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(Mozart: Requiem ) # Rex!
♪ Rex!
♪ Rex! ♪
(Mrs Doyle humming off-key )
Ah, Father. I see you put up the old cross.
What's that all about?
People may be confused about where the parochial house is.
So I put a big cross up in the garden.
I hope they know it means I'm a priest and not some madman.
Some madman's put up a cross.
Lovely.
- Ted, I'm off rollerblading. - All right, Dougal.
(Phone )
Hello, Craggy Island parochial house. Father Ted Crilly.
- Hello, Ted. Dick Byrne here. - Oh. Dick.
I thought I'd wish you all the best for Lent this year.
What? Oh, yeah, Lent. What are you giving up?
Being the biggest eejit in the priesthood?
Seriously, Ted. If we could just put joking aside for a minute.
'Lent is a solemn time of year.'
We've had our disagreements,
but at the end of the day we are brothers in Christ.
Oh, well.
We're making a special effort this year.
I've given up cigarettes, Father Johnson alcohol
and Father MacDuff skateboarding.
And the atmosphere of serenity and devotion to Our Lord
in the parochial house is very special indeed.
Right.
So what about it, Ted? Will you make a similar effort?
Will you join us, Ted? Will you go the extra mile this year?
I suppose you're right, Dick. We should make a special effort.
It'll be worth it, Ted. God bless you.
Goodbye, Dick, and erm...
G-God bless you, Dick.
So, that's it. I'm giving up the fags.
Father Jack can give the old drink a miss
and no more rollerblading until Easter.
Easter's miles away.
A sacrifice isn't easy. Don't forget why we do this.
I know. Because of the sacrifice Our Lord...
More importantly, I'm not gonna be beaten by Father Byrne
in the giving-things-up competition.
And that's what this is, a competition.
We've got to show him what we can do.
Especially after that Scrabble fiasco.
You've never told us what happened.
I don't know how he did it, he must've cheated!
But he got all his words to say "Useless priest can't say Mass."
So no more fags, rollerblading or booze until Easter.
All right.
Who wants their afternoon drink?
Drink? Oh, yes!
- No. - No?!
You said you'd give it up for a couple of days.
- What?! - Offer it up for Our Lord.
Arlord? Who's Arlord?
No, Our Lord. I suppose I made your vow for you.
But I know you'd like to make a sacrifice.
Sacrifice? Arse!
It's a special time of the year for all of us.
Drink! Drink!
You won't find any there.
- I've put them somewhere safe. - Where?
Don't sulk, Father.
Here we go. No more fags for me now until Easter.
Ah, great. No problem there at all.
(Chuckling and sighing)
God Almighty. I don't even miss them at all. This is easy!
Yes, I'm not even thinking about smoking. Not thinking about it!
It's beginning to kick in, Ted.
Me, too. God, this is terrible. I don't like this at all!
Maybe we should stick with it, Ted.
We've come through worse. Don't forget Dick Byrne.
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
- Don't you think so, Ted? - Hm? Oh.
I certainly do. Absolutely. How are you doing, Father?
You all right? Do you want me to...
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah...
- Father? - Is he all right?
I think he's just circling the airport.
- (Doorbell) - Better get that. You Ok?
What? Oh, yeah.
Don't make a show of yourself.
"Yes, Father. Hello, Father. You're so great, Father."
- Oh, you make me sick. - You're feckin' worse.
"Oh, Father, you're brilliant. Father, you should be Pope."
It doesn't impress him. Makes me sick.
God, you're an...
- Ah, Father. - Hello, John, Mary.
Father, you look wonderful. Is that a new outfit?
- We brought you some Easter eggs. - Oh, that's terribly nice.
I think it comes to about £8.
We thought we'd bring it down to you.
We're going on holidays and we're not sure when we'll be back.
- Yes, we're going to Rome. - Oh! So looking forward to it!
We might see your friend.
Who's that, Sophia Loren?
No, Father. The Pope!
He's no friend of mine!
Actually, that might've sounded a little disrespectful. Sorry.
No problem, Father.
Ahhhhhhh.
(Snoring)
(Empty bottles clanging)
(Thud)
(Ted groaning)
(Sighs )
One day. You'd think we could go one day without giving in.
Hello? Hello.
When I think of the sacrifices Matty Hislop made.
- Who? - Matty Hislop.
A drunkard who found God and punished himself for his sins.
He did all kinds of things.
He had this terrible allergy to cats.
So he used to carry a kitten in his pocket.
And sniff it from time to time.
His head just inflated like a balloon.
Fair play to him.
Could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for two weeks?
I know. I know, Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike,
get a great buzz going down to the shops.
But after a while, it just wasn't enough.
I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills.
But I can handle it. I could quit any time I want.
Well, you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't.
You're right, Ted. I admit it. I have a problem.
Come on. No need for that, not now we're getting outside help.
Come on, come on.
God, why do nuns have such awful music when you're on hold?
If I hear Ave Maria one more time, I don't know.
Excuse me!
♪ Ave Maria ♪
- 'Excuse me!' - Yes?
'How much longer am I going to be on hold?'
She'll be with you in a second, Father.
♪ Ave Maria ♪
Hello, Sister Mary Gondola, how can I help you?
Ah, hello. My name is Father Ted Crilly.
Could you send somebody out?
We have a small problem here keeping our Lenten vows.
What do you wish to give up?
Well, erm, cigarettes, alcohol and, erm...rollerblading.
All right. On special offer this month we have the Lenten package.
£150 plus VAT plus booking fee...
That's £200.
£200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
We have a basic offer at £50.
That'll do fine, thanks.
Now, how do you wish to pay? We accept all major credit cards.
- (Beeping) - Hold, please, Father.
♪ Ave Maria ♪
(Snoring and growling)
Listen, I'll have to ring you back.
What's up with him, Ted?
The last of the alcohol has left his system.
He might actually be sober.
Is that it? Are you seeing things as they really are at last?
Oh, my God!
Yes, that's it, all right.
Sobriety for Father Jack must be like taking some mad hallucinogenic.
Where are the other two?
The other two?
Ah, I see. The old vision's back to normal.
- There's just the two of us. - What do you two do, then?
We're priests.
What? Priests!
Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!
Well... Well, yes, Father.
How do you feel?
Must be great to be sober every once in a while.
Or even...every 12 years.
- Chair! - Well done, Father.
- Curtains. - Yes, that's right!
Floor!
All coming back to you, is it, Father?
Gobshite! Yes!
I remember! I remember!
I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage now, Fathers.
- Off to St Patrick's Hill. - What's that, Ted?
A big mountain. You have to take your socks off to go up it.
At the top, they chase you back down with a big plank.
It's great fun.
Oh, I don't want it to be any fun at all, Father.
I want a good miserable time.
k eep me on the straight and narrow.
I met a couple there last year, it did them the world of good.
They were a bit obsessed with the old s-e-x.
God, I'm glad I never think of that type of thing,
that whole sexual world.
God, when you think of it, it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it?
Can you imagine, Father?
Looking up at your husband
and him standing over you with his lead in his hand,
wanting you to degrade yourself.
God Almighty, can you imagine that, Father?
Can you picture it, Father? Get a good mental picture.
Can you see him there, ready to do the business?
(Doorbell)
DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle, the doorbell.
Hey, hey, hey! You there!
What the hell is this?
That's a spoon, Father. Come on, she'll be here.
- Hello... Ah! Sister Assumpta! - Hello, Father.
Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Ah, no.
She was here last year.
Then we stayed with her in the convent in kildare.
Do you remember it?
Ah, you do. You were hit by the car when you went down the shops.
You must remember. Then you won £100 with your lottery card?
You must remember it.
Weren't you arrested for shoplifting?
I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you.
And the police station went on fire?
And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?
The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter!
Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Ahh! Sister Assumpta! Hello!
Hello.
I had no idea you were with the Matty Hislop crowd.
Ever since I read his pamphlets,
abstinence has been both my keeper and my reward.
Great. Anyhow, all we want is the basic £50 job, the bare essentials.
k eep us off the booze and fags and the rollerblading.
I'm afraid the rollerblading is my own particular vice.
Well, we'll do our best. I'm looking forward to it.
You know, I sort of am. Do us good to exercise the willpower.
Father Jack, are you looking forward to it?
You remember Father Jack?
- Yes. - Nan!
No, it's "nun".
Nun! Ahhhhh!
Bye, Father!
He's just gone for his walk.
(Foghorn )
Good morning, Fathers. Breakfast in five minutes.
God Almighty. What was that thing?
Is there a fire in the house?
I suppose it's just time to get up.
It's...it's 5am. Look, Dougal. 5am.
God, I've never seen a clock at 5am before.
(Giggling)
She's obviously made a mistake. Let's go back to bed.
Fair enough, Ted. What are you doing?
Writing her a note to say we don't usually get up till later.
Oh. Good figuring, Ted.
(Foghorn )
Oh, I don't know. A bit of breakfast and I suppose we'll be fine.
- God, I hope so, Ted. - Sister Assumpta,
we're only down for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal.
The getting up early thing, it's great but...
- This is water. - That's right, Father.
All right. Having a bit of a laugh with the thickos from the island.
Where's our real breakfast?
Ted, I'd love a Pop-Tart.
Yes, Father Dougal likes his Pop-Tarts first thing.
I don't think Pop-Tarts have any place
in Our Lord's plan for the world.
They have as much a place as anything else.
Maybe He doesn't take a personal interest
but I'm sure he delegates it to someone important.
- What about Frosties? - The same thing.
Not His idea, but He gave them the green light.
Oh, right. But if you take Sugar Puffs or Lucky Charms...
FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEA...!
Could you please stop having that conversation?
Just finish your breakfast and come outside for a daily punishment.
Fair enough, so. We'll just finish the...
Daily what? I'm sorry, what did you say there?
Your daily punishment.
Matty Hislop's ten-step programme to rid you of pride,
the greatest obstacle to inner fulfilment.
Oh. That sounds...sounds great.
Now, how are we two doing?
- (Ted shivering) F-Fine. - More ice?
No, I might enjoy that too much. Very refreshing, the old ice.
Soon we can begin the ten steps.
What? This isn't the first one? There's still ten to go?
Father, of course! This is just to cleanse you.
- A form of preparation. - For what?!
Are we going into space?!
I can't feel my legs!
Oh, God. Still ten to go.
Hopefully it'll just involve a bit of an old pray.
Ahhh!
Oh, God, I'm looking forward to this. Whoop!
(Screaming)
Ted, guess what she's replaced my mattress with?
Oh, that's it. That's it. She's obviously insane, Dougal.
We've got to get out of here.
- Where'll we go? - We know loads of people.
What about Mwengwe?
His parents are away for the weekend and he's got satellite.
(Sighing) Dougal, he lives in Addis Ababa.
- What about Dick Byrne? - I'm not ringing Dick Byrne.
I know. I'll call Father Larry Duff.
He'll put us up for a while.
(Mobile phone and buzzer)
(Audience groans )
(Mobile continues ringing)
Oh, wait, he told me not to call tonight.
He's got this important thing on.
I suppose it'll have to be Father Dick Byrne on Rugged Island.
Come on. I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral.
Or an autopsy. Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead?
That'll be more exciting.
No, Dougal. A funeral is more believable.
- Oh, right. - Now, listen.
We've got to do this as quietly as possible, Ok?
Don't suddenly panic. If we take it easy, we won't wake her.
What was that?
(Ted) RUN!
(Crashing and pounding down stairs )
(Door opening, shutting)
(Car revving)
(Sister Assumpta ) Quiet in there!
Come on, Fathers, we're to get an early start or we'll miss the rain.
Right.
(Ted) God, what a dump.
They're probably asleep. I'll just knock gently.
Oh, right, so's you won't wake them up.
No, I'll wake them so they can let us in.
But then shouldn't you just knock loudly?
Right. Good point, Dougal.
- Ted, maybe they're not home. - No, I definitely heard something.
I should've known. You just can't trust Dick Byrne.
As priests go, he's a really bad priest.
Yeah. And we've still got 38 days of Lent to go.
I know.
- (Ted chuckling) - Erm...
This isn't what it looks like.
Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.
You won't tell anyone, will you?
I couldn't help it, they were just so...chocolatey.
I can't go back until after Easter.
Please don't tell them I gave into temptation.
She's been eating chocolate!
Oh, God! Please, Father.
You must be so disappointed in me.
If there's anything I can do to make it up.
Well, ah...
Here's a mad idea.
( # Rock)
Hello, Sister. How can I help you?
I'm back, Fathers!
Oh, my God!