Go away!
- You don't knowwho it is. - l knowwho it is.
Go away, Victor.
Look, l know what you saw at my flat seemed odd,
maybe even frightening,
but, ifyou let me in, you'll see there's a simple explanation.
Oh, that's flne. Come in then. l'll put the kettle on.
- Really? - No, you freak!
Go away or l'm calling the police!
There is nothing to be frightened or.
From now on! From now on, there's nothing to be frightened or.
How did you do that?
l may have accidentally picked your lock.
Stay away from me. l've got...
an address book, and it's got really pointy corners.
Rose, please calm down.
Cause there's nothing a single woman flnds more calming than a break-in!
You say break-in, l saytomato.
That really was pointy.
- Rose, please, can't weiust talk? - OK, let's talk.
Why are my medical records on your wall? What the hell is that?
lt's not what it looks like.
Out or interest, what did it look like?
lt looks like you tricked me into thinking
l had Alzheimer's to get copies or my brain scan.
l can't understand how you got the Scottish doctor to go along with it.
Hello there.
There is a logical explanation.
Let's hear it then, or...
- l'm calling the police. - All right.
This is diMcult but,
on her deathbed, my mother made me promise to cary on
her admittedly macabre collection or barmaid brain scans.
First nine.
l'm aiudge on a TV show - a new TV show
called Britain's Most Interesting Brain.
Congratulations. You've won... a chisel?
Second nine.
l'll come clean.
l have what is known as a lobe fetish,
but it's iust images. l've never acted on it.
Third nine.
l may have cut the line.
Please, l'm only Iying to protect you and Clone.
You care about Clone, don't you?
What was that thing on his head? What are you doing to him?
l'm going to go against evey instinct l have
and tell you the truth.
But, please, it's most important
for your safety and mine and Clone's -
but, most importantly, for mine -
that you tell no-one what l'm about to say to you.
l was a scientist
working for a secret Government agency called Ml7.
The last proiect l was working on went horribly wrong
and l had to escape, and -
get ready -
Clone...
... is a clone.
ls a clone.
Go on.
l grew him in atest tube.
He was meant to be a super soldier, but he didn't exhibit
any orthe killer instincts we'd embedded in his brain.
lnstead, he iust turned out simple and childlike - which,
for some reason, eveyone flnds SO CHARMING,
except the militay.
Yes, l hear they have vey little time for whimsy.
l thought l could use the way your brain rewired itself
to help me flx Clone before they flnd us
and kill us.
Right. Good. Well, that makes sense.
Really? You mean that?
Of course! You work for a secret Government agency
and you grew my barman in atube.
Why wouldn't l believe that?
Because you're being quite sarcastic.
No, not at all. Now, good night. Good night!
l need to know you're going to keep our secret.
Believe me, l'm not telling anyone this.
lf l were you, l wouldn't either.
l'll be eternally grateful.
Now, run along, Professor.
Clone's not gonna flx himself!
ln 1991, the British Government began a secret project
to create the flrst human clone.
lntended to be a prototype super-soldier,
that experiment went horribly wrong.
Now he and his creator are on the run,
tying to flnd the key to unlocking the clone's superhuman abilities
before the Government flnds them and kills them.
This is their stoy.
Hey, buddy. How's it going?
- Stop it, Mark! - l can't. This is how l talk.
Say something American like ''Quit busting my balls'', or ''Chicago''.
You're hilarious!
Mind if l take a picture of the pub with you behind the bar?
This place is crazy quaint.
Ty one looking to the right.
Nowturn to your leR.
Hi there.
Mark Travis. l'm from America.
- l'm sory. - Thanks.
- Clone, can l talk to you for a minute? - Yeah, sure.
Later.
Listen, l care about you vey much and l want you to know
that, no matter what happens, your father is insane.
- What? - He was ranting and raving
about being some scientist.
l don't know why he'd say that, because my dad is a travel writer
and we're on a working holiday together,
and don't answer any more questions.
l'm worried. You're not safe. You need to get away from your dad.
Excuse me, Rose, my dad would never hurt me.
What was that scay contraption on your head?
