- Jack, Phil's gone missing! - I know, Sandra called me.
Oh, no... Auntie Joan!
Oh, hello, Roger.
You look like you've come to stay!
I have never come across anyone as strange or as unaccountable as you!
- Georgie! - Hello, Da.
Oh, Jesus!
What you need is something that's going to make the most
of your natural talents.
Well, this is my house...
... and it's being burgled by zombies.
So, you still haven't sold yet?
- No, no. No. - How come?
Well, it's cursed.
- Simple as that. - It's a nice house,
good location, wonderful garden.
OK price.
You've made inquiries?
- Yes. - You might be interested?
Hmm... I could be, yes, I could be.
Good. Well, it's a big house, you know? I mean, er...
And if you mind my saying so, erm...
- ... you're no spring chicken. - Well, precisely.
Most of my friends are downsizing, which makes it impossible to resist
going in the opposite direction.
Mm, well, if it's perversity you're after...
- ... I could always double the price? - Splendid! Very decent of you.
Yeah, and there's lots of stairs for when you get old and doddery.
- That's the sort of thing. - And when you're in a wheelchair,
- it'll be a nightmare. - Now you're really whetting my appetite.
Oh, me too. So, do you want, erm...
... to inspect the premises?
Ah, yes, I'd love to, but perhaps later in the week, is that OK?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Give me a call.
I wouldn't, er...
wouldn't like you to think you were getting a bargain.
- Phil? - Hm?
It's nice to have you back.
Any sign of Joan?
I heard her go in the bathroom about half an hour ago.
Yes, she's awfully fond of the bathroom.
She blames it on the war.
She says she spent it looking for a "comfortable lavatory".
What rubbish!
She was three when the war ended.
And they were living with Gran in a very comfortable house in Fife.
Oh, that's what she said.
I think it's what's known as a false memory, or as we say,
a load of old cobblers.
I think I should tell you, she's changing her will...
... and leaving everything to me.
I've lost track of the number of people
she's changed her will for.
- Morning, Queenie. - Morning, Phil.
M-m-mwah!
Do you want me to stay in the kitchen and get on your nerves?
Or shall I make a start in the sitting room?
- The latter, please. - Righty-ho!
Just so we have a frank and open understanding about it.
Always helpful.
I discovered that when I was in marriage counselling in Tasmania.
Ah, that was a turning point in world history, wasn't it?
- Mm, well, I'm glad you're better. - Better?
Oh, you're referring to my little bout of temporary, prolonged,
inexplicable memory loss, right?
Yes, I'd forgotten all about that.
Thank you. Thank you for reminding me. Yes, I am better.
Better than I think I was, erm...
- ... what was your name again? - See, that's what I like about Phil...
He's always got a sense of humour!
Even in adversity.
Like now.
At least she clears off these days.
Got something right.
Yes, I pay her extra to do that.
So, where's Joan?
- In the bathroom. - Well, that gives us a couple of hours on our own.
Now, the good news...
Dugdale... is interested.
- In the house?! - Yes!
- Really? Did he say that?! - Really!
Hee-hee!
Ah, now, what's the bad news?
The bad news is the surveyor's report: we've got dry rot
in the roof timbers.
Oh, Phil!
Dry rot.
- That was quick. - What was?
Never mind.
Oh, dear... Dry rot, that's not a good sign, is it?
- No, you could say that. - No mention of death-watch beetle?
Very hard to spot.
Well, that's probably why there's no mention of it.
You're never going to sell that house, are you? It's jinxed.
No, you're right.
And I think that you and your coven put a curse on it.
Tea? Toast?
Are there any kippers?
Kippers? You don't like kippers.
I love kippers!
When we went to Whitby, we all had kippers every day. Except you.
Well, one's tastes change as one gets older, don't they?
Yes. Yes, they do.
When I was young, I used to love raw whale blubber and apricot jam,
and now I can't even THINK of it without wanting to throw up.
- Phil! - Hm?
If you're going out for kippers, we need some lavatory paper,
preferably not the kind impregnated with lanolin.
- It brings me out in a rash. - Right, I'm off.
Bye!
- Edith, are you sure about Phil? - What do you mean?
Well, I mean, selling up and going away and all that.
Is it wise? Is he a reliable man?
Phil is the most reliable man I've ever met.
The ones who convince you of that are usually the most untrustworthy.
- Not Phil. - What if you change your mind
when you get there,
wherever it is you're going, and you've burnt all your boats?
