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Hi, this is Jon. Jon Sperling, Sam's husband.
I just wanted to talk to you for a minute
about why my marriage fell apart.
Number one.
Hello?
Hi, this is Jon.
Jon Sperling, Sam's husband,
or soon-to-be ex-husband.
I just wanted to talk to you for a minute...
Thanks for letting us keep our stuff
in your storage for the past few months.
Oh, no problem, no problem.
It's been a year, um, no problem.
Well, I just can't believe
that she and I are about to get rid of all our stuff.
- Our whole life is down there. - No, I wouldn't think of it like that.
I would think about it like, you just, you have a lot of stuff
at my place.
OK. Thanks, Max. You're always there for me.
Do it again.
So, do you have a plan
about how you're going to handle this whole thing?
Oh, I've got a plan.
I've got a major plan.
- You have no plan? - How are you supposed to say sorry
to someone after you've done what I've done?
I know. You don't.
You don't say anything. You just move all your shit in silence.
Okay, alright, I get it.
Look...
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Okay, but at the end of the day
when it's all said and done...
there's gonna be nothing down there, right?
Because I promised Felix for like, six months you'd get your shit out.
Our shit will be out.
Okay?
I don't know why I'm blaming Felix. I want your stuff out.
I want it out.
Oh.
- Why? - Your stuff reminds me
of all the things that can go wrong with a relationship.
- Because we're just about to get married, - Right.
and your marriage has failed.
And I just don't want that here.
You know, we're starting this great new life
of marriage and potential, and happiness
and downstairs is just a reminder
of all the reasons we shouldn't do it,
because none of us want to end up like you guys.
It's like it's haunted.
I want to light the sage, get all the ghosts of you out of here.
Not of you, but like of your failed marriage.
Okay, I get it.
I'm going to get married. Your marriage is just, just sucks.
It's just like a dick teenager with a drug problem.
So, it's like we're up here, building this life
and downstairs there's like this emotional asbestos
that we're breathing in and gonna get cancer. And I just need it out.
It's just... I'm sorry was that harsh?
Like, our marriage can be anything and your marriage is nothing.
And I just don't want that here.
Hey.
Shit.
Great, now there's glass all over the floor.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Er... But... don't worry.
We have 11 more bottles of Charles Shaw stored here for some reason.
Well, let's clean this up and, um, get to it.
We have somebody coming to look at the furniture in half an hour.
Um... Alright, I'm gonna get some paper towel.
Let's start with the big picture.
You said you wanted a more mature look for your apartment, right?
Yeah. I mean, the current design is geared towards
impressing the 22-28 year old demo, but...
I don't know, I think I wanna age it up.
Aw, you're ending your mentorship program?
Alright, see, now what do you think of that? I kind of like that.
Oh, really?
Says I'm a fun boy.
- It says you're a sad man. - Really?
Oh, shit.
Sorry, it's my office. Hey, Abby.
Wait, what happened?
When was this?
Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry. Just one second.
Okay, so what did he say exactly?
Sam.
I think I found a sectional that works really well.
Not right now!
Is everything okay?
Jon just called my assistant and told her we're getting divorced.
- You're getting divorced? - No, of course not.
- Well, then why did you just say... - Okay, why am I lying?
Yes, we're getting divorced, OK? Are you happy?
No! What?
- Are you doing okay? - Of course not. It's been horrible.
I really don't wanna talk about this right now, OK?
So, yeah, why are you wearing a big ring then if you're not...
Look, I don't know why he would call my assistant
and tell her about it, I mean, what is that?
- I don't know if I should answer I feel... - Just shut up.
This is weird, Jon is calling me now.
- What? Has he ever called you before? - Not really.
Well, pick up your phone.
Want me to say I'm with you,
- or should I not say... - Pick up the phone so he doesn't hang up.
Hey, buddy, what's going on?
Yeah, I just heard. I'm not with her.
I'm... Uh-huh.
Okay, can I just say something because...
Okay, guess not.
This is so weird. He's just blabbering on and on,
not listening to a word I'm saying.
Let me hear.
This adulterous affair began before we got married and
continued through the birth of both of our beautiful children, little...
Dashiell and Pearl.
I'm not telling you this so that you'll take sides.
That's not what this is about, but...
only one of us had a man's erect penis inside of them
and it wasn't me!
So... that's the truth about Samantha Delmonico.
Er... Have a great day.
- Is that what he said to you? - Word for word.
