sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[dramatic music]
[helicopter blades whirring]
- Agent 587 on site. - Copy that, Corporal Lopez.
You are a go to initiate audit of black site Metaphora.
[bird chirping]
[eerie music] [skittering]
- [Sergeant Agony slurping] - Are you eating?
- No. - Because this is kind of serious.
And that's why I'm not eating. [dramatic music]
[keypad beeping]
Doesn't look like anyone's home.
Your delta-level clearance should get you through the front door. Proceed.
[chomps]
[keypad warbling] [gate creaking]
[dramatic note plays]
Oh. [skittering]
Wait. Are you eating now?
Corporal Lopez: It's after me. Aah!
[dramatic music] Send help!
[gunshots]
Sergeant Agony: Lopez, come in, come in! Come in. Lopez!
A lot of screaming for an audit. Too much, frankly.
[theme music playing]
3x12 - Jungle All the Way
[Cooch yawning]
Cooch: Got to make the quesadillas.
[flames roar] Ah, shit!
Who yanked the damn pizza stones out of the oven?
When I see a stone in an oven cooked to perfection, I'm going to eat it.
Not trying to be difficult, but I know myself.
"Established superheroes available for your crime-fighting needs.
Rates negotiable. [keys clacking]
Also giving away an Ilega Fluganarg bookcase.
Must be able to pick up. No dick pics."
Did you have to mention the dick pics?
You really don't get Craigslist, do you?
Oh, damn it!
- Something wrong, Saturn? - I've been reading
this kick-ass self-help book to get over The Groaner.
"It's Not You, It's Them: Getting Your Ex Back and Keeping Them
in Your Life Forever." Sounds... unhealthy.
Oh, it's sick all right! But I'm stuck on chapter three,
"Dunk on Their Face By Getting a Promotion at Work." I'm a superhero!
There aren't any promotions, not until Rex leaves me the team, of course.
You think Rex is leaving you the team? [laughs nervously]
Guys, is anyone else hearing this?
What's so funny?
I'm just saying, Rex has a daughter now.
You think he's leaving the team to Lex?
Of course. I mean, because blood is thicker than water,
not because you're a toxic narcissist.
[dramatic music] We'll see about that.
Rex, I hope you've got your smelling salts handy,
- because this is going to knock you out! - Okay, come on.
I know you and Lex think you can get the word out
by electronic sandwich board, but...
Craigslist? Who put Lex in charge?
Let's not do that again, right?
But nothing gets the peepers popping like a tattoo on Ma Bell's backside.
You took out an ad in the yellow pages?
I backed the wrong horse. Forget I said anything.
I got eight full-page ads for $11.99!
You were probably their first call in months.
The saleswoman did break down in tears of joy when I placed the order.
And now we have a 50-pound book to get rid of.
- Liplor, can you eat this? - I guess I could try.
[helicopter blades whirring]
[heroic music]
[dramatic music] In my duties as accountant general,
I monitor the finances of the United States government.
Last year, I uncovered a black site on a remote island
off the coast of South America, suckin' up budget like a black hole.
I sent my best agent in to run an audit. 24 hours ago, I lost contact.
I'm leading the team into the South American jungle to get her back.
I need your help.
I thought Dr. Devizo and his hoodlums were your league of choice.
This mission is off the books. I need a team that's expendable.
Uh... I mean, can't be tracked back to me!
I mean, I just like you guys better. That's all.
[to himself] Should've rehearsed this on the ride over.
- Who are the desk jockeys? - Meet Corporal Fox and Corporal Render,
the finest damn tactical accountants you'll ever meet.
No one I know earned their stars and bars by crunching enemy numbers.
I served in Nam, Saigon Audit of '75.
Try inventorying a palette of mimeographs as they're
airlifted out of Saigon under heavy bombardment.
So while we were losing the first war in U.S. history,
- you were counting beans! - Did you call me a bean counter?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up now.
- Watch the language, everybody. - Okay. I've heard enough.
We'd love to help, but we're awfully busy.
Oh, really? We've been monitoring
your little operation, Rex. We saw the damn Craigslist ad!
It's working. Great!
No dick pics? You ever use Craigslist, girl?
You're throwing out a hook with no bait!
Hell, is that the bookshelf? I like it.
- Can you get it out of here today? - My cousin might be able
to borrow a truck and get it out of here this weekend.
- Yeah, no deal. - It's a pass, Agony.
If you haven't noticed, we're living
in an abandoned pizza restaurant because of you.
We're not in the mood to do you any favors.
Then don't do it for me.
Do it for the military-grade accountant who's out there lost and alone.
