- Heads up! - Got it!
Here you go.
Hi, kids. l need a big favour.
Please no-one look at me, it's vey important
or l'll be amully embarrassed.
Hey, what are you looking at? You looking at this pee?
Morning, Emily.
- What were you all laughing at? - They were laughing at this.
Did you not get what liust did?
No, l got it. l just didn't think it was funny.
Then you obviously didn't get it because ifyou had you'd be laughing.
Allow me to explain.
l, a toilet trained man, approached this grassy area...
You're not vey cool, are you?
What?
Oh, for a second l thought you were being serious.
l am serious. You're not cool.
But, but... wait a minute, l'm cool! Aren't l, kids?
Kids?!
ln _99_, the _ritish Government began a secret project to create
thefirst human clone. Intended to be a prototype supersoldier,
that experiment went hombly wrong.
He and his creatorareon the run,
tying tofind the key to unloctUng the c(one's supe_uman abi(ities
before the Government finds and tUlls them.
This is theirstoy.
Really? Again?
Which ofthese two hats do you prefer?
- ''My other hat is a crown'' or ''Dude''? - Which one's cooler?
Well, they're both vey du iour,
but l'd have to go with ''Dude''.
Good. Now...
l've used Rose's brain scan
to construct this cortical remapping device.
That doesn't look cool, that Iooks painful, is it painful?
Great.
Within a few days, your brain should rewire itself
and you'll flnally be the super soldier l designed.
Now, put the ''Dude'' hat on
- and don't take it ofl in public. - And this makes me look cool?
- You've never looked cooler. - l felt that.
l felt that but l didn't want to say it. High flve?
Now, this device is electrical so keep it away from water.
No water, got it.
Random question. If a person who was wearing a similar device
to mine went swimming, what would happen to that person?
Don't mess this up.
Otherwise eveything l've put Rose through will be for nothing.
lf Rose and l have the same brain,
am l also going to have a secret crush on you?
No, it's separate.
And besides you look at the scan, this is more than a simple crush.
She is clearly in love with me.
Oh, Victor, l love you.
Take me to an island and mary me and teach me about science.
l can't get involved with Rose.
She's only in love with me cos l helped her through a medical scare.
That you made up.
l didn't want to lie to her.
lt iust made taking advantage or her that much easier.
Now you're going to tell her the truth, right?
- That you don't love her. - The truth?
You are so naive.
No, what this situation calls for is an overly complex series or events
that will slowly wean her ofl my heroin-like charm.
Has Victor made contact with lan yet?
No, sir.
What is the point or putting a camera in someone's eye
- ifthey never see anything helpful? - Well, sir...
Rhetorical, you fool!
You're demoted...
to dead man!
lt's inevitable that Victor will contact his old lab assistant.
When he does, he's bound to give away some key piece of information
that will lead us right to him.
You l like.
Why can't you be more like him?
- Well, sir, l... - Rhetorical!
Don't make me kill you again. Now,
you, less infuriating anonymous minion, why is this screen black?
ls there some sort or problem? The hand doesn't like problems.
No, sir. No problem.
Hang on, the chop should take eflect in flve,
four, three, two...
Sory, you were saying?
l wasiust saying that...
... Ian has no idea about the camera in his eye.
The screen is black because he's asleep.
Here, l'll turn up the audio.
Asleep at 7.30? What is he, Spanish?
lt's always been a problem, Clone.
Women see these eyes and they melt.
- Oh, here we go... - Look away!
- It's too la,te. -Victor
l iust wanted to thank you again for taking me to hospital.
- l was vey frightened. - l'm just a man, Rose.
l put on my socks and sock suspenders one leg at atime.
Just like anyone else.
That's pretty sexy.
See what l mean? Can't keep her hands oflme.
Maybe you iust shouldn't come here any more.
l mean, l know l'm your son and l love you and idolize you but...
l think l can obiectively say you are the best looking person in this pub.
Tell me something l don't know.
My bottom iust made a snore.
lf only there was some way l could refute the results ofthe scan.
But science said Rose is in love. And you were the only person there.
Well, me and the Scottish doctor l was pretending to be.
No, who else could have made her brain light up like a disco ball?
A Scottish doctor, l'm so iealous.
You know what that accent does to me.
When he said ''Let's iust take a look at your wee brain'', l just...
Want to come over later and watch Braveheart then Trainspotting?
- l feel her looking at me. - She's not looking at you.
l knowwhen someone's looking at me.
Time to take oflher Rose-tinted spectacles.
- That ought to do it. -What ought to do it?
l don't think she's going to be quite so interested in a man
who doesn't use a handkerchier.
Do you not think something bigger would've been more eflective?
We do this in steps, Clone. It's not just the sneeze.
For example, today l'm also sans deodorant
and at 12:15 l shall pick up and read
a tabloid newspaper.
Better get that shoelace tied.
Oh, hi, Emily. Didn't see you there.
l wasiust out wearing my new hat.
lt says ''Dude''.
Yeah, no, it's no big deal.
Just... the coolest l've ever looked but whatever.
So,
ifl couldiust get you to veri_that then
l'll be on myway.
ARer l've had a little lie down here like l meant to do.
You're not cool and your hat is stupid. Sory.
Come on, lan.
lt's exactly 7.45. Where are you?
***
Dad...
you lied to me!
You said this hat was cool. It's not cool.
Unless you also have a camera in your eye it's not my priority.
Your priority should be to flnd me a cooler hat,
because l'm not wearing this one any more.
- You will wear it and that's flnal. - l'm not wearing it
and that's more flnal.
- You will wear it. - l will not wear it!
- You will. - No, l won't wear it.
- Get ofl! - You will wearthis hat.
There is nothing wrong with this hat.
l met a girl who said it's not cool.
Women say a lot orthings. You still have to wear it.
l'm not wearing this one!
God. Vey well.
l'll buy you a new one tomorrow.
All this is about a girl?
Not a girl.
The coolest girl l've ever met.
She doesn't like me and it's driving me crazy.
-Want to talk about it? - Oh, yes, please.
Well, flnd somebody else. l'm not your man.
Isn_there anMhing you can do to heIp?
l iust want to get her out or my head.
- Still thinking about her? - Yes.
- How about now? - Nope. All good. Fixed.
Hello, lan.
This is your psychoanalyst doctor,
Brian Scan. l_g _n thinking
about your work-_lated anxiety that you we_ harping on about
in your last session.
lt'sjust a wee thing that's stuck in your head.
You n_ tocy itout.
That's the best course of action.
l'd recommend floods of tears,
like the time your brilliant _s, Victor, forgot your birthday.
And your name.
Anyway. hope you hwe an em_meIy mìsenble couple of days.
8ye.
Dad, what are you gonna to buy? What do you think l should buy?
Can we buywhat she buys?
You look handsome. Was it wrong to eat all the sugar?
Let's shop separately.
- Let's race. - Good idea.
One, two, three, go.
We both ran out or eggs at the same time.
- Quite a coincidence. - Yes, it's certainly a coincidence.
l might be going to the launderette later.
Let's ty and avoid another ''coincidence''.
Let's keep it down to one a day.
l'm almost done!
Look, Victor, l don't know what you're on about,
but l do need to do some laundytoday, so...
You don't need to do laundy, you want to do laundy.
And l'm not going to lie to you, the thought or doing laundy
with you is vey tempting, but it wouldn't be right.
Are you banning me from the launderette?
How can l put this?
Rose, you need your own washing machine,
a new model, one that's closer to your own age.
You shouldn't be spending time
with one orthose old machines at the launderette,
one that's been battered bythe years.
l mean, sure,
it's a good machine.
Strong, reliable.
Even a little dangerous.
But it's not foryou.
- l can't believe he beat me. -What's with all the chocolate?
l iust like adding chocolate to all my food.
l know a guy who does exactly the same thing with salt.
Guy!
So, listen,
l think your Dad iust tried to sell me a washing machine. Is he OK?
Yeah, he's great.
He's been in a much better mood since he got that picture oryou.
- He has a picture or me? - Yeah, he looks at it all the time.
He likes to hold it up to the light and talk about his big plans.
What does he say?
No, no, it's nothing like that.
He iust uses the picture of you ror stimulation purposes.
l guess l'll iust take a quick cat nap on these onions.
Looks like l've built up a tolerance to onions.
l'm som, l can't. l)ustcan't.
Looks like l've built up a tolerance to my wedding video.
Please, Penelope! l can change!
Looks like l've built up atolerance to having my hand slammed in the car door.
Clone, here's your new hat.
Can l tell you how much this means to me?
All right. So, what nauseating
chocolate-based delight are you serving up for us tonight?
First or all, you said you liked my Cadbuy Masala. And secondly
the white chocolate flsh flngers are not for you.
Remember the girl who doesn't think l'm cool? l invited her for dinner.
And you're serving flsh flngers?
Classic rookie mistake.
l'm so nervous. l want eveything to be perFect.
You're lucky l'm here.
lfthere's one thing l know more about than nano-genetics,
it's the ladies. Here's what you do.
First you put on some Led Zeppelin straight away. Get that mood going.
Then you put a few drops or patchouli oil on a light bulb.
- That'll be her! -4.45? Who has dinnerthat early?
She's got a proiect due tomorrow.
Career woman, eh?
You're lucky you saw her flrst. Where are you going?
- Answering the door. - You don't get the door.
You have to play it cool. Just relax.
l'll get the door.
Fish flngers!
You really have got a lot to learn about the...
OK. She's nine. We've got to talk.
Go away, little girl!
There's no dinner for you here.
You can't invite a nine year old to dinner.
- l iust want her to be my friend. - l know that,
but we have to keep a low proflle
and having a friend who's about as big as this cup
will only attract attention.
You think it'll attract as much attention as me going out like this?
Hello. Welcome to our home.
Can l take your coat?
- Hello, Stephen. - Colonel Black.
l'm sory, you frightened me.
Aren't you supposed to be in a meeting with the Ministy of Defence?
But you're in the store room.
They were under the impression that the meeting was to be in your oMce.
Yes, l know.
Theywant to see the Clone.
And last week when they also wanted to see the Clone and you weren't there,
were you in here?
Yes, l was. Fortwo hours.
You see, Stephen, evey great militay leader
has to knowwhen to attack and when to hide in a cupboard.
This moment now is a hide-in-the-cupboard moment.
ls that a new strategy, sir?
One orthe oldest. Ever since man had wood and hinge.
Sun Tzu knew it.
Alexander the Great knew it.
The Troian war hinged on hundreds or people hiding
in what was essentially a horse-shaped cupboard.
What do you think Churchill was referring to when he talked about
the War Cabinet?
l think whatever you want me to think, sir. Or not think.
Good strategy, Stephen.
Look at the two orus,
hiding in this cupboard.
Technically, l'm not hiding, sir.
l'm looking for treasuy tags.
So am l, Stephen.
So am l.
That's so funny.
Emily. l've got a funny stoy too. You're gonna love this.
Right, today, a_er a bread-related incident,
l was chased by a duck for two and a half miles.
No? No?
- You told that stoy already. - Wow, he really is uncool.
That's what l've been tying to tell him.
l have to go do my homework now. But we should do this again sometime.
Oh, that would be delightful.
But maybe you could get a babysitter for...
Oh, come on!
Well, l really did enioythat.
Bye, Emily.
Bye, Victor. You're pretty cool. Bye, Colin.
Colin!
Well, l think that went well.
- Really? - No, it was amul.
lt was like watching a car crash.
Still you can't expect eveyone to like you.
Why does she think you're cool and l'm not?
Because l can do this.
That gets me eveytime.
Please, please stop.
l've had a bad day.
Why was Penelope never like this?!
l better go and get myself cleaned up.
Hey, buddy.
Hello, sweetie.
People seem to be really taken with lan today.
Has he had a new haircut or something?
l don't know, but he sure showed those pigeons who's boss.
Hey, it's that Jasmine girl he likes.
Five quid says lan crashes and burns again.
- Is he going toiump on her? - Hello, mister.
Aren't you looking gorgeous?
Oh, my God, she likes it.
l told you women like it when you force yourself on them.
Glen... l owe you an apology.
Hello, Rose.
Why are you wearing sunglasses?
lt's for your own protection. We need to talk.
- l need to talk to you too. - l should go flrst.
l know you think that but l think you'll think diflerently
a_er you hear what l think. And you'll thank me.
l don't think so. Rose, l'm atravel writer.
l live out or a medium-sized suitcase.
One day l can wake up in St Ives. Bang, the next day l'm in York.
lt's a diMcult life, Rose.
Living from county to county,
never knowing the flrst two Ietters oryour postcode.
You're making a mistake.
- You're a vey special person, - Dear God. Don't flnish that thought.
l must, Rose.
l'm not romantically interested in you.
There it's done. You're going to be OK.
- Oh, thank God. -What?
l was iust about to tell you the same thing.
Rose... you don't have to pretend.
No, seriously, it's a relier. A massive relier.
- And what's wrong with your eyes? - l know you're lying right now.
- l have proor. -What prooR
The Scottish doctor.
He told me your brain lit up when you talked about me.
Rose, iust admit it so we can get on with our lives.
lf anything made my brain light up it was the Scottish doctor.
- l love the accent. - But you...
You specirically said that my sock suspenders were
quote unquote ''pretty sexy''.
And you didn't detect the obvious sarcasm?
Not until this moment, no.
But now l really do.
Well, that's a relier for both or us.
Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? You're old enough to be...
but you seem spy.
lt feels like an enormous weight has been li_ed ofl my...
- Shoulders? - Shoulders. l feel ten years...
- Younger? - Not younger, just...
- Better? - Better. Better.
Hi, Emily! l was hoping l'd flnd you here.
Whatever.
l knowyou don't think l'm cool and that's flne, you know?
l'm living with it.
But l am cool and l can't live with it. You're driving me insane.
Just deal with it, ''Dude''.
Look, you're probably vey busy
but please, iust give me a moment oryour time.
Any chance you could slow down at all?
Now, l'd like to read you some things people have said about me.
And these are direct quotes.
''Full or fun surprises'' -
Rose.
''A true original'' - Arthur,
''Keeps the laughs coming'' - woman with gloves.
Plus seven others that sound sort or similar.
l rest my case.
l feel bad but l can't help it.
liust don't like you.
You're not going to change my mind.
At least l gave it one last ty.
- You're amazing! - Really?
Yeah, l've totally changed my mind.
lt was the coolest thing l've ever seen.
Oh, it was nothing.
l rememberthat day.
Life seemed so much simpler back then.
- Where have you been? - Oh, nowhere.
Just hanging out with Emily. She thinks l'm cool now. No biggie.
lt's been 96 hours. Your brain should be done remapping itself.
Do you feel any diflerent?
Don't think so.
Do you remember anything?
l remember when it didn't smell so sad in here.
Oh, that's it!
l'm never going to flx you.
l'm old, l'm a failure.
l've lost the cord oflmy dressing gown. Oh, God!
l might as well iust get a rifle and blow my brains out.
Oh, Dad, don't be silly.
Rifles are too ineMcient for close range work.
l'd use a Glock with hollow point bullets. Cup ortea?
Yeah, milk and two...
... shit.
- What did you say? - l suggested hollow point bullets,
e.g. black talons from the Winchester corporation.
- Their copper spurs... - l've done it!
l've bloody done it. l could hug you.
- Maybe a_er your victoy shower. - No, there's no time for that now.
l've got to get back to London.
There's speeches to be made, awards to be won,
rivals to be ground into the dust with my heel.
- And, how's that tea coming along? - l haven't started yet! l don't mind.
l'm gonna hug you even though you're smelly.
No, we're past that now.
- Ah, the sweet smell or redemption. - l don't think that's redemption, Dad.
- Hi, Victor. - What are you doing here?
l want to apologise. l think l said some things that came out wrong.
Oh, flne, thanks. Take care.
No, no. l'm not done.
l didn't mean to oflend you yesterday. You're a good man, it's just...
Yes, yes, yes, l understand.
Plenty more flsh in the sea. All that water running under the unburnt bridge.
Thanks for calling by.
Victor, will you please let me in so l can apologise properly?
Why, why? l'm quite enioying the intimacy orthe doorway.
God, you're incredibly strong.
l need to explain my feelings to you, face-to-face.
Oh, my God.
- What the hell is going on here? - l can explain.
l can no longer explain.