- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
My desert island "All-Time Top Five Most Memorable Heartbreaks"
in chronological order are as follows:
Kevin Bannister,
Kat Monroe,
Simon Miller,
- Justin Kitt... - Okay...
that's everything, I think.
I mean, you don't have to go this second.
I know, but
I think it's best if I do, so...
Just stay for tonight.
No.
Okay, just stay for a drink, then.
No. I don't think a drink's gonna do it, Rob.
Yeah, how about, how about two drinks?
Jesus Christ, can we just make this just a little bit easy, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, is this inconvenient for you?
You know what? I'm just gonna go. All right?
Wait, Mac.
- Mac? - What?
We're on the wrong side of the rock.
Rob, don't start.
Remember?
Remember when we were in the park
and we were listening to Talking Book and...
we were having such a nice day, and that stupid fucking couple
on the other side of the rock
was just screaming at each other the whole time?
Yeah.
I remember.
We... we promised.
You know, we promised that if we ever
found ourselves on that side of the rock
that we would remind each other to come back
to our side of the rock, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
So this is me reminding you.
Yeah, whatever.
I remember.
I just, uh, I just can't remember what it felt like, Rob.
Right.
I'm gonna go, 'cause...
I'll see ya.
Bye.
Congratulations.
You've made it to the Top Five, Mac.
Number five,
with a bullet.
Welcome.
♪ You make me sick ♪
♪ Hey Baby you've got a lot to learn ♪
♪ I've been down and now it's your turn ♪
♪ Never guess I'd see through you ♪
♪ You make me sick ♪
- Hello. - What up?
What's up, Cam, what you doing?
Nothin', uh, we're just coming back from Mom and Dad's.
Mom gave us a ton of your old baby shit.
Consider that your shower gift.
Mmm, didn't you hear? There's not gonna be a shower.
We're in full denial that this baby is even coming.
- Hi, Nicky. - Hi, boo.
- What's up? - Uh, so, hey,
Mom said she hadn't talked to you in a while.
She wanted me to call and just
- see if you're... - Happily married with three kids
and a German Shepherd?
- Hold on, let me check. - You got jokes. I get it.
But, seriously, uh, tonight, I'm going for drinks with my buddy Caleb.
I ever introduce you to Caleb?
He's cute.
Are you seriously trying to set me up
with one of your friends right now, Cam?
- No, I just... - 'Cause historically speaking, man,
- that shit doesn't go so well. - I know.
But it's been like a year.
I just thought maybe it's time to, you know,
get back on the horse or whatever.
- Mom, is that you? - Yeah, all right, don't do that. I tried.
You don't have to try. I'm totally fine.
I actually have a date tonight, so...
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
- Cam, I do. - Wait, do you really have...
Yeah, I have to go. I've to go for my... get ready for my date.
- Okay, bye. - Wait, wait, Rob...
I could have a date.
If I wanted to.
And I want to.
'Cause I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
I'm not fine. I'm not ready. This is fucked.
Yeah, so then I just drove here from Colorado.
You know?
Um, lived out there for a long time.
And, uh, I always wanted to live in New York City, so,
uh, here I am.
- Cool, man. - Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
If you got the time, you can really, like,
you can make a thing where you can go to all these,
uh, national parks along the way.
Just the change in topography
across the country as you drive is remarkable.
- Mm-hmm. - Badlands and, uh, Zion and...
Man, it's gorgeous. It's unbelievable.
What did you do to your hand?
Oh, uh, bike messenger on the way here, actually.
What happened?
I mean, uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay.
I'll be here.
I will be here.
Nope.
Look, I know this is a dick move and he seems like a super-nice guy.
I'm just...
I'm not ready. You know?
It's... it's too soon. It's too soon, and I'm not ready, and I...
My phone.
Okay.
- What's up? - Oh, hey.
Oh, man, I was... pretty sure for a minute there
you were trying to sneak out.
No, I was...
- Oh! No. No, no, no. You're good. - Shit! I'm so sorry.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
- Dammit. Sorry. - Don't even worry about it.
- Yeah, hey. - I'm sorry.
Look,
these things are tricky.
Right? It's ju... It's hard.
That was very nice of you.
Do you want another round?
