12 across: "2018 NBA Rookie of the Year."
(CHUCKLES) Claire-bear, pass me that pencil, please.
(CHUCKLES) Ah!
This bad boy's going in pen, baby. (CHUCKLES) Oh.
I love it when you get all confident during word games.
Thank you.
Uh, the 2018 NBA Rookie of the Year is none other than...
he's my favorite player...
I want to name my child after him...
Uh...
That might be moreof a conversation.
Ben Simmons!
You want to name our kid after Ben Simmons?
Yeah.
Ben Simmons Davis.
Well, what if it's a girl?
Ben Simmons Marie Davis.
- (LAUGHS) - Kind of like it.
- It's doing something. - (CAR DOOR SHUTS)
Oh, that's Cooper. He's home early.
Damn it. He's always walking in on us doing something lame.
I know. God.
See, this is the kind of thing that no one warns you about
when you agree to allow a world famous pop star
to move in with you.
- Okay. What do we do? - Uh...
I don't... um...
I don't... uh, just be cool.
Yeah, just be cool.
Uh... um...
Hey, guys.
- Hey, how you doing, man? - COOPER: Yeah, all right.
Hey, you know that feeling when you know
- you're in love right away? - Oh, totally.
Like, uh, when we first started
mixing M&M's in with our popcorn.
(CHUCKLES) So, who's the lucky lady?
Vanessa Cole.
That country singer who sings "That Dog Ain't Right."
- Oh, we love that song, right? - CLAIRE: Yeah.
♪ Oh, he'll chew your stuff and bark all night ♪
♪ He'll bite your ankles with all his might ♪
♪ Yes, it's plain to see ♪
BOTH: ♪ That dog ain't right. ♪
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, you're dating Vanessa.
Well, before she goes on her fall tour,
I want to surprise her with a big, romantic gesture,
but I'm kind of sick of my go-to moves.
You know, like renting out Dodger's Stadium
- to watch Field of Dreams... - Right.
Or eating a 12-course meal at the Vatican.
Of course.
How did you pull that off?
Oh, I know the owner.
God?
So, I was thinking,
you guys have been together for half my life...
Feels like a hurtful way to keep time.
No.
What big, romantic moves have you done over the years?
- Oh. (LAUGHS) - Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Don't even get us... - Don't get us started.
- Right? - Because once we start,
we ain't stopping.
Yeah. There's so many, it's like, um...
I mean, it just goes on and on and on.
(ROLLS TONGUE)
(BOTH STAMMERING)
Hmm. Well, there's that one... hmm...
CLAIRE: Oh! Oh! Okay.
- Get him. Let him know. - Ooh. Okay. So...
Let him know. So, just last week,
Jake totally surprised me by filling up my car with gas.
Mm-hmm.
'Cause everyone knows that the way to a woman's heart
is through her gas tank.
That's not a euphemism.
JAKE: Oh, I know.
Um, like, uh, Claire, she always leaves me
cute, little, sexy notes
like this one I found in my, uh, briefcase today.
(CHUCKLES)
(SEXY VOICE): "Jake, please buy lightbulbs."
I mean, I can't be the only one who's getting goose bumps. Huh?
Look at that. (CHUCKLES)
You know what? We're past all that stuff. You know?
I mean, I don't have to prove I love someone
when I regularly pick up their prescription toothpaste.
Aw, yeah.
That's right, baby.
(INHALES)
(COUGHS)
It's working.
It's working and, uh, so are we.
All right, well, let me know
if you think of anything.
- All right. - (LAUGHS)
You know, babe, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Cooper,
but that toothpaste is not working.
♪ Imagine me and you ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. ♪
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
I'd like to propose a toast.
Yay.
To my beautiful wife
who makes me excited to wake up every day. Aw.
Happy birthday, baby.
Ah, happy birthday.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Super sweet.
Cooper says happy birthday, as well.
He'd be here, but he rented out SeaWorld
so he and Vanessa could watch Finding Nemo.
Do you think he just doesn't know about movie theaters?
- That seems a little extravagant. - CLAIRE: Right?
It's hard not to feel like unromantic losers
when you're living with a celebrity
who, for Valentine's Day,
bought his girlfriend a panda holding a box of chocolates.
An actual panda.
I mean, is it okay that we don't do those things?
Of course it is.
That big, showy stuff is for new couples
who don't know what true love is.
GERALD: I don't know.
I think every once in a while
a big move can be nice.
Trust me, honey, a small, quiet dinner with my family,
that's all I need.
Right? I mean, married people don't need to do
- that over-the-top, crazy stuff. - (GASPS)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Daddy, is this for me? - Yes.
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea... ♪
What the hell is this?
Oh, there's Cliff and Betty. June!
Bonnie, I know we've missed a lot of big events together
while we were working, so I decided to gather
our best friends and our family
to show you just how much
your life and your love means to me.
BOTH: ♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ 'Cause there's only one Bonnie for me. ♪
(SQUEALS)
Oh, I was wrong, Claire.
This is what true love is.
(SIGHS)
Claire-bear, we're good, right?
Our fire's still burning?
Yeah, of course it is.
No, I mean, when Cooper does a grand gesture,
it's one thing, but now your parents?
No, babe, we are en fuego.
Okay?
We just need to accept that our fire
is more of a controlled burn.
I guess that sounds good.
Yeah, we're-we're a safe and sensible flame. Right?
We're like, uh, carbon monoxide poisoning.
You can't detect it, but it'll take your breath away.
Definitely. You know, it's like those fake candles
that they have at The Cheesecake Factory.
- Consistent, yet electric. - Yep.
(LISPING): Yeah. You know, I just...
I just want to make sure we're still passionate.
You know?
(LISPING): Sweetie, we are so passionate.
It's all good.
Oh, wait, stop, babe. We forgot to kiss.
(SIGHS)
Well, let's just have a makeup kiss at breakfast.
Okay? Mm. Good night.
Sleep tight, sweetie.
Okay.
I have been married to Claire for four years now,
and I just want to do something big
to remind her how much I love her.
So what's, like, a cool,
over-the-top romantic move I could do?
Do you want the name of my stadium guy?
I can't rent out Dodger Stadium.
Are you not a baseball fan?
Eh...
Yeah, dude, that's the only speed bump in that plan.
- What about a private flight to Fiji? - All right.
Listen, you are at a Bentley,
I'm-a need you at a bus pass, okay?
What is the most affordable grand gesture you've done?
Well, I got my last girlfriend's name tattooed on my body.
Oh, Claire loves tattoos!
Ah, but that might only be when they're on The Rock.
Dwayne is such a sweet guy.
Why don't I text him
to see if he can take Claire on a picnic.
No!
Sorry. No. I...
I don't want that.
But that tattoo idea is perfect, you know.
It-It's sexy, it's permanent, you know.
Plus, Claire would never see it coming
because she knows I'm afraid of needles. (LAUGHS)
- (NEEDLES BUZZING) - Ahh!
Hey, uh, what are we talking on the pain scale here, huh?
It's more of a tickle.
(SCREAMING)
Ooh, tickly.
So, Jake, where'd you like
to get your tattoo today?
Uh, probably a cleaner room, that'd be nice,
uh, maybe somewhere with a little more privacy.
He means where on your body.
Oh.
Well, as Captain Hook says with his treasure maps,
"Flex marks the spot."
Huh?
He wants it on his shoulder.
Jake, are you absolutely sure about this?
Yeah, I am, I'm-I'm sure.
Uh, you know, I'm-I'm crazy about Claire.
I want to do something crazy for her,
something big, something romantic, you know?
Got it.
I can make your junk look like a dragon.
Uh, great brainstorming sesh, buddy, that's-that's nice,
but, um, I was thinking something a little less scary
and a little more, uh, swirly.
You're the boss.
Okay, just raise your finger
if you need me to stop for any reason.
(CHUCKLES) The only finger I'll be raising is my thumb
because hell yeah, dude.
- (NEEDLE BUZZING) - (SCREAMING)
Ha-ha!
It tickles! You were right!
It tickles so bad!
Oh, Jake, guess what,
there was a crossword clue about the IRS.
It was ten letters, started with a "C."
Compulsory.
Where have you been?
Well, I had lunch with Coop-dog,
went and picked up your lightbulbs.
Oh.
Oh, and I, uh, slammed a little body art.
Wait, what?
Oh, you're talking about my "champ stamp"?
Jake, is that a freaking tattoo? Oh, my God, well, let me see it.
Easy, easy. No touching the dancers.
He said I'm not supposed to take the bandages off yet, but, uh,
tat-rats like us don't play by the rules, so...
(MUTTERING)
Ready? Here, ready?
Ah, just peel that...
(MOANS)
Woo. (LAUGHS)
Jake, aw!
You got my name tattooed on your arm.
Yup.
Did it hurt?
I screamed so much they made me put my own socks in my mouth.
Oh, my God, well, this is the most romantic thing ever.
- But... - But what?
Nothing. It's just...
I don't know, this is so sweet, and it just makes me feel bad
'cause I've never done anything big like this for you.
Sea bass, don't you dare.
I may be painted,
but you're the masterpiece around here, okay?
(LAUGHS) Okay. Ah...
You know, I've never hooked up with a tattoo guy before.
Oh, well, all that's about to change because, uh,
as they say in Space Jam,
"Y'all ready for this?"
Well, I'm excited to help, Claire,
but just because Jake did something over the top
doesn't mean you have to as well.
Mm, you have no idea how marriage works, do you?
I just felt so special when I saw his tattoo,
I want to make sure that Jake feels the same way.
Okay, well, I usually start with something they like
and then build from it. So what's Jake into?
Um, well, he is really into
food, sleeping, playing ball...
Oh, my God, I married a Golden Retriever.
You, uh, you mentioned food,
would, uh, would Jake like to cook a meal with Gordon Ramsey?
If you pay extra
he yells at you until you feel like absolute garbage,
it's pretty great.
Uh, well, he's-he's not into gourmet food.
Okay, um, what about a sparring session with Conor McGregor?
If you ask nicely he'll knock you out, it's pretty great.
Are all these people in your phone?
Yeah, these are just the people
I'm playing Words With Friends against right now.
Okay, give me that thing. I need to see your contacts.
Oh, my God, you're friends with The Rock?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God...
No!
No. No, um,
yeah, I don't think Jake would like that.
(CHUCKLES)
Whoa, man, nice ink, bro.
It's killer. I'm a bit of a
squid myself.
Thinking about getting a whole sleeve.
That looks bad.
Yeah, badass.
I heard guys like us can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
No, I'm saying that looks nasty.
I'm a dirty dog, through and through.
Sir, I'm trying to tell you
your tattoo is horribly infected.
So that's not just muscle juice leaking out of it?
(WINCING)
Stop.
Jake, I-I'm not trying to scare you,
but this looks very serious.
That infection is verging on necrosis.
I'm sorry, I just don't see
a world where we're not amputating.
(HIGH-PITCHED): No... put it down! What are you doing?!
Hey, hey! What's going on?
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, my God.
Your face. Your face.
(IMITATING YELPS)
It's for the lime, Jake.
- BONNIE: Oh, my God. - Don't worry, buddy.
We're just gonna give you this antibiotic
and it should clear it up in a week or so.
But I have to ask, Jake, why on Earth would you get a tattoo?
Well, because I thought only new couples
had to do these grand gestures.
But then, you two started doing them.
Well, technically, only Gerald did one.
Oh, I repaid the favor. Nothing's for free, Jake.
(CHUCKLES)
(RETCHES)
All right, I guess I should probably sterilize this,
being... all right,
there we go.
Other arm, other arm, please.
Other arm. All right, very well.
Could you give me a countdown, please?
Oh, I wish I could, but I'm not a pediatrician.
All right, don't be surprised
if the antibiotics make your arm a little sore.
And keep washing that area, or we'll have to, you know...
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Bonnie, Bonnie.
He fell for it again.
Hey, Claire, you home?
Jake. Where have you been?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, I-I...
Got a little infection going on in my tat.
What?
Yeah, my arms are so sore, I can barely move them both.
Man, this is awful timing. Well, I'm not supposed to say,
but Claire's planned an awesome surprise for you.
Really? What is it?
Check your phone.
(GRUNTING): Okay.
"Dr. Dunk," that's me,
"Grab your keys and make a fast break to Henley Park
or you'll be called for a foul."
This is basketball-related?
Yeah. All I can say is that Claire's really excited
to do this grand gesture for you.
Ah, nice. I mean, I can't play basketball,
but I might as well drive down there and thank her.
Grab my keys, man. Let's go. (CHUCKLES)
Ha, ha.
You know what? You know what... You steer, I'll do the pedals.
CLAIRE: Jake!
Oh, I'm so glad you're here. What...
Why are you walking like you've been lassoed?
Can I talk to you for a second over here, please?
Over here...
Yeah? Yeah, uh, listen, um,
I love that you planned this grand gesture for me, but, um...
My champ stamp got infected, and, uh,
I can't play basketball today.
Seriously?
- Yeah. - (SIGHS) That stinks.
Well, you know how you've always wanted to play with NBA players?
Yes.
I kind of got you into a charity tournament with your favorite.
It's Ben Simmons.
(SQUEAKING): What? He's... aww, come on.
What? Is it...? How did you do this?
Uh, Cooper knows him.
Yeah, I didn't even know Ben played basketball.
But if he's as good at this game as he is at Scrabble,
you're gonna be in great shape.
(GROANS)
Hey, Coop.
- Hey, man. - Hey, Claire.
What's up? What's up, Ben Simmons?
OK. So, um, anyway, um, I'm so sorry, Ben,
but I think we're gonna have to take a rain check,
'cause my husband's in pretty serious...
Awe of his amazing wife.
We doing this, man.
We gonna do this.
CLAIRE: Okay, you got this, babe!
All right, guys, let's have some fun.
♪ Lonely bird, broken wings, but I still fly ♪
♪ Ooh, change up, hunger never came up ♪
♪ From Oakland out to Philly, it's the same love ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ They got to call me Mr. T... ♪
It's all good. Just getting used to the speed.
♪ Chasing history, 20 years from now ♪
♪ The generation will still mention me ♪
- Oh... - ♪ We play to win ♪
♪ Making sure I don't say this all again... ♪
I thought you played college ball.
That was a pass, bro.
Well, I, uh, really thought that Jake was gonna be able
to play without his arms, but it turns out,
I didn't know what basketball was.
Hey. I love you, babe. You got this.
All right, Ben, let's huddle up.
Do we have to? Your shoulder smells like really old turkey.
Listen, I got an idea.
We're gonna win this game with some
good old-fashioned fundamentals.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Go with what you know, bro.
(CHEERING)
(SCREAMS)
(SIGHS) Today was so amazing, Claire-Bear.
- Yeah? Oh... - (GRUNTS)
Get your butt in here for a hug.
- Oh... - (SHOUTS)
Do it... Oh!
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Right?
Worked out well. Yeah.
Uh... pleasure doing business with you. Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Ah, I'm gonna have to think of something huge to top this.
Uh, is it crazy that I don't want another grand gesture?
I mean, they're sweet and all, but I kind of prefer
when you just do little things,
like, how you always fill up my car with gas.
Or those cute little notesyou always leave me.
Yeah.
Or like how you always bring an extra spoon
whenever you eat ice cream.
Yeah, exactly.
They're more like bland gestures, but...
- Mm. - They're better.
Because that means that we're thinking
about each other all the time.
Totally. Like, I'm with you right now,
but I still miss you whenever I blink.
Claire, where'd you...
Oh, my God, Claire, I can't...
Claire, where'd you... Oh, there you are.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, my God.
You guys are geniuses.
- We're listening. - Go on.
I kept trying to surprise Vanessa with a big move,
but none of them were having an impact.
So I thought, "What would Jake and Claire do?"
And I filled up her gas tank and she went absolutely nuts for it.
Oh, my God. Well, that's amazing.
Yeah, I know. And I got to say, I'm-I'm really grateful
for you guys letting me stay here.
You're really onto something with this normal life.
(JAKE AND CLAIRE CHUCKLE)
Well, uh, we're happy to have you here, Coops.
And, uh, take it from us:
sometimes $40 of gas is all it takes.
$40? I'm gonna need the number of your jet fuel guy.
Oh. Oh, you filled up her plane?
Yeah. Different situation.
Yeah, she said fueling up her private jet
was the most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for her.
Thanks. $40, ha...
- Oh. - Ah.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Cooper's phone.
Uh... (CLATTERING)
Oh... oh, my God. It's The Rock.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
- Yeah! Look. - Can I see that?
- Ooh, wow. - (SHOUTS, GROANS)