1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:06,400
Kids this is the story of the
cab ride that changed my life

2
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,400
I know it sounds crazy

3
00:00:08,435 --> 00:00:12,200
before all I know my life would be
very different if I've taken, say

4
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:17,400
that cab, or that cab

5
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,800
God knows what will happen
if I got into that cab

6
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,100
I took this cab

7
00:00:27,135 --> 00:00:29,000
and it changed my whole life

8
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,400
But first we need to back up a little

9
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,100
hey any beer in the fridge?

10
00:00:43,135 --> 00:00:44,500
It's 10 in the morning

11
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:45,800
grab me one

12
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,900
so something bad just happened

13
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,600
stella and I were out having breakfast

14
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,300
so my sister broke up with her boyfriend

15
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I can finally say it

16
00:00:57,635 --> 00:00:58,600
I hated that guy.

17
00:00:58,635 --> 00:01:02,800
everything in his month is
I am a vegen, fish feel pain.

18
00:01:02,835 --> 00:01:06,400
I am never constipate.
That guy is an idiot

19
00:01:06,435 --> 00:01:07,500
Actually she is marrying him

20
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,700
I just wanna know your honest opinion

21
00:01:09,735 --> 00:01:14,500
He is actually a real nice guy I
think there is a wisdom to catch

22
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:18,430
Anyway, they picked a date, so, uh,

23
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:19,700
you want to come with me,

24
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,000
so that we can laugh our asses off

25
00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,560
as we watch him walk
barefoot down the aisle

26
00:01:22,630 --> 00:01:23,600
in a hemp tuxedo?

27
00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:24,800
Yeah, sure. When is it?

28
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:26,330
Uh, first weekend in November.

29
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,500
<i>Is that</i>

30
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:28,760
the something bad?

31
00:01:28,830 --> 00:01:30,260
That she invited you to a wedding?

32
00:01:30,330 --> 00:01:31,660
Six months from now.

33
00:01:31,730 --> 00:01:35,100
As in we'll be together
six months from now.

34
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:35,630
Do you guys remember

35
00:01:35,665 --> 00:01:38,100
Barney's whole thing about
making plans in a relationship?

36
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,800
Fourth row.

37
00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:41,360
Ted, no.

38
00:01:41,430 --> 00:01:43,430
You're violating the
date-time continuum.

39
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:46,260
You never make plans with
a girl further in the future

40
00:01:46,330 --> 00:01:48,100
than the amount of time
you've been going out.

41
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,960
You've been dating this
girl for, what, two weeks?

44
00:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,600
Ugh, man, I love Springsteen!

45
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:04,530
He's like the American Bryan Adams.

46
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,160
But Barney had a point.

47
00:02:08,230 --> 00:02:09,660
As soon as she started
talking about the wedding,

48
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,130
it freaked me out.

49
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,760
Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

50
00:02:12,830 --> 00:02:14,560
So I get to look forward to it

51
00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:16,600
for six months.

52
00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:18,930
Which is twice as long
as we've been dating.

53
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,130
Uh-oh.

54
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,730
I'm sure your daughter Lucy'll come

55
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,160
so it'll be like a... a family trip.

56
00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:27,760
Our first trip as our
funny little family.

57
00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:30,000
So that... that'll be super-exciting.

58
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,930
Oh, boy.

59
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,800
Man, they crank up the
heat in these places.

60
00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:37,600
What's going on, Ted?

61
00:02:37,660 --> 00:02:39,960
We need to talk.

62
00:02:40,030 --> 00:02:41,300
Oh. Oh. Oh.

63
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,000
"We need to talk"?

64
00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:45,660
There's only two situations
where you say that to someone

65
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,260
and unless you're pregnant,

66
00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:48,930
it sounds like you broke up with her.

67
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,830
Yeah, I did.

68
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,760
So how did she take it?

69
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,130
I'm only trying to be honest with you.

70
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,000
You know, Ted. I have to go to work.

71
00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:01,530
Stella, can we just...

72
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,530
I don't want to leave it like this.

73
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,260
No, Ted, it's okay.

74
00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:06,500
We're good.

75
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:09,260
Ow!

76
00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:10,800
Look, I know it sounds rough,

77
00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:12,130
but Stella's a mom.

78
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,200
I have to be responsible.

