1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.tvsubtitles.net 2 00:00:37,418 --> 00:00:39,487 (Mozart: Requiem ) # Rex! 3 00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:44,485 ♪ Rex! 4 00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:48,885 ♪ Rex! ♪ 5 00:00:50,291 --> 00:00:52,758 (Mrs Doyle humming off-key ) 6 00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:57,955 Ah, Father. I see you put up the old cross. 7 00:00:58,047 --> 00:00:59,525 What's that all about? 8 00:00:59,606 --> 00:01:03,040 People may be confused about where the parochial house is. 9 00:01:03,124 --> 00:01:05,796 So I put a big cross up in the garden. 10 00:01:05,883 --> 00:01:09,191 I hope they know it means I'm a priest and not some madman. 11 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,109 Some madman's put up a cross. 12 00:01:14,358 --> 00:01:15,676 Lovely. 13 00:01:21,594 --> 00:01:24,346 - Ted, I'm off rollerblading. - All right, Dougal. 14 00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:26,309 (Phone ) 15 00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:32,264 Hello, Craggy Island parochial house. Father Ted Crilly. 16 00:01:32,348 --> 00:01:35,703 - Hello, Ted. Dick Byrne here. - Oh. Dick. 17 00:01:35,787 --> 00:01:39,016 I thought I'd wish you all the best for Lent this year. 18 00:01:39,105 --> 00:01:42,175 What? Oh, yeah, Lent. What are you giving up? 19 00:01:42,263 --> 00:01:45,458 Being the biggest eejit in the priesthood? 20 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:50,009 Seriously, Ted. If we could just put joking aside for a minute. 21 00:01:50,099 --> 00:01:52,214 'Lent is a solemn time of year.' 22 00:01:52,298 --> 00:01:54,253 We've had our disagreements, 23 00:01:54,337 --> 00:01:57,407 but at the end of the day we are brothers in Christ. 24 00:01:57,495 --> 00:01:59,450 Oh, well. 25 00:01:59,534 --> 00:02:02,285 We're making a special effort this year. 26 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,363 I've given up cigarettes, Father Johnson alcohol 27 00:02:05,451 --> 00:02:07,599 and Father MacDuff skateboarding. 28 00:02:07,689 --> 00:02:12,124 And the atmosphere of serenity and devotion to Our Lord 29 00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:15,720 in the parochial house is very special indeed. 30 00:02:15,805 --> 00:02:17,601 Right. 31 00:02:17,684 --> 00:02:21,277 So what about it, Ted? Will you make a similar effort? 32 00:02:21,362 --> 00:02:25,558 Will you join us, Ted? Will you go the extra mile this year? 33 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,233 I suppose you're right, Dick. We should make a special effort. 34 00:02:29,318 --> 00:02:32,672 It'll be worth it, Ted. God bless you. 35 00:02:32,756 --> 00:02:35,223 Goodbye, Dick, and erm... 36 00:02:35,314 --> 00:02:37,383 G-God bless you, Dick. 37 00:02:49,507 --> 00:02:51,974 So, that's it. I'm giving up the fags. 38 00:02:52,065 --> 00:02:54,339 Father Jack can give the old drink a miss 39 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,732 and no more rollerblading until Easter. 40 00:02:56,823 --> 00:02:58,335 Easter's miles away. 41 00:02:58,422 --> 00:03:02,129 A sacrifice isn't easy. Don't forget why we do this. 42 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,813 I know. Because of the sacrifice Our Lord... 43 00:03:04,899 --> 00:03:08,412 More importantly, I'm not gonna be beaten by Father Byrne 44 00:03:08,497 --> 00:03:10,770 in the giving-things-up competition. 45 00:03:10,855 --> 00:03:13,288 And that's what this is, a competition. 46 00:03:13,374 --> 00:03:15,568 We've got to show him what we can do. 47 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:18,768 Especially after that Scrabble fiasco. 48 00:03:18,851 --> 00:03:21,080 You've never told us what happened. 49 00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:23,921 I don't know how he did it, he must've cheated! 50 00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:28,602 But he got all his words to say "Useless priest can't say Mass." 51 00:03:30,165 --> 00:03:34,441 So no more fags, rollerblading or booze until Easter. 