Why are children dancing with a mad Polish woman
in my electoral office?
When I agreed to this job, you said that I could bring Iain into work.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
I was your fellow speaker here today.
Li-Ming Wu. Hi.
The bodies of two drowned plumbers
were pulled from a sewer today in Canberra.
The bodies were identified
as brothers Jake and Gordon Metherill from Queanbeyan.
- The plumbers. - Hm?
You didn't. You wouldn't.
Have you got an appointment to see me, Joe?
What if I throw you my numbers, make you Prime Minister?
You give me that back,
you sign a legal document
relinquishing all future claims to it.
- Prime Minister, Cal. - It's my painting.
- Prime Minister. - Mmm...
Are you sure you can't find another hour or so?
It is not often I spend time with someone who appreciates my passion.
Why are people leaving the room quickly?
Oh, shit.
It's a coup.
- It's a fucking coup. - Oh...
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Excuse me.
You're looking great.
Why was I not invited?
Because questions would be asked
by my parents and my husband's parents,
the politburo, the ambassador, not to mention my husband.
Yes, yes. Well, let's... Let's not mention him.
Now, who is the offending article?
Stop it! He is the deputy secretary for the embassy here.
- Oh, is he? - Yes.
Oh, right. Well, good for him.
His father is about the third richest man in China.
Oh, is he?
And he wants his son to be president one day.
Does he? And, um...
Do you love him?
I like him.
He's handsome, he's smart.
With my advice, he could get things done.
See, I don't like him.
- You never met him. - No, but I don't...
I don't have to meet people to not like them, I just...
So, this is the real you,
as opposed to the bullshit artist I had lunch with.
Yes. This is...
This is it, I'm afraid.
I always prefer the genuine article.
Er, happy to talk about this, guys.
Sources within Australia's diplomatic corps are describing it
as is one of the most embarrassing diplomatic incidents in decades.
The Chinese Premier is not only calling for an apology...
Pull up in this vet.
Princess is distressed.
I need to see if there's someone who could have a look at her.
Oh, God!
Whoa... Oh, God!
- Oh... - Yes, they can see her.
Oh, mate, she's chucked something up in there.
- What? - Oh, mate.
She has thrown something up in there that you don't want to know about.
Oh, Princess.
Where... where is she?
What do you mean?
- Where's Princess? - I don't know.
Where is she? Well...
Well... Well, she...
She was right here a second ago.
- I'm buggered if I know. - You... you were right here.
Well, mate, I don't know. I mean has she... she...
Princess...
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Oh, no. I don't know. Catty!
This morning, I had the privilege
to inform His Excellency the Governor-General
that the Federal Liberal Party last night bestowed upon me
the enormous honour of its leadership.
He consequently asked me to form a government.
I would like to thank Gareth Morrow
for his fantastic work as Prime Minister
over the past five Newspolls... uh, 15 weeks.
But quite frankly, we weren't coming up to scratch.
Darling.
Come here.
More significantly, though, and on a very, er, very sad note,
Chief Justice Nelson last night passed away suddenly
from a heart attack.
He graced his office with grace and dignity
and we send our condolences and love to His Honour's family
and, of course, there will be a state funeral.
- Are there any questions? - Mr McGregor...
Yes?
I understand the incident at the Midwinter Ball last night
involving Senator Cleaver Greene, a Chinese bride,
and the collapse of a screen
has caused enormous tensions with Beijing.
Mm. Not all, Catherine, no.
I spoke to Premier Tsing this morning and we couldn't be closer.
Relations simply could not be better.
_
God...
So what made you come home so suddenly?
Claudia left me.
- Claudia's a colleague? - My boss.
OK.
And... And she's about how...
- 54. - Right, 54.
Darling, can I ask you a, um...
...a bit of an awkward question?
Yeah.
This thing that you've clearly got about older women,
and it is a thing because it's been going on for a while now...
Mm-hm.
...do you think that, um... you know, subconsciously,
it's a way of, um...
...sort of...
...that it's about you and me?
Eugh!
Are you out of... Are you kidding me?
How many times do I have tell you, Mum, this is not oedipal?
This is just a thing.
- It's a normal thing. - OK.
See, I think that a more normal thing would be
to have lustful thoughts about girls your own age, for example, you know.
What is there to understand?
Most people, they have things, and most people don't know why.
But darling, she's 54.
I mean that's, you know...
Are you saying that a 54-year-old woman can't be beautiful?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
It's just around the corner for you.
Well, hey, it's not around the corner, I'll have you know.
It's a good way off.
And, you know, Missy is a beautiful woman
and you have a child together, and she's got a good decade on you.
And, I mean, that's substantial,
that's something to be getting on with, don't you think?
- Can I help you? - Dallas Jeffrey, Senator Greene.
I'm from Morgan Field Estate Agents, who represent this property.
This is your notice to quit.