79
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,000
If I'm having these feelings now,

80
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:16,700
what if they don't go away?

81
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,330
What if they just get worse and worse?

82
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,430
and six months from
now, I break up with her

83
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,830
over tofu salmon at
her sister's wedding?

84
00:03:22,865 --> 00:03:24,300
I can't do that to her.

85
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,160
And I definitely can't
do that to her daughter.

86
00:03:27,230 --> 00:03:29,560
It sucks, but I'm
being the good guy here.

87
00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:33,360
This is the right decision.

88
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,930
<i>Which brings me back to the cab ride.</i>

89
00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:42,030
Hello, may I speak
with Marshall Eriksen?

90
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,600
Hey, guys.

91
00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:45,000
Jell-O?

92
00:05:02,930 --> 00:05:04,860
can't believe this you are totally fine.

93
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,360
No, I'm not fine.

94
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,130
I made the biggest mistake of my life.

95
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,560
I want Stella back.

96
00:05:09,630 --> 00:05:11,960
I've left her like ten
messages, but her phone's off.

97
00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:14,900
She's at that arcade Kiddie
Funland with her daughter.

98
00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:16,960
Please.

99
00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:18,600
Let me go to Kiddie Funland.

100
00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,460
You can say that all you want, buddy,

101
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,130
but you're not getting any morphine.

102
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,460
No, I'm serious. I
got to get out of here.

103
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:26,900
You're not going anywhere
until we get the tests back.

104
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,330
You could have internal bleeding.

105
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,160
Your brain could be all full of blood.

106
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:31,500
Think that's good for it?

107
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:32,630
It ain't.

108
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:35,160
This sucks.

109
00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:36,230
-This sucks. This sucks. -Are you...

110
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,400
are you kidding me?

111
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,130
You walked away from a car
accident without a scratch.

112
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,000
A miracle took place today.

113
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,200
Oh, here we go.

114
00:05:45,260 --> 00:05:47,100
You don't think this was a miracle?

115
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,500
There's no such thing as miracles.

116
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,930
March 2006, MacLaren's Bar.

117
00:05:54,030 --> 00:05:55,160
That's terrible. Gentle.

118
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,360
That's in! Gentle.

119
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:58,300
Ow. Here we go.

120
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:01,360
Hey!

121
00:06:01,430 --> 00:06:02,400
Bravo.

122
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:03,730
Cheers...

123
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:12,930
No... way.

124
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,860
That did not just happen.

125
00:06:14,930 --> 00:06:18,760
Am I dead?

126
00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:21,000
Miracle!

127
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,030
A pencil went up Barney's nose,

128
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,060
and you call it a miracle.

129
00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:27,130
Well, do you have a
better explanation for it?

130
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,830
A drunk jackass with a box of pencils?

131
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:32,000
A drunk jackass called "God!"

132
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:36,030
And a box of pencils called "destiny!"

133
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:38,400
Speaking of Barney, I
should give him a call.

134
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:40,060
Why? We're not friends anymore.

135
00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:42,630
You'd want to know if
this happened to him.

136
00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:45,500
Go for Barney.

137
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:46,860
Hey, Barney.

138
00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:48,630
Listen, I have something to tell you.

139
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,630
Oh, boy, here we go.

140
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,330
I've been waiting for this one.

141
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,500
You talked to Robin.

142
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,900
She told you what's under the hood

143
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,030
and you want to take
it for a spin yourself.

144
00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,030
Not even if you boiled it in detergent.

145
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,160
It's about Ted.

146
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:03,200
Ted?

147
00:07:04,330 --> 00:07:05,600
My former best friend Ted

148
00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:07,660
who I asked you never
to mention to me again?

149
00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:08,700
Yeah.

150
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,430
He's been in a car accident.

151
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,260
He's at Saint Anthony's hospital.

152
00:07:12,330 --> 00:07:13,360
Everything's...

153
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:16,360
No, I understand.

154
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:19,160
You've got that important thing.

155
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,400
Okay.

156
00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:22,030
Oh, of course

157
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,230
I'll tell him you love him.

158
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:24,160
Okay.

159
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:26,160
Suit up!

160
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:28,830
He is always saying stuff like that!

161
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,800
-He hung up, didn't he? -Yeah.

162
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:32,800
See, I told you. We're
not friends anymore.

163
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:36,860
My best friend needs me!

164
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,360
What did he say?

165
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:44,360
Ah, a hundred and thir... What?

166
00:07:44,430 --> 00:07:45,530
You...

167
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,730
I'm coming, Ted.

168
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,360
So, what made you change
your mind about Stella?

169
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,860
Well, I was in the cab, and
the car was coming at me,

170
00:07:55,930 --> 00:07:58,360
and you know how they say
that your whole life flashes

171
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:00,400
before your eyes in a
near-death experience?

172
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:01,900
It doesn't.

173
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,430
You don't see everything.

174
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,500
Just the things you love.

175
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:10,300
I realized in that moment

176
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,130
that Stella is the most
important thing in my life

177
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,560
and-and I have to get her back.

178
00:08:14,630 --> 00:08:15,560
Miracle!

179
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,060
Very sweet.

180
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,730
Very romantic.

181
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,560
Not a miracle.

182
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:23,230
July 1999.

183
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,230
Kennedy Airport.

184
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,500
So, did you enjoy...

185
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,930
Amsterdam?

186
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,460
No.

187
00:08:31,530 --> 00:08:32,760
Nothing illegal.

188
00:08:32,830 --> 00:08:35,160
Paintings.

189
00:08:35,230 --> 00:08:37,000
All right, Bob Marley.

190
00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:39,030
Let's have a conversation.

191
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,130
Shift change.

192
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,660
Oh, Amsterdam.

193
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,560
All right.

194
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:56,130
Float on through, brother.

195
00:09:00,230 --> 00:09:02,130
Miracle!

196
00:09:03,330 --> 00:09:04,930
Don't you go into the light!

197
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,100
Don't you do it!

198
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:07,960
Hey, Mosby,

199
00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:10,030
you got a visitor.

200
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,200
Hey, guys.

201
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:20,960
Hey.

202
00:09:21,030 --> 00:09:22,860
Can you guys, uh, give us a minute?

203
00:09:27,130 --> 00:09:28,860
Stella, before you say anything...

204
00:09:28,930 --> 00:09:30,630
I love you.

205
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,300
I love you, too.

206
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,560
Can we just forget about...

207
00:09:33,630 --> 00:09:34,900
It's forgotten.

208
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
Is this your chart?

209
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,160
Okay.

210
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,900
Everything looks good.

211
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,900
I think you can handle it.

212
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,400
Handle what?

213
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,830
This morning he dumped her

214
00:09:55,865 --> 00:09:58,730
and now she's dry-humping
him on a hospital bed.

215
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,560
-Miracle! -Yeah,

216
00:10:00,630 --> 00:10:02,630
you know, I bet if you
call up the Vatican,

217
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:04,730
they will tell you that most
of their certified miracles

218
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,360
involve dry-humping, so.

219
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,660
April 2008.

220
00:10:09,730 --> 00:10:12,000
Lily's kindergarten classroom.

221
00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:13,360
You're gonna go in there

222
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:14,930
and beg for your old job back?

223
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,130
That's crazy.

224
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,660
You hated it there.

225
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:20,660
I-I know, the job market is
just really bad right now.

226
00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:23,260
Hey, kids,

227
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:26,360
who wants Uncle Marshall
to get his old job back?

228
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,560
They'll cheer for anything
if you say it like that.

229
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,900
Kids, a super tanker

230
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,060
spilled five million gallons of oil

231
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:38,530
off the coast of Alaska this morning!

232
00:10:42,030 --> 00:10:44,030
Hello, Marshall.

233
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,300
Mr. Hewitt,

234
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,960
I came here to apologize.

235
00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:48,500
I'm going to go grab some more glue.

236
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,260
Will you watch them for a sec?

237
00:10:50,330 --> 00:10:51,460
Of course.

238
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,860
Leaving Nicholson Hewitt,
and West was a huge mistake,

239
00:10:55,930 --> 00:10:57,230
and I can see that now.

240
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:58,460
So...

241
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:00,030
who wants to see the big guy

242
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,930
put on these tiny hats?

243
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,900
My behavior was disrespectful.

244
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,630
It was unprofessional.

245
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,560
I'm a pilgrim.

246
00:11:10,630 --> 00:11:13,100
I know it looks like I have a tiny hat,

247
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,100
but in reality, I have
an abnormally large head!