That was a hairdyer. If she keeps asking questions, just leave.
Heckler and Koch 416. Chinese QBZ95.
An M21 with a BORS scope.
- How far could you aim that? - 2,500 m.
-Would you knowwhat hit you? - Nah.
l've done it!
Take that, eveyone who called me crazy!
You, Nobel Prize committee, shall bow down before me
and l shall rise up and quietly exit the room,
leaving you bowing to no-one.
Then you will look up, realise your mistake
and your wives will leave you and come to me!
l've no idea why anyone ever thought you were crazy.
Good a_ernoon,
and welcome to what we are now calling
the Edward Stevens Memorial Pheasant Hunt,
in memoy or poor Edward,
who died exactly one year ago today.
But, be or good cheer, for Edward died as he lived -
impersonating a pheasant.
This is the flnal step oryourjourney, Clone,
the beginning orthe rest oryour life.
- Oh, God! Shoot this woman! -What?
No, you're right - too many witnesses.
Are those dogs?
Well, if it isn't our vey own travel writer.
Look at you, standing there with your pen. It's vey exciting.
l'll bet l can shoot a bigger bird than you today.
Not unless you're contemplating suicide.
You might want to mention in your travel guide
that the hunt is an annual event.
Oh, yes,
the timeless rural mix or flrearms and inbreds.
Oh, no, no! We never let anyone from East BletherFord participate.
The hunt's over! They found me!
Yes, that's really sweet. Here, take your shotgun.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Excuse me?
Did youiust come out orthat tree?
Yep. l'm a bird watcher.
l've been putting up these feeders to attract rare species.
l'm hoping to get some good pictures. l'm on vacation. Name's Mark Travis.
You're an American.
l'm a librarian from Hazel Green, Wisconsin -
biggest small town in the tri-state area.
l think you're mistaking me for an American.
An awkward ''good morning'' will suMce.
You Brits have such a great sense or humour. Benny Hill?
Awesome!
Clone's a sweet kid, although l'd never have pegged him for a hunter.
- How do you know my son? - From the pub.
We've hung out a fewtimes.
Smile!
That's a nice one.
lf only there was some way to get this dog oflthe end ofthis gun.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Colonel Black?
Help yourselfto a drink.
Thank you, sir.
Not that one - it's poisoned.
What was the last fllm you saw, lan?
The last fllm l sawwas 1984,
in 1991.
l've given my life to the intelligence services.
The clone proiect was supposed to be my ticket
to secret fame and secret fortune.
Now all it's gonna get me is a bullet in the brain.
What are you talking about?
The Ministy of Defence doesn't know l lost the clone.
What?
They think he's still here, training, being studied.
Now they want to see him and l can't put them ofl any longer.
Help yourselfto a biscuit.
Not that one. It's semtex.
l've tried eveything.
l've commandeered satellites.
l've killed Frenchmen, Yanks, Croats, Cockneys.
l bugged your house. l bugged you!
l put a camera in your eye. l was gonna put this tracker up your arse!
But it's too late! And it's too big.
Why don't you put on some music?
Not that one!
lt's Huey Lewis... And The News.
Oh, lan.
What's become or me?
Do you know what l do evey night before l go to sleep?
l should probably be getting back. Maybe just pop it in an email.
l see the faces or all the people l've ever killed...
and l can't Iaugh at them anymore, lan.
l can't laugh.
- l... - Six years, lan.
l haven't had an erection for six years.
Come in! Come in! Come in!
Good news, sir. Looks like we've got something.
Someone's been selling secrets in the Lake District.
***
Looks like you're back in business.
lan, do you remember earlier when l made a reference to my penis?
Yes.
Could you now stop remembering that?
l really shouldn't drink in the a_ernoons.
lt makes me maudlin.
You never mentioned this Mark Travis before.
Oh, he's my American friend who likes to ask me lots or questions.
- l call him Question Mark. -What does he ask about?
All kinds ofthings - about you and me...
Mostly about you and me.
l don't like him. There's something wrong with him.
- He's a little too American. - l like him.
He talks like the movies.
l bet he's always involved in car chases and explosions
because he's a loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules -
unless they're HIS rules.
