1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.tvsubtitles.net 2 00:00:32,957 --> 00:00:37,426 ..so he was having an affair with the sister when his wife was in hospital. 3 00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,710 - Wow. - Incredible, isn't it? 4 00:00:39,795 --> 00:00:41,750 So he makes the baby-sitter pregnant. 5 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:45,826 He doesn't know whether to stay with the wife, sister or the baby-sitter! 6 00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:50,382 - When's his next confession? - Tuesday. I'll keep you posted. 7 00:00:50,471 --> 00:00:52,938 Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this. 8 00:00:53,030 --> 00:00:55,463 Me, too. It's great to take a day off. 9 00:00:55,549 --> 00:00:57,937 It shouldn't be just work, work, work. 10 00:00:58,028 --> 00:01:00,939 It's not as if everybody will join some mad religious cult 11 00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:02,983 just because we go for a picnic. 12 00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:06,103 I heard about those cults. Everybody dressing in black 13 00:01:06,186 --> 00:01:10,541 and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all. 14 00:01:10,624 --> 00:01:12,500 No... No, Dougal, 15 00:01:12,583 --> 00:01:15,540 that's us, that's Catholicism you're talking about. 16 00:01:15,622 --> 00:01:17,214 Oh, right. Right. 17 00:01:17,302 --> 00:01:20,691 Right, here's the sandwiches for the picnic. 18 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,736 The rest are in the kitchen. 19 00:01:22,820 --> 00:01:25,538 - Great. - I hope you enjoy them, Father. 20 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:29,008 I love a sandwich. Any flavour, as long as it isn't egg. 21 00:01:29,098 --> 00:01:33,214 You know how much I hate egg. Even the smell brings me out in a rash. 22 00:01:33,296 --> 00:01:37,652 I wouldn't eat an egg sandwich if you paid me. Stinking things! 23 00:01:37,735 --> 00:01:41,885 Remember me telling you, anything except egg? Anything but egg. 24 00:01:41,973 --> 00:01:43,929 - They're egg, aren't they? - Yes. 25 00:01:44,013 --> 00:01:47,084 - Great. - I'll eat them. I love egg. 26 00:01:47,172 --> 00:01:51,322 Sometimes I think I like egg so much that I'll turn into a giant egg. 27 00:01:52,890 --> 00:01:55,722 I think that process has already begun. 28 00:01:55,809 --> 00:01:57,719 - Sorry, Ted? - No, nothing. 29 00:01:57,808 --> 00:02:00,526 - So, ready? - Ready as I'll ever be, Ted. 30 00:02:00,607 --> 00:02:05,235 I don't think I've looked forward to anything as much as this picnic. 31 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:09,715 - Right, so. - Oh, I just remembered. I can't go. 32 00:02:09,804 --> 00:02:10,838 (Doorbell) 33 00:02:17,481 --> 00:02:19,233 Is Dougal in? 34 00:02:22,399 --> 00:02:24,788 - Hello, Father. - Hello, Sergeant. 35 00:02:24,879 --> 00:02:26,311 Just doing the rounds. 36 00:02:26,398 --> 00:02:29,309 On the trail of some crazed murderer, no doubt. 37 00:02:29,397 --> 00:02:31,432 - What was that? - Sorry? 38 00:02:31,516 --> 00:02:35,554 - A crazed murderer! When was this? - I was only joking. 39 00:02:35,635 --> 00:02:39,309 Oh, right. If you ever hear of a crazed murderer, report it. 40 00:02:39,394 --> 00:02:42,146 - It'd give me something to do. - Right. 41 00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:44,905 - It's very quiet here. - It is, yes. 42 00:02:44,992 --> 00:02:49,347 So if you hear of anything, you know. A car wrongly parked - anything. 43 00:02:50,390 --> 00:02:52,345 Tax up-to-date on that car? 44 00:02:52,429 --> 00:02:54,783 - It is, yes. - Thought so. 45 00:02:54,868 --> 00:02:56,824 Bye, Sergeant. 