248
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,200
I was going through a stressful time.

249
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,000
I wasn't getting enough sleep.

250
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:28,030
Fourscore and seven years ago,

251
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:31,800
I had a great, big giant head!

252
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,700
I had just bought an apartment,

253
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,330
and there were some problems.

254
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,000
I-I don't want to bore
you with the details.

255
00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:43,360
I only regret that I
have but one giant head

256
00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:45,200
to give for my country.

257
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,930
Sir, if you could just
see your way into giving me

258
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,260
-one more chance, I promise...
-Marshall.

259
00:11:52,330 --> 00:11:54,500
I'm willing to give
this a second chance.

260
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,830
I remember my first
years as an attorney.

261
00:11:57,900 --> 00:11:59,600
Why, I don't know how
many hours I spent.

262
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:01,700
I don't think I ever left...

263
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,060
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

264
00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:04,860
<i>I have lice.</i>

265
00:12:04,930 --> 00:12:07,060
<i>Those little bastardsgave me lice.</i>

266
00:12:07,130 --> 00:12:08,400
<i>God, it itches.</i>

267
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:09,560
<i>Don't scratch it.</i>

268
00:12:09,630 --> 00:12:10,700
<i>You'll look like a fool.</i>

269
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,530
<i>You'll never get your job back.</i>

270
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,000
<i>Okay, you can scratch,
but just make it subtle.</i>

271
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:18,600
<i>Okay, that's not working.</i>

272
00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:20,130
<i>Oh, sweet, sharp cornerof the desk,</i>

273
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,760
<i>how I long to rub my
infested scalp against you.</i>

274
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,100
I was, um... just, uh...

275
00:12:28,730 --> 00:12:30,500
You okay, Eriksen?

276
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,200
Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.

277
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:34,400
I am good.

278
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:36,030
Continue.

279
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,030
<i>Mind over matter.</i>

280
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,960
<i>There are no lice in my hair...</i>

281
00:12:40,030 --> 00:12:41,560
<i>laying eggs,</i>

282
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:43,430
<i>burrowing into my scalp,</i>

283
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,730
<i>eating their way all
the way down to my brain!</i>

284
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,600
I have lice!

285
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,200
"Lice"?! Lice! Get out!

286
00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:50,700
Get out of my office!

287
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,360
We've got lice!

288
00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:54,860
Everybody out of the building.

289
00:12:56,130 --> 00:12:57,300
If it weren't for the lice,

290
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,730
I would have gotten my job back,

291
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,530
and I would have been
working there when,

292
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,130
<i>two weeks later, the
Securitiesand Exchange Commission</i>

293
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,430
<i>came a-knocking.</i>

294
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,660
God sent those lice to my head

295
00:13:06,730 --> 00:13:08,860
like he sent the locusts to Egypt:

296
00:13:08,930 --> 00:13:11,400
to liberate me from corporate bondage.

297
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:12,860
Miracle.

298
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:14,960
Hey, guys.

299
00:13:15,030 --> 00:13:16,900
Oh, I'm just so glad

300
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,560
-you and Ted are back together. -Yeah.

301
00:13:19,630 --> 00:13:22,400
Wait, um, what do you
mean "back together"?

302
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:25,760
Well, you know, since you guys broke up.

303
00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:27,560
What? Oh, no.

304
00:13:27,630 --> 00:13:28,730
It was just a small fight.

305
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,000
That wasn't a breakup.

306
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,130
Was that a breakup? Did he
think that was a breakup?

307
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,000
What?

308
00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:39,030
Son of a bitch!

309
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,530
That was a breakup. Wasn't it?

310
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:46,730
You broke up with me.

311
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,130
Yeah.

312
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,660
I didn't know that that was a breakup.

313
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:51,960
Are you kidding?

314
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,330
I-I said, "I feel awful. "

315
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,160
You said, "We're good. "

316
00:13:55,230 --> 00:13:56,530
Then you got up and left.

317
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,460
Yeah, I said, "We're good, "

318
00:13:58,530 --> 00:14:00,000
as in "We're good. "

319
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:01,730
Like when the waiter
comes around and asks

320
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,960
if you want any more muffins,
and you say, "We're good. "

321
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:07,300
Exactly, and I took
that "We're good" to mean

322
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,530
you didn't want any more

323
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,600
metaphorical relationship muffins.

