go get your damn shine box, St. Cloud!
White is just goin' at his rib cage like it's...
- like there's money in it. - Right? Oh, totally!
We housed him!
[ Speaking indistinctly]
When, uh, when are you gonna tell 'em
that they were hallucinating on nitrous
and, uh, we found the three of them asleep in a little pile?
Never.
P.E.N.I.S.