What if you decide you can't stand the sight of each other?
Joan, you're envious!
No way! He's not my type at all.
I just want you to think carefully before it's too late.
- You know I've always looked after you, Edith. - News to me!
I'm going to see my solicitor next week.
I intend to change my will and leave you everything...
- Joan, please, not again! - ... before I die.
I don't want you to leave me anything!
I don't need it, I don't want it, and nobody's dying!
Have it your way, you always do, but remember,
you can always change your mind.
If I'm spared.
- So this is the only way on to it? What about cars? - Oh, you're kidding!
It's just a bunch of artists and hippies
and I'm in somebody's garden.
Wow! This is great!
Much better than your last place.
Oh, bags better.
He's going to be back at the end of the month,
so I'll be moving along again.
I could be really happy if I lived in a place like this.
What's up, Roger?
Do you think Georgie's ever coming back?
- I mean, she just disappeared. - That's Georgie for you.
- Oh, you're not sweet on her, are you? - No.
She's a great kid, but you know, you'd be better off taking up
skydiving without a parachute, trust me!
Phil's got dry rot.
Is it itchy?
No, no, in his roof.
The surveyor's report, yeah. He's never going to sell it now.
I could give him a bit of advice on that, you know,
for a consideration, save him a few bob.
- I don't think he's going to listen to you, Bob. - You tell him.
- Tell him what? - He hasn't got dry rot.
The surveyor wants a bribe.
You're telling me there's no such thing as dry rot?
Well, it's very rare these days. Unlike bribery and corruption.
So you think that Phil should give the surveyor a bribe?
If he wants to get over this particular hurdle
and sell his house, aye!
But what if this is one of these rare occasions
when there actually is dry rot and Phil offers him a bribe?
- What's the problem? - He's going to get into trouble, isn't he?
- I don't believe it. - Don't believe what?
That it's all a trick and the surveyor wants a bribe.
- How much do you want to bet? - A fiver.
- See, you don't look very confident. - Let's make it 20.
How can we tell, anyway, one way or the other?
- Just go and have a look. - What? In Phil's roof?! You're kidding!
I don't even know what dry rot looks like. Do you?
Aye, the timber gets all crumbly and anyway, you won't find any.
And then, you just go and tell Phil that it's a bribery situation
and he rewards you handsomely for saving him a packet.
You always make it sound so easy.
It is, Roger, if you've got the confidence!
Joan, how are you?
- Trying to make the best I can of it. - You look well to me.
Then you need your eyes tested.
- Is Edith here? - She just popped round to the shops.
- She'll be back in a minute. - Well, I am a bit early.
You're looking so much better since you left Roger.
Oh, well, he left me actually. But yes, um, now we're divorced,
- yes, things are better. - I always felt so sorry for you.
- Oh? - Being married to that little twerp.
- Yes, well... - How can you have failed to notice
within two minutes of meeting him that he was a total train wreck?
Are you saying that I have no one to blame but myself?
I am constantly amazed by what women are prepared to put up with
by way of husbands. Roger was scarcely house-trained!
Yes, well, he wasn't perfect, but it wasn't all bad.
I mean, he had some good points and, well,
- we were young and inexperienced. - Yes, and he took advantage of you.
We were happy for a few years, really happy.
- Well, I suppose you had to lie to yourself. - Sometimes, it was fun.
Until it wasn't.
I'm going to have to go.
- Well, I'm seeing my solicitor next week. - Oh?
Mm, I'm going to leave you something in my will.
Oh, Joan, um, that's really kind of you, but I don't...
No, it's only right, under the circumstances.
- Finally! Better late than never! - Oh!
Sorry. Got stuck in a queue.
I've just got here.
Kippers!
Oh, good.
Right, Wendy, good to see you,
finally looking happy!
Cuppa?
Oh, Wendy!
I've just been remembering some good times with Roger.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, took me by surprise, too!
- How are you, Edith? - Oh, I'm very well. And what about you?
- Sandra tells me you're writing a children's book. - Trying to, yes!
- And you're visiting the zoo a lot? - Yes, for research.
- What's it about? - Um, well, I'm not entirely sure yet,
but I think it's going to be about a family of animals
that are struggling to make their way through life
and trying to make sense of everything,
but realising that they haven't got a clue and never will!
Sounds a bit like us!
- Does it? - Oh, no! No, no, no, not at all.
Gosh, no!
Wendy has no business bothering you about me.
Is that why she came round?
No. She still pops in now and again.
And we were just talking about this and that and it came up.
- What did? - The fact that she's a bit worried about you.
- And now she's got you worried about me! - Well, that's what mums are for.
She is a pest! I've been bending over backwards to help her.
And she's very grateful. But now, she wants to help you.
She says you've got a permanent cough
and that you look miserable and exhausted.
- And late one night, she found you in the salon, crying. - Snoring!
I was asleep! And I was snoring.
I don't think Wendy knows how bloody hard I work!
Nor, it seems, the difference between crying and snoring!
Sandra, stop.
It's not just Wendy. Give me some credit.
Something's making you unhappy.
I'm thinking about getting a dog.
A dog?
For company.
Isn't that a bit... second best?
Yes, it is.
But I haven't got room for a horse.
- Another slice? - No, thank you.
Well, I'm going to. It's rather good.
- And that's another thing. - What is?
Nothing.
Mum,
I'm keeping up my weight
so that there's no need for you to worry about me getting too thin.
I'm not worried. Things will sort themselves out.
- I just want you to be happy, that's all. - I know.
- Oh, hello, Jack! - Hi, Edith, Sandra.
Wow! Bertie has grown since I last saw him.
He has and he's still at it. I can hardly get him in the car now.
I'm on the lookout for a small bus!
He's a gorgeous woofer, aren't you? Beautiful woofer!
Sandra's thinking of getting a dog.
Oh, really?
Well, it's just a thought.
What sort of breed?
I haven't quite decided.
All I know is that I'm not awfully keen on the type that
wave their tails in the air, you know, and display their bums.
Don't they all do that?!
Yes, well, you're eliminating quite a few there.
- Well, I must be off. Phil's expecting me. Ooh! - Come on.
Come on now.
- Sit down. - I'll leave you two to discuss woofers!
- Bye! - Bye, Edith.
Mum?
I'll call you.
God, I must... I must get going, too.
Yes, you must be busy.
In the swim.
Unlike me. Man of leisure.
Don't you miss it, medicine?
Making a real difference?
Saving lives?
I suppose when I first retired, I did a bit, but...
yes, and sometimes I miss it now,
but, you know, it didn't take me long to realise
that my contribution to the nation's welfare
- was very limited. - Aw! You're being modest.
Not at all, no. I think that most people get ill
- because they're either lonely or unhappy. - Oh.
Well, how do you fix that, then?
That's a good question.
Make sure they've got a bit of cash. Hope that the sun comes out.
- I mean, there are no easy answers, are there? - Pet therapy.
Ah, well, now you're talking. Yes, pet therapy.
Well, um, we're usually here about this time,
if you happen to be passing. If you fancy a bit of pet therapy,
I'm sure that Bertie will be delighted to see you.
Great.
Well, um, see you.
In the meantime, I'll make a list of those breeds that, um,
don't go around with their tails in the air.
Thank you very much!
Bertie!
Bertie, what are you doing?
You go back to Jack.
I think he's taken a shine to you. Come on.
Come on now, there's a good boy. Bye.
No.
Your sister tells me she's going to change her will
and leave everything to me.
- And what did you say? - Well, nothing.
Do you think I should have resisted a bit?
You know, shilly-shallied for a while for the sake of decorum?
No.
- I assume she's already promised it to Roger and Sandra? - And Queenie?
Queenie?! She's not even a member of the family!
You'll have to challenge that in the courts.
- I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow. - Good.
Who the hell's that?
- It's Ann Renfrew. - Who?
She's a debt collector.
Debt collector?
- Are we in debt? - Not that... It's that bloody Roger!
Round my way, we hide when the debt collector comes
- and pretend we're out. - Not for Roger, we don't.
I'm sorry to disturb you, but is Mrs Joan Allen living here?
- Joan? - Oh, dear!
- Are you sure he's not here? - Yeah, yeah. He's at Mum's.
Now, Bob, you just stay down there. You're still meant to be taking
- things easy. Just, um, leave it to me. - OK, Captain!
Oh, what you doing?
- Ah! No Bertie? - Not a huge fan of the house tour.
Ah, okey-doke. Come on in.
See? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Wait a minute. What's that dark patch over there?
Oh, a bit of wet rot from way back.
Nothing to worry about. They fixed that years ago.
Another enormous room.
Vital for the ballooning heating bill.
You'll have to take a new job.
I would. It could be the making of me.
Thank you.
There we are.
- Now, that's Deirdre. She comes with the house. - Ah!
In fact, the buyer will have to sign a contract agreeing to keep
her here for the rest of her life
and in the style to which she has become accustomed.
- Oh. - In fact, the asking price is for the cat.
- The house comes free with it. - Sounds very reasonable.
Mm. Now...
- ... your dog. - Ah!
I'm sure he'll be in awe of her, but if she condescends occasionally
to be nice to him, even gives him modicum of respect,
I'm sure they'll get on very well indeed.
Now, she likes prawns with surprisingly large
quantities of mayonnaise.
Right, I'll give you a tour of the upstairs now.
Ah, what's that?
Watch where you're putting your feet!
Like a crab, not like a prima ballerina!
Here's one more not very cosy and rather pokey bedroom.
Sshh!
What?
- It's Phil. - Argh!
- How many is that? I've lost count. - Downstairs.
This is what estate agents insist on calling the master bedroom.
Good God!
Oh, Roger!
You numpty!
And there's a very good view of the road over there, obviously,
- number 32. - Lovely.
And this... is a very interesting feature.
Yes, yes, and a perfect opportunity for me
to introduce you to my future stepson.
Morning, Roger!
There's no-one up here called Roger.
- Really? - No-one!
I'm a workman.
Methuselah!
Who's up there with you?
Methuselah?
Someone who says he's definitely not a Roger.
Promise me you won't tell Mum?
- Yes, yes. - Thank you.
- You know what this means, don't you? - Mm?
I'm going to have to raise the price.
Oh, that seems more than reasonable. Do the legs come with the house?
- Your mum seems a bit worried about you. - Mum worries for England!
- What did she say about me? - Nothing, truly, just an impression.
Right.
- She's an exceptionally good woman, your mum. - Mm, I know.
- Do you see each other often? - Once or twice a week.
Speak on the phone most days.
And how do you feel about her going?
Well, whatever makes her happy.
You'll miss her.
I will.
It's beginning to get you down, isn't it,
the thought of her not being here?
Yeah.
Yes, it is.
Bertie? There.
Pet therapy.
Oh, Bertie!
Such a fuss about nothing.
Is ã4,327 nothing?
In the general scheme of things.
In the general scheme of things, it wasn't your money.
- Well, I've paid it now. - No, no. I've paid it now.
Joan, you got us really worried.
How can you go for a whole year without opening any of your post?
Well, most of it's junk.
- And I like to keep my house tidy. - What? By chucking it all away?!
- It just got mixed up. - It's a horrible job.
- What is? - Debt collecting.
- I tried it once. - In Tasmania?
Yeah, how did you guess?
I lasted ten days. I couldn't get the threat level right.
That's what they call it: the threat level.
I was trained, it was all very clever, psychological,
but then I'd go round and threaten some poor unfortunate
and they'd just laugh at me.
After a bit, I started laughing, too.
They gave me the sack.
Lots of sunshine in Tasmania.
Absolutely no! No one's going to Tasmania!
- Roger! - What's happened?
A road accident. I got knocked over on a zebra crossing.
- You've been to the hospital? - Yes. Yes, it's nothing serious.
- Did anyone call the police? - I don't think so.
So, nothing serious, but being knocked over
on a zebra crossing sounds serious.
- It was a milk float. - A milk float?
Oh!
- Got its number? - No.
Oh. Why not?
It was too fast.
- It was going too fast. - Yeah, it was a runaway milk float.
Ah! A hit and run milk float!
Oh, I see. Any witnesses?
Could I have a cup of tea, please, Mum?
Yes. Queenie? Oh, sit down.
- So, no witnesses and where was this? - I was somewhere in town.
Somewhere in town where all the witnesses had been poisoned
by Russian holidaymakers?
Phil! Phil, he's in shock! Look at him!
Yes, they said I had to go straight to bed.
Phil!
You could see the state he was in. You were a bit rough with him.
Edith, erm, something happened today that I didn't tell you about.
Um, Roger fell through my bedroom ceiling.
- Why would he do that? - Oh, I've no idea. Perhaps he got lost.
Maybe he was hiding from the men in white coats.
Or perhaps it was his expression of his existentialist freedom in
the context of the absurdity of mankind's place
in a meaningless universe.
- Or he's completely lost it! - Or, perhaps, he just lost it.
Now the lemmings' coats have finally
turned white, a new upper layer has been added to the lemming maze.
In fact, a male has to put up with a lot of feminine hostility,
but since it also takes males to make babies, the male's job
- is simply to ignore the abuse and persist. - Yes!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -