(wind blowing softly)
(groovy music)
♪ ♪
Hello?
(inhales) See, that's--that's what I'm--that right there.
That's what I'm talking about right there.
Like, I gotta work.
I can't be sitting up here all day waiting for you.
I gotta work. No. Uh-uh. I gotta work.
- Yeah. - Well, I guess
you don't wanna see your son, then.
- Oh, my God! - Whatever. Bye.
Come on, D. He ain't coming.
Is your son dressing
a little too sexy?
Is your auntie too big to work the twerk?
Have you been physically assaulted
or nearly blinded by your nephew?
Is your thot-dressing grandmother
in desperate need of a makeover?
Is your father a hype-beast panhandler?
Is your baby mama low-key wildin'?
If so, call The Mauris Show to tell your story.
(idling techno music)
♪ ♪
(digital musical sting)
(phone jingles)
Hello. You've reached the offices
of The Mauris Show.
Hello. This is Tanya Jackson.
I'm calling to audition for The Mauris Show
because my baby daddy is high-key tripping,
like, all the time.
(inhales sharply) Ooh.
Unfortunately,
we're not doing any baby daddy episode this week.
But if you got a child that you'd like to exploit,
uh, for financial gain,
because he has some sort of behavioral issue...
- I don't know. I don't know. - Yes, yes.
Behavioral issues?
Oof. My son got 'em. Yes.
Telling teachers to suck his balls.
All type of little crazy. I be like, "Wait."
(distorted) Mom. Hey, Mom. Look what I drew.
Well, hey, hey, listen. Hey, whatever floats your boat.
(hissing) Don't you see I'm on the phone?
Whatever turns you on and gets you off.
(grunting strangely)
We're gonna fly you out for an audition.
- Thanks. - (digital musical sting)
(upbeat electronic music)
(quietly) Damn it.
(keyboard keys clacking)
Unbelievable.
(keys continues clacking)
(exhales)
- This is bullshit. How could-- - Okay. What is it, Pete?
Sorry. I didn't mean to distract you.
- Mm-mm. - Just...
looking at this latest request from Brianna.
Mm-hmm.
What--what does it say?
We have to build data caching for offline browsing?
- Damn it. - I know.
This is unbelievable.
Thank you for saying that.
(sighs) How are we supposed to get this done by Tuesday?
There's no way to get it done by Tuesday.
This is a minimum-viable product.
We have email after email after email in there
- saying that what they need-- - Hey, Pete?
- What? - We just have to stay focused.
(funky music)
♪ ♪
I have a root beer,
iced tea,
and a Diet Coke with lemon for you.
How'd you know I like lemon?
- Just a hunch. - (funky guitar riff)
I'll be right back to take your orders.
Uh-oh. Somebody's in love.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah, dude.
It's written all over your face.
Too bad you can't do anything about it.
Oh, sure he can.
No. You can't ask a woman out when she's at work.
That's sexual harassment.
- No. Jerome isn't her boss. - Doesn't matter.
- She's at work. - If that's the definition,
uh, I'd rather be a sexual harasser than die alone.
Wow.
Okay.
You cannot say things like that.
- Why? I'm a romantic. - Oh--no.
You're something, but that's not it.
(intriguing music)
(conversation continues indistinctly)
♪ ♪
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh, sorry. Hi.
- Um... (clears throat) - Dude, come on.
Hi. Welcome to Sally's. How may I help you?
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I'll be with you in just a moment.
Hi. Yes. Uh, what was that?
- Ridiculous. - Right.
Uh, well, you just take the G to Metropolitan stop
- and walk down-- - Come on!
Yes. I'll be with you in just a moment, sir.
Thank you very much. Actually, I'm so sorry.
Could you--do you mind just Googling it?
Is that okay? I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
My sincere apologies, everyone.
- Are you kidding me? - (phone rings)
Hold on, please.
- Hello? Hi. Yeah. - Get off the phone!
Can I call you back in just about,
like, maybe five minutes?
Is that o--ow!
(distorted, tense music)
♪ ♪
Oh, Jerome. No. What have you done?
The smartest, bravest thing he's ever done.
Look. She's right over there.
And she's never been further away.
You said he couldn't hit on his waitress.
Well, she isn't his waitress anymore.
He spends a little time here,
ingratiates himself, one thing leads to another...
No. That's not how it works.
She's more off-limits than ever.
- She's your coworker now. - Uh, you're a host.
She outranks you,
which means you couldn't possibly harass her.
Only she can harass you.
Let's not get caught up in technicalities, here.
If you proceed with this plan, the only possible outcome
is disaster, plain and simple.
So the right thing to do is to walk away
and hang up the phone.
(whispering) Stay.
Now, Jerome.
(whirring sound)
Listen. Um, you know what?
It's been great getting
to know you these past two hours,
but--uh, yeah, I don't think I'm cut out for this job.
What? No.
Come on. You'll get the hang of it.
You know, uh,
I don't think it's a really good idea for me to stay.
- So... - Of course it is.
Don't--don't worry about them.
As soon as they get a hunk of meat in front of them,
they'll forget all about the wait.
- I know, but-- - Please.
Jerome, we need you.
I need you.
(distorted, tense music)
(imitates train whistle) All aboard! Train to Boneville.
Population: your dick and her pu--
Spare us, Dan. Please.
Did you hear her? "I need you."
She needs his hunk of meat in front of her.
No, she needs him to stay and man his station.
Otherwise, she has twice the work to do.
So we agree. He keeps the job.
No. Jerome, that's not what I'm saying.
Okay. Snap out of it. Let's keep this moving.
Uh...
Please, Jerome?
Come on. I'll make it up to you.
(upbeat electronic music)
♪ ♪
You always make me feel so good about my impulses.
I just want you to feel comfortable...
trying things out.
I kinda con--
I considered doing one of those, like--
like, an online romance.
- I made a whole profile. - Romance website.
Yeah. But then I didn't make it public.
So no one can see me. But I'm on there.
Okay. Wow. That's huge.
So if your account is private,
who do you think's gonna be able to see it?
Maybe, one of, like, the administrators of the website.
Maybe they have access to it.
So you'd be interested in dating
one of the website administrators.
- Yeah, I mean--yeah. - Interesting.
- I think that would... - Um...
- Who is this person to you? - (orange squirts)
He's young,
and I imagine that, every day, he goes and he looks
and sees if there's any private profiles.
And every day, he's like, "Nope.
Everyone's looking for other people."
And then one day, he comes in,
and he says, "Oh, look. A private profile."
And he sees the picture of me standing in the woods.
And then he sends me,
like, an email.
And it's a really good email
'cause he's so literate in computers.
So it has a GIF or something in it.
♪ ♪
(upbeat electronic music)
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Oh, no ♪ - Ow!
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, no! ♪
♪ ♪
Hey, Jerome.
Hey.
- How's it going? - Hey, Barbara.
Looks like you're getting the hang of it.
Oh, yeah. It's going well.
A couple of us are gonna go get drinks at Montero's.
You should come.
When? Now?
Soon as we finish up.
Uh, you have something.
What?
Like ketchup or something.
Oh. Gee, that's embarrassing.
- It's--no. Here, let me. - What?
(romantic synth music)
♪ ♪
You have a really nice smile.
(distorted, tense music)
Are you fucking kidding me?
I rest my case.
Make your move now,
or Brad over there is gonna beat you to the punch.
♪ ♪
I must admit, it did seem like she was flirting.
You hear that? Don't be crazy.
Listen to the voices in your head, Jerome.
We both think this is your moment.
Okay. Hold on a second. I...
- (stammers) Okay, I don't-- - (mimicking stammer)
What I'm trying to say is, I don't know, okay?
Isn't there a woman that you could ask?
I think you should go for it.
Who are you?
Uh, Marta?
Or Marie, I think?
I was at Dan's birthday party. I told him about my app idea.
Oh. Huh.
Anyway, I say go for it.
Step right up and plant one on her, bucko.
- You can do that? - Beats me, man.
I'm just a figment of his panicked imagination.
He's never had a real conversation with me,
so he has no idea
what I actually think about anything.
- Wow. This is it. - Thank you for projecting
- this train wreck into-- - Are you--
Hey, bitches. It's me, Marie.
(all talking at once)
A nice, long...
(all talking at once)
...all of you!
♪ ♪
Sorry. What?
I said you have a nice smile.
What's wrong?
"Wrong"?
Oh, no.
Noth--nothing's wrong. No, uh--well, you know what?
You know what is wrong? Um...
these candles.
I mean, like, are these-- are these even real?
- I--how did they get that-- - (chuckles)
I mean, it looks so real. Look. (stammers)
- Touch it. - Yeah.
- They're--they're cool. - Right?
It's amazing.
I'll see you later.
(machine whirring)
(distorted, tense music)
Is your entire party here?
We can seat you immediately.
How big is your party?
If it's too big,
we might have to reboot and clear a cache.
This booth has a responsive layout
and a powerful back end.
- Jerome? - Corner booth!
- Uh, what? - Huh.
What? Nothing. Hi. What's up?
It's your code.
What about it?
It's insane.
Oh, yeah? Tight. Thanks.
No.
Like bad...insane.
You know how we always used to make fun of those hacker movies
when the camera zooms in
and it's all complete gibberish?
Yeah.
This is worse than that.
I was up half the night trying to fix it.
The client demo is tomorrow!
No.
No, the client demo is Tuesday.
Today is Monday.
Today is last Friday!
I don't know what's going on with you,
but you have to fix this by tomorrow,
or we are both fucked.
Fucked!
I know what I have to do.
Because I just told you what you have to do.
(building jazzy music)
♪ Jerome ♪
I know what I have to do.
I know what I have to do!
♪ ♪
Let me get a...let me get a motherfuckin', uh--
let me get a...
triple double...
fries...
uh...
Can I get extra fry back on the side, though?
So you want fry back on the burger and on the side?
(laughs) Damn near both.
I didn't even know you could do that for real.
Your total is $6.13.
I'm Lil Demerit, I'm 12 years old,
I'm a rapper, and I cuss on all my songs.
You can't control me.
(echoing) I'm off the chain!
I take the plastic off my granny's couch
and sit down with my shoes on.
I got jumped into a gang
'cause I'm crying out for help and seeking affection!
When my teachers say, "Sit down, be silent,
and stay and read," I say, "Shut up, (...),"
and I start jigging on my desk.
I ride dirt bikes. (echoing) Nyah-nyah!
(distorted) Stop filming there.
Fa--real--like, real fantastic work.
Uh, now what I need you to do
is keep that same energy,
only this time,
I want you to be a bit more...
- (audio glitches) - Uh...
ghetto?
You know? Just put some flavor on it.
Uh... get--get gangsta--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh. Okay. - With all due respect,
Mr. Producer, I'ma need you to suck my balls
and cut the cameras back on.
I got something to say!
♪ ♪
- Oh, cool. - Yeah.
- That's awesome. - Yeah.
So, like, what do you do?
Um, I work in advertising.
- Oh, cool. - Yeah, yeah.
I really like it.
Have I, like, seen any of your work
out in the real world?
Um...
oh, there's this commercial out right now
that's on TV that's kind of like--
I don't have cable.
Oh. Yeah, I mean...
me neither.
It's--what--what do you do?
- Oh, uh, I'm in advertising. - Oh, cool!
- How is that? - Yeah. It's cool.
You, uh--you get to be creative
and, uh, collaborate and stuff like that.
Oh, that's so fun.
Yeah, it's fun.
Like a title raise,
not like a pay raise, um, yet.
But I--I'll get that to you. Just not, like, right now.
- That's amazing. - Yeah.
It sounds...
but it's not.
Because basically, you're just everyone's bitch.
- (dance music playing loudly) - What do you do?
- What? - What do you do?
- What? What? - What do you do?
Oh. What?
But, like, I don't love what I do either.
I just do it, you know?
But it--it's not who I am.
- Yeah. Yeah. - You know?
I mean, that's not who I am, though.
But we do it...
all day.
So...
Yeah, but, like...
uh, I mean...
(faint dance music)
Yeah.
♪ ♪
I wish I could just...
I wish I knew what I was meant...
(whispering) To do.
I'm kind of freaking out.
(music builds)
♪ ♪
Are you freaking?
(brakes squeaking quietly)
(motor rumbling softly)
- (chill synth music) - ♪ You were smiling ♪
♪ Cheek to ear ♪
♪ A distorted mess ♪
♪ With love in your heart ♪
♪ I'm so proud that we're here ♪
♪ And you brought me ♪
♪ A glass of precious wine ♪
♪ You kept sealed ♪
♪ In the bank of your mind ♪
♪ I just hope we don't crash ♪
♪ ♪
(piano chords)
♪ I stopped abusing myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I started using myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I stopped abusing myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ I stopped abusing myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
(saxophone solo)
♪ ♪
♪ I stopped abusing myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ I started using myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ I stopped abusing myself ♪
♪ Around you ♪
♪ I started ♪
♪ Using myself around you ♪
♪ ♪
(music distorts and quiets)
♪ ♪
I think I'd make a great drag queen.
Like, for real.
But the one time I tried it,
I looked so much like my mom,
it scared me.
And I was sexy as hell.
Impure thoughts about my mama.
Tree Secrets.
♪ ♪
Lord, have mercy. Look at this--
Delroy, look at this boy, here.
Nyah-nyah-nyah!
He needs to tell his mom to get him some new pants--
them pants is too damn small.
Look at them pants! Look at them pants, Delroy.
You see them. Th--them too small.
Whipping and running, talking 'bout, "Nyah-nyah."
What is that? What is that? That some new--
that's some new stuff that y'all's kids is doing.
Man, shut your old ass up.
Bro, Lil D raw as hell. Hell you talking 'bout?
- Shut my what? - Thank fucking God.
Are we done with this yet?
Mom, how was that?
Was that good?
Can I be My Heart in the Rap Game?
You did real good, baby.
My baby about to be a star.
- Love you, Mommy. - (digital musical sting)
(idling digital music)
♪ ♪
You might recognize our next guest
from his appearance on shows
like My Heart in the Rap Game
and his hit singles, "Whippin' Without a License"
and "Nyah-Nyah."
Please join me in welcoming back
Demetrius Jackson,
AKA Lil Demerit!
- (cheers and applause) - (air horn sound effect plays)
How you doing, Lil D?
The people wanna know:
How's fame treating you?
Frankly,
the exploitative nature of this show catapulted me
into the superficial and fickle world of celebrity,
wherein I've simply become a parody of myself.
However,
I did receive the love and affection
that I so desperately sought from my loved ones.
Thus, I keep indulging the antics
that overshadow my creative pursuits,
bankrolling these transactional relationships
between me and my loved ones
and beefing with niggas on IG Live
until I fade into obscurity.
(audience murmuring indistinctly)
Uh...
Suck my balls?
Nyah-nyah?
- (cheers and applause) - (air horn sound effect)
♪ I wanna know ♪
(funky music)
(door bangs open)
What's going on?
You're not on the schedule today.
I know.
I just came here to tell you I--I...
I can't do this anymore.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
This crazy dance, Barbara!
Me, you; will they, won't they?
I'm very confused.
These charged interactions.
The smiles across the floor?
The wiping of barbecue sauce off one's lips?
It's too much for one man to bear.
Whoa, dude. You are reading way too much into this.
But I will tell you this:
when you started working here,
I wasn't exactly subtle about the fact that I was into you.
And you seemed disinterested, so I laid off.
It's not a big deal.
No, no. I wasn't disinterested.
I was--I was very interested.
I just didn't know the right way to respond!
Yeah, I get that.
Well, this is great. I mean--
okay, so this means you like me.
So you wanna give this a shot, or...
Oh, Jerome.
(chuckling) No. I can't.
What? Why?
'Cause I just got promoted to manager.
- When? - Yesterday.
Oh. Congratulations, Barbara.
- Thanks. Yeah. - Yeah.
Brad got fired.
Apparently, he was sending dick pics
to some of the waitstaff.
Anyway, after all that, it's not really appropriate
for my first act as manager
to get involved with one of the hosts.
Okay. Okay. Okay. What if I quit my job?
Don't quit. I mean, that's--
Okay, what if I told you
that I have much higher-paying job
as an app developer, yeah?
And--and I-- I only took this job
to get close to you.
And you're an app developer?
I've been moonlighting.
I--I--I haven't slept in weeks.
I--I have been living a double life,
and I've been doing it all for you, Barbara.
All of it has been for you.
I don't have to have this job.
I mean, you could have your job,
I could have my job, and we can build a life together--
a good life, a corner-booth life.
I'll make all the right choices.
I'll choose the right things to order on the menu.
I'll choose all the appliances for our wedding registry.
I'll do everything,
and all you have to do is love me.
(romantic synth music)
There's something wrong with you.
(distorted, tense music)
There's something seriously, seriously wrong with you.
Whoa, wait. No. Wh--wh--you don't und--
No. Stop. You have to go.
You're fired,
and I don't think you should eat here anymore either.
(door bangs shut)
(downtrodden music)
♪ ♪
(indistinct singing)
♪ ♪
- (clear music) - ♪ Yes ♪