He's cute!
Yes, he is. Now, shoot it.
What? Why?
You have to kill a living thing.
lt's the flnal step.
Oh, l don't know.
lt iust feels mean to hurt a defenceless animal.
Defenceless?
Look at its murderous little eyes and beak.
Kill it! Kill it before it strikes.
- No? - l can't do it.
Yes, you can! It's what you're built for.
l guess l mean l won't.
Won't?! You have no choice.
- It's your nature. - It's not my nature.
- l made it all up. -What?
Evey night a_er you went to bed, l stayed up reading Guns And Ammo
and Soldier Of Fortune and Bigguns,
which, it turns out, is not about big guns at all.
- You lied to me! - l was tying to make you happy.
You expect me to be happy when, a_er all this time,
you're still nothing but a total, abject failure?
- That's not true, Dad! - You knowthe truth?
l hate you, Clone. l hate you with evey flibre of my being.
- Have you come to apologise? - Yes.
l'm sory my dad's kind ora dick.
Ever since l discovered the cure for male pattern baldness,
l've received so many grateful letters.
Well, of course, l have to say l'm incredibly grateful myself
to have my hair back. And the most amazing thing -
l'd forgotten l was blond.
- It suits you. - Thanks.
But, ifl can be serious for a moment,
over 700/o or men, at some point in their lives,
will experience hair problems.
Someone was telling me - a researcher on this show -
that you came up with this idea over a weekend.
lt says here all you had to do was - let me get this right -
''Arrest the lysosomal decay or follicle cells using a combination
''or hormone therapy and retroviral gene-splicing.''
How does aiunior doctor with a degree from East Anglia come up with this?
l'd tell you, but you wouldn't be able to understand it, blondie!
That's true enough.
Final question. Once this medication is available worldwide
and there are no more bald people, how are we to tell
who the racists and homosexual bodybuilders really are?
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Gulick.
Excuse me, could l have an autograph for my bald sister?
Oh, sory, l don't have a pen.
Here, use mine.
Take him back to base. l'lljoin you presently.
l don't want to miss Coldplay.
Surprise!
-What is? - Me stopping by...
- with some flowers. - That's a wreath!
l know. They were giving them away in the churchyard.
J l think it stands for ''Rose is pretty''.
What's this for?
l've decided to take you up on your ofler to stay with you forever.
- But that's not... - Don't wory, l won't be anytrouble.
- Starting now. - What did your dad do?
Nothing. Eveything's great.
We iust decided we needed some time apart.
Actually, it was more me than him, but he's cool with it too.
So what do you want to do flrst, roomie?
l was about to get something to eat. Do you want dinner?
Dad and l used to have dinner.
Hello there.
Putting up more bird feeders?
- Isn't that cheating? - Well,
l want to make sure l capture something interesting before l leave.
Something like a crested sheldrake?
Oh, l wish!
Only problem is that bird's extinct, buddy.
Yes. Yes, orcourse.
l hope you don't mind, but l Iooked up the libray in Wisconsin
- you said you worked at. - Did you?
l did.
The Hazel Green Public Libray.
- Right across the road from... - City Hall.
1610 FairplayAvenue, ofl Route 80.
You seem to know your own address.
lt would be pretty suspicious if l said l worked at a libray
in Wisconsin and didn't know where it was. Wouldn't you agree?
Unless the librarian thing was just a cover stoy.
What's the name orthe head librarian?
Got you! No, wait - it is Becky Lee.
Perhaps you really are a librarian.
l should probably get going.
l can't tell you what a thrill it's been to meet you.
l've read ALL your travel books.
You're better ofl on your own an_ay.
- l know something that'd cheer you up. - There's nothing you can do.
l think there is.
Oh, sigh. Mumble, mumble.
Come on, Clone. Let's dance.
- You know you want to. - l can't right now. l'm sory.
- Up! Get up. - l can't.
l'm never dancing again.
l don't think the lower halfofyou agrees.
- Give it up. It'll never happen. - l think it's happening right now.
Look, you're a good friend and l appreciate you tying to help me,
but all l want to do right now is sleep.
How long has my body been dancing without telling me?
A while.
Sory.
That's...
- not right. - Well,
l haven't had any formal training.
- Checking up on Clone? - What?
Well, it's not living with you any more.
As a bird watcher l'm trained to be obser'vant.
As a librarian, aren't you trained to keep quiet?
Touche!
You knowwhat l like about this game, Victor?
lt's like life.
You stack up something complicated, intricate,
like lies, maybe.
You can plan, you can connive
but, sooner or later it all comes tumbling dówn.
Do you... Jenga?
The lesson orJenga
is that, no matterwhat you do,
there is always someone ready to pull the rug out from underneath you.
lt looks like we have a game.
ls this what you do in Wisconsin
when you aren't wrestling with the Dynix
computerised card catalogue system?
Or the Horizon system? That's the one we switched to in '06.
Bugger!
You knowwhat l can't help noticing?
You and Clone look nothing alike.
That's because he takes a_er...
his mother.
But you have several dominant genetic traits which he doesn't.
That seems WEIRD.
You know a lot about genetics for a librarian.
You know a lot about obscure computer storage systems
for a travel writer.
You know a lot about repeating what l say.
Problem is, Victor, you got sloppy.
You knocked the table!
l don't mean the game.
You sold a Government secret.
Did you think they wouldn't notice?!
What?
- Sory, we have to go. - l'm not going an_here with you.
l like it here.
When Rose asks me to open up, she's not holding a scalpel.
She's iust listening.
Clone, or all the times l've ever told you to shut up,
this is the one l mean the most. Shut up!
They've found us. Let's go.
No, l won't.
Clone, ifVictor says you have to go, you have to go. l believe him.
Well, l don't.
He's iust tying to trick me so l'll go and live with him again.
lt's a good trick - l'll give him that.
Hello, Victor. Shithead.
Absolutely terriflc to see you boys again.
l might iust have sex with my wife tonight.
Colonel Black, you're a vey tricky man to get hold or.
l have leR so many messages foryou.
You might want to flre that secretay.
lfyou mean my ex-secretay, she's long dead.
lfyou mean my current secretay, she's dead.
First things flrst, give me the laptop.
Excuse me, can l see your warrant?
l'm sory, is it written on your guns?
Stop. These guys aren't fans orsass.
That's all right.
You know perFectly well that no-one's walking out or here.
Look, she doesn't know anything and Clone - well...
he knows even less. He's totally defenceless.
lfyou let him live,
l'll spend the rest of my life growing new soldiers for you,
oryou caniust shoot me.
l don't care. Just let them go.
Here's my counter ofler.
l let none oryou go
and shoot all oryou many more times than necessay.
Say goodbye to Daddy.
Goodbye.
Clone!
- What iust happened? - We'll talk about it later. Let's go.
- You've gotta get out or here! - l guess this is goodbye.
There's no time forthat. There's time forthis.
Dr Victor Blenkinsop - pleased to meet you.
Bye, Rose. See you at work on Monday.
l'll explain later. Come on.
Shit! There's no way out. Come on.
Here, take my car.
What?
- How do l know l can trust you? - What choice do you have?
- At least tell me who you work for. - l work for the Clone.
Go!
Jesus Christ!
Well, we know he's not CIA.
No-one from Langley would drive this piece or shit.
Quick, get in the car.
l want them captured and killed.
They're headed south...
iust like my erection.
Probablyiust stress, sir.
Sory. l forgot you were here.
Go, you stupid car! Go!
- It's true. - What?
lt's iust like the movies.
There are guns and a car chase!
This hardly qualifles as a car chase.
All we need is an explosion.
Why are they stopping?
lt must have been an electromagnetic pulse.
lt knocks out all the electronics,
and cars are so computerised these days,
so only an old car
without all the electrical bells and whistles
would still keep driving.
-We're safe! - Forthe moment.
And you care about me?
- Looks like. - So can l hug you?
Quick one.
OK, that's enough.
Seriously, that's ENOUGH!
l don't normally stop for hitchhikers.
You're late.
How'd it go?
Not bad.