Come on, kid. Get out of here.
- Ice cream. - What?
- Ice cream. - No money, no ice cream.
- Come on, let's go. - Ice cream.
You're holding up the line. Let's go.
Ice cream!
(upbeat funky music)
♪ ♪
(tranquil music)
(laughter)
We have an Australian teacher.
- Don't break your tailfin. - Already broken, bitch.
- Is it "beach"? - Say "beach."
Beach. Already broken, beach.
Oh, well, okay. That was good.
(laughter)
This sucks.
I can't believe I won't see you guys
until after the holiday.
Oof, I know.
Um, I'm not gonna do anything without you.
I'm gonna be alone,
and you're gonna make new friends
and be all like, "Uh, who are you again?"
Oh, my God. Shut your stupid face.
Listen, I promise you nothing is gonna change.
- We're best friends. - Okay.
Don't break your tailfin.
Already broken, bitch.
- (laughter) - What was that?
Bitch, I was like, "Hey," I was like,
"That is not Australian."
See you guys. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
(spacey music)
♪ ♪
(moans)
Charlotte, look who it is.
- Oh, my God, Mia! - (squealing) Mia!
Hey, how are you?
Oh, you look amazing.
You've changed so much over the summer.
Thanks.
It's great to see you guys too.
Guys, you'll never believe where I went yesterday.
Where'd you go?
- Well, basically-- - (inhales)
Do you smell that?
Um, I'm not sure I smell anything--
Hey, guys, don't break your tailfin.
Already broken--
Smells like the best smell ever.
- Uh... - Smells like...eat.
(roars)
(man yelling and crying)
Oh, my God.
(yells) No!
(bones crunch)
I thought she was vegetarian.
(Jarina De Marco's "Identity Crisis")
(vocalizing)
(ticking)
(ticking stops)
(screams)
- (whimpering) - (animal howls)
(breathes deeply)
Hope?
(groans softly)
Hope?
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Hope?
So I said, "No, it is six inches."
You just have to measure it diagonally.
(laughs)
Wow, this is a really nice place.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I share it with my roommate, my buddy Dan.
And where is Dan tonight?
Uh, well, it's Wednesday,
so he is probably somewhere in Canarsie chasing GILFs.
- Um... - Oh.
Can I get you something to drink?
Like, maybe a nice pilsner.
- Yeah, sounds good to me. - Great.
Here. Um, two pilsners coming up.
(vocalizing)
(chuckles) Sorry. Okay.
Here they are.
- Wham. - Mmm.
- Wham. - (chuckles)
- Here you are. - Thank you.
Of course. You're welcome.
To Tori Amos.
- To Tori Amos. - (laughs)
(siren wailing distantly)
Um...
I don't usually do this.
Aw, no. Are you an IPA girl?
- Come on. - Ha-ha.
No, no.
I mean I don't usually go on--you know,
go home with a guy on the first date.
Well, neither do I.
Um...girls, I mean. But, you know.
- (chuckles) Yeah. - Yeah.
Party Time. I wanna meet him.
Party Time!
- Party Time. - All right.
Party Time.
- Party Time. - Party Time.
(gasps)
Come here!
Hey, yeah, you found him.
- Hey, buddy. - (growls playfully)
- He's so cute. - Yeah.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
Oh, my God, wow.
You really are a dog person, huh?
Oh, my God!
(funky hip-hop music)
♪ Bye ♪
There was a period in my life, uh, where I did so much acid,
I got down on my knees one night,
and I-I prayed to the dude from the Ernest movies.
I--like, I can't reconcile that that was me.
What accountants can say that they prayed to--to--to--
to Jim Varney?
I mean, other than Barry, the guy I work with.
That's why we connect.
Tree secrets.
(mellow hip-hop music)
(mellow music)
♪ ♪
(balloons squeaking)
Yeah, 35.
(gasps)
45, yeah, 50!
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum-bum ♪
(crickets chirping)
(romantic music playing)
He is a rescue, right?
Oh, my God. Who do you think I am?
- (laughs) - Pardon me.
How old is he?
Um...
huh.
You know, I don't know. I don't know.
I never, um... That's weird.
I guess I never asked when I got him.
How long have you had him?
How long have I--um...
In human years or dog years?
(laughs)
Oh, God, he's so handsome.
- Yeah. - Who's a good boy?
- Uh-huh.
- It's Party Time. - Hmm.
(grunts) Party Time is such a cute name.
How'd he get that name?
How did he get the name Party Time?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
Um...
♪ Party time ♪
I don't know.
It's, uh, you know that song "Party Time."
You never heard--you nev--uh...
(laughs)
What about, um, the--that, uh...
uh, I-I just really like to party.
- (sobs) - What?
(sobbing)
Hey, are you okay?
What's wrong?
(groans)
Nothing.
No--
(whimpers)
(sobbing)
I'm sorry. It's just--it's...
(grunting)
It's all a lie.
Uh, sorry, it's just, it's all a big fat lie.
Wait, what's the lie, Jerome?
All of it.
(sobs)
Okay, calm down.
- Take a deep breath. - Yep, yeah.
(hyperventilating)
(sobs, coughs)
Well...
it's a long story.
You know, it's a long story.
(stammering) And I--don't--I totally get it
if you just wanna...
- Hey. - If you just wanna go.
No, I don't.
What I want is to hear the story.
(sniffles)
Well it's--well, it's all Dan's fault.
Um...
Man, this is incredible.
You're gonna be swimming in hee-haw.
Yeah, and she said if my romantic future
doesn't improve significantly, I get my money back, dude.
Well, damn, son,
that's a great deal right there.
- Yeah. - Must have taken them forever
to get all this data.
No. No, dude.
I was only in there for about an hour.
I just don't understand how she got this level of...
Holy ca-moly, is this she?
Oh, yeah, yeah. That is she.
Come on--wait a minute.
You're saying you were in the same room
as this smoke show?
Uh-huh.
And as soon as I walked in, I could tell she knew her shit.
(grunts) Oh.
(moaning)
(harp glissando)
So...why online dating?
Why?
Uh, well, um, you know,
I always thought I'd meet the one in person.
- Uh-huh. - Like in the movies.
Right.
And don't get me wrong, I've met a lot of cool people,
but the second they learn who I really am...
They are out the door.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, exactly.
Um, so I don't know.
I just figured--I just figured it was time to make a change.
- So why not? - Why not?
And, you know, everyone else is doing it.
It's the modern world.
So I visited a site and set up a profile.
Wow.
- And I waited. - Uh-huh.
(phone blips)
- And waited. - Oh.
(funky music)
- And waited. - Ah.
(phone blips)
♪ ♪
Wow.
48 introductions to women, two broken phones...
one damaged ego, and...
no results.
That's why I'm here.
Well, J, it sounds like we got a lot of work to do.
Jerome, let's get you Updated.
(phone blipping)
(phone chimes)
(phone blips)
(phone boops)
(clock ticking)
(bird coos)
(slurps)
(both moaning)
Hmm? Hey!
(jingle plays on TV)
This morning, we learned that the only lady politician
was hit by a train.
The prime minister learned of the news on live telecast.
Later, when asked to clarify his response,
he told reporters, "I did not chuckle.
I was choking on a pecan."
Tyrannosaurus rex,
best known for his fearsome jaws
and appearances on the silver screen,
may have had a gentle side too.
The formidable predator may, counter to popular belief,
in fact have been a tender lover,
using his extra-sensitive snout
to kiss his partner
and his seemingly useless little arms
to tickle and caress her
in tender, precopulatory play.
(exhales)
Archaeologists all around the world
stumble upon skeletons of these terrible lizards,
revealing heated sexual positions
of passionate prehistoric lovemaking.
Looking at some of those fossils may suggest
these extraordinary creatures
knew about the deadly asteroid
that was on a collision course with the Earth
and used their last moments
for some sweet, sweet sexual intercourse.
(ribbits)
For millions of years,
these giants dominated the seas,
swayed the skies, and ruled the lands.
Females were ravenous predators,
fueled by their powerful instincts
to hunt and reproduce.
Those girls got what they wanted.
These astounding beasts came in all shapes and sizes.
They proudly presented their sensual bodies,
covered in scales and feathers like expensive jewelry.
Life on the harsh landscapes of the Mesozoic era was tough,
but guess what.
So were these women.
The fire in their eyes wasn't just a reflection
of the blazing rock that lit up the night sky
before hitting the planet
and wiping out all of them at once.
It was the flaring fire
of their inner powerful sex appeal
that hypnotized all who looked
into their seductive lizard eyes.
(hypnotic music)
♪ ♪
(ominous music)
♪ ♪
(roars)
(panting)
Sharon, will you accept this rose?
Oh, my God, yes. Yes.
Absolutely. (laughs)
(growls)
(phone blips)
(growls)
(roars)
(whimpers)
- (smooches) - Oh.
Hmm.
(roars)
(stomping)
(metallic crash)
(stomping fades)
(tires screeching)
(vehicle crashes, glass shatters)
- (people screaming) - (roaring)
(glass shatters)
(explosion booms)
These hunters are capable of migrating
hundreds of miles to harvest the right specimen
to fulfill their sexual desires.
Their highly sensitive smell and hearing serves
as some sort of biological compass,
directing them to the perfect mate.
When stalking, females keep below the skyline,
running through silky, warm summer nights,
searching for the heavy scent of testosterone in the air.
Inevitably, there will be a chase,
and pleasure will follow.
(mellow hip-hop music)
(mellow music)
Breathe in.
(inhales)
Breathe out.
(exhales)
Focus on the breath and nothing else.
Mind clear, all here.
Center myself.
Imagine myself in a blank, white room.
(whispering) No.
A field in bloom.
(whispering) No. (gasps)
The beach with the sea and shells.
Yeah.
(birds squawking)
Unplug from the physical self.
Unplug from--
Wait.
Did I unplug my straightener?
Oh, God.
No, I did, 'cause when I left, I took a step.
Then I walked back in.
I took a look in the kitchen with the suspicion
that I left the oven on, but I didn't.
Then I was like, "I'm here.
I might as well pee for a minute."
And I vividly recall the plug in the wall
had nothing in it.
(gasps)
Okay, yeah, it had nothing in it.
Man, I gotta be more conscious of that stuff.
My shit could burn down. Then I'm fucked.
Itch on my nose. Nope.
Let it pass.
Hey, sweetie, it's Mom.
Just wanting to say hello.
Shit.
Forgot to call my mom back.
(breathes deeply)
But what did she mean when she said the other day
that at my age, she was married with a kid on the way?
Oh, thanks, Mom, that helps me a lot.
Here's a thought. How 'bout I stop?
Lock a man down, set a plan down,
and pop out a tot.
It's like I'm caught in a spot
where I'm working on the grind, the nine-to-nine,
climbing to find and then redefining my reason
for being alive.
Jesus.
Realize that this time of my life is hard on me,
so pardon me for disregarding the timing of my ovaries
when I can barely figure out a time to get my groceries.
Hey, sweetie.
Breathe.
Oh, I gotta get groceries.
(cash register beeping)
I might have a yogurt in the fridge.
Itch--God damn it,
this itch on my nose won't stop.
Nope. Breathe through it.
If I go to scratch it, I'll blow it. I'll ruin it.
It's just a fixation, my imagination.
I gotta just wait and be patient
and then the sensation will pass.
Yes.
See?
That wasn't so--nope. That's a bug.
That's a bug on my nose.
(sniffles)
(exhales) Okay.
Okay, there was no bug.
Damn it. I'm so off track.
I gotta relax.
I gotta get back to the blank, white room.
No, the field in bloom.
No, forget it. Just cut to black.
I could use a snack. No.
Think of nothing. Think of nothing.
Breathe. Think of nothing.
I've accomplished nothing. Stop it!
Think of nothing. Think of nothing.
Breathe. Think of nothing.
Smells like maple syrup. Shut the fuck up!
I think I have to pee.
I'll amount to nothing. Who am I becoming?
Think of nothing. Think of nothing.
(bright marimba ringtone playing)
Seriously?
(ringtone continues)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. I'm here.
♪ ♪
I did it.
♪ ♪
And we're wiggling the fingers.
- Fuck! - (ringtone continues)
Wiggling the toes.
Fuck.
Gently coming back into our bodies.
God damn it, I was fucking there.
Fuck.
The suggested donation is $16.
I don't have my Square with me today,
but I definitely take Venmo.
Uh, be sure to drink a lot of water
and take all of your belongings on the way out.
Thank you so much. Namaste.
(bright marimba music continues)
(upbeat electronic music)
(beeping)
♪ Yeah ♪
(bass music thumping)
♪ ♪
- (gasps) - ♪ Yeah ♪
(thudding, squeaking)
♪ ♪
(thudding)
(glass shatters)
(crash)
(whooshing)
- (explosion booms) - (dramatic music)
(Jarina De Marco's "Identity Crisis")
♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi ♪
♪ Identity crisis ♪
So you're saying that you doctored all your photos?
Okay, like I said, uh, it was Dan's idea to--
But Party Time is real. He's right here.
Okay, so that's the thing.
Um, so, like--okay, so we matched,
and you were just so cool
and pretty and funny.
(laughs)
And you said you liked my dog,
but, um...
well, he's not my dog.
He belongs to my friend Mrs. Beckett.
I just borrowed him for the night.
(siren wailing distantly)
So you did all this to, what, impress me?
I guess so.
Yeah, so, um...
so I guess you think I'm a total phony.
I don't know. I don't know.
Let's see.
Earlier tonight when you told me this was
your first online date, was that phony?
No, no, no.
And when you said that you were an app developer?
No, that's real. That's real.
And when you said that you founded
the East Williamsburg chapter of the Tori Amos fan club?
Actually, we're up to 437 members.
(laughs)
See?
All in all, I think you've been relatively truthful.
So you're not mad at me?
Mad at you? For coming clean?
Hell no.
It's refreshing.
Okay, do you wanna know what else is real?
Tell me.
When I was a kid, I had to wear
my extra-large Titanic T-shirt
before I went to bed.
What about you?
Mm...me.
Um, I'm terrified of ladders.
Not climbing them
but the actual objects themselves.
I've read over 135 self-help books.
I like to daydream about my own death
just to imagine what people would say about me.
I can't read clocks.
God, it feels so great to be honest.
Keep going. Tell me more.
- Um, well... - Keep going.
When I was five, I ate, like, bugs and worms.
(peaceful music)
Once, I threw a going-away party.
♪ ♪
I never even left town.
I just wanted new friends.
Hmm.
I'm addicted to Skittles.
♪ ♪
When I really want something...
♪ ♪
I steal it.
♪ ♪
Hope?
(birds chirping)
Party Time?
Party Time!
(Natalie Prass' "It Is You")
♪ ♪
Party Time!
♪ There are trees, there are clouds ♪
♪ Many shadows and crowds ♪
♪ There are dreams, there are doubts ♪
♪ There are whispers and shouts ♪
♪ And the snow ♪
This is where Mommy lives.
Oh, Party Time, meet everyone!
Hi! This is Rufus.
Come on, guys. That's String Beans.
We have Lucy...
♪ I've learned that there's a key inside ♪
♪ And only one will do ♪
♪ It is you ♪
Party Time, you're gonna love it here.
(mellow hip-hop music)
(mellow music)
(Jarina De Marco's "Face")
(singing in Spanish)
♪ ♪
♪ Show me what you working with ♪
(singing in Spanish)
♪ ♪
♪ Show me what you working with ♪
♪ Gimme that "uh" face ♪
♪ What you working with ♪
♪ Gimme that "uh" face ♪
♪ What you working with ♪
♪ Gimme that "uh" face ♪
♪ What you working with ♪
♪ Gimme that "uh" face ♪
♪ What you working with ♪
♪ Gimme that ♪
(singing in Spanish)
♪ Show me what you working with ♪
- (clear music) - ♪ Yes ♪