Yeah.
So you own a record shop?
- Yes, I do. - Oh, that's cool.
It's, uh, it's not as glamorous as it sounds.
It sounds really cool. It sounds cool.
Uh, question.
Answer.
If I were to admit out loud to you right now
that I truly,
no joke,
love this song,
would you get up and leave?
Hell, I love this song.
- All right. - This is a great song.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I don't love Rumours as a whole.
Okay.
I prefer Tusk. Controversial, I know.
Yeah, no doubt.
No, Rumours is cool, Rumours is cool. I mean, The Chain,
which is sick.
Don't Stop's more like no, stop, please, stop.
Sure.
Second Hand News, yes.
Go Your Own Way,
- yes. - Yes. Okay.
To me, this band's more about the drama.
You know what I mean? Like, you can hear it
when you listen to the music.
You have all that shit with Stevie and Lindsey
and John and Christine
and Bob Weston and Mick Fleetwood's wife.
Lindsey... that other chick, I can't remember her name,
Christine, and the fucking sound engineer.
I mean, it's fucking bonkers.
- Yeah. Yeah. - You know? You can hear it.
When you listen to it.
I'm still talking. I'm so sorry.
Um, to answer your very simple... question,
yes, I enjoy this song.
Oh, good. Good, good, good.
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.
No, man, that was great.
- Yeah. - Um...
- follow-up question. - Mm-hmm.
Um, are you gonna get up and leave now
'cause I don't know enough about Fleetwood Mac?
- Yes. - Oh, come on, I thought this was good.
- I'm gonna go. Yeah, I'm gonna go. - Really?
- I'm gonna jet. I'm gonna jet. - Oh no. This was great.
No, seriously, though, I think I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna go.
Oh, for real?
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Uh, this was fun.
Do you, um, do you wanna give me a ride?
Yeah.
It's, uh, this one on the right.
Hey, am I okay here?
Uh-huh. Come on.
♪ My love for you baby ♪
♪ Is like a roller-coaster ♪
♪ It goes up ♪ ♪ Up ♪
♪ Down ♪ ♪ Down ♪
♪ Anyway you want it, baby ♪
♪ Up ♪
♪ Down ♪
I haven't had sex for a year.
Oh, shit.
♪ My love for you, baby ♪
♪ Is like a merry-go-round ♪
♪ It goes up ♪ ♪ Up ♪
♪ Down ♪ ♪ Down ♪
♪ And all around, baby ♪
Are you hungry?
Ish.
We, uh,
we got anything good?
It does not appear so, no.
Ever go to Raul's?
That place is near here.
They got a great breakfast.
Don't you live in Astoria?
Yeah.
Yeah, I like their French toast.
Plus it's next to my climbing gym.
So...
So, what? You want to go to breakfast now?
Or in the morning.
Okay. Maybe.
Cool.
I was trying to sneak out.
Yeah, I know.
Good night.
Hey.
Come here.
Hello?
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
Of course it was the nice guy.
It's always the nice guy.
Fuckin' breakfast.
And this, ladies and gentlemen,
is why you don't get back on the fucking horse.
Not that I needed another reminder.
I have all the reminders I need.
Like Kevin Bannister, Kat Monroe,
Simon Miller, Justin Kitt.
Russell McCormack.
Number one.
♪ Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown ♪
♪ They say I'm the cutest boy in town! ♪
- Kevin Bannister. - Hey.
- Hi. - What you listening to?
Weezer.
I lied. It was Frank Zappa.
- Cool. - All white guys love Weezer.
Our relationship lasted exactly six hours.
For two hours after school before Xena: Warrior Princess
for three days in a row.
But on the fourth day,
fucking Hannah Shepherd.
What a slut.
♪ Whatever it is, wherever we go ♪
♪ Whatever we do, whoever we know ♪
Need a pack?
- Dude, I quit. - Right.
Thanks, Carlos.
Number two on the "Top Five, All-Time Heartbreak" List
is Kat Monroe.
Kat was gorgeous
and interesting and just... just cool.
Like, real cool.
True cool.
Kat talked a lot, and she would say
these remarkably interesting things.
... some fucking negative space.
I mean, how much longer can we take this brutalist masculinity?
