ADULT TIMMY: Ah, Christmas 1972.
It was a simpler time when everyone,
even aspiring left coast showbiz elites like me,
had no choice but to say...
Merry Christmas!
MIKE: Have at it, fellas.
Careful with the wrapping!
Smooth it out for the "next year" pile.
But most of all, Christmas let us forget our differences
and focus on what really mattered... stuff.
Yes! The Adidas I wanted!
Wait.
- These are Adoodas. - Look who suddenly cares about spelling.
- Socks. - Pass that around.
That pack's for everybody.
This will cover my whole leg!
You think I've time to sort laundry by different sizes?
Roll it down or grow nine inches.
This is just my old Lone Ranger covered in tinfoil.
Which makes him Space Ranger. On Space Trigger.
Each kid generally got one decent store-brought item.
And then a wildcard gift based on Mom's whim
and her current supply of glitter and pipe-cleaners.
Yay. So stoked to add this
to my growing collection of God's eyes.
Don't be ingrates.
These gifts are practical and/or from the heart.
Thanks, Frank.
Enjoy an extra pair of socks.
[Chuckles] Score.
You guys never want to be disappointed again?
Stop buying into the emptiness of materialism.
- These are just things. - Crappy things.
They just had an earthquake in Nicaragua, man.
If you consider their suffering,
I'll bet those sneakers you're complaining about
- will seem awfully small. - They are small.
Dad bought the wrong size Adoodas.
What size are they?
- "Extra medium." - All right.
Santa left one more gift in the garage.
Follow me.
TIMMY: A saw?
I guess this one's for Baby Andy.
It's all yours, Mr. Cleary.
I can finally fix the railing on the porch
and the rest of the porch
and the house.
Maybe I can use it to cut my socks down to the right size.
[Both chuckle]
At least Uncle Tom's still coming by today.
Oh, yeah! His gifts always kick Santa's
right in his big, red sack.
Because of my slick new saw,
there's no room in the garage
for whatever slick new car
your brother's driving this year.
Oh, honey. Stop trying to turn everything
into some competition with Tom.
Because you can't win.
He's got more money, which makes him better.
If I was single with no kids,
I'd be swimming in bachelor dough, too,
except I wouldn't be flaunting it around
- like some downtown fancy-man. - Mm.
Ooh, but I got him this time.
Thanks to Becky.
- Did you name your saw Becky? - Don't be jealous, Peg.
[Whispering] I'd hate to have to choose between you two.
♪
- Merry Christmas! - Hey,
I thought you were gonna be at your grandma's?
On my way, but I wanted to drop off your gift.
My gift.
That's right. We're giving those
because of being boyfriend and girlfriend.
That was my thinking on the matter.
And I've got your present ready, too.
[Chuckling] Except I put it...
I don't know why I did this...
it's up on our roof.
And then we loaned our ladder to one of our neighbors
so they could decorate it for Christmas
because they're poor and can't afford a tree.
Wow. What a surprising sequence of events.
I know.
And when will they be taking down their Christmas ladder?
Traditionally, it's two or three days.
Well, I will be in Riverside 'til Wednesday,
so that should give you plenty of time
- to get your ladder back. - And fetch your present,
which is right above our heads.
Grr, that's so frustrating.
Okay, see ya.
[Door opens, closes]
[Exhales sharply]
Where's the shirt we got for Tom?
Right here. I even stitched a penguin on the pocket
and put it in a May Company box
so it looks like the real deal.
I'll give him the fake shirt in the fake box,
and then clobber him with my saw.
He won't know what hit him.
Because he won't know he's in a fight
that's all in your head.
Sure, Tom earns in the high five-figures,
but it's not like he rubs your face in it.
[Vehicle approaches]
Is that a Nicaragua earthquake?
That's Uncle Tom's new car!
Oh! Pat. Move, Pat!
[Horn honks]
[Engine turns off]
The man drove here in a house.
Yep. No face-rubbin' at all.
Merry Christmas, Cleary Clan!
- Hey. - Aww.
Heck of a sleigh, Tommy.
Right? Good to see you.
He couldn't have parked in the garage anyway
because his awesome Winnebago's way too big.
Maybe he should have just parked it in your mouth.
How are things at the phone company?
Dandy as candy.
I'm now in charge of pay phones
for the greater GTE service area.
- Pay phones? - Yeah.
Holy moley... talk about job security.
Yeah, it's big-time.
Personally, I think it's a shame
- people don't write letters anymore. - [Scoffs]
This RV's got a bathroom, right?
Yeah! Knock yourself out.
Oh, but first, help me unload my two adorable elves.
- Hello, sweeties! - [Cheering]
Aunt Marge.
Aww. There's Uncle Walter.
What a surprise.
[Whispering] Now I smell a campfire.
I better go set out some ashtrays.
How was your drive up?
Can't imagine this whale handles too well.
Yeah, we're breaking this baby in.
From here, we're headed to the Circus Circus Hotel
in Las Vegas.
I hear that they train elephants to deal blackjack
and every room has a clown maid.
At least that's how I'd do it.
- [Toilet flushes] - Man, oh man, this bathroom's nicer
than the one we have in our house!
Whoo-hoo, I'm next! [Laughs]
Whoa. It has a stove, too?!
Of course. What would be the point
of a car without a stove? [Chuckles]
All right. Let's everybody head into the real house
for a proper Christmas celebration.
We knew what that meant...
Dad was about to use us as pawns
in his one-sided competition with Tom.
- Let's get started. - Oh, boy.
Timmy, do the joke you told at Thanksgiving.
You said it was stupid.
Stupid not to share it. [Chuckles]
You know the one about the baby that was so ugly
he looked like a monkey,
and the guy on the train offered him a banana.
You kind of gave the whole thing away.
Fine. Get your stupid magic kit.
- Yes! - Frank, you're up!
This was Dad's way of using us kids
to shove his manhood in Tom's childless face.
He made us perform like the von Trapp family.
Only we couldn't escape by climbing up over the Alps.
Banana. [Chuckles]
This one is for Citizenship in the Community.
Uh, this one is for Citizenship in the Nation.
This one is for Citizenship in the World...
Skip to the, uh, prestige badges,
- like bugling. - Oh, I never got that one.
I've been self-diagnosed with medically weak lips.
[Plays "Greensleeves" off-key]
♪
And now to make the egg reappear,
wave this wand over the bag, Uncle Walter.
Give it a good grip.
He has crippling arthritis, sweetie.
I had to tape that cigarette to his fingers.
- Oh. - Ooh.
- Mnh-mnh. - Ta-da?
Pat, show him your hernia scar.
- Yay! - Look at that.
Cost me 600 bucks to get the kid's insides rearranged properly.
Okay, Pat, put your insides away.
- It's gift time. - [Chuckles]
Tommy, we got you this.
- Aww. - Yeah.
From the May Company.
See the box?
This is a really nice golf shirt!
Thank you.
We saw that while shopping at the May Company.
Thought of you.
[Whispering] Grab that box for the "next year" pile,
but be careful. The corners are starting to go.
All right. I got a few gifts for you, too.
- Joey. - Oh!
- Frank. - Whoo!
- Timmy. - Oh, boy.
- Eddie. Lawrence. - This is it.
- William. - Yabba-dabba-doo.
Pat.
Pajamas?
Pajamas aren't a gift. Pajamas are something you have.
I was really hoping it would be something good
I could pass along to Wendi.
You boys be sure to thank your Uncle Tom
for his generosity. [Chuckles]
[Quietly] What a crap present.
Before we go, I have presents for each of you boys.
Now I didn't have time to go shopping.
We actually prefer it when someone doesn't have time to shop.
Honestly, they don't deserve anything. You're spoiling them.
Please don't be Washington. Please don't be Washington.
Lincoln! Him I can work with.
But my bill didn't have Honest Abe.
Staring back at me was the man responsible for bifocals,
the lightning rod, and my best Christmas in years...
Benjamin Franklin.
Was it a mistake? It had to be.
I needed to confide in someone, but whom?
Frank was a total narc.
Joey would literally murder me in my sleep, then steal it.
Lawrence would go all Charlie Church
and guilt me into giving it back
or donating it or something moronic.
So that left Eddie.
And finally, I have one more little Christmas surprise.
Follow me! [Chuckles]
♪
- Oh, whoa! - Whoa!
And there it was,
a big lump of coal in my dad's stocking.
23 inches of full color with a built-in hi-fi stereo!
Ho ho ho!
This was the worst Christmas morning of my father's life.
And that includes the one where he walked into the kitchen
and pushed himself up against Lawrence thinking it was Mom.
Come on. Don't feel bad, honey.
I told you he's just better.
- A new TV! - Thank you, baby Jesus!
It's actually my old one. I upgraded,
but it gets all the new shows.
Well, it's certainly an improvement over our old clunker.
- [Laughs] - Tom, so generous.
Too generous. We can't accept.
- ALL: What?! - Yeah, I'm with Dad on this one.
Thank you, Lawrence.
With the current decline in literacy,
do you really think we need a TV at all?
Okay, you've lost all credibility.
This giant picture tube's a wattage hog.
It will strain the wiring and burn down the house.
PAT: As long as we save the TV!
We can't accept for safety reasons.
Mike, honey, a word? In private?
Hey, you guys go ahead. Yeah.
I'll show the kids the soft serve machine.
ALL: Soft serve?!
I live here now!
EDDIE: If you got to go, use the RV.
You can flush in there without a bucket of water.
- What are you doing? - Creating a cone of silence.
Look at what Aunt Marge gave to me by accident.
- Whoa. - Yeah, I know.
I feel terrible.
- I need advice. - I'm flattered you came to me.
Well, you're not greedy or evil or snitch-y or godly.
You have no distinct personality whatsoever,
which makes your opinion more objective.
Thank you. Let me think about this.
But first, turn around.
I'm holding in a lot of Shasta here.
Are we some charity case?
Are we on welfare like the Mulroys at church
that we're not supposed to know about but everybody knows?
Look, Tom's just trying to do something nice,
and you get all huffy about it.
If I want my children to have a giant TV,
- I'll buy one for them. - No, you won't.
No, I won't because I don't want them to, all right?
They watch enough of that idiot box as it is.
You watch just as much, if not more.
The damage to my brain is done.
There's still hope for some of them.
Mike, Peg, hey, if it's a problemo,
I can just donate the TV.
I mean, God knows I can use the tax deductions.
[Quietly] Tax deductions, like he's Thurston Howell III.
One thing... can I keep it here for a few days?
It just seems silly hauling it across the Mojave
when the RV already has a terrific TV.
I guess we can store it as a favor to you.
- Thanks, Mike. - Lawrence, Frank,
unload the TV.
- Oh! - Yes!
It's not staying. We're just storing it
in the garage 'til Wednesday.
We could store it indefinitely up in the tree house.
Really tie the space together.
Eat your soft serve.
Off the top of my head, you could lend the money to me.
Oh, yeah. That's your advice?
- Give it to you? - Okay, how about this?
It's Christmas, maybe give it to the Church.
The Church? I could've gotten that from Lawrence.
I just think it's a little hinky
to keep money you got by mistake.
If it weren't for this Wendi situation,
I would happily donate my own $5 from Aunt Marge
to those poor Nigerians.
- Nicaraguans. - I'm sure they both need it.
Or you could just give the money back to Aunt Marge
and your conscience will be clear.
Eddie had a point.
Giving the hundred back to Aunt Marge
was really the right thing to do.
Unfortunately, "the right thing to do"
was currently chain-smoking in an RV headed for Vegas.
So, the next day, I decided to do the next best thing...
give it to those who needed it most.
See you later, Ben.
Have fun in Nicaragua.
I started to leave, but Ben looked so vulnerable there.
So easily stolen.
What if he fell into the wrong hands?
At least in my hands,
I would know the money went to good use.
I decided to seek guidance direct from the home office.
Baby Jesus, if you really want me to leave the money, just...
...make my hand open up and drop it into the basket.
Ouch! Ouch!
Ouch. Hey, scram. Ouch, stop.
No sign here as far as I can tell.
Message received, Baby Jesus.
Oh...
and happy birthday.
♪
That small issue settled, I was able to relax
and enjoy our annual viewing of "White Christmas"...
except on our TV it was more like "Fuzzy Green Christmas."
BOB: Certainly too bad General Waverly
- couldn't have been here... - This is a great movie...
it's got Christmas, it's got war.
They throw in John Wayne on a horse...
win the Oscar every year.
LAWRENCE: Can you turn it up, please?
- I can barely hear it. - If we turn it up,
it makes that high-pitched sound that makes Pat vomit.
MIKE: The only high-pitched sound I hear is whining.
[Sighs] I got to use the john.
ADULT TIMMY: And so began our exodus from bondage.
I'm gonna re-marshmallow my cocoa.
- I'm gonna stretch my legs. - Yeah.
I'll go stretch his legs, too.
After a point, we didn't even bother coming up with excuses.
♪
[Door closes]
♪
ED: Thank you. Thank you.
How dare you?
If it wasn't me, I'd ask who raised you
'cause they did a terrible job.
Disobeying your dad and abandoning
a sacred family tradition just so you can...
Geez Louise, look how red those poinsettias are!
Oh. Bing doesn't look seasick.
And no high-pitched squeal either.
Scoot.
[Music plays from television]
Peg?
Boys?
♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪
♪ Santa's got to make it to town ♪
♪ Santa, make him hurry ♪
♪ Tell him he can take the freeway down ♪
♪ Run, run, Rudolph, 'cause I'm reelin'... ♪
I do not believe you kids.
You knew that TV was off-limits!
Despite its hi-fi stereo sound and superior picture quality.
[Record scratches, music stops]
Well, I hope you're happy.
You ruined Christmas.
♪
I guess we've come up with a new holiday tradition
called "breaking Jesus' heart."
- But, Mommy, you were just... - I was just what?
- I love you. - That's what I thought.
Don't let me kill the Christmas fun.
I'm not the Grinch, or the Scrooge,
or the Goldsteins who don't put up a tree.
JOEY: Well, that's great, Pop.
'Cause this shindig just started cookin'!
- [Music resumes] - Yeah!
MIKE: I just came out to enjoy
my new gift.
Let's fire her up!
- Mike, do you... - [Click, saw buzzing]
You really think now's the right time to play with Becky?
It's Christmas!
Let it snow!
- ♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪ - This is the best Christmas ever!
- [Music stops] - Ho ho ho ho.
[Buzzing stops]
I think they got the message.
The hard part of coming into real money
is holding onto it, especially in my house
where stuff had a way of disappearing, Joey.
I needed a good hiding place where no one ever looked...
the family Bible.
Don't touch that!
- It's mine. - Oh, my God.
Aunt Marge accidentally gave you a hundred, too!
All right, fine.
But you told me to donate mine to the Church.
It's a good deed... the right thing to do.
- But you kept yours. - My good deed was convincing you.
I figured it counted for both of us.
How is that fair?
You don't have a girlfriend who needs a present.
No, but I have a ventriloquist dummy
and he likes nice things, as well!
Timmy,
I'm very disappointed in myself,
but I thought I could count on you.
I've got to say, you've let me down.
I'm disappointed in you, too!
DARRIN: You've been sticking at magic nose of yours
- where it doesn't belong again. - Is this old Darrin
or new Darrin?
Who can tell in this teeny picture tube?
Which is plenty big enough for us.
...which we now laughingly call our anniversary.
You and Darrin have a lot in common.
You're both proud men of principle.
Not a sniveling worm like Larry Tate.
Tate. [Chuckles] That guy.
If it weren't for Darrin's strong stand on witchcraft,
just think of the amazing things Samantha could do...
conjure up a new Kenmore dishwasher
or end all wars.
Oh, no point in her getting mixed up in wars.
Russia and China would just use their witches...
and you know they've got 'em.
I'm with Darrin.
The family should only have what he can provide.
Who cares if Tabitha and little Adam do without?
I'm sure Darrin cares...
The important thing is Darrin's self-respect.
And winning that Meaty-Mutt dog food account.
You know, I think Endora turning him into a Great Dane
is gonna end up being a big help on that.
♪
ADULT TIMMY: I took the money and made my purchase.
A Christmas present for me.
Something every red-blooded, American boy dreams of...
tap shoes.
♪
Regular dancing... pfft. That's for pikers.
Now I could dance for blind people!
Here it is. Safe and sound.
Right where I left it. Up on the roof.
Yes, ma'am. Oh, look,
they left one of their ornaments.
You mean the people who borrowed your ladder
to use as a Christmas tree?
Yeah, them.
Here you go.
Merry Christmas. Ooh, the May Company.
Your mom let you use the box.
Oh, my God, Eddie.
- I love suede! - Me too.
It always looks so good on cows.
And it really is from the May Company!
[Horn honks]
Hey, Uncle Tom. How was Las Vegas?
Ah, the oldsters had a blast.
Buffets then craps, buffets then craps.
And then in between, a little gambling!
[Laughter]
These two were so sweet together.
They even talked about renewing their vows.
Then I reminded them they are brother and sister.
Okay, let's get that, uh, present packed up
and we'll get out of here. Unless you changed your mind.
I'll be glad to finally get that thing out of my garage.
Frank, Lawrence,
the saw goes with your uncle.
We're keeping the TV.
- Yes! - Yes!
[Cheers] The saw?
Peg and I somehow blanked and forgot to give you
your other gift.
Are you sure?
That saw is an expensive item for you guys.
Not as expensive as the new, much better saw
we're getting Mike.
That's more of a beginner's model,
you know, for people who aren't skilled with tools
like my husband.
ADULT TIMMY: To my dad, hearing Mom
slightly malign her brother's masculinity
was the greatest Christmas present of all.
You know what, Peg? Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, sure.
[Chuckles] This is a little awkward,
but I've been keeping track of Marge's money for Las Vegas,
you know, because, well, she gets a little confused.
I think she might have given two of your boys
$100 bills when she was handing out those $5s.
100 bucks?
Aw, for her that's like four days of cigarette money.
But I'm sure your boys would have said something.
[Scoffs] I keep forgetting you don't have children.
Hey! Which two of you hooligans accepted $100
from my sweet, unsuspecting aunt?
- What? I got a $5. - I got a $5, too.
That's a nice suede jacket, Wendi.
- Eddie got it for me. - That's one.
What are you doing way over there, Timmy?
All by yourself
like a gazelle separated from the pack.
Just hanging out.
Come closer.
[Tapping]
And that's two.
Aunt Marge, Timmy and Eddie have something to tell you,
if they know what's good for them.
You gave us each $100 by mistake.
That's no mistake. It's part of my Las Vegas system.
I always bet on red,
so I gave my two redheads $100 each for luck.
Whoa! Thanks, Great Aunt Marge!
I didn't know it, but I love you!
Oh!
Were you lucky in Vegas?
Front-row center seats
and a kiss from Mr. José Feliciano.
[Whispering] Yeah, it was not José Feliciano.
No.
Can't have enough ashtrays under those two chimneys.
Thanks, Pegster.
And thanks again for the saw, Mike.
Hopefully I won't have to stop abruptly on the freeway
- or it'll be a bloodbath. - [Laughs]
See you guys.
[Engine starts]
I know it's silly pride, Peg,
but giving ol' Becky to Tom
was the only way I could come around
to accepting his generosity.
I'm more than happy to trade Becky for Mitch.
- Mitch? - It's what I named the TV.
And I think you had the wrong takeaway
- from that "Bewitched" story. - Hm?
Darrin's kind of a clown for not swallowing his pride
once in a while and letting their kids
have a few nice things.
Either way, I'm grateful for these network TV shows.
They have so much to teach us about how to be a family.
♪
It ended up being a bountiful Christmas
- for everyone after all. - Enough with the ridiculous shoes.
You're scuffing up the floor.
I got to keep my tap shoes,
Wendi got to keep her jacket, which meant
Eddie got to keep Wendi. And, best of all,
Mom got a fresh, new May Company box.
Wendi's coat only lasted another season,
but Mom reused that box for many Christmases to come.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com