- Quit what? - These premises. Immediately.
Well, you can't do this.
I'm a... I'm... I'm...
- I'm a Senator. - We're very well aware of that.
Well, I have a lease.
Many of the terms of which you have broken.
Here's the thing, I'm glad you're here
because I've been having a lot of issues
with the plumbing in this joint,
things you don't want to know about,
that I've had to pay for out of my own pocket,
and I need to be compensated for that.
You have constantly been in arrears with your rental payments.
Yes, now, see, that's an issue I'm having with the banking industry
because there's a conspiracy going on.
Senator Greene, I...
So that you can't just kick me out of here without any notice.
I... I know the law.
I make the law.
There is a clause in your rental agreement
which specifically prohibits subletting your space,
and allows for instant termination of the lease if you do.
I've never...
You have an hour to vacate these premises.
These gentlemen will ensure your rapid departure.
We'll probably need to fumigate.
Is it all done? Locked up at the back?
Alright, send the cleaners in now, please.
Oh, the new Prime Minister is so keen for a meeting.
Last night, he went...
Oh, great. That'd be right. Here we go.
- Yes, mate. - Hey!
Listen would you mind just taking them to Wendy's, please?
I'm assuming this'll be my lift for the day.
Hello, Nicole. Would you mind meeting me at the house, please,
as soon as possible?
Thank you.
Come!
I'm a man of my word...
...Treasurer.
Well, I won't say thank you
but I am prepared to acknowledge the gesture.
Fair enough.
Uh, Joe, hang on a tick.
Greene's coming in.
Might be better if we double-team him.
Brother.
Rightio...
...brother.
Thank you.
I... I didn't know you were coming back.
It was a spur of the moment decision.
- Ow! - Spur is not a fucking excuse!
You might want to hide behind being a child,
but you're not a child anymore!
Ow!
OK, one was fair, alright?
Do not get me started on fair.
You are an adult.
You have responsibilities.
Do you have any idea how selfish you've been?
Is there an answer I can give that won't result in me getting a slap?
Is Claudia here?
Is that why you've come back?
Claudia and I have broken up.
God. She's so grown-up.
Yeah, it's what happens, doesn't it?
Hey, little darlin' baby girl.
Hi.
Oh.
Good girl.
There were no deaths,
but there was quite a bit of physical damage, and political.
So, I mean, it has to be attempted manslaughter at least.
What, a screen falling over?
Jesus, you're a shit lawyer, Cal.
There's no such thing as attempted manslaughter, mate.
By definition, you can't attempt the accidental death of someone.
Terry, I need to give the Chinese something.
Or to be more precise, someone.
There's attempted assault.
What, by leaning on a screen? Which nobody saw me do, by the way.
And which resulted in a couple of people getting bruised.
- You pushed over the screen... - I leaned.
...with the intention of causing grievous bodily harm
on a race of people that you hate.
Oh, the whole race? With one screen?
Your father served in Korea, didn't he?
- Yes. And? - There you go.
What do you mean "there you go"?
Let's go with the whole hate-slash-terrorism line.
That way, we can have a trial in Canberra,
no press, no public.
We can have him off to an island by Thursday.
Terrorism is clean, uncontroversial.
And chuck in the hate crime...
Oh. You people... You're... you're mental.
You have deliberately destroyed years of patient diplomacy.
Whose diplomacy?
You've been Prime Minister for about seven seconds, mate.
I mean the South China Sea is about to erupt.
I mean you have no idea the shit I had to eat
from the Chinese this morning.
You know, if I close my eyes, Cal,
it's almost as if you're channelling my sister.
I mean, your voice is a couple of octaves higher, but it's uncanny.
So?
Oh, they're talking terrorism charges.
- What?! - Hilarious. Yeah.
I mean, they're gonna try and pin me with whatever they can get.
But it's pretty funny. I'm actually quite...
I know.
I'm looking forward to it, it'll be a big day with the press obviously.
- Terrorism? - Terrorism.
I mean, I leant against the screen, or is it leaned?
Um... Well, leaned or leant?
That is the deputy secretary of the Chinese Embassy
waiting outside your office.
The whatty... what?
Why? Well, has he got an appointment?
No, but I'm thinking that he doesn't need one.
Well, why do I want to see him?
Because he's here and he was the groom.
Oh, my God. He's the groom.
- Oh, shitballs. - Yep.
Oh, wow, he looks fit.
Yeah. Pretty, pretty fit.
Like, I'm talking Jet Li.
You mean Bruce Lee.
No, I mean Jet Li.
Who's Jet Li? Oh, you're thinking of Jason Scott Lee, Bruce's son.
No, Bruce's son was Brandon Lee.
I don't care if it's Jennifer Jason...
Just shush, shush.
Let me focus here.
Listen, could you just get some sort of emergency medical services
on standby, please?
OK, I'll call the Coroner.