324
00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:12,830
This is crazy.

325
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,330
Forget about all that.

326
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,630
That was a whole
life-changing car accident ago.

327
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,900
I love you.

328
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,260
I don't want to break up.

329
00:14:19,330 --> 00:14:20,730
But you did.

330
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:21,900
You did want to.

331
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,460
And if you had those feelings once,

332
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:24,700
then you're going to
have those feelings again,

333
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,100
and you're going to keep on having them.

334
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,260
And I can't count on that car
to hit you every time you do.

335
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:30,660
What are you saying?

336
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,700
I'm saying...

337
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,100
you wanted your breakup,

338
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,300
you got it.

339
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,460
What?! Stella, wait!

340
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:37,930
No, you know what, Ted?

341
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,830
We're good.

342
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,230
So you broke up with her
and she didn't know it.

343
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:51,500
Apparently.

344
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,330
And you actually said,
"I want to break up"?

345
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,430
No, of course not.

346
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,630
Who says "I want to break up"?

347
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:57,660
That's a horrible thing to say.

348
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,160
Well, that's true.

349
00:15:03,830 --> 00:15:05,030
Hello?

350
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:05,960
Hi, Ted Mosby?

351
00:15:05,995 --> 00:15:10,400
We have you listed as the emergency
contact for Barney Stinson.

352
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,030
What is it?

353
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,900
What it was was this.

354
00:15:21,030 --> 00:15:23,860
I made it. I made it!

355
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,430
Dude, I...

356
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,360
I can't believe you
ran all the way up here.

357
00:15:36,430 --> 00:15:39,530
Jeez. Flatter yourself much?

358
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,960
What an ego on this guy.

359
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:44,160
Um, I was up in this part of town

360
00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:45,730
because I had to attend

361
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,030
a very important
international business meeting.

362
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:53,630
If you're here to come
crawling back, just save it.

363
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,760
I'm doing awesome without you.

364
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,530
Even better now, 'cause I can play

365
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,360
the sympathy card with the females.

366
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:02,430
And BTW,

367
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,960
there's one bone downstairs
that ain't broken.

368
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,560
Marshall,

369
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:09,460
you know what I'm talking about.

370
00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:11,100
Up top!

371
00:16:12,830 --> 00:16:14,400
Are you sure?

372
00:16:14,460 --> 00:16:16,900
Yeah, dude. Why do you think
I had them set it this way?

373
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,230
Okay.

374
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,430
Worth it.

375
00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:30,860
Barney, you, uh...

376
00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:32,760
You could've died.

377
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,430
Ted, I'm sorry I broke the bro code.

378
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,930
No, I'm-I'm sorry.

379
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,330
Ted, can we be friends again?

380
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,860
Barney, come on, we're...
we're more than friends.

381
00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,130
We're brothers.

382
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,530
You're my brother, Ted.

383
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:52,600
You're my brother, Barney.

384
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,730
Did you hear that, Marshall?

385
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,260
We're brothers now.

386
00:16:57,330 --> 00:16:58,600
Marshall's my brother, too.

387
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:01,360
We're all brothers.

388
00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:03,230
Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right?

389
00:17:04,630 --> 00:17:05,800
And that's how your Uncle Barney

390
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:07,360
and I buried the hatchet.

391
00:17:07,430 --> 00:17:09,160
It got pretty mushy and
embarrassing after that.

392
00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:10,960
<i>Let's skip ahead.</i>

393
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,130
I had to look away because if I watched

394
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,730
what the paramedics were about to do,

395
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,900
I would have passed out.

396
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,630
Then they took out this

397
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:21,130
electric blade thing
and I kept thinking,

398
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,330
"This isn't happening.
This isn't happening. "

399
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,630
Oh, my God. What did they cut?

400
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,730
My suit.

401
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,030
My beautiful suit.

402
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,500
But you're alive, and, and Ted's alive.

403
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,130
This is amazing!

404
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,460
Two miracles in one day.

405
00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:43,130
What is the matter with you?

406
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,300
How can you possibly be this cynical?!

407
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,300
-You want to know? -Yeah.

408
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,900
-You really want to know? -Yeah!

409
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,460
Fine.

410
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:51,900
When I was a kid,

411
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,660
I had this dog, Sir Scratchawan.

412
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:58,530
Anyway, Sir Scratchawan got really old,

413
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,500
so my parents decided to put him down.

414
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,060
It was the toughest
day of my young life.

415
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:05,930
Good-bye, Sir Scratchawan.

416
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,400
I love you.

417
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,200
And when they took him to the vet,

418
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:14,130
he told them that earlier that very day,

419
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,900
he had learned about an
experimental procedure

420
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,060
called a canine/testudine
cerebro-xenograft.

421
00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:20,330
Ever heard of it?

422
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,700
No.

423
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,230
Well, it saved Sir Scratchawan's life.

424
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,630
He lived another seven years.

425
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:28,000
-Miracle. -Except for one...

426
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:30,360
kind of big side
effect from the surgery.

427
00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:32,430
Sir Scratchawan!

428
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,060
Welcome home!

429
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:38,260
He turned into a turtle.

430
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:41,030
I know. It's weird, right?

431
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:43,630
Apparently, a very common complication

432
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:47,000
from canine/testudine
cerebro-xenografts.

433
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:50,100
And he didn't seem to
remember any of his old tricks.

434
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,230
Go get it, Scratchy.

435
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,200
Go get it!

436
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:56,360
Go get it! Get it!

437
00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,800
Go get it, Scratchy.

438
00:18:57,860 --> 00:18:59,260
Go get it.

439
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,060
How long was it before...?

440
00:19:03,130 --> 00:19:05,060
Longer than I'm proud of, Lily.

441
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:07,260
Longer than I'm proud of.

442
00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,100
And that's when I realized

443
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,560
miracles ain't real.

444
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,660
Excuse me.

445
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:17,400
Mosby, you're still here?

446
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,230
Your tests came back, like,
an hour ago. You're fine.

447
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,130
Are you kidding me?Why
didn't you tell me?!

448
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,800
I'm sorry.

449
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:25,930
I guess it was rude of me to
keep resuscitating that guy

450
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,700
with a rake sticking out of his chest.

451
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,160
Um, I have to go right now. Barney, I...

452
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:33,130
Go.

453
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,160
Run, Ted. Run.

454
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:38,460
If there's anything I've taught
you over the years, it's...

455
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:40,400
Barney, he left.

456
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,730
Hey, Ted said that right
before the accident,

457
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,160
his life flashed before his eyes.

458
00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:46,660
You know, all the stuff he loves.

459
00:19:46,730 --> 00:19:48,500
-Did that happen to you? -Oh, yeah.

460
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,030
-I know what he saw: boobs.
-Scotch.

461
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:52,600
And money.

462
00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:54,200
-Suits. -A suit of money.

463
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,430
A suit of boobs.

464
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,330
A giant boob wearing a suit of money.

465
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,800
And the boob is lactating scotch.

466
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,700
I guess that's pretty much
everything you love, right?

467
00:20:06,130 --> 00:20:08,360
Yeah, pretty much.

468
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,630
<i>i>Kids, a lotof weird, random things</i>

469
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:14,100
<i>have happened in my life,</i>

470
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,130
<i>but that car accident is one of the few</i>

471
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,400
<i>I'd call a miracle, not
because of what happened,</i>

472
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,760
<i>but because of what happened next.</i>

473
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,060
Can I talk to you?

474
00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:31,060
Okay.

475
00:20:34,530 --> 00:20:36,900
I got you this orange kangaroo.

476
00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:40,560
Uh... thanks.

477
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,430
So I've been thinking about what changed

478
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,100
from the moment I broke up with you

479
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,730
to the moment I knew I wanted you back.

480
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,360
And, um, I think I finally
figured out what happened.

481
00:20:52,430 --> 00:20:55,500
Your cab got T-boned by
a jackass on a cell phone?

482
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,160
No. I changed.

483
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:01,230
I'm ready to give you what you need.

484
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:02,700
That's why I spent

485
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,860
ten minutes on the damn claw machine

486
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,530
trying to get the
big, fake diamond ring.

487
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,860
But all I could get was
this orange kangaroo.

488
00:21:10,930 --> 00:21:12,900
Diamond ring?

489
00:21:13,930 --> 00:21:16,400
Will you marry me?