Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Fillmore Fantasy Class Draft!
[ALL CHEER]
All students grade K through 5 are eligible to be drafted.
As you pick your players, keep in mind that scores are calculated based on:
academics, behavior and attendance.
And if a kid gets sick, they go on the injured reserve.
And this year the winner will receive
a $500 target gift card for school supplies
- [ALL GASP] - May the best teacher win.
Fantasy Class Draft starts in 3... 2... [BLOWS WHISTLE]
- I'll take Maddie P. - No!
She doesn't have any friends
so chook ain't got nothing to do but study. Yes!
[GROANS]
"Pokemon Go" is screwing me.
Damn it, my class' attendance sucks.
Pink eye is killing me.
Don't poop and touch your eyes, animals.
Y'all thought Freddy S. was a moron,
but he just had ADHD. Oh!
Now he's on meds and bae slays all day.
Before I read the results, let me just say,
this game is stupid.
With that being said,
Deb and Caroline are eliminated.
- No. - Damn it.
Which means Toby and Chelsea are in the playoffs.
- [SQUEALS] - [LAUGHS] Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
May the best fantasy class win.
[ROCK MUSIC]
synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*
All right, and now Melanie and Tim,
let's see what you each wrote about how you resolve conflict.
Seriously, Tim?
Everybody knows, never go to bed angry.
Well, now, Melanie, just to reminder,
you need to write something on your board too.
You can't just wait for Tim and criticize what he wrote.
Amateurs.
What, did they just meet in the parking lot?
Now it's your turn, big boy.
You and... and, uh...
what's her face? Uh, your question is,
how many children do you wanna have?
BOTH: Five.
Who's gonna handle the finances?
[MARKERS SQUEAK]
- She will. - I will.
I'm not good at math.
If there was, um, football game,
shirts and skins,
which one of you's gonna take of your shirt?
I guess I will.
Yeah, well, heh... hey, let's pretend that football game
is happening right now,
and you can take that shirt off.
[SIGHS] Shirt and skins. You're skins.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
[CALM ROCK MUSIC]
I'm sure Ms. Cannon will be along any moment now.
Does this look even to you?
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, boy.
[SIGHS] Jesus, Cecelia.
I know. Sorry, guys.
I was protesting the use of plastic straws.
- They kill animals. - We know.
That turtle video you showed us made Lauren cry.
So, what do we do today?
Today we are using old toilet paper rolls
to make rain sticks.
Ew, what's on them?
Oh, shoot. My tahini must've spilled.
She's nice, but girlfriend's a disaster.
[ROCK MUSIC]
No, Annie, there's no C in "bake."
It's a K.
What are you doing with my student?
I'm just helping Annie prepare
for your vocabulary test tomorrow
because I'm a good teacher
and I want every student to do well.
You lying sack of shit.
Sorry, Annie.
I meant "lying sack of shirts," like a laundry pile.
Go ahead, Toby, tutor all you want.
I have won Fantasy Class five years in a row
and you are not gonna break my streak, you asshole rookie.
Sorry, Annie, I meant "asphalt rookie."
Like someone you walk all over.
- You're going down. - In your dreams.
I'm gonna eff you up.
What? I got it right that time. I didn't say [BLEEP]
[BLEEP]!
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
What happened to the gender neutral bathrooms?
When you bike to work, you miss the morning gossip.
The LSE voted to change them back.
[GASPS]
Oh, hell, no.
Members of the LSE, we must make all students
of Fillmore feel accepted.
Bring back gender neutral bathrooms.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[ROCK MUSIC]
For the engagement party, I was thinking
the play settings should be rustic burlap.
I was thinking the same thing.
And speaking of the engagement party,
I have a little surprise for you.
Is it a ranch fountain for the chicken nuggets?
Oh, I'm gonna dunk so many nuggets.
No.
I invited your parents to stay with me for the week.
Yeah, I figured since I haven't met them yet,
the engagement party would be the perfect time
- to get us all together. - Oh, my gosh.
That's so sweet. When are they arriving?
Any minute.
Oh [GROANS].
Mary Louise, what're you doing?
They can't know I spend the night here.
- But we're not having sex. - Who cares?
They don't even know we hold hands.
Oh, and don't tell them we watch "Cheers."
- They hate it. - Why?
Shelley Long's a single woman working at a bar.
She's like the '80s Mary Magdalene.
- [BELL RINGS] - [GASPS, SQUEALS]
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪ ♪
- [CHUCKLES] - Mom, Dad.
- Sweetheart. - Hi.
- There's my little angel. - Oh. Hi.
- Hi. - Aw.
So nice to finally meet you. I'm...
Oh, my, look at this hip outfit.
- [GASPING LAUGH] - Ooh, a fire. Fancy.
[LAUGHS]
Yep.
Thank you so much for coming over
to help me with breakfast, sweetheart.
That's for your father. [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you. - Morning.
Morning. [GASPS]
- Sweet corn. - Uh, uh, ah.
- Hey, what... - Oh, boy.
Joanna, honey, open your eyes. He's gone.
What are you thinking?
Coming to breakfast with my parents in the nude?
- I'm not nude. - You practically are.
My mom saw your nipples.
For her that's a romantic encounter.
Go put on a long sleeve button-down shirt.
Okay.
Wait, what're you wearing?
Clothes. Now, go.
But he didn't even have hair on his chest.
- [SIGHS] - It's unnatural.
♪ ♪
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tim Brady.
It's Tom Brodie.
And what a great comparison.
We actually wear the same style UGG boots.
Mm.
- I have a trade proposal for you. - I'm listening.
I'm interested in two of your students.
Bianca B. And Harry L.
No can do. They suck butt individually,
but their cooperation is stellar,
and there's a group project coming up.
Too bad, 'cause I was gonna offer you Bobby G.
Bobby G.?
Isn't he your academic standout?
He is, but my fantasy class is skewing a little too
"Big Bang Theory," so I'm in the market
for behavior and attendance.
- What do you think? - You have yourself a deal,
- little lady. - Ooh [LAUGHS].
Shazam. Bobby G.'s dad left them this week,
the kid's life is in shambles. Ah, enjoy, jackass.
- Uh! - Up the butt, Chelsea.
[GRUNTS EXCITEDLY]
You got me right up the butt.
- You okay, Ms. Cannon? - I'm sorry, guys.
I'm just a little bummed.
I tried protesting for gender neutral bathrooms
but no one took me seriously.
- Can we be honest with you? - Sure.
No one takes you seriously because you're a mess.
I mean, look at what you're wearing.
Are you a teacher or someone selling non-food items
at a farmer's market?
And after five minutes
of hearing you talk about your macrobiotic diet,
people wanna hang themselves.
Wow. Okay.
We're not trying to be mean, but people make decisions
about you based on how you look and act.
Yeah, if anybody knows how judgmental the world can be,
it's kids in Special Ed.
We're just trying to look out for you
- like you look out for us. - Thanks, guys.
[WIDELIFE'S "ALL THINGS" PLAYING]
Combing your hair once a day says to the world,
"I'm not off my psych meds."
For style, I'd like to see you simplify.
Wearing jewelry from different ethnic groups can look like
a potpourri of cultural appropriation.
- Try this. - Mm, how chic.
Ants on a log is a simple, healthy vegan snack.
And it won't leave you smelling like the dumpster
behind Panda Express.
♪ Yeah, it's true ♪
♪ All things just keep getting better ♪
Mr. Pearson, may I go to the nurse's office
to get my ADHD medication?
Let me just check something, Freddy.
Mm, Ms. Snap's team.
Instead of your medication today,
how would you like a little treat?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, that's it.
Eat up, every last bite.
BOTH: [SCREAMING]
Freddy, no.
I think we're gonna have to send him
to the principal's office.
I can't afford another demerit on my team.
Drop the stick, Freddy. Drop the stick... ow.
Freddy. Drop the stick, Freddy!
[GIGGLES]
- Mary Louise, hand check. - Ah.
And you better get going if you wanna get home by 9:00.
Why do you wanna be home by 9:00?
For bedtime, you silly goose.
You know that I go to bed at 9:00 p.m.,
and I don't know what time you go to bed
because I'm never here. Night night.
Mm.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Psst.
Hey, what're you doing here?
I missed getting a chance to say goodnight to you.
Well, isn't this a nice surprise?
♪ Ba dum ♪
- ♪ Ba dum ♪ - What's this?
Oh, it's just a little show for you.
♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪
[IN A DEEP VOICE] ♪ Ba dum ♪
[IN NORMAL VOICE] ♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪
♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪
♪ Ba dum ♪
Mary Louise Rebecca Cleinice Bennigan.
- Ah! - Ah, John-Paul.
Go home. Now.
Okay. Sorry, Daddy.
[WHIMPERS] Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.
- We... we were just... - Are you erect?
What?
Are you erect?
- Uh... uh, no. - Good.
Goodnight.
[ROCK MUSIC]
We need to talk about your parents.
I think I was able to convince my dad it was a dream.
No, Mary Louise, you need to be honest.
You can't keep lying to them.
I'm not lying to them.
They have a very ideal vision of who I am
and you're ruining it.
I'm ruining it? How?
By being a part of your life?
How do you think that makes me feel?
The only people that you seem to care about lately
- are your parents. - That is absolutely not true.
Okay, hottie.
Hotshot. Hotshots.
First question.
Whose opinion matters most to you?
[SIGHS]
- Mary Louise. - My parents.
- Mary Louise. - Okay, fine, fine.
I'll talk to them.
- Losers. - Melanie!
Shh.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
And as someone who's always been on the outside,
I believe we should celebrate our differences.
Amazing what a comb and a little deodorant can do.
It's our job as educators to protect our students,
not alienate them.
The more accepting we are of others,
including our transgender students,
the more we grow in turn.
No!
What?
Oh, sorry.
Not "no, I don't support people's gender identities."
No that Davey P. just got pink eye.
It's like these little freaks are farting directly
into each other's eyes.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Mm.
Thank you, Cecelia, for that very impressive presentation.
But we can't vote on the same issue twice in a year.
- [GASPS] - Official policy.
Then why'd you let me get through my whole speech?
Because it was so good.
And I can promise you this.
Gender neutral bathrooms will be the first thing
on the agenda next year.
I wish more people would show up
with such well-thought-out presentations.
And the next time that you have a concern or idea,
I think that I speak for the council
when I say we are all ears.
Also, I couldn't take my eyes off your blazer.
Is that Ann Taylor LOFT?
- Ann Taylor. - Damn.
[ROCK MUSIC]
BOTH: [GRUNTING]
We need to see the attendance sheets for the other classes.
Are you still playing that dumbass game?
Hi. I need to pull my son Howie out of class.
His Pop-Pop just moved to hospice.
I wanna make sure he says goodbye.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, of course, let me...
No, he can't...
go, because he has a spelling test I really need him to take.
But didn't you just hear
how he has to say goodbye to his Pop-Pop?
Yes, so why don't you...
I'm sure the old man can hold on for one more day.
- He has cancer. - Which one?
- Some of them aren't that bad. - All right, enough.
Mrs. Gower, I'm terribly sorry.
You can go ahead and wait for Howie in the hallway.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
These are children's lives you're messing with.
Shut it down now,
or I'll report you both to Principal Duffy.
Here. Merry early Christmas.
A $500 Target gift card?
[GASPS]
You know, Mavis, sometimes...
Sometimes I do lose my faith in humanity...
Don't make this a thing.
- Okay. - Your mustache is uneven.
[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Mom, Dad.
Sweetheart, where's your khaki skirt?
I don't really wear those anymore.
But you look so pretty with your ankles covered.
Yeah, but I'm an adult now,
and I choose to dress like this.
And there are some other things you should know.
We watch "Cheers."
We hold hands.
And dancing with my pants down isn't a regular thing,
but I did enjoy it.
I knew it wasn't a dream.
I really appreciate all the values you instilled in me
as a child, but I need to make my own decisions now.
I just wanna be honest with you both.
Well, this is a lot to take in.
It really is. "Cheers"?
You know how we feel about that druggie Woody Harrelson.
But we want you to be happy, sweetheart.
Thanks, Dad.
- [STIRRING MUSIC] - [CLINKS GLASS]
Attention. Attention, everyone.
I'd like to make a toast.
I just wanna thank you all for coming out tonight.
And I also wanna thank my partner,
my main squeeze,
the Lewis to my Clark,
the peanut butter to my jelly,
the chips to my dip, the cream to my corn.
I have a lot of those. They're all food.
My life is so much richer with you in it.
The hamburger to my helper. [SNORTLES]
I'm sorry, I had to. That one was really good.
Cheers.
- ALL: Cheers. - Again with that show?
Mm.
[SNIFFS] Mm.
Listen.
I might have taken things a little too far.
Me too.
I shouldn't have told Maria S. it was Spring Break.
She has completely missed her times tables.
I'm just so sick of paying for school supplies
- with my own money. - Same.
Also, this is dumb, but I think the reason I get so crazy
about Fantasy Class is because it's the only time
I get recognized as the best teacher.
Hopefully, some day, if I work hard,
I'll get recognized as a great real teacher.
[LAUGHS]
- What's so funny? - Oh.
- You're serious? - Of course I'm serious.
You thought I was joking about wanting to be a great teacher?
Yes. You put no effort into teaching.
And historically, you have been bad.
That is so offensive. I take my kids
on more field trips than anyone in this school.
Great speech.
You must be the 'rents. I'm Deb.
- Ah, nice to meet you. - Thanks for coming.
My pleasure. Where's Blake?
You made your class use Bunsen burners
to heat up your bikini wax.
They were learning science.
- Who's Blake? - My son.
- He's at my ex's. - That is not science!
- You have a son? - You were married?
- I can explain. - You never told them?
- Ah! - [GRUNTS]
- [GLASS SHATTERS] - [THUMPS]
- ALL: [GASP] - Oh.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
I'm sorry.
Please tell us that the marriage was annulled.
I'm not apologizing to you guys.
I'm apologizing to you.
I'm so sorry about this week,
and for not being completely honest.
You and Blake are my whole world
and I'm so proud of the family that we're building together.
I'm sorry I ever hid that, and I can't wait to marry you.
[STIRRING MUSIC]
And because I want everything on the table,
- we've tongue-kissed. - Mary Louise.
No. No secrets.
- And he's had a finger in me. - Mary Louise.
And he's eating me out.
Big time.
synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*