Ah, Deputy Secretary, a pleasure to meet you.
Senator Greene, how do you do?
It has been a pleasure.
- He seemed nice. - Yeah.
I mean, that went a lot better than I thought it would.
Just keep your head back.
Ah. That's nice.
Mm.
Ohh...
I know this is unfortunate timing
but my people have told me that you should make your reckoning now.
Make my reckoning? What?
Settle your account.
There is not much confidence amongst any of the drivers' factions
that you will be a senator much longer.
I am under considerable political pressure right now...
Oh, yes, right.
...and in order to maintain my position,
I have to be seen to be showing strength.
And what position do you think I'm in to settle any account, mate?
I'm a homeless person with a broken nose.
This is about the Princess, and don't pretend otherwise.
I'll get you a new cat. Put it on the tab.
Half the money, now.
I don't have half the...
I mean, I don't know how much the whole amount is, mate,
but I can tell you now I don't have half of it.
Half the money, or half a finger?
Half a finger?
What, are you fuckin' Tony Soprano now?
Jesus...
My colleagues are very serious people.
Half a finger?
Mate, I've been driving you and that anally bereft cat of yours
around for weeks now.
That's gotta be worth something.
- OK, you get 5% off for driving. - Christ!
- How much do you think I owe you? - Let me check. Pass me that ledger.
Yep.
$180,000.
- Rounded down. - 180,000?
That is impossible, mate.
With interest, very possible.
That is bullshit!
I can't even conceptualise 180 grand, mate.
- Look, it's not just me. - Holy shit!
These are very serious people.
Who, the drivers?
If I don't go back with half the money or half a finger,
I will lose their respect and perhaps a whole finger myself.
Oh...
And I don't think that's fair, under the circumstances.
OK. Well, let's just go down to an ATM and withdraw $90,000!
I... Alright, I tell you what.
I will...
I'll write you a cheque.
You can be so amusing sometimes, sir.
Your son has made a lot of money, has he not?
I don't know. Why are we talking about my son now?
- You do know he's back in Australia? - No, he's not. Since when?
Since this morning.
He would've called.
Well... How do you know these things?
Good God, man.
You still do not understand the mysteries of power.
True power is never seen.
We are drivers.
We are this country's connective tissue.
And I want my Princess back.
Hey, mate.
Why didn't you tell me you were back?
It's a long story, Cleave.
- Mate. - It's a real cracker.
It's one for the whole family.
Oh, mate.
What are you doing?
Why is he wearing your robe?
Well, er... the ball was boring,
there was all that screaming coming from the Chinese wedding next door.
- And I invited him back for a drink. - Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God! Are you kidding?
Oh, God. Ohhhh! God!
Are you kidding me?
Oh.
You right in there, Cleave?
You have not got an original idea in your head!
Or your penis!
Don't you see what's going on?
He has been stalking me, sexually.
- He has not been... - For years! Years!
The whole world doesn't revolve around your penis!
Oh, oh, what's Cleaver up to now? Oh...
You're a sick man. I'm gonna throw up.
- You are sick! - You know what, you're right.
You're right, Cleaver. I was screwed.
- But Wendy has helped me see the light. - Oh.
You know, I was like a... like a crab lugging around his shell
as opposed to a shell lugging around his crabs.
Oh, see, that's not fun... You think that's funny.
But you know what? I have outgrown...
- He thinks that's funny. - ..my tiny shell.
I now have a new, big roomy one,
with a jacuzzi and a '70s soundtrack.
Look at him. That's my shell!
- Oh, God... - That is my shell.
You gave him my shell.
- I didn't give him... - You did!
Stop talking about shells.
Because you couldn't have me and so you... you were determined to...
...to build someone in my likeness.
- Cleaver, I rejected you, remember? - Yes.
Yes, you rejected me
because you wanted to go lounging around in Sardinia,
and I wanted to stay here and serve the people.
I rejected you because I can't actually trust
a single word that comes out of your mouth.
And the idea of you serving the people is ridiculous.
Did you two... I need to know. Did you?
Did you?
That is absolutely none of your business.
Did it?
Oh, that fucking song again.
World travel hasn't made you any more familiar
with the notion of knocking, I see.
Oh, my God, that song is going to drive someone postal one day.
Your mother's obviously been putting up with it for a year now.
However, number one on my Freudian hit parade right now
is what the hell is going on with you, my friend?
Claudia dumped me.
And Claudia would be the...
...the octogenarian woman who lured you into her honey trap?
Fuck, Dad.
Don't joke about this or I swear to fuck I will get on a plane
because I came here for comfort and support.
Right. Yes, see, sometimes we think we need comfort and support,
but actually what we really need is a size 9.5 Blunny up the clacker.
Why should men get to be with women half their age,
and women aren't allowed to do the same thing?
I mean, the President of France has a wife 25 years older than him.
