Happy anniversary, Claire.
Aw. You, too, babe.
I love you. Mwah!
Can I pour you some champagne?
Uh, that depends. Is it grocery store champagne,
or did you steal it from Cooper?
Stole it from Cooper.
Yeah!
Fancy!
Happy anniversary, guys.
I, um, I got you a little something.
Aw, Cooper.
I'm just gonna quickly peek out into the driveway...
and be just as excited for our non-drivable gift.
What is it, buddy?
Well, I was doing my own laundry...
Sorry, people usually applaud when I say things like that.
Anyway, I found a copy
of your old vows in some wadded-up tuxedo pants.
Oh. I guess the rental guy was right.
I did notreturn those pants.
And they were
so beautifully written up, I thought it would be nice
to blow them up and print them on canvas.
- Oh, my God. - Aw. That's amazing. [LAUGHS]
And when I was down there, I also found a set of bagpipes
stashed in a cupboard behind the detergent.
[SIGHS] Oh, yeah.
Jake got his 23andMe results
and found out he is 0.5% Scottish.
Oh, don't be so jealous, ya wee clipe.
Yeah, that accent was 0.5% Scottish.
CLAIRE: Yeah, well,
luckily, at our wedding, Jake vowed to...
never play them again, and in exchange,
I vowed to never do the Dougie again.
[SIGHS] It's a dance I got a little obsessed with.
A little? You did it at your uncle's funeral.
His name was Dougie!
- Happy anniversary! - I didn't see anything
in the driveway, so I'm assuming
Cooper's gift is stuck in customs
because the steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car?
No. Cooper got us a very thoughtful gift.
Oh. Did he donate to whales or something?
Hey, you guys brought champagne for us?
Yes.
That is totally for you guys.
Honey, why don't you pop that unopened bottle of champagne?
Okay.
[POPPING LIPS] Oh-ho!
- Ooh! Whoa. - Ah!
Get the glasses.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah.
To Jake and Claire!
♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together... ♪
[VOCALIZING]
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
Wow, man, framing our vows was a great gift, Cooper.
I mean, a new Lexus wouldn't have been nearly as homemade.
- [CHUCKLES] - Yeah.
I just love how, instead of using
the same old boring clichés,
like honoring and cherishing each other,
you guys personalized your vows.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We got super specific.
'Cause we didn't want to fight all the time, like my parents did.
Yeah. So we always vowed to never go to sleep
without resolving our issues,
and always having each other's back.
Yep. And my lady vowed to:
- "always celebrate my quirks." - [CHUCKLES]
Though sometimes it is hard to tell the difference
between a quirk and a major personality flaw.
Mm.
Man, I wish my parents had done this... it might've stopped them
from getting divorced when I was young.
Aw, sorry to hear that, Coops. Mine, too.
Play a lot of catch in the backyard by yourself?
Yeah, but it was with a boomerang, so it wasn't too bad.
Oh.
It's weird, but I can't help feeling
like I caused my parents' divorce.
Oh, come on. All kids feel that way.
- But you got to know it's not true. - I know.
It's just, when I was 11, I pulled this prank on my mom
and told her my dad was having an affair and...
you know, instead of laughing,
she had revenge sex with his boss.
And then, like,
three weeks later they were divorced.
Uh...
I-I-I mean,
you-you can't...
Are pranks different in Australia?
My point is that you two
are the perfect relationship role models for me.
But seriously, I'm so inspired that I think
I'm gonna write my first love ballad.
Ah, Cooper, those vows may seem nice,
but you didn't have to watch these two stumble over them
while ugly crying.
[FAKE CRYING]: I vow... to make our wedding ceremony
three hours longer than it needs to be.
[FAKE CRYING]: Even though all of our guests
just want to rip shots at the open bar.
[BOTH FAKE SOBBING]
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Make your jokes, all right?
But I'll have you know Claire and I
- are killing this marriage thing. - CLAIRE: Yeah.
You know, thanks to these bad boys, we are four years in,
- and we've never had an actual fight. - GERALD: Wow.
A whole four years.
If your marriage was a bottle of wine,
it'd be, like, 12 bucks.
And by the way,
it is healthy for couples to fight.
We've been married for 30 years...
We fight all the time.
We don't fight all the time.
Not in front of the kids.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too. Oh.
♪
Oh, wow, babe.
We crushed that anniversary dinner.
Ooh, yeah.
We really should stop this tradition of eating
a seafood tower for every year we've been married.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Look at how this guy parked.
- What a jerk. - Hey, now.
Let's not assume it was a guy.
Ladies can be bad at stuff, too.
Nope, tried to say something good and it came out bad.
You know, we should leave a nasty note.
Give me that dinner receipt.
But it has my name on it.
And proof that I have a Discover card.
Ugh. He's not gonna read the receipt.
Yeah, you're right. And even if he does,
you know how many Jake Davises there are in this city?
17. And not one has responded to a friend request.
Ooh, girl.
Get nasty with it.
Okay. I see you.
Very colorful language, my dear.
[GASPS] Claire.
"If you thought you knew how to park, you're wrong, you..."