46 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:03,298 - Who was that young priest, Father? - Oh, I don't know. 47 00:03:03,385 --> 00:03:06,376 So Father McGuire isn't going on the picnic, then? 48 00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:08,341 No. Never mind. 49 00:03:08,424 --> 00:03:11,858 I'm meeting Larry Duff and a few of the lads. Better give them a call. 50 00:03:13,382 --> 00:03:15,770 - All egg, yeah? - Yes. 51 00:03:17,261 --> 00:03:18,659 (Mobile phone rings) 52 00:03:26,298 --> 00:03:28,731 Hello? Ah, hello, Ted. 53 00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:31,330 - Hello, Larry. How are you? - Ah, grand. 54 00:03:31,416 --> 00:03:35,851 Bit of a problem, though. We mightn't be able to make the picnic. 55 00:03:35,934 --> 00:03:37,447 Ah, God, Larry. Why? 56 00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:41,650 You know Father Williams who was driving us over? 57 00:03:41,732 --> 00:03:43,404 (Ted) 'Billy? What about him?' 58 00:03:43,492 --> 00:03:48,006 Well, they found a big box of machineguns in his house. 59 00:03:48,090 --> 00:03:50,683 Didn't think he'd be interested in that type of thing. 60 00:03:50,769 --> 00:03:53,680 Ah, yeah, well. You think you know someone... 61 00:03:53,768 --> 00:03:57,157 Anyway, there you go. Bye. Bye... 62 00:04:01,525 --> 00:04:04,119 Oh, well. Just myself, I suppose. 63 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,281 (Father Jack mutters) 64 00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:16,236 - (Bottles clink) - Drink! 65 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,948 It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water. 66 00:04:20,039 --> 00:04:22,632 Jacob's Creek Chardonnay, 1991! 67 00:04:23,718 --> 00:04:27,153 - You can tell just from the sound?! - Drink! Drink! Drink! 68 00:04:27,237 --> 00:04:30,069 Father, I was thinking of going on a little picnic. 69 00:04:30,156 --> 00:04:32,305 On my own. Outside. 70 00:04:33,275 --> 00:04:38,142 You wouldn't like it, Father. You'd be much happier here. That is... I... 71 00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,382 (Wind howls) 72 00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:06,495 - Here, d'you want one? - Ah, no, thanks, Father Lennon. 73 00:05:06,583 --> 00:05:10,734 - What time's your tea ready? - Frosty usually has it about six. 74 00:05:10,822 --> 00:05:14,415 - Who? - Frosty. Father Frost. 75 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:17,411 Oh, wow! Frosty. Brilliant! 76 00:05:18,459 --> 00:05:20,414 What d'you call YOUR fella? 77 00:05:20,498 --> 00:05:22,409 - Who, Ted? - Yeah. 78 00:05:22,498 --> 00:05:24,453 Well, just Ted. 79 00:05:25,657 --> 00:05:27,612 But it's the way I say it, you know? 80 00:05:27,696 --> 00:05:30,812 - He's an awful eejit, isn't he? - Yeah! 81 00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:34,772 Here, which one do you prefer - Oasis or Blur? 82 00:05:34,853 --> 00:05:36,809 - Blur. - What?! 83 00:05:36,893 --> 00:05:39,281 Oasis! I mean Oasis! 84 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:41,760 Father Damien, your tea is ready! 85 00:05:41,851 --> 00:05:44,205 I'll be in in a minute! 86 00:05:48,329 --> 00:05:49,647 (Snoring) 87 00:05:57,406 --> 00:05:59,316 Great! Here we go. 88 00:06:01,644 --> 00:06:04,555 (Man ) What the fup are you doing here? 89 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:07,839 This is my fuppin' spot. Get the fup off! 90 00:06:07,922 --> 00:06:11,311 - Hit him, Frank. - Could you not go over there? 91 00:06:11,401 --> 00:06:12,833 No fuppin' way! 92 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,831 F-U-P O-F-F. 93 00:06:15,919 --> 00:06:18,830 Fup off! We come here every fuppin' Sunday. 94 00:06:18,918 --> 00:06:22,193 - But this is Saturday. - Hit him. I'll hit him for you. 95 00:06:22,277 --> 00:06:26,110 She fuppin' would, and so would I, you fuppin' backstard! 96 00:06:26,196 --> 00:06:28,231 Why are you talking like that? 97 00:06:31,274 --> 00:06:33,992 So fup off, you grasshole! 98 00:06:34,073 --> 00:06:37,951 - But I don't see... - Right! I'm callin' the fuppin' man! 99 00:06:38,032 --> 00:06:40,784 Hey! Hey! Hey! 100 00:06:40,871 --> 00:06:42,826 (Blows whistle furiously) 101 00:06:46,549 --> 00:06:48,300 What's the problem? 102 00:06:48,388 --> 00:06:51,857 Listen, this backstard priest is in our spot! 103 00:06:53,307 --> 00:06:56,741 - Look, we were just... - Put the fork down. 104 00:06:56,825 --> 00:07:00,180 - What? Oh, I wasn't... - Put the fork down! 105 00:07:00,264 --> 00:07:02,652 Put the fork DOWN! 106 00:07:05,582 --> 00:07:08,971 Now put your hands very slowly to your sides. 107 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:10,858 Slowly! 108 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,451 All right... 109 00:07:14,539 --> 00:07:18,008 I'm going to put the megaphone down now, all right? 110 00:07:18,098 --> 00:07:20,213 Nice and easy. 111 00:07:26,295 --> 00:07:27,774 Now... 112 00:07:27,855 --> 00:07:31,210 I'm going to reach inside my pocket, all right? 113 00:07:31,294 --> 00:07:33,363 Nice and slow. 114 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:35,804 Everything's fine. 115 00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:39,280 Cigarette? 116 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,725 No. To be honest, I'm just going home. 117 00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:45,681 Fup off, you pedrophile! 118 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,998 All right, come on. Come on. 119 00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:50,999 Nothing to see here. Back to the picnic. 120 00:07:51,087 --> 00:07:52,838 (Blows whistle ) 121 00:07:53,126 --> 00:07:54,525 (Slams bottle down ) 122 00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,994 Ah, there you are. You wouldn't believe the day I've had. 123 00:07:59,084 --> 00:08:00,994 I met the rudest couple. 124 00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:03,755 And that fella, Benson, with his bloody whistle. 125 00:08:03,842 --> 00:08:07,151 Somebody should take it off him. Where did you go? 126 00:08:07,241 --> 00:08:09,152 I was with Father Damo Lennon. 127 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,151 - He's over with Frosty. - Who? 128 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,672 Eh, Father Frost. 129 00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:16,831 Oh, yes. FATHER Frost. He said they might come over for a holiday. 130 00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:19,477 Father Damo's great. 131 00:08:19,557 --> 00:08:21,547 Why are you walking like that? 132 00:08:21,636 --> 00:08:23,944 - Like what, Ted? - Like a crab. 133 00:08:24,035 --> 00:08:26,105 Oh, right. Sorry, Ted. 134 00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:31,822 - Dougal, what's that? - What? 135 00:08:31,913 --> 00:08:33,345 This? Oh, nothing. 136 00:08:33,432 --> 00:08:36,821 - It's an earring. - Oh, right. It is, all right. 137 00:08:38,271 --> 00:08:41,182 You can't go round wearing an earring. 138 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:44,544 All the young priests wear them. Father Damo has one. 139 00:08:44,628 --> 00:08:47,778 Oh, I see. Did Father Damo give you the idea? 140 00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:50,016 Yeah. He's great. 141 00:08:50,106 --> 00:08:53,063 Next he'll be giving you crack cocaine or something. 142 00:08:53,145 --> 00:08:55,897 Crack cocaine. Ah, come on, Ted. 143 00:08:59,303 --> 00:09:01,339 Well, you'll have to take it out. 144 00:09:01,423 --> 00:09:04,573 You don't know what's going on with the young people. 145 00:09:04,661 --> 00:09:08,050 I was young once. The things we got up to in the seminary! 146 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:13,576 Me and the lads, once we mitched off to see a Dana concert. 147 00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:15,410 Dana! 148 00:09:15,498 --> 00:09:19,205 No one's listening to Dana any more. You'd be mad to listen to her. 149 00:09:19,296 --> 00:09:22,685 Yeah? Father Bigley listens to Dana and he's not mad. 150 00:09:22,775 --> 00:09:24,447 Why's he in that home, then? 151 00:09:25,814 --> 00:09:28,281 He's in that home... because of those fires. 152 00:09:28,373 --> 00:09:32,285 That's nothing to do with Dana. You'll have to take that earring out. 153 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:36,000 I should be allowed to do what I want. I am nearly 26. 154 00:09:36,091 --> 00:09:38,729 You still treat me like I was 24. 155 00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:42,006 I'll start treating you like a 26-year-old 156 00:09:42,089 --> 00:09:45,000 when you start acting like a 26-year-old. 157 00:09:45,088 --> 00:09:47,043 Anyway, it's time for your bath. 158 00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:49,276 A bath! OH, NO! 159 00:10:12,838 --> 00:10:15,067 Hello, Father. 160 00:10:21,075 --> 00:10:22,474 Hello, Father. 161 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,306 Ah, hello. 162 00:10:24,394 --> 00:10:26,463 How are things? 163 00:10:26,553 --> 00:10:28,305 Fine! Fine! 164 00:10:28,393 --> 00:10:29,620 Good. 165 00:10:30,792 --> 00:10:32,747 I'll see you later. 166 00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:34,787 Go, go, go, go, go! 167 00:10:43,588 --> 00:10:45,339 You bastard! 168 00:10:46,427 --> 00:10:48,178 Slag! 169 00:10:49,226 --> 00:10:51,693 - Hello, Mary. - Hello, Father. 170 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:52,933 Oh. 171 00:10:53,784 --> 00:10:56,092 - Hello, Father. - Hello, John. 172 00:10:56,183 --> 00:11:01,653 Mary was just washing my hair. She has such lovely, soft hands. 173 00:11:01,741 --> 00:11:04,174 I was just looking for some firelighters. 174 00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:06,694 I'll get them. They're out the back. 175 00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:09,088 I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins had a helicopter. 176 00:11:09,179 --> 00:11:13,295 Oh, yes. He had to get one in because of this whistle thing. 177 00:11:13,377 --> 00:11:16,368 - Oh. Whistle thing? - Yeah. Look. 178 00:11:16,456 --> 00:11:18,686 (Mary) Isn't it terrible, Father? 179 00:11:19,775 --> 00:11:23,892 The whole island's talking about it. Who would've thought law and order 180 00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:27,965 - would break down on Craggy Island? - (Mary) God help us all, Father! 181 00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:31,123 Yes, but I mean, if it's only a whistle... 182 00:11:31,211 --> 00:11:34,122 I had to buy myself a shotgun and everything. 183 00:11:35,370 --> 00:11:37,803 I wouldn't hesitate to use that, now. 184 00:11:37,889 --> 00:11:42,756 If that man came in and tried to steal any of the whistles in here... 185 00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:46,445 I'd blow his feckin' head off his shoulders! 186 00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:48,484 (Laughs nervously) 187 00:11:48,565 --> 00:11:52,682 Look. I have it cocked an' all so I can get the jump on him. 188 00:11:52,764 --> 00:11:56,472 Would it not be dangerous to have it cocked like that? 189 00:11:56,563 --> 00:12:00,110 Not at all, Father. So long as you don't suddenly drop it. 190 00:12:00,201 --> 00:12:01,998 (John laughs) 191 00:12:02,081 --> 00:12:07,312 There. If they don't work, bring them back and we'll give you a refund. 192 00:12:07,399 --> 00:12:09,309 Ok, so. Thanks very much. 193 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,315 You feckin' eejit! Give me that! 194 00:12:13,397 --> 00:12:15,910 Did you hear about the whistle being stolen? 195 00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:18,634 - Yes... - I never thought I'd see the like. 196 00:12:18,715 --> 00:12:22,548 What next? Somebody'll be murdered and then where are we? 197 00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:26,591 Drive-by shootings in the night. It'll be like Boyz N the Hood. 198 00:12:26,672 --> 00:12:30,266 Then they'll have whores selling their wares on the street. 199 00:12:30,351 --> 00:12:33,740 The pimps'll be using crack to keep the whores under control. 200 00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:34,978 (Gunshot) 201 00:12:35,069 --> 00:12:39,380 I'm going to lock myself in the basement until they catch that fella. 202 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,423 Goodbye. 203 00:12:46,785 --> 00:12:50,697 Unbelievable! They really are making too big a deal of this. 204 00:12:50,784 --> 00:12:54,492 And look - a special pull-out supplement on whistles! 205 00:12:57,342 --> 00:12:58,740 I don't know... 206 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:03,018 Dougal, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? 207 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,498 This is Father Damo. 208 00:13:04,579 --> 00:13:07,092 How're ya? 209 00:13:07,178 --> 00:13:10,567 Hello, Father. Playing the old computer game there? 210 00:13:12,177 --> 00:13:14,132 (Phone ) 211 00:13:17,175 --> 00:13:19,483 Hello. Father Ted Crilly speaking. 212 00:13:19,574 --> 00:13:23,771 Yes. Ah! Father Frost. Yes, I'll tell him. 213 00:13:23,853 --> 00:13:28,242 Father Damien, Father Frost says you're to go home. Your tea is ready. 214 00:13:28,331 --> 00:13:31,766 Tell him I'm not going. I'm having dinner here. 215 00:13:31,850 --> 00:13:33,601 Oh. Are you? 216 00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:37,522 Hello, Father? No, he's staying here for dinner. 217 00:13:38,608 --> 00:13:42,804 Um, Father Damien, Father Frost said you're to go home immediately. 218 00:13:42,886 --> 00:13:45,274 Shite! Did you tell him I'm having dinner here? 219 00:13:45,365 --> 00:13:49,073 - Er...yes. - Tell him to feck off, then. 220 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,953 He's happy enough here for the moment, Father. 221 00:13:58,041 --> 00:14:01,191 Right. Ok. 222 00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:06,031 Father Frost says if you don't go home, he'll come and get you. 223 00:14:06,118 --> 00:14:09,587 I don't care what he does. He's not the boss of me. 224 00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:12,428 Right... 225 00:14:13,795 --> 00:14:16,229 All right, all right! I'm going. 226 00:14:16,315 --> 00:14:18,908 Tell him I'm going. I'll see you, Dougal. 227 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,623 He's heading off now. Yes, yes. Oh, right, yeah. 228 00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,709 Dougal, mind this for me. 229 00:14:27,791 --> 00:14:30,224 - Oh, right. - I'll get them later. 230 00:14:30,310 --> 00:14:32,743 - Frosty hates me smoking. - Ok, Damo. 231 00:14:32,829 --> 00:14:36,707 - You praying, yeah? - Oh, no. They're, uh...Ted's. 232 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,824 - See ya, right? - See ya. 233 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,465 (Ted) Dougal! 234 00:14:42,546 --> 00:14:45,457 Oh, God! What does he want now? 235 00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:52,898 Consonant, please, Carol. 236 00:14:55,341 --> 00:14:57,093 Vowel. 237 00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,496 Another consonant. 238 00:15:00,140 --> 00:15:02,050 Vowel. 239 00:15:02,139 --> 00:15:04,094 Consonant. 240 00:15:06,737 --> 00:15:08,693 Richard, where are you going? 241 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,164 Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. 242 00:15:13,255 --> 00:15:16,087 Go back to sleep. You're dreaming. 243 00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:22,288 Consonant. 244 00:15:22,372 --> 00:15:25,807 Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate. 245 00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:36,157 - Tea, Father? - God Almighty! Why are you up? 246 00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:40,159 I always stay up in case one of you needs a cup of tea. 247 00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:43,078 How long have you been doing this? 248 00:15:43,165 --> 00:15:47,281 - Oh, about three years now. - But we never get up at night. 249 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:49,081 You're up now, aren't you? 250 00:15:49,163 --> 00:15:51,960 Unless I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep. 251 00:15:52,042 --> 00:15:54,953 That's happened before, all right. 252 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,555 I'm just getting my jacket to go for a little walk. 253 00:15:58,639 --> 00:16:00,595 Right, so. 254 00:16:20,872 --> 00:16:21,906 Dougal? 255 00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:28,340 Oh, no! 256 00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:38,138 Dougal... Is there anything on your mind? 257 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,014 Let me rephrase that. 258 00:16:47,103 --> 00:16:50,014 Is there anything you want to tell me about? 259 00:16:50,102 --> 00:16:52,217 Something bothering you? 260 00:16:52,301 --> 00:16:53,780 Like what, Ted? 261 00:16:53,861 --> 00:16:57,169 Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? 262 00:16:57,259 --> 00:17:01,536 Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong? 263 00:17:01,618 --> 00:17:03,096 Wrong? 264 00:17:03,177 --> 00:17:07,089 You remember right and wrong, the difference between the two. 265 00:17:07,176 --> 00:17:09,928 Page one of How To Be A Catholic. 266 00:17:11,135 --> 00:17:14,489 Honestly, Dougal! This is very basic stuff. 267 00:17:14,573 --> 00:17:17,723 Give me an example of something that's wrong. 268 00:17:17,812 --> 00:17:21,087 Just give me a second, Ted. I, er... I... 269 00:17:21,171 --> 00:17:22,763 (Ted) Arson - there's one. 270 00:17:22,851 --> 00:17:24,329 Murder... 271 00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:26,603 Swearing. 272 00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:28,327 Swearing, yeah. 273 00:17:28,409 --> 00:17:30,444 - Anything else? - Er... 274 00:17:30,528 --> 00:17:33,485 Erm... Er... 275 00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:36,519 Lying? 276 00:17:36,606 --> 00:17:39,802 - Well done, Dougal! Yes! - Thanks, Ted. I... 277 00:17:40,245 --> 00:17:42,200 Dougal, are you all right? 278 00:17:42,284 --> 00:17:45,002 I'm fine, Ted. I just need to sit down. 279 00:17:45,083 --> 00:17:47,994 Sorry about that. Probably pushed you a bit hard. 280 00:17:48,082 --> 00:17:50,037 No worries, Ted. 281 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,391 Dougal, something else that's wrong is stealing. 282 00:17:57,479 --> 00:18:00,231 What I'm trying to say is, it's wrong to steal. 283 00:18:00,318 --> 00:18:03,150 - Stealing is something you don't do. - Except you. 284 00:18:03,237 --> 00:18:04,430 Yes... What? 285 00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:07,632 - You're allowed to steal. - What're you talking about? 286 00:18:07,715 --> 00:18:10,103 The money from that Lourdes thing. 287 00:18:12,873 --> 00:18:14,829 Different thing altogether, Dougal. 288 00:18:14,913 --> 00:18:18,870 That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on. 289 00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:21,464 - It was resting for a long time. - Yes, but... 290 00:18:21,550 --> 00:18:24,461 - A good, long rest. - We're not talking about me! 291 00:18:24,549 --> 00:18:28,985 We're talking about YOU. Is there anything you want to tell me about? 292 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,217 This, for example? 293 00:18:32,307 --> 00:18:35,537 Father, Sergeant Hodgins and Mr Benson are here. 294 00:18:35,626 --> 00:18:38,264 Dougal, you just go out and get...the shears. 295 00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:41,017 - Right you are. - Sorry to disturb you. 296 00:18:41,104 --> 00:18:44,015 I thought we might meet and talk about this. 297 00:18:44,103 --> 00:18:46,900 - You've heard about the whistle? - Yes. 298 00:18:46,982 --> 00:18:51,656 When I saw my whistle had been stolen, I went into a state of shock 299 00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:53,695 and lost the use of my legs. 300 00:18:53,779 --> 00:18:57,657 Well, one of them, anyhow. This one's fine but this one - 301 00:18:57,738 --> 00:18:59,693 completely lost all feeling. 302 00:18:59,777 --> 00:19:01,688 Look. 303 00:19:01,777 --> 00:19:03,926 (Screams in agony) 304 00:19:04,016 --> 00:19:06,210 - Yes. - Sweet Jesus! 305 00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:08,683 The shock also affected his memory. 306 00:19:08,774 --> 00:19:12,163 It's actually THAT leg that there's no feeling in. 307 00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:15,449 Anyhow - come on, Father. Did you hear anything? 308 00:19:15,532 --> 00:19:17,806 - About what? - About my whistle! 309 00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:20,245 Did you hear anything during confession? 310 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:24,607 No! Now, come on! The confessional is sacrosanct. 311 00:19:24,689 --> 00:19:27,566 I have had that whistle for 40 years. 312 00:19:27,648 --> 00:19:29,603 It saved my grandfather's life. 313 00:19:29,687 --> 00:19:31,120 - Did it really? - It did. 314 00:19:31,207 --> 00:19:33,640 He was being executed by the British. 315 00:19:33,726 --> 00:19:36,876 They had him up against a wall and they shot him. 316 00:19:36,965 --> 00:19:41,161 And the bullets hit the whistle in his pocket and bounced off him. 317 00:19:41,243 --> 00:19:43,073 God Almighty! So he survived? 318 00:19:43,162 --> 00:19:45,835 No, no. They just reloaded, shot him again. 319 00:19:46,921 --> 00:19:50,833 Listen, Father, I don't want to be saying anything, but, erm... 320 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,830 Jim saw someone. 321 00:19:52,919 --> 00:19:55,512 - Yes? - He didn't get a good look, 322 00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:57,190 but he did notice something. 323 00:19:57,278 --> 00:20:01,952 The collar. Jim said it was a priest who stole the whistle. 324 00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:03,991 Oh, right. That'd be Ted. 325 00:20:07,034 --> 00:20:10,184 - What?! - You were talking about stealing 326 00:20:10,273 --> 00:20:13,423 and you showed me the whistle - you put it in your top pocket. 327 00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:16,071 (Ted) No, Dougal. 328 00:20:16,151 --> 00:20:20,507 No, it is, Ted. Try your top pocket. I bet you it's in there. 329 00:20:20,590 --> 00:20:22,819 I'm sure it is. Give it a go. 330 00:20:26,028 --> 00:20:28,939 Just a bit more to your right, there. 331 00:20:29,027 --> 00:20:31,665 Yes, Dougal. Thank you. 332 00:20:31,746 --> 00:20:33,940 Oh! Right! Yes. 333 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,980 Well, there's an obvious explanation. 334 00:20:36,064 --> 00:20:39,294 - Is there, Father? - Yes, of course there is. 335 00:20:39,383 --> 00:20:40,782 What is it, Ted? 336 00:20:40,863 --> 00:20:43,774 I have to leave the room for a couple of minutes. 337 00:20:43,862 --> 00:20:46,500 When I return, I'll have a full explanation. 338 00:20:46,581 --> 00:20:50,095 - It had better be a good one. - It'll be perfectly satisfactory. 339 00:20:50,179 --> 00:20:52,534 Excuse me for a couple of minutes. 340 00:21:08,093 --> 00:21:10,402 So, I hear your baby-sitter got pregnant. 341 00:21:13,212 --> 00:21:15,122 Father, more visitors. 342 00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:17,360 - Father Frost is here. - Get off! 343 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:22,000 Right. I believe there's a Mr Benson who's had a whistle stolen. 344 00:21:22,089 --> 00:21:24,363 - That's me. - I have the culprit here. 345 00:21:24,448 --> 00:21:26,836 - What? - Yeah, I stole it. 346 00:21:26,927 --> 00:21:29,076 So what? It's only a bleedin' whistle. 347 00:21:30,566 --> 00:21:32,874 I saw this eejit with a whistle on Tuesday. 348 00:21:32,965 --> 00:21:36,036 Then I heard Mr Benson's whistle had gone missing. 349 00:21:36,124 --> 00:21:40,001 This eejit tried to put the blame on Father McGuire. 350 00:21:40,082 --> 00:21:43,437 - It was my fault for stealing it. - But you didn't steal it, Father. 351 00:21:43,521 --> 00:21:44,874 Oh, right. 352 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,395 He hid it in a packet of cigarettes, apparently. 353 00:21:50,479 --> 00:21:52,434 That must be how we got hold of it. 354 00:21:52,518 --> 00:21:54,826 Father Damien gave me the cigarettes to mind. 355 00:21:54,917 --> 00:21:55,952 (All) Ah! 356 00:21:56,037 --> 00:21:58,425 Right! I have a full explanation. 357 00:21:58,516 --> 00:21:59,471 Father... 358 00:21:59,556 --> 00:22:03,627 I was just about to tell everybody why I stole the whistle. 359 00:22:03,714 --> 00:22:04,829 No, Father... 360 00:22:04,914 --> 00:22:07,552 I've been dying to get it off my chest. 361 00:22:07,633 --> 00:22:11,591 - Ted... - 15 years ago, I met a young orphan. 362 00:22:11,672 --> 00:22:16,061 Both his parents had been killed in a bizarre accident... 363 00:22:16,150 --> 00:22:18,060 That's it - a tree fell on them. 364 00:22:18,149 --> 00:22:22,903 This young man had nothing to his name except a dream. 365 00:22:22,988 --> 00:22:23,976 - Ted... - Shut up. 366 00:22:24,067 --> 00:22:28,059 His dream was to own his own stable, with prize-winning horses. 367 00:22:28,146 --> 00:22:31,615 But he was afflicted by a disease that affected his speech. 368 00:22:31,705 --> 00:22:34,457 He could only communicate by raising his eyebrows - 369 00:22:34,544 --> 00:22:36,135 once for yes, twice for no. 370 00:22:36,223 --> 00:22:38,099 "If only I had a whistle 371 00:22:38,182 --> 00:22:42,094 "so I could train my horses to win the Grand National," he thought. 372 00:22:42,181 --> 00:22:45,172 That same boy wrote to me five weeks ago... 373 00:22:45,260 --> 00:22:46,772 Father Damien took the whistle. 374 00:22:46,859 --> 00:22:50,487 Oh, great. That's that sorted out. See you soon. 375 00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,693 What's all this about the horses? 376 00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:54,733 Nothing. I was just going mad. 377 00:22:54,817 --> 00:22:56,966 I have to say one of those masses. 378 00:22:57,056 --> 00:22:59,967 - When's tea ready? - No tea for you. 379 00:23:00,055 --> 00:23:02,488 Good. I don't want any stupid tea! 380 00:23:03,974 --> 00:23:07,203 Don't put too much faith in people who are "cool". 381 00:23:07,292 --> 00:23:10,727 They're usually on the fast track to a life of crime. 382 00:23:10,811 --> 00:23:13,085 Father Lennon may have had a trendy haircut 383 00:23:13,170 --> 00:23:15,730 but he lacked that inner dignity of priesthood. 384 00:23:15,810 --> 00:23:18,118 - Drink! - With you in a moment. 385 00:23:18,209 --> 00:23:21,756 The Church has no place for bad apples 386 00:23:21,847 --> 00:23:24,758 like Father Damien or the Bishop of Galway 387 00:23:24,846 --> 00:23:28,360 or that friend of Father Bigley's who was sending arms to Iraq. 388 00:23:28,445 --> 00:23:29,878 The list goes on and on. 389 00:23:29,965 --> 00:23:32,558 What's important is that we're back to normal. 390 00:23:32,644 --> 00:23:34,315 You're right there, Ted. 391 00:23:34,403 --> 00:23:37,633 So, have you learned anything from your experience? 392 00:23:40,641 --> 00:23:41,790 No.