We went out for a year, and I never got comfortable.
Looking back, I didn't stand a fuckin' chance.
Kat!
You fucking bitch!
Let's work it out!
It wasn't just that I wasn't glamorous
or interesting enough for Kat.
Which I wasn't.
The real issue
is that Kat had a type.
Tall, blonde,
white.
Kat!
Shut the fuck up!
Okay, so, here's how not to plan a career.
One, split up with girlfriend.
Two, ditch college.
Three, go to work in struggling record shop.
Four, become owner of said record shop
and stay there for rest of life.
And five...
Well, there is no five.
Anyway,
Kat and I, we never really... matched.
But number three on the list, Simon Miller,
phew.
We matched.
- Hey. - No requests, dude.
No, no, is this Radio Stars?
- What? - It's Radio Stars, right?
Yeah.
Fuckin' love these guys.
Yeah, me too.
We were both alone in the city,
and we felt that way,
lonely.
We liked all the same things.
Whiskey neat, pretentious films.
But, most importantly, music.
Simon had a theory.
The things that you like are as important...
no, no, no, more important than what you are like.
- Yes. Yes! - See what I'm saying?
- Movies, TV, film, literature, poetry... - Shit matters.
It matters, right?
And it's no good in just pretending
some relationship is gonna fucking magically work
if you don't like most of the same things.
Yeah, call me shallow. It's the fucking truth.
Sorry.
Turns out, we liked even more of the same things than we thought.
I guess I'm gay.
Come here.
And that was the end of that.
We've got a bit of everything:
rock, electronic, hip-hop, pop.
To quote our lone Yelp review,
"Decently curated cuts, unpretentious location,
owner's a little rude." Two-and-a-half stars.
Half the neighborhood thinks we're washed-up relics,
the other half thinks we're nostalgic hipsters.
They're both kinda right.
- Hey, Rob. - Hey, Simon.
He needed the cash.
So I hire him a few days a week.
And he just starts showing up every day.
That was three years ago.
- You have a good night? - Oh yeah.
Yeah. I found the original pressing of Gallop. Lena Platonos.
Dope. Dope, dope, dope.
Yeah. Remember how I said I was just gonna go ahead and buy the reissue
'cause the original was just like, nowhere?
- Mm-hmm. - Well, I found the original.
Very cool.
Beautiful condition.
What happened to your hand?
- Oh, nothing. - What'd you do last night?
Uh... went on a date.
A date?
What up, babies?
Unh-unh. What the fuck is this?
- What is this? What is this? - Lena Platonos.
- What? - Original pressing.
Oh, my God. I don't care.
Put on some real music.
Shall we?
Hit me.
Woo-wee!
Yo, you know what's so fucking crazy?
I had a fucking dream about this shit last night.
- Were you wearing the overalls? - Yeah.
It was so crazy, I had a dream about it
and then... Yeah, man.
And then I was like, yo, I gotta listen to this song.
And I had to... I had to listen to it and see if I really like it.
And I forgot, this song is dope as shit!
Come on, come on, come on.
♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
Good morning, Rob!
Oh! Forget you then.
Mm, mm, mm.
♪ Sounded sad upon the radio ♪
♪ But he moved a million hearts in mono ♪
Turn it off, Cherise!
Huh?
Turn this shit off, man!
No, it won't go up any higher! I already tried!
- Turn this shit... - What is she saying? I can't hear her.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up.
- Simon, move. - Ow.
Stop. What the fuck!
Yo!
That song was on the "Monday Morning Playlist."
I made it special for you all! Special!
Yeah? Well, it's fuckin' Tuesday, dude.
No shit. Today's fuckin' Tuesday?
- Yeah, it's Tuesday. - Oh shit.
Well, Simon...
Simon?
- Simon? - What?
Simon, do you wanna know what the next song is?
- I'm gonna play a... - What's the next song?
- Can't Take My Eyes off of You. - Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons?
Come on, Rob. Why is he starting?
- No! Lauryn Hill! - Oh.
- Oh? - Oh God.
- Why are you oh'ing? - No reason.
No, there's a reason why you're oh'ing. Look at me in my eyes
and tell me what the fuck is wrong with Lauryn Hill.