- Oh, that says "can't." Oh. - [CHUCKLES]
And delivered.
Well, guess we got to go through the back door.
[SIGHS] It is our anniversary.
[LAUGHS]
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING]
All right.
- There we go. - Oh.
Ooh. Climbing into the car through the butt
was a pretty good workout.
Well, you know what else is a good workout...
Swimming.
Oh, wait. Are you coming on to me?
[GIGGLES]
Leaving that nasty note got me feeling a little nasty myself.
Oh. Claire,
you dirty dog. [LAUGHS]
We know we have the house to ourselves,
which means we can have some good ol' fashioned
- ♪ couch sex, baby this evening ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ I need some couch sex ♪ - Baby, tonight.
Wait. Is that the receipt that I wrote my note on?
What? This?
No. No. This is, uh...
This is... I was just practicing origami.
It's, uh...
Oh. [SIGHS]
Messed up another one. Guess I got to eat it.
What?
Drop it.
Drop it. Drop it.
Huh. Wow.
So you took my note off the windshield?
Yes.
That's interesting,
because I seem to recall reading somewhere
that you vowed to always have my back.
Where was that? Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
Claire, taking that note was having your back,
because now that guy won't see it and be all like...
[GRUNTING]
[MIMICS CAR ENGINE]
[MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTS]
"I didn't mean it." "Yes, you did."
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GRUNTING, GROANING]
That's him hitting on you because he knows
you're a beautiful woman and any murderer
would be lucky to have you as a wife.
- Where are you going? - To bed.
No. Eh, not so fast, Claire-io Andretti.
I seem to recall reading somewhere
that we vowed to never go to bed without resolving our issues.
I wonder where I read that.
Oh, yeah. Ba-bam!
There's nothing to resolve.
You didn't have my back, and I'm tired.
Well, we...
we can't go to bed unless I feel resolved
and I do not feel resolved!
Claire!
Well, joke's on you, Claire.
I can have sex on this couch even without you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything.
I'm up late.
Actually, I'm up late.
- I'm up late. - Hey.
You're up early.
Actually, I'm uplate.
No. Over-rehearsed it.
Wait. Did you stay up all night?
I didn't want to.
I had to, because I don't break our vows.
[CHUCKLES] Husband, one; wife, zero.
What did you even do for eight hours?
I, uh, watched Saving Private Ryan,
then accidentally signed up for the army.
Uh, got scared and unplugged the modem.
Hmm.
Well, Jake, I guess I should say I'm sorry...
that you felt the need to stay up all night
to prove your silly point.
Is that really how you talk to someone
who might be a member
- of the United States Armed Forces? - Oh, my God.
Might be... You know what? Now you're acting crazy.
Apologize for real.
What's the point of apologizing?
- Hiya, guys. - [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
- Hey. What's going on? - Oh, hi.
Will you stop?
What do you think of this lyric from my new love ballad?
Uh, "I love all your quirks, it's why we work.
"Now, girl, break it down for me.
Twerk, twerk, twerk."
- It's amazing. - I love it.
As you were, lovebirds.
[CLAIRE CHUCKLES]
Ugh. Well, we can't fight in front of Cooper,
'cause he looks up to our perfect marriage.
We're not fighting, all right?
And we never will as long as you promise
to never break another one of our vows.
Well, you broke the first vow
when you didn't have my back last night.
[LAUGHS]
I'm laughing because, clearly, that was a joke.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.
Ugh. You know what?
Have fun nodding off at your desk, ya big baby.
Oh, I will.
And every time I do, I'll know it's my body
telling me how right I am.
You are correct, sir.
Yes, you are right.
Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Well, I vowed to always leave you with a kiss
and I wouldn't want to be the secondperson
to break one of our vows.
No, no, no, no. That's, that's an angry kiss.
I do not do anger kisses.
No, it's not an angry kiss.
It's a self-righteous kiss
and it's gonna taste like you're wrong.
No. No. No. I don't...
Stop. You're Pepé Le Pew-ing me.
I don't want it.
Hey.
What's going on, guys?
Oh, I was just honoring my vow
to always leave Jake with a kiss, so...
- Mm-hmm. - [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Thank you, dear.
My God, your love is so inspiring.
"You, you leave you with a kiss, so you know my love is true.
"And-and when you get home,
I'm gonna Pepé Le-do you."
It's amazing.
- Cooper, you did it again, man. - Thank you.
How does he do it? Right?
[GRUNTS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[GROWLS]
Mm.
[LAUGHS]
Husband, one; wife, one.
[SNORING]
Oh.
Hitting the old mahogany mattress, were we?
I must have dozed off.
Ah, it's okay, Jake.
Stories about my susceptibility to lightning strikes
can be a little boring.
No, no. I'm sorry.
I... I just had a rough night.
Don't apologize. I fall asleep at work all the time. [LAUGHS]
Managing a pop star is a 24/7/365 job.
Well, 364.
I take off Secretaries Day to honor my late mother.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you. She's never on time.
It's so annoying.
So what happened?
- Claire and I had a bit of an argument. - Mm-hmm.
You know, one thing I know about marriage
is that it is all about winning and losing.
I may not have a house,
a car, or children that talk to me, but I have my pride.
Four and oh, baby.
I gotta go talk to Claire.
No, Jake. You have to talk atClaire.
Don't let her get a word in.
Make her know how you feel.
Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Babe, I had some time to think, and, uh, I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah? Well, you have a stupid, weird-shaped...
- Wait. What? - What?
Did you just apologize?
Yeah. You know,
I-I realized marriage isn't about winning and losing.
Those vows were a really sweet gift idea.
Let's not ruin it by arguing about them.
Oh, I'm sorry, too.
[LAUGHS]
You know, why don't you go in the kitchen and, uh,
pour us two glasses of champagne
and we can celebrate the end of this non-fight?
Ooh, I likey.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God.
Oh. No. No. No.
Oh.
What are you doing?
Wanna have sex?
- All the time. - [LAUGHS]
Wait a minute, that was too easy.
What are you hiding, Claire?
Nothing. [LAUGHS]
- Then why are you blocking when I... - I'm not.
Just...
- when I'm trying to... - When... Oh. Oh.
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, my God!
What?! [GASPS]
- What? - Oh, my God.
Someone broke in and vandalized our gift.
Did you cross out one of my vows?
Okay, yes.
I was really upset when you left and...
I didn't know you were gonna come back and apologize,
but look, I can, I can fix it right now. Look.
That... and then you...
Eh? See? I signed it like you do at the bank
when you handle important business.
Do not try to turn me on with sexy bank talk, all right?
I kept that vow. I keep all of our vows.
Oh, please. So you really "treat me like a queen"?
Well, not literally, but now that you mention it,
would you like me to remove that scepter
- from thine butt? - [GASPS, LAUGHS]
Well, in that case,
- off with your head... privileges. - [GASPS]
O-Okay. All right.
Oh, I'll play this game. I can play this game.
How 'bout how you...
promise to "always celebrate my quirks," huh?
Well, I don't feel very celebrated right now.
Oh. Well, let's,
let's have a party for them.
You know, let's start with how you always
have to do an open-mouth smile for every picture.
I don't open-mouth smile for every...
[LAUGHS] Oh. Or how you have to save
every single receipt that you've every gotten.
Let's have a little party for them, too, right?
- Yay! Yay! - Oh, my gosh!
You're mixing deductible categories.
We're gonna go to jail. Are you crazy?
Oh, my gosh.
Ugh.
Well, since no one's taking our vows seriously anymore,
I guess I'll do a little something like this.
[BAGPIPE BUZZING]
♪
I hope you're in the mood for an instrument
I like to call the devil's testicle.
Oh, my God.
It sounds terrible.
Yeah, Claire. It's the bagpipes.
Oh, great.
You know what? Keep playing,
'cause it's getting me in the mood for a little dancing.
Oh, you better not Dougie.
Oh, I'm about to Dougie. I'm about to Dougie.
- What? Ah. - Don't you dare.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
♪
What are you guys doing?
What does it look like we're doing?!
Um...
♪
I honestly don't know.
We're having our first fight.
And I hope you finished your love song
because our vows are a bunch of crap.
This is my fault, isn't it?
- No, it's Jake's. - No, it's Claire's.
Oh, my God.
Someone broke in and vandalized my gift.
Couldn't sleep?
Yep.
Turns out it was only 4:00 in the afternoon
when I stormed upstairs.
And, uh, it felt weird to come back down here
so I pretended to read a book.
What book?
I don't know. I was pretending.
COOPER: Jake and Claire! Could you guys come
into the living room, please?
Oh, my gosh, Claire, are you okay?
Why'd you say she was having a heart attack?
[LAUGHS] Gotcha.
Anyway, these guys were having a big fight
and I thought you guys could help.
Yeah, a fight I thought was between myself, my wife
and an unrelated boy who lives in our attic.
Well, look, I'm sorry, but I feel so bad
my gift caused you guys to fight.
This is why I usually just give people cars.
Seriously?
- [GRUNTS] - Anyway, I figured Bonnie and Gerald
have been married for 30 years, maybe they could help.
Ugh. Okay, look, I know you guys think
that our vows are ridiculous,
but we are trying our best to live up to them.
But that's the problem. You wrote these fancy vows
that sound amazing, but at the end of the day
they're impossible to live up to.
You guys just set too many rules.
It's a marriage, not an orgy.
Look, think about it. Your wedding day is the day
you know the least about your marriage,
so making promises then is just setting yourself up for failure.
That's why you always stick with the hits:
good times, bad times,
sickness, health,
burial or cremation.
Cremation.
Burn, baby, burn.
You know, I think they're right.
Like, I don't want to be in a marriage based on rules
we set up years ago.
I want to grow and evolve with you.
Aw. [LAUGHS]
Me, too.
Ew.
- [BOTH SIGHING] - Wow.
- That was amazing. - Mm.
God, I can't believe we've been missing out
on make-up sex all these years.
- I know. Stupid loving relationship. - [LAUGHS]
Well, you know what this means?
We just got to start having more arguments.
No, we don't. That's crazy.
You're crazy.
Don't call me crazy.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -