Girls...
Can Daddy talk to you for a minute?
You know how sometimes bad things happen,
like when Granny passed away, or, or...
.. or when you found Mr Nibbles in the toilet?
But we stayed strong, didn't we?
And...
I'm afraid daddy has some pretty horrible news.
I'm not going to make it to sports day.
I'm so sorry.
You're not doing sports day, Kev?
What are you trying to say, Anne?
What exactly is your point?
- Nothing. - I'm sorry.
I've just... I've just got a big presentation at work.
My manager chose today of all days.
Oh, God, I remember that feeling. The crushing guilt, the guilt!
The guilt at missing sports day,
the guilt at missing the nativity play, assemblies.
Hate sports day.
Last year I scheduled a colonoscopy, but it got postponed.
Bloody NHS.
What have I become?
When did I let Donna rule my life?
"Send me pics of my girls doing their races.
"Please, don't forget."
Right, let's get to the stadium, ladies.
It's a field and it doesn't start till 11.
Eh? I thought it was first thing. I pulled an all-nighter just to clear my inbox, I missed Holby.
I saw it. G ward went on fire, then your man with the...
No, thank you, Anne. Sorry, no, I'd like to watch it on catch up, thanks.
Sorry.
He died. Sorry.
Um, right, I have to go help set up sports day, so...
Shouldn't you be in labour?
Don't joke.
Still have to move house before the little muffin arrives.
My husband insists on having his own room,
so we need four beds now.
Oh, my God, you're so lucky. I wish Paul insisted on having his own room.
He sleep farts all through the night.
It sounds sweet, but it's actually incredibly upsetting.
Chris suffers from night terrors.
He tried to strangle me in his sleep once.
Cheerio.
Right, what is the plan? Caff?
No, I've got a warm shepherd waiting for me in bed,
and just enough time for a quick one before he has to get his train home.
Room for a little 'un? Sorry, don't know why I said that.
I've never done that.
All right, I did have a threesome once at uni but absolutely not with a friend.
And actually, when I think about it, when you boil it down,
it was just me watching two, as it turns out, gay guys going at it.
Yeah, I'm going to go now.
I'm going to head off there, bagsy the best spot, yeah? I'll see you later.
Mum!
Mother! Marion!
Mummy, Mum!
Mum! Mum!
- Mum? Mum, hi. - Hi.
No unauthorised personnel during the set-up.
Yeah, I'm just here to speak to my mother. Thank you, Mrs Lamb.
Copy that.
Me and Irene were just going to collect the snack boxes.
Me and Irene?
- Mrs Lamb? - What are you doing here? Huh? Has something happened?
No, I'm here for sports day. What are you doing here?
- They ask all the school governors. - School governor, my arse.
- I'm a school governor, Julia. - Yes, all right.
- What do you want, a bloody medal, Mother? - Are you staying? You want me to cover? - Yes, I'm staying!
I'm here, I'm doing it, I'm doing the...
Unbelievable.
Well, I'll give you a shout in a bit, then. Bye.
Oh, yeah, Mum, Mum, Mum, sorry.
Just while you're busy marrying Irene, I'm going to be here on the front row,
just by the, er, race track here,
just getting ready for the first race which is at 11:35.
James is in that, your grandson.
Er, he'll be doing the sack race.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go and set up my picnic.
Ooh.
- All right, Andy Murray's mum. - Ooh!
Nice spread.
Yes, best seat in the house.
You can literally see everything from this vista.
Three-legged, er, tug-of-war,
the...
.. spoony.
And, most importantly, Liz, my kids can see me.
Is that Johnny with Amanda?
It looks like he's smiling.
I didn't think he could smile.
He looks taller too.
Well, we'd all be taller if we'd just broken up with Amanda.
Taller, younger, happier, stronger.
Hey, get your shepherd's pie?
Let's just say I've got grade five cystitis.
I was going to give him something to remember me by.
What do you reckon?
God, what is this?
What do you think it is? It's my tits.
Which one do you think?
What... what do you mean? Left or right?
No, obviously the left.
Which picture?
God, I just don't want to see your boobs that many times.