- Why are you oh'ing? - Nothing. I just...
- Nothing is wrong. - I know there's nothing wrong with her.
I mean, she shows up late to her concerts, but other than that...
I prefer the original!
That's bullshit!
How can it be bullshit to state a preference?
It's bullshit because it's a bullshit preference!
No, that doesn't work. You don't...
I don't care. You can slap your hands. I can slap my hands.
I...
Well, why is she... why's she slammin' doors? What's wrong with her?
She went on a date last night.
Well...
Number Four on the "Top Five Heartbreak" List
is Justin Kitt.
Justin was... an odd choice.
His top five recording artists were Jay-Z,
Eminem, Linkin Park,
Aerosmith, and The Dave Matthews Band.
So...
Yeah, he was kind of an asshole.
I took a test to see if I have a digital addiction the other day.
I took the test online first of all, so hello!
He was also a stand-up comedian.
Which at the time seemed, I don't know, vaguely intriguing.
But Justin had a thing.
You know, some qualities that made being around him exciting.
Qualities like confidence and magnetism and a... girlfriend.
I suppose my mid-20s felt a little short on intrigue.
We met in secret and talked on the phone in secret,
had sex in secret,
and we dreamt about how cool it would be
when we didn't have to do things in secret...
And then one day, we weren't doing things in secret anymore...
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
- Sorry. Sorry. - Don't you fuckin' touch me!
- I'll see you later. - Okay.
Which was significantly less exciting.
So, naturally, I decided to have his name tattooed on my arm.
In retrospect, we were both kind of assholes.
Excuse me. May I help you?
No, I'm good. Thanks.
You do know there's an actual person
standing right here in front of you.
You aware? I'm here.
She's right there.
I'm sorry, I just thought Shazam would be easier.
Oh, okay, so you thought Shazam would be easier.
So, it's so hard for you to open up your fine-ass motherfuckin' mouth
and say to me, "Hey, Miss,
I think this song is fly as shit.
Do you by chance know who sings it?"
At which point, I would say to you,
"Yes, you motherfuckin' fine-ass Italian Stallion.
I do know. It's Lescop.
They are French, and it's located right"...
- Right over here. - Right over here. How much is it, Johnny?
- It's twenty bucks. - Twenty dollars! The motherfuckin' shit's on sale.
This place blows.
You better be glad you find the shit.
Nice work, you two.
Just fuckin' quality, quality work.
Scare away our only fuckin' customer.
And sexually harass him.
Yo, what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
The boy is fine and dumb, okay?
Shit, it's my fault I'm the asshole in this situation?
No. No, the guy was a tool.
Exactly! You know, that's what I've been tryin' to tell these kids.
You need to fuckin' earn something.
You know, buy something.
Have some goddamn respect.
See, the problem with these kids is
that the generation is completely fucked off.
Their generation. Which generation are you a part of, Cherise?
None! Because I have opted out.
All right, kids. Let's shut this shit down.
Oh, yeah!
Come on, Rob. Get it, girl, get it!
Ha ha!
Y'all sexy...
♪ Too-ra-loo-ra ♪
♪ Too-ra-loo-rye, ay ♪
♪ And we can sing just like our fathers ♪
♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
♪ Oh, I swear ♪ ♪ What he means ♪
♪ At this moment ♪
♪ You mean everything ♪
All right, fuck it, let's do this.
Number five on the "Top Five All-Time Heartbreak" List
is Russell McCormack.
Yeah.
AKA Mac.
- Hi. - Russell.
Rob. Nice to meet you.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
My brother wasn't exactly trying to set us up.
But he didn't exactly have to.
It just... happened.
♪ Didn't I treat you right, now? ♪
♪ Didn't I? ♪
What you got?
Oh, man. This was the real fuckin' deal.
♪ Didn't I give you everything... ♪
Lightning bolts, fireworks, electricity, magic,
the whole thing.
♪ I tried my best just to be a man... ♪
We stayed in and made love... all the time.
♪ Didn't I do it, baby? ♪
We went out and had fun.
♪ Didn't I do right? ♪
We just... got each other.
- Burn going down. - Achh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, go ahead. Your go.
Okay. My turn. Let's see.