Last time I saw you, you said all you wanted to do was help.
[dramatic music] Well, this is me asking for help.
What do those faces mean? Do they mean what I think they mean?
All right. Fine. Let's do it.
Hell yes! [hands smack together]
Move out, let's go! [military music]
Hold up, Liplor. How much do you weigh?
- 36 quasarts. - How many pounds is a quasart?
Thousands, many thousands.
These birds have to be able to get up in the air.
You gonna have to sit this one out.
Thank God. I have tickets to the opera.
I have to buy five seats to fit my girth, so... woo!
- [laughs] It was pretty pricey. - Yes! We got a hit on the bookshelf.
Liplor, can you hang out until they show up?
Oh, I, uh...
They're like 10 minutes away, and he's got his own truck.
As long as I'm out of here by 6:30.
I can't hear you. Stay here. Thanks!
[receives text message]
Oh, so, that's a dick pic. Truly unpleasant.
It looks like Agony found a team for his mission.
[dramatic music] Are you sure you don't want help?
- You said you knew that island well. - Oh I do, Optimal Rex.
And some skeletons are better left in their closet.
[rock music]
- Do you have to play the music so loud? - Yes I do, sir.
The radios in these puppies, they don't even have knobs
Why would anyone build a facility this far off the mainland?
That's what we gonna find out, Rex!
We're going into the jungle.
- It's a special kind of hell. - I read all about "Vietnam."
Sounded like you boys were too busy playing rock music
and growing your hair to win the war.
Well, that's not me, Buster. I'm not taking a loss
because Mommy forgot to pack my mosquito repellent.
- You look worried. - If I'm in the jungle for too long, I'll go feral.
My spirit guide is the panther. If you lose your way, I will guide you.
[sarcastically] Wow. Thanks, dude. Uh, can we change seats?
I know what you're doing.
Girls get gas, too, and it's not like I can...
Yuck, yuck, yuck, no!
I know you're trying to take this team from me.
- Did I miss something? - No, but you will.
You're gonna wake up one morning and I'll be leading the League.
I'm twice the leader you'll ever... Oh, wow! You do have gas.
I'm sorry. [coughing]
What the hell are you doing?
Airing this place out. That's right, I made a command decision.
Incoming!
[explosion] [dramatic music]
We've been hit!
We're going down! Lex, help me!
Not too hard, or we'll tear it apart!
- Look, Rex! I'm helping, too! - Brace for impact!
[screaming]
[ground rumbling]
Out of my way! She's gonna blow!
- Every man for himself! [sobs] - Is he gon' be okay?
You'll learn to stop asking.
- Good job, Lex. - Thanks, Dad.
I don't know. She could've done better.
We move out in 10! Let's go, people!
We're not going anywhere.
You hear that, idiots? Take five!
- What's the problem? - You didn't say anything about
fireballs screaming out of the sky and endangering my team.
I forgot to tell you the black-ops mission to an island
that ate one of my men was dangerous? My bad.
[groans]
Robobot, can you fix this thing?
No, I think we should let Cooch do it... I'm on it.
Lex, you stay here and help Robobot.
Uh, I think I'd better stay behind, too.
Maybe do whatever you want Lex to do, but, you know, like a lot better.
- Ranger, Cooch, you're with me. - Fantastic.
It'll give me a chance to show these boys that
a little jungle isn't a valid excuse for losing a war.
You want to change first?
My uniform is a space-age, polyester-eagle-down blend.
I think I'll be quite all right, thank you.
All right. Gear up, team. Let's get this over with.
I guess no one cares how I'll be filling my time, huh?
I'm a person, too! Just sayin'!
Come on. Where is this guy?
[cellphone ringing] Ah, hello?
What? Oh it's your cousin that has the pickup truck now?
Not off for an hour?!
Uh... no, no, no. I guess that's all right.
No, no, I will definitely be here.
[cellphone beeps]
Ughh.
[dramatic music] [flies buzzing]
I'm sorry. What's so hard about this again? Is it the bugs?
Oh, quick! Better dust off. I think this one's a beetle...
[choking] It's in my mouth! One flew in my mouth!
You all right, Cooch?
For now, but I could go feral any second.
Hold off as long as you can. Hopefully we won't be here that long.
Hold it. Lopez disappeared two clicks from here.
If we take this second path, we could surprise whatever took her.
Don't you mean whoever?
This is dense, un-passable wilderness, not a path!
Not yet. [ominous music note]
[mutters]
Give the control rod a try.
- Who are you talking to? - Uh, you?
Weird that you didn't use my name, but okay.
I'm sure it's not because you never bothered to learn it.
What do you want to hear, dude?
That's what I thought.
- Control rod, please! - Whatever. [engine sputtering]
We should fan out and secure a perimeter.
[imitates buzzer] Mutiny, mutiny! [laughs]
No but seriously, I won't be following your orders.
- Saturn, Rex... - Should've told you I was in charge?
Agreed completely. We need fire.
I need you to go gather some pine cones. Where did you go?
Lex? Lex?!
[dramatic music] [flames roaring]
Nope, nope, nope. No, you were supposed to pick it up today.
How do I know your cousin has a truck?
Okay, but please hurry. It's getting late.
[cellphone beeps] [groans]
I wonder if Mr. Dick Pic has a truck.
This is ridiculous! How do you see an enemy coming with all these bullshit vines?!
- You don't. - Death is all around you.
Well, I don't like this at all. This is no way to fight a war,
never knowing who's in front of you, behind you.
And if one more of these motherfuckers flies in my mouth!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Cool out, brother.
I can't! I've been in the jungle for three hours,
and I might lose my pinkie toes to pruning!
Maybe you just need a little jungle medicine.
Brownies? A taste of home.
[flies buzzing] [Cooch screeching]
Is she gonna be all right?
Not unless we wrap this up soon. Are we close?
I'd say so. This is Lopez's graphic calculator.
Oh, nope, sorry. That's mine.
Must've fallen out of the holster.
[cellphone clatters] God damn it, man!
Keep track of your shit! Look like a real asshole.
- I don't know where the hell we are. - Oh, delicious!
I could've done a tour in 'Nam if the MRE's were this good.
A little ashy at the end there.
- Yep. That's the marijuana. - Excuse me?
Highly concentrated, military-grade Mary Jane.
Should've told you to just eat half, but
[chuckling] hell, nobody ever listens to that anyway.
You son of a bitch! I've tried your devil's weed, and it did not go well.
Hey, relax. You didn't have your brothers in arms with you last time.
As long as I'm here, nothing bad can...
[vine whips] [screams]
- Render! [vine whips] - Oh, shit! Fox!
[skittering]
Nope. Uh-uh.
[gunfire] [screaming]
Aah!
[screaming]
[groaning]
Was that necessary?
Hell no! I couldn't figure out how to shut the damn thing off!
Why do you think I was screaming?
[growling]
[claws swiping]
Cooch?
[roaring]
Looks like your girl picked up a scent. Let's move!
And leave the guns. Clearly, I should not be touching these things.
[bolt tightens] All right. Fire it up.
Just so you know, another way to get my attention would be
to say my name, unless you thought my name was All Right!
Just turn the key, dude.
It's Nate Metzler, by the way!
Great... What are you doing?
[gasoline splatters] I'm starting this fire so we don't freeze to death.
It's 110 degrees... in the shade.
Temperature could drop at any moment.
A true leader is prepared for everything.
[flames roaring] Oh, not my legs!
Should have learned this, but you're also going to blow up the helicopter, dipshit!
[suspenseful music] [helicopter rumbling]
[groaning]
- Thank God you're here, Lex. - What?! Bullshit!
If she'd been here with my pine cones, none of this would've happened!
There aren't pine trees on tropical islands.
Really? Did you look?
If you wanted a fire, you could've just asked. [ominous music]
Nate with an E.
We are in the middle of something here!
This is it. This is where Lopez went missing.
Ranger, what's taking so long?
[voice breaking] While we're asking questions, what is time? Can you see it?
Can you taste it? No. But as it moves, it moves us.
Oh, for fuck sake.
- Cooch: Rex? Is that you? - Cooch!
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi.
- What happened? Did you see it? - Nah, man. I got hit before I saw a thing.
I can usually, at least, smell someone coming...
their buttholes, I mean. That's what I smell, people's buttholes.
Got it Cooch. What is this place?
- Oh, Agony, is that you? - Render, are you injured?
[screams] A little warning, man!
Wait. No blood. That's a cybernetic arm.
What did this thing want with your hand?
It needed my embedded credentials to open the door.
Wait a second. Why does your arm look like an arm?
They can make these things look real now?
- Yep, for years. I have feeling in it, too. - And I've just been
walking around with these forklift tongs stuck to my shoulders?!
You imagine trying to sleep on these things?!
Son of a bitch!
[high pitched] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What's the deal?
Something lured us here to open that door.
- There's something you're not telling me! - Okay, okay!
This isn't an island... it's a prison. [eerie music]
That's also an island. You know what I mean.
Many countries don't have the resources to house their supervillains,
so for decades, they sent them here, hundreds of 'em.
When I learned the U.S. government had set up shop here, I had to know why.
Hundreds of supervillains? But the place is deserted.
And we're gonna find out why. [American Ranger chomping]
[distorted screams and chomps]
Guys, I found some Wheat Thins under a desk.
You ever notice how they scream every time you bite into them?
You brought the goddamn brownies, didn't you?!
Which one of you is in charge?
I've been lit on fire once today, so, uh, Lex, he's talking to you.
What do you want?
- I want this helicopter and that pilot to take... - The name's Nate Metzler!
...to take me off this island for good, unless anyone else flies.
That guy seems up his own ass.
Those flames... you're the asshole that shot us out of the sky!
Okay, relax. That was a distress signal.
My control was diminished by the procedure.
- Procedure? - Sorry, the name's Flame Scar.
Famous Brazilian supervillain...
at least, I was, until I was imprisoned with 300 other degenerates.
There was no law. Food was scarce. But we survived...
until they showed up.
Do they have a name, like me, Nate Metzler?
What is with this guy? [clears throat]
They were a shadowy government organization.
They rounded all of us up, did experiments on our powers.
We started disappearing, until one of us made them stop.
Who?
What's your status, Fox?
I'm down a cybernetic ear. Be very careful, and keep your voice down.
Render, get this guy back to the chopper!
Something's using your team's biometrics to open these doors.
[eerie music]
This place has a very, very bad vibe, man.
What are you nerds reading?
Dr. Kleptor. Oh, I haven't heard that name in a long time.
He was a crackpot who claimed he could remove superpowers from villains,
but he got shut down after Magmalon died on his table. Bastard.
Looks like he's back in business.
Power retardant. They must've used this to weaken the patients.
This whole room is set up to harvest powers.
- What for? - From what it looks like... that.
[warbling]
- Open it. - It's locked with an omega-level holo key. Now I...
Good thing I have a key of my own.
[banging noise] Oh, son of a bitch!
- You okay, dude? - Yeah, I'm fine.
'Cause that looked like it hurt.
- Nope. - As I was saying,
before this turned into a dick-measuring contest,
I have omega-level clearance.
You've had a cybernetic eye this whole time?
- Yep. - And the eye patch is because?
It freaks people out.
[laser warbling] [scanner beeps]
Female Voice: Welcome, new user.
Affix gauntlets to fist for authentication.
Note: powers in beta have not yet calibrated.
[gauntlets beeping] Please use caution.
- Oh, my God. Is that... - A gizmo that stores superpowers
harvested from hundreds of villains? Yes, it is.
Maybe one of them wanted theirs back.
But once this place went into lockdown, the gauntlets would be secure,
unless some chump with omega-level clearance marched in here and... Oh, shit!
[eerie music] Close it up. Cooch, Ranger, guard that door.
[growling]
Agony, hurry!
[dramatic music] [laser warbling]
[claws scratching]
[grunting]
[punching and grunting]
- No, no, no, no! Oh, shit! Oh, no. - Hug time! Aah!
[electricity crackles] That ain't right.
[laser warbling] [cybernetic eyeball clanks]
Female Voice: Welcome, new user. Would you like to enter a name?
I know who that is.
Female Voice: Registration delayed.
- Shock and awe. - Female Voice: Shock and awe.
[gauntlets warbling]
Feet of feather.
Female Voice: Feet of feather.
[gauntlets warbling] [whooshing]
I know who that is.
She wasn't like the rest of us. [dramatic music]
She was soft when she came here but she was not soft for long.
[energy powering up]
When they came to take her, she was ready.
[powering up intensifies]
They did not gain her powers. They lost their lives.
[powering up intensifies]
I was freed in the chaos, but I am not safe from her violence.
We must leave together, or we die alone.
[powering up intensifies]
Sounds like this guy's cool, Lex, I'll tag back in.
Let me be the first to welcome you to our little commune.
- I am the leader... - Watch out! [flames]
Huh? Oh, no, no, son of a bitch! Not again! Whoa!
[warbling] What?
- Fly. - Can I get a please?
- [spine crunch] Oh! - Now.
[dramatic music] [helicopter blades whirring]
Aah! No!
Female Voice: Would you like to set username now?
- Yes. - I know who that is.
Female voice: Say name when ready.
[gas hissing, helmet releasing]
Debbie Devizo.
[dramatic music]
Nate: Nate Metzler, my name, by the way.
[theme music]
[brakes squeak] Hey, my cousin flaked. His bad.
But I brought my Firebird.
Do you think it'll fit in here?
[hip-hop music plays from car]
[grunting] It fits.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~