Um...
Yes, that's nice. That's... that's very nice.
It looks very cheery in that one,
but I'd just lose that filter and try to crop out your chin.
Hey, let the games begin.
Cheers.
What's happening? Where's everyone going?
How do they know what she's saying?
Hey! Watch it, you animal!
So, Lesley, Lesley. Are we going to get going soon?
- Er, what do you mean? - You're playing fussball?
Er, I thought today was about pitching ideas?
Well, yeah, we're just loosening up. It's all part of the brainstorm.
Um, it, it's just I... I was scheduled for 11.
- Let's go. - Come on, girls. OK, er. - Let's go.
Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.
So, um, when Lesley tasked me with looking at
how to improve the range...
- Birthday party leftovers! - Oh, yes! Yes!
Kev? Kev? Watch this.
There we go. There we go.
Got it. Ah, there she is.
- I was about to send out a search party, Anne. - Oh, sorry.
It's my ankles, they're swollen with the water retention.
They sort of bang together when I walk.
- That's horrible to hear. - Yeah.
- Is that soy milk? - Er, no, it's oat's milk.
Oat milk, Anne.
Not oat's. You're thinking of goats.
I wasn't thinking of goats, no.
I did actually say soy, but it's fine. Don't worry.
Sorry, sorry.
Er, excuse me.
- Where are you going? - Toilet. - OK! Go do your thing.
- Johnny is on top form. - He's looking great, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah.
My dad was like that when he finally divorced mam, yeah.
It's kind of like a butterfly, you know? Free, happy, at last.
Yeah.
Actually, Anne, I really would prefer another coffee.
- This one's undrinkable. - Yeah, OK.
Oh, no, no, no. You're not leaving me!
Cystitis calls. I think it's reached my kidneys.
- Then I'm going to watch the long jump. - Well, I'll just
- be here, yeah? - Are you not going to watch the long jump?
- No, no, no. James isn't in that. - Yeah, he is. - What? Shit.
- Shitting... - Jules. Guten tag.
Hi, hi! Um, there's some crisps.
They're a bit crushed but... I thought you were in, um, Germany?
I was. I told Jade that I was going to come and watch her
- run her 20 metres. - What, you flew back for this?
Yeah! Ich bin ein total freaking hero. She better bloody win.
Come on.
Come on!
Come on, come on, come on!
Yes! Good job!
Ahh, come here!
Aw, babe. Yay!
Well done! You are so clever.
I gotta go, I gotta go.
Yeah. That's my girl.
Right, got to go. Got to be in Reading for one.
Meg, would you mind just watching my blanket while I go over
- and see James in the long jump? - Yeah, I'll just phone my PA
and tell them to cancel my meeting cos I've gotta mind a blanket.
- Great. - No. See you later.
- Anne! Anne. - Hi. - Anne, would you mind just watching my blanket
- while I pop over and see James in the long jump? - I have to
- get Amanda's... - There's crisps in the bag. - Oh, yeah.
The story of contained play began in 1982 with this guy, Joe.
Now, Joe had a vision and his vision was soft.
Now, fast forward to 2020.
Very... very droll.
What's all this?
What? It's sports day. I'm supporting my boy.
Oh, Harper, this is your beautiful auntie Liz.
- Hello, hello. - I heard Debbie dumped you.
No. No, no.
- It was, that was a mutual agreement. - Mm.
- You mutually agreed you're a waste of space. - That's nice.
I, er...
I've got a big Guinness shit brewing, yes, I do!
Please tell me you're not taking the baby in with you?
Why, what's the problem? I'll just lay her down on the floor.
You're a pig! Give her here.
Thanks.
7cm.
Got something on your top.
Lee's new one, Harper.
Hey, hello.
- You're sweet, aren't you? - She is.
How can that anal swab of a father make such cute children?
- Do you hear from Sam Shepherd? Did he respond to your mucky pic? - Nah.
Probably just passed out on the train with sex fatigue.
Ooh, there's James. James! James, mate! James, come here.
Get a photo for Daddy.
Come on, lovely.
Smile for Dada.
No photography allowed, Mrs Johnstone.
What's she saying?
She's asking if you've got any cream for her itchy anus.
No, it was no photography. Put your phone away.
What? That's... that's, that's the whole point.
Evidence.
- For memories, creating memories. - Everything OK?
Yes, everything's fine, thanks, Mother.
You can go if you've got stuff to do.
I don't want to go! My God, where would I go?
I'm having the time of my life. Here he is. Come on, James.
Come on. Come on, James.
Go for it, jump for it, James! Come on!
What's Goebbels saying now?
- Sports day is non-competitive. - What?
You're not allowed to shout out the name of your kid
or you get Tasered. Did you not read the e-mail?
You can only shout out generic phrases like "Go on" or "Good job".
What kind of snowflake academy is this?
It's all right to shout out the name of their house.
- James is in Wandle. - Yes, I know what house my children are in, Mother!
- Yeah, well, they're not both in the same house, Julia. - Yes, I know.
I know. Good job...!
- Wandle. - .. Wandle! - Yes!
Soft forest, er...
.. soft House of Commons.
In fact, let's see what that might look like.
The options for creating indoor play worlds are endless.
- Lesley, Theresa. - Sorry.
See I, I've been preparing this all week.
- We were listening. - Yeah, so what did I just say?
Yeah, I thought so. Goodness.
Sorry, Kev. It is funny, though.
Oh, God, you gotta look. You gotta look!
This is just wasting my time.
You know, I... I... I could be with my girls right now!
I'm missing sports day for this. I love sports day!
And I just...
OK, OK.
You know what,
F this S! You don't need me here.
My girls need me.
And, if I go right now, I'll make it for the dads' race.
So, I'm going to go.
I'm going.
I'm, er...
Bye.
Damn it.
Ooh, that's a great do-upper.
Might be nice to have a hobby for when the new, tiny baby comes.
Yeah, that's definitely the best time to do it.
Oh, God, this is nerve-racking. Ivy's next.
We practised this the other day.
Led to a good conversation about strengths and weaknesses.
Right, here she goes.
That throw was rubbish.
Good job, well done!
Hey, she doesn't like this smile.
Just keep your face neutral.
Like a passport photo but give her a confident thumbs up.
Thanks, babe, yeah. That went well.
Come on, come on, come on!
- Oh. - Oh, dear. What's wrong?
- Sam sent me a thumbs up. - Sure it's his thumb?
Thumbs up emoji.
That's a positive. I'd be dead chuffed
if I got a thumbs up emoji for these old danglers.
Going to tell him to do one.
No, don't do that, Liz.
He may be up to his armpits in sheep dip.
No, been here before. It's a bloody brush off.
Why never me?
Why do the good 'uns run a mile but the bellends cling on?
Can't tell you the amount of frogs I had to kiss before I found the one.
- How many, Anne? - God, now you're asking. Um...
.. two. That's not even counting the Belgian lad
from our school camping trip.
Right, baby wants some choccies.
Where the bloody hell is Lee?
Are you hungry?
I was thinking we could take the kids to Giraffe for supper.
Or maybe Carluccio's.
You love those arancini balls.
Oh, Manus is up.
You mark my words, ten years from now Manus could be throwing
a beanbag at the Commonwealth Games.
If he wants to.
If he wants to be a lawyer or be gay, that's fine, too.
Well, that was the longest Guinness shit in the Guinness book
- of shit records. - Where you been? I've been looking all over for you.
Suits you, that does. Carrying my baby.
- Suits you. - Oh, come here.
- I think she likes you. - Oh, God.
Debbie dumps you so now you're trying to get off with me?
Come on, we both know you still fancy me.
I'll be honest, I fancy those toilets more than I fancy you.
Least they're supposed to smell like a toilet.
You might as well know, I'm seeing someone.
Oh, what, that geezer who gave your tits the thumbs up, you mean?
It's just that I overheard preggers Irish talking about it.
You know what, that's so cold.
I wouldn't even give my granny's tits the thumbs up.
I've said it before but it never stops being true.
You're a dick.
Good luck, Harper.
Oh, there you are. Come on, it's Ivy's big race.
She'll do anything, anything to win anything.
She's never won anything.
Not that's the point. I really hope she gets a medal.
- All the kids get a medal, love. - God, look, she's tied to Lisa.
That is good news. She is built like a brick shithouse.
You can't call an eight-year-old girl a shithouse, Julia.
OK, fine, a tank, whatever.
And they're off!
- Yes, come on, Wandle! - Ivy's in Fleet.
OK, come on, Fleet! Fleet, come on!
Good running, good job, good job. Oh, my God, she's in the lead.
You bloody beauty, Ivy!
Come on, Ivy! Push through!
Ivy, come on, you're winning, you're winning! She's won!
My kid won!
Screaming support for individual children is not appropriate
in a non-competitive environment.
Yes, but it's not sports day without competition, is it?
It might as well just be a, a litter pick, you know.
I saw a mum over there, she was giving her kid
Dextro Energy Tablets. What do you think about that?
- He's diabetic. - Answer the question. You can't.
I rue the day that I gave you
a bottle of Drambuie at Christmas, Mrs Lamb.
Yes, I know. I know!
I'm going over here.
I'm walking over here.
Kevin? What, is it?
I walked out.
Please ask Mrs Lamb, I'm nearly there.
Just five minutes.
Delay the dads' race.
Please ask, delay the r...
Er, Kevin, it's a bit tricky because I, um...
Please.
Yeah, OK.
Shit.
Irene. Hi.
Irene, I was just wondering, could we just delay the, um,
dads' race, for Kevin Brady, just for a few minutes?
- No. - He's so eager to do it.
He's just, he's very much en route.
We have 42 races scheduled.
Mr Brady knows the dads' race is not compulsory, it's just for fun.
Fun? You call this fun?
Ha-ha!
Drowning would be more fun.
I actually can't believe I felt guilty
for missing this all these years.
Would all participants in the dads' race please go to the starting line.
- That's all participants in the dads' race. - Can I borrow this? Thank you.
- Just one minute, oh, thank you so much. - Mrs Johnstone...
Hello, everyone. So sorry and I know it's been a long, long, long day
with what amounts to cattling in-between. Um, and I know that
everyone is very tired and emotional. I know that
I certainly am, I've got a migraine.
No, just one minute, please. Can I just say...
- Does she know no-one can hear her? - Oh, Julia.
If you could all just, um, string the arse out of this just a few...
.. so that Kevin Brady can take part. You all know Kevin.
He's, um...
He looks like a vegetarian. He's not. No! Thank you.
Sorry, I just. All I want to say is that he loves sports day.
So, please, all those in favour of delaying the dads' race,
please say "Aye".
Nay.
Afternoon. Nice of you to join us.
- What was that, Mandy? - Oh, I... It's Amanda.
- I was just saying it's nice of you to join us. - You crack me up.
Yeah, it is nice of me to join you.
I flew in from Germany this morning
and I bombed it back from Reading to be here for the mums' race.
- OK, well, I... I wasn't like... - Just listen to yourself, Mandy.
Why are you so judgmental?
If this is about you needing to advertise to the world
that you're an amazing mum, and you are an amazing mum.
As am I, as are we all.
God! What is wrong with everyone?
All dads to the starting line, final warning...
The dads' race. The dads' race will be commencing in ten,
nine, eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two and one.
I won! I won the race! Girls, Daddy did it! Come on!
The dads decided last minute to run with their kids, so...
Suppose you had to know that to know that.
What was that about? Irene's livid!
Oh, no, Irene's livid!
What about me, Mother? I'm fucking apoplectic.
I'm spitting flipping bloody feathers here!
Julia, don't be...
What's the matter?
It's just all so...
.. disappointing, as a day.
It's just really, really gruelling, you know, and long.
It just takes so long and then just...
.. a whole day of my life just up in smoke.
All those mums trampling on my picnic blanket, crushing my crisps.
- Julia... - Oh, God, I didn't even get to cheer them on!
You know, I just wasn't even allowed to do that!
Well, but you were there, that's the most important thing.
I used to remember when I was, you know, little,
- you being in the crowd and really geeing me on. - What?
You know, you being at the front at sports day.
And it's just a...
.. really...
.. proper wonderful memory for me, Mum.
I never went to sports day.
The first sports day I went to was Ivy's.
Oh, yes, you did, Mum. You remember, goodness' sake. You had that top,
that pink, don't you remember? That pink, um, top, do you remember?
You'd be cheering me on. There's a photo of you, Mum.
Well, I don't know what that was.
I mean, there's a photo of me cheering you
and your sister on at Butlins, if that's what you're thinking of?
God, you... you properly got me there, Mum.
You rotter.
I wasn't there, Julia.
That... that does not look like a council-approved side return, Anne.
Unless they did it pre-1975 which that does not look like.
No devices!
- Jesus Christ! - Thought you'd gone to Reading? - Yeah, 57 minutes
- down the M4. Boom, now I'm back. - Nice one, you lunatic.
- Are you looking for a house, Anne? - Yeah, yeah.
Christ, that one looks like it's been designed by androids.
Sweet Jesus tonight. That's Amanda's house.
There is no way she's put that on the market. Oh, God.
Yeah, there's her Nespresso machine.
- Oh, Jesus, there's her Nutribullet. - She never mentioned anything to me.
Do you think Johnny did it? Poor Amanda.
What do you care? None of my business,
but Amanda treats you like shit.
People don't appreciate you, cut 'em loose.
I just feel bad for her, you know. All that shaving.
All the effort she goes to and no-one loves her,
and now her husband's left her.
I just think she needs all the friends she can get.
Say nothing, say nothing, say nothing.
- Who's running the mums' race? - Nothing!
There's a toddlers race on after,
Kev, if you fancy beating more children.
I see your house is on the market.
Oh, yeah. I knew that.
- Did I not mention it? - Well, that's a relief.
We thought maybe Johnny did it behind your back.
Johnny, can I have a word?
You put the house on the market?
- Yeah, do you not read the letter from my lawyer? - No.
You know I don't deal with brown envelopes.
Why are you sending letters?
Johnny, I thought we could talk about anything?
Why've you got a lawyer?
Cos we're getting divorced, Amanda.
You don't need such a big house any more.
I earned that big house.
I cannot believe this is happening right before the mums' race.
If I lose, Johnny, it's on you.
You beauty!
Let Amanda win, let Amanda win. Let Amanda win. Let Amanda win.
I got his penis, Marion! He sent me his penis.
Good for you, Liz. You deserve that.
Put it on me, put it on me.
As I say every year, let's make this a good, clean race.
Mrs Johnstone, a word, please.
Yeah, so, I've been asked to leave.
They think I need a time out, so, yeah, it's cool.
Oh, my God, you sacrificed your mums' race
so I could run the dads' race.
Well, that wasn't my intention,
- Kevin, but you're welcome. - I'll bring the kids back.
Mummy, would you, would you run the race for me?
- Oh, I don't know, Julia. I've... - Let's end this day on a high, yeah?
For these two little twerps.
- Go on, then. - Thanks, Mum.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The mums' race is about to begin.
If you'd like to par...
Oh, bloody hell, Marion!
Marion?! Get help!
Marion! Get the medic!
Julia! Julia!
God, please, not the kids.
I'm calling an ambulance.
Mum?! Mum. Get back. Mum!
Mum! Oh, my God, what's happened?
- God, I'm so sorry. Is she dead? - No, no, God. Don't take Marion.
Mum, I'm here.
Oh, my God, please help her.
What is going on?
I'm just here? Mum, I'm just here.
What if the last thing I said to Marion was, "He sent me his penis"?
She'll be OK.
I'm getting a divorce.
Her face looks a bit funny, is it a stroke?
I couldn't say.
Mum, you know, if...
Er, when you get through this,
I will make it up to you, I promise I will.
We'll just spend more time together, yeah?
Hey, you can come and live with us, we'll look after you.
Do you think she heard that?
It's just that...
.. I will have to clear this with my husband first.