Is he copping shit?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe the President of France
has fathered a child with his own father's former prostitute...
Not that that'd be a problem in France, of course.
Just... Just help me out with one thing, mate.
What in the name of God
could possibly be wrong with Missy?
I mean, she's an incredible woman, she's... she's older than you.
If it's not working, it's not working.
I fell for Claudia the moment I met her.
No, you didn't. You didn't.
No, you didn't.
You see, this is... Argh!
You've inherited your father's disease, mate.
You're mistaking possibility for love.
I don't know what that means.
The only thing that ever falls in love at first sight is your penis.
Real love presents itself slowly, over time.
And sometimes...
...you only realise it when it's left the building.
Can you please stop singing that song?
So, um...
...how is, uh... how's every other little thing in your life?
How's, uh... how's business going?
It's fine.
Why do you ask?
Oh, no, just... just wondering.
Shit, how much?
Mate, it doesn't always have to be about...
- How much, Cleave? - About 90. Quite quickly.
- Fuck. - Oh, mate. It's the drivers.
These are serious guys.
They seem to run the planet and I've lost one of their cats.
I'll get him.
Not a word from you.
OK, not a syllable from you.
So, here I was thinking that I was about to be charged with terrorism
and that'd be fine because I could defend that, but no.
The charge is fraudulent use of government property
for personal financial gain, OK?
And that's provable.
The fucking creche.
It was a community service.
She's been charging for it.
- I mean, I assumed she... - OK.
...you know, she'd be covering the costs
of, you know, cheese sticks and party pies.
How much money do you think she's made from this thing?
I don't... I'm not sure exactly.
Rough guess.
120, 130...
- Thousand? - Yep.
- Dollars? - Yep.
All declared to the Tax Office, I'm assuming.
There is a serious shortage of good childcare in the city.
Yeah, and, um...
So, what did you do with this money?
I put it under your mattress at my place.
Under my mattress, did you?
And so how much money do you think the nice policeman found
under my mattress?
I think the policeman found about 100.
100,000?
Yeah, I mean, we spent a little bit
and then we've got a lot of family back in Poland.
Oh, yeah.
And, um, oh, I put on, uh, a deposit for a school for lain.
Oh, good.
And, so, the nice man literally found $100,000 under my mattress?
- It sounds bad, but... - Doesn't it?
Yeah. It just... snowballed.
It got really out of control.
I mean the kids just adore Mama.
- Do they? - And... and the parents adore Mama.
Do they? OK.
Here's how we're gonna play this. Alright.
You don't speak a word of English, alright?
I don't want to hear another word of English from you
until all this fucknuttedness is over, yeah?
You don't speak a word of Polish.
I'm fluent.
You don't speak a word of the bastard, alright?
That's the game.
It's all about confusion, yeah?
You came out here as a little girl,
your parents were constantly squabbling in Polish...
I mean, they fought a little bit, but they didn't...
Your parents were constantly squabbling in Polish,
and that's why you've never embraced their language
because... because it stunted you emotionally, OK?
Hence, your mum and you have always had these kind of mix-ups,
these constant misinterpretations.
It's been an albatross around your neck since you were a little girl,
and that's when you start to cry.
Oh, do I have to cry?
Yes, of course you have to cry!
Are you crazy? How long have you been working for me?
There's always been this void, a void between us.
My mother and I,
I mean, we just don't understand each other as a mother and a daughter.
I...
I mean, I... I love her.
I don't know her.
I've been... I've been in Canberra so busy.
I didn't know she was running a creche.
And my partner Barney ran off with a Monica Bellucci look-alike.
And Cleaver Greene knows nothing about this!
- I get the picture, Cleaver. - Do you understand?
You don't speak any English, OK?
Because you're about to be charged.
Jakub will sort out the bail.
Do you understand?
So you'll defend us?
I can't defend you, I'm not at the bar anymore.
I'm gonna have to get an old friend to do it, or an old enemy.
So he wasn't arrested for terrorism?
What was he arrested for?
His chief of staff's mother was running a creche
out of his Sydney office.
Misuse of public funds.
Oh, well, next best thing.
It'll be an open trial, Cal.
Jack, would you excuse us?
Sure.
Jane, you may want to excuse yourself as well.
Seriously.
It's about what happened in the new...
Well, that is to say the former Parliament House.
Oh, gee. Is it the terrorists? Is there another plot?
Because I am not backing away in a fight from this one, Joe.
It's the last thing that people wanna see.
Cal, there were no terrorists.
- What? - It was dodgy plumbing.
Stuffed electrics.
Just a cigarette butt
thrown at some inappropriately placed cleaning products.
What are you saying? It was just...
- What, an accident? - It was just an accident.
But you guys were all over the news, from day one it was terrorism.
Yeah, we thought it was for a bit.
But, you know, that was before we found out
actually what happened from the plumbers.
Plumbers, what plumbers?
Oh, the ones who just drowned? The brothers?
As a matter of fact, that was them.
- So, what, we... - We retrenched them.
That's all. We retrenched them with extreme prejudice.
Jesus. Why did you tell me this, Jack?
Because you've got a choice, Cal.
I have no choice!
I have to go straight to the cops with this one.
Legally, yes.
But a number of us, Gareth, Angela, myself,
will probably spend the rest of our fucking lives in prison.
Oh, yeah, and what would be the downside for me?
Your government would fall tomorrow,
and you'd be the shortest-serving Prime Minister
in this country's history.
And what, you say, uh, Greene knows all about this?
I don't know what Greene knows.
And, what, he's facing an open trial?
I don't know how he's going to get the evidence into it.
Oh, it's Greene, you idiot!
He doesn't care if he gets it into evidence.
He's just gonna put on his circus act and all the press'll cover it.
Bubba.
What the hell?
What?
Your hair.
Oh, this.
Oh. Just trying out a new look.
- Miss... - Oh, God. Really?
Really?
Is this... is this really all it takes, Fuzz?
Fuzz, it's a stupid wig and glasses.
You know that if I take these off, um, I'm not a different person.
I'm the exact same person that you said that you loved.
Yeah, I imagined this being much more satisfying.
The wig and the glasses.
I mean, know people have their... things, obsessions.
- Oh, yeah. Fetishes? - Whatever.
It's just... it's not necessarily something you can... you can control.
Fuzz. You can't lecture me about fetishes.
Yeah, I know. I mean you, you wrote all about them.
I mean, come on, Miss, guys in closets
wearing rubber gloves and catsuits, and I'm just...
Fuzz, I don't care how old she is,
and I know I've done a lot of weird shit in a previous life.
You know what? Shocking as it may seem,
I feel like I've reached a point
where I want someone who just wants me.
Fuck.
So, I've just been trying to do a deal with the DPP, right,
but the government wants my seat so they want me out.
So, I'm basically looking at three years in the slammer
if I don't do a deal.
But, if I plead guilty, that's the end of my political career,
so I'm basically fucked, mate, I am fucked.
To say nothing of the fact that I'm about to lose a digit or two,
so, Fuzzy, if you could possibly see your way clear, mate,
if you've got 90 lying around in a sock drawer somewhere,
now would be the time to whip it out.
Missy's playing mind games with me.
Did you hear what I just said?
Mate, I've made this observation about your generation before,
about listening.
She was wearing a wig.
- I rest my case. - It was silvery grey.
Fuck, mate.
Well, a silvery grey wig, I mean,
you'd like that, wouldn't you, with your special needs.
She had these glasses on.
I always had a thing for women in glasses.
Oh, well, yeah, let's just have a chat about that.
Let's talk about that as opposed to, the fact that your old man
is going to end up back in the fucking clink again.
Sorry.
Dad, she knows I'm a Californian resident.
She's probably freezing my assets as we speak.
Freezing your assets. Right, OK.
So that... and that'd be where any kind of potential loany thing
might be coming from.
- Yeah. That's where the money is. - See, that's no good.
I'm about to start shedding fingers.
Alright, mate, I'll be back in a jiffy. OK.
- This has to stop. - What?
You can't punish Fuzz.
- Oh, I can't punish Fuzz? - No.
On what basis would I not want to punish Fuzz?
Compassion.
Compassion?
Come on, come on, I showed you compassion, haven't I,
over the last years or so when you've needed it.
- Cleave. - Yeah.
I don't know if compassion has really been the mixer
in the cocktail of our relationship.
You cannot freeze his US assets.
That would be a disaster for him, for you, for Winnie.
I mean, that would put her in a very vulnerable situation.
Freeze his US assets? I didn't even think of that.
Well, good, because that's a terrible idea.
That would give me a lot of bargaining power.
Just let's turn the heat down.
And now that he's a resident of California,
well, the courts are very sympathetic to abandoned mothers.
Come on! This is the father of your beautiful daughter.
Where's your humanity?
How much do you need from him?
90.
Quickly.
Look, Cleave, I don't want to hurt him badly,
but I think its only fair that he feels some pain,
and I've already spoken to a hotshot lawyer in San Francisco.
Oh, see, that's a terrible... that's terrible...
You don't need some smart-arse, Friscan prick coming in here,
and stealing 40% of your income.
It's a terrible idea.
We're family, we sort this shit out tonight.
Come on!
What... what sort of a split are you after?
70/30 his way, current and future assets,
and four grand a week maintenance.
That's for rent, clothing, schooling, holidays,
everything Winnie needs until she's 18.
OK. I can't make any promises.
50/50's what she's after, mate.
50/50 on the assets, 10 grand for Winnie until she's 25.
- 10 fucking grand! - That's where we are.
Are you...? This is fucking bullshit.
- That's where she is, mate. - There's nothing I can do.
I can do better in California.
I'll get a fucking team of lawyers, a fucking division of them.
- You think you could. - And she'll fucking pay me.
- No, no, don't talk like that. - Fuck!
Listen, there's a chance it's just a opening gambit, alright?
Oh, mate, I'm finding this too stressful.
Yes, I can see that.
- If you can sort this out tonight... - Mm?
...then I will look after you.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, that's very kind, thank you.
OK, well, what about we say
something like 70/30 your way on the assets.
- Yep. - Something like...
...four grand for Winnie a week until she finishes school.
- OK. - Yeah, mate, if you can do that.
- I'll try, I'll... No promises. - Oh, fuck.
OK, he has reluctantly accepted your terms.
I have prepared a short form memorandum of understanding.
Both copies are in with Fuzz as we speak.
You should sign them tonight
and I can get it into the proper legal sewer on your behalf, OK?
So, I will be needing my 90 grand, pretty much tomorrow,
and I would appreciate you backing me up on that as a term of the MOU.
Alright.
Good.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, just putting out another one of life's little spot fires.
You're welcome.
♪ Terry is a monkey and he's very funky ♪
♪ Bopping in a tree... ♪
Does he have to parade around like a sex pest?
Can we get him a full-length dress, do you think?
♪ Bananas, bananas Let's go bananas... ♪
Mate, nobody's laughing.
♪ You and me... ♪
What's that?
Is that Fuzz and Missy?
- What did you say to them? - What are they doing?
What are they doing?
- Fuck off, Cleave. - Oh, are you done?
Oh, come on, that's dis...
It's not... it's not a barn, you know.
Come!
Oh, that's hilarious.
Oh, that's great, guys.
Oh, I'm cacking myself.
Great. Really fun.
Where are my memoranda of understanding?
- Why? - Because...
Because it's your way of getting 90 grand?
No, but there was more to it than that.
Well, what was it, Cleave, because we don't want to sign it.
We think that we can come to an agreement on our own terms,
in our own time, if we even have to.
We had a perfectly good, functioning divorce going
and you two have just treated it with complete contempt.
Also, I never asked for a 50/50 split, Cleave.
It was a negotiation, guys. Neither of you is a lawyer.
- You were trying to shake us down. - That is...
I wasn't asking for a gift from you,
I was trying to get a loan, OK?
From my own flesh and blood.
- A loan to you is a gift, Cleave. - Oh, too much to ask!
Wow.
Well, that's just lovely,
And I'm glad you're both having a good laugh and you're all so happy.
Well, one thing's for sure, you can say goodbye to this.
Cleave, this isn't about you.
Yes, it is. What do you mean, it's about me?
It's as much about me as it is about you.
You just think it's not about me
because you think it's just about you.
Stop it.
So, what, are you going to get married or something?
Yeah, we're going to have a big white wedding,
and we're going to have roses strewn down the aisle
and John Paul Young is hopefully going to sing Love is in the Air,
and there's going to be tulle everywhere, especially on the men!
Fine, so that's a no.
He is your son.
Mm?
But I am happy, though.
- Really. - Yeah, scarily so.
Well, good, because you deserve to be.
Yeah, I know I do.
- Checkmate. - What, no?
- Mm. - No!
- Oh. - What, that's, what, six moves?
I'm very good at this game.
Yeah, well, three games in 20 minutes, I can tell.
Mm.
On our second date I played with Cleaver
and, um, I thrashed him so badly
that he refused to ever play me again.
Why does that not surprise me?
Do you want to play Scrabble? Well, that depends.
How good are you at Scrabble?
I'm even better at Scrabble than I am at chess.
- Really? - Especially if it's dirty Scrabble.
Ah.
- Mm. - You want to play dirty Scrabble?
Oh, my God, if I get a F and a K and I play it on triple word,
you are gone.
So, um, does that mean maybe tonight we will...
It's been so nice kissing and fooling around,
and... you know,
but we're not going to be a couple, David.
You know that.
Yeah.
It's just I've been looking after other people my whole life,
you know, I do it for a living,
and I... I really need to look after myself.
And I can only do that on my own.
And I know, I know that there is someone out there for you
and she will be amazing.
And she will come out of nowhere and she won't be a politician
or a therapist or a call girl
or a, you know, lawyer.
She'll just be meant for you.
And sincerely, my wish for you
is that you can just surrender to your life
and fuck off the instruction manual.
Well, me too.
Evening.
A couple of things... Before you start.
Just let me tell you this.
You are an idiot for losing that woman.
- Do you know that? - Oh.
Oh, is that right, mate. Oh, well, thanks...
That's right.
Oh, thanks for helping me out with that. That's great.
Here's a couple of things for you, OK?
If you're gonna be spending any length of time in this house,
I would appreciate it if you didn't do it in Wendy's nighties, OK?
'Cause I find that a little offensive to mine eye, if you understand.
Exactly why did you give her up?
Mate, that's my business.
- Was it for fun? - I'm a free spirit.
- You wouldn't understand... - You know what?
- Such a fuckin' old... - Free spirit!
- Do you know what? - I'm like Bowie...
- If that is being you... - ..or Marley...
...I don't want to be you.
Mate, you couldn't be me if your fuckin' life depended on it.
- Look at you! - Look at me?
And then look at me, alright?
That's why you couldn't be me Is that right?
Yeah, regrettably, you are you.
Do you know what you are?
- You're a dirty ibis. - You are a human turd.
Mate, you're a fuckin' turd.
Get out of here!
Oh, mate, I've got a lot of this!
I've got a lot of this.
You certainly do have a lot.
- Turd! Turd! - Turd!
Are they really that delicate?
Are you fucking... kidding me?
Oh... oh...
Oh, God.
You know, I really need a drink.
Oh, see, now you really sound like me.
So, new Parliament House,
by which I mean the former Parliament House...
What?
You're on the committee of inquiry, aren't you?
Yes, yeah.
How they gained access, whatever shit they used,
but, you know, the science isn't easy, so...
See, I think shit might be the operative word.
What do you mean?
Well, I have a feeling the whole thing might have been about poo.
Poo?
Poo.
Why do you say that?
Well, you know those two plumbers who died?
- The ones who drowned? - Mm.
They came to my place a while back and they did a bit of work,
and they were interesting guys and we got to talking.
And they were sent in under the tarp,
and then a short time later...
Why have you sat on this?
Well, because they're dead now,
which puts us in a very tricky position in terms of evidence,
and because it's me and nobody's going to believe me.
That's true.
And if I'm right, I don't want to fuck it up.
But that's where you come in.
So, your theory is that this was basically sloppy maintenance
made to look like a terrorist attack for political purposes?
- That's the theory. - Christ.
My committee doesn't sit for another month.
Even then, without witnesses...
I mean, we're talking about two,
possibly three prime ministers lying.
Mm-hm.
- Well, how do we get it out there? - Here's the thing.
I was thinking my creche case.
- What's the relevance? - Mate, it's me.
Huh?
- You representing yourself? - Yes.
But I'm going to need your backup.
OK?
And I'd sort out a reliable old enemy
to represent Nicole and her mum.
We are all children of someone, are we not? Of lesser or greater gods.
As seven-year-olds,
we all looked upon our futures assuming a rosy disposition.
Why should life turn grey and thorny?
One of the beauties of life is understanding myriad pricks...
...maintain a majestic pink rose...
Miss Huntley-Brown, is there a point
that your argument is searching for?
Well, with the greatest respect, Your Honour,
there is a question of context, which I'm sure you would appreciate.
Not quite yet, no.
Really?
The concept of governments hiding the truth
is as ancient as the concept of government itself.
Your Honour, a shabby blue tarpaulin has shrouded our national parliament
for some months,
and that is not just a metaphor, that is a deceit.
Miss Huntley-Brown,
what has that got to do with a case about the misuse of public funds
regarding an office in Sydney?
I will see counsel in my chambers.
All rise.
What the fuck is going on, Hunter?
I'll tell you what's going on.
There's a giant blue condom hanging over our parliament.
Forgive me, but I can't see the connection.
If something horrible is happening to Parliament House,
and it clearly is, that is deeply regrettable.
But what has it got to do with this case?
Reggie, the government is trying to cover up its own negligence.
Their efforts to silence
Senator Greene and Senator Potter's committee of inquiry and their staff
is beyond sinister.
The dead plumbers, do you really believe that was an accident?
What?!
I don't know how to express myself more clearly.
I do not want this argument going on!
It is irrelevant!
I'm going to have to excuse myself.
Very nice.
- Ah, Your Honour. - Senator.
- Oh, Senator. - Senator Potter.
Your Honour.
The passing of the Chief Justice is a great blow to us all.
Indeed.
I'm not sure if you're aware, Your Honour,
that Senator Potter here is a member
of the Senate Judicial Advisory Committee
with the responsibility of advising the Attorney-General
and, er, judicial appointments.
You went to university with the Attorney, didn't you?
Well, I certainly did.
Well, just out of curiosity, has the, er...
Has the Attorney indicated any replacement
for the late Chief Justice?
Ah... no. But there is a short list.
Um...
Changing the subject completely,
I've prepared what might be described as an amicus brief...
for Senator Greene.
Background information that were he allowed to tender
might prove useful in these proceedings.
I see.
Right.
And what about the matter of relevance?
How do I deal with that?
Oh, well, look, Your Honour,
in the unlikely event it should prove irrelevant,
you could always instruct the jury to disregard it.
Yeah, yeah, I could do that.
In the interests of justice.
Oh...
- Your Honour. - Your Honour.
Your Honour, the attempts by this government
to silence me and my staff
have reached... such an egregious level,
that they now want to lock us up for looking after children.
That is what government has become in this country.
If your enemies won't shut up, lock them up for pastoral care.
Quite frankly, Your Honour, after repeated attempts on my life...
...I feel quite lucky to be standing here.
Objection, Your Honour!
This is entirely irrelevant.
Overruled.
You may continue, Senator Greene.
Thank you, Your Honour.
Your Honour, there was no terrorist attack on Parliament House.
It was quite simply a matter of poor plumbing.
Holy fucking camole!
See, I told you he'd get it in.
We have to shut this troll down.
Get the DPP to end it.
On what grounds?
On whatever grounds you can come up with.
Martians have invaded. I don't give a shit.
That's why he's got the job.
- If he wants the job... - And the serious option?
Can we risk it?
Two plumbers are already dead.
Well, that had nothing to do with me.
- You knew about it. - We need to implode Parliament House.
Implode? What?!
Not on my watch.
Cal, at some point, the tarp is going to have to come off,
and some scientists that have been stripped of government funding
are going to go in there and quickly discover
there was no act of terrorism,
just some dodgy fucking plumbing.
So we say that in order to preserve the water table...
No, we say...
...in order to preserve the city of Canberra,
that that Parliament House, built under Labor's watch,
is so toxic because of the terrorists,
it has to come down.
And we get to build a new one.
Thousands of jobs.
Ta-da!
I get to save Canberra.
And build a new parliament.
Yes, Prime Minister, you do.
Well, what about Greene. What about Potter?
How do we shut them up?
Potter'll shut up if we up the refugee budget
by, say, I don't know, 200 million.
200 mill? Christ!
Yeah, OK, OK, we can do that.
Greene?
We're not thinking...
How can we?
I mean, will any of us ever know sleep again if we do such a thing?
It's either that...
...or we have to kill him.
Please, allow me.
Oh...
Ah.
Ah, thank you, mate.
Orgh!
God!
Oh, mate! Why did you...?
Mate, I gave you 100 grand from under my mattress.
Well, there's still another 80.
This will buy us more time with my people.
I've got bandages.
Hey.
- Hi. - Um...
I've got you a present.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
- Oh, it's beautiful. - Oh, good.
Um, I, um...
I just, um... you know,
it was really important to me that I acknowledge your resilience,
you know,
and your tenacity, and...
...and our long complicated history together.
And it is history, you know.
And...
Oh, God, I haven't done this for so long. Um...
But I loved you very much, you know,
and we made a beautiful, complicated young man together,
and...
...I just really want you to know that, despite all the nonsense,
I don't regret a minute of it.
It just looks... That looks terrible.
No, it's beautiful.
Hey.
G'day, mate.
Hello, puss.
Oh!
Hello, mate.
Princess!
How?!
See, I've been getting up early, mate,
and going searching
and she just ran straight into my arms.
I mean, she loves me.
You have a cuddle. I'll drive.
No, no, no, I'll drive.
Oh, no. Well, I...
Happy to drive...
Hap...
Oh, mate.
Hey, Cleaver.
I'm thinking...
...don't worry about the remaining 80 grand.
It's forgiven.
All I really wanted was to have my Princess back.
Great.
Thanks, mate. Good on you.
I, Cleaver Augustus Greene
do swear allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
her heirs and successors, according to law,
that I will well and truly serve her and her successors
in the office of Chief Justice of the High Court of Australia,
and that I will do right to all manner of people according to law,
without fear or favour,
affection or ill will,
so help me God.
It's against the law to finger the Chief Justice's robes in this way.
- It's man-made, isn't it? - Hands off, OK?
- Hey. - Ah, yes.
Mmm. Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
Yes, isn't he just?
- There we go then. - Yes.
Congratulations, Cleaver. Oh, well, thank you, mate.
You know I own your arse now.
Oh, Cal, you've always been a shit lawyer, haven't you?
Because I'm Chief Justice, so I own YOUR arse.
So, uh, what's on the agenda today, Jakub?
Well, you have this case, Button and Dean.
- I could walk you through it. - Is it a yes or a no?
Definitely a no.
Then there's one involving my union
and whether we have over-exercised our rights
in terms of subcontracting.
That's a no as well, I take it.
In terms of equity, yes, Mr Chief Justice.
But you're the judge.
_
- Feel like a dip? - OK, darling.
Mmm.
Madame.
- Oh, God! - Are you OK?
Um, it's... Oh, hey?
Get them off me!
Can we get a little bit of help over here?
The Chief Justice of Australia, just so you know!
They're not coming off!
Oh, my God, well, can you just shake your face?
What, shut your face? Why?
Just shake your face.
Oh, my God!
There's one almost in your ear.
Oh, God!