(SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV)
Well, I removed three marbles from that kid.
Fourth one's a part of his head now.
Oh, you're all watching college football?
Sorry, Carol, we can't have it on PBS all the time.
Let me guess: you disapprove.
Guys, you've got me all wrong. I love college football.
I grew up in the Midwest, so it's just a part of who I am.
My first crush was a cardboard cutout of John Madden.
Ooh, Carol likes a man with some meat on his bones.
Personally, I don't enjoy college football
because the coaches and universities make millions
while the players get paid in dining hall chicken nuggets.
Fun fact: The, uh, quarterback in the green pants,
Darrin Alexander, is dating Jerrica,
my 13th favorite social media influencer.
Oh, right.
The one who sells the juice cleanse on Instagram.
Guys, guys, shh.
If they don't convert this third down,
your friend Darrin is heading back to No-win-diana.
That's what we call Western Indiana, because they never win.
'Cause they're losers.
ANNOUNCER: Alexander drops back to pass.
- And he is sacked! - ALL: Ooh!
What a hit. Alexander is down.
Ooh, he lost a shoe. That's bad.
He's not getting up.
Wait a second. We're the nearest hospital
to the stadium, so if he gets injured, we'll get him.
Oh, my God, how cool would it be if he came here
and Jerrica visited and we became best friends?
The trainers are waving the ambulance onto the field.
- (GASPS) - Darrin is coming to Loyola Memorial!
(ALL CHEERING)
♪♪
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
(BEEP)
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right, everyone,
I'm assigning the new patient in 510.
He's a college football player...
Hands down.
This isn't a game show.
The patient suffered a small pneumothorax
as a result of a rib fracture.
He will be recovering here until he flies back to Indiana.
I understand the patient is somewhat of a celebrity,
so whoever I assign needs to exercise the utmost discretion.
Dr. Jacobs, if I may, it's only fair that a college athlete
be treated by a former college athlete, someone who understands
the pressure of being in the spotlight.
You played intramural baseball
and had to pay for your own jerseys.
(CLEARS THROAT)
As a former college student and current Instagram enthusiast...
- No. - As the third person to speak...
No.
Dr. Kenney has miraculously remained quiet
during all of this.
That is the kind of discretion we are looking for.
He's yours.
But you didn't even say anything.
That's right, No-win-terns.
I played that perfectly and kept quiet.
And keeping quiet is not easy for me.
I mean, you guys know.
I'm not allowed back into three movie theaters.
Kenney gets the handoff.
Ooh, to the ten.
She's at the five.
She's got one man to beat.
And scores! Touchdown!
Well, I guess that answers the question of
whether Carol still has her real hips.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Oh, Doctor...
Oh, careful. You don't want to lose your...
- Copaphil? - Yeah.
It's my company's new erectile dysfunction medication.
And yes, that's a horse jumping over a fence.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I have no idea what it has to do with erectile dysfunction.
Another E.D. med?
Isn't the market a little oversaturated?
Yeah, but at least this one has new features.
It has fewer side effects,
you don't have to take it with meals,
and it lasts over four hours.
Over four hours?
Is that a benefit or a punishment?
Either way, sounds like a long afternoon.
Afternoon?
Well, a lot of the people who take these drugs are older,
so afternoon is basically their night.
Well, I found your pitch to be fantastic. I'd prescribe it.
Well, I wish anyone cared what interns thought.
Because if I can't get other doctors to prescribe this,
I won't hit my quarterly goal.
You got this, Jenny Kenney.
Thanks.
It's cute how your name rhymes.
Daniel, I know we had some fun at the bar the other night...
Yeah, I was really charming.
But I should probably tell you, I have a rule.
I don't date doctors.
Yeah, well, that's perfect,
because, uh, I actually have a rule, too.
I don't date pharma reps.
Good. Because I think we should stay friends.
Good. Same.
Friends.
Just try not to stare at me when I walk away.
For your sake, it's probably good this coat covers my tushy.
(CHUCKLES)
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'm Dr. Kenney.
Tom Dean, head coach, Western Indiana University.
Great to meet you, Coach.
I'm an admirer of your career,
except when you play Michigan State.
- Oh, you went to Michigan State. - Mm-hmm.
You sure you're a real doctor? (LAUGHS)
Are you sure you're a real football team?
(DEAN LAUGHS)
- Ooh, feisty Spartan. - (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Well, I used to be a teacher.
A lot of my students were athletes, so...
I am down to clown.
It was eight years ago. I'm a little rusty.
So, Darrin, are your parents joining us?
My mom's flying in.
So you incurred a collapsed lung when you got hit.
It'll probably improve on its own,
but we just want to monitor it.
How you feeling right now?
I think he's feeling pretty good.
I'm feeling pretty good.
Uh-huh.
And how do you feel when you breathe?
- (GASPS) - Oh.
So, a little pain there.
Nope. He's good.
Darrin, what would you say?
Yep, I'm good.
So, Doc, look, can my man go home now
and get ready for next week's game?
I mean, look at him. He's fine.
The hit he took was no big deal.
No big deal?
A 300-pound man fell on his lung.
Yeah, but I'll tell you what, if my man had
gotten out of the pocket sooner,
he could've scrambled for a first down.
And I would have, but I was out of gas.
Wait, you were fatigued before the hit?
Of course he was fatigued, Doc. He was playing football.
Not step aerobics.
First of all, step aerobics is exhausting.
- (CHUCKLES) - Secondly,
it was only the first quarter and your third possession
after two lame three-and-out drives.
So he should've been fine.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, snap, Coach.
Did you just get roasted by a tiny doctor?
Thank you.
I'm gonna order some tests to work this up,
and I'm not gonna clear Darrin for travel
unless everything comes back negative.
Okay, you know what, then? Maybe, uh... maybe I just need
to find another doctor to discharge Darrin.
Well, you are welcome to try.
But there isn't a doctor in this hospital
who would release him at this point.
So if you want to spend more time here, go ahead.
Otherwise, I will run some tests.
Hmm? Does that work for you, Darrin?
That works.
Great.
You know what doesn't work?
Your red zone offense.
Hey. So I've been thinking about it,
and I'm pretty sure the picture on the box is meant to represent
a stallion jumping over the hurdle of impotence.
- How's sales? - (SIGHS) Awful.
I feel like I'm working at Costco.
Everyone just keeps taking samples and not buying anything.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, if it helps, it's two-for-one burrito day,
and I got you one.
For free, but, you know, it's the thought.
Okay. Because you remember what I said earlier?
Yes, you are a professional woman
who won't date a single, attractive, successful doctor.
Eh, I would, but Dr. Frost is too old for me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Look, this is fun,
but I know your type:
handsome, hotshot doctor who only cares about himself.
Hey, that's not true.
I'm also highly intelligent.
(JENNY CHUCKLES)
- And so humble. - Exactly.
So what's the real reason? Is it because of your mom?
Because I can take her.
Well, maybe. She's scrappy.
Thanks for the burrito, friend.
Do you need a Big Gulp?
(SINGSONGY): 'Cause you look pretty thirsty.
Guys, Jenny and I are just friends.
Oh, really? 'Cause we're your friends,
and you've bought us lunch zero times.
One time, you stole my lunch.
(CHUCKLES)
In fact, you owe me a burrito.
Dr. Kenney?
We need to talk to you.
Yeah, I-I know, I know. I was short with the coach.
That's not it.
We got the results of Darrin's echo.
He has hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy.
As an athlete, he runs the risk of a fatal cardiac event.
Oh, now I have to tell that poor kid
he needs to stop playing football.
I wish his mom was here already; I can't get through to him
with that jerk-nose coach in the room.
- "Jerk-nose"? - Yeah, jerk-nose.
He doesn't care about Darrin's health.
He just wants to get that kid back out onto the field.
Oh, he can't be that callous.
Unfortunately, it's very common.
When I ran track at Stanford,
my coach pushed me to run, even after I pulled my hamstring.
That's terrible.
I agree with Dr. Kenney.
She should deliver the news to Darrin and Darrin alone.
But if Coach Dean sees me, he's not going anywhere.