52 00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:35,637 All right. 53 00:03:35,722 --> 00:03:37,996 Who wants their afternoon drink? 54 00:03:38,081 --> 00:03:40,036 Drink? Oh, yes! 55 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,313 - No. - No?! 56 00:03:42,398 --> 00:03:45,116 You said you'd give it up for a couple of days. 57 00:03:45,197 --> 00:03:48,631 - What?! - Offer it up for Our Lord. 58 00:03:48,715 --> 00:03:52,547 Arlord? Who's Arlord? 59 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:57,181 No, Our Lord. I suppose I made your vow for you. 60 00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,863 But I know you'd like to make a sacrifice. 61 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:02,666 Sacrifice? Arse! 62 00:04:02,747 --> 00:04:05,419 It's a special time of the year for all of us. 63 00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,973 Drink! Drink! 64 00:04:08,065 --> 00:04:10,019 You won't find any there. 65 00:04:10,103 --> 00:04:12,570 - I've put them somewhere safe. - Where? 66 00:04:16,860 --> 00:04:18,338 Don't sulk, Father. 67 00:04:21,098 --> 00:04:24,213 Here we go. No more fags for me now until Easter. 68 00:04:26,854 --> 00:04:29,572 Ah, great. No problem there at all. 69 00:04:29,653 --> 00:04:32,688 (Chuckling and sighing) 70 00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:36,762 God Almighty. I don't even miss them at all. This is easy! 71 00:04:39,528 --> 00:04:43,837 Yes, I'm not even thinking about smoking. Not thinking about it! 72 00:04:58,357 --> 00:05:00,824 It's beginning to kick in, Ted. 73 00:05:00,916 --> 00:05:05,385 Me, too. God, this is terrible. I don't like this at all! 74 00:05:05,474 --> 00:05:07,622 Maybe we should stick with it, Ted. 75 00:05:07,712 --> 00:05:10,987 We've come through worse. Don't forget Dick Byrne. 76 00:05:11,071 --> 00:05:12,901 Blah, blah, blah, blah... 77 00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:18,022 Blah, blah, blah, blah... 78 00:05:18,107 --> 00:05:20,619 - Don't you think so, Ted? - Hm? Oh. 79 00:05:20,705 --> 00:05:24,218 I certainly do. Absolutely. How are you doing, Father? 80 00:05:24,303 --> 00:05:26,691 You all right? Do you want me to... 81 00:05:26,782 --> 00:05:29,136 Blah, blah, blah, blah... 82 00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:33,175 Blah, blah, blah... 83 00:05:33,259 --> 00:05:36,090 - Father? - Is he all right? 84 00:05:36,177 --> 00:05:39,292 I think he's just circling the airport. 85 00:05:39,375 --> 00:05:41,968 - (Doorbell) - Better get that. You Ok? 86 00:05:42,054 --> 00:05:43,532 What? Oh, yeah. 87 00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:51,205 Don't make a show of yourself. 88 00:05:51,289 --> 00:05:54,597 "Yes, Father. Hello, Father. You're so great, Father." 89 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:58,314 - Oh, you make me sick. - You're feckin' worse. 90 00:05:58,405 --> 00:06:01,998 "Oh, Father, you're brilliant. Father, you should be Pope." 91 00:06:02,083 --> 00:06:04,642 It doesn't impress him. Makes me sick. 92 00:06:04,722 --> 00:06:07,029 God, you're an... 93 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,679 - Ah, Father. - Hello, John, Mary. 94 00:06:09,759 --> 00:06:12,908 Father, you look wonderful. Is that a new outfit? 95 00:06:15,796 --> 00:06:20,742 - We brought you some Easter eggs. - Oh, that's terribly nice. 96 00:06:20,833 --> 00:06:22,788 I think it comes to about £8. 97 00:06:25,111 --> 00:06:27,066 We thought we'd bring it down to you. 98 00:06:27,150 --> 00:06:30,299 We're going on holidays and we're not sure when we'll be back. 99 00:06:30,388 --> 00:06:34,664 - Yes, we're going to Rome. - Oh! So looking forward to it! 100 00:06:34,746 --> 00:06:36,939 We might see your friend. 101 00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:39,218 Who's that, Sophia Loren? 102 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:44,530 No, Father. The Pope! 103 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,575 He's no friend of mine! 104 00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:54,163 Actually, that might've sounded a little disrespectful. Sorry. 105 00:06:54,255 --> 00:06:56,324 No problem, Father. 106 00:07:04,969 --> 00:07:08,323 Ahhhhhhh. 107 00:07:38,311 --> 00:07:39,948 (Snoring) 108 00:07:42,509 --> 00:07:45,305 (Empty bottles clanging) 109 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:23,125 (Thud) 110 00:08:23,207 --> 00:08:25,083 (Ted groaning) 111 00:08:34,361 --> 00:08:36,112 (Sighs ) 112 00:08:46,195 --> 00:08:50,583 One day. You'd think we could go one day without giving in. 113 00:08:50,672 --> 00:08:53,185 Hello? Hello. 114 00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:56,227 When I think of the sacrifices Matty Hislop made. 115 00:08:56,309 --> 00:08:58,139 - Who? - Matty Hislop. 116 00:08:58,228 --> 00:09:01,741 A drunkard who found God and punished himself for his sins. 117 00:09:01,826 --> 00:09:03,338 He did all kinds of things. 118 00:09:03,425 --> 00:09:05,984 He had this terrible allergy to cats. 119 00:09:06,064 --> 00:09:09,054 So he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. 120 00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:11,450 And sniff it from time to time. 121 00:09:11,541 --> 00:09:14,100 His head just inflated like a balloon. 122 00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:16,408 Fair play to him. 123 00:09:16,498 --> 00:09:19,773 Could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for two weeks? 124 00:09:19,857 --> 00:09:23,893 I know. I know, Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, 125 00:09:23,974 --> 00:09:26,487 get a great buzz going down to the shops. 126 00:09:26,573 --> 00:09:29,529 But after a while, it just wasn't enough. 127 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:32,761 I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills. 128 00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:36,204 But I can handle it. I could quit any time I want. 129 00:09:36,288 --> 00:09:39,517 Well, you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't. 130 00:09:39,606 --> 00:09:43,995 You're right, Ted. I admit it. I have a problem. 131 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,960 Come on. No need for that, not now we're getting outside help. 132 00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:50,508 Come on, come on. 133 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,352 God, why do nuns have such awful music when you're on hold? 134 00:09:54,438 --> 00:09:57,553 If I hear Ave Maria one more time, I don't know. 135 00:09:57,636 --> 00:09:59,273 Excuse me! 136 00:09:59,355 --> 00:10:04,824 ♪ Ave Maria ♪ 137 00:10:04,912 --> 00:10:06,902 - 'Excuse me!' - Yes? 138 00:10:06,991 --> 00:10:09,550 'How much longer am I going to be on hold?' 139 00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:12,017 She'll be with you in a second, Father. 140 00:10:12,108 --> 00:10:17,702 ♪ Ave Maria ♪ 141 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,901 Hello, Sister Mary Gondola, how can I help you? 142 00:10:20,984 --> 00:10:24,452 Ah, hello. My name is Father Ted Crilly. 143 00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:26,497 Could you send somebody out? 144 00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:29,730 We have a small problem here keeping our Lenten vows. 145 00:10:29,819 --> 00:10:31,695 What do you wish to give up? 146 00:10:31,778 --> 00:10:36,326 Well, erm, cigarettes, alcohol and, erm...rollerblading. 147 00:10:36,415 --> 00:10:41,328 All right. On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. 148 00:10:41,413 --> 00:10:45,369 £150 plus VAT plus booking fee... 149 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:47,405 That's £200. 150 00:10:47,489 --> 00:10:52,003 £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine! 151 00:10:52,087 --> 00:10:54,804 We have a basic offer at £50. 152 00:10:54,885 --> 00:10:56,636 That'll do fine, thanks. 153 00:10:56,724 --> 00:11:00,351 Now, how do you wish to pay? We accept all major credit cards. 154 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,591 - (Beeping) - Hold, please, Father. 155 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:09,594 ♪ Ave Maria ♪ 156 00:11:09,677 --> 00:11:12,588 (Snoring and growling) 157 00:11:12,676 --> 00:11:14,870 Listen, I'll have to ring you back. 158 00:11:14,955 --> 00:11:17,262 What's up with him, Ted? 159 00:11:18,713 --> 00:11:21,271 The last of the alcohol has left his system. 160 00:11:21,351 --> 00:11:23,102 He might actually be sober. 161 00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:26,897 Is that it? Are you seeing things as they really are at last? 162 00:11:26,988 --> 00:11:29,137 Oh, my God! 163 00:11:30,386 --> 00:11:32,580 Yes, that's it, all right. 164 00:11:32,665 --> 00:11:36,941 Sobriety for Father Jack must be like taking some mad hallucinogenic. 165 00:11:37,662 --> 00:11:39,413 Where are the other two? 166 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:43,375 The other two? 167 00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:46,575 Ah, I see. The old vision's back to normal. 168 00:11:46,657 --> 00:11:50,046 - There's just the two of us. - What do you two do, then? 169 00:11:50,136 --> 00:11:51,614 We're priests. 170 00:11:51,695 --> 00:11:54,048 What? Priests! 171 00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:57,408 Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island! 172 00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:03,522 Well... Well, yes, Father. 173 00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:04,961 How do you feel? 174 00:12:05,048 --> 00:12:07,640 Must be great to be sober every once in a while. 175 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,681 Or even...every 12 years. 176 00:12:09,765 --> 00:12:13,119 - Chair! - Well done, Father. 177 00:12:15,642 --> 00:12:18,552 - Curtains. - Yes, that's right! 178 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:22,389 Floor! 179 00:12:22,478 --> 00:12:24,672 All coming back to you, is it, Father? 180 00:12:27,276 --> 00:12:30,710 Gobshite! Yes! 181 00:12:31,473 --> 00:12:34,191 I remember! I remember! 182 00:12:36,191 --> 00:12:39,181 I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage now, Fathers. 183 00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:42,541 - Off to St Patrick's Hill. - What's that, Ted? 184 00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:45,618 A big mountain. You have to take your socks off to go up it. 185 00:12:45,706 --> 00:12:48,582 At the top, they chase you back down with a big plank. 186 00:12:48,664 --> 00:12:50,619 It's great fun. 187 00:12:52,182 --> 00:12:55,570 Oh, I don't want it to be any fun at all, Father. 188 00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:57,934 I want a good miserable time. 189 00:12:58,019 --> 00:13:00,771 k eep me on the straight and narrow. 190 00:13:00,858 --> 00:13:04,485 I met a couple there last year, it did them the world of good. 191 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:08,452 They were a bit obsessed with the old s-e-x. 192 00:13:08,533 --> 00:13:11,729 God, I'm glad I never think of that type of thing, 193 00:13:11,812 --> 00:13:13,403 that whole sexual world. 194 00:13:13,491 --> 00:13:16,879 God, when you think of it, it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it? 195 00:13:16,969 --> 00:13:19,959 Can you imagine, Father? 196 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:21,718 Looking up at your husband 197 00:13:21,806 --> 00:13:25,433 and him standing over you with his lead in his hand, 198 00:13:25,524 --> 00:13:29,197 wanting you to degrade yourself. 199 00:13:29,282 --> 00:13:31,841 God Almighty, can you imagine that, Father? 200 00:13:34,519 --> 00:13:38,908 Can you picture it, Father? Get a good mental picture. 201 00:13:38,997 --> 00:13:42,385 Can you see him there, ready to do the business? 202 00:13:42,475 --> 00:13:43,668 (Doorbell) 203 00:13:43,754 --> 00:13:47,381 DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle, the doorbell. 204 00:13:47,472 --> 00:13:49,701 Hey, hey, hey! You there! 205 00:13:49,791 --> 00:13:52,350 What the hell is this? 206 00:13:52,430 --> 00:13:55,898 That's a spoon, Father. Come on, she'll be here. 207 00:13:55,988 --> 00:13:59,376 - Hello... Ah! Sister Assumpta! - Hello, Father. 208 00:13:59,466 --> 00:14:01,615 Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta? 209 00:14:01,705 --> 00:14:03,342 Ah, no. 210 00:14:03,424 --> 00:14:05,653 She was here last year. 211 00:14:05,743 --> 00:14:08,619 Then we stayed with her in the convent in kildare. 212 00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:10,258 Do you remember it? 213 00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:15,127 Ah, you do. You were hit by the car when you went down the shops. 214 00:14:15,217 --> 00:14:19,413 You must remember. Then you won £100 with your lottery card? 215 00:14:19,495 --> 00:14:21,132 You must remember it. 216 00:14:21,214 --> 00:14:24,011 Weren't you arrested for shoplifting? 217 00:14:24,093 --> 00:14:27,879 I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. 218 00:14:27,971 --> 00:14:30,244 And the police station went on fire? 219 00:14:30,329 --> 00:14:32,717 And you had to be rescued by helicopter? 220 00:14:32,808 --> 00:14:35,923 Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? 221 00:14:36,006 --> 00:14:39,474 The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! 222 00:14:39,564 --> 00:14:42,077 Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? 223 00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:47,314 You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper. 224 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,469 Ahh! Sister Assumpta! Hello! 225 00:14:51,638 --> 00:14:53,389 Hello. 226 00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:58,747 I had no idea you were with the Matty Hislop crowd. 227 00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:00,824 Ever since I read his pamphlets, 228 00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:04,028 abstinence has been both my keeper and my reward. 229 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,624 Great. Anyhow, all we want is the basic £50 job, the bare essentials. 230 00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:10,586 k eep us off the booze and fags and the rollerblading. 231 00:15:10,668 --> 00:15:13,897 I'm afraid the rollerblading is my own particular vice. 232 00:15:13,986 --> 00:15:17,454 Well, we'll do our best. I'm looking forward to it. 233 00:15:17,544 --> 00:15:21,694 You know, I sort of am. Do us good to exercise the willpower. 234 00:15:21,782 --> 00:15:24,214 Father Jack, are you looking forward to it? 235 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:26,051 You remember Father Jack? 236 00:15:26,139 --> 00:15:29,175 - Yes. - Nan! 237 00:15:29,258 --> 00:15:30,975 No, it's "nun". 238 00:15:31,057 --> 00:15:34,764 Nun! Ahhhhh! 239 00:15:38,053 --> 00:15:39,405 Bye, Father! 240 00:15:39,492 --> 00:15:41,447 He's just gone for his walk. 241 00:15:46,088 --> 00:15:48,806 (Foghorn ) 242 00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:52,002 Good morning, Fathers. Breakfast in five minutes. 243 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,757 God Almighty. What was that thing? 244 00:15:54,844 --> 00:15:57,356 Is there a fire in the house? 245 00:15:57,442 --> 00:15:59,716 I suppose it's just time to get up. 246 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:05,426 It's...it's 5am. Look, Dougal. 5am. 247 00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:09,585 God, I've never seen a clock at 5am before. 248 00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:11,506 (Giggling) 249 00:16:12,594 --> 00:16:15,665 She's obviously made a mistake. Let's go back to bed. 250 00:16:15,753 --> 00:16:18,060 Fair enough, Ted. What are you doing? 251 00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:21,347 Writing her a note to say we don't usually get up till later. 252 00:16:21,429 --> 00:16:23,384 Oh. Good figuring, Ted. 253 00:16:34,422 --> 00:16:36,174 (Foghorn ) 254 00:16:41,938 --> 00:16:45,485 Oh, I don't know. A bit of breakfast and I suppose we'll be fine. 255 00:16:45,576 --> 00:16:48,806 - God, I hope so, Ted. - Sister Assumpta, 256 00:16:48,895 --> 00:16:52,681 we're only down for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. 257 00:16:52,773 --> 00:16:55,683 The getting up early thing, it's great but... 258 00:16:55,771 --> 00:16:58,727 - This is water. - That's right, Father. 259 00:17:00,329 --> 00:17:03,956 All right. Having a bit of a laugh with the thickos from the island. 260 00:17:04,046 --> 00:17:05,798 Where's our real breakfast? 261 00:17:05,886 --> 00:17:07,761 Ted, I'd love a Pop-Tart. 262 00:17:12,762 --> 00:17:15,877 Yes, Father Dougal likes his Pop-Tarts first thing. 263 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,189 I don't think Pop-Tarts have any place 264 00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:20,234 in Our Lord's plan for the world. 265 00:17:20,318 --> 00:17:22,705 They have as much a place as anything else. 266 00:17:22,796 --> 00:17:25,184 Maybe He doesn't take a personal interest 267 00:17:25,275 --> 00:17:28,027 but I'm sure he delegates it to someone important. 268 00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:30,831 - What about Frosties? - The same thing. 269 00:17:30,912 --> 00:17:33,630 Not His idea, but He gave them the green light. 270 00:17:33,711 --> 00:17:37,496 Oh, right. But if you take Sugar Puffs or Lucky Charms... 271 00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:39,306 FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEA...! 272 00:17:39,387 --> 00:17:42,184 Could you please stop having that conversation? 273 00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:46,893 Just finish your breakfast and come outside for a daily punishment. 274 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:49,621 Fair enough, so. We'll just finish the... 275 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,931 Daily what? I'm sorry, what did you say there? 276 00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:54,771 Your daily punishment. 277 00:17:54,859 --> 00:17:57,974 Matty Hislop's ten-step programme to rid you of pride, 278 00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:00,729 the greatest obstacle to inner fulfilment. 279 00:18:00,816 --> 00:18:04,170 Oh. That sounds...sounds great. 280 00:18:06,733 --> 00:18:08,688 Now, how are we two doing? 281 00:18:08,772 --> 00:18:11,489 - (Ted shivering) F-Fine. - More ice? 282 00:18:11,570 --> 00:18:15,197 No, I might enjoy that too much. Very refreshing, the old ice. 283 00:18:17,927 --> 00:18:20,042 Soon we can begin the ten steps. 284 00:18:20,126 --> 00:18:24,355 What? This isn't the first one? There's still ten to go? 285 00:18:24,443 --> 00:18:27,195 Father, of course! This is just to cleanse you. 286 00:18:27,282 --> 00:18:30,192 - A form of preparation. - For what?! 287 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,554 Are we going into space?! 288 00:18:32,639 --> 00:18:34,913 I can't feel my legs! 289 00:18:37,236 --> 00:18:39,146 Oh, God. Still ten to go. 290 00:18:39,235 --> 00:18:42,146 Hopefully it'll just involve a bit of an old pray. 291 00:18:50,309 --> 00:18:51,980 Ahhh! 292 00:19:20,053 --> 00:19:23,282 Oh, God, I'm looking forward to this. Whoop! 293 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,929 (Screaming) 294 00:19:28,888 --> 00:19:32,323 Ted, guess what she's replaced my mattress with? 295 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:39,161 Oh, that's it. That's it. She's obviously insane, Dougal. 296 00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:41,233 We've got to get out of here. 297 00:19:41,322 --> 00:19:44,437 - Where'll we go? - We know loads of people. 298 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,237 What about Mwengwe? 299 00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,627 His parents are away for the weekend and he's got satellite. 300 00:19:49,717 --> 00:19:53,344 (Sighing) Dougal, he lives in Addis Ababa. 301 00:19:54,914 --> 00:19:58,587 - What about Dick Byrne? - I'm not ringing Dick Byrne. 302 00:19:58,672 --> 00:20:01,583 I know. I'll call Father Larry Duff. 303 00:20:01,671 --> 00:20:03,706 He'll put us up for a while. 304 00:20:05,589 --> 00:20:07,704 (Mobile phone and buzzer) 305 00:20:07,788 --> 00:20:09,140 (Audience groans ) 306 00:20:09,227 --> 00:20:11,342 (Mobile continues ringing) 307 00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:13,779 Oh, wait, he told me not to call tonight. 308 00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:15,933 He's got this important thing on. 309 00:20:16,023 --> 00:20:19,138 I suppose it'll have to be Father Dick Byrne on Rugged Island. 310 00:20:19,221 --> 00:20:22,656 Come on. I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral. 311 00:20:22,739 --> 00:20:26,776 Or an autopsy. Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead? 312 00:20:26,857 --> 00:20:28,767 That'll be more exciting. 313 00:20:28,856 --> 00:20:31,289 No, Dougal. A funeral is more believable. 314 00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:33,887 - Oh, right. - Now, listen. 315 00:20:33,973 --> 00:20:36,532 We've got to do this as quietly as possible, Ok? 316 00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:40,603 Don't suddenly panic. If we take it easy, we won't wake her. 317 00:20:45,647 --> 00:20:46,920 What was that? 318 00:20:47,006 --> 00:20:48,598 (Ted) RUN! 319 00:20:48,685 --> 00:20:51,198 (Crashing and pounding down stairs ) 320 00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:54,996 (Door opening, shutting) 321 00:20:55,082 --> 00:20:57,037 (Car revving) 322 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,708 (Sister Assumpta ) Quiet in there! 323 00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:08,147 Come on, Fathers, we're to get an early start or we'll miss the rain. 324 00:21:10,874 --> 00:21:12,306 Right. 325 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,106 (Ted) God, what a dump. 326 00:21:21,388 --> 00:21:24,059 They're probably asleep. I'll just knock gently. 327 00:21:24,146 --> 00:21:26,420 Oh, right, so's you won't wake them up. 328 00:21:26,505 --> 00:21:28,654 No, I'll wake them so they can let us in. 329 00:21:28,744 --> 00:21:32,257 But then shouldn't you just knock loudly? 330 00:21:32,342 --> 00:21:34,457 Right. Good point, Dougal. 331 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:51,085 - Ted, maybe they're not home. - No, I definitely heard something. 332 00:22:07,163 --> 00:22:10,676 I should've known. You just can't trust Dick Byrne. 333 00:22:10,761 --> 00:22:13,228 As priests go, he's a really bad priest. 334 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,355 Yeah. And we've still got 38 days of Lent to go. 335 00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:18,507 I know. 336 00:22:18,597 --> 00:22:21,190 - (Ted chuckling) - Erm... 337 00:22:21,276 --> 00:22:23,469 This isn't what it looks like. 338 00:22:24,714 --> 00:22:28,148 Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things. 339 00:22:28,232 --> 00:22:30,267 You won't tell anyone, will you? 340 00:22:30,351 --> 00:22:33,705 I couldn't help it, they were just so...chocolatey. 341 00:22:33,789 --> 00:22:35,824 I can't go back until after Easter. 342 00:22:35,908 --> 00:22:38,704 Please don't tell them I gave into temptation. 343 00:22:38,786 --> 00:22:41,094 She's been eating chocolate! 344 00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:43,981 Oh, God! Please, Father. 345 00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:46,656 You must be so disappointed in me. 346 00:22:46,742 --> 00:22:49,618 If there's anything I can do to make it up. 347 00:22:52,379 --> 00:22:55,016 Well, ah... 348 00:22:55,097 --> 00:22:57,166 Here's a mad idea. 349 00:22:57,256 --> 00:22:59,246 ( # Rock) 350 00:23:02,373 --> 00:23:04,966 Hello, Sister. How can I help you? 351 00:23:43,591 --> 00:23:45,899 I'm back, Fathers! 352 00:23:47,789 --> 00:23:50,382 Oh, my God!