So he's calling everyone and leaving this message?
It's like a robo-call.
Oh, my God. He's robo-shaming you.
This is insane.
Parents at the kids' school, clients.
He's calling everyone I know.
He probably broke into your contacts and he's rolling through them all.
That's hardcore.
And of course he's not picking up the phone!
I don't know what to do.
Okay, he's still early in the alphabet.
Oh, weird. Anders is texting me. Remember Anders?
- Yeah, why? - I guess Jon got to him too, he wants
- to know if you're single. - Dude.
I would probably try to find Jon and figure out where he is.
Yeah, that's the point. I don't know where he is.
I can find him.
What's your Apple password?
I can find his iPhone.
I don't know. It used to be the same as mine,
but he probably changed it.
Well, what is it? We might as well give it a try.
Anders is relentless.
He's texting me again. What should I tell him?
Tell him I'll meet him tonight at seven.
Okay, I feel like you're being sarcastic, but...
The password is: 061608.
- What's that? - Our wedding anniversary.
Jon's on Madison and the Mid-70s.
- Oh my god, of course. Sant Ambroeus. - Nailed him.
Okay, Nick, you drive.
- Okay. - I'm gonna keep an eye on his location.
Cyber unit in pursuit.
So it's these two pieces and the bed.
Okay, so they're mahogany and they are pretty chipped.
- They're beautiful, aren't they? - Yeah, very nice. Super chipped but...
beautiful energy.
We felt that too. That's why we bought them.
In this cute little town called New Hope.
Is that right, Lisa?
- Lambertville. - Lambertville, right!
Yeah, it was foliage season and we packed a picnic,
we went up there and...
Uh... oh!
I think these are actually
the first pieces of furniture we ever bought together.
- Aw. - Yeah.
My fiancé and I go to Vermont every year for the leaves.
Vermont's the best.
I mean the reds and the oranges, and those kind of buttery yellow...
We really need to get rid of the stuff.
So do you want this crap or not?
Do you mind if I step out, talk to my fiancé first?
Please, by all means. Take your time.
Hey, can you stop with the nostalgia tour?
- What are you talking about? - Autumn walks, picnics, Lambertville?
It sounds like a Hallmark movie.
- Falling in Love. - What?
That's what it'd be called. It would be called Falling in Love.
Because of the fall.
Listen, I'm sorry, it's salesmanship. It's just salesmanship.
I'm trying to move the product.
No, you were painting our relationship
in a rosy glow, and I don't like it!
I'm trying to get through this and I want you to stop.
Okay, no glow.
- My fiancé loves it. - Awesome.
Uh, how flexible are you guys on price? Because it's pretty chipped.
Yeah, we get it. It's super fucking chipped, it's old.
Very, very flexible.
Okay, great. If you don't mind my asking,
why are you guys getting rid of it?
We're getting a divorce. I cheated on her for a really long time
with a mutual friend.
We bought it in Lambertville,
on a... really pretty fall day.
Why would you say that?
You told me not to be nostalgic.
I didn't say be an idiot.
Well... I'm not a mind reader.
Okay, let's just focus on our toss piles, okay?
Which you could be doing a way better job at.
Whoa, not a toss.
It's a TiVo from the late 90s. It's the definition of a toss.
- Do you not remember what's on here? - No.
Lisa, seriously we have to watch this right now.
- Ethan, please! No! - This is not a toss.
- This is not getting thrown away. - We have to get this done today!
Ethan!
Is this really a necessary part of emptying the storage unit?
- Oh! - Right there.
- Oops. - Oh, man, Felix set all that stuff up.
I can't plug that stuff back in.
Felix will not mind, he's cool as shit.
Yeah, but I'm not cool as shit.
- Oh, man. - Max, I'm sorry.
He wouldn't let this go, he was like a dog with a bath mat.
- Dog with a bath mat? - Yeah, it's a thing.
My dog Scoby would attack them all the time, it's a thing all dogs do.
People say it, it's a thing, you're absolutely right.
Is there food in the mat?
Of course there's not food in the mat.
They like ripping it apart for some reason.
I don't know why they would be so into a mat.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I don't know why we're talking about this.
Oh, this surface is...
Alright, here we go.
See, and everyone says it's gonna take up all of our time.
"It's going to take too much time... "
Is that suppose to be me?
No, not at all. It was him, if anything.
I think it was me because I too am concerned
about the time this is taking.
Alright.
Just give it a second.
Look at this. He's smiling, can't be that much long.
Oh shit. It's rebooting.
There we go. Okay, we're good.
What is happening?
It's powering up. It's powering up, OK? It's rebooting.
Here we go. It's totally worth it, you guys,
it's gonna be totally worth it.
Marianne, this thing is huge. What happened to the Saab?
Too many parking tickets. It was cheaper to get a new car.
Or you can just try parking legally.
- Ain't nobody got time for that. - Uh-huh!
Jon is on the move. Just crossed the Park, headed east.
Oh, my God. This traffic.
Wait, Marianne, what do you think of Merrill Morgan?
She's a bitch.
OK. Well, I... I am going on a date with her.
Wasn't she married at, like, 22?
Ooh, a divorcée.
- Are you guys obsessed? - Yeah.
- Could you actually film the date?
Very funny.
Where do you think I should take her? I don't know where to go.
I mean, doesn't she seem like a bistro person? Right?
I mean, like, Odeon?
I'm pretty sure if you take Merrill Morgan
South of Houston she'll burst into flames.
Just take her to like the Polo Bar or something.
- Oh, my God. Jon's on the move again. - Where is he?
My satellite says he's headed uptown.
Oh! Take this turn, right here.
Jeez...
- Perfect. Great. - Oops.
Why did you have to put your parachute in my face?
What? What are you talking about? It's totally see-through.
- It's like eight feet long. - What?
It was your drapes fault.
- You hit me. - No, no, no.
- You definitely hit me. - You know what I can do? I can pay you.
Just stay in the car.
- Officer? Officer, right here. - Stay in the car?
- No, no, no. We just... - This guy hit me.
- This guy definitely hit me. - I didn't...
We don't have to bring in...
Hey, how you doing?
First off, how is your day going?
You look sweet in that helmet.
This vehicle has over $12,000 in outstanding parking tickets.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
That's crazy. Well, first of all, it's not my car.
- Oh, it's not your car? - No, it's Marianne's.
- Where is Marianne? - Where did she go?
There was nobody in the back, officer, I promise you.
It was only these two right here.
Look this is her iPad. She was helping me find my husband.
Actually, I really have to go.
Okay, you can take a walk. I need to see your license and registration.
You know what, I've got an idea. What if I just give you the car?
Alright, here we go.
With the turn of the Millennium fast approaching,
fears are running rampant about Y2K and its crisis-causing potential.
I went live to find out how some locals are preparing for their own
personal apocalypse.
Its just essentials. Toilet paper, condensed milk, peanut butter.
Yeah, you need to stock up now.
- I would take out all your money... - Look at that hair!
- Look at that full head of hair. - I know.
- Bank accounts are... - That streak...
- This is a 100% going to happen. - is awesome.
The thing about that streak is it's timeless.
And now some New Year's resolutions
- from Bill Cosby. - We were so stupid.
Well, let's see what else is on this bitch.
Oh, wow, you got...
24, season five, 24, season six, 24, Redemption, 24, season seven,
24, Live Another Day, 24, season eight.
- You guys loved 24. - We watched the whole series twice.
- Wow. - Everything but Legacy.
It's just that we don't really consider Legacy to be 24, right, Lisa?
I don't think that Max cares about our 24 preferences.
I'm very interested. What's the deal with Legacy?
Legacy did not have Jack Bauer,
and it was our position when we were a couple...
that it was not 24 if there was no Jack Bauer.
- Sure. - Yeah.
Oh gosh, remember all these 24 parties we had back in Ann Arbor?
Yeah... We used to make everyone bring 24 themed foods.
Like hot dogs and bauerkraut.
- Remember the 24 bean soup? - It was actually only three beans.
But we told them it was 24,
and everyone bought it, it was like...
Yes, well because back then... Can I see this?
Everybody believed you.
I'm deleting it.
No, why are you deleting stuff? Stop deleting stuff.
You know, it's all streaming now,
so it doesn't matter, you can watch that.
You know why I'm deleting it? Because it's worthless.
It was all a lie.
Look, a small portion of it was a lie,
but it wasn't a lie. It meant something.
You were basically with another woman
the entire time we were married. How is that not a lie?
Did you even know what a lie is? Are you literally stupid?
I wasn't with another woman for our entire marriage.
- No, I don't wanna talk about this. - We have to talk about this!
- We've never talked about any of this. - Great! I don't want to.
It was a handful of times.
A handful of times.
Wow. Well, let's renew our vows then, shall we?
A handful of times.
Alright, I'm not proud of it.
And it definitely wasn't worth it.
But I loved our marriage, I loved you.
Then why did you do it?
I don't know.
It made me feel like I was 19.
And look, I get it.
I completely get that you have to make me a villain
to get over this, but...
But I'm not a monster. I...
I'm just a flawed piece of shit.
Wow.
That's... That's intense.
Do you mind?
You're in my apartment.
And that's how I would get out, you're blocking my...
path.
I should get back to packing.
I feel like someone said, like, "Don't get into it."
I wish someone would really make it clearer to you to not get into it.
Only one of us had a man's
erect penis inside of them and...
- Jon? - it wasn't me.
- Wait. - And that's the truth
about Samantha Delmonico.
- Samantha. - These calls have to stop.
As soon as I've called every one of your contacts.
Please stop, I'm begging you.
I like that. That's good. The begging is very good.
- Can you do more of the begging? - You're calling all of my clients,
all of my vendors, everyone.
You made this mess. I'm just giving you the proper credit.
Is this actually making you feel better?
Oh, ye...
Not as much as I thought it would.
So maybe you should stop?
We done here? Because I'm still rolling calls.
I'm on the S's, I have just a few more.
- Are you really gonna finish? - If I don't it will haunt me.
If you do finish it will haunt me!
I'm taking care of me now.
Does S-N-S Cleaners really need to know our shit?
Yeah.
Yes, they do.
What?
I bet you're happy you'll never see this again.
No, you can't toss that.
That's mine, you made it for me at that...
adult pottery class at the YMCA.
- I want it. - Really?
Yeah, I want it. You...
It reminds me of Ann Arbor.
Okay, I'll let you have it but I get something from your pile.
- No, no, not my jams. - Don't worry, I just wanna play one song.
♪ Now in my younger days ♪ ♪ I used to sport a shag ♪
♪ When I went to school ♪ ♪ I carried lunch in a bag ♪
♪ With an apple for my teacher ♪ ♪ 'Cause I knew I'd get a kiss ♪
♪ Always got mad ♪ ♪ When the class was dismissed ♪
♪ But when it was in session, I always had a question ♪
♪ I would raise my hand ♪ ♪ To make her stagger to my desk and ♪
♪ Help me with my problem ♪ ♪ It was never much ♪
Well...
to our relationship hitting rock bottom.
- Oh. - Oh.
Age does not make that better.
No.
So your friend just buys a new car every time one gets impounded?
- Yeah, isn't that nuts? - Is she a diplomat?
She's an unemployed actress.
I had a really nice time tonight.
I had a nice time too.
Thank you.
Ta-dah!
- What's going on? - Uh...
I'm just...
I'm worried that this could...
get complicated.
- Complicated? - Yeah.
I just... I usually date, like simpler women,
and you're like wise enough
to see what's wrong with me.
So you're calling me old?
Er... I feel like the more I say the...
digger a hole I'm gonna... deep.
The digger a hole you're gonna deep?
I just... Let's just leave it at...
I could...
like you.
Wow, you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.
That was better.
Was it the best lay you ever had?
Yes, it was.
- Can you get me some water? - Yes, of course.
- Oh, sorry. - That's okay.
What's up!
- Jesus! - Pussy.
Good night.
Okay, good... Yeah, good night!
Wow.
- Thank you. - Uh, yeah.
- I just met your son. - Isn't he the sweetest?
Yeah, no, he's super sweet.
God, you...
You got a lot of B-52s.
Yes. I have no idea why I have Fred Schneider's solo album.
Why did I buy this funky little purchase?
- Is that your Fred Schneider? - Yeah.
Why did I buy this funky little purchase?
- We have our own Freds. - Okay.
Oh, my God.
We're now in the swing section.
Look at this. What do we got here? We got some Big Bad Voodoo Daddy,
we've got some Cherry Poppin Daddies.
- Lots of daddies. - You know what, whatever, man.
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy played the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
That was a big deal.
Okay, well.
This really brings me back.
Sorry.
I don't mean to be nostalgic.
Well, it's hard not to be.
Our lives were fully intertwined until a year ago.
I've known you my entire adult life...
and now I'm not completely clear what I'm...
supposed to be once all this is gone.
You know?
Yeah, I know.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't had sex in a year.
Okay.
Guess this is it.
Yeah, that was it.
Hello.
J... Jon?
Uh, what? I would...
It's your mess, you clean it up.
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