Well, then let's get him out of there.
Ooh. Subterfuge.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey. Oh, sorry to interrupt.
Dr. Stephen Frost, department chair.
One might say I'm the head coach of the hospital.
Oh, hey. I guess that makes me
head surgeon of the football program.
(BOTH LAUGH)
No.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Coach, I'd like to discuss Darrin's travel arrangements
to help expedite his discharge.
Oh, fantastic.
Paperwork's in my office. You want to come with me?
Uh, could you bring the papers in here?
I don't want to leave my guy.
Ah...
there's the rub.
It's an e-document.
Uh, you have to be signed on to the hospital portal and...
Oh, can I just use my phone, then?
Ah, well, it's not compatible with... What-what phone do you have?
- iPhone. - Oh. (SCOFFS) Definitely not.
(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)
- Let's go. - Okay.
(SIGHS) Hi, Darrin.
Um, I wanted to talk to you about your test results.
(SIGHS)
You have a condition
called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
Is that bad?
It can be.
But the good news is it's manageable.
Under the care of a cardiologist,
you could live a normal life.
But... (SIGHS)
if you keep playing sports, there's a 10% chance
that your heart could give out on the field.
And the only way to significantly reduce the risk
is to stop playing football.
Okay, I understand.
So am I cleared to go home?
Wow.
You are taking this really well.
I know football is a big part of your life,
but there's a future outside of it.
You know, I wasn't always a doctor.
Not a lot of people know this, but I used to be an educator.
Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant.
I-I'm gonna keep playing football.
Excuse me?
You said if I keep playing, there's only a 10% chance
something really bad could happen.
Yes, but are you willing to risk your life for a game?
Doctors aren't always right.
When I shattered my leg, doctors told me to stop playing.
I didn't listen.
Now I'm a starter, a captain.
And I have a girlfriend with the number one selling juice line.
I'm playing.
(SIGHS)
You know, your girlfriend will love you no matter what you do.
That's 100% not true.
But if you just give me some time to explain...
That doctor gave me the runaround.
Of course. It's you.
Well, I'm not thrilled to see you either.
- All right, that's it, Darrin. We're leaving. - Great.
Can I take a second to change into my normal clothes?
This gown doesn't cover my butt.
No. You are keeping that butt in that bed.
Darrin has a serious condition.
- But I'm good. - He's good.
He's not good!
All right, somebody better get me some pants,
'cause I'm about to stand up.
Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Dr. Kenney, face it, you're out of plays.
Okay? We are leaving this hospital.
WOMAN: Where is my son?
- Darrin. - Mom.
Mom.
I have been so scared since I heard.
Not to worry, Kathleen. I've got everything covered, okay?
Coach, thank you so much for keeping Darrin company,
but if you don't mind, I'd like to speak to the doctor, alone.
Thank you.
This is better than when you lost
in overtime to Northwestern.
They were holding on that touchdown.
Tell it to the scoreboard.
- Let's talk. - Okay.
But wouldn't your patients be happier
with fewer negative drug interactions?
I'm sorry, Ms. Kenney, but I don't need to hear the pitch.
I don't see the point in switching E.D. medications.
Hey.
Well, that's it.
That was my last shot.
My quarter is screwed.
Excuse me, Dr. Gilbert.
I couldn't help but overhear you.
I'd love to be able to prescribe an E.D. med
that didn't interfere with other medications.
Trust me, they're all the same.
Just prescribe what we have.
Actually, sir, they're not the same.
And I'm not speaking as a doctor,
I'm speaking as a patient.
Because...
... I have erectile dysfunction.
And as someone who suffers from E.D.,
I'd love a pill that had fewer side effects,
could be taken without food, and lasted longer than four hours.
It's very important to me.
For my E.D.
Thank you, Dr. Kutcher.
It's helpful to hear from someone with
personal experience.
Okay, Ms. Kenney, I'll hear you out.
(WHISPERS): Thank you.
Just so we're clear...
... I do not have E.D.
So if you don't have E.D.,
you just did that because you have a massive crush on Jenny?
No.
Oh, so then you do have E.D.
No.
- So if you don't have E.D., you like Jenny. - It's not a riddle!
Sometimes people just do things.
Hey, we're your friends.
You can stop being ashamed.
It's time to start using your voice,
since you can't use your penis.
I can use my penis.
Oh, they've been in there a while, huh?
Darrin's got a new voice in his ear now.
A mom voice.
Is it like a tiny doctor voice?
'Cause that one's pretty annoying.
Don't be too upset.
You played a good offensive game,
but you just were no match for my defense.
Okay, please, please stop talking about football.
Yeah, I'm sick of it, too.
Hey.
Oh. So did you two have a good talk?
- We did. - Great. I am so glad, because...
Darrin's gonna keep playing.
What?
Yes!
We are out of here.
Uh, hang on, hang on.
So you're just going along with this?
I thought you would be on my side.
Excuse me?
I'm a mother, too.
And I just don't understand how you could let Darrin
make such a dangerous decision.
Aren't you scared?
(CHUCKLES) He plays football.
I'm never not scared.
Well, it's gonna be a whole lot scarier for you
after this diagnosis.
Didn't you say that there's a 90% chance that he'll be fine?
- Well, yes, but... - And, plus, we looked it up.
There are plenty of professional players with this condition
who continue to play.
I suppose technically that's true.
But as a physician, I have to strongly advise against this.
He's over 18. His mind is made up.
- So what I can do is support his dream. - (SIGHS)
Football is what he loves most in the world.
I won't take that away from him.
Even if it keeps him safe?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can you guarantee my son a life
where nothing bad will ever happen to him?
- Because I can't. - (SIGHS)
I don't understand.
You don't have to.
Oh. Daniel, I have great news.
I hit my quarterly goal!
I couldn't have done it without you.
- Seriously, thank you. - (LAUGHS) You're welcome.
What's most important to me is that I helped you.
But what's a close second,
and actually first, is that you know that I was lying.
My bathing suit areas are a go. Okay?
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
Are you free for a thank-you dinner?
Outside the hospital?
But that-that sounds like a...
Oh.
I thought you don't go out with doctors.
I'm not going out with a doctor.
You're going out with me.
Just try not to watch me as I walk away.
It's a good thing my bag covers my tushy.
(SIGHS)
Okay, what's the plan to make this right?
Call the university. The athletic director.
No, the dean.
Ooh, does Darrin have a grandma?
I understand your frustration.
- You can't call his grandma. - (SIGHS)
You're right. Grandpa.
Dr. Kenney!
How our patients choose to live their lives
once they leave our care is ultimately up to them.
(SIGHS) It's just...
I busted my butt through four years of med school
because I wanted to help people.
I mean, why did I put myself through all of that
just to have patients disregard my advice?
(SCOFFS)
I didn't have to become a doctor, you know.
I could've been the...
the sassy local librarian.
I could've sold honey at the farmers market.
I could've just really got into drinking.
All noble pursuits.
But I don't think you'd get the same level
of satisfaction you get from practicing medicine.
Your commitment to your patients
is what makes you a great doctor.
It's also what makes it so hard to let go.
Yeah.
Well, letting go isn't my strong suit.
You know, I used to give my students my phone number
in case they had problems.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I hope you're not
doing that with your patients.
No. Of course not.
- (RINGTONE PLAYING) - Oh. Excuse me.
Hello.
How's your appendectomy scar healing?
Great.
I think our patient in 506 needs a surgery consult.
I couldn't reduce the hernia.
Uh, I concur, but we should get a second opinion.
What do you think, Dr. Saggy Peen?
(SNICKERS)
Okay, enough.
You've had a good run. It's over.
- I don't want to hear any more about this. - Fine.
But you should know we did tell one other person.
Look at this brave boy right here.
Daniel, what you did today took a lot of courage.
- Carol... - And I just want to tell you,
you are not less of a man for sharing, you're more of a man.
Erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of.
Carol, I don't have erectile dysfunction.
Then why did you tell Dr. Gilbert you did?
Yeah, Daniel.
Why would you say such a thing if it weren't true?
Because I...
I have erectile dysfunction.