Dad?
Hello scary red dot...
Drop to your knees! Hands behind your head! Now, now, now!
Cup of tea?
OK, coffee?
Oh, hey, Dad.
l've now tried 35 diflerent ways to trigger your killer instinct,
and wasted the last of our money on this thing.
I mean, really, what do l have to do?
You're the scientist. But I would suggest...
And don't say ice cream.
Ice cream.
J In _99_
the British Government began a secret project to create the fìrst human cìone.
Intended to be a prototype super soldier,
that experiment went horribly wrong.
Now he and his creator are on the run,
tying to find the key to unlocking the clone's super human capabilities
before the government finds them and kills them.
This is their story.
Hello, Ian,
you spineless bastard!
All right, l'll takgoutf5O.
Oh, Victor, you surprised me.
Why? Because you expected me to be dead
_auseyou betnyed me and turnedon the tncking device?
l had no choice.
Colonel _lack put a gun in my mouth. What was l sup_ed to do?
-Takethe bullet. l would. - forme?
No, obviously notforyou, for me.
l would for me.
Well, l wasn't at all surprised that you def(ected the signa(.
How did you do it? Piezoe(ectric tnnsduceR
Thin-film electret.
from what? Wax? Lucite?
Mylarfrom a chocolate wnpper.
That's stunning in its simplicity.
l hope it won't sound super-gay m l say Victor,
you takg my breath away.
Looh l n_ you to p_ess a DNAsamp(e
fromthegirlwiththe photognphicmemoy.
l can't get on with fixing the clone until l have the _sults.
l'll be in touch about a meeting place.
_y the way, that did sound super4ay.
Hi, lan. l'm som.
- Don't lickme. - l can't make any promises.
Uh, doyou still n_ me?
No. Please take your card.
Your cash and receipt will follow.
Sit down. l've got something for you.
This is a permanent solution to the tracking device in your wrist.
My father's watch!
l am not your father.
And it's not awatch.
l've retrofltted it with a combination or lead and mylar.
By rotating at 12 hour intervals,
it alternatively blocks then deflects the tracking signal.
Retrofltty what-what now?
All you need to know is that to Ml7,
it will appear as ifthey have ''just missed us'' in one location.
They'll lose the signal for 12 hours,
then we'll ''resurFace'' elsewhere.
- Except not really because we're here. - That's right.
And the best part is, l don't die.
Quick glass ortap water forthe road, please Rose.
We actually have a new special this week, it's a drink that costs money.
Oh, wait, the customer is always...
- how does that go again? - Cheap?
l'm sory, sir.
- Pardon? - l said l'm sory.
You certainly said something.
Rose, this man's insulting me.
l'm sory, he's new.
You can't speak to Cecil like that.
Cecil Simpkins is vey senior in the Civil Service.
- Plus, it's bad manners. - It's all right, Rose.
Situation under control. Could l have a word with you, please?
- Does it have an 'S' in it? - You can't say stufllike that.
- Seriously? - Yes, you just crossed the line.
What line?
The line between what you can and cannot say.
lfyou cross the line, it annoys people.
And that attracts attention.
And we don't want attention, because we're hiding from Ml...
Because we're on a holiday. A rather5on holiday.
- Because we love each other. - Do you want another one?
But l iust like that he sounded like a snake.
lt was funny.
Of course it's funny.
He sounds like a fart in the bath.
But people don't like it when you point out how diflerent they are.
Can you give me an example?
l'll give you four.
That man stinks. That man's awoman.
That man got hit with the eczema stick. And what about her?
The woman who looks like she's pregnant in her back?
No matter how much you wanna ask her when she's going to hatch that baby
out or her bottom, you don't.
- You wait until you get home. - And then we can talk about eveyone?
Exactly.
Oh, good a_ernoon.
l came in here yesterday and purchased this paintball gun
from your colleague.
Young man with the bum-flufl moustache and a Ferrari tattoo.
That would be Darren.
Long stoy short, l'd like to return it.
We don't do returns.
But it doesn't work. And l haven't used it.
Then how do you know it doesn't work?
Fine.
Would it make any diflerence if l told you l was a travel writer?
You're a travel writer?
Yes, l am. Why do you ask?
l didn't. Youiust told me.
l hope you're not tyingto influence my review with better service.
You were going to give a positive review to my shop?
Well, it was going to be three stars but between you and me,
it would have been four ifyou had a more liberal returns policy.
l guess l could make an exception just this one time.
Hello?
Yes, l'll tell him.
That was your fourth star. He can't wait to meet you.
Well, here's your refund,
and l look forward to reading all about my shop in the...
Rough Planet...
Lonely Guide... to Earth.
l may shorten it before publication.
Well, have a nice day.
l hadn't noticed you sell squash rackets.
This one's nice.
Do you knowwhat else is nice?
Five stars.
Travel writer.
Who'd have thought?
Laces are a bit worn...
Lovely dress, Rose.
- You really brighten the place up. - Thanks, Arthur.
Get out right now.
-What have l done? - You knowwhat you did.
Pointing out how Rose is diflerent. That was so over the line. Get out.
Now, l don't want anybody else saying this woman looks nice!
She does not look nice! Got it?
l'm sory you had to hear that, Rose.
That's OK. l iust wish you'd saved some orthat for my wedding speech.
Clone, what Arthur said was a compliment. It made me feel good.
So, it's not over the line to point out someone's diflerences
if it's a compliment? Urethra, l've got it!
- l think you mean Eureka. - l'm sure l do.
l'd like to compliment your breasts.
They're the biggest and roundest breasts l've ever seen.
Thumbs up.
What did l do? It's not like l leR one orher breasts out.
My thumbs up applied to both orthem equally.
You get into vey dangerous territoy
when you start complimenting speciflc bits or a woman.
You're about to move the line, aren't you?
The thing is, the line isn't static. It's constantly moving.
Look,
a good rule orthumb with a woman is to never mention things
beginning with a B orV.
Or a C. Or an A. No A. l hate A.
Why do men always think it's a compliment to bring up your A?
dead man.
That's the last orthe wood.
l wish we'diust died in the crash.
Hombre...
Don't give up hope.
Morning, Rose.
Dad, l love the new look.
- What do you think or mine? - What did you do?
l drew faces on my hands. This one's happy.
And this one's Timothy Snelders.
He's a regional accounts manager with a team orthree beneath him.
Normally, behaviour like that would make my leR eye twitch,
but today. Nothing.
What happened today?
And please answer quickly, l have a meeting at four.
Well, Timothy, today,
for the flrst time since l gave birth to a 25-year-old,
things started going my way.
l have a brother?
No, no, no. See, still nothing. No.
Today l discovered that my fake job brings added beneflts.
- l'm going to need you to move. - Pardon?
J Travel writer
SO...
Come on, guys, it's biodegradable!
Cary on eating like that and you'll be three-dimensional soon.
How is a girl who wears so much masculine sportswear still single?
- BaMing. - Is one oryou gonna get the next round
or do we wait till they invent bionic legs?
You'd probablyiust get those run over too.
Do you ever think you could walk ifyou just tried harder?
- What are you doing? He's right there. - Oh, he loves it.
ln that case, Iet's go for a little drive.
Oh. Accident. Eiect, eiect.
Oh, my God!
What?
- That was way over the line. - l was just doing what they were doing!
But we've known him for 20 years. We grew up with him.
lt didn't feel overthe line to me.
Really? Let's ask the paralysed man you just threw on the floor.
l can't believe no-one's helped me up yet.
You can't push a man out or his wheelchair.
Disabled people are vey litigious.
They'll take you to court like that. Provided it's got ramps.
No wonder your son doesn't know how to treat people.
You're his role model and you don't care about anyone but yourself.
Oh, l'm sory!
Let's all listen to the expert parenting advice
from the childless barmaid, shall we? Go ahead, Rose.
- Well, it all depends on the context. - Lost him already.
For instance, ifyou were a black person
you could tell ajoke about being black.
But ifyou're not, you can't.
Unless you've been good friends with a black person for a long time.
Then you can tell aioke. But only to that person.
And only ifthey told one flrst.
And only ifthe ioke you told was slightly less oflensive
than the one that theytold.
- You got that, son? - l think so.
There's one friendly black man who likes jokes. But he's oflensive.
Well done, Rose.
l think you've cracked it.
Forget all orthat. You just shouldn't say something
that would hurt someone else's feelings.
Howwould l knowwhat would hurt someone's feelings?
Who cares? l have a miniature jar or caviar.
Let's party.
Victor O'Jesus?
Hi. Heather Moorland.
Village councillor.
l'd like to invite you to some or BletherFord's local attractions.
- Like what? -Well, the postcard museum,
Britain's smallest hedge maze,
the exhibition or forgotten smells,
my favourite is pumin.
- Pumin? What's that? - Exactly.
Oh, and tomorrow you must come
to the grand reopening orthe Leisure Centre.
- Now Legionnaires-free. - Why would l do any orthose things?
Because you're a travel writer, aren't you?
Yes, l am.
Look, iust because l don't have a wife or children
doesn't mean there won't be people who'll miss me.
My girlfriend will be wondering why l'm not online.
Please, l'm supposed to give her my sort code tonight.
Please don't kill me!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, l'm actually pissing myself.
Surprise!
Hi, lan!
l'm sory l put a gun in your mouth.
l owe you an apology.
This whole Victor thing's a big silly nightmare.
l iust wanted to be totally sure where your loyalties lie.
You know how it is when you have a gun and you want to know something.
You mean you're not going to kill me?
Of course not.
Welcome to BletherFord's famous postcard museum.
Right.
And the postcards are oR
Pictures or famous exhibits from other museums.
Just look, Victor.
Before you are the world's greatest artworks,
all in one room.
Except on postcards.
lt's certainly one room.
Here's the Mona Lisa.
Oh, so much more impressive in landscape.
And above you, a postcard orthe Sistine Chapel.
- Aren't you going to take any notes? - What?
Yes. Probably would, wouldn't l? Let's see.
''lfyou have no choice but to visit
''the BletherFord Museum or Postcards,
''iust go ahead and do it. That's what l did.''
Happy? Right. l better get going.
Got to email this review to Random House ASAP.
But there are still so many Iocal sights l haven't shown you.
Like what? The 25-year-old grandmother or the abandoned fridge?
That's a vey interesting attitude. Perhaps l should call your publishers
and tell them you're writing reviews without doing any research.
So, what's on the leR side orthe museum?
l don't know.
Let's take the audio tour and flnd out.
So the surprise worked? You had no idea?
No, no. l mean, l did see a card going round, but...
lt's fun. We should do it more oRen.
Yes, sir, Colonel Black. Please don't kill me!
Relax, lan. We're at a party.
Don't think orme as Colonel Black.
Just think orme as a colonel. Have you met my Kill Team?
Yes, actually you...
introduced us earlier.
People normally only meet them once.
Nowyou may laugh.
That's enough...
A little more.
Bring me the gun...
... shaped cake!
Don't wory, lan, it's gluten free!
Close your eyes and make awish.
Excuse me, Arthur. l'm in the process or learning about crossing the line.
l was wondering if l could ask you some questions.
Fire away, son.
To me, it looks like you're wearing the skin or a much larger man.
ls it OK for me to mention that? Or should l not say anything?
You shouldiust piss ofl!
l'm happy to do that, but could you just answer my question flrst?
l give up.
Aloha...
dead man.
Nice shot, buddy.
l love Hawaii. No wives.
No nagging. Lots or hookers.
l wish l could mary a hooker. l thought you didn't like career women.
- l like saving money on hooker bills. - Gimme flve!
OK, but you know where my hand was last night!
You are on flre!
Victor, hello!
l'm so glad you could make it to the grand reopening.
Let the leisure begin.
l didn't think you'd be able to top the BletherFord wig museum,
but now you unveil this, an average sized municipal pool,
l'm out or my mind with excitement.
Guys.
l hope you'll both have a splashing good time.
l love this bathing suit.
lt flts like a glove.
Make sure that glove stays right up to your armpits.
Because l don't have a belly button?
Or a volume control.
Now go away, don't splash me.
Clone in the air for awhile!
Thank you so much for bringing me here.
Hi, Rose! Look, l'm swimming!
You must be in heaven.
All the free water you could possiblywant.
You might want toiump in, Rose.
You appearto be on flre.
- What happened to your torso? - Nothing, it's right under here.
Nice trunks, grandpa.
- l'm not your grandpa. - Special needs is what you are.
l don't think you're being completely nice.
Can l win you over with a mery dance?
Look, l don't mean to be a party pooper, but l reallywant to leave.
Any idea how long this is going to go on?
Just another two or three hours.
But right now l have a special surprise for you.
- You're going to brush your teeth? - l got all the local papers to come out
when l told them a famous travel writerwould be here.
With a little luck,
the nationals will pick this up,
and your face will be all over England!
What, no, no. That won't be possible.
- l'm having a bad hair day. - You don't have hair.
- Even some chewing gum would help. -What?
Nothing. Look, l really must go and talk to Clone.
Oh, l'd love to have you and your son in the photo.
Maybe with him in diflerent trunks.
_hey don_ go any higher and your pu__'ing makes my pipe huk.
What's that you say? Pull them up over your head?
l'll see what l can do.
What are you all laughing at?
There's no ioke here.
Unless theioke is... me.
You sir, have crossed the line.
Hey, l knowwhat the line is!
Rose! Dad!
l got the line thing.
Stop that! Stop it!
Seriously, guys. l can't feel my penis.
Will you stop it! Stop it!
Leave my son alone!
- You do have feelings. - Keep it under your hat.
That's the flrst time you ever called me your son when you didn't have to.
lt looks good, but ifyou could just move the fat boy.
Victor we're ready to také the photos.
Great. Good. Let's get this show on the road.
Oh, my God. What's that?
Turd in the pool!
Not again.
You're early.
- You're sure you weren't followed? - Completely.
Here's the DNA sample.
Great. l'll do a complete work-up.
Make sure you use Lab Four in D Block.
The surveillance camera has a blind spot you can work in.
l don't want Colonel Black getting suspicious.
Don't wory about him. He's loving me these days.
Even threw a party for me. Can you believe that?
- What sort or party? - A surprise party.
To say he was sory for putting a gun in my mouth.
All the cool people were there. People who normally never talk to me.
- Like who? - Eveybody!
The Kill Team, the Surgical Unit,
Steve from Nano-surveillance.
Oh, and those geeks from Facial Mapping.
''Ooh, let's make masks or girls and have them kiss.''
People spoke to you by choice
- and they weren't in a call centre? - Yes, it was amazing.
Things must have got pretty out or hand
cos l woke up on Monday morning still at the oMce,
with a splitting headache, wearing a surgical gown
like a bloody maniac.
l'm afraid you haven't made any new friends, lan.
Those people were highly-trained Party Operatives.
Their primay weapons, small talk and cleavage.
But, why would they be interested in me?
They weren't interested in you, lan.
They were interested in making a copy oryour face!
Who are you?
l'm me! What are you doing? You're pulling my face ofl!
Sory, guess l'm getting a little paranoid.
And you're sure Ml7 doesn't know Ihe _n def(ecting the signa(?
We do now!
- Should we move in? - No, you fool.
The Clone's not with them.
Besides, l need their location.
That could be any public toilet in the world.
Give my best to the Clone.
Why don't you come with me? You can tell him yourself.
We're hiding in a village...
l can't have this conversation right now. My head hurts too much.
- l'll write down the postcode for you. - l can't read anything.
This headache's right behind my eye.
Oh, forg_ness sake.
- Here. Take this map. - Ican'tlookata map.
lt's gonna mahe me nauseous. l have to go lie down.
- Do you have children? - Yes, two, sir.
Any good at earning money and raising themselves?
- They're babies, sir. - That's a real shame.
Wait! He's turning back!
Hang on! l can zoom in on that!
Congratulations.
Looks like your lazy babies still have a daddy.
Thank you vey much, sir.
This is awkward.