We built a life together.
Okay. Do you, do you know that
Albert Brooks, the actor...
- Mm-hmm. - His real name
is Albert Einstein?
What? No way. Come on.
- You didn't know that? - That can't be true.
- I know. Isn't that insane? - What?
- Drink. - Ugh. Okay.
Oh, my God. I am crushing this game right now.
- Okay. Okay. - I'm crushing.
- Okay. My go. - Okay.
Do you, do you know,
- Rob... - Mm-hmm. Sock it to me.
that
I am completely in love with you?
♪ I wanna come back home, baby ♪
♪ And I... ♪
♪ No, no, baby... ♪
Ah...
♪ Come back home, baby ♪
♪ You know I love you... ♪
My turn.
Mm-hmm.
Do you, do you know,
Mac,
that I... that I love you too?
You do?
You cocky bitch.
He was gonna show me Thailand and Sydney
and all those kinds of places.
And when we had enough money, we were gonna move to London.
So, what went wrong?
He moved to London after all.
Just... not with me.
Truth is, I had been completely out of my depth.
And after that, I was determined to
never get out of my depth again.
So for the last year, I've basically just been
paddling around in the shallow end.
Hello?
Hey, it's Clyde.
Uh... what's up?
Uh, I'm sorry I didn't call.
I think I left my phone in your apartment.
I think it's in the bedroom?
Hey, how's it going?
- Here you go. - Oh.
Awesome. Thanks.
Little suckers really get in the way
of sneaking out of places, don't they?
What? No, I didn't...
Okay, I know that's what this looks like, but...
They towed my car.
- Right. - No, no, no, no, no. Look, seriously,
I got up to go to the bathroom
and I look outside, and they're towing my car.
I literally chased a tow truck
down your street, and then I had to go to work, so...
I didn't realize I didn't have my phone until I got on the subway.
And then I couldn't figure out the subway, so,
that was pretty comical.
Cool story, bro.
- Hey. Yo. - Yeah. Yes.
I thought we had a good time.
I... I really thought...
- Yeah. Yeah, we had a good time. - Yeah.
So, can I just
come in and we can, like, talk or...
Yeah, I just... I don't, I don't think that's a good idea.
You don't think that's a good idea
or... you know it's not a good idea?
I don't know if I think it's a good idea.
- Okay. - Okay.
All right.
This is for you.
It's French toast.
Okay, so he was a nice guy.
Like,
an actual nice guy.
So,
why did I just act like such a dick?
♪ I saw it written and I saw it say ♪
Maybe there's something I forgot to mention.
- Rob! Rob! - The other night
before my, um, date with Clyde.
Mac.
Um...
What are you doing here?
I moved back a couple of weeks ago.
Like, um,
like, like back-back?
Yeah, uh...
I was... I've been meaning to
- you know. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Mmm.
So, uh, you still in the neighborhood?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Got the shop, you know.
Well, we should talk.
Sometime.
I've been, uh...
- Ah! - Whoa! Whoa! Dude. Man, what the hell!
Fuck!
You okay.
- You okay? - Shit. Yeah, I'm fine.
- You're bleeding. - I'm fine.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm good. I'm fine.
Um,
I'll... It's good...
Uh, I'll see you around.
All right. Bye, Rob.
♪ I saw it written and I saw it say ♪
♪ Pink moon is on its way ♪
Hey, Jeff. Do you have anything for, um... this?
Yeah, sure.
♪ Hey, it's a pink moon ♪
♪ Pink, pink, pink... ♪
Thanks.
The ugly truth of the matter is this:
if we suddenly heard
that the world was going to end in 24 hours
people I would call in the first hour would be the obvious:
my parents, my brother, Simon,
Cherise, I guess.
And I would be calling them all
to apologize for the fact that I would be choosing
to spend the next
23 hours with
Mac.
Who's back.
It's messed up, I know.
Thank you, Ann Peebles.
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ Hey, windowpane ♪
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ How sweet it used to be? ♪
♪ When we was together ♪
♪ Everything was so grand ♪
♪ Now that we've parted ♪
♪ There's just one sound ♪
♪ That I just can't stand ♪
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ Hey, rain ♪
♪ Get off my window... ♪
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -